Recovery Nation

Nellie

2/21/2012

In my first pass through the work shop, I read the lessons and deeply worked the exercises. I learned so much and truly retained my understanding that was achieved through the exercises. Of late I am focused more on the lessons themselves. Now that my husband has started private coaching, I need this lesson.



Its more than that, but what more, remains to be seen.


To a certain degree, yes. He wants to be and says he is, but deep below the surface and often not so deep I see how strongly he resists change, that I can only conclude that he really doesn’t want to change. I think he does sincerely want the rewards that a changed man would have.


But it didn’t. I have always felt that something was missing from his disclosure.



He knows these words and sometimes shows signs of understand but it does not translate into a sustained change towards maturity.


This I am not seeing.


There is recognition that there are deficiencies but I don’t know that he sees them as structural defects in his foundation and that he must take control of the change. He is still focused on what comes naturally and easily and that anything else is external pressure to change.



I feel that the last 4 years of my life, especially the last 2 have been punctuated by his continued assertion that he is working hard and trying, but cannot understand what’s not working. I do not see him as the cundotor and I do not see change to the core.


This is something that coach Mel has helped me see … doing recovery by the numbers, doing only what ever it takes to reduce “Medusa’s sting”



Yes – I have seen so much of this and often felt that this is how he has treated every aspect of recovery. Always a series of activies to complete. And yes, he has been so frustrated and perplexed that I haven’t seen him as being in a healthy recovery while he saw himself as such.


Perhaps he sees this to a degree, but instead of working harder to grow and strength the new growth, he becomes once again protective of this very weakness.


This is missing in so many ways and is weak and unsustained in most others.

No … I don’t see him seeking this at all. At best he reacts to the consequences.


In so many areas of his life, he does NOT seek out opportunities. “Opportunity” is a word he often uses when describing things that come his way.


I don’t know that its entitlement, but there is still a hiding behind a veil. He limits what he shares.


But he still has such a warped perception of his True Self.


I don’t think I have ever once detected an element of excitement or fun, in the contect of communication regarding recovery.



His defensiveness and self-protection invariably accompany his vulnerability.


This is still one of his strongest drivers.


I was able to accept this for the first two years, but not for the last 2.


I have only had a few glimmers of this.


Although now he speaks of this, it is still on the heels of my insistence and he still looks to me to define what it is he must volunteer.


I call this his “morose” voice. Yes, he is so self disparaging and oh so passive.


I am not seeing this yet.


Yes , when participating in recovery it has been very much reactive. And it is most inefficient and the results have in fact been oh so diminished.


Even when he anticipates, he doesn’t really know how to prepare and he rarely masters them.


He is very focused on doing what he must, and even this seems to be more than what he “can”.


Yes – he’s been able to do this with the overt ritual.


This is so deeply ingrained that it sometimes seems to me that it has fused into or even replaced his core identity.


Yes, yes, YES – not in terms of overt acting out but stiull so much in his daily life management skills.


These went out the door 4 years ago.


This is something he only just realized or admitted is something he does. For the most part his subtle rituals are not sexual, but they are still so immature, selfish and resistanct to change. They are defended and rationalized, minimized and justified and often show as passive aggressive, or just plain old passive behavior.


I think he does this but either feels deprived of something or feels externally controlled by me.


He can write action plans until I am blue in the face, but he simply does not put thim into action. He may act of some aspect once or twice, but then it is forgotten.


And of course whether or not there is a growing level of awareness.


I simply don’t see this happening.

Partner's Workshop: Stage One; Lesson Nine
Assessing Your Partner's Sincerity in Recovery

Exercise Nine

A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

1. There are times when he listens, without being defensive or justifying. He just listens and acknowledges that I am only thinking these thoughts and feeling these feelings because of his behavior.

2. He has begun private coaching and is willing to receive input from a 3rd party.

3. He admitted for the first time (just a week or so ago) that he has engaged in scanning and that it takes a conscious effort not to do so.

4. He acknowledges that much of his current behavior stems from his conflict avoidance and his difficulty in dealing with his shame and guilt.

5. He has finally begun the process of true disclosure, without dancing around the facts and trying to make it sound like it wasn’t so bad. I know what happened and didn’t happen when he was travelling. He has acknowledged that the pain of disclosure and dealing with my reaction is no worse than dealing with my reaction to the absence of disclosure.

6. He had my back, regarding Carnivale: We were invited (in advance) to join our friends and the huge Carnivale Parade, while on vacation … he knew that if it was anything at all like Mardi Gras, there might be all kinds of triggers that I wouldn’t want on my vacation. He declined on our behalf and our friends had a fabulous time, and we had our own lovely time enjoying our garden and ocean view balcony. I felt very cared for and prioritized.

7. He has found more balance with his work and personal life. He has moderated his alcohol consumption, showing more awareness of limits.

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

1. He interprets all of my boundaries and consequences as a personal rejection, which leads him to withdraw or respond in a hurtful manner (painting me as the villain and him as a victim).

2. Still not much in the way of compassion/empathy. I asked him last week to think about what it would what it would be like for me to see my life, my marriage and my husband with the view I had before discovery. He said that it would not be fulfilling for him to do so. He then twisted my words to say that I am asking him to see himself as a fraud. (I told him that he could make his own conclusions and asked him again to just try to imagine what my view of my life, my marriage and my husband was, prior to discovery.)

3. He twists words around and misquotes or misinterprets my words and actions in a way that paints me in the worst possible way and makes him into the victim. He very often says he feels controlled.

4. He uses the same words and phrases over and over again. “I didn’t have/make the opportunity” when I ask if he did something. “I spent time” or “I spent an hour and a half” when he was doing something he expected an external reward for, or at least involves delayed gratification. He never uses that phrase when he spends time doing something self-serving or involving instant gratification. He is more time focused on the time spent, rather than the value derived. Elsewhere (some on paper, some in my mind) I have a remarkably huge list of what I call “red flag words and phrases.” These words and phrases give me the feeling that he is not really saying anything, that his words will not be associated with future action, or that he is feeling and/or thinking something very different from what he is projecting. To me there is a difference between saying, “I was working on my recovery lessons or exercises” vs. “I was working on recovery stuff”

5. The sound of his voice is very telling. He has a deep, beautiful resonant speaking voice – but when he talks of recovery and relationship matters, his voice is quiet and weak and morose. Other times, his voice is so chipper and happy-go-lucky and it just sounds so false.

There are so many more signs, but who’s got time to write them all down? The main reason why I hardly posted at all in this last year, was that every day, every week, every month I was just seeing so many more signs that led me deeper into my belief that he really wasn’t engaged in a healthy recovery. I spent the last year doing my best to build my other values and still allowing myself the possibility that there will one day be more signs of healthy recovery.

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

I have learned (as I’ve become less and less emotionally involved) to use amore neutral tone, in communicating unhealthy signs. I am very clear that he can behave however he chooses and that I am NOT trying to control or change him. All I can do is decide how close I want to be. His reactions range from defensive to silent withdrawal to explanations and justifications to an assertion that he believed he was doing the right thing to self-loathing and beating himself up to promises and tears.

I have made a deliberate point to communicate and reinforce healthy signs – I tell him what I see and I tell him it makes me feel safe and I tell him I appreciate it. There is usually a gentle touch and a kiss to go with it. He responds with gratitude and appreciation. Sometimes he beats himself up a little for not having done more, sooner.

I recently posted this phrase in someone’s thread in the support forum “Living in Peace, Within your Boundaries, According to Your Values”. Easier said than done. Especially for the Woman that I Am and the Woman that I was meant to be. I’ve always had Values and a strong Awareness of them and have actively lived my life simultaneously Cultivating and Protecting them.

I chose my husband to be my life partner, because I KNEW that it was safe to let him in, within my boundary structure. How did I know? Because (1) I saw that he had similar values to mine and (2) I felt that he was so very respectful of my values, that where ours differed, he would surely honor and safeguard my values, simply because they were mine and he loved me.

To me a marriage is a deliberate choice to expand one’s own existence to something greater than just a solitary self. There is unbounded joy and quality of life, when you feel so safe that you can be both vulnerable and comfortable by inviting one trusted being inside your boundaries, so that you can create a larger internal living space for yourselves and have double the protection from outside threats. Part of being vulnerable is being willing to openly share your interpersonal boundaries with your partner, so that they know exactly how to take care not to even inadvertently trample your values. Another part of being vulnerable is being willing to openly share your flaws with your partner, so they know how to protect themselves from mistakes that you are bound to make (since we are all flawed humans after all).

Today – 23 years to the date after I got married – I Honor Myself for having done my very best to uphold that vision. I especially Honor Myself for having been So Completely Married, without ever once Feeling a loss of my Sense of Self for 19 years.
It’s been a long 4 years … I miss the feeling of Honoring my Husband … I miss seeing him as an Honorable Man. He is filled with Love and Hope and Sorrow … but I fell in love with a Man of Honor …

There is so much more on my mind … but it is time to go to yoga.

3/26/2012

Again, like I did with last month, I am redoing this lesson with a stronger focus on the lesson itself, than with the exercises. Interestingly enough, by the time I got through all of my thoughts about the lesson, I did not have many new thoughts on the exercises. So I looked back to see what I wrote for that exercise on the first pass, and discovered I posted my second pass one year ago today. Much of what I posted then, still holds true.

Partner's Workshop: Stage One; Lesson Three Your Partner's Path to Recovery

The purpose of this lesson … is to provide you with a summary of the typical path that is followed in a healthy recovery process. As well, you will be introduced to some of the key warning signs of someone on an unhealthy path. Somewhere in between here I am looking for signs that my husband’s path is moving from Recovery Limbo to True Health.

What's important is that you expose yourself to the reality of sexual addiction recovery and not the unachievable ideal. Why is MY ideal unachievable? What makes everything I asked for or hoped for, first in my marriage and then in recovery assumed to be unachievable? Can anyone show me, in all of my hundreds of posts where MY ideal of a health marriage and a healthy recovery are so damn unachievable?

As traumatic as the discovery of your partner's addiction may be, it is often equally traumatic to your partner--but for different reasons. Yeah, well to quote every addict and half of the mental health professionals and too many well meaning others – you should be over it by now. (Sorry – I cannot authentically feel compassion for my husbands trauma, as it pertains to discovery)

To your partner, who has always been aware of the specific behaviors which have symptomized their addiction, … so why do they continuously get this “free pass” on not being able to remember, and having to work so hard to achieve consciousness and awareness?

… their instinctive response to the discovery of that addiction is to continue the very behavior management patterns that sheltered it all along: deception, intellectualization, rationalization, minimization, etc. He sees this but doesn’t change this with any depth.

… integrated a secret-identity so deep that it warps even their own perceptions surrounding their behavior. This is such a tough nut to crack. Even when the secret identity does not act, that doesn’t change the warped perceptions. What I am hoping for from private coaching is some Strong and Powerful Wisdom that will help my husband “unwarp”.

Stage One: The Identity Crisis/Minimal Disclosure
… This requires your partner to accept that he is inadequate as a mature partner and adult. That he lacks certain skills that should have been developed by this stage of his life. He says this a lot, now, finally. That he is not the person that he has projected himself to be. And this he has said a lot, for a quite a long time. But, it is only when your partner recognizes the damage that has been done to their own identity that they will be able to accept and commit themselves to a deep, sustained recovery process. Sad to say that this recognition is only a prerequisite for and not a guarantee that what happens next is this: … the rebuilding of that identity.

Because of the overwhelming insecurity that follows such a discovery, and because the reality of a dual-identity is just beginning to be examined, disclosure at this stage is often reduced to an absolute minimum. We still haven’t gotten past this.

The immediate, immature reaction of the person being discovered is to stop the bleeding. To cause no further damage. This is pretty much the extent of how he has handled most of his recovery and my trauma. Once I seem “fine” or we are doing “reasonably OK” he does not seek the next level of growth … until the next time he steps on my values or pokes through one of my boundaries, and is once again vulnerable to the horror or discomfort of seeing how this makes me bleed.

Stage Two: Heightened Motivation/Effort/Hope

With the initial pursuit of a healthy recovery--and one's commitment to it--hope is born. And with it, the motivation and effort that hope breeds. Typically, the emotions produced from this initial boost last anywhere from a few days to a month--but rarely longer. I’ve been on this merry-go-round in between roller coaster rides so many times that I have pictured myself leaving the park.

Stage Three: Forced Abstinence/Expanded Emotions This was the first stage, in my husband’s case.

But the emotional discomfort that comes with forced abstinence isn't the only emotional cost. With the willing abandonment of their addiction, they have left themselves with the same emotional immaturity but with even less options for managing those emotions. In our case, this hasn’t been a spike – it has been the underlying theme of our journey for the last several years.

This expanded range of emotions should be expected, but not tolerated--if the resulting behavior violates any of your boundaries. The longer he has stayed in this emotional limbo, the more boundaries I found myself needing and implementing. Emotional immaturity is an explanation for your partner's lack of responsibility, it is not an excuse. Only just about a week ago ago, he actually said that he wants to grow up.

Stage Four: Absorption within Addiction/Recovery Process (or some other aspect of their life) He seems like he’s doing this (with each restart of the workshop) but it’s more about the absorption, than the actual results.

Stage Five: Motivation Weakens; Effort Fades This can be explained by the absence of instant gratification in the recovery process.

Stage Six: An Emotional 'Void'/Loss of Identity is Experienced

… they are dealing with a lack of any clear identity at all. And yet the partner’s workshop asks ME to separate the man from the addiction? I have been struggling with this for so long. It’s been well over a year that I stopped loving the ghost of the man he purported to be. It’s been well over a year that I’ve been trying to search the soul of a man “with a lack of any clear identity at all”, looking for the real man so that maybe I could fall in love with him all over again. I am hoping that private coaching will help him move himself clear out of this stage.

They don't know if they can be the healthy person they want to be this makes me so mad. I don’t think this should be so damned hard for someone who spent his life making sure he looked and felt and even kissed just like him.

They are in 'no-man's land'. They have lost their identity altogether. The biggest threat at this stage is the reality that, to the person experiencing this, there will be a STRONG tendency to return to the security of their addiction. I think what is even STRONGER is the tendency to return to the security of Wearing a Mask.

Stage Seven: Recommitment to Recovery; Sense of Inevitability

Like the initial euphoria experienced in early recovery, this emotional void doesn't last long, either. I’d argue that … And in the wake of this 'lack of identity', a slow, methodical, inevitable approach to health will emerge. I can’t say I’m seeing the deep or sustained level of change this seems to imply. There is an acceptance that, no matter what may come--including slips/relapse--that they are no longer fighting to end their addiction; they are now fighting to establish a healthy life. this message isn’t strong enough. I see “trying” and I see “working” but I don’t see “fighting”. He’s still pretty casual about still having “A ways to go”, as far as I can see.

Stage Eight: Opportunities to Grow, Experience

By now, recovery no longer becomes a process of avoidance, fear and management; it becomes a push for experience, confidence and growth. By when????? A shift takes place where recovery is no longer seen as an activity they are engaging in, but as a means of managing the inevitable transition to health that is taking place. We are still worlds apart here. In the moment he thinks he’s doing this and I just see so many ways in which he is not.

Stage Nine: Lost Focus/Balance/Complacency This happens regularly in small, but not insignificant ways.

Stage Ten: Disconnect from Addiction; Full Disclosure Possible We are not here yet, so no need to comment on Stages 10 and 11.

It has been over a year, since Coach Mel posted these words to me, in this healing thread. As angry and doubtful and full of denial as I wanted to be when I first read them, they have been haunting me on a regular basis. Coach Mel knows me longer, better and deeper than anybody here on RN. I was pissed at Coach Mel for telling me these words, much in the same way a teenager might be pissed at her parents for telling her the truth she doesn't feel like knowing, because it doesn't give her what she really wants. I brought these words to my counselor a year ago, and I have revisited them coach Mel and with some of the other mentors here.

I am posting them with the hopes that the recovery coaches who are working to with my husband, will see him through the eyes of someone who knows addiction, someone who knows me and someone who is not emotionally attached to the outcome of our situation.

YES!

I finally figured out how to post a link within RN. I only lost all of the surrounding comments, and then retyped them 3 times in the last half hour.

http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersbb/viewtopic.php?f=22&t=10312
This link is to the thread that I started in August 2008, called "Why do we desparately want to ask them for details???"

So much of everything in that thread belongs here in my healing thread.

I love Random Wisdom cards and decks. My counselor has a little open jar in her office, with colorful chips with prompts such as : “Just do what you can. Now matter how small” and “Make room for all that is right now” and Respond non-habitually to what’s in front of you” and “If you want clarity, clear out the space”

For 3 years, now I start my session with my amazing counselor, and pick one of these little jewels. Often times they are inspirational or at least apropos. Other times, I am not in the mood for, or don’t appreciate the message.

As a result of me rejecting (with great confidence, some humor and a wee bit of sadness) I rejected to first 4 cards I picked. So for homework, my amazing counselor told me to write a deck for women like me - in my situation. She said “no one’s done it. There’s a need.”

This is what I’ve done so far … I know I will be adding to this list, through out my healing journey … Maybe one day, we can produce a beautiful and calming physical version of this deck and sell it to mental health professionals world wide, for use in their practices, treating partners like us … a portion of the proceeds directed to RN, in perpetuity.

Healing Deck Cards
1. It is OK to feel Anger. Just be mindful of its Power. How can you harness this energy for Positive Change?

2. It is OK to feel Anger. Just be mindful of its Toxic side effects. How can you best protect yourself and the people you impact, while still Honoring your feelings?

3. Sometimes putting on a Happy Face is just a mask for others. Sometimes you can choose to do it for yourself, and allow the feeling to seep inward.

4. Traumatic loss is not something you “get over”. It is something that you must work through.

5. Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is the best you are able to do. Sometimes you just need to lay down and rest, and that’s OK too.

6. Remember to eat. Nourish your body. Listen to your body.

7. Cherish the sound of your own laughter. Bring to mind the feeling in your body that you experienced the last time you laughed out loud.

8. Give yourself permission to think about something else.

9. Lovingly insist that you deliberately and unwaveringly think about something else, for several hours in a day.

10. If you are at a crossroads and you don’t like any of the choices, its OK to stay there and not choose, for a while.

11. If you do not like any of the choices offered by life, feel free to create your own menu of choices. Just be prepared to do all of the shopping and cooking yourself.

12. Consider the yoga pose Eagle (Garudasana) to strengthen your core, promote balance and elevate sense of self-sufficiency. If you feel fragile, tired or unbalanced, support your back with the floor. In Supine Eagle your eliminate balance as a factor.

13. If your mind is stuck, try moving your body.

14. Consider the yoga pose Tree (Vrickshasana) for grounding, balance, uplifting, grace and freedom. If you feel like it, sway.

15. Lethargy may be a sign that you either need to move or rest. You may choose one, the other, or both. Choosing neither will result in more lethargy.

16. Listen to your head, your heart and your gut. If all three are on the same page, then you know what to do. If your head and your heart are fighting, listen to your gut. If the message is unclear, listen more closely to your gut and proceed with caution and with your eyes wide open.

I know what to do with Anger.

I have been Angry so well, and so often and for so long, that I know what to do with Anger.

Theoretically, there are 3 things you can do with Anger. You can Hold Onto It, you can Let It Go, or you can Allow It to Pass.

To hold onto is unhealthy and breeds unhappiness, along with things much worse than that. This is a simple fact.

To let it go is a Gift that you might, but I do not have. I imagine this may be the safest and most direct path to Peace … the kind of Peace that must certainly come with the letting go of Anger. It is not my way, but Blessed are you, if it is truly yours. If this is your gift then Embrace it and Rejoice!

I know what to do with My Anger. I must allow her to Pass. There are horrific times, when the only way she will pass, is by passing through me. When my Anger is True and Right, I must Honor her, and then it is up to me to find a way to Grant her Safe Passage.

I know what to do with My Anger. How I do it, it another Story.

Hi Minerva,
Love your card list and there are some that really speak to me, today.

.

I have been reading through my copy of Comfort and Joy and found more on the "bowl." I love this. I feel you have filled my bowl often with your insight and wisdom and wonderful way with words. I hope I have done the same for you.


This is also from her book:
I feel this speaks to so many of us here on RN when we feel overwhelmed, frustrated, sad, or anything that knocks us flat on our backs. We just accept that we need to rain our tears. A rainy day helps us - we can join with nature in cleansing our hearts.

I need to return to facing the East and the tree pose now that the weather is warmer. I like the idea of swaying. When I was a kid, I had flying dreams. I would take off from my grandmother's front steps flapping my arms. Then I would fly from tree to tree, and sometimes the trees would bend and sway when I landed there. I wasn't afraid - the swaying trees dancing with me in a way. I flew for years in my dreams, and I loved it. Wish I could have that dream again.

Nellie

Although I haven’t been posting, I am continuously aware of my vision and values and how my thoughts, feelings, actions and interactions enhance and detract from them.

These are healthy things that I have been doing:

1. I started working part-time as a bartender for a catering company that does private parties. The money is very good. This enhances my value of Motherhood, as it is supplementing the college fund for my amazing daughters. It also serves as a Fabulous Distraction from all of THIS. When I am serving, I have nothing on my mind besides the task at hand. Actually my dream of one day opening my own Beverage Establishment started back in December of 2008 when I first did the lesson regarding My Vision. It is Energizing and Engaging. I love the continuous interaction and stimulation. I feel a sense of accomplishment both from the fact that it is physically demanding and that the customers seem to enjoy the level of service I provide.

2. I continue to practice yoga twice each week. My husband and I have been doing this for 2 ½ years as part of our individual and couples healing. My body looks and feels healthier. I also use breathing and meditation as part of my practice, and am much better at calming my mind when I want to.

3. I have been playing guitar and singing more than I have in many years. I no longer restrict myself to songs I think people want to hear. I just play what I feel like playing and I play for myself. If anyone listens and enjoys, that’s great, but that’s not my purpose.

4. I had a very rewarding and enjoyable school year. I enjoy (and work hard to earn) a lot of respect and affection from quite a number of my students, their parents, my colleagues and administrators. I have felt great satisfaction from seeing my student grow in intellect and maturity. They know I am tough, but they know that I care.

5. I am very connected to my yard work and gardening. There is something I just love about putting on my headphones, listening to music that deeply touches my soul, getting down on my hands and knees and ripping from the face of the Earth, that which I find to be ugly and out of place, and then replacing it with something I find to be Beautiful and Orderly.

6. I have the most amazing and fulfilling relationship with my 19 year old twin daughters. They have astounded and amused me on a near daily basis, ever since they first played leapfrog in my belly. I am enjoying the emotional and intellectual stimulation of their company, now that they are home for the summer.

7. In the last few days since school has finished, I am very mindful of how I spend, invest, use or squander my time. I am working hard to set daily intentions and then fulfilling them. I find that it’s best if I keep my list to 4 – 10 things. On a list of 10 things, at least 2 must be pleasurable and/or leisure oriented, at least 2 must be something useful but very easy to start and finish. This is serving me well, in combating the lethargy that sets in when I can’t find my Joy.

8. I am going on a weekend retreat, all by myself the end of this month. It is a Yoga place in Massachusetts and the guess speaker is Jean Shinoda Bolen – a psychiatrist, feminist, activist and author whom I admire very much.

HI M,

If you duplicate a post, you can delete one by clicking the little 'x' in the lower right hand corner.

re: "Although I haven’t been posting, I am continuously aware of my vision and values and how my thoughts, feelings, actions and interactions enhance and detract from them"

Good. This indicates that you are in a transitional phase where the work you have been doing is becoming (or has become) like second nature.

Re: "Going dark" Sometimes we just need to step back and take a breath of fresh air. Never feel obligated or that you have to be here. When we feel pressure in what we do, this is a sign that we need a break--so, good for you for taking one! That said, your supportive wisdom is a wonderful contribution to this community.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Nellie

I had a really horrible day on Friday, but I am doing much better today. On Wednesday, my homework for the next two weeks, from my Amazing Counselor, was to Do Something Joyful Each Day.

Friday was supposed to be an opportunity for me to have the space and time to Find Joy. My kids were out of town and my husband was at work. The weather was promising, and I had a nice bottle of bubbly chilling.

Two weeks ago, my dad (diagnosed with lung cancer 3 years ago, responding to medical treatment like his doctor’s favorite miracle and living an active life including his 60th anniversary last month!) had a tumor detected and then surgically removed from the base of his brain. We visited him as soon as he came out of recovery and he was astoundingly animated and coherent! He was home 2 days later, and my daughters and I visited him 2 days after that, and he seemed great! (relatively speaking). But then on Thursday night just before bed, I found out that he had spent most of the night in the emergency room. My sister who lives near him has been on the front line, taking a leadership role in dealing with this crisis. So on Friday morning, I woke up with a mighty values collision, knowing that I had to do my part but desperately yearning to take care of myself. I touched base with my mother and my sister, and admittedly manipulated the conversation so that I could try to meet everyone’s needs (including mine) by leaving my mother and sister to handle things until I could drive up on Monday.

As it turns out, I squandered the day, as I watched myself spiral into a depression that I could not pull myself from. I tried to find my Joy, but nothing appealed to me. As I waited for word from my sister, mother or father, I compulsively checked my phone and my email. I was also looking for word from my husband, as we had yet another healthy conversation that turned an ugly corner, the night before.

By the time I successfully fought with myself for the right to hold this one day for myself, all of my healthy energy was depleted. I thought about gardening, but it was just too hot. I thought about reaching out to friends, but I couldn’t think of anyone that I truly value, who didn’t have their own depletions to deal with, who might be readily available to have a play date with me. I took out my guitar, and did try out one new beautiful song, but it was very melancholy and I could not dredge up the energy to sing something else. As I realized I was spiraling, and could not summon any positive energy, I did lay on the couch and watch a very good show, and allow myself some rest and down time. I can’t say it gave me Joy, but a brief escape and some rest was good. But I still could not gather positive energy. I simply could not do anything to move towards my vision or satisfy my values. I squandered the day, which deepened my depression and made me angry at myself.
Saturday morning I went to yoga, and when invited to set my intention for the day, I chose to remember this: “I was once a Vibrant and Happy Woman. I can be that way again.” I did myself the favor of not allowing myself to dwell on what it was that made me so Vibrant and Happy, so that I would not focus on the feeling of Loss and the recognition that it wasn’t what I thought it was, anyway. The point is, I know the feeling of being a Vibrant and Happy Woman.

My husband and I visited my mom and dad, before attending a family function on his side, on Saturday. He’s not doing so great, and neither is my mom. But I did feel relief in visiting them and bringing them a bit of relief and maybe even some joy. Sunday I was still not able to find much joy, but at least I was functional and interactive with my family and neighbors. Today I am still not really finding Joy, but at least I feel stronger and quite a bit more functional. Tomorrow, I will pack some clothes, a guitar, my computer, and the teacher’s edition of next year’s new text book and spend 3 days at my mom and dads.

So today it was important to me that I journal and post something to my thread. I have 88 billion things to journal about, as far as my husband, my marriage, my values, my boundaries and my vision, but this is what came out of my finger tips today. Mostly I want to reinforce to myself: “I remember myself as a Vibrant and Happy Woman. I can be a Vibrant and Happy Woman again.”

PS - thanks Coach Mel for your continued Care and Support. And I have so many thoughts stimilated by your latest community support forum posts, that l need to regain my balance and pace myself before I consider replying!