Recovery Nation

February 11th, 2012

Coach Mel,

First of all, Thank You for your feedback. It is always comforting when someone with more understanding than I have looks at my situation and gives me their outside opinions. Also, I feel like the last 6 years have messed with my ability to gauge reality, especially when it comes to my psyche, so just having someone else say that they see my increased confidence really helps me feel like I'm not just fooling myself.


This seems to be my theme of the last few days. I think J is starting to open up to me (sometimes), and now that he is, I am really starting to see just how screwed up his reality is. I'm not at all making excuses for him here, or even really feeling sympathy for him on this point, but... holy cow! His mind is stunningly twisted up. Honesty has been a big part of our discussions, and it's really intriguing to me how this works for him. He's been thinking about his issues and he told me that he is realizing that he lies to me all the time about so many things. Big things, yes. But also little things. And medium things. It's the medium things he wanted to come clean about. So we sat down and I asked for examples.

So, one lie he confessed to was that when he was at his family's house a few weeks ago babysitting our niece and nephew, he spent several hours playing video games, and he had expressly told me that he didn't play at all. Not only is this so not something worth lying about (both because I figured he was doing that anyway and was pretty angry when my questions about it were met with him saying he was "sick of the accusations", and because I actually suggested that his time there might be a good time to do that because he couldn't really do anything else there, so it wouldn't be taking away from time together, or to work on recovery, or to otherwise be productive). So this led to me asking if that happened often (because I figured that it does). I mean, did he often go over there and play video games and then lie to me about that. He said that, yes, it did. Now here is where it gets interesting. Because he lied and told me that he did not play video games, he then felt that he really did not (obviously this phenomenon is in a lot of our lessons). So, he would then actually and truly feel resentful because he "never" gets to play video games.

Here's a "hypothetical" (that happened many many times): For a long while, J was out of work. I would drag myself out of bed at 5 a.m. and work all day. He would then often wake up around 9, and tell me he was doing housework. But, in reality, he would spend hours and hours on a video game (or P). So I would work hard all day and come home expecting, let's say, a clean kitchen. But, when I walked in it would seem to me that very little had been done. He would insist that he worked on it all day, I would feel (and express) doubt at this. But his lies to me would in turn convince him that they were "true". So he would honestly feel as if he had just worked his butt off all day and then I came home and bitched at him and didn't appreciate him. Therefore "nothing is ever good enough" (for me). And, since he told me that he did not play video games, he now also really felt that he didn't even have any fun or relaxation time. So, not only did he feel under-appreciated and overworked, he was also stressed from never having down time. Meanwhile, here I am, angry that I work all day and come home to a wrecked house and a lazy partner. Then, the next day, he would get on video games because since he hadn't played at all the day before, he deserved to play now... I came home to messy house and feel resentful and frustrated... he'd lie to me about it again... then feel like he didn't get to play video games... repeat... snowball... ARGH!

I know this is in so many lessons, but I just can't get over how backwards it is and how many convoluted problems it created and perpetuated and worsened in our relationship.

Anyway, I'm sure everyone reading this is intimately familiar with this concept... I'm just rehashing it here so that I don't forget it. And because it is so convoluted yet fascinating.

The hope is that if he can learn to be honest (and I am having a hard time grasping how this is such a puzzle to him. Scary, sure. Breaking a bad habit, yeah. But how hard is it to make sure that the words that pass your lips are nonfiction!?!? But, I keep reading that it is genuinely very difficult, and I am trying to appreciate that...) Anyway, if he can start practicing honesty, then maybe he can start to be honest with himself as well. To take the example above, if he plays video games and is honest with me about it, then maybe he will then also understand that he played video games and he won't feel resentful that he did not.

Sorry for the rant. The thoughts came, and I'm trying to record and embrace all this stuff I am learning and feeling.


Yeah, now that he's volunteering info, I feel like the things I've learned so far have given me tools to understand it. Like the lessons were the brand new coloring book, and now he's filling in the colors. Before it was just frustrating. Trying to not focus on him, but then my main tool for healing made me focus on him. That said, now I'm really glad I've got the framework in place.


Picking up the thread again February 14th, 2012



Thanks. I was worried it was too lengthy and rambly. But it seems to work for me, and I guess that's most important.


Good idea. Very challenging idea.


Yes. I've been trying to do this, in the form of affirmations and whatnot. Telling myself good things about me, especially just before sleep. Honestly, the affirmations have been ringing somewhat hollow. Like they are just scripted words. I need to find a way to give them some potency. Maybe writing them will help.


Sooooooooo hard to wrap my brain around. Let alone my heart.


That makes more sense. I'll reevaluate as I work through the drafting and redrafting of my mini-vision.

I'm starting to suspect that I just recently started transitioning to the Awareness Stage. So I may rewrite that whole lesson anyway. So much to do! But it's good stuff.


I totally oversimplified his statements, and his attitude in stating them. At least at that stage in the discussion. This was actually said with quite a lot of self-recrimination and some tears. More like, "I'm a weak-willed asshole and I got horny and I was too stupid to do what I knew I needed to do. I used my horniness as an excuse, and that's a load of crap and I knew it and did it anyway. I told myself I was too weak to resist and that the weakness was okay because I was feeling weak for you, but in the end it was just me making a big mistake because I am dissatisfied and I handle that feeling like a child." (totally paraphrased, but that's the shortened gist.) It was not at all in a "You haven't put out so of course I needed something," way.

This has actually now led to him volunteering total abstinence from sex, MB, and looking at pictures of me. He confessed that up until this turning point he had continued to use pictures of me with regularity, convincing himself that these were okay. But he now thinks they were taking the place of his P, albeit in a somewhat different way (he is trying to figure out the difference, if any, but the jury's not in on that). He feels that using pictures of me was keeping the door open to doing those things that we are both sure qualify as acting out. I am relieved that my photos are not giving him his "fix," and while he is definitely struggling with the lack of orgasm he says he also thinks it is a good idea. That he is becoming more convinced of it as he sees all the effects of his abstinence piling up.

Anyway, he gave me the initial confession spiel, I think, with sincerity. But once that dulled my anger somewhat, but I continued to stand firm in my protection of myself (a threat to the addict in him), then he started hacking away at it. I don't think his opening up was meant to manipulate me, but that once he smelled my weakness he exploited it. Like my softening made his old patterns rear up. Bad habits. And then things definitely went south, and I have not forgotten the way he hurt me then. I have learned a lot from the occurrence, though, and I think I'm much better off now for it.


I agree, mostly. I will say that there are times when I know in my gut that he is trying. That at least for moment here and there he really does want to beat this. (And by a moment, I mean only mean that there are moments when I look in his eyes and I see it, not that he is only trying for a moment.) There are other moments when I see him shut down. When I see the old J in his eyes.

I've got the advantage that I actually did know him before the addiction became an addiction. We were high school sweethearts and so I knew him when P was just something he had used to enhance his self-love/satisfy his curiosity (not that I was okay with the objectifying of women that I saw in porn back then, either. I just don't think it was his all-consuming coping mechanism yet, and I'm not even sure he used it while we were together, but I assume he did). Back in the days when it was something that made him feel good, in the early addiction stages before it became so rooted in all the aspects of his life. Before life really piled mess after mess on top of him and he ran to P to help him cope. I knew him when he was emotionally open (albeit emotionally fucked up).

What I'm saying is that I do trust my gut when it tells me there is a spark there. I also trust it when it tells me he's beyond my reach.

But, regardless of what sort of moment he's having, I am also now committed to myself. There've been a lot of struggles with logistics and specifics, but I think I am finally starting to build a solid plan for these (i.e. the mini-vision). In short, my goal is to step back and watch. And I'm doing pretty good at it. And I have definitely seen that when I do step back, he steps up. If I ask about his recovery efforts, I often get grudging answers and he plays up how much he's been doing. Or, more accurately, I get told that he has already been talking to me about all that stuff, and then he grudgingly talks to me about it a little more. But if I don't ask, he actually brings it up. If I nag at him to do lessons and read forums and such, he gets muley and resists. If I don't remind him he starts doing it (and I have monitoring software on his home computer; I see that he is doing it).

It's probably got a lot to do with his appetite for rebellion. It's also been a general pattern in our relationship (and in most relationships I've been in or observed)... I chase him, he runs. I back away, he pursues me.

At any rate, the idea is to stay standing back and watching, at least until I'm damn sure he's in middle or late recovery.

I'm not sure what to do when he actually asks me for help, though. In those cases I think my instinct is generally to help. If he asks for advice, I'll give it (or point him in the direction of someone else who might be able to, if I'm unsure... even if that is just google). If he asks for me to talk him through a rough patch, I will (until it becomes too stressful for me, and then I'll tell him I am stressed and need to step back, like I did the other day with the texting... but probably quicker this time).


It's difficult for sure. Do you think I'm on the right path with the stepping back thing? (You can wait to answer this until I've posted my mini-vision, since that is more concrete.)


I could use some clarification here. What do you mean? More harmful how? By not standing my ground?


I think that was his primary motivation, but he does seem sincere in his desires now. Still, I am standing back. I am taking care of me. I KNOW I can be perfectly fine by myself. Sure, I'd love to have my "happily ever after", (not to mention to not have wasted the last 6 years... or to lose the kids... plus some vindication would be nice... etc.), but I will not settle for going back to "normal" with him.

Oh. I forgot to mention that he has actually called himself out several times now for blame-shifting, minimizing, all-or-nothing thinking, and table turning/tit for tat crap. This could be mostly because when he starts in on it I probably start looking at him like, "Really?!?! Are you seriously gonna do this? Tell me you're kidding," but still. Seems encouraging. And gives me hope that he's starting to understand his bad habits/defenses.

In Stage One; Lesson Two of the Partner's Workshop, you were asked to develop a general vision for your life. This vision focused on developing an anchor to health and stability by allowing you to identify and re-attach yourself to those areas of your life that you truly value. Now, you are asked to create a second vision. This one is more of a 'mini-vision', isolated to how you will manage your life over these next few months--through your healing (and your partner's recovery--if applicable).

The Basic Plan: the new life of me (subject to change based on how I am feeling... do I need more "me time"? Do I need more/less frequent recovery talk? Etc.)

-J and I will sit down to discuss recovery and healing progress at least on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday mornings. This conversation will probably last about half an hour, but may go longer if there is a lot to discuss. I intend to devote equal time to discussing my own healing as we do to his recovery. We will probably end up cutting down to two talks a week and eventually down to one.
[*]-outside of these appointed times, we are both free to bring things up if we want to. If I read something that excites me (such as an article I recently read about dopamine and pornography use), I'm allowed to bring it up. If he has a good moment, or a bad, he can bring it up. It is just not required outside of this time.
[*]-If either of us has a need that is not being met, that is also okay to bring up when needed.
[*]-these will not be used as loopholes to interrogate J about his recovery outside of the appointed times.

-J will manage his own recovery. I will not "nag" at him to work harder/work more. He either will or he won't, and frankly, he is less likely to work on it (more than the bare minimum) if I am nagging.
[*]-Aside from our scheduled check-ins, I won't ask him what/how he is doing with recovery.
[*]-I may point out and advise if I think he is going down the wrong path, if I believe his efforts are being misplaced. I will not order him or judge him, I will just ask him to think about the possibility and come to his own conclusion.
[*]-I will not try to get him to put in more effort.
[*]-I will mention if I think he is getting complacent, but it will be stated as, "I am worried that you might be becoming complacent. Please ask yourself if you are." I will not go on about it.
[*]-I will offer positive feedback when I see him making efforts or having insights. I will encourage him, but only when I see actions or evidence that he has been contemplating the issues.

-I will work on RN or read things about P addiction when I want to. If I don't feel like it, I won't do it. However, if I go more than 3 days without even thinking about a lesson on here, or a concrete step toward my healing, I will carefully evaluate my mental state to make sure I am not getting complacent or avoiding an issue.

-I will not obsess over monitoring, sussing out lies, etc. If I find myself obsessing, I will look at the situation and decide what should be done to fix that.

-I will fight rumination.
[*]-When it occurs, I will pause my thoughts long enough to acknowledge that I am dwelling on bad crap.
[*]-I will decide on an appropriate course of action. The act of deciding will change the rumination from something that happens to me, to something I am dealing with.
[*]-If I need to (and am able to) cry, I will. Similarly getting some exercise, listening to music, doing a craft, or getting on RN. If Angry Birds is the only viable option, I'll smash up some cartoons pigs.

-The negative self-talk and self-abuse needs to end. I will make every effort to not do this to myself.
[*]-Negative self-talk will be countered with positive self-talk, whenever possible. If I do get into that mode, I will cry it out, if needed, and get through it. Afterwards I will look myself in the eye and tell myself how much I love me, how magical and fabulous I am, etc. I will keep up this positive self-conversation as long as is practicable.
[*]-Hitting will be stopped IMMEDIATELY if it starts. This is a commitment I am making to myself.
[*]-Cutting will not start again. That is a part of my past, and it will remain there.

-I will do affirmations as often as feels right. At least once a day.

-I will think of at least one thing to be thankful for every day. And I will allow myself to feel this gratitude.

-I will actively pursue fun and relaxation.
[*]-I am currently reading a lot of murder mysteries as I find them the most distracting. I'll make sure I always have a good page-turner available should I need to forget my life for a moment.
[*]-While I am nervous about J watching any moves with nudity, I am allowing myself to watch these movies without him around. Not P or anything, just R-rated thrillers and the like. It is hard to not feel guilty for watching things without him, but I remind myself that he is the one who made nudity a questionable thing for him. It's not my addiction.
[*]-When I am home alone, I will listen to at least some loud music and I will burn incense and otherwise pamper my senses.
[*]-I will find time to dance around like a maniac at least once a week. Hopefully more often.
[*]-As J is finding new hobbies in accordance with his action plans, it gives me opportunities to find hobbies for me as well. Currently it is just beading, but I hope to integrate painting stuff, carving, and coloring in coloring books soon.
[*]-If I feel myself getting anxious, I actively consider what might help and try to get it. Do I need quiet? Am I hungry? Do I need to cry? Distraction? Exercise? Alone time? Sleep?

-J has committed to abstinence from orgasm for 3 months. While this obviously affects me as well, it is not my commitment.
[*]-I need to regain my own sense of sexuality. I need to "get my grove back".
[*]-I will not fear being "too sexy" in front of J. I will not attempt to tease him, but I will not hide my body in frumpy clothes if I don't want to.
[*]-If I feel like MBing, I will do so. I will revere my body and my sexuality as much as possible in the process.

-I am trying to rebuild intimacy with J, but I also recognize my need for safety. It is a tightrope. I will not hate myself when I stumble and fall on the wrong side. I will get up, learn from it, and keep moving forward.
[*]-I am starting to crave physical intimacy again. Not sex, due to the commitment to "reboot". But if both J and I are amenable to touching/kissing/cuddling, I will allow myself to enjoy it.
[*]-However, if I need my space, I will take it.

-I would like to start working on teamwork with J. For far too long I have felt like everything was my burden. I've felt like Atlas.
[*]-I expect that J will do a lot of the housework. I will try to remain aware of what he does, so I don't feel like he is leaving it all up to me.
[*]-For years I have felt like "the keeper" of so many things. Truth, responsibility, intimacy, communication. I felt that it was my job alone to maintain and nourish all of these things. I won't be solely responsibly for those any more. I will release my death-grip on those things. Hopefully J will step up. If not, then they weren't worth me working so hard to hold anyway.
[*]-I cannot carry all this alone anymore. Nor should I have to. I will take this burden from my shoulders and pick up the bits that are needed, as they are needed.
[*]-I will do everything in my power to enjoy my newly unburdened self.

-Dishonesty is NOT okay. For either of us.
[*]-It will not be ignored, regardless of little the lie was. It will be discussed and consequences decided on a case-by-case basis.

-I will maintain my own distance from his process. I know I will want to know all about it, but I must also accept that his journey is not my own. I can listen and learn, but the experience is his. The choice is his.

-I recognize that right now I am a mess. I have just been through some huge traumas. I am hurt. That is okay. I accept that I need time to be a mess. That my healing will happen in its own time. And that I need to go through a lot of messy, ugly, painful emotions to get to the other side. I am not wallowing in it, but I am not judging myself for not being all better yet. It took 31 years and a lot of abuse to make me what I have become. It will not be undone quickly, cleanly, or easily. The only way to really heal is to go through the entire process, explore all of its murky depths, and exorcise all of the demons. If I try to get off this rollercoaster before it is done, I'll only succeed in jumping into further injury and not resolving my issues.

-I understand that this is a process and a journey. I don't know where it will take me or when. But I know that I must take each step in whatever wacky order they tell me they need to be taken. And I know that this journey will never end. I am committed to staying on a healthy loving path.

-I must accept myself. I must learn to love myself UNCONDITIONALLY.

-I must protect myself.

-I must also, eventually, learn to be vulnerable when it makes sense.
[*]-Being vulnerable will occur when I want it. I will not open myself up to something if I don't want to.
[*]-I will not use my vulnerability as a tool to guilt J into opening up to me. If anything, I will remain somewhat closed to him until I see that he has opened up.
[*]-I will not be stupid in allowing myself to be vulnerable.
[*]-But I will not remain closed to the world forever.

-In three months, and again in four months, I will carefully evaluate the situation and my feelings about the situation. At that point I will adjust my plans as needed.



To assist you in developing this limited, practical vision, here are a few questions to ask/answer. Think about the questions in normal type; answer the questions that are italicized in your healing thread.

*Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.

I intend to stop managing his recovery (or rather, I have stopped managing his recovery, and I don't intend to start again). This is his job, and if I try to push him I will only teach him to work on this when pushed. He needs to motivate and manage himself. I will do this by not "reminding" him to do his daily monitoring or look on RN. I will not ask him 80 times a day what/how he's doing in recovery. I will confine this sort of talk to our scheduled check-ins.

If he wants to volunteer information, I will listen without criticizing or questioning how hard he is working. If he wants to use me as a resource, I will help him, as long as he asks clearly and the helping doesn't hurt me.

Tracking: Tracking his recovery? I'm not sure how to even do this. Tracking his possible acting out and his activities to check for honesty, that I will do. How much time do I intend to spend on this... probably less time than I actually will spend on this. I would like to say less than half an hour daily. Much less than half an hour. However, there will certainly be days when it takes longer. My goal is to make sure it doesn't excessively take away from time spent on my values, but to also ease the obsession and anxiety caused by not checking.

As for specifics, I do have monitoring software on the two main computers he uses. This software enables me to quickly "check up" on him, and saves me the time/trouble/obsession of pouring through his history, cookies, bank accounts, email, trash can, trying every letter in the alphabet in google on his computer to see what he has searched for, etc. But I will remain mindful of my own mental state in connection to this. Basically, the question is: do I obsess more when it is unknowable, or when some of the information is within my grasp? Do I find comfort in knowing, or is it better to not think about it? For now I think I obsess more when I can't know. But there have been times when I have recognized the need to not investigate it right then. I am learning to act in accordance with this need.

Assessing: That I will do with regularity. I don't intend to spend much time on it, but I'm sure that not a day will pass when I don't ask myself if I am seeing consistent ACTION on his part. I will also carefully assess what my own gut is telling me whenever I am making any decisions with regards to him. If I don't want to be close to him, I will step away and take care of me.

*How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?

I don't intend to spend any time secretly investigating, but I know that I probably will. My plan is to be honest with him after the fact if I do "slip" this way (within 24 hours, but probably just the next time I see him). This honesty after-the-fact, may not be ideal, but accountability is one of my values. As for managing the mistrust and doubt, I have found that distraction is the best way, but it often doesn't work. I suppose I will ask him questions (though probably not believing the answers) and "white-knuckle" through it. Also, the non-secret ways I am investigating do tend to help with a lot (but not all) of the doubt.

*What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?

NONE.

I will not subject myself to anything sexually that makes me feel bad, sleazy, objectified, used, etc. This resolve will continue after our 3 month period of abstinence ends, of course. Luckily, I'm already good at this.
[*]-This also includes any sexualized comments or behavior coming from J. If it offends or bothers me, I will let him know. Judging by his past behavior, that should be plenty to get him to stop, but if it is not, I will leave the room.

In conversation/argument if I see him turning the tables, blameshifting, or otherwise not fighting fair, I will point this out to him. If he continues, I will do what it takes to maintain my own certainty that I am a good person. This may mean walking away, or it may mean simply taking a deep breath, reassuring myself, and standing firm. I often find that thinking of myself as a momma bear protecting my inner child helps.

If he needs to vent and express anger or other negative emotions about me, I will listen and consider them. But I will no longer accept anyone's judgement of me without applying my own self knowledge as a filter.

If he starts to pull me in to his sickness (or if I start to pull me in) I will step away and consider what I need. Again, applying the momma bear/inner child idea if needed.

I will do my best to apply my analytical skills to any hurtful interactions with him. I will use my mind (rather than my heart) to figure out what is happening.

Other potentially harmful issues and attacks will have be dealt with as they come.

One particular challenge involves those moments when my gut says he is being "fake". Likely due to my own childhood issues (which involved learning how to read non-verbal signals constantly and excessively well to an almost pathological extent), this sends me into a state of near panic which leads to self-destructive behaviors. Often this perceived falseness is merely a result of him working to manage his considerable temper. This is not a bad thing. However, my instinct is to get rid of the mask whatever the cost. To push until I see what's really underneath. I believe the best method of dealing with this is to let him know what I am sensing. He may open up at that point, but he usually does not. If he doesn't tell me what's going on, or that doesn't help, I will then seek to protect myself. If I am in a situation where I can walk away for a while, I will. If I am not, I will take a deep breath and retreat inward.

*Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.

I will tolerate the following on a TEMPORARY basis (to be reevaluated as recovery progresses): (I choose to tolerate these things because my recent education on this subject tells me that many of them are normal struggles in even the most sincere recovery. I will not treat any bad behavior as if it is okay, but I won't end the relationship over it. However, should I see no consistent improvement in these areas within 3 months, I will definitely reconsider my tolerance.)
-Laziness/procrastination/"foot-dragging" on recovery work, so long as this does not become the pattern for long.
[*]-If this does happen, I will decide what to do about the situation based on my own comfort level as well as other indicators of his sincerity.
-I understand that much of recovery is about learning new skills. Therefore, struggles to implement these new skills will be met with some level of understanding. But they will, at least, be discussed. Lack of effort in implementing skills will be considered as a lack of effort and will be taken more seriously than trial and error mistakes. The skills I am willing to be patient for include:
[*]-Honesty. About minor things only. Such as video games, downtime activities, how long chores took, etc. Lying about activities blatantly related to SA will be handled differently.
[*]-Emotional management
[*]-Communication
[*]-Sexualization
-Common patterns in our relationship that I do not want to see continue will be discussed as they happen. I will be honest and assertive about my boundaries. Examples: include passive aggression, table turning, minimization, attempts to manipulate me, etc.

As for acting out, the most important element of this is honesty. If he is honest with me within 24 hours of the slip, I will treat it as a mistake and a learning experience for him.
[*]-If he does not initiate conversation about it, if he gets caught, I will not tolerate it. It probably won't be grounds to end the relationship, but at the very least he will need to leave our house, with no contact with me (unless it is a kid-related emergency) for at least 3 days/nights. This is to give ME time to process it with no interference, not to punish him.
[*]-If these slips are minimized or justified or blamed on me, I will tell him that these methods of protecting himself from the consequences of his addiction are not okay and that I won't be listening to them. I will repeat this as many times as I need to during the course of the conversation. If it starts to pull me down, I will end the conversation for a while.
[*]-If these slips happen often and seem to be getting more frequent, or if their frequency does not decrease, he will need to move out for at least one month. This is to protect myself from being with an active addict.

What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.

I'm not sure that any specific action is "intolerable". I will end the relationship if after 3 months I do not see consistent action from him. If I do not feel the secondary elements of this (passive aggression, emotional distancing, lying, general attitude toward me, etc.) have improved significantly and consistently, I will end the relationship. In short, if in 3 months I do not see that he is well on his way to becoming a "new man", I will end the relationship. I know he won't be completely healthy at that point, but (I think) he should be better enough for me to feel certain of it.

Also, since we are currently in the first few weeks of a three month abstinence, I will also reevaluate the situation at 4 months. If he is doing well at 3 months, but backsliding once sex has been reintroduced into the relationship, that is cause for concern, at least.

*How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them?

I am not responsible for his recovery. I did not create it. I did not maintain it. I will not be the one to dismantle it (couldn't if I wanted to). HE MUST DO THIS. IT IS HIS RESPONSIBILITY.

How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility--both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?

Positive:
I do try to tell him clearly whenever I notice something good that he is doing/has done/is trying to do. Perhaps once I am feeling a bit better about him, I will also be able to show it in non-verbal ways, but I am not there yet.

It is difficult to show my sincerity in this, because he seems oblivious to it. I used to struggle hard to get through to him, but for my own sake, I don't know if I can do that anymore. So, for now, I will try to clearly say, in words, how I think he is doing well. I will get specific, such as saying, "I think it's good that you did this/that. It shows that you are taking more responsibility." I will not repeat this praise over and over and over, though. I will just try to make it clear enough the first time. It is up to him if he wants to ignore it.

I also try to take up his example when he does something good. (For example, he cleaned our kitchen very well, and I have tried to be careful to keep it clean to show him that I appreciate what he did. I also thanked him, of course.)

And I am trying to smile at him more. This is something I largely stopped doing as my own confidence and happiness decreased over the years.

Negative:
I will do my best to be simple and honest and to make "I" statements. "I feel like you may be losing your motivation because you haven't done recovery work for the last 2 weeks" or "I feel you get upset about having to do household chores. I think this might be you resisting responsibility." I will then ask him to think about what I've brought up to determine for himself if it is true.

If he consistently refuses (or seems to refuse) to think about these things, I will need to evaluate. I don't think it will be a good sign for his recovery if he goes back to being dismissive of my feelings and trying to ignore his own psyche. However, if he disagrees but can justify his disagreement in a way that shows that he has thought it through, I will accept that. If I feel he is tricking himself, I will suggest that possibility and leave it up to him.

Negative observations will not be accompanied by punishment (unless he has violated one of my boundaries, and then it will merely be a matter of getting myself to a safer situation or shoring up my defenses, and I will tell him that). Punishment includes long drawn out conversations wherein I demand apology/explanation/whatever, I will try to eliminate these by being direct and then leaving it up to him to decide what to do with that feedback.

*Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs? If the latter, how much clarity do you have in determining and communicating your personal needs?

I do not use threats and rewards. I actually find myself being overly cautious in my actions lately, because I don't want him to feel like he is being punished or rewarded. It is a challenge to express my pleasure or displeasure in authentic ways without running the risk that he will interpret this as a reward or punishment, especially given the skewed way we have both learned to view our relationship.

I do share my needs as I become aware of them. It is extremely difficult to deal with when he does not have the motivation to help, but I do my best. I think distancing myself helps greatly, not depending on him for those things. As well as realizing that I am able to meet most of my needs myself.

As for clarity, I feel I am learning to be very clear. This is a learning process, getting rid of the maladaptations that this relationship has fed, learning to embrace honesty again, no longer needing to manipulate... but I feel I am getting pretty damn good at it. Once I have figured out what I need (which is often tough to do), I find that I am usually able to express it.

It is a problem when he doesn't understand, or pretends he doesn't understand. The more I have to try to find different ways to explain it, the more frustrated I get and the more I feel as if my needs are being rejected. Instead, I have been trying to state it clearly and basically a time or two, and if that doesn't work to drop the subject. Unfortunately J really doesn't like that. But that is not my issue.

*How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen?

Wow. This is a hard question. I admit I don't know the answer.

I know that if I am going to see us as a team again, I'll need to see things VERY differently than I do now. I don't think that I am healed enough yet to really be much of a teammate. I need to strengthen my own belief in myself before I have anything pure to give to our relationship. I need to learn to take better care of me. And, if it's true what they say, that you have to love yourself before you can really love someone else, well... I definitely need to do that regardless.

I don't know that I will forgive any time soon, but I need to at least shed my resentment and disgust. I will need to stop looking at J as the enemy. And need to drop my guard somewhat. But I know that I am not ready for that yet, nor is he healthy enough yet for that to be anything but a stupid idea.

There are a lot of changes that I feel need to be made in terms of how I see him. I will need to believe that he is my PARTNER, that he is committed to contributing to the relationship as well as not going outside the relationship to have his needs met. This means primarily his sexual needs, but also those of intimacy and love. I also want to feel like I am contributing to meeting his need for emotional comfort, and his need for fun. I don't know that I will feel good about myself (as his teammate) if I don't feel like I am his main source of external validation/stimulation/comfort/fun. I am not content to go back to being someone who cannot make him laugh or really draw him in to a conversation/activity.

I need to feel safe. I need to feel like if I fall apart he will be there to help me pick up the pieces, or at least he will not break them further. I need to not feel judged for the speed of my healing or the twists and turns of the process. If he can help me untangle some of the knots in my head, that would be great. But mostly I want to know he won't be getting in my way.

I will need to know that he is being responsible in general and pulling his weight in our life. I don't want to feel like his workhorse anymore, or the rain on his super happy fun parade. He needs to step up and be an adult (and I need to not have to be his damn mother any more).

I will need to feel like he is really truly deeply sorry for the pain he has caused me. I want him to eventually really SEE how he has hurt me, and to feel as disgusted at his behavior as I feel (once he has separated himself from said behavior, I mean). I want to feel like he knows how undeservedly fortunate he is that I am still around.

I believe that all the devaluing I've been through also necessitates me feeling that he admires me for the strength I have shown and the amount of crap I have put up with. I also want to feel like he finds me to be the most amazing, fascinating, smart, sexy, strong, loyal, funny, admirable, good, beautiful, and loving woman he could ever even hope to meet/see.

I will need to feel like he finally sees the objectification of women the same way I do. That he doesn't see strip clubs and porn as "just something guys do" or a male right. That if he is exposed to that he actually stops and wonders what would drive a woman to shed her dignity, that he finally sees them as people. I don't want porn to be something he gave up for my sake, but still misses. I want to feel like he is just as alienated by its coldness and stupidity as I am. I want to feel like he finally sees the gratuitous nature of all the sex-sells crap out there in our culture. Like he is aware of the unreality of the images of women we are bombarded with, and finds it kind of ridiculous.

I want to know that he prefers a real body, my real body. Like he is in a place where not only is he completely monogamous with me, but he wants to be, and enjoys the monogamy. Where ALL the sex in his life becomes an expression of love and intimacy shared with a partner he respects and sees as a whole person (or in the case of MB, at least he doesn't objectify anyone to get off). Where he sees his sexuality not just as a fun toy to amuse himself with, but as something sacred and beautiful.

I want him to be thankful that the P-using part of his life is over. Thankful that he no longer hides who he really is, and what he really feels. I want him to feel genuinely glad that he doesn't have a dual identity anymore.

As for how he can show me that he is ready to be my PARTNER, my TEAMMATE, I think a lot of that boils down to communication and creating a feeling of connectedness and an atmosphere of safety. If he is sharing insights and emotions with me that seem to come from an emotionally aware, non-shallow, honest, and loving perspective... if he shares his feelings for me with less generic-ness than "I think you are beautiful" or "You are not fat"... if he shows me his remorse through repeated heartfelt gestures, expressions of regret, and a general air of concern, love, and appreciation... if he smiles at me and laughs at my jokes... and generally expresses that he is thawing, as it were. I also need to see the actions. I'll feel confident that he is getting more responsible when I see him doing responsible things consistently.

*Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication. We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals:

I think I have discussed a lot of this already.

I know I don't want to be resentful and jealous of him anymore. I think we'll have to work together on that. I will need to not hold so tightly to those feelings, and he'll have to give me reasons to let go. If he is honest in general, I will need to stop assuming that he is always lying to me about whether he is being productive or being lazy. If he is getting things done around the house with a good attitude, then I have no reason to feel like he doesn't do chores unless under duress. Stuff like that.

As for the jealousy, if he and I can find ways to have fun together, that should greatly temper my feeling like I don't have nearly as much fun as him. (Obviously this is something I need to work on alone as well, but we're talking about teamwork.)

We definitely need to learn to communicate better. I think setting some ground rules and not tolerating it when the other person steps on those is very helpful. I.E. don't interrupt, don't turn the tables, don't invalidate, etc. Also, being able to step away for a moment when things get heated.

*Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.

In the short term, I am learning to take breaks and to close my emotional doors against those things that threaten to make things worse. I am learning to use my shield when attacked.

I think that sometimes there is nothing to be done but to allow myself a good, passionate, loud, weepy, childish cry.

Doing things to actively maintain my balance should help keep it from getting too far off balance. Just little things, like burning incense and playing music. Making sure I have a hobby or craft to turn to to distract me and bring me back into the moment. Trying to do productive things often grounds me and helps my self-esteem. Keeping up with being physically active, working out, getting endorphins and blowing off steam. Trying to think positive, look at the bright side of everyday stuff.

I have also been learning the immense value of keeping myself well-fed. If I am hungry, I am MUCH less able to fend off the blues.

*What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?

A general feeling of action (not words). The specifics that I think I will see over time are him doing things to pursue his values and action plans. Such as his plan to increase/protect his health (cutting back on soda, smoking, exercising), pursuing hobbies other than video games, and his plan to actively strive to understand his emotions better (by reading books, journaling, talking). I also think I will see him becoming more proactive/less passive in general, an increased sense of responsibility, and much deeper emotional communication than I am used to with him. I will watch to make sure these changes are consistent (with some wiggle room allowed for stress or busyness every now and again).

And while it is not a sign from him, I think that my greatest ally in determining whether to trust him is my gut. If I feel like I can trust him, then I probably can (I haven't really felt trust for him in years, I just made myself behave as I should have if I did trust him). My libido also seems to be a really good barometer. I suspect this is because it is connected to the most deeply instinctual parts of myself, as well as being connected to my self-esteem and my feelings for my lover. It is, for me, a perfect instrument to gauge the health of my intimate relationships. And, when I am honest with myself, it has never led me wrong.

*What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?

There is a look he gets in his eyes. It's cold and empty and sets off my warning bells.
If his resentment and anger increase and stay high. Unless he talks with me about the reason(s) for this.
An consistent increase (or lack of decrease) in soda consumption, smoking, or lying.
If he starts hiding from reality/emotions/unpleasantness again... repeatedly losing himself in video games/TV for long periods.
In general I believe I will be able to detect it if he starts slipping back. I have faith in my ability to recognize the return of the closed-off man I spent 6 years of my life with.

These are just some of the questions that you will want to consider and prepare yourself for. There are potentially many others. List anything additional that you feel is important in preparing yourself to face this transition in your life/relationship over the next few months.

I feel like I covered a lot. I can't think of anything else right now.

Whew! That is a long lesson.

I feel a little like I've been losing touch with myself. I guess not quite losing touch, but maybe more like getting lost. I feel like there are so many different things going on inside of me that it is impossible to sort them. Maybe that means I should just let them flow through me, and not sort them or try to remember them, but maybe they are useful.

I'm also having word issues... have been for a while, and that is really unusual for me. I don't know if it's because of the whole Broca's Area trauma thing, or if I'm just getting lost in all the messiness of my head. I think it's both. I think that for whatever reason I am struggling to find words with which to neatly organize and categorize my thoughts and feelings, which then makes then all the more jumbled, which I'm sure stresses me out more, probably then leading my Broca's Area to have even more to cope with, which makes organizing my thoughts that much harder, and so on. So maybe journaling will help me sort things out and find my words again.

Interestingly, it seems that J is having an easier time understanding me (in general) now that my words are all tangled than he did before. Before, even when I felt that I was communicating very clearly, he'd tell me quite often that I was "making no sense." I think that probably this was just another one of the ways that he would invalidate/confuse/gaslight me, and that now he's trying to not do that anymore. So that is most likely the reason. It's just strange to me now that I can be listening to myself and thinking that I make no sense, but then he will understand whatever it was I just said.



It's been another hard week. Or couple of weeks, really. There's been a lot of fighting and more and more I am feeling like there is just too much negativity for me to keep going. Like struggling through deep snow, and getting more and more tired and cold. I just want to sit by a metaphorical fire with some psychological hot chocolate and relax... but maybe what I really want is to lay down in the snow and take a short nap. I'm not sure.

I don't think the fighting is J's fault, at least not entirely. It's not even really fighting, usually. Just really long, really unhappy interactions. It's just that there will be some relatively minor issue and then it snowballs. So we end up spending hours and hours talking about bad things. Like every spare moment. And I am so tired of it. I feel like I am wasting my valuable time on negativity and pain. And I have had enough of those things. Far too much of them.

The fights often start because something will trigger me. I'll see some little thing (or randomly think of some little thing) that reminds me of his addiction. That makes me sad. Since we both value honesty and communication, I express my sadness. Sometimes he reacts in a way that helps diffuse it, but most of the time he doesn't. He'll need clarification, which makes me follow the thought further into the darkness in order to figure out other ways to word it or more details.

Or he'll say something well-intentioned, but misguided. [Example: this morning I was feeling guilty for wanting to eat junk food, feeling like I am already not skinny enough for him (which is a battle I am fighting with myself to not care, as he tries to convince me I am perfect looking), and more powerfully feeling that eating junk food in front of him would make me look glutinous, and I expressed that. His response was to keep saying that I am the only one he wants to "be in a relationship with". To me that always sounds like, "Sure, I'd love to f**k lots of other women, but you are the only one I want to have a life with." Which, when I am feeling fat and unattractive compared to the women in his porn collection, is not what I want to hear. I am not concerned with my goodness as a mate. I'm concerned with my hotness, as it were. And in this case, I think what I really wanted was for him to say, "I think you should eat both McMuffins." ...but I am aware that in the above example there are bigger problems than him not saying that I am hot while handing me food.] Leaving me feeling not reassured, and often worse.

Sometimes even I know that the best thing to do is to try to forget it and move on. But I am a terrible liar/can't hide my emotions, and if he asks what's wrong I usually feel compelled to talk to him. I think because I am seeking relief.

Anyway, the main point is that I am getting really worn down. The last 6 years have really done a number on me (as did most of the 25 years before that). I am bruised and battered emotionally by just the daily wear-and-tear of being with an SA. Then D-Day happened and did quite a lot to shatter what remained of my fragile positivity. I am broken right now. I'm trying to put the pieces back together (in an even better form than the original), but it is hard and not quick. And now there's all this erosion caused by focusing on the negative for so much of my time. I don't know how much more I can put up with, how much longer I can keep moving through this blizzard.

I need something good to help refuel. I need less resistance to my forward motion so that what fuel I do have is efficient enough. I know that is where support and fun and self-love come into play, but I am not good at fun or self-love, and support is much scarcer than I'd like.

But these interminable negative conversations get to the point where I don't even think it is possible to reach a conclusion or resolution or to feel better. Maybe it's just having more crap dumped on top of all the mess in my head, but after a while I find it hard to focus and my short-term memory goes to crap. All that I am left with is the overall impression of anger and distance and alienation and sadness and exhaustion.

But to try to limit the negativity, I am trying to figure out an effective boundary. I would say that I'll walk away from it when I start to feel bogged down, but I think I need something more concrete. So, I think that for every half hour spent in saddening or maddening conversation, we should agree to take a 5 to 10 minute break. Most likely that will mean retiring to different rooms and reading a book. But maybe that could even mean just sitting in silence and maybe being held, if that is something we both want. (Colored this bright to find it easier later)



Typing all of that about the overwhelming negativity made me realize that part of the problem is likely J's current disposition. He says he is feeling depressed, so maybe that's at the core of what feels like he is dragging me down... I don't know why I didn't think of that before. Probably too obvious.



And I'm certain that I am fighting against myself here as well. A childhood of alcoholism and physical and mental abuse, (followed by some great years in college and after of building a wonderful, confident, strong me), followed by six years of all the crap that comes from being in an intimate relationship with someone who doesn't have the skills to deal with their emotions, and the vast majority of my life has been spent being invalidated, unvalued, stepped on, lied to, abused, intimidated, and otherwise thoroughly injured. I've definitely internalized the things I was told about myself ever since I was a kid. I learned that I am stupid, clumsy, fat, embarrassing, mean, selfish, bad, unlovable, unlikable, etc. etc. etc. from my parents. Like so many of us on this forum, I was set up almost perfectly to fall into the next crappy relationship. J probably only had to exert a minimum amount of effort to get me into the place where he wanted me, the place where his addiction was safe, and I would always look like the hysterical woman he then showed me that I was. And the circle just kept feeding back into itself.

After 31 years of internalized self-hatred, self-doubt, lack of boundaries, fear, depression, and overpowering anxiety, that is what I know. I know how to hate myself. It is familiar and, in that way, comfortable. And now I am trying (yet again) to fight it. It's really no wonder parts of me keep jumping up to knock me back down.

That is, I think, a lot of what has been going on the past couple of weeks. I am getting close to breaking some old habits, and they don't want to be broken. I am fighting against myself. And the crap is fighting back. So, maybe I am feeling so depressed and easily triggered because I am making progress. The old guard is in danger and is getting more aggressive in its defense of itself. Maybe I am feeling like shit because I am winning.



In other news, J's recovery seems to be progressing, but I remain unconvinced. My gut is largely silent, but I also don't feel drawn to him. I think he is trying, but I'm not sure if it's working. Like maybe he is sincere, but still not on quite the right path. I just don't know, and until I feel sure, I won't be taking unnecessary risks for my emotional security. But I do think that my skepticism is based mostly in the past, and not the present.

For example, one of the more concrete things we agreed he'd work on was doing more housework. A lot more housework. We've been fighting about this since we first moved in together, so from my perspective, him not doing as much as I would like is the norm. So now I'm not going to believe that he is trying to do more unless I come home and see that a lot has been done. A lot is not getting done. For his part, he says that depression and lack of motivation are slowing him down, and I know from reading that these are normal side-effects of recovery. [I also know that he is not playing video games (at least not in our house) because of the monitoring and the like.] He says he's sitting on the couch trying to convince himself to get up and work. And when it was just the depression, there was still some headway in chores, but this lasted less than a week. It did strike me as just another in a looooooong line of excuses.

But now he has Shingles. I see the rash. I'm the one who "diagnosed" him. Shingles is supposed to be extraordinarily painful and it is obviously a strain on his system. But still, I find that I come home, look around, see how little got done, and can't help but think it's just more of the same. On one hand, I know I can't expect him to clean the house thoroughly when he has shingles (hell, I probably wouldn't even get out of bed). But on the other, this is just one more time when he has not done what he agreed to do. But, only time will tell. Maybe he'll get over the sickness and start impressing me with his accomplishments. Maybe not.



We have had some touching breakthroughs lately. He does express a general and consistent awareness that he is the one who screwed up. He has not pressured me to show him love or affection; he admits he wants that, but then states that he is the one who has to earn it back. Most of the time (he does have "slips" in this, but they are the exception now, and not the rule) he is as supportive as he knows how to be with my emotions.

Still, I am broken. I really want to fall into a heap in my bed and sleep for the next month. I want to check myself into the psychiatric ward and have a nice vacation with finger painting during activity hour and lounging in the standard issue scrubs. I keep trying to explain that to J. Sometimes I am incapable of deciding what to do or figuring out what I want. Sometimes even that pressure is too much. Like trying to walk on a broken leg. But I don't know where to get crutches or how to put on a cast. I need help, or at least rest.

On the recovery forum J posted about hitting a plateau, and a coach suggested that he focus on helping me for a while. And I want the help, but I don't know how. I don't know what he can do to soothe me, or nurture me, or to rebuild the positive feelings in the relationship. When J and I talk about it, I feel like I'm going to the doctor and they are asking me what I have and how to treat it. But he is not a doctor. Still, I am already carrying so much weight that I don't think it would kill him to try to learn how to help. To look it up or ask for advice. I keep hearing that there are good insights on the relationship part of RN, but I am too overwhelmed already to read them.



I'm struggling to sort out the details and practicalities of making vales-based decisions. For example, I am unsure if I am better off working out or not. I mean, I know it is physically healthy and a good outlet for stress. But I also know that I find myself focusing on exercises that make my butt perky or flatten my stomach. So, am I still playing into the whole "I'm not good enough just the way I am?" Or this morning's gluttony issue. I mean, should I eat junk food if the only thing holding me back is thinking it will make me less physically attractive? I've always prided myself on being able to eat whatever I damn well please without feeling embarrassed about it or stressing that I was gonna gain weight. I've always been opposed to the constant dieting most women seem to do. And I did say I was going to "nourish my body without caloric restriction." But I do know that junk food isn't physically good for me. The question is if it is more mentally harmful to not eat it because of visual concerns only... Oy. These are questions that I'm sure I'll figure out as I progress (and answers that I'm sure will change over time). For now, I am working out and I am eating junk food.



Ah. I know this was scattered, but I do feel better now. More clear.

A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?

Direct support (people that know about the PA situation):
[*]My best friend, "Mike". He is a certified addictions counselor, so he is actually extremely helpful and non-judgmental. He listens well, asks intelligent questions, offers comfort. So far he has done nothing disruptive.
[*]J (obviously), though his ability to support me is not fully developed (yet?)
[*]RN. So much love and support and good advice on the forums. Haven't found anything disruptive yet.

Indirect support (people that don't know, but offer me comfort if I am feeling down on myself anyway):
[*]My kids. They're kids, of course they're disruptive. But loving them helps replenish me.
[*]Coworker who is also my friend. General female support and "girl talk". Nothing disruptive there.
[*]My mother. Oh the many disruptive things... she's an alcoholic (occasionally "recovering"). She tends to criticize, ostracize, be judgmental, and generally disrupt on her bad days. On a good day, she is open, candid, loving, supportive, encouraging, and praises me. If only there were more good days. But I don't open up to her on the bad days.

B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.

Companionship:
*Pets. Lots of pets. (Nurturing them helps me feel good about myself, too.)
*Quiet time enjoying my own companionship.

Distraction:
*Reading fiction.
*Watching movies/TV shows

Sense of Accomplishment/Self-Esteem:
*School (online classes)
Feeling satisfaction at being good at my job
Volunteering somewhere (animal shelter perhaps)
*Crafts

Knowledge:
*RN Workshop
*Books about PA and healing trauma

Increasing Positive Feelings/Stress Relief:
*Music/Dancing
*Working Out
*Journaling (also falls into "Knowledge" category)

Relaxation/Pleasure:
*Food
*Good smells
*My soft bed
Laughing


C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?

I feel like I have been a part of someone's support system more often than not. I've supported my mom through attempts to dry up (rewarding when it was working, very painful when she'd fall off the wagon). I supported my brother through his divorce (I felt like it was rewarding at first, until he walked all over my generosity and left without a thank you). In those cases, I probably wouldn't be so quick to give of my time and my self.

I've supported many friends through many things. I guess it is generally rewarding when you see them improving and getting happier, and negative when they just keep sliding further downhill. It's not fun feeling like you are going out of your way to help them up, only to have them refuse to make the effort. Often just listening to them, over and over if needed, is enough, and that is usually rewarding if tiring.

So I don't know if it helps me choose better supports, but it does show me that I shouldn't expect help unless I'm willing to help myself. That said, I hope that "Mike" and J can be patient with me as I work through the moments of feeling completely shattered and just needing to do nothing but cry or be taken care of, so long as I show gratitude and eventual progress. Besides, I do most of my crying alone.

I'm not sure how I'm doing today. On one hand, I currently don't feel any crushing sense of despair. On the other, I have been feeling pretty hopeless lately. Not so much hopeless like, "it will all be a failure and I will sad forever." More like I don't even know what I'm hoping for anymore. I mean, I don't feel like I really want something to happen but don't have hope that it will. I just don't even have much enthusiasm for wanting anything. I'm getting colder and colder, less and less attached to my life, to J, to much of anything. Getting numb.

I'm not sure if this is bad, or good, or what. I just hope it is natural, and, most of all, temporary. It goes so against who I have always been at my core. I've always had so much hope in me. Even when I was living through the worst parts of my life, there was always an intense flame inside me burning for something better. Now that flame is tiny and weak. I don't want it to go out. That flame drove me forward. Sure, it made me cry myself to sleep plenty of times with the longing for what I didn't have. But it kept me from ever being broken (in the sense of breaking a horse or a spirit).

Then again, what I'm feeling might be acceptance, which is pretty foreign to me. Acceptance might be good. It might help me get through this trauma. But it doesn't feel good right now. It's not like I accept what happened and am moving forward. It's like I accept that my life has been shit and will continue to be shit. Like my best option for coping with said shit is just to roll with the punches.

But maybe I'm just too tired right now to fight anymore.

I don't feel like I lack my own goodness, strength, etc., I just can't bring myself to care. But, at least I'm stubborn enough to hold myself to my values and vision to the point where I'm not allowing myself to be crushed under a steamroller. I don't feel like fighting the steamroller, but I know I can't just lay down and take it. So, with a weary sigh, I stand up against it and hope that I don't eventually lose even the stubbornness to do that. I don't have the will, the motivation, but I do at least have the ability and the understanding of what must be done. I'm standing my ground, but all I want to do is sit down and give up on everything.

Yeah, I hope it is temporary.

As for J's recovery, he hasn't been doing much on RN lately (and RN is the only recovery program he is involved in), but he does seem to be making good choices and trying to live his values. His shingles is clearing up, and he has spent a lot of time working on housework. He hasn't been being lazy or playing video games, and I have no evidence that he is acting out. That said, he is also distant. He says that right now he just feels empty. That he's not showing emotions because he isn't feeling much of anything. I (and he) have read that this is a normal stage in recovery. So, hopefully he'll "outgrow" it.

In an attempt to shake up my own numbness and distance, I've been trying to create some warmth between us. Hoping that maybe getting some oxytocin flowing will help me feel less isolated, perhaps. Not sex, but maybe cuddling or massage or something. But, now that I am trying to open myself up to touch, he is numb. And since I am numb, too, we just end up sitting there saying how maybe we should try to cuddle, but not doing it.

Again, I think it would be good if this were temporary. (Hope is too strong a word tonight.) I would like to feel warmth and love again. And I am vaguely fearful that I will close myself off permanently from J. I think I would like to fall in love with him again someday, and I fear that I may lose that capability. Maybe that's a silly fear. I hope that it is.

Instead, I have found that I feel immense warmth toward my favorite cat and the most affectionate of our pet rats. (We have 13 of them, and they really are wonderful pets. Very excited to get attention from people. Smart. Loving. Much like tiny little dogs.) At least that's something.



As for my dilemmas of eating and working out, I have been feeling pretty good about these things. I've lost close to 20 pounds since d-day (I'm 5 ft 8 and went from 160ish to 142, so I'm not in the realm of being unhealthily skinny, but I'm also probably not unhealthily fat at 160), much of which was due to depression and shame and thus not eating, but I'm sure a lot of it was also due to having been diagnosed with hypothyroid and put on meds about a month before d-day.

I also forced myself to stop working out for the whole month of January in order to try to deal with the body image issues that I most often coped with by doing body sculpting moves. (I.E. if I felt like my stomach was fat, I would comfort myself by telling myself I would work my abs extra hard, and then by doing so. My stomach usually still looked and felt the same, but I'd just keep ramping up the exercise so that I could at least feel like I was trying.) I figured that maybe the obsessing about how I would exercise as a way to comfort my body image issues was a way to avoid facing the issues themselves. Like treating a case of body dysmorphia by trying to change the physical aspects and not the mental. Anyway, without the muscle-building exercises I'd been doing regularly for 8 or 9 years, I'm sure I lost some muscle mass, and thus, weight.

But some of the curves I did like about myself are fading. And I have long wanted to look and feel muscular (before the relationship with J started). So, I'm experimenting with workouts now. Got some weights and resistance tubes (can't bring myself to work out in public, so a gym is not gonna happen). I'm enjoying how much more gratifying it feels to work my muscles against more than just my body weight.

And, I am eating like a fiend again. And enjoying it.



One of my goals was to feel appreciation for things that give my pleasure. To that end, here are some of the (mostly silly little) things I have found to feel thankful for:
Squirrels
Good books
Art, and the way I feel when I contemplate it (because I don't get most of it, and I like to feel puzzled about those sorts of things)
Weird factoids and trivia
Spicy food
Really good sleep
My house and its 1950 style and solidity
Being really good at my job
Learning
Girl Scout cookies
Ice cream
Rats
Music
Distracting TV shows
Really good beer
My general health
Many people (but not all, because most people annoy me)
Good smells and my ability to enjoy them
How I feel when I am productive



I'm still struggling with affirmations. I try to do them (and try and try), but they just feel hollow and scripted. But I'll keep trying.



Anyway, this is my progress report to myself, and stuff I want to remember. As usual, I feel more clear now that I have written this.

A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.
In no particular order:
1. Global/ecological/philosophical responsibility. (I.E. reducing my carbon footprint; being kind to animals, children, and the less fortunate; not being a selfish jerk in general to strangers.)
2. Sensitivity to myself and my needs.
3. Sensitivity to others and their needs (insofar as they don't cause me to neglect myself).
4. Love for animals.
5. Knowledge and the quest for such.
6. Enjoyment. (I.E. good food, sensuality, fun, laughter, etc.)
7. Enthusiasm.
8. Uniqueness.
9. Attitudes and beliefs generally associated with liberal politics. (I.E. Feminism, equal rights, gay rights, environmental concern, social welfare, peace)
10. Strength.
11. Kindness.
12. Love.
13. Spirituality.
14. Weirdness/Strangeness/Quirkiness.
15. Confidence.
16. Delight.
17. Leaving the world a better place.

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?
[*]I think staying in touch with these things will help me value myself and my life.
[*]When in doubt, running my decisions through these criteria should help me choose the right thing.
[*]A lot of what I am trying to do now is to get back in touch with any of these values, and if I can do so (enjoyment, enthusiasm, love, etc) I think my life will become more pleasant for me.
[*]Valuing these things about myself should help me feel better about me and face challenges with a sense of confidence and worthiness.
[*]If I can see myself as a delightfully weird, strong, unique, kind, loving woman, I will also see that I did not deserve the pain J's addiction has caused me, and it is was not at all due to anything lacking in me.
[*]If I can remain aware of my own wonderfulness, I have hope that I can shape my life into what I want it to be.


C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar? They should be. In fact, they should be practically identical--with your vision serving as a narrative for the list you have here. If they are not, change whichever is inconsistent with the life that you want to lead. Your vision must be forged from your core values or you will continue to struggle with imbalance and chaos.
I think it is consistent. Love and Kindness may be the only questionable elements, but I think that is due to skewed perception. If I believe that love and kindness require me to sacrifice myself on the altar of J's dysfunction, then they are contradictions to my vision. I need to learn to be loving and kind, while being strong and confident. To be loving and kind to myself as well as others.

"He has achieved success who has lived well, laughed often and loved much; who has gained the respect of intelligent men and the love of little children; who has filled his niche and accomplished his task; who has left the world better than he found it, whether by an improved poppy, a perfect poem, or a rescued soul; who has never lacked appreciation of earth’s beauty or failed to express it; who has always looked for the best in others and given them the best he had; whose life was an inspiration; whose memory a benediction." -Bessie Stanley, 1905

As of a couple of days ago I discovered (caught) that J was still lying to me about stuff. Not direct SA stuff (as far as I know), but rather "little" stuff. The only admission I have gotten from him for sure is that he has been lying about playing video games, but his tone of voice (and my own reading between the lines) seems to imply that there are other things as well and that he is working on finding the courage to confess them. Meh. Right now I don't really care too much about that. Right in this moment that's not what's on my mind.

I've gotta make this a quick one, because I have an appointment soon.

As a progress report (and to help me remember later), I have to say that I'm doing pretty good today. My general habit in life has been to not take the best care of myself. I tend to procrastinate on general me maintenance. I mean, I don't get my hair cut until I absolutely have to, I go to the dentist once every year or two, stuff like that. Throughout the course of this relationship, and especially after December's d-day, that has gotten worse and worse. But thanks largely to RN and rediscovering my own worth, I have become determined to actually use up my flex money before it expires this year, and to just treat myself good. This has led to a dental checkup and cleaning, a long-overdue trip to the optometrist (and treating myself to some sexy/nerdy/50's-ish glasses), and today a haircut... when I could pass without a trim for a couple more weeks at least (but not feel like I looked my best). I guess this is just exciting to me because I am feeling spoiled and pampered, and I did it all for myself.

I've also noticed that there seems to be a trend going on since this d-day: the more blatantly J screws up, the more strength/determination/self-esteem I find in myself. This is a direct contrast to the last 6 years. So the recent discovery of lying, while upsetting, actually left me feeling better about myself. Maybe it's just that when he obviously does something wrong, I feel more sure that this is not my fault. And when I see him trying to reduce me, I realize that it is not my fault that I have become so pathetic (for lack of a better word).

So the more he makes himself look like an ass, the more I see my own value. (Thanks RN!)

Ugh. Gotta run. Bummer. But I'm stoked to get my salon haircut.

Exercise Seventeen

A) In Stage Two; Lesson One, you created proactive action plans for three values to help you begin the process of stabilizing your life. You now need to expand this to the remaining values listed in Exercise Sixteen.

B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those remaining values.

D) List the 'next two or three steps' you will take to begin strengthening each value. Note: you will not be expected to begin taking all of these steps. The goal here is to gain clarity in what steps to take and to have a plan of action ready for times when you have either lost focus or have some extra energy.

My Values from exercise 16, in no particular order:

1. Global/ecological/philosophical responsibility. (I.E. reducing my carbon footprint; being kind to animals, children, and the less fortunate; not being a selfish jerk in general to strangers.)
[*]Recycle, and go above and beyond in my recycling by going through the trash at work (when possible) and moving the recyclables into the bin.
[*]When boarding the bus, let others get on first, especially if they are elderly or visbly disabled.
[*]Give donations (when possible) to the causes I care about. Remember that even a small donation is helpful.

2. Sensitivity to myself and my needs.
[*]Do not invalidate myself by words or actions.
[*]Try to be aware of my own needs. (If I am not feeling good, try to figure out why. Regularly evaluate my state of mind.)
[*]If possible, fix whatever is bothering me. If not possible, figure out what I can do instead (cry if needed, get myself some alone time, distract myself).
[*]Try to be aware of if I am hungry and eat if needed. This often seems to be the cause of "mysterious" grumpiness.

3. Sensitivity to others and their needs (insofar as they don't cause me to neglect myself).
[*]Listen to what others say.
[*]Ask sensitive questions (how do you feel? is there anything I can do?).
[*]Check in periodically with those I care about.

4. Love for animals.
[*]Take good care of my pets. Make sure they have clean water and healthy food which they enjoy. Make sure their environments are kept clean.
[*]Play with my pets and show them love.
[*]Keep working on Vet Tech classes. Remember how bad I want work with meaning.

5. Knowledge and the quest for such.
[*]Keep working on Vet Tech classes.
[*]Use the dictionary function on my Kindle whenever I see a word I don't know.
[*]Read non-fiction occasionally.
[*]Watch documentaries occasionally.
[*]Do things to stimulate my mind (play trivia games, Scrabble, etc.)

6. Enjoyment. (I.E. good food, sensuality, fun, laughter, etc.)
[*]Figure out things I enjoy (make a list?).
[*]Engage in those things when practicable.
[*]Allow myself to enjoy them without guilt. (Question this if it contradicts another value, such as global/ecological/philosophical responsibility.)

7. Enthusiasm.
[*]Find and do things that excite me and make me feel happier.
[*]Allow myself to FEEL this excitement and happiness.
[*]Allow myself to express this excitement and happiness.
[*]Do not hide my positive feelings (unless they are totally inappropriate to the situation).

8. Uniqueness.
[*]Do not consciously act in a way that does not fit with who I am (except at work).
[*]Do not hide who I am (except at work/funerals/other situations where it is inappropriate to wear Halloween shirts/show off my leg hair/talk about non-human primates).
[*]Even at work (service industry), find ways to express myself within the confines of the rules. Bright nailpolish, my monkey lapel pin, silly humor, etc.

9. Attitudes and beliefs generally associated with liberal politics. (I.E. Feminism, equal rights, gay rights, environmental concern, social welfare, peace)
[*]Be flexible in this. Try to learn about a given political/philosophical movement before espousing my support. If it makes no sense to me, don't jump on the bandwagon.
[*]When possible use what power I have to stand up for what I believe (i.e. not eating chicken, boycotting supporters of SOPA, educating my peers about the Occupy movement).
[*]Live my own life based on those values. Act in accordance with my political beliefs.

10. Strength.
[*]Do not allow myself to be trampled by other's treatment of me.
[*]If I must crumble, do so as a conscious choice and a temporary break. Fall apart with the intention of putting myself back together when I am done.
[*]Remember all of the things I have already been through, and look at how well I've done. Don't forget that I am very strong.

11. Kindness.
[*]Be kind and gentle with my pets and children.
[*]Be considerate of others.
[*]Smile at people, and do little things to make people's days better.
[*]Do occasional extra kindnesses, such as random gifts for people I care about, giving leftovers to homeless people, thinking of ways to contribute.

12. Love.
[*]Work to develop and strengthen my self-love. (Affirmations, spoiling myself, not invalidating or judging myself, nurturing myself.)
[*]Spend quality time with those I love.
[*]Try to be understanding, to remember that those I love are doing the best they can with the tools and skills they have. Try to embrace the positive steps they take, rather than dwell on the negative.

13. Spirituality.
[*]Send little prayers and thank yous out to the universe whenever I think to.
[*]Try to reconnect with nature and perhaps put a face/name on faceless forces (i.e. see Zeus in a thunder storm, see lots of birds in my yard as the universe saying hello.)
[*]Set up my altar.

14. Weirdness/Strangeness/Quirkiness.
[*]See "uniqueness".
[*]Give new quirks a chance.
[*]Give old quirks a chance. (When was the last time you sang to a gummy bear?)
[*]Wear hats more often.

15. Confidence.
[*]Try to do things that scare me.
[*]Take pride in my successes, and in having had the courage to try.
[*]Learn new skills and strengthen old skills. (New recipes, making crafty stuff)
[*]Fake it until I make it. Walk with my head high and a confident stride.
[*]Stop translating my anger at being "cuckolded" into shows of how inadequate I feel.

16. Delight.
[*]Find things to enjoy.
[*]Enjoy them without shame.
[*]Laugh. Find things that make me laugh and let myself laugh.

17. Leaving the world a better place.
[*]Do my best to reduce carbon footprint.
[*]Help others by volunteering, doing favors, giving to charity.
[*]Maintain and improve my house and garden.
[*]Try to instill self-love, kindness, and confidence in my kids.

These are the things that were already on my list. I'd also add:

Taking care of my body:
[*]Work out at least twice a week, more if possible.
[*]Take my prescriptions on time, and take my vitamins regularly.
[*]Take my metamucil.
[*]Do not starve myself. Eat when hungry.
[*]Brush teeth every day before bed.
[*]Keep up with doctor and dental visits.

A lot of this seems pretty impractical. I mean, it's not concrete resolutions, like "do this on these days," but that's because when I picked the values in the last lesson I wasn't thinking in terms of stuff I need to improve, so much as what values would exemplify my ideal self.

Also, since these are "core values" a lot of them are things I already have firmly in place in my day-to-day life, and I'm not sure how to strengthen them. For example, I already recycle without thinking twice. I thinks it's important to me to keep doing it, but that doesn't mean I can think of ways to do it better.

I might add to this later. I'll see what the next couple of lessons have to add.

I think I have journaled some about this before, but these are the things that are on my mind this morning.

I keep having revelations about how degraded my opinion of myself became over the last 6 years. It makes me sad, thinking of how little I liked myself. And it makes me angry because my "partner" did that to me just to keep himself comfortable. But mostly it makes me glad that I am finally in a position to see these things. Things that it never even occurred to me to question now jump out at me almost daily.

The one that most recently set this off was listening to a song about a dysfunctional love affair. The singer is saying how controlled yet neglected they feel, how they are basically a victim of their lover. I've heard this song many times, and I always thought something along the lines of, "that's how J must feel, because I'm such a bad partner." Always casting myself in the roll of the villain. And never even questioning that assumption. Just one more example of how much I have internalized all this shit. (Pardon my language, but that is what it is. "Crap" is not a strong enough word.)

This led to thinking about all of the work I've been doing to try to fix my psychological issues (not the recent work, the work before). All the self-help books I've bought, and the trying of different meds and supplements. I wholeheartedly bought in to the idea that I was broken, and J was pretty much a saint for putting up with me. This is not to say that I don't have issues (or that all of my issues are borne of this relationship), because that is certainly not true. But now I know that a lot of the things I thought needed fixing weren't actually broken.

For example, I would often panic and "freak out" when J's non-verbal signals were sending a message of anger or coldness but his words were saying that he did not feel those things. This led to both of us deciding that I have anxiety issues and paranoia. So, basically, I was labeled as a little bit crazy for thinking that J was hostile/distant. For overreacting to signals that he wasn't sending, seeing things that were not there. Now I know that I was not wrong. I was reacting to something real. Not reacting in the healthiest way possible, but still not being paranoid.

All the time and money I could have saved if I hadn't tried so hard to chase down a cure for my anxiety and depression and low-libido and body dysmorphia and so on. How different would things be if I hadn't just gone along with believing that I was the problem...? (this is rhetorical)

Which is another issue that I've been semi-grappling with. I now feel really intensely vindicated. I look at things in the past now, and I think, "I was RIGHT! All along, I was right." Years of having my most central feelings invalidated and disproven... Years of automatically condemning my own perceptions of J's behavior... Years of having my emotions rejected... Being treated like a gold-digger for wanting birthday and Xmas presents... All the times when we had plans, but right before them something would happen that made me panic, that panic was then treated with cruelty, and I fell apart, and I therefore always wrecked our plans... Being told I was hysterical... Treated like my emotions made me incapable of rational thought... All of the cruelty, over and over, was real. But my suffering was handled as if it was my fault... Being told I was selfish... Stupid... That I couldn't function... Told over and over that I had "trust issues"... And that I could never let anything go... Believing that all of our problems were all my fault...

And now

Finally

I know that I was right.

I know that J seemed to be hiding his emotions, because he was. I know that I was not crazy. I know that he was lying, and invalidating, and manipulating. I know that I was not wrong.

And this vindication feels really good. Maybe too good. I mean, now I see him trying to fuck with my head every day. And now I don't hardly consider whether or not I might be "imagining" it, or if it's my fault. Now, whenever we argue, I go in with the confident assumption that I am right. He tries to say that I did this or that wrong, that I am off base, whatever, and I barely bother to consider if maybe he's right. Because now I AM RIGHT. And even if I'm not right, I am the one who gets to decide that. I'll apologize when I feel like I should, and his constant criticism doesn't change that. I have gone from approaching all of my emotions as if they were wrong or overblown or misplaced or just dysfunctional, from seeing myself as the main enemy/obstacle to finding joy in our relationship, to looking at his faulty behaviors (especially those that seem to be supporting behaviors of SA) and seeing them as, well, faulty.

I guess the downside of my realizing that I am not the problem (and probably never was) is that now I see him as the problem. (Okay, not really him so much as his bad behaviors, but there's just so many of them and they are so frequent. I mean, not so long ago he was undoubtedly an active addict with all that that entails, and now, at best, he has a lot of bad habits to break. I guess I am saying that I see the addict parts of his personality as the problem, but that I have not yet separated him from the addiction, as it were. Then again, neither has he.) Anyway, in a lot of ways I now feel like I am better than him. Better is too general a term. I mean that I feel healthier, more knowledgeable, more mature, a better communicator, more self-aware, etc. But my ego has done a 180.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm getting carried away by suddenly seeing how valid I am. By having all the weight of all the blame lifted from my shoulders. By going from my own worst enemy to the president, treasurer, and secretary of my own fan club.

But maybe it's just that any confidence feels so extreme after how sad and broken down I had become. My best friend assures me that it is okay to feel this way. When I was expressing my doubts about its okayness, he proposed a toast and told me he was really happy to see me finally feeling this way.

After I wrote that last entry I read the next assignment... Aha! Seems to be very closely related. Gives me a lot to think about.

So, I sat down and started to work on exercise 18, but answering the first question got me angry, so I ended up venting instead.

Exercise Eighteen

A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?
Just today J and I had a very clear value collision. I was feeling rather sad, uninvited thoughts of his acting out having gotten into my head (visuals of the girls he choose, questions of where he told me he was going when he really went to the newsstand, details like that). I expressed this sadness, cried a bit, asked a few questions (each answered with an "I don't remember") and finally decided that I wasn't going to get any benefit from going down that path right then. I explained that (albeit briefly) and got myself some emotional distance.

I went online to handle some work stuff I needed to get done today, and he started storming around. I asked him if there was anything I could do for him, and he had no answer, so I went back to what I was doing. After a little while of him stomping around the house, he flopped dejectedly onto the couch (in the same room as me) and kept sulking. I asked again if there was anything I could do and he just said that I should tell him what to do. I explained again that I was trying to do the healthy thing and not get stuck feeling sad about things that we couldn't undo, that I was trying to move on with my day and do what needed done, so that I could eat something and get to bed early (because I have been shorting myself on sleep all week, and am feeling like crap because of it). I asked him what he wanted to do, and he had no answer. I suggested that he find himself something to eat, but he didn't like that idea. I suggested he go to bed (couch), and he didn't like that either. So, I went back to what I was doing.

After another 5 to 10 minutes of him pouting on the couch, I figured that maybe he needed something from me, so I saved my work up to that point and closed my laptop. I asked him what was up. His answer was that he felt "sad and alone" in a rather pissy tone of voice. At this point my patience was already stretched thin, because I felt like I had tried to do the right thing and he just wouldn't let me be. And, having been previously fighting off a case of sadness thanks to his past actions, I really wasn't feeling too charitable (I mean, it sucks he feels sad and alone, but how the hell does he think I felt being constantly lied to? Emotionally rejected? Cheated on? I know what sad and alone feels like. He isn't the only one hurting). His grumpy pouty attitude when he said that was enough to pull me out of my detachment. Like a kid asking me to come out and play, but then throwing rocks at me when I walked out of the house. I tried being sympathetic, but he kept pouting. I tried soothing/comforting him, but to no avail.

From my perspective it seemed very much like he put his feelings out there and then wouldn't let me help, but nor would he let me take care of myself. He expressed some vulnerability and then immediately slammed the door in my face. I try to be patient with him, just like I do with the kids... but even with them there is a limit to my patience. Besides, he is not a child! I got angry. The very idea that he could sit there and waste my time... sabotage my attempt to detach myself from the pain of something I will never be able to undo or forget... Argh! So, after at least 45 minutes of struggling to keep my cool, I finally gave up. He'd gotten so far under my skin anyway, that I certainly no longer felt calm or detached.

And I told him so, as calmly as I could manage (which was pretty calmly, all things considered). This is when he started in on his ever-popular lecture about how I don't treat him with respect. How I talk to him in a disrespectful way. Really, by then, I didn't give a shit. I had tried (and tried and tried) to offer him comfort and companionship, even against my better judgement. And then it was supposed to be my fault that he felt bad!?!

And all his talk about how I don't respect him... there are so many things about that that really make me mad.
[*]If I interrupt him, it is disrespectful. If he interrupts me (and he does, over and over, until I finally give up on talking), it's an accident.
[*]If I even raise my voice slightly, I am being threatening/hostile/disrespectful. Yet he can go from talking semi-calmly to shouting insults (and declarations of how little he cares) at me at the top of his lungs in .3 seconds flat if I hit the wrong nerve. (and sometimes I really wonder if he doesn't enjoy embarrassing us to our neighbors.)
[*]He criticizes me (what feels like) constantly. Instead of saying that he didn't understand what I said, he gives me a mini lecture on how my grammar is bad, my choice of words is poor, or how I am just a bad communicator in general. Instead of asking me to move over, he tells me how impolite it was for me to be wherever he wanted me to move from. Is that respectful?
[*]And was it respectful to cheat on me? To LIE to me almost every day for 6 years? To bring his sleazy sexual desires into the house that I bought for our family? To use my personal computer to look at P?
[*]And, honestly, No, I don't respect him. I try to treat him with respect, but I do feel like his actions have shown him to be mind-bogglingly childish, selfish, shallow, and amoral. And, yeah, when he is stomping around like a child, pouting at me like a child, demanding all of my attention all of the time LIKE A CHILD, I don't have an easy time treating him like an adult.

Anyway, it then degenerated into a big fight. And this has now turned into a venting session.

But it is a value conflict. He wants respect, but I don't respect him right now, and I value honesty. In this case, I feel like it is more important to do the decent thing and try to treat him with respect. To try to treat him like I have faith that he is working hard to become the man that I know he can be.

Another conflict that arises often is his need for attention and comfort, but his inability to ask for it in a mature way, conflicting with my need to make efforts and take time to take care of me, as well as my desire to not play his passive-aggressive games. That one I take on a case by case basis. Sometimes I do have the time and patience to humor him (but still let him know that there are better ways to get my attention). Sometimes I don't and I try to be gentle but firm about it. Most often, I try to meet his needs and it turns into a big mess. I guess I just need more practice deciding when and how to compromise on this sort of thing.

Which makes me think about the nature of compromise. I know it has come up on the support forum (perhaps not in identical terms, but I think the idea is there) a few times... and it is tragicomic how "compromise" has worked in my relationship (and probably most of us on here's). I think that compromise has come to mean that I will sacrifice a lot to get a little. Example: I will deal with feeling bullied and disrespected if that is what I have to go through to express my feelings, AND I won't even be listened to seriously. So I go through all that, just to be able to say things out loud to something other than a wall (though, let's face it, the wall is often more satisfying). And in the end I would feel like he'd done me a big favor and I'd imposed on him.

Or if he gave up a little bit of gaming time, it was a big huge deal. I would end up feeling grateful/guilty and thus would end up giving him my blessing for way more gaming. And, it just so happened that often he hadn't even given up the gaming time to begin with.

Or, I pay the mortgage and all the utilities every month. Singlehandedly. If we are too strapped for groceries or something, it goes on my credit card, which I also pay. But, on the rare occasions when I couldn't make ends meet, I would ask him to loan me a little, and I would feel like a damn mooch for doing it.

Or when we do something that I want to do, such as visit my mother, or go shoe shopping (I don't drive, so doing these things alone is a major pain with public transit, though still possible), or work on the lawn and garden, there is so much pouting that the whole thing is usually not worth it. I feel like I have to put up with it as part of the compromise of him going with me, but in the end I have just all but stopped doing those things (except the lawn and garden) because I can't enjoy them when his attitude sucks so bad, anyway.

And that's not even the directly SA-type compromises we have made (though, thankfully, I have retained my dignity and not done anything I wouldn't have done anyway).

OY!!!

Okay, I feel better now after getting this stuff out of my system.

By the way, these are the bad moments, and any of these things haven't happened recently. We are having more good moments and he really is making an effort to be more emotionally open. He's even learning to be romantic. I would write about that stuff now, but it seems minimizing to tack it on as an addendum to my griping.

We would heal so much faster if our partners were capable of having some empathy for this. I am finally just getting this now (been here almost 4 years) I literally have had to teach my husband how to do this. Yesterday, I was able to tell him about a trigger and how it made me feel, without it turning into "all about him".

This is SOOOOOOOOOOO unhelpful.

I'm so proud of you! It's taken me years to learn how to do this instead of "taking the bait"

It is sooooo difficult for them to endure the pain they have inflicted on us.

You are doing a great job, recognizing this selfish immature behavior. nellie james calls it the pity pot. Like you, my instinct is to respond by helping them understand me. Seems to me that that is the last thing they want to do, when they are too busy feeling sorry for themselves.

Yes ... this is so hard for us, because we know what it means to be vulnerable and we know what we want when we are feeling vulnerable. Your partner is so very emotional immature, so he cannot handle his own vulnerability. Kind of a pull you in, so that he can push you away. Your ability to recognize this and already enforce some boundaries here is most impressive.

This is so typical, and so maddening and frustrating. If they do this for enough years, this will be harder to forgive than all of the acting out.

This is fabulously thought out. Doesn't make it any easier for you, but I applaud your insight and your strength and your committment to your values. You are on the right track here, with your boundaries. You just need to fortify them a bit more, so that you don't get sucked down that spiral of being the guest of honor at his pity party, and then trying to get the DJ to play a different dance!

Again, you've really got great insight. It sounds like you are very ready to redefine the meaning of compromise.

It is very healthy for you to recognize, and also very healthy that you gave yourself permission to not post about that, when you were really working on processing all of the baggage that was most bothering you in the moment. It would be a fine idea for you to post some of the healthy and positive stuff that you see, as a reminder to yourself what the good moments look like.

You are Strong and Wise and doing a great job!
Minerva

Today I feel lonely.

I'm writing here because I want to connect with someone, even if that is just the future me who will come back and read this later.

I feel so alienated and hollow. I can't even say I'm in pain, more of an absence. Normally I feel very ambivalent; today I am apathetic.

Yesterday I found proof of another slip. But right now it just feels like another drop in the damn bucket. It wasn't anything new, behavior wise. Just a downloaded photo/video set of some nubile thing masturbating explicitly. Right up his alley, as it were. And this slip actually occurred before the one I watched remotely in real time back in February, so nothing incredibly shocking time-line wise. And it was his normal kind of girl. She was young, like they all are. She was thin, like they all are. She was happy, like they all are. All smiles and ecstasy. Happy to please. Happy in general. Not like me.

So nothing new. Just another fucking lie. Another other woman. Another reason not to believe a damn thing he says to me. Another drop in the stupid bucket that our relationship has apparently always been. Another little bit of insignificance and deception and indignity.

I called him on it, told him what I found. And he says he doesn't even remember it. (drip) Agrees that he must've done it, but can only remember the one slip. Says that he didn't even recognize her name. (drip) And then says, "you're acting like it happened yesterday." (drip) As if it should be okay to uncover another transgression, and the lie that goes with it, as long as it was in the past. And definitely not grasping the concept that finding another lie makes me doubt everything else he says just a little more.

And today I am lonely. I feel so isolated. Isolated by choice, for my own sanity, but still lonely.

I had a really rough, but interesting, night at work. And I kept thinking how I was gonna tell my "best friend" about it... only to realize a second later that I don't even know him. That I have no desire to come home and gripe about everyday mundane work crap to someone who just keeps lying. I feel like I've wasted all my everyday mundane talk (not to mention my confidences and intimacies) on a stranger. Lonely.

But at least I can come here. It's pretty sad that I feel like the people of the partner's board know me better, and care about my intricacies more, than my "partner" of 6 years. Sadder still that I find more insight into his behavior and inner-workings here than I get from him.



And now it's time for a rant. Because I am getting less numb. It feels better.

I am so tired of hearing him try to convince me that I look just like the women he pursues images of. I am not blind. Maybe (definitely) my body image is warped, but I am sure that I don't look like them. I used to fine with not looking like that. I'm trying to be fine with it again. But his efforts to reassure me of my attractiveness by telling me that to him I look like a slender, smooth, unblemished, 18 year old (who in turn really does look like a 15 year old, minus the hair in funny places), are really not helping. I know that my belly is soft and a little convex; I don't want to hear that it's okay because it looks to him like it's rock hard and concave. I know that my training bra days are long past and my breasts no longer stand at attention like they were born yesterday; I don't want to hear that I'm just a perky as the cast of your "tits" folder. And, for fuck's sake, if every woman in your "pussy" folder is shaved bald, if almost every photo set you bothered to save features a total lack of body hair, don't act like there's no pattern. Don't try to convince me that all porn is that way (because I googled it, and there are plenty of sites out there that cater to the "bushy" look, and "bushy" these days still means well groomed. If I could find them in just a few minutes, you could've found them in your hours and hours of near-daily surfing). My buns are not of steel, and I want to believe that my softness is what you want; don't try to tell me that the "nice asses" you had saved look like mine, because they don't. I'd probably require surgery or steroids to look like that. And don't tell me I am your "type", when I have seen many of the hundreds of other women that you chose to look at despite what you promised me, and THEY DO NOT LOOK LIKE ME!!! Don't act like you cannot see the differences.



I also find the whole idea of his usual masturbation porn (by that I mean P wherein the star pleasures herself) really ironic, and his enjoyment of it to be evidence that he has no idea what real women are all about. I mean, I masturbate. I enjoy it. But I do it for me. That is what it is about. He gets off on these scenarios of women being tired and treating themselves to a good exhibitionistic wank, or being so desperate for pleasure that they just have to stick anything they can find into themselves. But, of course, the whole thing is about pleasing the anonymous stranger buying the pics. A sensual bath at the end of a rough day turns into a show. I mean how relaxing can it be to contort yourself so vigorously? Who really comes home, tired and stressed, and leaves their high heels on while "relaxing" alone? And these girls do things to themselves that I really doubt many women would find much pleasure in. It's all about the showmanship. It's a genre based on the notion of self-pleasuring, which really just turns into selling oneself out for the amusement of others. It's a sort of minor paradox. He wants to see them having fun and celebrating their bodies, but in order for it to look fun enough, they have to sacrifice their dignity and do stuff that probably isn't that enjoyable. They are pretending to be all about their own bodies, but they are constantly looking at and posturing for the camera. It's about voyeurism and seeing something extremely private, that makes no illusions of even being private. It's like fighting for peace.

And knowing the level of sexual insecurity that most men seem to suffer from... They want to see women enjoying sex with such enthusiasm and vim, because it is a fun idea to make someone feel that way. But by vaporizing their neurons with P, marinating their minds in the images and ideas and lessons of P, they are, to my mind, making it less and less likely that they ever will make women feel like this. How many of us really want to be (regularly) fucked like that? How many of us really enjoy the sort of attitude that is blatant in most encounters depicted in P? I don't. And I am certain that sex-ed via pornography has just taught many a young man the exact proper technique to turn a self-respecting woman off.

Not to mention that it skews their perception of what female pleasure looks like. Sure, I can and have really enjoyed having sex, but never have I spouted the kind of hollow empty monologue of your average P film. Never have I literally shouted my pleasure at the size of someone's junk. It's like P teaches them that if they are a good enough lover they'll be able to turn any normally mild-mannered, intelligent, confident woman into a squeaking, squealing, begging, genitalia-crazed, seizure-prone sex fiend with a vocabulary consisting of only one-syllable words... That it is reasonable to expect women to react to degrading sexual situations like little girls react to a room full of fluffy kittens. So, yeah, of course you don't think I'm enjoying it much, not if that's what you think enjoyment looks and sounds like.

Thus leading to unfulfilling sex, thus leading to seeking fulfillment elsewhere, thus further conditioning one for unrealistic pleasure, thus making it worse, and 'round and 'round we go. Wheeeee!

With so many young men's first sexual lessons and "experiences" being porn-based, is it any wonder this whole thing is getting so out of whack?

And now it's time to work out a bit, burn off some stress (sans giant sex toys and smooth jazz). Followed by food. Followed by sleep.

I do feel better. More connected to something. Less stuck in my own head.

Exercise Eighteen

A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?

See venting entry a couple of days back for details (3-19). But the basics are that I made a values-based decision to put some space between myself and my negative emotions at that moment, but J pouted and stomped around until I abandoned my decision to detach, and as a result we fought.

My Values here: Stability, the desire to not get swept up in and overwhelmed by my pain at his past AO, recognizing that I had nothing to gain by pursuing that conversation at that moment, getting stuff done.

His Values here: Needing reassurance (that he hadn't hurt me so bad), attention, wanting to know what I was thinking and feeling, his belief that if I opt out of dramatic conversations I am hiding my emotions and thus lying, wanting to comfort me. Possibly some unconscious (?) desire to keep me unstable, hysterical, weak.

Results: A long and crappy fight that did significantly destabilize me. We both ended up being angry about it during and after. I resent him because I feel like I was making a very difficult (but correct) choice to deal with my emotions in a way that is very foreign to me, but that he sabotaged it.

Also, some level of compromise after the fact. We have agreed that he will allow me to get some distance if I feel like I need it. However, since that agreement, he has twice picked at me and tried to bait me in similar moments (but one of these times I did successfully hold my ground).

B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference)

Other than the stuff above, honesty is a big one. I value honesty, and J doesn't yet understand how to be honest (he says).

Respect has a been a big issue, especially now that I am gaining more self-respect. At times he seems to believe he respects me, but I don't think he has any idea how to respect women. I think years of immersing his mind in the world of porn has tainted his ideas about respect (he still claims he sees nothing disrespectful or objectifying in P). His family is also quite traditional and conservative on the role of women, and who wears the metaphorical pants. The discrepancies between our views of what constitutes respectful behavior lead to a constant power struggle. For example, I feel that him interrupting me over and over is disrespectful to me; he feels that my objecting strongly to it is me disrespecting him.

Most of our respect issues seem to revolve around communication. I mean, he doesn't (usually) treat me disrespectfully otherwise. By perhaps whistling to get my attention, as if I were a dog, like my dad does. Or automatically expecting that all the dishes and cooking will get done by me. He defers to my knowledge in discussions with others (he actually never used to do this, but has learned over the years thanks to me pointing it out repeatedly).

Recently he told me that I will have to force him to respect me, and that there is no other way to earn it. Thus, in his estimation, if he yells, I must yell louder. If he interrupts, I can't "let" him. If he won't back down, I'm supposed to make him. Stuff like that. Taking respect by brute force.

This is a big value conflict for me. Yes, I want his respect. It's true that, I don't want to "let" him drown me out or stifle me. But, no, I do not like the idea of having to FORCE him to respect me. I am not comfortable with shouting over him because that is the only way he will listen. I want him to give me respect, not for me to have to take it.

I want to be respected because I am a very strong woman who has been through a lot. Because I am responsible and have worked hard to build my life. Because I am very socially nervous and deeply afraid of a million things, but I have still stepped up to every huge challenge that really mattered (becoming a step mother to 3, for example, or staging a one-woman intervention for my mom). Because I feel so strongly, and have a bigger heart than is good for me. Because I am intelligent and I have worked to cultivate that.

I do not know what I will do about this conflict. I think that the ideal plan is to stand firm. Maybe not yell over him, but tell him that I will not stand by and be yelled at, and then disengage. Remind him when he interrupts me, and if he doesn't seem to be making an effort to stop, to end the conversation. I don't want to be a banshee or a tough guy, but maybe I can be a rock. We'll see what happens when the irresistible force meets the immovable object. Hopefully not erosion.

I wrote the above a few days ago, and upon rereading, I saw that I can perhaps "force" him to respect me by simply not accepting anything less from him. By setting clear boundaries and enforcing them. If he shouts at me, I will not shout louder; I will tell him that I will not be shouted at, and walk away if needed. If he interrupts, I will let him know that he has interrupted, and take a break from the conversation (or end it altogether) if it continues. And so on.

From the lessons I have learned that I can't afford to be the gentle, trusting, open partner I have always wanted to be. I have to be tough, and it is my job to keep myself as safe as possible from harm. I am not happy about it, but I am learning to accept it. So, by that token, I'm already trying to do this.


C. What values, if any, are you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful response, not a prideful one.

Honesty. I will not compromise this any more. At all. If he tells me an "insignificant" lie, and I find out about it, I will not let it slide. If this means that when I ask, "Does my hair look bad today?" he has to say "Yes," so be it. The other day he told me he was going to lie to me and say that he was sleeping, so that I wouldn't worry about his health, but that instead he was going to work on the basement finishing project that has been taking up all of our spare time. Seemingly a lie based in being both responsible and considerate of my feelings, but still not acceptable. If this lie were to be approved, then it is not too many more steps before lying about AO to protect my feelings.

I am doing my best to not compromise my self-respect either. This doesn't necessarily mean that if he is a little bit rude I'll walk away from the conversation. But it does mean that if I start to feel like I am disrespecting myself by allowing it to continue, I will at least call him on it.

And I will not compromise my sexual sense of safety and dignity (once sex comes back into the picture, which right now seems a loooong way off). If I don't feel safe and respected, I won't do it. I will try to not be mean or rude in this, but this is one area where I absolutely do not feel like it would be beneficial to me, or to us, to allow him to step on me. This has already been tested since D-Day when he used words that I associate with P (and that he knows I don't like, and had, in the past, refrained from using) during sex. I did communicate my discomfort to him in the moment, but as he was in a state of passion (and I communicated it as gently as I could) that didn't receive the pause and consideration and comfort that it warranted. The way that I felt for days afterward (and still feel somewhat when I contemplate being intimate with him again) showed me that I need to be more firm about this.