Recovery Nation

Lesson 1

Background in relation to the discovery:
I caught my husband out, watching porn 2 months ago and discovered that he is a sex and porn addict. It took me 2 months – spending 4 – 8 hours per day of talking and fighting to discover what is going on. He denied and lied about the extend and details for about 2 months. He tried to make me believe that he only watched photographer sites because he has a fascination with women’s breasts. He refused to admit that he is watching hard porn, but admitted that he is masturbating his whole life through. We went through 2 months of talking and fighting and I ‘caught’ him out on many lies – he eventually admitted that he is into hard porn on his computer, porn videos, porn TV and cd’s, buying magazines, playing sex games and reading adult porn stories. The addiction escalated the past 5 years and he went deeper and deeper into the secret double life that was leading. He was even watching porn sitting next to me – Till the day that I caught him out watching porn.
I always knew something was wrong – for over the 4 decades that I am involved with him. I knew it must an ‘emotional disorder’ but I did not know what was going on.
• There was always a lack of emotional closeness.
• He was not there for me when I needed him – not in the great exciting events in my life nor in the painful events where I nearly died. He was physically and emotionally not there. He was not even there when my first child was born- and so for all the great and sad events in my whole life.
• He had anger burst outs and silent moodiness – every time I tried to talk about our relationship or when I tried to get closer to him and understand what is going on.
• He lived a selfish life, and I had to perform to get things is way. – We had to live according to his needs, pace, schedule.
• He was always ‘meek and mild’ in other people’s presence but when he was with me there was no compassion, support , laugh or cry, interest or emotional intimacy, no respect – I was not important for him. I often asked him – “Where do I fit into your life?” Holidays, especially the past 5 years was very painful.
• We maintained a sexual relationship – up to 2- 3 times per month, but only when he wanted it.
• In conflict or when I tried to get close to him he will always tell met sarcastically that I am perfect, 100% and he is nothing – manipulating me to make me feel I am the reason for his anger. This escalated the past 5 years – he would scream and curse himself for 20 – 30 minutes.
• He always worked very hard for long hours and travelled overseas and worked out of town while I was at home alone – little did I know that every time he was out of town or abroad or when I was not at home – he was practising his sex and porn addiction.

Hello travelight,

I am sorry that your life circumstances have you be in a place where you need to be here. But, here is a very good place to be. I wish to welcome you to Recovery Nation, and wish you well as you work your way through your healing process.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Lesson 2 Reclaiming my life - Pursue my vision with passion

1.Think about who I am, the life I had lead before I found out about his addiction:

• My aim in life was to improve myself spiritually, emotionally and intellectually - and to invest in my marriage and children.
• I soon realised that there was something ‘lacking’ in the marriage. I tried to communicate about the relationship, asking and pleading and often “fighting” for communication, better understanding, and more closeness.
• Looking for help: During the years, we visited about 5-6 counsellors - but with no results. I then started to work on myself.
• I initiated and joined a spiritual meditation group and studied the latest spiritual books, like the Power of Now, Awareness and many more. I learned a lot about living in the present moment, talking responsibility for my life and own happiness, not blaming people and circumstances for my life, working on not being the victim.
• I invested in studying life skills and inner mastery and equipped myself with skills. The past years I spend at least 10 hours per week investing in inner life skills. I was at the point that I felt I have inner peace and I accept people for who they are – without judgement, without expectations. I told my husband that I fully accept him for who he is, and that I do not want to change him.
• I always took good care of me and was well groomed, stylish, in shape, fit and well dressed.
• I looked at my fears (loneliness was one) and at the empty holes in my life and faced them. To become a peaceful, whole being.
• I invested in being creative, creating a beautiful house with good music, reading good books and watching good programmes on TV. I created a good quality of life for myself.
• I used my entrepreneurial skills to bring in money as well – and started many projects to contribute to the income of the household.
• I invested in friendship, hospitality, warmness.
• I believed that to live in rapture, in hope, to inspire people, to grow spiritually, was the answer to a fulfilled life.
• I maintained good relationships with my children and they always complimented me for my style and involvement in their lives.
• I was always creative – in my way of dressing, my projects, my cooking skills, my writing skills.

Vision for my life
In short, my vision for my life was to grow emotionally, spiritually, intellectually to be a happy, full filled person, a good wife, a good mother and a good friend, inspiring the people around me. - To invest in growth, creativeness, style, self-improvement.

Now:
Although I realise that what I was doing and living, especially the past 10 years, was the right thing to do, the right legacy to leave behind as a wife, mother and friend, – it feels worthless to me now. I even feel angry and regret the fact that I tried to improve myself all the time. – I was blind. I was giving him more rope to fall deeper into his addiction; because he knew I was busy working on myself. He even boasted “that it is so nice that my wife is busy with all these skills – I can do what I want”. I was fooled. Why didn’t I stop working on myself – because I knew something was wrong? Why did I never check on his computer what he was busy with? Why didn’t I hire a sleuth to find out what is doing in his room when he is out of town? Why didn’t I sneak back at night when I was out and tried to figure out what he is doing when he was all alone? I could have “saved” years and decades of our lives instead of all the wasted decades, pain and sadness I have to face now.

Now I must write an ‘I am statement’ (for my vision):
I grow emotionally, spiritually, intellectually to be a happy, full filled person, a good wife, a good mother and a good friend, inspiring the people around me. - investing in growth, creativeness, style, self-improvement. – By living (with passion) the 12 abovementioned qualities of how I lived my life before.
I lost the passion for the above now – I wasted my life in an certain sense by doing it – giving him rope to live his selfish, ego-centric, comfortable life, falling deeper and deeper into his addictions and perverted secret life. All I “see” now is my wasted life. I have to spend my days with this terrible realisation. I have to invest into months and years on healing. He already “stole” 40 years of my life- now I have to live with this pain and “offer and ‘waste’ another decade to get over it, to get healing to be able to face life and people again. He violated my beingness, my worthiness, he rejected who I am. He destroyed my image of him as the most honest person on earth with solid values.
Must I a write another vision as the one I had before? I don’t know what to replace it with because I know that was the right vision. The question is HOW do I reclaim my life? My vision and passion is gone.

Hi Travelight,
I hear your pain, and want you to know that you are not alone in this journey. Many of us have asked questions like yours.
Hindsight is always 20/20. You were the good and trusting wife - don't beat yourself up over that. You were blind-sided. Some of us knew that there was an elephant in the room, but we just couldn't identify it for what it was - we overlooked the red flags because we trusted our spouse.

I assure you that there is nothing worse than this kind of betrayal other than the death of a child. You will be on an emotional roller coaster for a while, but as you do the lessons, this crazy ride will slow down and you will feel more balanced. The early lessons serve to educate you about this kind of addiction so you have a better understanding of what you have been dealing with. Knowledge is power and this will help free you up to focus on your own healing and separate yourself from his addictiion.
Now:
It's not worthless. Your qualities, the way you lived your life are not worthless. Part of your journey is about reclaiming yourself and your vision and values.
Now I must write an ‘I am statement’ (for my vision):
. This vision speaks to who you still are, most likely. He doesn't have the power to take this away from you. Only you do. Don't sacrifice yourself to his addiction.
Yes. He did. He lived a duality with a public life/image and a secret one. I totally understand what you are experiencing. My H was the "good guy" noted for his honesty, integrity,
ethics, and high moral standards. That applied most everywhere in his life except at home where it counted most. I, too, grieved for the man I thought I knew and thought to be authentic. I have had to make peace with that. So has he. It's one of the hardest part of this experience - wondering who we married and what was real. I have learned to NOT throw the baby out with the bath.
Good insight! Build on this. Begin a list of actual activities that you can begin doing now to make each element of that original vision happen on a regular basis. This is a work in progress. You can add to it, delete, refine as you grow and heal and see your needs. Keep your vision in present tense - no looking back - no negativity. Our visions are our roadmaps to help guide us today - day by day.

By living your vision. By doing the lessons one at a time and building on each one - this is a continuum. It will take time. It's hard work and sometimes painful, but you will gain clarity, personal insights, and you will determine the values to support that vision and the boundaries to protect each value. Keep posting on this thread by using the submit button below. A mentor or coach will check in occasionally to see how you're doing. Use the Community forum for questions, to vent, or share. We're a wonderful community of people who understand and care.

Your healing process will be unique to you so give yourself the Gift of Patience.
Nellie James

Thank you for your helpful reply. I worked on a lot of lessons and did not post them. I decided to do it now and will therefore post 2-3 lessons per week which I have done before.

Stage 1 Lesson 3

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behaviour. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

I always knew something was wrong and that “I am not is his head” and not important to him, but I never suspected him to be a sex addict.

I noticed that he became distracted and distorted and that in an argument he gets angry and curse himself. I thought it was me who evokes these emotions in him.

Although we maintained a sexual relationship, I often wondered why he did not make love to me when he comes home (sometimes after 2 weeks) but did not suspect his secret sexual life. What a fool I was – he hid his secret life 100% for 36 years. He was a master liar.

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behaviour.

• I realized that he acts very immature, with anger, and that he is neglecting and depriving me emotionally and that something is wrong “in his head” but I always took the responsibility to change myself so that I can become a better wife. I cried, pleaded and prayed for 36 years but it did not help. What a fool I was.
• I sometimes wondered why he spent so may hours in his study and why he is so willing to work out of town? - But it was only recently when we were forced to work in the same room on our computers that I noticed: Every time that I stand up from my chair he clicks away from the site he is working on. I knew he was busy with something – but what? I did not want to stir. I caught him out “by accident”. What a fool I was – he was watching pornography next to me. My heart has overridden my gut feelings.
• When we were walking along the beach – the 2 months before I caught him out, I was aware that he looks at every woman who passes by. I thought that I might be too sensitive and did not say anything.
• In the past 5 years when he was working out of town I felt the loneliness and lack of an intimate relationship. I realised that “I am not in his head” - I am not important to him. I asked a few times if there is someone else in his life and he said no and I believed him. I did not suspect him to be busy with a secret life, but I knew something was wrong.
• On the 2 weddings of my children I was very sad because he was not with me emotionally and even aggressive and did not want to dance with me. I knew something was wrong but I thought he was tired or it was me who irritates him.
• When I was out in the evening and came back, I sometimes wondered what he was doing but he said he watched TV. Little did I know that he was watching porn, and using magazines for his fantasizing and masturbation behind my back.


C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviours, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

• He is committed working on his recovery and promised me that I will be the one and only and number on in his life. However, whenever we go to a shop he keeps looking at women that pass by. I often catch him that he becomes very aware of women and keep looking at them. This makes me furious. He cannot let a single women pass by without noticing her and then in a shop he will pick one – this week at a party a caught him out looking about 10 - -20 times at the same girls legs. When I confronted him about his staring he admits that he was looking at another women!! - So there were two!! Later I caught him looking at a 3rd. He was scanning 3 women (that I know of) in my presence! He viciously denies it. It never stops and it makes me angry. I want to break and hit and scream. He is humiliating me in public moment by moment. He becomes angry and denies it all the time – only admitting that he only looked 1x at the the girls legs and 1x at the other girls knee! He is a liar and immature. He still thinks that I am a fool. I have eyes and catch him out when I expect it the least.
• Anger: He has an anger problem and gets furious when I address his sex addiction or discuss anything that is uncomfortable for him – Unhealthy communication patterns.
• My feelings of pain and my disturbed emotional state causes that I lash out or cry.
• Through the years I tempered my assertiveness and would sometimes keep quiet to prevent a fight. It then builded up to a crisis where I got an emotional outburst.
• He lied for 2 months after I caught him out and I still catch him out that he is lying or withholding information and he gets furious when I discuss it with him. He doesn’t like it at all when I ask any question.

Stage 1 lesson 4

1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviours that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

1. He takes care of financial planning
2. He does the research of a holiday destination
3. Sometimes creative – jewellery, sculpturing
4. He is neat (body and clothes – but not his office and garage)
5. Witty remarks – a sense of humour.

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.
1. Selfishness, concerning personal rituals
2. Rationalising, ignoring, minimizing the core issue
3. Awareness of women
4. Ignorance towards me when we are socializing with other people -laughing at others jokes – shows little response to mine
5. Little need for partnership, doing things with me, complementing me and putting me first. Although it already improved, he “disappears”, fall into his “own world” - depending on his mood
6. Anger: when I speak/give my opinion, he gets angry. When he is stressed he raises his voice and talks in an angry way.
7. Open communication: when I ask about anything that involves his emotions or motives he is uncomfortable or angry he says: ”I don’t know.” He knows the answers but he is in denial. When I ask information about a topic he does not give the full picture - withhold some info.
8. Mood swings: one day the calm dog the next day the wolf.

How many lessons have you completed? Are you continuing to work on your lessons while posting the ones that are completed? Just wondering how far ahead you are.
Nellie James

Hi Nellie
Thank you for your quick reply. I am currently in stage 3 and then decided to post the previous ones. I was too eager to work on the next lesson and did not post the previous ones. Do you think I must stop working on stage 3 and first post the ones that I have completed? I realise that I have many questions and cannot do the lessons on my own. I have nobody to talk to. Your comments meant a lot to me.

Hmmm, there is not right or wrong way to do this. From my perpesctive, I like to try to stay current with the postings just in case there is a big question or issue or misunderstanding. Here's an idea, re-visit the lessons you have completed to see if anything has changed for you. I do believe in a steady momentum allowing time for you to digest each lesson. It's a continuum or building process for you. You can add to old lessons or update if you want to using a different font color to indicate any new insights. Just a thought.

Nellie

Thank you for the good advice Nelly! I will revisit the lessons, add something if necessary and the post it.

OK. Post as many lessons as you have ready. Revise or refine before or after you post.

Nellie

Stage 1 Lesson 5 Exercise Five
Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behaviour. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational.

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behaviour to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

I notice stress by the uncomfortable feeling in my body. My mind then gets anxious, sad or frustrated. I will think about the solution, talk about it, pray about it, get information and/ or help or read and ask for wisdom in my spiritual group. I will try to obtain the specific life or spiritual try to talk to him, cry and eventually fight (argument).
After I caught him out I felt totally helpless/angry/sad/denied, I turned to irrational behaviour like drinking a glass of wine or smoke a cigarette. (I quit the smoking, but under severe stress in the past months I will buy and smoke 5 cigarettes in a row.) I stopped doing it.
Previously - before I knew of his addiction, I managed my stress by listening to good music, go to the gym, watch a good programme on TV or socialize with friends when I feel lonely.

B. Consider a compulsive behaviour that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

As far as I know I did not have compusive behaviour, but would act as follows:
I got anxious and sad when my husband neglected me and treated me badly.
I had a closed feeling and fear his anger outbursts.
I felt the victim when I realised that I am not important to him, that his ego and selfishness is more important than me and that he will neglect me and leave me alone and will not support me in the most darkest (or best) moments in my life. - Like the birth of my first child when he left me alone, or when I won a title and he was not there or when I win a big prize and he is not there with me when it was handed over to me, or when his family was visiting and he was in a bad mood and he took them for dinner and left me alone at home.
I cried and tried to talk - but often keep quiet, because I know that will evoke his anger.
I often happened that I woke up at night crying - and would sit on the sitting room, crying for hours. Sometimes I would write him a letter and plead for a better realtionship, but he would ignore the letter.
I did not engage in compulsive behaviour but when I "crack" I cried for days and experienced the pain on a regular basis. I felt like a victim and started working hard to get out of it. I read many books and did courses to obtain skills to make myself happy. I would sometimes keep quiet for months and then when I could not take it any longer I start talking, crying and when he got angry I lashed out. Now I know I was not playing the victim role, I WAS the victim.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?


1.I dont really know. He would manage his emotions with anger. He did it anyway. He would fly into a rage and would not speak to me for days.
If he lacks management skills, he lacks it. – So, he will manage it with anger.
All the opportunities in the world were there for him to obtain the skills. We visited 6 marriage counsellors and belonged to a Bible study group – may be he would use their advice or use the advice of the spiritual group we belonged to or the help of the many books available, but he didn’t. My question is: why did he use porn and SA to manage his emotions? Why did he not grab a book or counsellor or RN or a course to help to manage his emotions? I was there for him – why did he betray me and chose the dark world of pornography to “manage” his life? He has everything in life – but he betrays me with porn sluts.

The right thing to do is that he would talk to his wife, share his emotions and put our relationship first so that he can allow me to support and boost him (as I did, but he would not allow me.)
He would get a coach/councillor/mentor; - but he preferred the pleasure of porn and mindfucking and masturbation.

2.How he would stimulate himself emotionally: He would use anything except his wife and children to stimulate him emotionally. - like hunting or watching rugby. He could grab the support love and friendship of his wife – although I am not sure – he had everything in life but did not use it to stimulate himself emotionally: his wife, his children, the church group, books, counsellors, courses, friends, holiday opportunities, a beautiful house, hobbies like hunting, sculpturing, making jewellery, toast masters – I often asked him: “You have everything in life but you are unhappy. What more do you need? Why can’t you enjoy the moment?” He was not involved in my life and did not even attend the birth of our first child. So what would he use then? He was not interested in doing things with me – the first 4 days of holidays were always a nightmare – he was in a terrible mood.
Why didn’t he choose gambling or drugs or (more) alcohol? He had good parents; he was not abused as a child although I know that his parents were not very involved in his life. I am sure that he is one of the cases who choose porn for pleasure.
Extract from lesson 5: “In rare cases, a person can develop sexually destructive patterns not by trauma, but by a progressive pleasure/pleasure pattern where both the introduction to sex, as well as the natural on-going development of sexual values produces positive emotional fulfilment. In such instances, additional behaviours are added to the sexual repertoire to further expand this pleasure.”
I think his ego was the most important thing in his life, he took me for granted and had a very “enjoyable” life – when he came home I was well dressed, the children were taken care of and there was dinner on the table – but he was not interested in a close relationship - his “pleasure pattern” stimulated him more than everything he had in the world – and he was willing to sacrifice everything for his pleasure and addiction.

3.How would he regulate his stress?
Through the years, he did go on hunting expeditions and watched rugby for hours and that put him in a good mood. He always used alcohol when he was stressed - and smoking. All of that was also an escape- a pleasure escape, cutting me out of his life. I pleaded for closeness and togetherness. He loved himself and his porngirls more than me.

So why did he choose to engage in pervert porn and not in alcohol abuse to regulate his stress? He was always the very strict conservative father and on the church council and school council – he did not even use foul language, so why choose to regulate his stress with pervert porn? Why did he choose a secret pervert life and betrayed me my whole life through? He fooled me. His children still thinks that he is holier than Thow.

If he could manage his life without his addiction, we would have the chance to grow together, to improve together in doing courses together, reading books and doing courses together, doing fun things together, love each other and enjoy all the good things in life which we had – but… he was not interested. He chose his secret pleasures.

Stage 1 Lesson 6 Exercise Six

Understanding the sexualized mind will go a long way in allowing you to better relate to what you are currently experiencing. The more objective insights and awareness that you develop, the stronger will be your ability to maintain confidence and control in your life. And, the faster it will be achieved.

A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.

B. Quite often, many sexual behaviours occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humour, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviours through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behaviour over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

He hid his addictions perfectly for the 41 and half years that I know him. – I never, never, NEVER suspected him to be a sexaddict.
Behaviours that played a role, was his anger – never could I talk about our relationship – he would flew into a rage
I was not aware of his cocoon of sexuality until a caught him out watching porn and scanning women.
He travelled overseas a lot – living and acting out his addiction to the fullest - I did not know about it.
He worked out of town for the past 5 years and his addiction escalated and totally got out of hand – but I did not know it. All I knew was that I am not important to him and that I AM NOT IN HIS HEAD. When I asked him what is going on, he was angry.
C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?
1. The sexualised mind
I only can notice his sexualised mind now, after I discovered that he is a sex addict. He is aware of every woman that passes by – his scanning totally got out of hand. He used ‘normal’ as well as porn magazines for his fantasies and masturbation. – Even art and sculpture and medicine books.
2. The objectified mind
He never had an affair – he disassociates the person from the action – he had sexual fantasies with all his secretaries, my friends and porn sluts but no personal contact.
3. Need for gratification
I believe that is why he is addicted to masturbation and uses porn, fantasies and scanning of women - to get immediate gratification. (Pleasure and selfishness) He was always upset when he wants to do something and cannot – like watching the news – if somebody interrupts, he flew into a rage.
4. All or Nothing
In every conversation or argument he will tell me I am everything and he is nothing. When I caught him out he wanted to commit suicide and I had to hide the revolver twice.
He cannot see a balanced picture – always the extreme. Black or white.
“Warped perceptions and skewed processing is at the root of the sexualized mind.” – This I often notice – he often warps and skews arguments and words and does not see the core message or the point of and argument
He often apologizes for something totally out of order – not the real thing mistake that he made.

Exercise Seven
A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:
I. Effective communication
I do a lot of lashing when I go into an emotional state (most of the time once per day)
I ask a lot of questions and share my pain.
I also recognize his devotion to recovery.

It’s now 7 months (since I caught him out) and a few months later - after I did exercise 7.
The communication improved a lot, but it often happens (Once a week) that when I have questions about his SA, he gets angry and aggressive. Shouting fighting and screaming follows and he will slam doors, take his knife out, run for the safe (his revolver) and I will try to prevent him and then we end up with bruises – emotionally drained.
I realised that this pattern must stop. The first phase (Almost 5 months) was “POWER and WISDOM” to get behind his addiction, uncover lies and discover what is going on. Now, I am moving to HEALTH and HEALING. I was trapped in the first phase – I was still looking for the truth (and honesty) about his addiction. Now it is time to move on.
Last week he was diagnosed with colon cancer. Devastating news. I then realised that it is indeed time now for health and healing and that I must leave the past and all my questions. I believe strongly that I must “sacrifice my emotions and questions and focus on health and healing and support him with the big operation which will be next week. I have to support him.
I can only hope and believe that God will support me – I have nobody to talk to. My beloved daughter is moving to another city, far away, at the end of this month.
II. Managing your partner's recovery
I do not manage his recovery, however I mention it to him when he is staring/looking at other women. He then gets defensive or aggressive and angry – a vicious circle that is carrying on for 3 months now.

I sometimes have questions and when I ask him about it, he gets angry. Like my question last week about why did he buy the Hustler and not the Playboy – why did he prefer the Hustler? What is in the Hustler? He assured me that he bought the Hustler because the Hustler only has topless photos of girls. – And a free video. I instantly knew that he is lying to me about the contents and again I asked him the next few days about the contents of the Hustler and he assured me the Hustler only shows topless girls, and a page with letters -nothing more. But he suggested that I go and buy a Hustler if I do not believe him. I did it. I bought one. I was shocked with the contents. He lied to me (for days) about the contents:
• The Hustler is a perverse sex magazine – topless girls are hard to find –there were only 6 pictures of topless girls
• There were 47 full colour explicit photos of women’s vaginas
• There were 24 nude pictures – tits and vaginas
• There were 56 explicit sex pictures – one on one or group sex
• There were only one page with 7 short “letters”
• There are perverse cartoon jokes and almost every second page
• There are hundreds of smaller sex photos (sex videos advertisements) – I did not count them
• The free video included is hard core sex with a filthy “story”
I kept quiet about my discovery of his lies, because he had to go for a colonoscopy and I waited till he was out of hospital and then confronted him with his lies. He was furious and still denies it and still tells me that the Hustlers he bought only had topless girls. I cannot believe that he is still thinking that I am a fool and will buy the crap that he dishes up to me. It all ended up in a big fight screaming and he “slammed” a chair on another chair, broke a glass tray…etc.

Now I realise that he is still “blocking “out the truth and still has immature thinking and little communication and stress management skills.

I will leave it there, because now that he was diagnosed with cancer, I strongly believe that this is a sign for both of us to move on to health and healing and to leave the past and the questions about the past behind. I just feel sad in my heart that I know he is still lying and minimalizing about his SA. I did not buy the Hustler to manage his recovery, but I listened to my gut when I asked him about the contents and I knew he was lying to me. – he challenged me to buy one – he was shocked when I told him that I did and caught him out again - and I am shocked that he is still lying or “blocking out” .

Now I want to move on. I know we have another chance – it is the time for Health and Healing. I will go with him through it. We must focus on his operation and have to support him in the months ahead.



III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health
I work every day on empowering myself: working on RN, reading The Power of now, Spiritual Partnerships, praying, talking, crying. I feel however that I grow too slowly in my pursuit of health. It feels to me that I will give him “rope” to carry on if I except everything and act out ok and healthy. It’s not that I want him to suffer, but I want him to realize the damage of the 4 decades – he destroyed my life, and I am trying to regain it – but it is painful and slow. I do not know what to do with the rest of my life. My joy is gone. My rapture for life dead.

(Latest adding)
The news of his cancer was a big turn and mind shift. I know now that we must focus on healing and not on SA. I must work positively every day on health and healing and support my husband with his operation - I know a positive mind, is a healing mind.
B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?

I realize I must believe in healing, commit a 100% to health growth and reinventing in this relationship – but it is hard after I have been deceived or 40 years.
I work on RN but find it hard to post – I am too eager to move on to the next lesson and gain more information.

None of us have anybody to talk to and in the area we live are no support groups.
I am grateful for the help of RN and my husband is devoted to work on his recovery.

Latest adding:
For the past 7 months (since I caught him out), my whole life “changed,” ‘stopped” and came to an end. All we do is stand up, work on RN talk about RN. At night, I lay awake with pain and many questions. When I ask about his SA, he gets furious. It feels to me that the whole world turns around his SA and his recovery. My life is over. We cannot buy magazines or watch TV – everything is a trigger to his addiction. I ignore my friends – he had sexual fantasies with them... I am stuck in my house and in a terrible situation.

Now we have a new situation – he was diagnosed with colon cancer last week. I feel “relieved” that this will hopefully “stop” our focus on SA and that we will be occupied with his sickness, operation health and healing. At least this is a “new” phase. I really want to support him. I believe strongly that he will recover and that we will get a second chance to start over with a new life –which was wasted for the 40 years that I know him.

If I look back, a lot of things already changed. He is much more focused on me and supportive. (as long as I ignore the past and does not ask anything about his SA.) Although we still have mountains to climb, I am grateful that I can say that I have my husband ‘back’.

C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?

I realize I must be the role model for life skills – which I am not at this stage.
I must be open and not destructive in communication
I must commit to rebuilding the relationship – at this stage I sit back and let him initiate. I must give myself the best chance at success

New adding:
I still feel a bit ‘reluctant” towards life skills – I spend my whole life working on life skills and growing spiritually but I feel it did not pay off. I hope that in the future I will be able to see how it all can help me to grow. I even feel sometimes that I did not succeed in inspiring my children and that they do not honour me enough. – They will sometimes raise their voices and have an argument, but they will never do that with their dad. They do not know about his secret life. So I sometimes feel that it is unfair that they see him as the hero and they cannot understand my sadness and brokenness which I sometimes share but most of the times hide from them.

Concerning communication, I realize that I have to be the healthy mature communicator. But: I often have to keep quiet – for the sake of the children, or not to stir him (because I am afraid that it will end up in violence.)
Now I know that I have to put my feeling and questions aside because I must support him with his cancer and the big operation next week.
I am committed to rebuild the relationship. I find it hard however, because in a public place, when I notice his awareness of women, I feel total worthless and betrayed and then I do not see how we can ever build a relationship (because it never exits – it was all fake. I was fooled and betrayed for decades.)
I realise I must give myself the best chance of success. I do not know how. I only know that it is now time to support him with his cancer.

Obtaining the skills to deal with emotions in healthy ways is a process beginning with absolute honesty with yourself which most SAs are not able to do because they don't even know how skewed their thinking is. From there it is again a very long, complicated and unique journey. Establishing a set of healthy values that help determine and build new behavior patterns with action plans, and a firm understanding of SA behavior rituals are just part of the work involved. It's a very individual and a somewhat selfish process just as your own healing is. I know this sounds harsh but it is the way it works. You each need to focus on yourself first in terms of recovdery and healing. As you become healthier, work on the relationship has a chance. As you do the lessons, this will become clearer to you and you will develop the tools you need to honor your values and your life vision.

I'm sorry that your H was diagnosed with colon cancer. However, this statement really jumped out at me.
In what way do you plan to sacrifice your emotions? Can you clarify what you mean here?

It's great that you are compassionate about supporting him during this, but don't sacrifice yourself and your own healing due to this health issue. Find a good balance here. You can support him as he regains his health but don't ignore yourself. Keep doing the lessons.

Nellie