Recovery Nation

Underlying the anger and the turmoil I am finding a fear. I fear that I will be disappointed. I fear that there is “somethingâ€Â

Before I proceed to the questions in exercise 14, I am following the prompt to “assess my own understandingâ€Â

*Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.
1. Because he is abstinent but not actively in recovery, I intend to serve as a gentle reminder that there is much to be gained, if he were to choose to actively engage in a recovery plan.
2. I intend to serve as a positive role model, where he can see that by actively working on my lessons and pursuing my own emotional well being through professional counseling that doing RN and processing one’s emotions leads to a healthier life.
3. I intend to listen, and do my best to withhold my outbursts of harsh judgment and intense display of my pain, should he ever choose to open up and speak to me about his pornography addiction.

*How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?
I will continue my subscription to Covenant Eyes (its not a secret, though) until he tells me truthfully (and I believe in my gut) that he has invested enough time and effort into strengthening his values, that he feels that neither of us needs it any more. In all honesty, the monitoring software is more of a crutch for me than it is for him. I experience a certain amount of peace of mind seeing that clean report every week or so. I really do not have any moment to moment doubts or fears that he is acting out. He’s been abstinent for almost a year now. I also get relief from the knowledge that he is capable of spending time online when he’s home alone, without falling into that trap again. I would have less confidence in him if he was staying clean by hiding from the internet. It’s also good to see that he is spending less time on-line in general.

I would be violating my own value of honesty, if I didn’t admit that I will occasionally check to see whether or he creates and posts to a recovery thread. If he does, I will have to ask him if he has a boundary about me not looking at it. This will be very hard for me to resist, so if he doesn’t want me to look at it, I’ll need him to make his wishes explicitly clear to me.

*What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?
Until he is capable of more, I will allow my partner to continue to damage my value of open, honest, sincere and transparent communication. He is so out of touch with so many of his inner feelings and so unpracticed in verbalizing them that I don’t think I can expect as much as I feel I need. I also have to restrain some of my own transparency. Until I can learn to communicate without spewing venom and trying to make him feel my pain, I think it best that I keep some of my thoughts and feelings on a leash and under cover.

Until he is capable of more, I will allow my partner to continue to damage my values of trust and respect. Aside from the surface things I love about him, I fell in love with my husband because of his values. Now I realize that some of them I simply assumed he had, because it fits with the others that I know he had, but somehow allowed to become eroded and deteriorated. So now I even though I love him deeply, I don’t have the respect for him that I used to. I do not trust that he will make good decisions, based on his values. I have come to see that he makes most of his decisions based on what feels good or will give him pleasure. I simply take solace in the fact that he does many positive, productive and wonderful things because they feel good and/or give him pleasure. In this way, I can love him, enjoy him and care about him, but I am sad to admit he is a long way from regaining my trust and respect.

*Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.

Mistakes that are intolerable that will serve as the catalyst to end the marriage –
1) Seeking out or obtaining sexual pleasure, stimulation, arousal, relief via any vehicle outside of our marriage.

Mistakes I am prepared to tolerate –
1) Ineffective communication, including defensiveness, despair, withdrawal. We have talked a lot lately about how we are both poor communicators – he shuts down and I lash out. But if we expect ourselves to learn how to communicate effectively, it’s only fair to recognize that we’re going to make mistakes, but need to keep trying anyway.

2) He will set me up with unrealistic expectations, or leave things unclear so that I set myself up with unrealistic expectations regarding what time he will come home from work, or what time he will be available to me for time we plan to spend together. This is a pattern that’s been around for a long time, that I used to just dismiss as an annoyance, but has become a major point of contention since discovery. Since he’s been doing a bit better at giving more realistic time estimates, calling in advance when he knows he’s not going to make it, and apologizing when he totally lets me down, I can accept that this is not a problem that’s going to be fixed in a short time frame. Until we improve our communication skills and I establish a reasonable boundary and consequence in this area, I think it’s reasonable for me to tolerate mistakes.

3) My partner is likely to continue to want to only recognize and process positive and happy thoughts. He will want me to do the same. I will tolerate that he wants this, because he is in many ways, emotionally immature and does not know how to handle negative thoughts. However, tolerating the fact that he wants this does not imply that it will be granted. I will continue to share all of my thoughts and feelings whether positive or negative, to the degree that I feel I need to. I hope to show improvement in my ability to do so in a healthy and constructive manner.

4) Putting more time and effort into his job than he really needs to. I will tolerate this because he will continue to do this whether I tolerate it or not. He has just recently had a glimmer of clarity where he noted that perhaps he replaced his porn addiction with burying himself in his job. It is up to him to figure out that he would suffer no real consequences and would enjoy his life so much more if he spent 10 - 20 hours less per week at this job that generates more stress than goodness in his life.

*How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility--both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?
I can communicate positive observations by explicitly stating “I see that you have done XYZ and I truly appreciate it. Thank youâ€Â

re: Create a specific routine to ensure that I am actually following this plan, instead of writing it in my thread and then resuming my old procrastination habits.

How is the plan coming along?

re: After 19+ years of presuming we didn’t have to work at our marriage, because everything was so perfect, and when it wasn’t, it was just normal wear and tear, we have learned otherwise.

Valueable insight that we can all use!

re: Regarding the fact that the trust is broken, it is time for me to accept the fact that my husband does not need me to remind him of this. He knows.

Constant reminders of the negative impacts will only contribute to his guilt and shame.

re: I miss that feeling (and my glass slippers and pumpkin carriage too… )

Me too! This made me smile... and feel sad a moment later. I missed feeling cherished. I have since learned that what I thought it was to be cherished was actually an unhealthy attachment. Instead, it is my practice to learn to cherish myself and to love myself first so that I can accept love of my partner.

re: I’m just starting to get to the point where I finally understand that I CAN’T FIX HIS PROBLEMS and I can and need to take care of me. YAY. I get it. Easier said than done, but I’m making progress.



re: Choosing to do recovery is a value based decision, but he hasn’t learned that he even has to learn how to do this yet.

AHA! This is so true... and no, you cannot force him to get it so it is good that you have come to this realization and acceptance.

re: I believe that he is banking on the fact that my love and support and his self determination are sufficient to address the problem.

This could be because he is wishing to "keep it within the family" or he may think of himself as so uniquely flawed that there can't possibly be anyone else who would really be able to relate or to be of help or it could also be disassociation... if he doesn't reach out for support from others in the same position as he then he isn't really acknowledging that he is one of "them", so to speak. But I digress... we're focusing on you~not him! AND you are correct that this method of his will not get him recovery!

re: I told him that I can’t fix his problem and that it’s not my responsibility to fix it and I’m giving it back to him. I told him that he needs to actively do something to fix it, while I work on fixing my own problems that this has left me with.

Truth.

re: This is still very hard for me to accept. But I’m getting better at recognizing this reality. I believe that focusing on my own healing, and becoming more engaged in the other aspects of my life will keep me out of his hair, and give him the space to pursue his own recovery (or not). I can easily see how things will turn out if he does. I cannot see at all, how things will turn out if he continues to be abstinent, but does not engage in a healthy recovery. I am giving myself permission not to worry about that until I’m much further along in my own healing.

Meltdowns aside, you seem very clear about where you are, what you are capable of dealing with and where your limitations are. Giving yourself permission for this space is a healthy and self-nurturing act.

re: I am ready to stop focusing on churning up my emotional chaos, and put that energy into defining my values and boundaries. I believe I tried to do this in the past, but every time I tried to think about values and boundaries, I kept getting distracted by thoughts and feelings about how they were trampled and violated. Now I feel ready to redefine them, put them into words, pinpoint how I will protect them moving forward, and communicate this to my husband.

With your willingness to take responsibility for your emotions and the chaos that you churn will come true healing. When we persist in blaming and focusing on what he did or did not do/is or is not doing, we also persist in being stuck in our personal growth and healing. It is actually very similar to when they deflect and shift blame on us!

re: I simply take solace in the fact that he does many positive, productive and wonderful things because they feel good and/or give him pleasure.

Doing things because they feel good/ give you pleasure is not a bad thing. It becomes unhealthy when those positive productive things violate one's values or damage long term goals. For instance, coaching on RN makes me feel good and gives me pleasure... it is in alignment with my values of being a contribution to others, with role modeling and focusing on my own healing. Now, if I begin to neglect my children or other values that hold more importance to me than coaching simply because it feels good... THIS would be a problem.

re: I do not yet know how to communicate negative observations with out making them seem punitive or trying to inflict my pain on him.

I acknowledge you for your honesty. Perhaps you could try the same formula that you use for expressing positive emotions and observations?

re: I need to let him know how much I appreciate his dedication to being a good provider, and to support or at least tolerate some of his sacrifices, while he finds a way to prioritize and balance his time.

Yes! The transition from addiction to health includes derriving meaning from values... if being a good provider is something that he values and finds meaning in, it is absolutely in everyone's best interest for you to support and acknoweldge this. I understand the conern of him switching addictions... and this is a total possibility and probablility as long as he continues in abstinence as his only means of recovery. Perhaps he will find the impetus to pursue healthy recovery when he feels more supported and accepted by you...not to say it is your fault, in any way, that he is not currently engaged in a healthy recovery... only to say that by your example he may develop a desire to expand these positive changes... as a natural consequence of the new paradigm of your relationship.

Is it me, or are you missing some lessons?

Be well.

Thanks so much for your helpful, inspiring, validating and heartfelt response and support.


I am accomplishing more goals, but I’m not following the steps I outlined. I’m adding reworking that plan to my action plan



When I first wrote that parenthetical, it made me think of the way you, CoachMel, respond to my favorite parts of my posts. I take great delight in your amusement!


It had taken me until just a few days ago to finally actualize this.
March 1st was the one year anniversary of D-Day. March 5th was our 20 year wedding anniversary. Somewhere in between, I developed a strong sense of refusing ownership. This has been coupled with the sense of satisfaction and accomplishment that I have earned by improving myself in the other areas of my life that I can control.

One year ago, he dumped this problem on me. And then he has tried very hard and very lovingly to help me and support me with MY new problem. And this promoted his self denial, which he revealed to me by his continuous minimizing of the problem.

Yesterday, I had my fourth session with my wonderful counselor. I was able to tell her how unburdened and strong I feel now that I’ve returned ownership to him, with the realization that he will either deal with it or not. He can choose to be crushed by this burden that he tried to unload on me, or he can learn to effectively unburden himself by true pursuit of recovery. I cannot do it for him and I finally no longer want to. My counselor is using EMDR to help me fortify my strength, by focusing on the feelings of satisfaction and accomplishment I experience when I pursue those things that are in my realm of control.

likely

If so, he is probably still too afraid to admit this to himself


Highly likely.


Thank you for this validation.



Yesterday the homework assignment my counselor gave to me was “decide how you want to feel, and feel it. But don’t do it in response to anyone else’s feelings. Just choose how you want to feelâ€Â

A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?

1. My counselor and EMDR therapist MC
2. The RN Community and Coaches – especially CoachMel and TNM
3. My longest standing, dearest friend YL, 200 miles but only a phone call away for 24 years
4. My husband
6. My children
5. A full dozen women in my neighborhood community – all true friends
7. The people I serve in my career
8. My parents
9. My siblings

I began therapy with my counselor one month ago. Most beneficial in her responses is that she validates my thoughts and my feelings, she encourages my strengths, she speaks and listens great empathy but does not inject any of her personal feelings – thus allowing my feelings to be the most important one in the room. So many of her insights, comments or questions to me give the same message I learn here at RN from both the community and coaches. There has been nothing disruptive about it at all.

The list of benefits of the RN responses is too long for even ME to go on about here. In a nutshell, it’s the feeling of not being alone, having someone understand exactly how you feel because they’ve been there or somewhere pretty similar, and all the wisdom and compassion only this group can have. The biggest disruption is being overwhelmed by every one else’s pain, and the horror of how insidious this addiction is in our society.

My friend YL is the only personal friend I have told any of this. When I first told her, several months after D-Day, her first response was “Why did you wait so long to tell me?â€Â

~Cheshire grin~


re: Is there a specific set that you noticed I’ve missed?

At a glance, you went from stage 1, lesson four to stage two, lesson 1 and then on to stage 3, lesson 1. You have hit the meat and potatoes for healing as far as we are concerned (partners who have been around a while ). As I read back I see that some of what you have glazed past are repeats from the previous workshop. I will assume that you read the material but decided not to post responses as it is repetetive to what you have already done(?) If you are not reading the lessons, I recommend that you do as I have found that the new information is more comprehensive than the former workshop. Stage two, lesson 3 (exercise 12) is worth doing again.

Come to think of it... stage two lesson 4 is a good repeat too... I found that as I coninue in my healing, I have realized that there are impacts the addiction has had on my life that I wasn't even aware of. Naming those impacts, as they come up, and giving them their due respect, I believe, is what will allow me to transcend them... all of them! (Not complete yet... I am certain there are more impacts lurking in the shadows, waiting to unleash themselves when I least expect it!) My point is, we cannot properly grieve our losses if we don't even acknowledge (or realize~I think that I could have lingering denial) them for what they are.

Ok... time to stop dumping my O-C tendencies onto you! You are in a good place to continue on in the new workshop (as you have been) so I will leave you to it!

A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.

I place great value in the TRUTH as it is revealed by pursuing the next 4 values
HONESTY
INTEGRITY
KNOWLEDGE
UNDERSTANDING

I find that I place great value on BEING VALUED and VALIDATED and by others. (I really do think I’m great and have a generally healthy and realistic self image and have since my teen years. But still, I really feel fulfilled by receiving this gift from others)

I value my CHILDREN.
I value my HUSBAND and MARRIAGE.
I value LOVE – both the GIVING and RECEIVING

I value FIDELITY and LOYALTY
I value KINDNESS and CONSIDERATION
I value RESPONSIBLILTY, COMMITMENT, ACCOUNTABILITY and RELIABILITY
I value RESPECT and HONOR
I value MATURITY and SELF CONTROL

I value the SENSE of SATISFCATION and ACCOMPLISHMENT
I value COMFORT and PLEASURE – emotional, physical and material
I value HUMOR – especially when it us used to ILLUMINATE the TRUTH
I value FRIENDSHIP
I value COMMUNITY
I value PRODUCTIVITY – making a contribution to the world on both small and grand scales

I value INTIMACY – which I define as the place where boundaries are either absent due to lack of necessity or HONORED out of LOVE and RESPECT.

I value SEXUALITY – as a means of COMMUNICATING, SHARING and GIVING

I have learned to value MY RIGHT and MY ABILITY to NAME, CLAIM and PROTECT MY VALUES

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

My values provide a framework by which I can choose my behaviors and my reactions to the behaviors of others.

PRODUCTIVITY – will guide me towards actively doing things that satisfy other values – tending to my children’s needs, getting chores done, creating and delivering effective lessons for my classroom students, planting flowers.

TRUTH, HONESTY, INTEGRITY, KNOWLEDGE and UNDERSTANDING, tempered by MATURITY, SELF CONTROL, KINDNESS and CONSIDERATION – will guide me towards continuing with my RN lessons, learning to communicate more effectively with my husband (and everyone), and journaling thoughts that are too raw to share in a healthy manner.

FIDELITY, LOYALTY, RESPECT, HONOR, LOVE, HUSBAND, MARRIAGE, CHILDREN – will guide me to ensure that I don’t do anything rash, foolish, hateful, or hurtful in a futile attempt to exact revenge on my husband or to try to get him to feel the way I did and often still do.

FRIENDSHIP, COMMUNITY, COMFORT, PLEASURE, HUMOR, SEXUALITY and INTIMACY – will guide me towards remembering to allow myself to experience the joy that still exists in my life, albeit side by side with my sadness and hurt. The latter need not always eclipse the former.

MY RIGHT and MY ABILIUTY to NAME, CLAIM and PROTECT MY VALUES – will guide me towards developing, implementing and maintaining boundaries will give me control over how I will allow other people’s behavior affect my life.

C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar?
Yes. I truly believe they are.

Minerva

I'm not sure why I have chosen to work this list from the bottom up, but that's the way it just came out.

Next steps to begin strengthening each value:
To strengthen the VALUE of MY RIGHT and MY ABILITY to NAME, CLAIM and PROTECT MY VALUES,
- I will continue doing my RN lessons. I see that the next few take me right to where I need to be!
- As I define my boundaries I will communicate them in a clear, confident and loving manner
- As I consider consequences for the boundaries I define, I will choose only those that I feel able and willing to follow through on and only those that provide a healthy level of protection,

To strengthen the VALUE of SEXUALITY as a means of COMMUNICATION, SHARING and GIVING,
- I will continue to allow myself to enjoy the blend of emotional closeness and physical pleasure that my husband and I are sharing.
- I will communicate when I have a desire to not have sex, but still want to share love, hugs and cuddles.
- I will redirect or terminate any sexual behavior that feels more like taking, than giving, sharing or receiving.

To strengthen the VALUE of INTIMACY – which I define as the place where boundaries either are absent due to lack of necessity or HONORED out of LOVE and RESPECT,
- I will recognize and cherish the moments and glimpses of intimacy that we are able to share sometimes now.
- I will develop, implement and communicate boundaries so that my husband has to opportunity to show his love and respect by honoring them.

To strengthen the VALUE of PRODUCTIVY,
- I will monitor myself on a daily basis to ensure that I am tending to at least 3 mundane everyday tasks, without undue procrastination or dragging them out – these include bill paying, laundry, dishes, email, etc.
- I will maintain a list of 4 work items that must be completed within 1 to 3 days. These items must be tasks that will also strengthen my VALUE of SATISFACTION and ACCOMPLISHMENT.
- I will monitor myself on a daily basis to identify those things that I do that are neither productive nor provide a sense of satisfaction, and determine whether they strengthen any of my values or need to be removed from my life.

To strengthen the VALUE of COMMUNITY,
- I will develop and adhere to schedule of work items I need to accomplish, in order to fulfill my committee obligations in our community organization.
- I will participate in “spring clean upâ€Â

"My values provide a framework by which I can choose my behaviors and my reactions to the behaviors of others. "

(worth quoting)


I do not really have anything more to say here. From my perspective it is apparent that you are really pulling the workshop toward yourself!

One thing I would like to caution you on, though ~knowing your husband's username could be a hinderance to both of your processes more than a positive. Even if you never read his work, the possibility is there that you could read it and so this may impact the transparency of his work. ie. He may be selective about what he says or he may not be completely truthful which he will really need to be at least with himself initially and then with you later on down the road and although I totally believe that he meant, with every ounce of his being, all of those wonderful things he has said of you there will come a lesson when things will be confronting and he may have to be straight about some things he does not yet feel safe sharing with you. His commitment to recovery has to supersede his desire to look good or say the right thing. (I hope that doesn't sound as bad as it looks like it sounds... I speak from having been there myself).

Be well

Thank you CoachMel, for your ever present concern, compassion, comments and wisdom!

After reading your response, I did speak to my husband about the risks of my ability to access his thread, and how it might hinder his transparency. I suggested that he should feel free to tell me that there are things that he is revealing to himself, that he is not ready to reveal to me, or that he thinks I might not be ready to receive. I told him that at any time, he can tell me that he does not want me to read his thread and that even though it would be VERY difficult for me to resist, I would honor and respect that request.

So far so good. He has been posting on a regular basis. It seems to me that the more I see him taking ownership of this issue, the less burdened I feel. We have been communicating very openly and pleasantly about the other aspects of our relationship, besides the impact that his porn addiction has had on our lives. I'm finally seeing him as the man he is, instead of the ideal illusion that I thought or the pathetic porn freak I saw.
Now I see a good man, with a kind and loving heart, a good work ethic and some deeply ingrained immaturities that he is beginning to see and address. He even used the phrase "values based actions" in a coversation with others, about somebody else, on an entirely different topic.

*******************

After much work and consideration, here is the rest of exercise 17 - and my plan on how to strengthen each of my values.


To strengthen the VALUE of the SENSE of SATISFACTION and ACCOMPLISHMENT,
- I will maintain a list of 4 tangible and “doableâ€Â

A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?

Wow – I didn’t know values were supposed to collide. Many of the “values interactionsâ€Â

greeting medusa,

Your exercise on strengthening values is throrough and as always you are able to bring a smile to my face with your words and wit. (benevolent driver of the steam roller).

Regarding the intertwining of values/collision of values... this exercise can also have you examine what happens when your own values collide with each other, to have you look at how you prioritize them and how you will use them to guide your actions. I, being master at having my personal values collide, have had ample opportunity to practice this exercise.

Take these two value rules for example:

- I will consider the needs and sensitivities of others before I speak my mind.
- I will not turn a blind eye or deaf ear, when those around me display a lack of maturity or self control, if it affects me.

Pretend someone inadvertently says something that affects you and you feel compelled to call them out on it, but at the same time you recognize that they lack the understanding of what has been said. Being sensitive, you don't want them to feel embarrassed by their own ignorance but you are still deeply affected by what they have said and feel compelled to say something.

or another example~what happens if your husband has has a slip and you are so upsest and angry and your pain and disappointment start to overpower you love's natural strength?

These are value collisions that can be explored (and you can think of some more examples as well). Being prepared as to how you will conduct yourself, which values get priority sequencing etc. will serve in the same way as reactive action plans (from recovery) and are meant to have you stay true to your values and your vision, even in face of the most most difficult challenges that life can throw at you.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

It’s been a long time since I posted to my thread. I’ve been reading and sometimes commenting in the support forum, but I had to experience a lot of life, before I was able to put my boundaries into words.

CoachMel – you predicted that I would have to look at internal value collisions. That’s pretty much what I have been doing, I suppose. I read my values list often. I’ve made progress on and even accomplished quite a few of my “next steps to strengthen my valuesâ€Â

Exercise Twelve
A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

D-day was well over a year and a half ago. I’ve been actively working on my healing here at RN for nearly a year and I found a fabulous counselor about 5 months ago. My vision and my values and my boundaries for protecting them are very much at the forefront of my mind. Quite a while ago, coachMel suggested that I revisit some of the lessons that I completed before the healing workshop lessons and exercises were revamped. Today seems like a good day for this one. Here is where I am right now:

Much of the time I am finally able to accept that the unacceptable has happened in my life. I accept the disappointment, disillusionment, distaste and displeasure I have come to know, upon realizing that my husband so easily convinced himself that this behavior was acceptable to himself, and that it was appropriate for him to engage in it and hide it from me. I accept the reality of this. I do not forgive it yet.

I have a growing awareness that my husband is ever so slowly learning to deal with negative emotions (both mine and his) without pushing them to the side, pretending that only the positives exist. And he too is ever so slowly recognizing that he is doing so. I in the meantime, am more able to detach, in that I can remember to see myself as an “individual first and a partner secondâ€Â