Recovery Nation

1. List five of the most likely major boundary violations that you will face over the next year. How will you recognize them as they are occurring? How will you respond to them if they happened tomorrow?

1. Boundary violation: I might violate my own boundary that states that “I accept full responsibility for my own behavior and no one else’sâ€Â

It is time to stop measuring time by how long since D-Day. Today is 1 year since H-Day … Healing Day. One year ago today I joined RN and began my long strange healing journey. Today I feel peacefully celebratory.

A few weeks ago I told my counselor that I no longer feel like I’m on the Emotional Roller Coaster, but that now I’m on the Emotional Supersonic Train. Emotions, feelings, thoughts, conjectures, conclusions still move hard and fast, keeping my brain hyper-stimulated by the awareness of my own growth, changes and needs. Not always a pleasant or healthy feeling trip, but at least the train is moving forwards towards a vision, instead of spinning and diving into loop-de-loops. And the healthy feeling aspect of riding this supersonic train is that I am the one driving. And I am often able to stop the train – and get off for a while, living in the moment and actualizing steps towards my vision. And sometimes things go wrong, a trigger or a values collision or a boundary violation of some kind (real or imagined) and I jump back onto the train and blast forward through my vast emotional library, fueled by an infinite supply of logic and curiosity.

I modified my support system last week. One of my great friends revealed to me her pain following her recent discovery of her daughter’s drug addiction. As she talked, she said so many of the things I’ve heard every one here say – same vocabulary and everything. I responded with so many words of comfort and guidance, by saying things I learned here, like “what are you doing for you?â€Â

I have reread these lessons and reread my posts, from the earlier format of the partners workshop. I don't really have too much to add.

I do understand that there was a significant amount of emotional stimulation that I derived by perpetuating my own emotional chaos. Apparently it was an important part of my healing, since that is the path I traveled to get me to where I am today. I believe that there is a fine line between "picking at the sores" which just aggrivates them, slows down the healin, and leaves bigger scars and "cleansing and changing the dressing on the wounds" which does keep you focused on the wounds, opens them, hurts quite a bit, but leads to healthier healing. I've done quite a bit of both in this last year. But I am quite a bit more emotionally stable and have a strong support system in place for when I lose my balance.

Regarding my relationship options I have made my choice. I value my marriage and I value my husband in so many ways. I am committed to standing together with him, while we see ourselves and each other through this crisis. There is no question in my mind about this. We are choosing to rebuild our lives with a healthy and honest foundation. It's going to take a lot of time and effort, and there will be lots of blips and bumps, trial and error, and tears and misunderstanding along the way. But my gut instincts tell me that our love and common values will see us through this.

Of course there is always the possibility that my husband could choose to violate certain boundaries that would be the definitive end of this marriage. And I've given careful consideration as to how it would play out, and I know that I could survive, take care of myself and my kids, and put my life together. However it seems to me that a small bit of trust has grown back. I trust that he will not cross these boundaries. I know this leaves me vulnerable, since nothing is for certain, but I'm OK with that.

Prior to the discovery of your partner's addiction, how did you two monitor each other's relative health relating to fulfillment, stability, balance, etc.

In general, we did not actively monitor each other, except in the most casual and surface manner with such questions as “How was your day?â€Â

I started my daily monitoring about 2½weeks ago, just before I went on family vacation. I like the fact that was not instructed to write anything down, just to do it. Every night when I go to bed, I close my eyes and ask myself and honestly answer each question. It calms, comforts and strengthens me.

1. Did I take full responsibility for managing my own life today?
2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision?
3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?
4. Did I take time today just for myself (to nurture relaxation, creativity, independence, etc.)
4a. If not, how many days has it been since I have?
5. Did I derive meaning from at least three areas of my life today?
6. Did I show my husband that I love, appreciate and value him today?
7. Did I make progress on any midterm or long term goals today?
7a. If not, how many days has it been since I have?

****************
Here are some things I have learned from this:

1. I always answer “yesâ€Â

Minerva,
I'd like to say how much I admire your positive approach to the workshops and your lessons. All your work is in depth and your strength just shines through. Your love and compassion for your H is inspiring.

Lizzie

Thank you Lizzie, for reading my thread and giving your support and encouragement. It touches me very deeply.

Weekly monitoring Aug 21, 2009

1. Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

* Daily interactions with my teenage daughters, including: laughing at our own funny ways of wording or looking at things; enjoying the opportunity to compliment their behavior and good choices; and especially discussions about future careers and college choices, alcohol, boys, and trusting one’s gut if it conflicts with one’s heart or one’s brain.

* Emotionally uncomplicated and physically challenging activities shared comfortably with my husband, including: doing yard work together and taking turns behind the wheel as we drove 10 hours home from our road trip.

* Emotional, physical (both non-sexual and sexual) intimacy shared with my husband

* Several occasions to relax and socialize with my neighborhood girlfriends - we float on the lake in our little blow-up lounges, drinking champagne and talking.

* One unplanned occasion to relax and socialize with my neighborhood musician guyfriends – I dazzled them with 2 albums of obscure classic rock from ~1970 that I uploaded from vinyl to my NEW ipod.

* Got several boring, mundane tasks off of my list of things to do – bills, lifeguard payroll, filing papers, dealing with insurance paper work.

* Posting encouraging, insightful and possibly helpful comments on the community support forum and receiving validating, supportive replies.

2. Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion?

* Had my first mammogram, since my baseline almost 15 years ago. Dreaded the procedure and worried what the outcome may be.

* Acute awareness that there is a tremendous amount of work I need to do to prepare for the coming school, without taking any steps towards even getting started. Succumbing to lethargy and actively choosing ruminations over productivity.

* Two talks/fights/open-communication-sessions with my husband. We are just learning how to share negative emotions and resolve conflicts without attacking, capitulating, becoming defensive, or falling apart. We’re not very good at it, and it still hurts.

* Husband is very stressed, tired and preoccupied with his job – it is tough to go back after a vacation, and there are many changes happening there that are not within his control. An interesting new factor in his RN-inspired realization that he needs to develop and execute an action plan, to address his unfulfilled value of Deriving Meaning From His Career. I feel neglected when he is distracted and drained.

* Visiting colleges brought to the forefront some financial and emotional worries. After saving conscientiously since before they were born – we have a drop in the bucket compared to the price of two college educations. And I worry about my ability and willingness to develop a self-based primary source of meaning and fulfillment, once my children go off to school.

* I risked being vulnerable by initiating sexual intimacy. I felt my husband perceived my needs and desires and was responding to them, but then he just snored off and went to sleep. Aside from the kick in the feminine ego, this brought to mind an old and ignored pattern from years ago. Of course I lost interest in initiating sex with him, when he was so unresponsive to my overtures. Sometimes when I am not in the mood, I am genuinely turned around and turned on by his honest desire, need and passion for me. I would like the same to be true, in the other direction.

3. Given the meaning that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the events that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all?"

* Considering meaning added and events draining, I feel that the net result at the end of the week is a very small step in the positive direction. There is so much room for improvement and growth. Larger, faster steps in the positive direction could be / should be possible / feasible but I’m just not there yet. I am managing, but not always all that well.

4. Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will facilitate the effectiveness of my life management skills?

* Next week is the last full week of summer vacation before I return to school. There is much work to be done, if I expect to be well prepared in advance.

* My children will be starting their driving lessons, and will receive their permits by the end of the week. Then my husband and I will be taking them out to practice.

* My husband may or may not resume his RN work, after having lost momentum due to being out of town on vacation, and catching up at work upon his return. I may have to staple my lips shut, to keep myself from trying to take ownership over something that does not belong to me.

Today I am grieving some losses. Throughout this crisis my love has been damaged and hurt, but was not destroyed and I feel it very strongly, deeply and honestly. My trust was utterly broken … never again to be given blindly, naively and freely. I do see that it is building back in small steps, in small places. But the great loss I have been feeling of late is my loss of respect for him … as a man of character and as a husband. And I really don’t see him earning it back until I truly feel he has faced his past actions, thoughts, behaviors and attitudes in a thorough, honest and unguarded manner … first with himself and then finally with me. I do not see myself experiencing true forgiveness, until I can truly trust and respect him again.

I love my husband very much, and I know he loves me too. And right now, it is our love and our passion for each other and the life we have created together that is serving as the foundation of our relationship right now. And on a day to day basis, week to week and even month to month basis, this is strong enough of a temporary foundation to weather this storm and to keep us grounded until we can build a better, stronger, deeper and more permanent foundation.

I want, I deserve, I value a marriage founded on trust and respect and common values. Over twenty years ago, I followed my heart, my brains, my gut and my values to choose a life partner to whom I would give my love, my heart and my body. I chose a man that I knew I trusted to my core. I chose a man I respected. I chose a man who showed me values congruent with mine.

There were things that I would have liked to have had in a husband but knew on my way into this marriage that I was choosing to do without – a music partner to harmonize with, a conversationalist to share deep analytical thoughts with, a person with the same religious and cultural background. But these things I could share on a less intimate basis with friends outside of our marriage. And I was OK with that. On the surface there was a fun, happy, caring and simple man. I was certain to my core that underneath that surface was strength and purity of heart. But one fateful day, I discovered weakness, selfishness and filth. And although he no longer acts on it, it is still never-the-less there. And only he can control whether he will truly grow and change, or if he will manage himself by suppressing, hiding, minimizing, rationalizing, defending or succumbing to those parts of him that I never dreamed existed, and never thought to see.

There is a spot in my heart carved out for him that is bigger than he can truly fill right now. There is an emptiness that I need to fill up with me, but I want to fill up with him. I hold hope that one day I can, and I will – but not until I can do so in a way that is truly consistent with my values. No delusions, no pretending. So I can fill my life with him, only to the degree that he is capable of providing. I can either fill the remaining emptiness from within myself, through others, or simply accept the emptiness. Actually, I am doing all three. But I am grieving the loss of something I once truly believed I had, and the loss of comfort, peace and joy that it provided for me.

weekly monitoring Aug 29, 2009 Week 2
1. Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

* A rainy Saturday with my husband while the children were gone all day. Easily and comfortably laying around the house slowly meandering between snuggling, napping, having great sex and talking about it.

*Got a hair cut, but did not plan it for a day where I would be dressing up and going out with my husband and setting myself up for disappointment if he didn’t notice. I got my haircut on a day convenient for me. Then I put on a tiny 2 piece bathing suit that I didn’t have the guts (and had too much gut) to wear for the last 10 years, and floated on the lake with 3 girlfriends and some nice champagne.

* Made a fire on the patio at the lake and played some guitar. My husband played a little harmonica, and two other friends added some harmonies. It was a beautiful and comfortable night.

* I was able to provide support, encouragement, comfort and a listening ear for quite a number of my friends who are currently feeling troubled and frightened about issues in their lives.

* Got some exercise including walking and yard work.

* Provided comfort and encouragement for my daughters, who were totally stressed out and freaked out by their driving lessons.

* Had a very comfortable conversation with my husband about my vision for the future of our relationship. Specifically, I spoke of several of our friends who have shared with us things that they choose not to share with their spouse. I told him that I believe they think they are protecting their spouse, but are likely protecting themselves. I told him that I do not want that kind of relationship. I see a relationship where there are no secrets, no omissions, and a willingness to share our vulnerabilities. He expressed his desire and willingness to have such a marriage.

2. Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion?

* So many friends are having their own traumas, crises and difficulties … “Pâ€Â

Weekly monitoring Sept 5, 2009 Week 3

1. Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

* Family time, focused on my daughters’ newly acquired driving permits. We bought an old, inexpensive, reliable car from friends, and have been taking them out to practice. My husband is proving to be a very competent, patient and supportive driving teacher. I was able to see him put their needs above his own. I also took each daughter out for a driving lesson, but in this regard I have more confidence in my husband’s ability than in my own. It feels good to actively trust and respect him, in some areas of our lives.

* Supporting others in crisis. After “Pâ€Â

Weekly monitoring Sept 12, 2009 Week 4

1. Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

* Saturday afternoon, floated with friends and discussed letting go of anger. “Pâ€Â

Weekly Monitoring September 19, 2009

D. Over the next four weeks, document your monitoring in your personal healing thread. Continue to document in your healing manager over the next six months.

Well I have done my four weekly monitoring exercises and today I am observing Rosh Hashana, the start of the Jewish New Year 5770, by actively engaging in the Yearly Monitoring I’ve done since the mid 1980’s (5745 ish). I do most of my writings in paper journals, and I have quite a stash of spiral notebooks and marble composition books. I realized this morning that last year (my first Rosh Hashanah after discovery – a full 11½ months after discovery) I used the last page in that particular notebook, and needed to start a fresh one this year. Well, I just happen to have a fresh one handy!

So this morning, I sat with my coffee and cigarettes – yes I have an addiction but not a secret one – one dragon at a time, thank you – so I sat with my coffee and my smokes on my lovely deck with my flowers and my tomatoes and read my yearly monitorings since 2006 … 13 months before discovery. I then put pen to paper and just wrote and thought. As always, I created a time line, where I use two facing pages, dedicating 4 or 5 lines to each month, of the year gone by (5769). I took my calendar to refresh my mind of important events. I looked through my healing thread and noted the lessons I was on during each month, and added them to my timeline. I thought about looking at my husband’s thread to see were he was, but decided he could make his own timeline if he wanted.

I spent some quality time with my husband, who has always been aware of my annual introspection and is now especially sensitive to it. I actually verbalized some of my newly formed and protected boundaries with a gentle but unyielding strength.

I then went for a walk, with my ipod, and happened to be on a song that moves me – White Bird, by It’s a Beautiful Day. I smelled the air, felt the sunshine and listened to the guitar, violins, vocals and subtle drums. I walked around the lake, and talked with the neighbors.
So it occurs to me that I would ask the same questions I do for weekly monitoring, but in the context of the last year, rather than the last 7 days. It occurs to me also, that I will continue my weekly monitoring in the same spiral notebook that I use for my annual spiritual contemplations.

1. Over the past year, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?

* By far, the majority of my meaning and fulfillment came from my observations of and interactions with my amazing 16 year old daughters. I feel that I have successful infused them with a strong sense of values, and they continuously display behavior that shows they make values based decisions. They are honest and hardworking, clever and funny, compassionate and caring. They are not hesitant to show me the love and respect and admiration they have for me. They respond to the respect, freedom and trust I give them with dignity and integrity. They do not feel squelched or smothered by the protection and restrictions I give them – they accept, honor and appreciate the boundaries I give them.

* I had a very fulfilling professional year. Although I rule with a firm hand, and have very high expectations, I won the hearts of many of my students. They opened themselves up to receive much of what I had to offer. I home tutored a 14 year old boy with brain cancer. I helped a senior pass the math requirements he needed to graduate. I was able to balance compassion and firm guidance in my dealings with many rambunctious teenagers. I supported, promoted and inspired amazing growth and learning, for two of the very most gifted young students I have had the honor to teach. I forged some new collegial friendships with a few young teachers in my building.

* I was very involved in my community, both socially and in service. I developed and managed a staff of lifeguards. I volunteered for clean-up and chaperoning. I supported many friends through their personal crises and traumas. I had pure simple social fun. I played my guitar and sang. I floated and drank champagne.

* My introspection through my RN lessons have brought me great intellectual and spiritual growth. I have always had a strong but subconscious awareness of my values. Now they are in black and white, with boundaries in place to protect them and consequences in place to enforce the boundaries. I have a deeper understanding of who my husband is, who he was, who he allowed himself to be and who he wanted to be, but chose mostly to pretend. I see how both of us neglected to foster our relationship, based on the assumption that since it started out healthy and strong, it would simply always be that way. I understand how my own denial came into play, as I simply ignored or turned a blind eye to those things that were not consistent with my vision of my perfectly wonderful husband. I understand how it seemed easier to reduce the importance and the very existence of my needs, rather than admit or assert that they were being unmet. I have learned now, to state my needs. I am learning to rely more on myself to fulfill them. I am learning to share with my husband the feelings I need to share, even if they are not happy and positive. I am learning to return to him the burden that he gave me, but belongs to him. I am able, sometimes, to hand this burden back to him with love, hope and compassion instead of bashing him over the head with it.

* I have gained much meaning in recapturing some of the love, intimacy and holy-sacred-blissful-marital-sex that I thought was the foundation of my marriage. There have been many moments, hours and even days in between the anger, fear, disappointment and loathing, where I have truly felt connected, loved, loving, respected and appreciated.

2. Over the past year, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion?

* The biggest drain has been my lethargy, much of which has been fueled by the continuing effects of this trauma. However, I have always had issues battling lethargy and procrastination. It’s just that now, when I am deactivated or disengaged from the things that give me joy, I have THIS as the background noise in my head. The emotional chaos stimulates my brain and actually helps me strengthen some of my values, but it definitely drains my time, energy and emotion.

* As I indicated in my weekly monitoring last week. All of the things that give me meaning, are also drains on my time, energy and emotion.

3. Given the meaning that was added to my life this year (Q1) and the events that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all?"

Looking back, I think I did pretty well. I see so much goodness and improvement, from where I am looking today. But on a day to day, in-the-moment view – I felt horrible for much of the year. It was a tough year, but I have come out stronger. My vision is clearer. I am more stable. I am not out of the woods, and I am not any where near fully healed. But I know that the key is to stick to my values and protect them.

4. Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next year that will facilitate the effectiveness of my life management skills?

* My husband and my marriage are one of the values I cherish most, but I need to give him the space to determine and strengthen his own values. He is still a long way away from earning my trust and respect. It is simply not enough that he has ceased his offense behavior and is trying to lead the type of life I though he always had. It is not enough. He needs to actively face the details of who he was, and develop his own insights and conclusions. He needs to think of the questions he needs to ask himself, and then have the guts and integrity to answer himself honestly and completely. And then he needs to be open and transparent, and voluntarily share this with me. I need to firmly but lovingly let him know that until he truly makes progress in this area, I will continue to have many firm boundaries in place, for my own protection. It will be a challenge for me to let him handle this himself, without me feeling like it is not being handled.

* I have many new challenges at work this year, and cannot afford to ride on my own momentum. I need to focus more time and energy on my career.

* My daughters will need a great deal of balanced support as they move closer to adulthood. They are learning to drive. They are taking all of the standardized tests for college admissions. They have a challenging course load and this is “the year that countsâ€Â

Minerva,
I'm so sorry about your dad. I hope he keeps as well as he can given the nature of his illness.

[quote]“Bâ€Â

Dear Husband,

Another couples meeting gone awry and yes, I went to sleep with a heavy heart. It seems to me that the only way for me to see what is really going on behind those walls you’ve built is for me to push and push and wear you down, until you lack the will to paint the picture you want me to see.

So I am afraid. I am afraid that the hidden truth is that you really don’t see anything wrong with what you were doing. I believe you are sincere in that it was wrong for you to hurt me. I believe that you are sincere in that it was wrong for you to lie. I believe that you are sincere in that it was wrong for you to break your vows. But what came out last night, is that when you remove me from the picture, you really think that what you were doing is OK. That if you weren’t a man in a committed relationship, with a woman who disapproves of masturbating to pornography – then there would be absolutely nothing wrong with scouring the internet for images of naked women and entertaining and soothing yourself by masturbating to them.

So what we have here is a fundamental disconnect in our Sexual Values. I see, and I sincerely believe, that you are willing to acquiesce to my values, for the sake of salvaging our marriage. You know that I do not accept this behavior and attitude, so you are willing to shut it off and suppress it. This is a sacrifice that you are willing to make. But I am afraid that you are not truly interested in truly changing your Sexual Values. You are just willing to let mine override yours. And then I should be happy and loving again.

But – why did I fall in love with you and marry you?
Yes, I like the way you look, but I didn’t marry you for your looks. Yes, you make a good living, but I didn’t marry you for your money. Yes, you know how to make my body feel good – but so did others from my past, that I didn’t want to marry. Yes, you are fun to be around – but so are friends and acquaintances. Yes, you do a lot of manly chores that I can’t or don’t want to do for myself – but I could either learn or hire someone to do that for me. Yes – you validate me by making me feel good about myself, but so do lots of friends and colleagues and students. So why did I fall in love with you and marry you? Because I truly believed our values were aligned with each other.

And now I find myself facing a limbo where you are willingly compromising your Sexual Values, so that you do not violate mine. You are willing to control or shut down your urges, but only for the sake of me and our marriage. But deep down inside, you still have the same Sexual Values you had when you were a boy. Your Sexual Values have never matured, and I do not see that you have a true belief that they should. You continue to assert that men have different urges and values then women. I assert that Sexual Values are supposed to change and grow, as we become thoughtful mature adults. I am afraid that you do not understand or believe that Sexual Values are supposed to evolve as we move through life.

The Evolution of My Sexual Values

When was a child, I had no idea what sex was. When I learned of the biological aspects of it, it sounded gross. When I developed breasts and a curvy figure at age 11, I liked the way boys and men looked at me, as if I were almost a grown woman.

When I was almost 12 years old, a grown man in his 30’s (a friend’s uncle) tried to seduce me. It felt good physically when he stuck his tongue in my mouth and my ears while fondling my breasts. It felt good emotionally to have a very handsome grown up man pay attention to me and treat me like a grown up. I was scared when he tried to make me put my hands in his pants, even though I was curious, and I managed to escape and go home (“don’t tell anyone about this or we could both get into a lot of troubleâ€Â

A) Make a list of objective signs that you would recognize in yourself that would indicate that you are not living a healthy, balanced life
* chain smoking
* over drinking
* excessive ruminating
* crying
* not eating well
* being bitchy
* compromising quality of work
* lethargy
* absence of laughter
* absence of joy
* absence of desire for physical contact (sexual and non-sexual)
* procrastinating
* feeling overwhelmed
* profound sadness

B) Taking your partner's current mindset, what areas (listed above) do you feel that he might be faking/holding back on? What areas do you think he is really putting forth a sincere, adequate effort?

Words- I don’t think he is deliberately faking these, but he has an ingrained pattern of acquiescing and capitulating. He still needs to attach words to what he truly thinks, feels and values, instead of what he thinks I want or need. His effort is sincere, but still not adequate. He also still says things – minor commitments or statements of intention – without “internalizingâ€Â