Recovery Nation

Then (Oct 3, 2007):
~extreme moods (especially anger and irritability)
~lack of interest in sexual intimacy
~extreme sadness/depression/fatigue
~compulsion and obsession (to control/find evidence)
~loss of trust (for him and more importantly for myself and my instincts/intuition)
~resignation and emotional withdrawl from life
~upon new discoveries: rubber legs; loss of physical strength; nausea
~questioning my judgement to the point of mental instability & belief I am going crazy
~physical sensation of choking and urge to run away
~feelling isolated, unrelated to and disconnected from other people

Now:
~worry related to the impact all of this has on my children
~over-sensitive to behaviors that I think may be directly related to his addiction; ~constantly monitoring myself to make sure I do not over-react
~withdrawn in friendships; feel misunderstood and a general lack of relatedness to others
~fights over money, how it is spent and accountability issues relating to his hiding money so he can buy/rent pornography
~skewed perception of people in general (cynical, suspicious)
~emotional energy is low
~feeling almost "claustrophopic" of the sexualization present in society
~expectations I put on myself to be "perfect" so that he cannot deflect responsibility onto me and so I can be sure of myself
~waiting. waiting for the other shoe to fall. waiting for the next relapse. waiting to finally hear the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. and with all of this waiting I am bracing myself which takes a great amount of energy and I think it has physical impact in my body
~uncertain of my sexual compatability with my partner, when all is said and done.
~worry over having to restructure my life entirely in order to be self-sufficient and provide for my children parentally, emotionally and financially.
~reinforced my blanket beliefs about men; contributed to my lack of faith/apathy toward men and the possibility of my having healthy relationship with
~questioning my sense of self, my spirituality, my beliefs my being; putting my life under a microscope and questioning, second-guessing, finding fault...
~taking on his blame-shifting as truth/reality
~concern about the nature of his friendships with other women and his integrity and awareness/ignorance in respect of the same
~not knowing what is real, what is a fabrication
~questioning the reality of our relationship and what I thought it meant
~struggle to keep balance and perspective (in my healing and in his recovery)
~internal conflict about liability and responsibility (my perception vs. reality)
~Trust issues. huge trust issues.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

*Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.

I intend to remain consistently aware of what is healthy and unhealthy in terms of recovery and to assess on a regular basis. This is necessary for me to know I am not just coasting and also because I have to feel that progress is being made consistently for me to remain committed to the relaionship. I guess where I am lacking is in offering support/affirmation when it is warranted. But this is where difference in perception becomes an arguement... I think I do acknowledge and he thinks I do not~or not enough. I digress. I know that I will not in any way attempt to manage his recovery. I will be clear in my communication of what my needs are. I will be open to his sharing and I will offer/exchange my thoughts. If he for me to keep my opinions to myself, I will honor his request.

*How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?

I have no intention to secretly investigate any of his actions. I have been open with him when I have looked for evidence... but maybe this is because I usually come up with something that I am concerned about and have been compelled to discuss it with him . I do check up on him once in a while. It is no longer a compulsive urge. I have noticed that my checking has decreased significantly which may be an indicator of my trust buiding... maybe .
 
*What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?

To answer this I must first look at which personal values were damaged as a result of his addiction. They are:
Being a role model
Being a contribution
Free thinking
Empowerment
Honesty
Communication
Respect/being respected
Partnership
Emotional Health/Stability
Independence
Responsibility
Integrity (or our relaitonship)
Safety
Balance
Growth and Progress
Strengthening my role as a parent
Being an Inspiration to others
Developing emotional maturity
Establishing financial security/freedom
Feeling Appreciated
Passionate about life
Being judged trustworthy
Indulging in creative inspiration/development
Being Connected to my own feelings
Connecting to purpose and meaning of life
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Personal independence
Fidelity
Feeling happy and content
Communicating feelings
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Self-Respect: taking pride in who I am, the decisions I make and the life I am living
Meaning: pursuing a reason for my existence~spirituality, progeny, self-awareness
Intimacy: sharing a special trust and vulnerability with another human being
Autonomy: being in control over the direction of your life

I will not allow him to continue to damage any of my values, actually. To protect my values I first acknowledge my responsibility... that he can only damage my values if I allow him to ... If he violates any of my values I will communicate to him in a direct manner that he has violated my value of (insert value here) by (insert action or behavior here) and that I feel said action or behavior is unacceptable. I will expect him to be responsible for his behavior/action and clean it up/rectify the situation. If he does not I will tell him that I choose not to be around someone who will violate my values and I will separate myself from him... the degree of my separation will be in direct relation to the degree of which he violates my values and to the degree in which he is responsible.
 
*Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.

The mistakes I will tolerate over the next two months:
I will tolerate most "mistakes" short of relapse as long as he is able to recover (from the mistake) in a reasonable amount of time (24hours) by taking responsibility for and by rectifying that mistake, communicate his responsibility in the matter and make amends. Now, if there is a series of several mistakes within the two month period, I will communicate my concern and will expect to see progress and growth made in the area of said mistakes. Mistakes I will specifically not tolerate:
giving up on himself/his recovery
repeated refusal to take responsibility for his mistakes combined with no effort made to rectify those mistakes.
relapse (planned acting out with covering up/hiding)
 
*How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility--both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?

I do not intend to take any responsibility for or investment in changing my partner. He bears the total responsibility of his addiction and of his recovery. I am committed to being straight in my communication with my husband, the positive and the negative. If I have a concern I use "I feel" and "it seems to me" or "my perception is". I try not to use blame statements but I can't say for sure that I never do. I try to keep my emotions even but I they do get elevated when he counters my concerns with deflection or minimization. I have to work on not continuing to engage in the conversation when it goes this way. I also need to practice making a point of communicating the positive observations. I do communicate some. I don't know if my lack of communication in this area is because I have little to communicate or if I have reservations... probably a bit of both. I know that the times I have shared positive observation, he has thanked me but then when he feels threatened by my sharing a concern, he will turn around and accuse me of only pointing out the negative... a sign of his black and white/all or nothing thinking (sigh). I do tend to get caught up in "if he says it is so, it must be true" which, I know, is not necessarily reality. I have to work harder at listening to my inner self and disengaging before the conversation turns to argument.
 
*Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs? If the latter, how much clarity do you have in determining and communicating your personal needs?

I do not use threats or rewards, not deliberately. I think some consequences can be perceived as threats and rewards... but I do not use them as such. However, in the past I definitely used threats. Empty threats. Now I have my boundaries and they are clear. I periodically remind him (and myself) of them. When we are met with obstacles I am clear about my boundaries and about what I need. He knows I expect continuous growth. He know that even after he has recovery that I am committed to continuous growth, personally. He feels pressured by this and I cannot be responsible for this. If he feels that my values and commitments to myself are a threat~that is for him to work through as they are in no way presented as a threat but rather as what is so, for me.
 
*How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen?

I will have to be willing open myself up to vulnerability. I will have to give up my need to control the outcome. I will have to find more consistent peace with our relationship as it and as it isn't. I will have to give up my thoughts that he is trying to manipulate. I will have to learn to be more trusting of his intentions and of his word. From him, I need him to be trustworthy. I need him to be forthcoming, open and transparent. He will have to be more proactive with his effort. He will have to anticipate what my needs are in terms of making me feel safe and secure in this relationship and act accordingly. He will have to think more deeply about his behaviors, not just take bandage actions when something goes wrong. I need to see that he is deeply developing his vision and values and internalizing them~that his being is being derrived from his values and not from mine or what he thinks I (or anyone else) want him to be and certainly not because he wishes to win favor with anyone.

*Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication. We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals:

The biggest obstacle I see is sexual intimacy. I will put more thought into this and expand on it at a later time. (Obviously, part of the obstacle is my being tentative and evasive... my issues with trust and vulnerability and giving up control)

 
*Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.

Since I have recent experience with this...
I was out of balance, I couldn't stop the thoughts from ruminating in my head so instead of resisting, I went with them. I allowed them to come to a head and I bawled my eyes out which lasted for no more than ten minutes. Then, I came downstairs, came online and read this lesson and my fog lifted. I cried a bit because I saw myself in all of the negativity. I felt fresh and light. I felt at peace. I went upstairs and climbed into bed and meditated until I fell asleep. Now, this is a good Bedtime Plan. But if it is in the middle of the day... if I am at work I will tell myself, not now. Now is not the time and I will put the thoughts aside and redirect my focus to my work. This will work in any scenario... if I am playing with my kids or making dinner or doing something else that requires my presence. Then, when the time is appropriate, I will set time aside to think on what my struggles are. I will pull out my vision and values lists and I will revise and reacquaint myself to them. When I am out of balance, what there is for me to do is recognize this imbalance and take responsibility where I can. If I feel that my boundaries are undefended or my values neglected or deteriorating or violated... who is responsible? If someone else directly infringed upon my values then I need to communicate this offense. If it is because I haven't amply supported myself, then I need to ask myself why? What is going on in my life that has me neglect myself? Am I coasting? Am I out of integrity with my commitment to myself? If so, I need to recommit. Usually, if I am out of balance I can regain my sense of self by simply taking control and responsibility for myself. It is an exercise in Empowerment, really. But, if I still feel out of balance (or even if I don't) I can read a lesson, post in the support forum or read some threads and offer feedback as I always seem to get something for myself in so doing and if nothing is directly related to my experience I get something (meaning, contribution, relatedness) just by sharing and contributing.
 
*What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?

Taking responsibility for his life and himself.
Willingness to be open without my propting, pushing or pulling.
When he lets go of trying to manage how I will react or be through his communication (ie. not sharing because what he has to share might upset me)
He is Transparent
He is Forthcoming
He experiences authentic relatedness and belonging with increasing regularity.
Self-assurance combined with maturity.
When he works on developing his sense of self/ When he identifies the qualities and values by which he wishes to live his life.
When he creates a vision for his life that is authentic to him.
 
*What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?

I don't really know how to name the subtleties that generate a warning of imbalance for me. I know that I can just tell when he is out of balance. The insincerity is more ambiguous and hard to pick up on. The more obvious signs are:
Deflecting responsibility; minimizing; blameshifting; being evasive or elusive; shifting his focus off of his health onto me and my health; compulsivity in other areas not relating to sexual addiction; lack of direction; lack of motivation in day to day activities; falling out of routine/structure;

To do this lesson I went to my old healing thread (to cheat, really ). What I discovered as I read my old response is that my support system has expanded and evolved.

A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?

my original two close friends plus:
counsellors at the treatment centre my husband is at
my step mom
my dad
a few other additional friends
fellow coaches and community members at Recovery Nation
my employer
my husband (limited)
myself
my children**
my aunt
my husbands family

My experience of turning to others for support is more of being open and honest about what I am dealing with and the emotions involved and the work I am doing around all of this. I share. It is an exchange. Some of the people in my life are better equipped to provide a healthy perspective. I have opened up to my dad and step mom, where previously I hadn't. My husband's family have offered support to us collectively and individually which means alot. As far as support that directly relates to the addiciton and recovery process I look to my fellow coaches and the community here as there is a direct relatedness and we are all educated on the subject. I also recieve support in the form of "safe" sharing with my husband (when we have attended counselling together at the treatment centre and when we have been able to discuss in an emotionally mature and responsible manner)

**When I say my children, it is not in a direct sense. How they are part of my support comes about in my role and relationship to them. They are the brightest spot of my day (usually ). Also, as my son gets older, we are able to have more mature conversation--when he is open to them. (As he has gotten older, he is less open than he used to be, which is difficult for me, but I respect his autonomy).

B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.

Recovery Nation online workshop and coaching (in getting direct support as well as contributing and seeing things for myself inside of that contribution)*
my small personal support library *
developing my spirituality and relationship with myself *
work (just going to work, focusing on my job, getting value out of my contribution at work and financially to my family, creative expression, sense of accomplishment) *
being a mom and doing mom things *
organizing (sporadic~my "stuff" ie. photos, closets, cupboardsmovies, music, fabric, my "space"... pretty much anything that can be organized) *
cleaning (more than the basics~a natural extension of organizing~also sporadic) *
internet (research)
exercise (I am "on the verge" of taking up some form of regular[/i] physical activity:w:)
listening to music (decompression and relaxation; emoting)*
meditation (usually used as a relaxation technique when my mind won't settle or to bring my focus back to the present)*
our cats * (minimally, but I am "opening up" in being affectionate with them, where I used to push them off of my lap/find them annoying, I have been letting them sit with me and I even pet them and talk to them!)

C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?

I was a part of my dad's and sister's support system when my mom was dying. It was a positive experience and it strengthened our relationships. It was also somewhat stressful as they weren't able to deal very well emotionally and I was called on to do many things that required me to take time off of work, spend time away from my children etc. but I really do not regret any of it . I was a support for my mom during this time as well and I feel it was important for me to be there. Even though I felt stretched and at times taken advantage of (because I was stronger emotionally and everyone knew I would just handle it) I would not have done anything differently.
When I look at how this experience might affect how I set up with my own support system, I think that I will not ask alot of any one particular person and I will rely as much as possible on what is available in the community outside of my personal friends and family. I am pretty in touch with myself and I see myself as strong. I can handle many things on my own AND I know when to seek and ask for help.
I copied and pasted this response and what I have just realized is that I have not relied on what is available in my community and I have relied more on my own personal strength. I am starting to see where there are some questions or issues that keep circling my mind and I have not been able to resolve them on my own. As they are not just resolving themselves I may actually have to get out there and find some in depth support for my tendencies to shield myself from vulnerability and for my residual perceived threats. Or, perhaps it is a matter of practice, practice, practice. I turn to my values when I feel out of balance but the times I do not I feel more overwhelmed by these residual impacts. There is also the lingering issue of redeveloping sexual intimacy. I have previously indicated that I have concerns that need to be addressed in this area of my relationship.

A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.

Honest
Responsible
A Person of Integrity
Contribution
Role Model
Fair
Respected/Respectful
Safe/Secure
Trustworthy
Balanced
Aware
Peaceful
Open
Wise
Committed
Spiritual
Introspective
Proactive
Productive
Evolutionary
Partnership
Independent
Flexible
Fun
Realistic
Compatible
Individual
 
B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

My values will help keep me true to myself. They will have me be in integrity with myself. They will have me make choices and take actions that are healthy. They will hold me accountable for myself. Simply put, whenever I act in alignment with my values I will always be acting in the most healthy and empowering way possible.
 
C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar? They should be. In fact, they should be practically identical--with your vision serving as a narrative for the list you have here. If they are not, change whichever is inconsistent with the life that you want to lead. Your vision must be forged from your core values or you will continue to struggle with imbalance and chaos.

In the previously mentioned lesson I hadn't taken individual values, rather I created an action plan that I could use to strengthen all of my values. My reason for this is that so many of my values are interconnected with other values. I have difficulty isolating my values. I don't have issue with this because in reality, we cannot live without a value system... not if we wish to be healthy. The operative word being system. So, rather than continue to struggle with isolating my values I just went to work. It's a bit of a jumble but it serves the purpose of the lesson (I think) which is to have us look at how we can use our values in our lives to maintain balance, health and stability and to have us look also at how we can expand our values as they will need to continually evolve to remain relevant to our lives. I am, however, open to suggestion and to looking further at how to expand on this exercise!

Honesty: When I act inside of Honesty I in turn support my other values of Self-Respect, Integrity, Self-Love, Responsibility, Being a Role Model and Trustworthy. It also increases my Peacefulness and keeps me Balanced. Honesty helps to keep me Aware of myself. I would be hard pressed to tell a deliberate lie as it would diminish too many of my other values, mainly my sense of Self Respect and Love. To be so unaware of myself to tell a "white" lie would also undervalue who I am as a person. Somewhere I read about expanding honesty to include "honest as they can be". I accept this only from the point of view that there would also be a commitment to expanding honesty to be complete as I am of the mind that you are either honest or you are not. It may sound all or nothing/black and white but for me there is no "grey" area in being honest. What this means for me~desiring/expecting complete honesty~is that I must also be willing and prepared to hear things I might not like, to accept constructive criticism and to not let other people's words drive my reactions. In reality, I know that not all people are this honest, with me, with each other or even with themselves. This is where I noticed that Compassion and Understanding were missing from my list of values (and where I can comfortably create a space for). As long as I Understand this about other people (that we all have different ideas of honesty or at least different rules around it) then I can also have Compassion. This applies not only to my husband as he works along his recovery, but most importantly to my children. Having Compassion and Understanding will help me to stay Balanced and to refrain from behaving reactively in anger or upset.

Next Steps: bring Understanding and Compassion into the fore of my mind in daily interactions with others.
I will listen without speaking, judgement or comment. I will give space to what is being said and if I feel a need to inquire, after checking this need (is it responsible or am I looking to control or to make-wrong) I can acknowledge that the person has been heard, ask if I may say something (this gives the person opportunity to be responsible for their reactions to what I might have to say) and I will then share in a non-confrontational or diminishing manner.

Upon reflection, the meaning and fulfillment I derrive from being Responsible for my actions, behaviors and thoughts as well as the meaning and fulfillment I derrive from being in Integrity with myself is very much the same as the meaning and fulfillment I get from my value of Honesty. These three values are the core of who I am. Honesty, Responsibility and Integrity. With all of these values as a foundation for my other values I am able to sustain their existence as well as continue to grow from them and in them. Many of my values sustain or are supported by other values. To this foundation I would add Spirituality. It is my Spirituality that has me so grounded in the other values. Spirituality has me be Responsible, Honest and a person of Integrity. Could these values exist without Spirituality? Yes, but I suspect that I might not find as much meaning from them, or derrive as much Self-Respect and Love, without. Regarding my Spirituality, I believe in the spirit of the individual as well as collective humanity. I don't think that any one religion or faith is right, nor do I believe they are wrong. I believe that "God" is within. I don't really like to call this spirit or energy "God" because of the image it inspires for many and because it seems to suggest a separate being who can "save us" or "deliver us from evil" when I feel strongly that it is Us who must save Us. Each individual is responsible for their own "salvation" of sorts. I also do not believe that salvation includes heavan or hell. But this is all irrelevant. Most importantly my Spirituality is inclusive... so if someone does believe in God and Heavan/Hell... then that is ok and I do not pretend to know better or that they are wrong or flawed in their belief system. I accept that we all have different forms and visins of spirituality. This leads me into the next steps I can take to expand my own spirituality. Now I spend much time reading books that support my personal beliefs. I have read many books including Ekhart Tolle's Power of Now and New Earth. I have read the Road Less Travelled, Buddhism for the Western World and Eat, Pray, Love. My current read is the Essential Dahli Lama. Some of these books touch on Christianity as much as they teach individual responsibility. I don't feel a need to explore Chrisitianity as I was emmersed in Christian based churches from about 3rd or 4th grade until I went away for college. I had my share and I have now evolved my belief system (as described earlier). Next steps I could take would be to read about other world faiths. I think this is what I will do after I am done with the Essential Dalhi Lama. I will go to the library and bookstores to research what I might be interested in looking at next and I will choose a book and read it.

Evolution and Flexibility: I believe that every moment is an opportunity to create something anew. This very second is dead the very moment it occurs! There exists a continual flow~constant evolution. To live in this one must be flexible and open to change. I also feel that to live in this lends to finding balance in any life circumstance. When I get stuck in something (usually a belief or emotion) I can use these values to spur a new paradigm of thinking. Nothing is permanent. This is liberating and empowering.

Balance is not only a state of mind (although I feel it is the most important) but it is also about the physical. When I act in conjunction with all of my other values, balance of mind ensues. To expand my value of balance I can take it to the physical realm. In life I feel that I am pretty aware of keeping balance. When I eat a yummy meal I might eat more than I need but conversely, if the meal is simply a means to an end (eat because I have to) then I will not eat more than my body tells me I need and I may even eat less (to save room for something yummy later! ) If I am to be honest, though, there are many times when I do not keep this balance. With nutrition, with material things... these are all areas I can work on.
Next Steps:
~ when I sit down to a meal, practice Moderation wich, when practiced consistently will lend itself to Balance
~ stay out of the mall when I am feeling mentally out of balance ... an interesting observation. I would never consider myself a "shopaholic". I don't overspend, conversely I will rarely buy things that are not more or less necessities (or justifiable to myself). BUT this does not negate the fact that I have used shopping as a form of self-soothing. Expanding balance would mean finding balance in healthy ways and instead of avoiding the mall or using some other form of escape (read: instead of denying the imbalance) I can look at what is at the trigger of the imbalance. This is where Introspection, Openness (in the form of willingness), Awareness, Honesty, Responsibility and hopefully Wisdom will come into play! Next time I feel mental imbalance I will introspect. I will think of the events leading up to the imbalance, looking back more than just the immediate past. I will also look to the near future (what events are coming up that may be cause for stress or anxiety). Once I see the physical cause I will look deeper to find the emotional cause (what is the root cause~this is not usually the immediate event but rather something from my distant past (likely childhood) that gives the same feeling of insecurity that causes the imbalance.

I could continue this conversation indefinitely. I will stop here on the premise that I believe that this exercise is a work in progress and will never, as long as I am living, be complete. I am complete in that.

A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?

Value collision: being in relationship with someone that I don't trust and who has a proven history of violating my boundaries, lying, using deception, manipulation and blame-shifting; one who has makes empty promises; one who uses pornograpy; an addict. Essentially, being in relationship with this person violates so many of my values on so many levels but at the same time, remaining in the relationship supports many of my values as well.

How do I handle it? The healthy answer is that I look at the long term vision of my life as well as I consider my other values and how they impact on the individual values that appear in contradiciton to one another and as I result I feel that I make a compromise with the firm belief that there is sincere, proactive and responsible work being done from the other end with a shared long term goal. However, if I am to be completely honest, I am not always able to keep this "big picture" vision present for myself and I see that I sometimes choose to suspend the issue for sake of convenience, or I backslide into denial. I also have the experience of being overcome with anger and resentment. I become aware that I am still repressing and in some way incomplete, as I have active and vivid dreams that represent this incompletion and emotional repression. They are disturbing to me and I often experience a form of anxiety the following day or two.
 
B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference)

Trust
Respect (for self and partner. an internal conflict)
Feeling Secure
Honesty (his)
Empowerment
Being a Role Model
Emotional Health and Stability
Balance
Integrity
Feeling Happy and Content
Accepting Responsibilty for Living My Live
Intimacy
Autonomy
Feeling Appreciated
Listening to myself; Intuition
Flexible
Peaceful
 
C. What values, if any, are you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful response, not a prideful one.

Safety ~ the physical safety of my children, myself or my partner
Honesty ~ my own (I cannot control his)

I sometimes feel angry when I consider that I would allow any of my values to be compromised. But this is egoic. I know that when I look at the bigger picture, the future that is possible is worth putting effort into and worth waiting for. I have to keep my reactivity in check. I evaluate and consider what work is being done, the level of commitment, sincerity and proactivity as well as willingness to be responsible and honest. What I am unwilling to do is compromise these values indefinitely. This is an assessment that is ongoing.

A. Make a list of rules that you can use to help define the boundaries of your most important values. Like goals, each rule should be specific and measurable.
 
Trust
Rule #1 I will be honest with myself at all times.
Rule #2 An omission of the truth is the same as a lie.
Rule #3 When someone lies about the smaller details of an event, the natural consequence is that others have the right to assume that they are lying about the main details as well.
Rule #4 When my partner has been untruthful the natural consequence is that my trust for them is diminished. I will take appropriate action as outlined in my personal boundaries.
Rule #5 In a conflict, the most logical explanation will be the one that is accepted, with bizarre or unlikely excuses accepted only when they can be proven.
 
Integrity
Rule #1 I will honor myself as my word
Rule #2 I will behave how I expect others to behave
Rule #3 I will treat others with the same regard as I wish to be treated
Rule #4 I will honor my word as myself
Rule #5 I will conduct myself in a manner that I can be proud and if I fall short of myself I will make amends and recommit
Rule #6 Be the change I wish to see in the world

Responsibility
Rule #1 I will not participate in any interactions that take on a "parent-child" dynamic
Rule #2 I will not deflect responsibilitly for my behaviors
Rule #3 I will not engage in exchanges that are emotionally charged or immature
Rule #4 I will only say yest to and do the things that I choose to say yes to doing
Rule #5 I am accountabe for myself and to myself for my actions, my behavio, my thoughts and my words


B. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

In the past I used threats (empty) and did not have well-defined or healthy boundaries. The first boundary that was violated was done so by myself. Afterward I kept extending my "boundaries" in the sense that I would "give him another chance" to "prove himself". Each time a new promise was made I felt compelled to give him another chance. Each time I gave him another chance it strengthened the bond of betrayal.  


C. Describe a potentially realistic event in your life where having mastered the use of boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.
 
Something happens where my husbands trustworthiness is in question. Having mastered the use of my boundaries will help me maintain my course of not just taking him at his word. I will give myself permssion to not take his word (no matter how logical it may sound). I will give myself permssion to be sad, quiet, upset, withdrawn. Allowing these emotions their due respect will help me to maintain my balance (opposed to squashing them until they explode or implode). Maintaining my boundaries will also send the message to my husband that if he wants to be trustworthy in my eyes that he has to take conscious action (not just words) to gain trustworthiness. By mastering my boundaries I will be honoring myself and showing myself respect, self-nurturing and self-loving.

Event: Son farts in car as we embark on an hour long car ride. Husband rolls down sons window to air him out. Son protests saying that he is concerned his hat will blow away. Husband holds window button so son cannot role it up and keeps it down for a few minutes longer even though son is agitated. I get upset and tell husband to roll up the window. He diminishes his actions saying there is no way the hat is going to blow away as we are only driving 5 kms/hr. I told my husband that I felt that he was dominating and diminishing and not considering son's feelings or concerns. Further diminishment of the situation by husband. I disengage from the conversation and remain quiet for the remainder of the car ride.

Reaction: Feel frustrated, helpless, that son is being dominated, feel situation is not handled with consideration or maturity.

Values involved: Respect; Partnership; Maturity; Security; Role-Modeling

Existing boundaries: We do not have defined shared boundaries. My personal boundaries are to not engage in emotionally charged conversations; I will not participate in emotionally immature exchanges; I will treat others as I wish to be treated; I will have consideration for others feelings; I will behave in a manner worthy of respect.

Effectiveness: minimal as we do not have shared boundaries.

New boundaries needed: We will sit down as partners and create shared boundaries by which we will operate; We will not diminish or dominate another or infringe upon their feelings of security (no matter how insignificant we may deem they are, they are still anothers feelings and deserve respect); We will not make autonomous decisions; If our actions cause visible upset to another we will have consideration for the other person and a conversation will be had so that every party can share their feelings and have thier thoughts considered and a mutual decision can be made as to how similar events will be handled in the future; Parents will act as role models to the children and to each other at all times;

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

1. List five of the most likely major boundary violations that you will face over the next year. How will you recognize them as they are occurring? How will you respond to them if they happened tomorrow?

Depending on which boundary is violated I would have to talk myself down from becoming reactive (especially around relapse and blatant or wanton behaviors that violate safety, trust, respect and responsibilty). Depending on the severity of the behavior, the actions leading up to the violation and wether or not responsibility is taken, I would probably request a sparation to give myself time to arrange my thoughts and to examine my options. I really do not anticipate any major boundary violations over the next year. We are a couple of years into this and he has been to treatment twice, has had six months practice with abstinence and a few months of practicing newly learned life skills such as vulnerability, open and honest communication, responsibility, healthy management of emotions... should any severe violations occur it would be grounds to end the marriage. Example: I catch my husband acting out after having recognized imbalance in his life and asking him to check himself. He has sworn up and down that there is nothing wrong and he is not in danger of relapse. I find out he was in fact lying, covering up, manipulating in order to pursue his addiction. Remorse is shown for having been caught. Excuses given.

2. List five minor boundary violations that you will likely face over the next month. Write out how you will likely respond to each.

1. My son violates my boundary of speaking respectfully. When he violates this boundary I will remind him, ask him to consider the other persons' feelings (usually his sister) and to empathize with that person. If he doesn't get it I will give him an example that he can relate to (ie. "remember when"... or "what if"...). If he does not make amends on his own, I will encourage him to apologize (with sincerity).

2. I find out that h has rec'd email from female who has behaved inappropriately in the past and although he does not perpetuate communication he has not disclosed. This violates transparency. I will give time for him to tell me on his own. If he does not tell me in a reasonable amount of time (ie. we have several opportunities for communication and he says nothing) I will ask him why he hasn't told me. I will remind him thatif he wishes to build trust with me that he needs to tell me when things of this nature occur and that if I find out and he hasn't told me that it will make it less possible for me to learn to trust him.

3. I feel that h is spending more time in "self care" or "self nurturing" activities than in activities to promote the health of the relationship. I will communicate my observation and associated feelings in a clear, open and direct manner.

4. H discloses that he has not been 100% open about certain details pertaining to his addiction. He shares openly and honestly about the violation and takes responsibility for not being honest prior to disclosure. I will listen objectively and then I will thank him for sharing and communicate that I am hurt by the new disclosure which has me feel disappointed and less trusting of him. I will likely need space to process the information and I will request that he respect this. I will also likely want to discuss the issue further at a later time. I am hopeful that I will be understanding and compassionate should this kind of violation occur although I will likely have a sense of incompletion and imbalance for a while.

5. I sense a trend in our sexual intimacy that has me feel taken for granted, not cherished or the threat of being objectified. I will communicate this feeling to my h and tell him directly what has me feel this way and give him an opportunity to respond. We will discuss in an open and responsible manner what can be done to have me feel safe.

3. Over the past six months, you have no doubt violated the boundaries of others (innocently or otherwise). List a few of these and share whether or not you were aware that you were violating their boundaries at the time.

I can be cheeky with people at times and even facetious. I am becoming more aware of this quality I have and monitoring myself to see if I am violating anyone's boundaries. I would liket to think that someone would flat out tell me if this was the case but I know that not everyone feels empowered enough to be fully expressed. The times I have become aware that I may have crossed a boundary are when someone is reactive in return or if they become silent.

As I have completed this exercise in the previous workshop and again when I revisited the ones I needed the most I will simply highlight what is important to me in this lesson. I often experience surges of anger that appear to come out of nowhere. It is helpful for me to remember that I am not my emotions and that if I take a step back from myself, breathe, and look at the bigger picture (of my vision) that my emotions are what actually keep me from realizing my vision.

Notes:

It is changing the perceptions of the behaviors that trigger the emotions experienced... It is understanding how emotions drive behavior, and learning the skills necessary to manage these emotions. It is learning the intricate ways that emotions and perception combine to create the best and the worst experiences of our lives. It is in knowing that when they(I) feel like they(I) can't control their(my) behavior. It is not the same thing as them(me) being unable to control their(my) behavior. That it is merely their(my) own emotions they(I) are(am) facing, not some unstoppable, unidentifiable force.

Science has linked emotions all the way down to the biochemical changes that take place within your brain. And in fact, some people's brains are defective. But the common acceptance that compulsive behavior should be considered a disease, based on its association with physiological processes, is misleading. It may be comforting to hook into such a hypothesis, but there is another possibility that is actually much more likely. Like the development of learning patterns (another process that has been linked to biochemical changes in the brain), the development of emotions actually causes the biochemical changes (rather than emotions being the end result of some biochemical "disease").

Your ability to manage your own emotions will be the single master key to unlocking your own healing process. It will allow you to accurately perceive what you are experiencing and will allow you to make decisions that are based on reality, rather than an emotionally-skewed reality. The ultimate goal in managing your emotions will be to develop the ability to use your values to generate healthy decisions and actions.

One of the most comforting aspects of addiction recovery, is in knowing that when all is said and done, the only thing standing between your partner's compulsive actions and a healthy, value-oriented person are emotions. (And the only thing standing in the way of my living as a healthy and value-oriented person are my emotions)

But it is this reality that makes addiction recovery so simple and available to anyone with the sincere desire to stop. Because the trigger to their destructive patterns only "feels" overwhelming...in reality, it is not. This need to act out, this "extreme urge"...it is a feeling, not a fate. And because it is a feeling, it can be isolated, defined, measured and resolved. All without having the need to act in a destructive manner. All that is required is the time to develop the skills that are involved in managing emotions. Not to oversimplify recovery, there is a whole lot more to learn than simply managing emotions, but this is the key to ending their compulsive behavior.

You are in no immediate danger as a result of experiencing your emotions. The only reason to fear your emotions, is because left unchecked, they can alter your perceptions of reality...and trigger your own irrational responses in an attempt to manage these emotions. Suicide, homicide, divorce, your own destructive behaviors (compulsive overeating and affairs being common)...these are some of the irrational responses to emotional extremes to be aware of. Responses that, while they may temporarily allow you to escape the emotional extremes, they end up causing much more long-term destruction that the temporary relief that they may provide.

Emotional Patterns--Chaos
The other area to be aware of in terms of emotions in recovery, is the common pattern that some couples (most often the partners of those in recovery) find themselves in: that of perpetuating emotional chaos within the relationship. This can most often be seen in situations where there has been an emotional void within the relationship (or lack of intimacy) prior to the discovery of the compulsive behavior. Such a discovery (or ongoing suspicion of such behavior), opened up a window of communication that, while it may be unhealthy, is never-the-less better than the emotional void that was previously experienced within the relationship.

(This was true of me when I would discover, yet again, that my partner was still lying, deceiving, covering up etc. It gave me a false sense of control over the situation and a false sense of security when an apology and recommitment to the relationship was given~ this was all insincere and in vain but for the duration of the "ignorant years" it worked for both of us)
 
When this pattern of emotionally extreme communication (e.g. yelling, confronting, accusing, challenging, controlling, obsessing, threatening, etc.) continues over several months or more...it becomes more of an expectation within the relationship, rather than a reaction to the initial crisis. So much so that, when such extreme emotions are not being experienced...the relationship (and the recovery/healing processes) feels as if it has stalled (again, usually by the partner). It is the emotional extremes that have become the standard way for partners to measure the progress of their relationships. When they are emotional, they are progressing. When they are calm, they are stalled.

(This is what I have to be aware of... ensure that my need for "more" isn't driven by emotional extremes or that I don't cause emotional extremes, within myself or the relationship, driven by my need for "more/better/different" or for some other validation or evidence that we are progressing)

Why this pattern is unhealthy, other than the obvious...is several. One, a healthy relationship cannot be sustained under such unstable conditions. It can be controlled, manipulated, forced...but not sustained in a healthy way. Second, such chaotic instability will tend to undermine your partner's sincere recovery process, as they too are attempting to stabilize their lives and part of that stability comes from the relationships that they are involved in. Third, and most importantly, it will keep you from experiencing peace and serenity within your own life. (True that!)

As I have previously completed this lesson and do not feel any amendments need to be made, I will simply post some highlights.


"Until you regain balance and stability over your own life, your own future...you will remain vulnerable to both the unpredictable behavior of others and the consequences of that behavior. By regaining balance, you allow yourself the opportunity to regain control over the influence that others can have on you. Of course, you can never achieve complete control, but you can gain enough to live an empowered, fulfilling, stable life. One that will not be devastatingly vulnerable to another's addiction. When you are in a long-term, committed relationship, achieving individual control is much easier said than done. Any time that you are in a relationship with another person, that person's behavior will affect you. That is one of the benefits of being in such a relationship--having the opportunity to share your life with another person. To allow yourself to depend on that person and for they to depend on you. So the goal here is not to isolate yourself from the influence of others but rather, to gain enough balance and stability through the pursuit of your own goals and values that such influences are kept within your control. A perspective that will allow neither the negative behaviors (e.g. affairs, pornography, divorce), nor the positive ones (e.g. "falling in love") to overwhelm your life and/or sacrifice your values.
Information is not something to fear; ignorance is. Preparation and diligence--the attributes required to successfully make this plan--are attributes that promote balance and stability within your life."

1. Take a few minutes to familiarize yourself with the Health Monitoring area of the Partner's Manager.
 
2. Prior to the discovery of your partner's addiction, how did you two monitor each other's relative health relating to fulfillment, stability, balance, etc.

Before identifying my husbands behavior as addiction I do not think that we consciously monitored each other's relative health. I was aware of times when he'd be absent and non-participating in life (distant, avoidant, withdrawn). I think that he monitored my health by assuming that if he pretended that everything was fine, and if I was buying it then all was well. I took on his reality as being what is so... so for instance, if he said I was behaving inappropriately I allowed his word, rather than my values to dictate my reality ~so much of the time I absorbed the problems in our relationship (he would disagree as I often put up an outward fight~it was internally that I had this struggle)
 
3. What objective signs would you look for in identifying when your life is not being managed well?

If I am depressed
I am scatter-brained, have trouble staying on task
I act out of alignment with my values
I neglect my values
I feel compulsive (histroically with food, with checking, restelessness)
I feel like running away
I can't sleep
I am irritable much of the time and not able to identify the cause
I lack objectivity
I do not take responsibility for myself or my actions and behaviors (ie. act in frustration with my kids because we are running late when I am the adult and it is really me who is responsible for keeping schedule)
 
4. What objective signs would you look for in identifying when your partner's life is not being managed well?

His emotions are out of balance.
He is out of communication.
He is out of action.
He is not being responsible for himself.
He is looking for reasons to spend time alone.
He is emotionally distant.
He is behaving selfishly.
He is not present.
He deflects, minimizes, invalidates etc.
He is behaving compulsively.
He is eating poorly.

1. Did I take full responsibility for managing my own life today?

2. Did I engage in any behavior that was in direct conflict with my vision?

3. Were any of my boundaries violated today? If so, did I act to protect them?

3a. If not, why not?

4. Did I take time today just for myself (to nurture relaxation, creativity, independence, spirituality etc.)

4a. If not, how many days has it been since I have?

5. Did I derive meaning from at least three areas of my life today?

6. Was I present in most areas of my life today?

7. Did I connect with each of my children today? If not, how many days has it been since I have?


I have printed off these questions along with my vision and my list of values and boundaries to keep in my bedside table. I don't have any fancy gadgets (pda, blackberry, ianything etc.) so I will monitor the good old fashioned way!

Question #1
"Over the past seven days, where did the majority of my meaning and fulfillment come from?"

Question #2
"Over the past seven days, were there any major drains on my time, energy or emotion?"
 
Question#3
"Given the meaning that was added to my life this week (Q1) and the events that drained my life (Q2): how well did I do with managing it all?"

Question #4
"Is there anything that I need to anticipate and/or prepare for over the next seven days that will facilitate the effectiveness of my life management skills?"

Question #5
"Over the past seven days, did I manage my time effectively? If not, do I recognize the cause and what I can do differently next week?

Question #6
"Am I satisfied with my level of accomplishment/productivity over the past seven days?"

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Exercise Twenty-Eight
A) Make a list of objective signs that you would recognize in yourself that would indicate that you are not living a healthy, balanced life
 
B) Taking your partner's current mindset, what areas (listed above) do you feel that he might be faking/holding back on? What areas do you think he is really putting forth a sincere, adequate effort?

It is apparent that his recovery is behavior based. When I bring up concerns he uses words to tell me how sincere he is and these words absolutely stem from emotional reactions and therefor are not reliable for monitoring health. Also, he brings up his abstinence and recently his "disclosure". In the back of my mind I believe that he has made "calculated risks" in being open and vulnerable and attempts to have me feel his "sincerity" with the aformentioned "evidence" of this "sincerity". When I look at his pursuit to health, I see that he is not pursuing true intimacy on a consistent basis and tends to busy himself with other things (projects around the house, reading, "self-nurturing" ~as he learned is 'healthy" when he was in the treatment center which I agree but it is not healthy when he is neglecting other areas that would promote his healthy recovery such as pursuit of intimacy, willingness to take responsiblity for his recovery and his life (still minimized, deflects, blames, blame-shifts, procrastinates, makes other things a priority over recovery) and he doesn't appear to be generalizing what he is learning in recovery to other areas of his life... he doesn't seem to be actively applying his values to his life either~not as he has described in his vision and values exercise at any rate (he'd argue that he is applying his values). I can't say that he offers open, transparent and spontaeous communication (in terms of his health~communication seems to be on an "as needed" basis but he is open to taling about what movie is coming out or what basketball player is being traded to what team...)
I also feel he is holding back on really doing the lessons... he is systematically doing them but it doesn't appear that he is successfully ingraining the lessons into his core identity. It seems more like he is checking off a grocery list.

He has had moments where he made an effort to connect with me on an intimate level (looking me in the eyes when he speaks to me, spontaneously showing me non-sexual affection)

C) Looking six months down the road and assuming that your partner transitions to a healthy life, what objective signs would you look for that might indicate that he is starting to struggle with sustaining a healthy, balanced life?

~he no longer looks for opportunities to develop his values (settling with "good enough")
~when I voice concerns he gets angry and defensive, deflects, makes excuses
~his focus is behavior associated to addiciton rather than in pursuit of healthy value based living (ie. when I voice concerns he says "have I acted out?")
~he begins to withdraw/avoid me, beign busy "doing" away from family/home/relationship
~he begins to show signs of subtle behaviors
~he grows irritable and emotionally unbalanced
~he is aloof, distant and/or vague
~he has become "not responsible"
~he self-pities