Recovery Nation

Lesson 1:
I don't even know where to start. I never in a million years would have believed that my husband would be capable of the things he has done. We have always been very active in our church and very dedicated to teaching our religious beliefs to our children. We are a family that prays together and reads scriptures together almost daily. He was very good at deceiving me for many years. It was about 2 years ago, (the day before our then 6 year old's birthday) when I first caught him looking at porn. We had been watching a movie with his sister and he kept trying to grope me under a blanket with her sitting right next to us. I was very uncomfortable and quietly asked him to stop. (a situation that has happened HUNDEREDS of times in the course of our 12 year marriage). He got angry and scooted away from me to show me that if I don't like his attention, then I won't get it. After the movie, he didn't come up to bed with me. After about a half hour, I went downstairs to see what he was doing, but couldn't find him. I checked the garage...and found him using a laptop (which he had to purchase a special adapter for to use the internet) to watch porn. He claimed that it was because he was angry at me for rejecting him and it was his way of "Paying me back". He said it was just an old video he found on his dad's computer when he passed away, that he saved and he promised that the one video was all he had and he wouldn't let me see the laptop at all before he deleted everything off of it. He promised up and down that he didn't have a problem, and that he would never, ever do it again. I was so naive. I had no idea how bad it was. I actually believed him. I was really hurt and sad, but I believed him. It wasn't long after that, that I started to become super-aware of his weird behaviors. He spent a whole lot of time in the bathroom and claimed to have diarrhea all the time. He even bought a colon cleanse to keep up the appearance of being sick. He also took really long showers and I noticed that every time I walked near the shower door ( which is clear, but frosted), he would immediately stand up from sitting on the bench and turn around. If I opened the shower door, he would keep his body turned away from me to hide his penis. I was so sickened by the possibilities. But I just knew he was doing bad stuff. I asked him about it, in a very non-threatening way, and was told that he absolutely would never masturbate. He made me feel like I was a terrible, suspicious jerk for even asking him about it. He also started other strange behaviors, like disappearing to the shed behind our yard to "look for something in the shed" or spending long periods in the garage to "clean stuff up", but there was never any cleaning progress. I also noticed money being withdrawn fairly often from our account in 20 dollar increments, and his wallet never had more than a couple dollars in it. I became absolutely paranoid, noticing every little thing I could possibly imagine that supported my idea that he was doing some bad stuff. I eventually found him smoking pot, drinking alcohol, and using tobacco (all of which go against our religious beliefs). He also confessed to using some prescription drugs that were his father's and mixing them with alcohol and his own prescription, adderall. He says the only substance he was actually addicted to was the tobacco, and that the other things were just "risks" that gave him a thrill. He says he hasn't done any of the other things in several months, and he also says that he has stopped the tobacco too. He claimed to be completely free of the porn too, and would get really angry and defensive if I asked why he spent so much time in the bathroom or shower.
One night a few months ago, I decided to check his phone while he was sleeping, and I was horrified to find that he had thousands of porn images and videos saved in his bookmarks. I woke him up immediately and confronted him. He was really shocked that I had actually found it. He appologized like crazy and begged me not to leave him. He even got out a gun and said he'd kill himself if I left. I told him I'd call the cops if he didn't put the gun away and promise not to ever threaten me with that kind of garbage again. I feel so betrayed and so manipulated. He always finds a way to make me feel guilty for the crap he does. He told me that he had to find a release for his sexual energy because I don't have sex with him enough and I constantly reject him (by getting mad when he gropes me in public or in front of the kids when he thinks no one is looking). He PROMISED with tears and agony in his voice that he would stop...that he was so sorry and so ashamed of what he had become. He told me that he actually felt free now that I knew and now he'd be able to stop because it was out in the open. Again I was naive and I believed him. I really thought that it was a matter of will power and that if he really loved me, he'd just stop. About 2 weeks ago, we were on a family vacation, and we were getting ready to leave. I was packing and when I picked up a pair of his socks, a thumb drive fell out onto the floor. I immediately knew that it was more porn. I hid the drive in with my stuff, and then told him I had found it and that I was going to keep it till we got home and see what was on it. At first he started grabbing at me, trying to see if it was in my pocket or something, and he said he didn't know what was on it, and that he had just found it in his shaving bag and didn't want me to see it and worry. When he realized I wouldn't give it back to him and that I was really going to see what was on it, he panicked and said he'd tell me what was on it so I wouldn't have to watch it and make myself sick. He said it had some pictures of my sister on it that he had taken of her in her bikini without her knowing, using his phone. Then he thought I would give the thing back to him so he could just delete it. He begged and pleaded and even got my suitcase and dug all through it trying to find it. He was so scared, I knew it had to be worse. He finally confessed that he had secretly hidden a his phone in the bathroom and made a video of my sister undressing for her shower. He said he accidentally got a video of my mom too. I kept the thumb drive and watched it when I got home. He had saved each video with their names labeling each file. It was so horrifying. So sickening and mind numbing. I still don't know how to process it. I can't talk to anyone about it because everyone would think I was insane for staying with him. I told him I would leave him if I catch him with anything else or in anymore lies. I mean it, and he knows it. I made him tell him mom about the porn, and it has been nice to be able to talk to her a little. She doesn't know about the videos of my mom and sis, but just having someone else know he isn't the perfect darling husband he pretends to be is helpful. He has promised once again to quit and begged and pleaded for me to stay and give him "one more chance". I told him I would only give him a chance if I saw that he meant it this time. I want to see him doing some actual work on himself, not just quitting the behavior. I told him he has to get help and he has to do it himself. I'm not going to do any of it for him. He has been reading the lessons on this workshop, but his account hasn't been activated yet, so he can't start the assignments. But he also has been reading some self help books, learning about OCD, and he's made himself a calendar of "daily goals" that he checks off as he completes them. I think having his mom tell him that she would help me to leave him if he didn't stop really scared him. He knows its for real this time and he has to make it work. I'm trying hard to be supportive, and not to just vent my anger at him all day, but it has been really hard. I am grateful to have found this workshop. Already, I feel like I understand things so much better.

Hi sad,
In order to keep all your lessons in one place, one thread, use the submit button at the bottom of this page. You can copy and paste your lessons here so a mentor or coach can read through them.
Nellie

Lesson 2:
I see myself as brave and unafraid of being alone. I am a strong, responsible, loving and caring woman who has the skills to raise four little boys. I am smart and capable of making a good living as a teacher. I love to laugh and smile and bring joy to others through service at church and kindness. I am happiest when I am not absorbed in my own sorrows and worries, but when I am helping others or spending time playing with my boys. I am a spiritual person with a solid connection to God, and I receive comfort and direction through my prayers and meditation. I love to create things and make my surroundings beautiful, and I have the talent and skill to do it. I see myself taking time to do the things I enjoy on a regular basis. I see myself enjoying social life surrounded by friends who love me. I see myself as deserving happiness and honesty. I see myself trusting and loving without fear and anxiety.

Lesson 3:
A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

when he's taking a really long shower
when he's in the bathroom too long
when he is "missing" and I find him in the garage or the shed out back
when he refuses to let me look at his phone with the excuse "I've been shopping for you and you'll ruin the surprise if you see what I've been looking at on the internet"
when he withdraws cash from our checking account instead of using the debit card
when he sleeps too heavily and won't wake up
when his pupils are really big and he makes a focused effort to look me in the eye when speaking (lying)


B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

When I found a slip of paper in the garage with girls names on it and he said it was a really old list he had of the girls in his engineering group from college. I knew he was lying, but couldn't figure out what he would do with a list of girls names or why he would have them. He threw the list in the trash, but the next day I went to get it out of the trash, and it was gone. I found out later that it was a list of porn stars that someone at work had given him to check out. Ack! I just didn't want to believe that he was doing anything bad again.

I also believed him (or convinced myself that I did) when he told me I couldn't see his phone because he'd been shopping for me and he didn't want me to see what he bought. He used this excuse for Christmas, my birthday, mother's day, ...whenever it was convenient, and he very rarely ever actually bought me anything from the internet. He did confess recently, that I was right to suspect him. I let him make me feel guilty because I was accusing him when all he was really doing was buying me a gift. My gut kept telling me something was wrong, but I let my guilt and my fear of the truth keep me from continuing the confrontation.

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

My husband says he is trying hard in recovery and I want to believe him, but he is still so defensive and is constantly giving excuses for or trying to minimize his past behavior. I just want him to admit that it was wrong and be sorry about it, not make excuses or try to explain why he did it and why it wasn't as bad as I thought.

If he spends too much time in the shower or bathroom, I'll be very worried that he's masturbating again. I hope that he will admit it if he has a relapse, but I'm not sure if he really will. I know he's very scared that I'm going to leave him, so if being honest jeopardizes my staying with him, he might lie. How can I know if I can trust him?

He agreed to put some filters and restrictions on his phone to keep him from finding porn (even on accident), but he complains about how slow his internet is, and how inconvenient it is to not be able to go to youtube or download/uninstall apps. It was initially HIS idea to put the monitoring software on his phone, but now he says he feels like he's being treated like a child. If he was really ready to stop and be committed to his recovery, wouldn't he just be humble and accept these inconveniences as consequences to his poor choices?

I also worry about being intimate with him. He was very addicted to masturbation (since he was about 12). He tells me that when we have sex, it makes it much easier for him not to masturbate, which makes sense I guess, but is he just using me to fulfill his addiction now? Recently, when I was on my period, he got really frisky, but knew I was feeling miserable with a migraine and really bad nerve pain in my back and legs. I told him I really felt bad and wasn't in the mood, so he put my hand on his penis and "helped" me masturbate him. It made me feel sick. Like I just helped him relapse. I made a decision that night not to allow that ever again.

Hi Sadlisalisa,
None of us ever expects to be here on Recovery Nation. Being the good wife, you trusted your life partner and ignored the red flags along the way. Now you know better but still need to be educated about the addiction you have been living with and still are experience to some extent with his supportive behaivors - like minimizing. Part of what RN offers is an education which will help you can gain insight into the addictive mindset - knowledge is power. Later lessons will help you determine the values, boundaries, consequences to support the vision you have for yourself - regardless of what path your H chooses to take. This workshop is about you and your healing. The focus needs to be on you. It's best to arrive at a comfortable pace but taking time to digest each lesson. This is continuum of learning and self-discovery and empowerment with each lesson building on the previous one. Cherry picking doesn't work.
It's not a matter of will power. His behaviors are deeply ingrained. It will take time and a sincere effort on his part to face his immature choices as well as the destructive consequences of those choices and make value based changes to live a healthy life. Abstinence is not enough. It's a start but he has a long road ahead. And you're so wise in turning his recovery over to him. It's his responsibility, not yours.
I'm so sorry that you saw these images. It will be hard to process because it is so personal - it's your family. Sadly, the addiction escalates, and the SA rituals become more extreme - the risks, the danger, and other elements are heightened in order for the addict to achieve the same "old effect" used to manage his emotions. He never thought he's be caught. His values, boundaries, and consequences did not exist in his decision making.
Yes! It won't work if he relies upon you to determine his recovery path. He will either do the work or he won't.
Now you know better. Trusting your gut is all you can trust at this point. Believe what he does, not what he says. Being defensive, excusing, mininimizating are common SA tactics - you are wise to recognize this. There are no excuses. He made unhealthy choices and would have continued to do so if he hadn't been discovered. It was actually worse than you thought, but until he is able to be honest with himself, this conversation won't change. Don't expect any security from him - he's still dealing with getting caught and, perhaps, wondering who is really is himself.
Lying to protect himself and the addiction is not unusual at the point. You can make very clear rules about lying by defining what dishonesty is to you including lying by ommission, minimizing, etc. The natural consequence of lying is emotional detachment - we all do this without even thinking about it - but you can spell in out for him - even write it out and give him a copy. However, it may not happen anytime soon - his recovery is a process just as your healing is a process. It may take him some time to get that, but this doesn't mean that you can't set boundaries and enforce them. You are giving him the opportunity to respect you and your values. The rest is up to him. But again, it will take time for him to get this. Be prepared for this and don't get stuck here.
He is a child - he needs to grow up and accept responsibility and the consequences of his behavior. However, monitoring software is a crutch of sorts - at some point in time he has to be able to manage his emotions in healthy ways without a monitor which gives a false sense of security. Avoiding triggers is not recovery but for the time being, it may help - just don't depend on it.
You have every right to set the limits on your sex life and your body. Trust your instincts on this. It's his job to manage his sexual desires in healthy ways, not yours. He needs to figure out his own transition. When he gets on line with RN, you might suggest that he go to his own Community Forum on the Recovery Side for imput regarding this topic.

Your vision is very complete. Good job. This is an important lesson - think of your vision as a roadmap for the life you want for yourself. It's the context from which your values emerge, but it is not set in stone. You can add, delete, refine as you evolve in your healing process. Think about specific "nuts and bolts" actitivities that you can begin to calendar in to make each element happen - think of putting it into action.

Good start! If you have questions, the Community Forum is a great resource. We are good listeners, non-judgemental and supportive. Welcome to Recovery Nation!

Nellie James

Thank you Nellie James for the welcome and taking time to respond to me. It really helps to have reassurance from someone else. It makes me feel less crazy.
I had some bad experiences in childhood with sexual abuse (involving an older brother and voyeurism mostly) that my husband often uses as the reasons why I am "such a prude" or why I reject his groping and sexual advances in public. I honestly feel like I have worked through my issues from the abuse, and I feel like he should respect me and stop the groping when I ask him to. He does stop (and get angry or "frustrated" as he puts it) when I ask him or push his hands off, but he can't seem to stop trying it over and over again, no matter how many times I tell him that I think its inappropriate and how much it bothers me. He always tells me that I have problems and its not normal to not enjoy his "fondling" when no one is looking. I felt so relieved to see that other women on this site feel the same way I do, and that I'm not just so "damaged" from the earlier abuse that it is MY thinking that is warped. He still won't accept that his constant groping of me is part of his problem, but he has told me that most of the times he acts out are because of me "rejecting him" (pushing his hands away). I don't understand how he can not see the connection.
You have given me some really great advice...I especially liked where you said "believe what he does, not what he says." I need to trust my gut, and quit trying to convince myself that things are ok, or good enough.
When you say set boundaries and then have consequences for crossing them, what kind of consequences do you mean? Can you give me some specific examples please? I can't really think of any that would make a difference besides leaving him.

Later lessons focus on this in particular, but in the meantime, you can set rules. The rules/boundaries are put in place to protect your values not punish him even though he may perceive your rules as punishment. The consequences vary - for me emotionally distancing myself meant that I lived more like a roommate with little interactiion except for what is absolutely necessary. I also made it clear that my sexual boundaries, if crossed, meant that he would have to sleep on the couch or get a motel room for a designated time that I would set based on the infraction.
Some of us do feel it's better to separate and work independently on healing and recovery - that's decision that only you can make based on your vision and values.

The key is that you can make it very clear that his groping you is off llimits, end of discussion. You do not have to explain it because your values/boundaries are yours to determine, not his. What seems like a consequence you would be willing to enforce if he violates this rule/boundary? Put it in writing and give him a copy so there's no "wiggle room."
Don't engage in trying to get him to understand that he is violating your values - he won't get it at this point. Control is a big part of this kind of addiction as is denial. He won't see the connectkon until he does the work to face his behavior choices, the consequences of his behavior, and does the work to make health based changes.

He wants you to be the "bad guy" or the problem. His SA choices have nothing to do with you. This is how he manages his emotional immaturity. It's how he is rationalizing the situation so he wins (immediate gratification). Again, don't engage in trying to get him to understand - he will continue to protect himself and his addiction. Sounds harsh - but his perceptions are based on years of denial and feeling justified in his thinking.

Maintain the focus on yourself and doing the lessons. If you want to have discussions about obstacles or updates, set a time to do this once a week with specific ground rules for listening and talking with time-outs for emotion/drama and a time limit. You can work together to figure this format out - this can be a joint effort.

Hope this helps.

Nellie

Thank you Nellie, it does help. I keep forgetting that his mind is so immature, and I expect him to understand things that seem like common sense. He always likes to point out to me that other people "are allowed to fondle their wives" and aren't considered perverts. He still compares himself to other people to rationalize what he's been doing. I tell him that I don't care what other people do, what matters to me is what HE does and that he respect my boundaries. But he thinks my boundaries are too strict and that MY thinking is not normal.
We go around and around like that all the time. I'll try to just not talk to him about it until he's deeper into his recovery. But I do think I need to have a consequence in place for when he crosses that boundary, or things will never change. I'm just having a hard time coming up with one.

Consequences can be hard to determine - but keep in mind they are for you to protect your values. Do you understand what it means to emotionally detach which is a common consequence as are bedroom arrangements. He will complain until he gets healthier and realizes that you mean business. He will try to get his way - like any child - don't buy into it.

I suggest that you go to the Community Forum for imput just to get a few ideas about consequences. The bottom line is that you are the only one who can make this decision. And once you determine the consequence, you have to follow through and enforce it or your H won't take you seriously. In your post to the forum, you can also mention this:


Keep on with your lessons. The less you focus on his behavior, the better.
Nellie

Exercise Four
1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

Honesty
being a good father/ role model
being a good/ loving husband
working hard at his job and being impressive
living in a way that will please God
closeness with his extended family
financial stability
cleanliness (both for himself and his surroundings)
emotional intimacy
sexual intimacy without the baggage
spending time on hobbies such as woodworking and basketball

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

His desire to grope me when he thinks no one is looking
His hoarding of tools and junk in the garage (there are way too many hiding places out there!)
His lack of desire to participate in holiday traditions (Valentine's day, anniversaries, mother's day)
Emotional shutdowns and coldness (I call it his "Lawyer mode")
His tendency to take every word literally and then hold it against me out of context
Making a joke of things to avoid serious discussions
His perfectionist way of doing things that makes every task take way too long (OCPD) and his way is the only "right way" to do things

(these are things I see as being obstacles now, and being very hard for him to overcome, but I DO hope that they will become less and less pronounced as he begins to transform.)

Exercise Five

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

I manage stress by keeping myself busy. I serve in my church and try to look focus on the good things in my life and be grateful for them. I pray and read scriptures. I read books to escape into the world of the story. I talk to my mom or my sister. I organize things. I cry when I'm alone, and sometimes in front of my children. Sometimes, when its bad enough, I cry all the time, and neglect my boys and my housework, meal planning, shopping, etc. I think that is the most irrational I get. I usually snap out of it fairly quickly though. This happened after both of my miscarriages, and after each Dday with my husband. But I have never gone more than a couple of days in my "dazed and crying" state.

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

I clean things in a sort of compulsive manner. I am known as a clean freak among my friends and family. I get stressed out when I have lots of company and my house gets messy, but I also really enjoy having lots of company. I feel relieved to clean things up when the company leaves. I tend to go around straightening up the things I can even when the company is still here. It used to drive my father-in-law crazy. The anxiety is really not that bad for me though. I guess if I could never clean my house and I had to just watch it get dirtier and dirtier I would feel a whole lot of anxiety. I feel cluttered and dirty inside myself when I don't have time to clean things. I have a hard time concentrating on anything else when I see something that needs to be done. For example, if I have to prepare a lesson for Sunday school, I need to have my surroundings clean before I can focus on the task at hand.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?
Right now, I think he is using music quite often to distract him when his urges happen. He also texts me from work and calls sometimes too. He says he can feel a whole lot of stress since he has stopped masturbating, and that has been the hardest thing for him to quit. He has been compulsively doing it since he was about 12 or 13. He sinks into depression really easily too. He has been treated for depression with Zoloft and Serzone off and on, and it seems to really help, but he doesn't like the sexual side effects of those drugs, and he doesn't like to feel like he's dependent on them either... weird since he's been ok with being dependent on lots of other awful things.
I think without his management skill of addiction, he would become really depressed, despondent, and irritable. He would try to stimulate himself emotionally by engaging more with his kids, and trying to be more sexual with me. He might use medication and therapy to help regulate his stress.

Exercise Six
Understanding the sexualized mind will go a long way in allowing you to better relate to what you are currently experiencing. The more objective insights and awareness that you develop, the stronger will be your ability to maintain confidence and control in your life. And, the faster it will be achieved.

A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.

I did read the whole book and I think it helped me feel less angry and more understanding of how horrible the addiction can be for the addict.

B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

I am pretty sure that my H's constant groping of me are part of his sexual addiction. He rarely gives me any kind of physical attention that isn't sexual in some way. A hug always involves his hands moving down to my bottom, his kisses are often first to my breasts, and then sometimes to my face. He tries to grope me when I bend over to get something, and at inappropriate times, like when we are at church and he thinks no one is looking, or in grocery stores, or in front of my parents or our children when he thinks they can't see. I tell him over and over (for 12 years) that it bothers me and I think it is disrespectful and that it makes me cringe at his touch even when it isn't inappropriate. It sabotages our whole intimacy. But he still can't or won't quit. The few times when he actually has made an effort to quit, he withholds ALL physical attention, including cuddling, hugs, and kisses. I also think that some of the "new" behaviors he wants to engage in sexually are because of his looking at porn. He never was interested in oral sex before, but now he wants it all the time, and honestly, it kind of grosses me out. I don't like it at all. He also asked me to shave my pubic area, and I did, but now I feel like he only wanted it that way because that's how the porn girls look.

C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?
All four.
The sexualized mind- absolutely.
Instant gratification- YES! Why else would he risk the things he has??
Objectification- he has a huge obsession with breasts. He can't help staring at them no matter how old or unattractive the woman is. If she has boobs, he'll look at them.
All or nothing thinking- I can definitely see this when we have arguments. He always takes everything I say so literally and makes it mean way more than I intended when I said it. And then he won't let me take it back or explain it. It HAS TO BE the way I said it the first time and the way HE thinks I meant it.

Exercise Seven
A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:

I. Effective communication - We have been working really hard on talking more and being more transparent. I have noticed him trying harder and it gives me hope.
II. Managing your partner's recovery - I have been terrible about this. I would love to take away his phone or have the internet removed from it completely, but he won't allow that. I know I need to let him be in charge of his own recovery, but it makes me so paranoid and panicky when I think he's acting out. I also feel so gullible for believing so many lies. I NEVER want to believe his lies again, so I keep trying to make it so he can't lie, but I can't control that and I know I need to stop trying so hard to control him and his behaviors. It all just feels so HELPLESS to let him be in charge.
III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health- I am trying VERY hard to quit controlling him and to encourage his positive changes and keep the communication open. I try not to be accusing and angry, but more supportive. I've been reading lots of books to help me understand the addiction better and to better disconnect him from the addiction. I know he is capable of conquering this if he really wants to.

B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery? I wish I could afford counseling. I feel very traumatized and like I really need help--a person to talk to and tell everything to. I've been trying to vent in my journal and here on the partners' forum. It helps, but not as much as I think a tangible person would. I take time out each day to read self-help books and do the lessons on this workshop. Some nights after everyone is asleep, I let myself cry for hours, but I wish I could cry with my H. and he would try to comfort me.

C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?
I know I need to ease up on my control issues. Years of being suspicious and panicked make it hard to just quit. I'm working on it, but it is hard to let go. I wish so badly that I could just shake him and make him be the man I know is in there somewhere. If it were possible to force that kind of thing, it would have happened a long time ago, so I have got to LET GO... DETACH and start taking care of me. He has to do the work himself and all my efforts to help him are just taking the responsibility from him. I need to let him do it without me. If he chooses not to, then I'll have to figure out how to live my life without him and be strong enough to know that I can.

Right.
Right again.
Absolutely. Good insight. The only way this will work is for him to want to become healthy for himself. Not for you or the relationship. I know this is hard to accept but it is the only way it will work. You can change your behavior patterns/urge to control by staying aware of yourself and coming with a few action plans to help you change. We tend to get stuck until we become self-aware and take action to change, and practice, practice, practice.

You can do this. Focus on your healing and you will empower yourself. It takes time and a lot of hard work, but you have to want this for you. Love yourself first.

Nellie

[b]Exercise Eight
A. Considering only objective signs of a healthy recovery/unhealthy recovery, what path do you think your partner is on? If on an unhealthy path, do you think this is due more to lack of insight about how to change, a lack of energy/motivation to change or a lack of desire to want to change?
I think he is on a healthy path. He is just at the beginning, but he is working hard to make changes. He has been reading some very good self-help books, listening to audio books on the way to and from work, reading scriptures and praying daily, taking better care of himself physically, talking to me and listening more, becoming less defensive and more remorseful, and he has started the recovery workshop. He says he feels like he is changing more than just his behavior, but his insides feel different. He has abstained from his acting out for a little over a month (the longest he has ever gone so far).

B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?

I wish he could listen to me talk about my pain without getting defensive or making me feel guilty for making him sad.
I'd like to see him do more work here on RN.
I want to see his more subtle negative behaviors change...the groping and sexual jokes.