Recovery Nation

I really appreciate your bluntness. But I also wonder if perhaps I haven't made some things clear and I an confused about some of the things you said. The is obviously a paragraph of importance for me, and I'd like to make sure everything is clear.

The thing I feel I didn't make clear is that this ID photo he took is not super recent. He took it in in August. Had he taken it yesterday, then I would say yes, absolutely, he is not recovering. I'm not entirely sure I know what this picture is all about (although your stalking explanation makes a lot of sense, especially after reading “He Danced Alone”), but I do know that it is not innocent. I do know that when he took it he was not recovering.

A quick timeline:
-May 2009 J admits (after being caught, of course) to using P and M frequently. We “started” working on stuff here on RN, but very quickly dropped the ball in favor of abstinence/other forms of self-help for me (still difficult, but I think now, misguided)/avoiding all the hard work of building values for him.
-Without being caught, he admits to two P slips in the month that follows.
-Other than that I have very little reason to believe that he did not abstain for the next year and a half (i.e. I found two things that may have been slips, but may also have been total coincidence. One drawback to my free methods of policing J's behavior being that I can never be sure who ran a certain search on his Google account or if it was perhaps just a cat who moved the carefully hidden hair I booby-trapped a porn stash that I, in my own unhealthy obsession, had hidden for “reference”).
-December 2010 he starts looking at and downloading P again. (I have his discs. I know that the earliest downloads on them are from then. Though it is true, he may have been looking before that.) I find signs during the year that follows, but nothing conclusive until...
-December 6th, 2011. D-Day part two.
-Since then I have not found anything to suggest that he is still using.

(However, I realize that I spent a year in ignorance of his very frequent use, so I do not think that me not finding anything is at all conclusive. If I had/do find anything I will know that he is not abstaining. Not finding simply means not knowing, in this case. I will also say that my own policing behaviors have slackened. I still want to snoop through everything for hours a day, but I think that has become a compulsion for me, so I am fighting it. I'm not so naïve as to think that I can trust his words, though, so I do spot check things here and there, but in order to try to take care of my own psyche I try not to do it when I am feeling compelled. Rather I do it when I'd rather be doing something else, and I limit it to short sessions instead of combing through every bank account transaction and every email, etc. I treat it more like a chore and get it over with. I'm trying to walk the line between naïvely looking the other way in denial, and focusing too much of my energy on controlling him rather than healing me.)

The workshop tells us in the beginning that our partners are very unlikely to honestly admit to everything right away. I think that may be what happening here. I think he admitted to what was found, and has not yet gotten far enough in his own recovery to come clean with the rest. Considering that stalking would be so far from the behaviors he's admitted to, I even think he might not be ready yet to even admit to himself that his behavior has degenerated to that extent. I know that is the optimistic view of it, and I am not at all trusting that that is the reality, but it seems like a viable possibility. Am I just completely delusional here?

Also, you stated that “this is neither early in the process.” How so? If he didn't make any headway in healthy recovery last time (and I don't think that he did because “abstinence is not recovery”), then isn't this pretty early? I'm asking honestly. I often feel very impatient with him, like “Damnit, it's been over three weeks! Why aren't you at the admission stage yet? Why are you only on lesson 4?” But I honestly don't know what to expect of him. I vacillate from thinking he should be in that uber-motivated stage and flying through things to thinking that it's better to do the lessons as slowly and carefully as you need to in order to get the most out of them.



I'm sorry, but I pretty much didn't understand this sentence at all. If it doesn't offer what he is looking for, what is it? What do you mean?



Thank you for this. I have been feeling very uncompromising in my own values lately, and I wasn't sure if this was good or not. Questioning if maybe it wasn't unfair to expect a healthy red-blooded American man, as it were, to NOT lust after anyone but me... So many times I've heard people (not J, just people on TV, in day-to-day life, in reading, etc.) talk about porn as if it is just a totally normal and healthy thing for men to want, and that ALL men use it, regardless of how much their partners might not want them to.



I guess the number watching thing doesn't bother me, because I am pretty proud of being “quirky.” I also don't think it hurts me, unless I start obsessing on it. But I'll try to be extra aware of it to make sure it doesn't cause harm. And today I'll resolve to go a week without doing it just to see how I feel.

As for hand-washing, I'll clarify that I don't think I wash my hands any more than is normal (probably less, honestly, as I don't wash them after using the restroom, unless I'm at work where I'm required by health code). I wash them if they are dirty. I work with cash, so when I finish counting out my $800 at the start and end of every shift, I wash them. If I clean litter boxes or get muddy I wash them. The only exception is the whole heat factor. If my hands sweat or if I have lotion or anything else that leaves a residue, I do feel kinda “icky.” My worry is that I am currently in school to become a Veterinary Technician. Once that is my job, I will HAVE to wash my hands a lot. Should I be worried about this? I don't think so, but I'm not the most objective source. Anyone?

I've never thought it was significant enough to address in therapy, but maybe it's farther from the healthy norm than I thought.

I realized after typing that lesson that I have one very valid compulsive behavior that does cause significant discomfort if I don't engage: the policing. I was actually going to rewrite that exercise based on that. I'll go back and revisit a few different exercises as I have time and epiphanies.



I let him back into bed a few days ago. I admit, it was because I felt needy. He is my best friend, and I am going through a lot right now. My grandfather passed away suddenly on December 11th, which has hurt so much more than I ever thought it would. This loss has spurred my alcoholic mother to return to drinking, and she was just finally starting to put some weight back on and move toward a healthier lifestyle after I staged a one-woman “intervention” in March. Our kid's biological mother recently took custody of them (we still get to see them, though). My finances hit a rather large bump at about that time as well. My job sucks (it's funny, but as I learn more and more about putting myself first, I have been more and more tempted to tell my boss that no, I will not give up this and that just for her convenience). And, of course, there's the holidays and all that they entail. We've been taking the where to sleep thing day by day though, so I think when he asks me today where to lay down I probably will give myself some space.

As for support IRL, I'll see what I can do. I have a history of people rejecting my friendship when I get too needy. I realize that this is more a problem of me choosing the wrong friends than anything, but since losing my closest friends to this I haven't really found anyone “safe” since. But I know that I can't depend on J to be my best friend through this issue, and I will try to find something.

I will definitely read up on the love addiction stuff. I don't feel like I was a part of his addiction, like our relationship was just another case of acting out, but I will keep my mind open.

Thank you again for all the feedback. It is invaluable when stumbling down this path.

You are correct that you not finding anything is not at all conclusive--it really isn't. The fact that he went from "only porn and m/b" to saving images and other info on discs is a pretty good indicator that he was not only not abstaining, but that he most likely took his addiction further underground.


It is possible that he is not ready to admit it, or he may not have a rational perspective regarding it. Either way, this indicates that you have a long road ahead of you. I don't think you are delusional...my concern was that you may not have a clear view of what you are dealing with.

Regarding that he did not make headway last time, dropped the ball quickly, and consequently you see this as early recovery... it is really up to you how you choose to see this. 3 weeks is not a long time, but it's not like he has absolutely no awareness or knowledge; it's not like he starting from nothing. Speaking from my own experience, and from what I have learned, it is very easy to tell yourself that "this time he gets it" and to continue to make concessions for him with every new discovery. Again, these are things you want to be aware of, and maintain that awareness. You are the only one who gets to determine what your boundaries are.

Regarding his motivation: that each start has been initiated by getting caught is not a good prospect for his recovery. But, instead of focusing on him, and where he is, it is best to focus on you. Keep an awareness for his progress, or lack thereof, but don't rest the fate of your life on what he is or isn't doing--not that you are, but partners do tend to put their lives on hold in early healing, to their own detriment. Taking the focus off of him and putting it on your healing will help you through this volatile and uncertain time.
re: It's "really difficult" because it is not within the scope of immediate gratification and it does not offer the kind of emotional stimulation he is looking for.

Addiction is a means of regulating one's emotions, of self-soothing. The effects of acting out are immediate. Healthy people receive stimulation from a system of values driven actions and behaviours that do not always provide immediate stimulation. ie. raising healthy children one has to wait to see what kind of adults their children become to see the long term results, although there are immediate results in the values based day to day interactions; eating at home, forgoing the immediate gratification of eating at a restaurant, in order to save for something in the future like buying a house, or going on vacation. Addicts can do these things, but often daily stressors complie such that they do not know how to work through them effectively, and acting out offers immediate relief, whereas, a healthy person will have healthy perspective and strategies for dealing with emotional discomfort. So, recovery can be seen as a health based activity that will provide long term benefits, but for an addict facing an urge that they percieve as overwhelming, they habitually turn to the action that offers immediate relief, without consideration of the long term consequences.

Regarding your handwashing, now that you have shed more light on it, I doesn't seem an issue. Since you used it as an example for compulsive behaviour, and you described it so well, I was intially concerned.


Good call.

Any time you ask for feedback from "anyone" you might want to post it in the community forum, as that is where community members will respond. Your healing thread is for you, and for coaches/mentors to respond upon occassion.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Lesson 6: The Sexualized Mind

I'm doing this out of order, but I think that will help me think through it.

A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.

I read the whole thing. It was really painful, but also enlightening. I think the most powerful insights were when he was stalking Kim and thinking back to his previous frostbite from spending hours in the cold and sprained ankles from jumping from a tree, but he still stayed outside trying to see a glimpse of her. That made an impression that this isn't a matter of having his cake and eating it too. That acting out isn't about having fun and getting off. M/B in -35 degree temps? Probably not pleasant.

The other insight was when he was in the hospital and telling his doctor that he didn't steal, and thinking to himself that he did steal panties regularly, so he was lying, but why didn't he feel like he was lying...? I guess I have quite a bit of trust for Jon, and if he says that's how it is, I'm more apt to believe him than I am to believe my partner right now. Maybe J does feel like his lies aren't lies. Only time will tell if he is ever willing/able to make that distinction.


C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?

All or Nothing Perception: I will start this one by saying that I definitely exhibit this trait myself as well. The most recent examples I can think of of J doing this happened on Xmas eve. We were fighting about general crap, and he shouted (at least) two all-or-nothing things at me.

The first was, "I wanna be able to play video games without getting screamed at." Yes, I do attempt to limit the amount of time he spends playing video games, and I don't appreciate it when he ignores me in favor of games. But, he plays Warcraft enough to have several characters at very high levels and probably another dozen lower level characters. He was also, with my permission, one of the first people to preorder the new Star Wars MMPORPG. And that very morning he had texted me to tell me he was taking a break from working on recovery to play Minecraft at work. My reply was simply, "Okay." So I know that it is not as if he is never allowed to play video games.

I wonder if his desire to play video games for 4-8 or more hours a day is another example of the all of nothing...? He tends to become completely absorbed/obsessed with whatever his obsession of the day is. But that might just be more of the obsession/addiction. Maybe the two are a sort of feedback loop. He gives all or nothing to feeding his addictions, and feels like he gets all or nothing back. No sense of moderation.

The second thing was something about how I "always" go out with my friends. I'm not saying that I never go out without J, but I don't do it much (as a matter of fact, I think I should try to do it more, not less). I mean, maybe once every 2 or 3 months I will have breakfast with a friend of mine. In the last year I have got out dancing with this same friend perhaps 3 times... maybe. J doesn't do anything to prevent my going out, but it is strange that such an uncommon occurrence warrants the designation of "always."

Just typing this has helped me see how skewed my partner's perceptions are, and how skewed mine have become as well. I keep thinking to myself that it's not fair of me to not let J play video games enough, especially since he never tried to stop me from going out. But, it seems now like the reality is, if anything, tilted in the other direction. If I had as much "me time" as he has game time, well, I'd have a lot more me time than I currently do. I also see that it is largely my own fault for not taking more me time.


Immediate Gratification: Um. Yeah. He is all about the immediate gratification. Going shopping with him is almost as bad as shopping with the kids. He wants soda and action figures, kittens and new cars. I'm totally opposite (I will buy myself a special treat and it will literally rot in my fridge because I know that if I eat it I wont have it to eat anymore.), and I actually think he has helped me in many ways with that. Without his influence, I would probably never do anything without advanced planning. But without my influence he would spend every dime on impulse and have nothing.

He also needs constant stimulation. If I'm not paying attention to him, he will find a million reasons to interrupt what I'm doing. Unless he is playing video games, or watching TV, or otherwise being stimulated. He cannot handle boredom.

If his current moment isn't fun, he pouts through it, not even seeming to really understand that if he does dishes now, that means that we'll have time to watch a movie later. Etc.

He's gotten better about some delayed-gratification stuff. He's learned to bake, for one thing. There are others, but it just seems silly to go on about the specifics. I just think now that these delayed-gratification skills are probably just another part of his mask.


Sexualization: This one is oddly difficult for me to think of. I mean, from what I'm reading, it should be a very prevalent part of my life with him. I actually asked him about it, and he replied, "That's because I respect boundaries and I'm not rude." So, maybe (probably?), he really is walking around sexualizing everything, but not expressing it. I'm glad that it's a rare occasion when he gropes me without me actually verbally inviting it, or that I can kiss him without him trying to turn it sexual. This is one way that I haven't been undermined. At least I don't feel like sex is all I'm good for.

One way that I have seem him sexualize things is in his perception of my behaviors. When I lost my libido, he couldn't grasp that it went away. Instead, he assumed that I was cheating on him. From his perspective, it wasn't possible for me to not want sex. It was just possible for me to not want sex from him.

There are other things that have come out since D-Day that show how different our perceptions of my behavior are. For example, he expressed that he felt cheated ("false advertising" was the term he used) because when we first started dating I confessed that I generally preferred not to wear clothes when home alone. From my perspective, I did used to spend most of my alone time naked, or nearly so. As a little kid, I was one of those who would take off my clothes whenever no one was paying attention. It didn't seem any more inappropriate to do so as an adult in the privacy of my own home. I lived with no one but my cats, and at the time I was very comfortable in my own skin. It wasn't a sexual thing. For instance, I noticed that working out in clothes was restrictive, and since I couldn't justify buying a bunch of workout clothes, I usually just did it without clothes. From there, I just never thought much about watching TV naked, or doing chores naked. To me it was just being more physically comfortable, to him it was some erotic fantasy (but I do get that it was not a huge stretch to turn that into a sexy idea, and that was probably even part of why I admitted to it). Now he feels misled because I don't parade around the house naked, but I know that I don't do that anymore because if he is home, then I am not home alone. (I think the conversation was, from my perspective, probably more about why I needed time totally alone and how there were things that I would never feel as comfortable doing if anyone else was there, even him. Telling him I need naked time was probably less embarrassing than saying that I wanted to pick my nose, cry while watching Animal Planet, and dance around to New Kids on the Block.)

He also recently mentioned that I once told him that one of my exes and I used to watch porn together and get sexual. I have NEVER done this, and since I know I am not at all okay with porn in the context of a monogamous relationship, I am certain I would NEVER have said anything that could imply that I was okay with that. When probed further, he finally stated that what I actually said was something like "he and I used to throw on movies and do stuff while we watched them." And, yes, that is true. The ex he named and I did often put on movies (such as Bela Lugosi films, cartoons we had grown up on, and The Muppet Movie) and proceed to play cards or clean the living room. There was another possible context, wherein one of my other exes and I used to go about our daily business even while his brother was watching P in the living room (weird, I know, but I wasn't the one who picked the movies). I wasn't super comfortable with that in the background, but I was a guest in their house, and since the ex never seemed into it, I didn't object. But I am also not sure I ever told J about that, and he admitted that he probably just assumed the "movies" were dirty.


Objectification: Another hard one. Coach Mel mentioned that I was being objectified, but I don't feel that way. This is quite possibly a denial thing, and I guess I can only keep an open mind to it, and see if I ever see it that way.

But objectifying others... I'm starting to see that. But I also know that I am apt to be hypersensitive to that sort of thing since D-Day. I actually see him objectifying others primarily in that he is so willfully ignorant of their obvious objectification. Looking at the mainstream-ish P he was(?) using, I see so much objectification. I mean, how can you see a woman doing those explicit and submissive things in front of a camera for the enjoyment of strangers and not think that it lacks dignity? How can you not feel a little bad for them and wonder what sort of crap in their lives drove them to this point... doing such intimate things without any intimacy? But he insists that they are not objectified and even told me the other day, "well, I assume they must like their jobs." Wow. Really? Would you not find it uncomfortable to have someone filming you getting a "sexy" rectal exam and broadcasting it to anyone who found the right link? Would you feel okay if the pictures we've taken of each other somehow became public? Or if that was our daughter "enjoying her job"?


B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

I feel like I already answered that above.

Perhaps another thing is how intimate and intense sex with him has always been... but I'm not too sure that that is a problem. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I have honestly never felt objectified when he and I make love. Even if we are doing adventurous things. Even when we took pictures, I felt beautiful and loved and sexy and confident and encouraged... I didn't feel like a porn star, I felt like his lover. But this might be more of a Love addiction thing than the Sex addiction. I don't know yet.

My point is that maybe if his mind is so sexualized then maybe he is only 100% present during sexual activities. Maybe that's why they are so intense.

Honestly, right now I am tired of thinking about him and his health and his addiction. I keep thinking that if I'm supposed to focus on me, why do so many of these exercises ask me to contemplate him? I'm trying to trust that it's part of the process.

A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:

I. Effective communication

I have done my very best. But J feels that I am not "safe" to talk to. I understand. I am highly emotional, and even if I manage to shut up, it is hard for me to keep my facial expressions and body language encouraging. He says this is why he isn't talking to me as much as I would like, but I fear that he is using that as an excuse to shelter his addiction. It is the hardest issue for us right now. I am trying to step back and let him come to me, but I am also trying to encourage him to open up. I can only hope that time will make this clearer.

I'd love for him to find someone else to talk to, but I don't think there is anyone else he would comfortable revealing this to. We don't go to church, so there's no pastor. His family is emotionally distant and very pro-porn, so they wouldn't help. And he has no friendships of any depth. He's spent the last 20 years avoiding depth.


II. Managing your partner's recovery

Another area where I need to improve. And by improve, I mean back off. So far, I have expressed my pleasure when I do see evidence of his efforts and I have tried to point out his good qualities/assets/successes. But I have also gotten scared and hurt when I don't see effort, or when I'm not sure, and I have expressed that as well. He says I am making him feel like nothing is ever good enough. Maybe that is the truth, but maybe it's another way for him to shelter his addiction.

I've also asked him over and over how he's doing with recovery. What sort of progress he's making. What he's learning. As difficult as it is to not cling to his recovery for a feeling of safety, I doubt it's helping either of us.

I have largely stopped the computer monitoring and snooping. The only reason I didn't stop altogether was because I felt like that might be inviting more deception. I think stopping would take some of the pressure off of me and allow me more time to focus on my recovery and to have fun and relax. Stopping may cause me discomfort. I'll try it and monitor how I feel.

III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health

Um. I'm not sure how to even go about this. I'm not making any appointments for him (not that he's got anyone to make appointments with). I'm not making excuses for him. I'm doing my best to not keep initiating all of our conversations about recovery, to let him make the first move. He says I am being discouraging because I am so doubtful of his efforts, but I don't want to lie to him and say that I believe he is trying, when really I'm not so sure.


B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?

Yes, I think he is giving me as much (or more) support than I am giving him. (Sadly, the reason I am not giving him more support than I am is that he is not giving me anything to support. I can't effectively praise him when he is so closed off about what he is working on. I'd love to offer focus and attention to him in his recovery, but it's like saving the mountain gorillas; I can only send help over a vast distance and hope that it does some good.) But, yes, aside from occasionally monopolizing my time by starting conversations wherein he ends up saying almost nothing, he has done nothing to discourage me from pursuing my own healing.


C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?

I don't know. I'm so so so confused.

I have suggested a temporary separation so that he can work on his stuff without being afraid of my reactions and I can work on mine without having to worry as much about him. And also so that my anger and hurt and confusion don't trip him up when he is already struggling. But he says that he doesn't have anywhere else to go or anyone else to talk to, and that is true. I don't feel like he's trying to manipulate me into staying in a bad situation. I think he is being honest when he says he would still try to recover without me, but that he has no other source of support. No other sounding board. Still, if that is the case, I wish he would utilize my help more/at all.

My gut says that he is trying. He's nowhere near as far along in recovery as I would like, nowhere near as self-aware as he needs to be to make me feel secure that he will make it. But I feel like he is trying. Logically, I have no conclusive evidence to back this gut feeling, and I am getting impatient. I hate this being in limbo.

But I am still here because I love him. I believe that he CAN recover and that if he does he will be a wonderful man. I want to make this journey with him. I want to get to know him, all of him. In many ways he is the most amazing person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, and I want to get to enjoy him when he is healthy. And because after 6 years, even though I often doubt the truth of those years, I am invested. We have kids, pets, a house, a shared history. He knows me better than anyone, and since starting recovery he has been gradually becoming more and more supportive of me. I only wish he would allow me the same chance to be supportive of his feelings and thoughts and struggles. I wish he would talk to me.

But the real question is "What can I do?" I can keep trying to stand back and observe. I can keep trying to work on healing me. I can forgive myself for not forgiving him. And I can forgive myself for needing him sometimes... for needing hugs and love. I can try to be a role-model of emotional health. I can do my best to keep my anger quiet. I can keep my mouth shut about all the doubts I'm having about his sincerity in recovery, and all the lies I'm sure he's still telling me. I can wait for the truth (maybe that will be him having a catharsis and finally being totally honest with me... maybe it will simply be that it will become obvious to me that he is not really recovering). I can set communication rules with him, such as stepping away for ten minutes at either partner's request. I can try to focus more on the positive, and to not spend every spare moment focused on recovery/healing.

But I also need to remember what I cannot do, what I can't keep blaming myself for not being able to do. I cannot fix him or make him fix himself. I cannot forget what he put me through. I don't think that I can make him feel loved, when feeling unloved is one of his central issues. I can encourage him to talk to me, and be supportive when he does, but I cannot force him to take that first terrifying step. I can't know the truth until/unless he is ready to tell me. I can't make him recover any faster, nor can I afford to hold myself back from healing just because the relationship is still in limbo.

I need to remember:
Recovery, just like addiction, is their responsibility. Your responsibility is to never forget that.

Lesson 8

A. Considering only objective signs of a healthy recovery/unhealthy recovery, what path do you think your partner is on? If on an unhealthy path, do you think this is due more to lack of insight about how to change, a lack of energy/motivation to change or a lack of desire to want to change?

Objective signs of how my partner is recovering:

Unhealthy:
-I caught him. He did not initiate recovery efforts until I had proof. However, he did state once that he may have put the evidence where I could find it in the hopes that he would get caught. I'm not convinced.
-Some minimization, but that is improving.
-He did this when acting out. I don't have reason to believe he still is. "They actively prepare their environment for successful acting out by: setting a preliminary foundation for excuses/alibis; seeking out times/situations where they will be unaccountable to anyone but themselves; laying the foundation for the emotional manipulation of others who may pose a confrontational threat (e.g. their spouse), etc."
-He does tend to always have at least one obsession. He now recognizes that this is probably further evidence of unhealthy coping and is currently fighting this. "They often jump from addiction to addiction, and are particularly susceptible to hyper-religiosity and hyper-recovery. They put out fires by refocusing on other areas of their life. When these areas involve compulsive behavior--their use of addiction to manage their lives continues."
-Seems to be the case. "They perceive "powerlessness" not as absolute powerlessness over their life, but a limited powerlessness over their urges."
-He has told me he does this. "They tend to focus on controlling past behavior, rather than learning new behavior."

Healthy:
-He definitely DOES NOT seem to be doing this. He actually seems cautiously excited by the possibilities. "They are inflexible in re-evaluating their lifetime goals."
-He has expressed a few doubts, but not much. "In early recovery, individuals often experience significant doubts relating to their ability to change."
-He says he is experiencing this. It seems possible, but he is still hard to read. "In early recovery, extremely negative emotions are the norm: especially as they relate to depression, anxiety."
-Not entirely, but he has his moments. "In early recovery, partner's tend to experience these individuals as very needy, pathetic, "lost souls"."
-He seems to get this intellectually. "They have accepted that they have struggled with certain immoral behaviors that contradicted their values, but realize that what matters is what they are doing, not what they did. They realize that no successful recovery ever took place by changing the past, only by changing the present."
-He definitely seems to feel this way. It is creating a rebellious streak that I think may be evidence of health. He is pretty assertive that he is doing this for him, and definitely not for me. "Their motivation to recover comes from the desire to live a life that they can be proud of, rather than a desire to create the illusion of a life that they can be proud of."
-He seems pretty proud to be making values-based decisions. "They make decisions based on what they believe is the right thing to do, rather than on what they think they can get away with."
-I'm not sure what "emotional relapse" actually means, but he has gotten really down and mopey at least once when thinking about how much he hurt me. "They tend to have an emotional relapse in terms of the consequences that they have affected on others--especially those closest to them. This frequently triggers true remorse, temporary depression, temporary helplessness--but is soon resolved with a commitment to making it up to people in other, more healthy ways."
-YES. YES. and also YES. "Partners tend to experience these individuals with cautious optimism. They can see the changes taking place, but remain unable to commit to their partner's fully--as they continue to doubt their own judgment (a consequence of the shocking discovery of the addiction's reality)."

I mostly think he is primarily on a healthy recovery path.

I feel that the main evidence that he may not be is
A) He got caught. He would very probably still be acting out if I had not found his discs.
B) I do not believe that he is being entirely honest with me yet... but I also recognize that that is extremely common.
If he is on an unhealthy path, then I do unfortunately believe that the continued deception is indicative that he lacks the desire to change. I have been here before with him (but he showed nowhere near the current level of progress), and if he is faking it this time, he is doing so with a lot more intricacy and craftiness than ever before.


B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?
Please note, I am not sure that any of these changes would even be possible for him yet. He is learning and improving; these are mostly areas where I would like him to be more improved by now.
1) The level of communication. He is more communicative than before, but I am still feeling desperate for information about his recovery. I want to know so much about how he feels, what he's thinking, how this is affecting him.
2) Let's get full disclosure over with already. Also, I have not heard about any setbacks except one time when he had strong urges and had to walk away from his computer for a period of time until they calmed down. Admitting to the urges was scary for him, but in the end he was admitting to a success.
3) I worry that maybe he isn't putting enough thought into his lesson exercises. But, I also see that I am probably putting too much thought into mine, and I have decades of practice expressing my emotions.

Lesson 9

Let me preface this by saying that in the last week or so, my partner has been making leaps and bounds in terms of recovery and communication.

A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

Sign one: "What you must look for is that they have acknowledged that their addiction is not related to the symptomatic rituals that make up that addiction, but that there is fundamental weakness at the core of their identity."
Yes. He seems to get this better than I do. When I get sad about the sexual nature of what he's done, he says things along the lines of, "I don't know entirely why I did the things that I did, but I know that the mechanism was just the specific way I was coping with things I didn't know how to cope with. If it wasn't porn it would have been something else." (Okay, he wasn't that eloquent, but that was the message I got.) He also shares insights about these fundamental flaws.

Sign two:
"Understand, they don't sit back and wait to be told, they seek out opportunities. Similarly, as they learn values-based decision-making, they don't limit that to whether or not they should have an affair or look at porn. They instead seek to gain experience in applying such principles in other areas of their life."
He has been working towards applying his values to other areas. For example, he wants to feel better about himself, and part of that for him is physical health. He has cut down on soda (which for him is a major change), and he thought to do that himself.

He also recognized that being more hygienic would probably help him feel better about himself, and he has been doing that (showering every couple of days, rather than once a week. Brushing his teeth daily. Basic stuff. Not slathering on the cologne and plucking his eyebrows to impress the ladies.).

He has also always tended to be obsessive about collecting things (action figures, hot wheels, P), and he is now generalizing that obsessive behavior outside of P, mentioning how his action figure collection is probably something he should obsess about less.

And he realized on his own that his anger issues (temper and sheer frequency of getting pissed off) are issues that he can, and should, work to limit and control. He doesn't know how to get less angry, but he is recognizing the need to manage it better and has implemented that very noticeably.

Sign Three:
"On the other hand, in a sincere recovery, your partner may initially approach a deepening level of communication with awkwardness, uncomfortableness and even fear...but there is also an element of excitement and even fun. Especially as it begins to open up a new world of intimacy and emotional connection. Vulnerability is essential to healthy communication in recovery."
He's not exactly approaching emotional communication with eagerness, but he is communicating A LOT more than before. And he is often doing it voluntarily. There's examples of this all over this and the last lesson exercise.

Our sex life has been one of the most obvious areas for this. For 6 years he has mostly avoided telling me things that he likes, and now he is opening up about that. Not fantasy stuff (though there has been a couple of mild fantasy disclosures), but things like where he likes to be touched. Oddly, and I think this may be sign from my gut (or just me being a self-destructive co-addict), I have also found my libido to be more present and unafraid than it has been in probably 5 years, and I have also felt a lot safer is communicating my wants.

"Where transparency really comes into play is in middle and late recovery, when your partner has detached himself from their addiction and thus, feels safe to share with you his ongoing struggles. Shared in an empowered, "I don't know why I'm struggling with these thoughts/feelings, but I am not going to hide from them" way...not in a self-disparaging, passive way."
He recently shared with me that he had struggled with urges the night before. He overcame them without acting out, but even though he said he was scared to tell me about them, he did tell me.

Sign Four:
"Another key sign of a sincere recovery is your partner's willingness to be proactive, rather than reactive, in managing their life."
I feel like his efforts to control his temper and cut down on soda are signs of this. He has also taken to doing lessons without any nagging on my part.

"Take that same recovery and add to it a desire to anticipate threats, prepare for them, master them."
He has told me that he now forces himself to log out of hotmail, rather than just close the window because there is almost always some sort of potentially triggering photo or news on the MSN home page. He makes himself face the MSN page, and while it has tempted him to learn more about the titillating news, and thus "accidentally" find P, he has not done so.

"Add the desire to seek out personal weaknesses (like intimacy and communication) and work to strengthen them."
See voluntary work on anger management.

Sign Five:
"The overt rituals will be those that require physical and sustained action. Affairs, porn, masturbation, voyeuring, exhibitionism, promiscuity...these are all examples of overt rituals"
He has not admitted to any overt action, but has admitted to the urge, and how he dealt with it by making a values based decision.

Subtle: "And so, you recognize the sincerity of someone at this stage not by whether or not they are having such urges/rituals, but how they respond once they become aware they are doing it. If that response is defensiveness, denial, aggression, etc., well...you know. On the other hand, if their response is to seek awareness, objective assessment, etc., then these are good signs."
I have pointed several things out to him, and he actually did a bit of research on scanning on his own. His reactions at first when I pointed things out went from "defensiveness, denial, aggression" and minimizing, to over the last week or so, thoughtfulness ("I'm not sure if that's what it was, but it could be. I'm sure I'll realize more about it eventually."), acceptance ("Yeah. You're right. I never thought about it that way."), and even gratitude for my having shown him something.


B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

At first he was minimizing, dismissing, disregarding... but those behaviors have all but gone away recently. Now, I guess my only "signs" are more a lack of signs. He communicates more, but not as much, or as transparently as I would like. He says he wants to start exercising as part of his desire to become healthier, but he hasn't done it. Stuff like that.

Honestly, with his recent improvements, and my reading/analysis of these lessons, I think he is probably really trying to do the right things to recover. But, of course, he could just be lying better.


C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

I have. I may have forgotten some positive things, though, and I hope to rectify that. In the past he reacted to praise by being very dismissive of it. Now he doesn't exactly glow with pride, but he doesn't dismiss either.

As for the unhealthy things I've communicated, he seems to be taking them into consideration. But, I have been making a concerted effort to not nag. One recent example where I couldn't keep my mouth shut, was that he was being very aloof and passive-aggressive this past Saturday. I called him on it, and he initially did the same old song and dance of denying it and saying things like "I wasn't angry until you started saying I was angry." But then, after most of the day had gone by he admitted that he was upset and told me what he was upset about.

Started 1-3-12

Resumed 1-11-12 (after completing the exercises in between.)

I am skipping a couple of exercises. For now. I will come back to them, but right now I feel like it is much more important to focus on me. It's hard enough to not obsess about my partner and his recovery right now without having to evaluate it and dissect it.

Besides, this morning my partner and I are supposed to have "the talk" wherein he will supposedly tell me everything and clear out the lies. I need this talk, but I am also terrified. So, time to give me something before I go deal with that.
Addendum: "the talk" told me hardly anything. I still believe I don't know the whole truth.


Stage 2, Lesson 1

Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.

The three most important? That's an impossible thing for me to decide. They are all important. I selected one value that I need direly (confidence), and one that is also attainable and that I know has a stabilizing effect on me (music). Solitude falls into both categories.
1) Solitude
2) Confidence
3) Music

B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.
C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.

1) Solitude. I haven't had nearly enough of this for a long time.
-A lot of the problem is that I am afraid of what my partner will do if he is out of my sight, for good reason. But, I need to accept that he is going to find time to act out if that is the choice he is making. I also need to stop thinking about that crap when I do have solitude (when possible, anyway). In the long run, I hope that we can rebuild enough trust that I won't feel so uncomfortable and worried if we are separated during leisure time.
-I would also like to fix up my bedroom to be more conducive to relaxing so that the living room is not the only room in the house for both of us to relax.
-I will start splitting up with J in stores when we shop. This is much more relaxing and enjoyable for me. I can enjoy looking at things without constantly feeling like I might be pissing him off. I will also go shopping alone on occasion (tough with no car, but doable).
-I would like to find a way to feel some solitude even if he is in the same room (or the same house even). I'm not sure how to go about that other than to just try to focus on encouraging those sorts of feelings and discouraging the anxiety and self-consciousness I normally feel.

2)Confidence. This is the hardest one, isn't it.
-I truly don't know how to get to this. But I am hoping that as I do the work for myself and nurture myself, I will start to organically develop my self-esteem and confidence.
-I am trying affirmations. They don't seem to be doing much for me yet. I feel like I am lying to myself, and I really hate being lied to.
-Also working hard to stop the negative self-talk. It is slowing, but not gone.
-Thinking about my good traits seems helpful.
-Allowing myself to feel pride.

3)Music. That's pretty easy, but still surprisingly hard.
-I find that I am often embarrassed or self-conscious about the music I listen to when my partner is present. We like many similar things, but many different. I need to just suck it up and play music anyway. Maybe the pleasure of the music will eventually outweigh the self-consciousness.
-He also tends to talk to me when I am listening to music, meaning that I must turn it down. I prefer to focus on music. I am deaf in one ear, so perhaps that has something to do with why it is hard for me to listen to music and carry on a conversation. But, maybe explaining to him that it is music time, and he shouldn't interrupt unless it is important will help.
-I also need to actually set up my various stereos in various rooms so that I can listen to music easily.
-Set up my bathroom stereo for shower music. I love listening to music in the shower.

D) List the steps you will take in the next 24 hours to begin strengthening each value.

1) Solitude
-I will attempt to leave work early enough to catch the bus home well before J gets off work. This will allow me time to relax.
-I will try to complete my job as quickly as possible tonight in order to have some time for myself at work.
-I will shut myself off from the world on the bus ride home. I will just be by myself.
-If J and I go to the store, I will make it a point to wander off alone for a bit.

2) Confidence
-I will project as much confidence as possible this morning in all of my interactions. I will smile and hold my head up and think positive thoughts about myself.
-When walking to and from the bus stop, I will make a point to enjoy the way my body feels as it works.
-At home I will work out, but only if I am enjoying the feeling of using my muscles. I will stop if I start to feel like I'm doing it to look better.
-I might try my new Kinect dancing game.

3) Music
-I will listen to my music loudly on the bus ride home. I will focus, as much as I can, on the music.
-I will play loud music when working out.
-I will turn on music whenever it is appropriate today, and I won't feel embarrassed about whatever I want to listen to.

The formatting is off, but it looks pretty good in a word processor. I'm going to print it out and read it (or parts of it) daily to keep myself on track.


I nurture my inner child. She needs love and understanding, acceptance and validation, forgiveness and gentleness. When I am struggling with self-hate and negative self-talk, I remember that she is there and give her the love she has always deserved, but seldom gotten. She needs a fierce protector, and I am that.

I am deserving and capable of happiness. I find joy in day to day life. I find laughter and fun. I am often silly and enthusiastic. I am often jubilant and free. I am wacky, random, and surprising, even to myself. I do not suppress my joy.

I give myself the gift of solitude. I enjoy being alone. I like to take walks by myself, to shop by myself, to go dancing by myself. I find time to be alone, and I am not afraid to venture out into the world alone.

I recognize how important music is to my well-being. I listen to music alone and with others. I play music in my home, and I don't worry about others not liking it. I play it loudly when I want to, and I allow myself to enjoy it entirely. I need music. I love music.

I create space for me in my home and make my home my own. I will not fail to hang up my pictures of apes and monkeys, Muppets and family. I bought this house for my family, but I deserve for it to be an expression of me. It is my haven. I will find a place for my altar. I will create a comfortable and quiet place to read. I will burn incense sometimes.

I am reconnecting with my inner witch. I am healing the wound which has severed my spirituality from me. I practice small acts of magic and kindle my relationship with life, the universe, and everything. I will set up my altar and visit it when I need a moment of peace and focus.

I will stop apologizing constantly for everything. It is not always my fault. If others blame me, I will examine what they have to say with respect, and decide for myself if I should apologize. I will not automatically take on the blame just because no one else does.

I will find work that has meaning to me. I will finish my Vet Tech degree program and find a job that allows me to help animals through their pain and confusion. I care too much to not be meant for this.

I embrace my own tendency to be compassionate, but I will be sure to extend this compassion toward myself as well. I have the courage to be more loving and less afraid. I am strong, and brave, and amazing. I love.

I have been operating under the FALSE belief that it is somehow wrong to show my happiness and confidence in front of my partner. I will work to demolish this belief. I will not suppress my moments of joy just because he is looking. I will not feel bad about my appearance or attempt to hide my body just because I think he might find it less than ideal. I will not hurt myself further just to prove to him how badly he has hurt me. His choices do not mean I must be humbled before him. If he has pushed me down, it is my job to pull myself up. If he makes me feel ugly, I must make myself feel happy with with my appearance. If he makes me feel stupid, I must make myself feel smart. If I feel he is not contrite enough, not sad enough, I will lift myself up rather than attempt to bring him down.

I deserve to thrive and be happy.

To encourage confidence, I celebrate and honor myself.
My Self:
I am the perfect me!
-I cherish my strangeness.
-I am a proudly unique individual. I may dress "goth" and attract the attention of strangers (but not TO attract the attention of strangers), but I take pride in challenging their shallow world view.
-I may have stopped shaving my legs and armpits 12 years ago, but that won't stop me from wearing shorts and tank tops.
-I do not play myself up to perturb other people, nor do I play myself down to blend in.
-I recognize that holding my head high and being entirely myself is the best way to master my natural tendency to anxiety in public.
-Being unapologetically me is the best armor against the opinions of others.
I am intelligent.
-I enjoy intellectual discussions, and I am knowledgeable in many subjects.
-Intellectual conversations benefit from my being involved in them.
-I am educated and I worked very hard to get that way.
-I cultivate my own passions and knowledge base.
-I learn about things that don't relate directly to my life.
-I greatly enjoy moments of epiphany and fascination.
I have many things to be proud of.
-I survived an upbringing in an abusive family. An alcoholic mother and passive- aggressive and distant father did not manage to destroy me.
-I excelled in school despite my difficulties at home.
-I put myself through college. I worked full time while being a full time student.
-And I still graduated with honors.
-I stepped up to the role of step-mother with strength, determination, and love.
-I bought a house. I maintained my credit and worked hard to be able to do that.
-I am very good at my job.
-I am honest.
-I love despite fear.
-I am strong.
-I am me.
I am sensitive, and emotional. And that is okay.
-My feelings are strong.
-My feelings are real.
-My feelings are valid.
-My feelings are relevant.
-My feelings matter.
My Body and Appearance:
I will be confident in my own skin.
-I have a beautiful smile.
-My body is soft and round, but strong.
-My armpit hair is thick, shiny, soft, and beautiful.
-My legs are muscular and curvy.
-My hair has magical shots of silver running through it.
-My eyes are beautiful. Brown and warm.
-I can dance.
-I am graceful.
-My body is strong and unique.
-I love the way it looks and feels.
-I nourish it without caloric restriction.
-I think that my face is just fine without makeup.
-I haven't worn makeup since high school.
-I don't want to wear makeup.
-I will stop feeling bad about that.
I have style.
-I will work to rediscover/recreate my own sense of style.
-I have never known anyone who dresses like me when I put in the effort.
-I have never known anyone who could pull it off if they tried.
My Sexuality:
-I am sexy.
-My body feels good to me.
-I have not failed my partner sexually. He has failed me in terms of honesty and intimacy.
-This Is NOT My Fault.
-I am not inadequate. I am amazing.
-I am skilled.
-I know what feels good to me.
-I deserve to enjoy my sexuality again.

I'm skipping over exercise 11 for now. I'm really having a tough time coping lately, and I haven't had the time and privacy to freak out the way I know I need to in order to honestly write that letter.


Exercise 12:
A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

I am definitely still in the disorientation stage. Characteristics that I am currently exhibiting include:

Throughout the disorientation stage, the partner can experience a disruption to all aspects of his/her life.
Yes. My whole life feels like a wreck. Even my job is harder to do, and that has nothing to do with my partner. I feel like my kids might also find me to be inadequate (even though I intellectually know that my partner's SA was not due to me being inadequate, I still often feel like I am). I have a harder time doing anything productive, both due to lack of motivation and a general inability to focus. I enjoy food, reading, music, and other previously enjoyable things a lot less. I have moments of utter panic with shaking and rapid heartbeat fairly regularly with no identifiable triggering event or thought. I have nightmares about P. I feel like I am barely holding myself, any part of myself, together. Like I might just shatter into a million pieces at any moment. It takes an act of will just to not fall apart. Mind you, this is the bad moments or the bad days, not constant. But there is a constant pall over all areas of my life.

Internal Expression:
They will look for reasons within themselves as to why their partner resorted to such behavior to begin with. They will engage in self-blame, self-loathing, self-criticizing thought patterns which will serve only to perpetuate the emotional instability that they experience.
I actually feel like maybe this is my version of the "Bargaining" stage of grieving. I keep scrambling to find out something, anything, that might change the fact that my partner did this to me. I try to convince myself that he didn't know how bad it would hurt me, but he did. To convince myself that he would have told the truth if only I had asked the exact right question at the exact right moment, but he wouldn't have. I try to sympathize that the poor guy is just really into teen girls (or hairless girls, or skinny girls, or whatever), and since I am not a teen girl (or whatever), he just had to look elsewhere... like he genuinely NEEDED a certain trait and would hurt without seeing it, so he was just doing what he HAD to do, but that's BS. I think that when I do this, I am trying desperately to find some alternative truth. Something easier to swallow than him knowing full-well that he would devastate me, and doing it anyway. Than him purposely lying to me, with no excuse or justification, just pure deception to benefit himself. Than him just being the kind of shallow, self-centered, careless, narcissistic a**hole that would really CHOOSE to look at something as stupid as P regardless of how it would effect the very real and very loving woman who was being honest and faithful to him. Trying to bargain my out of facing the idea that he actually CHOSE, over and over and over (and over and over), something as meaningless as the visual stimulus of naked women in compromising positions, over the truthfulness of his relationship, the confidence of his partner... That he chose porn over my happiness. And trying not to face that he didn't even love or respect me enough to be honest about it. That with his deception he took from me my right to choose what sort of relationship I was in. I'm trying to bargain my way out of facing that I have given the last six years of my life to someone so heartless. But I am doing that at the cost of honoring myself. If I can make it my fault, then it's not so much his. But, damnit! It is his fault.
Depression, suicide and indecision are frequent marks for the internal expression.
Well, I'm still alive. But I'm not happy, and indecision is definitely worse now.

External Expression:
Those exhibiting external expression will often be confrontational, concrete and punishing. They will try to regain control over their lives by aggressively pursuing such control in a matter of fact, no mercy, no compassion approach.
Yes. I get very confrontational. And I try to make up my mind (concretely) and just hold to it, no matter what. Being inflexible in the name of boundaries. When I do this it is with a very matter-of-fact attitude, or my best effort at one, anyway. And I know that I am really trying soooooo hard to gain control, because I feel like I just discovered that I had no control at all over the course of this relationship.
As for being punishing, I am careful not to dole out punishment... but I am pretty sure that's largely because I want him to punish himself. When he laughs at someone's joke, watches a TV show that obviously amuses him, plays a video game, or otherwise has fun, I get angry. Where the hell is my fun? I can't (genuinely) laugh at that joke because I am too caught up in my own pain, so why should he get to enjoy it? If he did this, if I was not at fault, and in that sense was the victim, what gives him the right to have fun? Basically, how dare he!?! I am honest enough with myself to admit that I basically want him to be a simpering pile of guilt and misery rotting in a corner somewhere and praying that I'll deem him worthy of some kind gesture. It's not how I should feel, but it is how I do feel. It drives me nuts that he isn't miserable right now. Wracked with guilt... That he hasn't even cried about it for more than a few seconds right when I found the discs and confronted him. So, I don't want to punish him, but I want him to be punished nonetheless.
They will often seek to dehumanize their partner--removing basic adult rights and responsibilities from them.
Does the right to privacy count? Because I definitely have no respect for his privacy right now. The only thing that keeps me from snooping most of the time is the fact that I am too lazy and too tired of being a detective. I've been at this for at least 5 years now and it's tedious.

The following lists some of the more common responses observed in a traumatic discovery:
Ruminations relating to the partner's sexual behavior *check
Obsessive checking behavior *like I said, I do this, but not as much as before d-day. Now I'm more tired of it, and I see its futility
Hyper alertness to partner's activities, moods and mannerisms *check
Paranoia *is it paranoia if you are preoccupied with thoughts that someone is doing exactly what you know they already did behind your back?
Depression *I'm sad, for sure. But I've suffered from depression for many years/decades, and the other symptoms (lack of energy, etc.) haven't gotten any worse than I would have expected them to in the wake of this mess.
Inconsolable, spontaneous crying *I generally am able to control it, but when I do let go... wow.
Significant appetite changes *Does self-imposed starvation count? I'm still hungry, but some days I feel too fat and disgusting to eat without a lot of guilt.
Insomnia/Nightmares/Excessive sleeping *check
Exhaustion *no more than usual
Sexual apathy/disgust *I've had that for the last 2 1/2 years, ever since d-day 1. Now I am actually alternating between that and being extremely libidinous.
Feeling "scattered" and unable to focus on daily activities *check
Difficulty with concentration, forgetfulness, decision-making and problem solving *check
Feeling emotionally "numb," withdrawn or disconnected from others *Nope. Not numb. At all.
Increased reliance on alcohol, drugs, shopping or other mind-altering activities *not that I've noticed. I do allow myself more leeway in having fun now, but that means having one beer once or twice a week rather than only when my partner was having beer. And buying myself some stuff I want just for me. Without asking permission.
Social isolation from family and friends *No more than I was before this latest d-day. Probably a little less isolated.
Inability to attach importance to anything other than discovery-related issues *definite check
Hypersensitivity to sexually-related stimuli (e.g. advertising, attractive women, movies/television, business trips, etc.) *check
Violent (revenge) fantasies *Surprisingly, no. Not violence anyway. Emotional violence perhaps. Like thinking of cheating on him and flaunting it. Or wishing he'd fall to pieces and weep for what he's done.
Engaging in sexual behavior that contradicts personal values (e.g. promiscuity, anonymous sex) *Nope. Increased libido, yes, but I'm not doing anything I wouldn't have done before. Or anything that contradicts my values. Unless having sex with my partner counts... which I'm not sure about. But I am sure that when I do, I do it because I want to, not because I feel any obligation to make him happy.
Frequent mood swings *very much check
Generalized distrust and anger towards all *No. Unless it counts that the more I consider my vision and my half-formed boundaries, the less inclined I am to take everyone else's crap. And I have taken a lot of crap in my time.

In the disorientation stage, recovery books are read with an almost desperate necessity.
I mostly read other stuff to try to distract myself. But there are definitely days when I can't resist reading these forums. They offer a strange comfort (aside from the obvious comforts)... like engaging in my obsession, but in an okay way.

In the disorientation stage, confrontations and inquiries were often used to extract information from your partner to gain control over a situation in which you realistically had little. Such information could then be used to test your partner's sincerity, their willingness to open up to you completely or to catch them in lies/inconsistencies.
This is definitely still me. I mean, I do want to understand, but I don't know that I'm capable of understanding, at least not yet. So a lot of my questions are desperate attempts to grasp at whatever straw I can find. Just to have something to hang on on to. Almost like control, but without the good parts.


B. Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.

I'm not sure I understand the question. It seems to me that as I move into the Awareness stage and the Separation stage, things will get better, not worse. While I am by no means out of the woods yet, it seems like right now I can only go up.

Only go up... with the exception of good days and bad days and the general roller-coaster mood swing stuff, and the likelihood of more painful disclosures from my partner. As for how I will deal with these hurdles, I imagine it will be much the same as how I am dealing with them now. I mean, ideally once I move out of the Disorientation stage, I'll feel more separation which I think should help future disclosures hurt less. But in general, I imagine that some days I'll feel terrible and some days I won't, and that with time the bad days will get less frequent/intense and the good days will get more frequent. If I keep working on this, then hopefully I'll eventually find joy again. I like to think that in time, I will actually be better off for having been through this. More aware, stronger, less likely to sacrifice myself for someone else.

This lesson brought up a big question for me: If this workshop is meant to help with the Awareness and Separation stages, will I maybe not benefit from it because I'm not there yet? I think that I already am benefiting, but maybe I'd be better off to grieve more first and then come back to this... what I intend to do is just keeping going forward with the workshop, and come back to lessons later if I feel like they should be revisited.

So, I caught my partner using P again yesterday. And, he lied to me about it.

I think I just need to vent some of this crap, probably not with any cohesive structure. My insides are in chaos, and I'm sure this writing will reflect that.

I know I shouldn't be surprised, and I guess I am not entirely, but I did feel the shock of it. I was on the bus and I happened to pull up the google search history on my phone... a search history that is also linked with his account. I watched the first search appear. "KariSweets", followed by "KariSweets tumblr". I watched in real time as he searched for one of his favorite pornstars... I saw the links appear as he clicked on them. And then, a few minutes later, I saw it stop (I later learned that was because one of his coworkers had arrived at the desk). Another few minutes after that, he searched for another woman (because the coworker, being a dorm resident, realized he'd forgotten something in his room and went upstairs to retrieve it). I sat there on the fucking public bus, watching as my "partner" acted out. I felt so cold, and the adrenaline hit me like a train. I couldn't stop shaking. I couldn't slow my breathing.

The first search was at 7:43 a.m., the last search was at 7:58. His shift ends at 8. He couldn't even resist for 15 minutes!?!? I'm cohabitating with a toddler.

I actually texted him while this was going on just to see what he would do. Of course, he lied to me, and he kept on clicking. I asked him "what's up?" or some other inoffensive way to say "what the hell are you doing RIGHT NOW?" He said, "Nothing. I just finished my daily monitoring and I'm waiting for the desk worker." What a joke. And afterwards, once there was some honesty (about this one instance only) on his part, he told me that he had really just done his monitoring. Once he finished that he started searching. Some of the things his monitoring asks are, "Did I make any decisions today that I would hide from SO?" and "Did I make any decisions I would make differently?" Of course he could answer "No" to those, because he hadn't made the decision yet. What a charming loophole.

So, anyway, I watched this shit as it happened. I felt my world slipping back into that cold empty place that I always seem to find myself in on the heels of another discovery, in the shadow of another set of lies. I held myself together (barely), made it through the next 40 minutes of my bus ride home, got into my house and packed him an overnight bag. I even folded his shirts and made sure he had a toothbrush... because I felt soooo very loving (okay, the care in packing was definitely a non-verbal form of sarcasm). And I waited for him to get home. Within 10 minutes of me getting here, he rolled in, all smiles and "Honey, I'm home!" bullshit. I took one look at him and told him that this was his one chance. He played dumb. "What do you mean?" "One chance for what?" So I told him this was his one chance to be honest. "Honest about what? What are you freaking out about?" So I showed him the screen on my phone. "I don't know what this is. I didn't search for that." So I said, "Okay. PROVE it." He offered to get the security camera footage of those times so that he could show me that he wasn't on the computer. So I said, "Okay, let's go now."

And then he relented. Then he admitted to a "slip". But, of course, this is the only time he's slipped since D-Day, and he felt terrible about it the whole drive home, and, as usual, I know about everything. Right! There's only one small transgression (from a year ago) that I don't have proof of... like that transgression wasn't admitted to just to appease me by admitting to something I couldn't prove, in a "Look how honest I am" way.

And that's when things got nasty. I told him that I had given him a chance to be honest, and he had lied. I told him that I did not want a liar in my house (because, thank the gods, I am the sole owner of this house, and I can do that). I gave him the bag I'd packed, and told him we'd figure out a further plan in a few days. I was strong. I felt good! I mean, it hurt. A lot. But I had made my decision and I was acting to protect myself, and my boundaries. I was doing what had to be done.

But then he struck back. And I crumbled. At first he was just disclosing what had happened that morning, how he looked them up because he we haven't had sex in a couple of weeks and he was horny. How he'd been struggling for a few days to not grope me or violate my boundaries. And then they told him they were cutting his hours at work (which is a burden to me, too, but I guess that didn't matter to him). And he got stressed. And he feels like I reject him, like he's not good enough for me. And he "slipped". He looked for them because their asses remind him of mine. He felt terrible. Blahblahblah.

I maintained that all of that could have been worked through, all of that could have been met with understanding and even sympathy IF HE HAD NOT LIED ABOUT IT!!! That the fact that I had to CATCH him. And then that I had to PROVE it. And that even then, he looked me in the eye and LIED. That negated anything positive to get from it. Knowing that I had to catch and prove, only shows me that he is still deceiving me. And, no, I do not believe that the only time he slipped I just happened to catch him.

Then he started in on the "nothing I do is ever good enough for you", "I'm trying to get better and you make me feel so alone" crap. Still, I was strong. I reminded him that not only am I under no obligation to make him feel better after what he did to me, but that one of the core issues of his addiction was that he has low self-esteem and that he does everything he can (including using P, but definitely not limited to that) to keep everyone at arm's length. I told him that, no, I was not at all okay with what he had done, but that I had been trying to be as supportive as I could. That I do praise him, and it's not my fault if he can't hear it. And that he is the one who has taken extreme measures to make sure that he feels alone. That is not my fault.

But it just kept going. And going. And I do love him (sometimes). And I am still not distant from the dream of happily ever after with him. And so, I am not always able to keep myself from being hurt by the onslaught. Especially not when it's of the "I am hurting and I need you" variety.

I didn't even realize that I'd started to soften, but he must have. Because then he brought out the big guns. Then he started to attack. He told me that I am selfish. That I don't care about anyone's feelings except my own. That I think the world revolves around me. That everything is always all about me and how I feel.

(Even typing this now, I'm tearing up. Because I don't think I am unduly selfish. I give so much to those I love. I sacrifice and I hurt, and I care, and I am not selfish! But, I also know that I am deeply and intensely afraid that maybe I am. My parents always told me that I was. But I know they were abusive. I KNOW that the hurtful things they taught me about myself were wrong. But what if they're not? I don't ask this in seriousness. I truly do not think that I am selfish or self-centered. Even now, with work on RN, I am having to make a concerted effort to be selfish. But this is obviously a chink in my armor. And one that he exploits again and again.)

As my calm and determination eroded, as I started to fall apart in the wake of the pain of his relapse (because I do not think it is a "slip" if he lies about it), he kept it coming. I cried and shouted about how much it hurt that he still couldn't resist that. That I'm not good enough for him visually. That he is still lying, when I gave him yet another chance to be a part of my life. That he says he is recovering, but he is lying. And he said things like, "How does this happen? How is it that you can turn ANYTHING around so that it's all about you?"

And I finally ended up in despair. I hated myself more fiercely than I have since even before D-Day. I believed with all of me that I am a terrible person, "a selfish bitch" like he said. And that I had somehow managed to victimize him because he is "stupid enough to love" me. I begged for mercy, but he wouldn't give it. I was back in that place of total desperation where all I want is oblivion, be that death or unconsciousness (though unconsciousness never feels permanent enough in those moments). I was completely overwhelmed and incapacitated by my pain. I was crying too hard to breathe. I couldn't hold still or stop pulling my hair. I couldn't think. It's like the emotional equivalent of the world's worst migraine... pain so intense that it can't be soothed or managed or coped with. It feels unbearable, like you'll never feel okay again, but all you can do is bear it. Wait it out. And HE WAS THE ONE WHO SAT THERE AND DID THAT TO ME!!! (Yes, he later admitted that he didn't mean those things, but that he was hurting me because I had hurt him. We've walked that path before.)

In my despair, I reached for a million things to distract me. Physical pain didn't help (at least not the relatively mild forms that I allowed myself. Digging my nails into my palms instead of burning myself or cutting myself. Been there. Done that. Don't want to go back.) Begging him to ease up didn't help. Chainsmoking didn't help. And I ended up turning to the one thing that would be enough to distract me.

The ultimate irony: To manage my own pain, I started looking at his porn. I followed his links and looked at the pictures he'd betrayed me for. And it hurt. It definitely hurt. But it hurt so much that it helped me ignore the worse pain of my self-loathing. Don't get me wrong, looking at their perfect hairless photoshopped bodies, knowing that these images were something he chose over me, has its own self-loathing. But maybe it's just easier to hate my body, to condemn my appearance and my sexuality, than it is to hate my heart, my soul. Denying my beauty hurts less than denying my goodness.

So I got lost in hating how ugly I am, how beautiful they are. In a fit of wanting to hurt myself, I went to the bathroom and shaved off all my pubic hair. I haven't done that for probably a decade. I feel like I look like a child without my hair, and I really abhor the sight of it. I also promised myself not to do that once I saw how much of J's proclivities run towards barely legal girls who look like puberty hasn't entirely set in yet. But, yesterday I did it. I did it knowing that it would make me dislike my cunt (I apologize if that word offends. I use it as a Feminist act of assertion and power. "Cunt" is the most powerful, strong, reverent thing I can call my vagina. Read "Cunt: a declaration of independence" by Inga Muscio if you care to understand.) I did it as an act of disrespect to myself. An act of vandalism. Defilement. I did it because I knew that until it grows back, every time I take a shower, or pee, or otherwise encounter my own genitals, I will remember.

And when it was done, I understood. I saw how far down I'd gone. And my self-loathing lost steam.

And I got mad again. I got mad that J had hurt me and lied to me, and I knew again that there is no excuse good enough for all the lies. I got mad that he had used my own insecurities to keep me from enforcing my boundaries. I got mad that he sat there and watched me smash myself to pieces, that he helped me do it, and he did it just to protect himself. That he sacrificed my trust and confidence, the sanctity of our relationship, for pornography. And then he sacrificed me for his own comfort.

I saw how much of a fucking selfish child I have attached myself to.

And I saw how I had failed myself when I needed me the most.

Clarity? Maybe.

As it stands now, he is still here in my house. He's in the other room, ostensibly working in his recovery notebook (edit: soon after this, his snores alerted me that he was sleeping soundly, like someone with a clean conscience). We've hardly spoken this morning. I miss him, but I also think that the man I miss so much was never real in the first place. He will not be sleeping in my bed any time soon, unless he shows me a real turnaround in his selfishness. He will not be getting near me physically or emotionally unless he drops his walls. I'm am trying to be understanding of the fact that he is still learning, and that no matter how much he wants to be a better person, he won't be fully able to do that until HE gets to that point.

And I am trying to tell myself that even if I am being selfish in my healing, that is okay. I deserve my love more than he does. And I am too damaged to not do everything in my power to nurse me back to health. I keep thinking of my poor inner child, and what a terrible mother I have been to her.

As for what I feel, right now I feel utter disdain for J. Yeah, a (big) part of me longs for him to come to me, crying and begging. A lot of me really really wants to forgive him, but I also don't think that I can forgive him until I am convinced of his remorse (or distant enough from him that he can't hurt me with his addiction anymore). I've stubbornly maintained referring to him as my "partner" but I'm reevaluating the accuracy of that title.

In general, I feel oddly numb. But I think I mostly feel sorta good right now. I'm sure I'll cycle in and out of that at least 50 times in the next week, but this moment is okay.

I'm off tonight, but J is at work. Almost two hours ago he texted me to say that he was having urges and having a hard time resisting them.

My first though was "Yay! Honesty!" which I guess is a good sign, since I wasn't like, "Oh, crap. Why does he still want them?" But he was also asking me for help. But help how?

I tried suggesting that he write in his notebook, since he says that he fears going online for anything when the urges hit. But he didn't "feel motivated." He said he turned on the TV, but it being the middle of the freaking night there's nothing on but infomercials and televangelists. I offered suggestions that I've seen on here, basically amounting to doing something productive to distract himself. When that wasn't motivational enough, I went for just doing something, anything, to distract. Take a walk. Color in the coloring books he carries with him. Find a book to read. Did he want me to call him? So on and so forth.

But nothing is good enough. So I am here, frantic with worry over a situation I have no control over whatsoever. I am trying to help, but he is giving me nothing to work with. I try to bring up topics that interest him, and he replies with 5 word answers. How the fuck am I supposed to help him if he won't participate!?!?

I feel bad for getting mad at him for this. I mean, he is trying, at least supposedly. He is being honest. He is doing the right thing. But two hours of this stress on me... It's his decision. I can't make it for him. I am trying to help but failing.

Feeling helpless. Frustrated. Smothering in the futility.

Part of me just wants to say screw it. I don't feel like I am helping, it's not under my control. That him reaching out to me for help that he won't let me give is maybe just a way to create the illusion that he is not the only one in control of whether or not he acts out.

But on the other hand, if I abandon helping him, then maybe that means he'll definitely act out.

But on another other hand, that's not my fault, my decision, or my problem.

I feel so helpless.

I don't know if I should keep trying or explain to him that unless there is anything I can do, it is healthier for me to not have this on my shoulders. But it's not like I'll be able to forget what might be happening if I disengage, so do I even gain anything from disengaging?

Maybe, like him, I need a distraction. Oy. Venting has helped me feel better.

...

I explained to him that me feeling this helpless and frantic was not healthy for me. I am in the process of ending the conversation unless he thinks of something I can actually do to help. I hope he doesn't act out.

But, deep breaths, IT IS NOT MY DECISION. IT IS NOT MY FAULT. I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

Besides, it's now been almost 3 hours. Maybe I've given enough of my time. I will try to relax. Incense (which J hates, but oh well), music (or a movie), coffee. Deep breaths.

I really do feel somewhat better.

p.s. He replied with reassurance that I have helped, and he will not let this beat him, and that it is a decision he has already made, so he won't act out. We'll see. Either way, I can't save him.

A bit of an update between my two most recent posts here.

So all that relapse-catching bitter fighting crap happened on Thursday morning. Then Friday morning I wrote my post. After that, I went in the pet room (yes, I have enough pets to justify them having their own room) where he was sleeping, because the cats needed fed. He woke up to the general feline clamor for food and then followed me to the living room to talk. At first he did the whole "tit for tat" thing. I said I was still angry, he replied with "In this whole six years, I've never been allowed to express how I feel about your actions." The whole, "I know I screwed up, but look what you've done" approach. I told him (and meant it) that I didn't actually care right now what he thinks of my actions. I told him that if he does not like being with me, then he knows where the door is, but that I was not inclined to change myself for his sake.

He started to protest that it wasn't fair for him to have to change if I wasn't going to. And I told him (and meant it) that the part he seemed to be unaware of was that I have zero interest in maintaining a relationship with an active addict. That if he were to walk out the door right now, I would consider it a relief. That if I lost him, him as a cheating deceiving addict, I would lose nothing. That I was absolutely okay with not having him in my life. And that I would not be sacrificing myself to keep him any more.

Basically that I would be better off alone than with him in his addicted state. That if loving myself got in his way, it really didn't matter to me, because I am the best thing I have in my life right now.

I told him that I deserve my loyalty and acceptance more than he does. That if he wanted to make it me versus him, I knew whose side I was on. That maybe it wasn't fair if I didn't want to take his criticism to heart, but that in light of his actions I no longer cared about being fair.

I told him that he's lucky that I've even allowed him a chance to stick around and fix this, and that a chance was about as much as he was gonna get from me. So, take it or leave it.

I did tell him he was welcome to express his feelings about my actions, but that he shouldn't expect it make much difference to me.

He shut up.

After a while he said that he thought that was a good thing, what I'd said. And that I should take care of me.

Then we talked some about the lies and how that was the worst part of his decisions. That no matter how ugly the truth is, it is not going to hurt our relationship as much as having that truth and hiding it. He seemed to have a lightbulb moment and to finally get it. As if I haven't said the exact same thing to him a million times before.

He said that he's been so focused on proving to me that he was trustworthy that he forgot to just be trustworthy. That now he sees that all he can do to earn my trust back is to be honest and transparent and give it time. And that if him being honest is not ever enough to make me trust him, that's not really anything he can do anything about. That he needs to be the person he wants to be, and let the relationship with me follow. And something about now he sees that honesty is his choice, and it's not the "forced honesty" he was trying to live with before.

This seemed to be the gist of it. He wasn't entirely making sense, but I took that as a good thing. I figure it's good that he's having all these epiphanies, even if he doesn't have the skills to communicate them. That maybe in that moment he finally *got* it. At least temporarily.

So that's good.

At some point in the conversation there was tears on his part (which almost never happens) and I think he saw that I was serious, that he had finally pushed me hard enough that I closed my heart to him. He said, while crying, that he hated himself for fucking up his chance to be the love of my life, but that he knew that someday I would find someone who deserves me, who makes me happy. He also said tearfully, "You are the best person I have ever met." Followed by a lot of stuff about specific good things that I have done to help others, and how I care about every damn thing, which is true.

I told him he could stay, for now. That he would need to sleep in the other room for a while, and that I would be going about my business of taking care of me, but he could stay, and would see what happens.

Since then there's been a lot of practical conversations. Discussing whether he should perhaps abstain from MB, because even though he swears it wasn't part of his acting out (this time around anyway), he does get bitchy and act out when he's gone "too long" without a orgasm and maybe it was time to reset that. Basically my point was that if not having sex with me for a while, and thus being horny, was enough of an excuse to act out, then he should at least examine the habituation, assumptions, and attitudes behind that pattern. He said he didn't feel it was necessary, but he would try it to see what results it had. If not MBing caused him to start finding justifications to act out, or made him get more short-tempered.

Discussing what I was going to do to try to help me feel better, and how to keep myself focused on my own well-being. Which I would post here, but it's a process of trial and error, and very much winging it right now.

In general his attitude seems strange to me. He's being more pragmatic and detached. He seems possibly optimistic though, so maybe it's just an "aha moment" for him.

As for me, I feel much better. I am stubbornly refusing to condemn myself, which is a big change. Sleeping alone is feeling more comfortable than sleeping with him. Doing stuff I like to do despite the fear that me being even a little irresponsible will justify him being completely irresponsible (a common pattern in our relationship: He plays video games for 9 hours straight, and I fight with him about it. But then I go out for breakfast with a friend, so he is now justified to play video games for 12 hours. etc. So over the years I've adapted by making sure I have almost no fun time to myself, which just makes me feel more resentful when he behaves like a teenager, which, of course, he's continued to do.)

I feel good because I am finally feeling, as opposed to just knowing intellectually, that I am better off alone than with an SA. That I really cannot change his choices, and I cannot force him to recover. And I've put up with enough crap. It's time to stop that.

I own my house, on my own. I pay the mortgage and all the household bills. I won't even have to move if we split up. My material well-being is assured (it will be tougher without his income, but I have zero use for the car, and not having to make any car payments, or insurance, or gas, or anything will help). The worst part is that I would lose his kids. I love them immensely, but they are being raised by the village of his family, and I know they'll be fine without me. Besides, I've been too caught up in all this to even really enjoy them. So, that part's hard, but they will be fine.

I feel a little lonely, but even that's not so bad. I'm learning to be my own best friend, and I'm sure I'll be happier with my own companionship than I was being half a person in a dysfunctional relationship.

I'll probably get going on lessons again soon, but for now I'm enjoying relaxing. It's ironic that J and I seem to have so many opposite things to work on to heal ourselves. I've been trying so hard for so long to emulate the things he needs to be, that I've forgotten to strive to be what I want. He needs to be more responsible and accountable, I need to give myself a damn break. He needs to get rid of his sexuality (at least in some regards), and I need to rediscover my own. He needs to focus less on his own immediate wants, I need to figure out what mine even are and start embracing them. Etc. But I realize that it's a matter of us both working towards our visions and values, and, for me at least, repairing the damage this has done to me.

Ah. Time to assess the damage. I've been doing this for 2 months now, so it's kinda just a matter of typing it. I'll list the consequences of the acting out, but also of the addiction and it's secondary behaviors (i.e. the passive aggressiveness, the lying, the invalidation, etc.). Rating them might be difficult.

A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..

B. Rate the affect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2"--what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.

Over the six-year course of our relationship:

3My physical confidence has taken a nose-dive. Examples:
~I used to like the way I look, but now I can't walk by a mirror without feeling a little bit crappier.
~I feel like my body is terribly misshapen at times.
~I feel like my labia are freakish in their dimensions.
~I feel fat. I never used to feel fat. (and I haven't gained much weight in 6 years)
~I used to walk with a natural strut. Now I can't find it anymore.
~I used to feel incredibly confident dancing. Now I can't find my groove most of the time.
~I no longer see anything good about my face.
~I feel like I look really old.

7At times I've become obsessed with some aspect or another of how I look. For a while it was the frizziness of my hair. Then it was the dark circles under my eyes. So on. Has taken up a lot of time.

1My general confidence is also way down. I feel more nervous going out in public, and less sure of myself in almost any situation. Examples:
~I used to think I was an okay cook. Now it's really scary to serve anyone else my food.
~I used to think I was pretty damn smart. Now I feel nervous whenever I voice an intellectual opinion, and I usually keep my mouth shut.
~I don't even have any confidence in my abilities with animals anymore. I used to be very sure of myself around non-humans.
~I've gotten really scared to try new things.

4I feel like I've lost touch with all the things I used to really like about myself. The things I thought were exceptional have been dismissed by J so consistently, that I no longer see them either. I don't feel like I am special anymore.

5I feel like I am inadequate whenever he is around, like my inadequacy is the elephant in the room. We both know it's there, but he won't admit to it, not with words.

2I don't like myself when I'm around J anymore. Usually, when I'm alone, I feel mostly okay. But when he is around, or in relation to him, I feel naggy, grumpy, scared, insecure, mean, angry, resentful.

3I have so much resentment in me now.
~I resent his ability to easily have fun.
~I resent his ability to relax.
~to laugh
~smile
~enjoy his job
~be irresponsible
~make small talk
~have so many friends, without any depth or mutual support, though.

2I am constantly worried about activating his temper. I am so careful. Always so careful. Trying not to piss him off.

1I have a hard time relaxing and having fun.

7I've become hyper-responsible. I think this is in response to his general level of irresponsibility.

9I don't sleep well except with very major sedatives/antipsychotics. This would rate much more significantly than a 9, if it weren't for the meds.

6My formerly very healthy sex-drive, and happy sexuality has been stunted.

4I have stopped being social. I think this is because I feel so down and don't really have anything good to say to anyone. I currently have one friend. I talk to him about once every two weeks.

6I am a step-mother to 3, but I have never received the parenting backup and support from my "partner" that I think I need. He refuses to talk to the kids directly about me, because he doesn't deal with anything directly. I think this sets me up to be "just Daddy's girlfriend" as they have often referred to me.

8I am afraid to go anywhere with J where there might be attractive young girls. The mall. The pool. The front yard. I don't know what I'll do when his daughter hits high school.

7Stupid ways, like:
~I don't wear hats anymore because J doesn't like them.
~I don't ever bother to dress up anymore, because J never seems to think I've managed to look any better than usual. I still can't catch his interest or get noticed.
~I don't buy myself pretty things usually, because they feel wasted on me anymore.

8I apologize for EVERYTHING. If a cat vomits on the floor, I say I'm sorry.

9I no longer have any idea how to take a compliment.

5Christmas, birthdays, anniversaries, V-Day, etc. are now dreaded, as they are just another time when I will wish that he did something to make me feel special, but he never does.

6I have wasted a lot of time searching through his stuff, checking the computer, etc. I have spent numerous nights off searching every nook and cranny of my home for P.

2I have always struggled with emotional validation, but now it is worse. Much worse.

4There was been quite a bit of gas-lighting. I usually react with anger, as I recognize it for what it is, but that only makes me look more hysterical and paranoid.

3During his years of acting out and lying constantly, any effort on my part to figure out what was wrong was met with denial. I was treated as if my gut sense was my own paranoia and hypersensitivity. I was told over and over that I had a problem and I should seek professional help. And I believed that.

6I lost touch with my spirituality.

5I've become less connected to many things I enjoy. Non-human primates are no longer so captivating. I don't listen to music enough any more. I don't have any hobbies anymore.

2I have lost my independence somewhere. Both my practical independence and my emotional.

1I have lost touch with myself.

1I have forgotten to respect and value myself. I may have forgotten how to do this.

1I stopped loving myself.

7My ideas about romantic love have become warped and ugly. More of obsession and control and fear than love.


Lately/Post D-Day:

3The lies have destroyed any trust I had in him.

2They have destroyed any trust I had in myself.

8I feel guilty when I eat in front of him.

5I have nightmares. Every time I sleep.

3I can't focus or concentrate.

4Triggers, Triggers, Triggers. The whole world is dangerous to my psyche right now.

6I'm honestly not sure if I love him anymore. I'm not sure if I ever did, seeing as how I never really knew who he was.

8I often can't look at him without seeing a sleazy, slimy, philandering liar. He might as well have a pencil-thin mustache and a shark skin suit.

5I can't look at myself without seeing echos of his P women. I see myself in terms of how I am not like them.

5I am so angry. All the time. But I think this anger is also helping to protect me.

4I am so sad. Too much of the time.

5I have periods of total panic, wondering what he is doing right now, how can I find out, etc. They make me pretty much incapable of thinking of anything else.

2I feel like a broken vase. Cracks all over. Shattered in places. And maybe no amount of super glue can ever put me back together again. But maybe I can be melted down and turned into something new and beautiful and strong.

These are just a selection of the insights, bolding those that touched me in a particular way. Putting them here so that I can look back at them later if I start to forget.


Important insights that need to be understood before moving on:

That you played no role in the development/continuation of your partner's behavior and in fact, were often pursued by your partner to perpetuate the moral and social identity that they desired. All marriages have stress; all relationships have conflict. This stress and conflict is not what has caused your partner's addiction; nor is it what sustained it.

That there is a difference between what motivates addictive/compulsive behavior and that which motivates selfish, immoral behavior. And while it may be hard for you to identify which is which--and in some cases impossible--many answers can be found by looking towards the how the behavior has been perpetuated.

That the absolute best thing that you can do for yourself is to regain stability and control over your own life. To determine freely what options are available to you, so that no matter which way that you move forward, it will be through choice, rather than the feeling of being trapped.

That recovery from sexual/love addiction is not only possible, but when taken on in a healthy way, the individual often becomes significantly more stable and dynamic. They are able to contribute to the relationship in ways more consistent and devoted than either of you thought possible.

That while ending compulsive behavior may appear to be a simple matter of your partner's will, choice or moral fortitude, should they be engaged in a pattern of addiction, it is a much more complicated process to resolve. Along these lines, the more staunchly that you hold on to such a misbelief, the more instability that will remain within the relationship and your life. Recognizing the existence of an addiction is not an excuse for the behavior patterns that are associated with that addiction. It is simply recognizing a behavioral pattern that needs to be addressed in a mature, comprehensive way.

That emotion-based decisions are linked to immediate gratification--a common motivator in addiction and early healing; value-based decisions are linked to long-term fulfillment--a common motivator in making healthy transitions within one's life.

That effective communication between partners in early recovery requires safe, unconditional listening. If you are not capable of providing this, it is best that your partner seek support elsewhere.

That your partner is not the best support person for you in early healing. While you may want answers...they are not in the best position to give them. They are vulnerable, disoriented, and suffer from a significant lack of true insight into their behavior. But, with a few months of effort in recovery, they have the potential to be an excellent source for understanding and healing.

That forgiveness is a feeling, not an act. It is not required for your own healing to take place, though it can be tremendously beneficial when offered naturally.

That forgiveness is something that your partner will most likely be looking for in early recovery. The best approach is to hold off with a declaration of such forgiveness (or inability to forgive) until after your own emotions have stabilized.

That the best indication of your partner's sincerity comes from his/her actions, not his/her words. Quite often, an addict's reality is what is in his/her mind...and just the voicing of the promises and sincerity to recover is translated into perceived action. But it is not. Action in reality is what is needed for confirmation, not words.

That those partners who respond to you with anger, secrecy, accusations or similar types of 'closed' communication...often are not actively engaged in a healthy recovery.

That those who engage in open, engaging, sincere, vulnerable communication with you most likely are. Even when this communication is coupled with occasional bouts of acting out or efforts to cover-up their behavior through dishonesty.

That it is not always easy to recognize the beginning of a compulsive act. Many acts begin in the mind, not in the action. And so trying to pinpoint whether a person is using dishonesty to engage in behavior, or whether they are using it to cover-up the need to complete their 'ritualistic chain' is not always clear to anyone but the person engaged in the behavior.

That the motivation to end their compulsive behavior must come from within. There is nothing that you can say or do that will produce the motivation for them to make such a change. There is no amount of love that you can offer, no amount of guilt that you can bestow, no amount of logic that you can apply. This does not mean that such efforts by you are useless, far from it. Things like unconditional love can often provide the trigger for such internal motivation, but alone, it is not enough to end the addiction. If it helps, consider that even the most religious, spiritual people--with the sincerest of desire to stop their behavior--cannot even rely on their faith in God to stop. The motivation must come from within their own hearts, when they have no one else to answer to but themselves. It is beyond your control.

That most initial reactions to what you have been put through are akin to other traumatic events. Such reactions often parallel the stages of grief and loss, and may include such attributes as: emotional instability, intense rage, helplessness, blaming, the desire to lash out, ruminations, irrationality, disbelief, etc.

That your eventual healing will occur only with education, awareness, acceptance, and a redefinition of your own values, boundaries, skills, etc. Time, alone, does not heal all wounds. Effort must, on occasion, be made. But with a strong commitment to health, the major portion of this healing will occur within the first six months.

That your partner's eventual recovery will occur only with a recognition of his/her values, boundaries, priorities, etc., and a rebuilding of the life skills necessary to manage them. With a strong commitment and effort, this often takes up to twelve months. Without it, it may never happen.

The first lie an addict tells is to themselves, such that they eventually come to believe these lies, rendering them reality, not lies (in the skewed mind). If he is to make the transition from addiction to health, he will have to be able to make the distinction; he will have to commit to reality, and take responsibility for his behaviours.

right on!

The purpose of evaluating your partner’s recovery is so that you can maintain an awareness for those things that would otherwise throw you off course were you not prepared to manage (ie. possible slips, or disclosure, or relapse, or discovery etc.). Also, it helps you to generate awareness for your own role in the patterns that exist in your relationship. Also, each lesson builds on the previous ones, and build into the next ones. So, do make sure you return to complete the skipped over lessons, as they all have their role to play in your healing.

Great work with your vision revision!

It will be a good practice for you, each time you feel inadequate, whether it is because of something external (ie. someone said something, or looked at you a certain way) or if it is internal, to write the thought down, and then write at least ten corrective thoughts to counterbalance the automatic negative thought habit. You could even be proactive, and journal all the ways you are adequate. Begin and end each day with reminding yourself of these ways that you are. If you feel like you are failing in the big picture of things, start paying mind to the little things that you succeed at.

Much in the same way that the addict will lie to themselves such that their lies become their reality, they will also lie to themselves in terms of the potential consequences of their actions. I am sure by now that you have learned about compartmentalization. The phenomenon where an addict lives two separate lives, one public/social (the one he shares with you) and the other one secret. To put it simplistically, they believe that what they do when they are acting out only exists in that secret world: “what happens in vegas, stays in vegas” so to speak. In that sense, he did not choose his addiction over you; he did not actively seek to hurt you or cause you harm. When an addict is acting out, it’s as if nothing else exists; they are not at all in touch with the reality of their actions, nor the consequences.

Yes, as you move through other stages, things will get better. The question is asking you to consider the signs and indicators that you are not progressing through these stages, to recognize continued unhealthy patterns that could have continued effects in your life. The question also asks you to recognize the permanent impact this has on your life. For example, I used to believe my husband and I were “fated” to meet. A consequence of the discovery of his addiction is that I no longer hold this belief. For a while, it was something I had to work through, to mourn as a loss. Now, when I look back, I have a much different perspective on it, and my ideas about “soul mates” (and other such fairy tale induced ideologies) have matured and become more realistic.

This is blame-shifting, meant to induce guilt and have you question your boundary.

You are correct. Further, were it a genuine slip, it would not have unfolded as it did, neatly tucking away his weekly monitoring so that it doesn’t invade his acting out space, diverging to him shifting the tables and making it be your fault etc. etc.



I have a feeling that as long as he can get you to try to help him, that he knows he has you where he wants you and it will be a matter of time before things return to “normal”. And really, is he trying? He said he isn’t motivated to do what he should already know that he should do, that he had to have you tell him just so he could reject it. I suspect this is a common pattern for you. I understand that you want to be supportive. Are there other ways in which you can support him in his recovery, without such an involved, hands on approach? When you are invested in his recovery in this way, the biggest obstacle is that it removes his responsibility in the matter. He is using you as a crutch, so to speak, and if you don’t help him, then he just won’t get recovery. He knows that you have a vested interest in him getting recovery, so he keeps putting you in that role. It is up to you to step outside of that role, and give him back his responsibility in the matter of his own recovery. That said, do this only when you are ready, because it will be more damaging for you to continue to back down than it will to accept that you are not ready and then take action when you are.

Remember, when it comes to recovery, actions speak louder than words. He can give you all the reassurances he wants, but those are more for him (to try to convince himself that this will smooth over). At this stage, from what you have shared of his behaviours, it is highly probable that his focus is on trying to avoid consequences of his actions as much as he can.

You are doing excellent work here, gorgon. You show tremendous amount of insight and your strengthening confidence is apparent!

Be well.

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First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)