Recovery Nation

Ten core values

Compassion
Focus
Generosity
Committment
Honesty
Working hard
Organized life
Peacefulness
Intelligence
Freely sharing ideas


Ten core values

Compassion
Try to understand how difficult it is for H to tell me things. To understand that, even though I would like a more honest relationship, that he is not yet ready to be vulnerable

Focus
Put my mind into my life and my work

Generosity
Give him the benefit of doubt

Commitment-
Make a time and prepare for honesty to happen 

Honesty- I need to let him know when I am feeling down

Working hard
I need to keep working, even when my relationship is in crisis. Don't let it stand in the way of my life

Organized life
So that my time is not wasted

Peacefulness
So we can feel the best parts of our minds

Intelligence
This gets cloudy when I am overwhelmed. 

Freely sharing ideas
Missing laughing, feeling free to be myself, expressing opinions

C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar? They should be. In fact, they should be practically identical--with your vision serving as a narrative for the list you have here. If they are not, change whichever is inconsistent with the life that you want to lead. Your vision must be forged from your core values or you will continue to struggle with imbalance and chaos.

Compassion
Try to understand how difficult it is for H to tell me things. To understand that, even though I would like a more honest relationship, that he is not yet ready to be vulnerable

Focus
Put my mind into my life and my work
Become a better language student. 
Create a successful and sustainable art career 

Protect my sexuality

Generosity
Give him the benefit of doubt

Commitment-
Make a time and prepare for honesty to happen 

Honesty- I need to let him know when I am feeling down
Integrity. 
Let go of secrets

Simple, organized life  
So that my time is not wasted

Meditate
So we can feel the best parts of our minds.

Emotional Intimacy

Exercise
hiking yoga biking dancing

Time management

Intelligence
This gets cloudy when I am overwhelmed. 

Freely sharing ideas
Missing laughing, feeling free to be myself, expressing opinions

Parenting; 
Discipline myself to put aside my problems and focus on enjoying my children

COMPASSION

Currently, I feel like this experience has developed my sense of compassion, compassion for myself, for H, and even for the 3rd parties have been a way of processing my anger and disappointment, and making this crisis meaningful in a spiritual sense.

From Buiddhism, I have learned the importance of compassion. But right now, I have compassion without wisdom, which can run me dry. I would like to further develop my value of compassion, by learning how my compassionate feelings have gotten in the way of my healing and maybe even enabled H to continue in these painful patterns.

To further develop this value:

1. Make a committment to study Buddhist idea of compassion.

2. How to embody a healthy mode of compassion, which allows for forgiveness, without enabling painful behavior.

FOCUS

One of the biggest losses for me has been the loss of time in my life, time I spent recovering from these marital issues. Rather than become a source of strength, my marriage has become a source of pain. Managing this marriage has been time consuming, and has drained me of time and self esteem.

The positive side is that I have been studying strategies for combatting obsessive thinking. These kind of thinking patterns are natural when you are living with unresolved problems. However, I think that my situation may never be resolved successfully. I have learned to respect my thoughts, but now I have some control over them. I find that this is a useful skill.

To further develop this value:

1. I am doing drawing exercises related to PTSD.
2. Find safe places for my thoughts.
3. Setting timers when I feel like dissociating. Noticing what I use to destract myself, limiting them to 10 or 15 minutes.
4. Also setting timers to do things that I have a hard time motivating myself to do, and committing to a short amount of time to do them.

SEXUALITY

Oh, this is a tough one. I feel there is damage here, especially having to rethink the playful part of sexuality. Because H used prostitutes, I am very self conscious about performance. Oral intimidates me, where I used to love to pleasure him this way (I found it arousing), now I have anxiety around it. I have that horrible, objective feeling like I won't measure up. I feel like he found a pleasure with prostitutes that he won't find with me. As much as I know how much I always enjoyed sex with him, there is a sadness and a loss there now for me.

Sex for me, now, really has to be about closeness. I have fears about him fantasizing while making love to me. The idea is such a turn off, so lonely. So, staying in the moment during sex is increasing a certain sensuality for me, bringing meaning to sex life. But, it is a trouble spot.

I understand how important trust is to sex. Right now, H is not capable of honesty, for a number

To further develop this value:

1. Physical affection to H
2. Come to an understanding that these feelings are not permanent, but will fade once I am with a partner who I trust

GENEROSITY

I feel like my mental exhaustion over this nightmare has kept me from extending myself to other people. Also, I have isolated myself a little bit, because I don't want to talk about this with others.

RN has been a place to reach out to others who are earlier in the process than I am. That's been good for me, to feel like this has not been a total waste of time, but that I have some kind of wisdom to reach out to others.

I would like to commit to doing small acts everyday, to help the people around me.
Need to really look at myself, and make sure that my natural sense of generosity is going to areas where I can really make a difference.
Teaching is helping me to see that I have wisdom that I can pass onto others, that I can enrich someone elses life.

COMMITTMENT

I seem to have difficulty setting and keeping goals, especially to myself. I have gone through spurts of improving these things, but the emotional turmoils send me into a tailspin where I lose focus. My marital situation has been a big distraction, as I took it on myself to compensate when I saw the marriage failing. I have lost a lot of time over this.

In the past, I have seemed unwilling to let the marriage go, and have exhausted myself. I let my routines for my life slide.

1. Let the marriage go of it needs to by becoming more detached and neutral.
2. Set up a healthy plan for dealing with emotional crisis.
3. Set up routines in my life that support personal goals, routines that also support a healthy life, with or without my marriage.

Honesty

Honesty is about becoming transparent, myself. I have been accused of protecting my H by managing situations where he might feel bad or embarrassed. I think I need to listen more, and also to get out of a pattern of defensiveness. Being honest, also means being honest with myself, that I am living the life that I believe in.

1. To be clearer about what I value, how to protect it.
2. To get to know myself, don't let myself become hijacked.
3. To really think about whether or not I am telling the truth, or managing the situations. When am I honest, and when do I try myself to minimize the impact of my words.

Integrity

I need to live up to my potential, to take advantage of the gifts and opportunities that are given to me

To really think about whether or not I am living my actual life by what I believe.

1. Become more aware of the decisions I make
2. Be aware of how I use my time
3. Become aware of whether or not I am keeping secrets and hiding things. If I am, understand why, tell someone.
4. Am I being good to others, for their sake, not just mine
5. To end each day with gratitude, and without regret

Simple, organized life-


1.Establish routines which keep things running smoothly
2.Establish a to do system

Meditate

1. Start to repair the parts of my thinking that are damaged
2. Get to know my true self, add more spirit/depth to my life.
3. Find a teacher

Emotional Intimacy

1. Learn to find a safe way to be honest with my emotions

Exercise

1. Start a yoga practice, exercise my whole body
2. Dance

Time management

1. Establish routines
2. Sync calendar with to do list

Intelligence

1. Read more
2. Research artistic ideas
3. Keep up on the news

Parenting

1. Be conscious of their needs
2. Plan fun family activities for weekend
3. Make dinner more of an event
4. Family trips more geared toward the family's needs for play, rest, recreation, rather than on learning and adventure

A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?

Honesty is the big one. I made decisions based on what my H was telling me. He was so buried deep, that I was convinced that the issue was mine and that I was imagining his betrayal. Of course, this was painful, and I felt I was losing not just my mind but my soul. The lack of honesty caused a kind of obsession, also I dissociated from my life. I struggled to be productive, but my mind was being taken over by the suspicion. The truth was buried very deep, so it took an obsession such as mine to discover it.

I really wish it was him coming to me with the truth. This hurts my image of him. As if he is really two men. Because his deception was done with absolute conviction, it makes me think the problem is bigger than it appears. He was willing to destroy the serenity of our home life, to put me at emotional risk, when I had to bare most of the responsibility for the kids. I still can't make sense of it. He SEEMS so loving and honest, yet he is willing not only betray, but then to manipulate the situation to put the blame on others. Can this be the same man I love?



B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference)

My guess is that there is more to come. With each disclosure, the hope of trust becomes weaker, the pain of the disclosure is stronger. How I wish he would sit down and tell it all, past and present, and be honest about what his commitment is for the future. His memory for promises is very short. It seems impossible to see him as a man of integrity without the sense that he would be courageous enough to end this situation. Yet, he let's it drag on, under the illusion that he can still protect the secrets, manage the secret life on his own. He must be in some pain to live his life this way, when he has everything a man could want.



C. What values, if any, are you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful response, not a prideful one.

I love him, and want to see him through this, but his habits are deeply ingrained, and his decision making becomes very strange. He seems to put the things that are most important to himself at risk, without a whole lot of awareness. He seems to give no thought as to the consequences on others, as though saying sorry makes the insult go away. I am unclear as to what the possibilities really are. It seems the consequences of his behavior really fall on me, and that I actually do suffer as a result of his decisions. I am pretty tired of it, as it seems to be affecting me in a sort of traumatic way.

Hi Startap,

You have gone long without feedback... and your commitment seems intermittent of late. Remember that what you get out of the workshop is relative to what you put into it.


This sounds like where you are is dependent on where your husband is? How are you, in face of all of this, distinct from where you husband is?



Distraction is one form of avoidance. You have identified some of the costs (less dynamic, depression, questioning decisions). What is the payoff of your distraction?



Maintaining a certain amount of psychological distance can be healthy, to give him space to recover and you space to heal but this does not appear to be the motive, or the reality. This seems somewhat like more avoidance? The difference would be if he were actively pursuing recovery, which it doesn't seem like he is.



I would only give him the benefit of the doubt if he is doing other things to show that he deserves it. For me this would require transparency, vulnerability, honesty, commitment, observable and measurable actions toward recovery etc.



Brilliant insight!



Addiction creates the need for duality, as a form of self-preservation. The conviction of thier "honesty" is universal. It is all about protecting the addiction and maintaining control and status quo.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Thank you, Coach Mel,

I have taken the slow course for the workshop, partly because I feel as though I became so lost. I was not even aware of how depleted I was.

H has a therapist who is helping him a lot, who I also have regular meetings with. We are not calling it sex addiction in therapy, because he is showing traits of underlying issues, of which sexually acting out was a symptom. He is locked into a pretty rigid self protecting mind set which has in big ways included seeing me as an extension of what he is feeling, rather than as a separate individual. You can imagine how emotionally exhausting that can be.

He is working very hard, and after almost 3 years since D-day, he has been gaining so much wisdom. This weekend was a turning point, where he took a number of opportunities to really listen to me.

My guess is that he hasn't been acting out. He may still involve himself to some degree, in emotionally manipulating lonely women, but the therapist says that he recognizes the issue and how it can impact himself and others. I am not so sure, but I know he is getting there.

I am using a lot of tools in my own wellness, most focusing on professional development, time management, and home organization. I feel like I was disconnected from myself for so long; I had not even really noticed it was happening. My mind was lost to the arguing, the figuring out, the secrets, the mind movies, the recovery. I still frustrate myself trying to "understand" his behavior towards me. Trust was rebroken repeatedly while we were building trust.

Emotionally, I feel longing, but I am mentally freer than I have been for a long time. I understand the fact that you can't base your personal recovery on somebody elses, especially somebody who's reality can be so fantasy based. I recognize, to some extent, when I am being manipulated to take his view or "be wrong". I realize, in that fantasy mode, that my reaction to him is who I am to him. At the same time, I feel all the feelings that a woman feels around her lover, that longing for validation, acceptance, emotional closeness.

Compassion
1. Recognize the difference between compassion and compliance
2. Develop empathy for others
3. Am I helping someone for their sake or for my own self gratification?
4. Put compassion into action, like making a nice dinner, extending kindness to others, offering something without compromising my values
Focus
1. Recognize distraction and avoidance
2. Become aware of when I am distracted; find a system to break out of it
3. Respect the amount of time I have lost; make a strong promise that focusing awareness is a way to get that time back
4. Don't let my focus slip away; live in the present moment
Generosity
1. Be generous as an artist, as a teacher, as a mother
2. Do my best
3. Find ways to give back to my community
Committment
1. Keep my word
2. Keep my word to myself
3. Set goals

Honesty
1. Accept the consequences of being honest
2. Get things out in the open, don't hide anything
3. Don't omit things, tell it all, allow others their reaction

Working hard
1. Related to focus, dont get distracted
2. Recognize and engage my powerful mind
3. Recognize time stealers (the web, others personal needs, self sabotage, avoidance)

Organized life
1. Create systems
2. Use the systems
3. Be conscious when I a don't use the system; ask myself why

Peacefulness
1. Meditate
2. Exercise
3. Get outside
4. Calm breath
5. Good habits
Intelligence
1. Language practice
2. Read
3. Read the news
4. Become an expert at my subject
Freely sharing ideas
1. Make a lunch date once a week with like minded friends
2. Develop as a teacher
3. Make weekend social plans
4. Stop the conversation (or redirect) when it becomes attacking
5. Blog/email

Event: Did H a favor by taking colleague out while he took an important call. When his call ended, he didn't remember where we were, reacted dismissingly and impolitely to me on the phone
Reaction: I was embarrassed, this reaction was taking place while the colleague was standing next to me. I tried to cover up in my response. I also felt lonely and misunderstood, underappreciated. I was doing him a favor in caring for this colleague, and was surprised that he would respond to me with anything but thanks, and could calmly tell me how he had changed his plans. I walked home alone, I felt lonely, really detached from him. Brought up bad memories of our fighting after D-Day, where even when I did something nice for him, he would find fault. Made me feel some despair about our marriage, here was my H who could turn a favor into a slight against himself. Tired of the perception that I am hurting him.
Values Involved: I think it involves compassion. Understanding where each other is. I feel my H has a habit of blaming me when he feels uncomfortable. I can't explain to him in the moment, because his logical mind makes a complete argument about why he is right, which doesn't take into account my point of view. Also, my emotions---feeling abandoned, when we should have been a team---having expectations, that he would have felt some degree of gratitude, also this triggering emotions around being coerced into thinking I did something to hurt him. Also, I felt a certain lack of care by him, and being taken for granted.
Existing Boundaries: My reaction went right to my emotions, which I really am puzzled about how to deal with it. I used to just suck it up, but that made me feel like I was not being treated well, that I could be "strong". But that kind of "strong" really means being compliant, and that kind of "strong", further allowed the boundaries to break down regarding respect. It also put me in the role of fixing everything, coming up with the ideas for change, that didn't really work. I want to come up with a boundary here, but I don't really know how.
Their Effectiveness in Managing this Situation: He eventually came to me and listened to my feelings around it. This was great. Maybe that could happen at an earlier stage, but that makes me dependent on his reaction to me. Perhaps by showing my emotions, rather than stuffing it, sucking up, it invited him to come talk to me. In the past, some therapists have accused me of protecting him when I don't react to him, when I just let things go. In the past, I can see how easy I was to manipulate, even my sense of reality could be bent pretty easily.
New Boundaries Needed: I would like to react less emotionally next time, because it hurts me and wastes so much time. Maybe I could be clear ahead of time about exactly what our evening plans look like. Recognize that he is busy and stressed, keep communication really open, don't make assumptions that seem obvious to me, but may need more clarity on his part. Also, empathize with him feeling left out of a plan, even if he asks me to help out. So, absolute clarity with him about details ahead of time.

Also, something about not allowing myself to be the dumping ground for his emotions, not to let him objectify me as an extension of his emotions, but how?

Event: Walk around the park. Noticing his depression, wanting to reach out to him, but feeling heavily blamed for his emotions. Often, I feel as though his state of mind is reflected in his feelings for me. That he doesnt separate his emotions from me.

He is angry at me for questioning him about a past affair. He was seeming to tell me a story which indicated it wasnt a happy event for him. I asked him why he did it, the discussion did not go well. Unfortunately, it was our anniversary, he took us to a magnificent hotel where I have always wanted to go, we had a tremendous time, except for this.

He won't let it go, and it has cast a shadow over our weekend.

I thought a walk might help with his depression; he told me he felt very cynical about a lot if things, except the kids, but including our marriage. I know this was provocative, and I responded to it, trying to project hope. Again, the discussion went bad, because I mentioned that there was good to be had, and that most marriages wouldn't have survived this. Then he said, why do you have to bring up my affairs (which, is our euphemism for the whole set of behaviors), which, for some reason we are not meant to talk around, and not address as anything other than a difference in opinion.

Reaction: we ended up walking in different directions, sent each other texts that didnt communicate too much. I am feeling shut out, blamed, unrecognized for the love and support I have given him. I feel stuck, like his bad feelings about himself will be mirrored in me, that it is who I am to him. I continued my walk, called some support people, and made arrangements to take my daughter and her friend out tomorrow.

Values involved: compassion? Health? Peacefulness, happiness? I don't know. Of course, I separate myself from what he projects onto me. I made some nice offerings to him today, but it seems the good is unnoticed. I think I mostly feel like I question my hopefulness. And, there is so little gratitude for the work I have done around this in my life.

Existing Boundaries: emotionally separating. Hopefulness, seeing past this into a future where it has meaning. Believing in myself. Understanding that this blame and anger is his projection onto me, often coming after therapy and before a plane flight. That it is not about me, as a faulty human, but his bad feelings projected onto me.

Effectiveness of existing boundaries: I guess I feel very shut out of his life, like he isn't interested in who I am. That he wants to manage me, that I am not mirrored in the person he sees in me. It's very lonely, like a constant punishment. I don't feel protected by my existing boundaries, I feel as I always have, extremely naive and vulnerable. That goodwill and hope are values which have walked me right into a wall of pain. That I have compassion, but no wisdom. That I am easy to manipulate, that I what I believe in and love does not match with the man that I love.

New boundaries Needed: don't engage in hot topics when I sense he is depressed. Remove myself from the situation. Take out my daughter instead of him. Understand that I will be the projected demon in his life until he has processed this. Protect myself. Accept that there may not be reason for hope.

1) Describe the most extreme emotion that you have ever experienced.

I think it may have been at my fathers funeral, when I first saw his body. It was such a punch of reality and grief. I adored him, miss him everyday.

2) Describe the most irrational behavior you have ever engaged in as a result of your emotions.

I slept with an ex the day I moved in with my H (before I was married). I really missed him, was not "over" him, but knew that I had found a great new person in my life, and I would notgo back to him. He was a fabulous lover, he was trying to get me back on his life. But my decision was made, and I still slept with him. I felt awful remorse.

3) If you could go back in time and offer yourself "perfect advice" that would have influenced this irrational behavior...what advice would you offer?
I would say to myself to make a clear rule and stick to it. I broke up with him for good reasons, to look forward, not back. That the price paid would be high, my remorse would be greater than the pleasure. But, I learned so much at that time, through the situation, which protected me from ever messing up that way again.

I am using a lot of tools in my own wellness,

:g: and it sounds like you also maintain a balanced perspective and awareness for your environment (your husband's behaviours) as well, which is important as it indicates you are not simply coasting.

I understand the fact that you can't base your personal recovery on somebody elses



Existing Boundaries: My reaction went right to my emotions, which I really am puzzled about how to deal with it. I used to just suck it up, but that made me feel like I was not being treated well, that I could be "strong". But that kind of "strong" really means being compliant, and that kind of "strong", further allowed the boundaries to break down regarding respect. It also put me in the role of fixing everything, coming up with the ideas for change, that didn't really work. I want to come up with a boundary here, but I don't really know how.

Start by defining what "Strong" means to you. Also, simply continuing to generate and maintain awareness for your automatic roles in situations like this (fixer, compliant etc.) will help you step outside of those roles and in stepping outside of those roles you are in a space of creation where you get to decide what role you will take on, how you will be. Think about what values being compliant and a fixer support, and the values they violate. Think about what values you could honor instead.

New Boundaries Needed: I would like to react less emotionally next time, because it hurts me and wastes so much time. Maybe I could be clear ahead of time about exactly what our evening plans look like. Recognize that he is busy and stressed, keep communication really open, don't make assumptions that seem obvious to me, but may need more clarity on his part. Also, empathize with him feeling left out of a plan, even if he asks me to help out. So, absolute clarity with him about details ahead of time.

Good plan.

Also, something about not allowing myself to be the dumping ground for his emotions, not to let him objectify me as an extension of his emotions, but how?

You won't be able to keep him from dumping on you~that comes from him. What you can do is not allow it to impact who you are~don't take it on! This involves boundaries as well. You can communicate to him that you are not his emotional dumping ground and share a consequence (action you will take) when he does dump on you. You don't need to react emotionally to get his attention. Instead, having a clearly defined and communicated boundary will keep you from the emotional rollercoaster and your consistently taking action to protect your boundaries (by following through) will show him that you are no longer just taking it. Also express that you expect him to clean up his messes with you, and that you will no longer be his fixer.

He won't let it go, and it has cast a shadow over our weekend.

This is an example of the all-or-nothing perspective. It is also indicative of his expectations of you to provide his emotional fulfillment (by making you responsible for things not being perfect).

I feel stuck, like his bad feelings about himself will be mirrored in me, that it is who I am to him.

It may be who you are to him... but who are you to you? You can't do anything about what reflection he sees. His reflection is his own and he will see the same reflection no matter what mirror he looks in! (In other words, it's not you.)

Understanding that this blame and anger is his projection onto me, often coming after therapy and before a plane flight. That it is not about me, as a faulty human, but his bad feelings projected onto me.

Exactly! Why do you think his anger and blame a pattern before a plane flight? How about after his therapy session?

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

I am savoring your words; there is a lot in your words that I know is vital and I am just now ready for it.

defining what "Strong" means to you

Strong as in intellectually, spiritually strong. To be able to separate his emotional acting out from our relationship---especially when he is blaming me for his emotions. I need a lot more awareness and skill, because I get sucked in. He is smart, and unfortunately, deceptive. I am becoming aware of the traumatic impact on my mind. I am trying to train my mind to connect back to itself. I am able to visualize, so more and more, when he gets into these modes of blame and verbal abuse, I can relax my body and focus my mind. Not lose sight of myself, and the separation between us.

Quote:

continuing to generate and maintain awareness for your automatic roles in situations like this (fixer, compliant etc.) will help you step outside of those roles and in stepping outside of those roles you are in a space of creation where you get to decide what role you will take on, how you will be. Think about what values being compliant and a fixer support, and the values they violate. Think about what values you could honor instead.

I think being compliant and a fixer helped to keep our family together but I paid a high price. They lost me, I became someone else. It was a high price to pay.

Being compliant is dishonest in a way. There are times when being compliant is useful, creates harmony. But, I did not hold H accountable to himself. That's where I would lose myself. SA is emotionally charged, not only in the shame he feels and still projects onto me, but in my emotional reactions to the unresolved embarrassment, humiliation, jealousy that I would feel. The deception was also really confusing. He defined me and blamed my emotional state, the emotional state which is common for partners of SA, as the cause of our marital problems. My mind became so corrupted by my emotions, that I believed him. Because I believed he was a good and faithful husband, I exhausted myself trying to fix the problem within me. I thought I had a severe mental disorder, to be so consumed with suspicion about my H, to feel humiliated in front of people who he was actually manipulating and being involved with. He is still not holding himself accountable, so we are in this lingering toxic state.

I can see that this will not be resolved between us until he resolves his feelings of shame within himself. So, I have been doing a lot of self focus and development. I am working on coaching classes, working out physically, attending social events, reorganizing my house so it is pretty, calm, comfortable. Reconnecting with the kids on a more personal level. Lowering stress levels in our home, cooking good food. I love him, and am committed to our marriage. Trying to give him the calmness in our home that he needs for recovery.

There are clearly a lot of skills I am missing, though. Mostly around awareness.





I

This is taking practice and awareness on my own part, not just recognizing when it is happening but stopping myself from taking it on. I have fallen so deep into the caregiver role, trying to make our family more harmonious by doing what I think I can do to harmonize situations. I haven't taken care of myself. He does not seem to have awareness of how his responses impact me, so I need to be quick not to tolerate the responses which are now habitual.

I have to stand my ground on this. The help he is getting is not reaching us in terms of certain levels of awareness on emotional abuse. The boundaries are helping, but it is a slow process.

A. List three or more relationship options that remain available to you.

a. Give up and divorce
Benefits: I feel like I am a part of his emotionally out of control behavior. It would give the kids a chance to see me as I am, and not through the distorted lense. I can see now that there is pressure in the home on the weekends to have things be emotionally his way. Because he has a strong mind, he can convince himself and is even convincing to us, that his view of reality does not have selfish motives. I don't think he recognizes at all his impact on the family, especially not on me. This has led to distortions in our whole family dynamic. Giving up on it, walking away, would end the dynamic, at least as far as his role in my relationship with my children. Also, from my emotional exhaustion from the manipulative arguments, where somehow making me "Wrong" makes him "right". I hate those kind of arguments, and I hate wasting my time on them. Because I love him, and am in love with him, it is hard to remove myself from the impact. I have skills I have acquired to do that, as far as my own relationship with myself, but I have tried so many things to relate to him. I cannot reach him as myself, he continues to view it through his distorted lens of me. It would be a relief not to worry in social situations of behavior that he has no awareness of and is embarrassing to himself and to me. Our marriage has been so ridiculed, so it feels sort of sad to stay. Waiting for him to take responsibility has eroded my feelings for him.

Obstacles: I do love him and believe in his good side. We have a long history together, I want to share my life with someone who remembers the early days. We have children together, I love him as the father of my children. I feel protective of their future, worried about his choices. I would feel like I was giving up on someone that I love. I also really believe the issues can be solved and that he has the ability to do it, but just I am tired of waiting for him to wake up to it.


b. Continue to feel hopeful, believe in him, stick with him through his recovery
Benefits: I do believe in him, I love him, I enjoy him when he is not in the mode of anger, abuse, deception, manipulation that comes with this kind of compulsive behavior. He travels quite a bit, so I have time to right myself if he has been particularly emotionally out of control. We run a family together. There are financial benefits to staying together. Divorce is a long emotional process that I find intimidating. He has the possiblility to take this horror and transform himself, and I believe in his ability to do it.

Obstacles: he is creating damage, ruining family holidays, continuing not to recognize his behavior of manipulating people to feel good about him. I don't want to stick by a man who cannot tell the difference between "sexy" and "creepy" and the possible consequences of that kind of behavior. It hurts me, affects my sexuality and my mental image of the man I love. Also, I am lonely for emotional intimacy with a partner, there are no guarantees.


c. Stay married, live separately
Benefits: For a long time I viewed his out of control emotional state, and his manipulation of others as a mental illness. It might be, but I can now see that he has been lazy about letting this stuff spiral out of control. That he has the ability to see it, but needs to take responsibility, instead of continue to blame and take it out on others. He may never see it. He has had years of therapy which have been helpful, but he has a profound lack of awareness about his impact that his behavior has had on me and the family. Some of the stuff is so horrible, that it could be too shameful for him to ever look at. But, looking at it could also inspire a transformation. I believe in his goodness, but there are no guarantees. I could be playing this waiting game for a long time and have regrets. This would leave our options open for a reconciliation, but give us the benefits that a divorce would bring as far as having a break from the disfunctional dynamic.

Obstacles. I do really love him, I would miss him, and I would want the family to be together, even though we have our struggles.

D. Select the one option from exercise A that you feel yourself leaning towards (or have already selected). Why do you think this is/might be the best option for you? What would be your second option?

I am not at the point where I can chose which option. I see him working hard on himself, he has a great counselor, and he has made significant changes. But, I still feel that he is dishonest and takes a cowardly way out (like blaming, or ruining a day with resentment, or manipulating). I feel now that I know the better man in him, I know he can make the changes to improve his life, but he defaults to this blame and anger. Therapist calls it pride, but it feels like selfishness to me. To be willing to throw a wrench into my life, because he has issues---- come on!! I want to scream, "Buck up!!!" He really does know better than to treat people who love him this way.

As for me, my life is moving forward. There are quiet moments at night when I adore him, and feel those nice feelings of love. I have learned to separate my issues from his, I am developing friendships, my own life and career. I still feel triggers but my obsessive thinking is not as intense, I have been reconnected with my mind ( it feels like heaven, to have this back!) What I am concerned about has to do with him not recognizing behavior, and the limits that puts on my life (in other words, I would like to spend some time mentoring more vulnerable young woman, but feel like I need to "protect" them because of H's lack of awareness). Also, he has no awareness of the impact porn has had on his mind. Things like that, where I can mentally separate, but there are practical issues that I don't want to deal with. Plus, I have been missing the opportunity to have a healthy sex life.

So, I am taking a wait and see approach.

E. What options do you believe are realistically available to your partner? Which do you think he/she would choose?

He says he will not leave the marriage, that he will take care of his family responsibilities no matter what. But, honestly, this painful period has dragged on for so long without him stepping up. He has resolved many things, like his relationship with the kids (that's been really wonderful), but there is no intimacy between us. I have been held out as the bad guy, he has no sense of my achievements and failures. I think he must be craving closeness, as am I.

Our therapist just read him the riot act about his frustration with my H lack of awareness. It seems to have hit him, but who knows. It may be chronic, in which case it is hard to know, even with all the love between us, how we could sustain this relationship.

My hope is that the skills we learn from this experience will give us a better future, whether or not the marriage survives. I never thought my marriage would be at risk. I love him, and see this as a tragedy on the one hand. On the other, the worst is behind us and it is up to our own will to create a better future.