Recovery Nation

So, in my mini-vision, I gave a three month deadline for seeing enough consistent positive actions to believe (at least mostly) that my partner was on the right path.

It has been almost 2 months.

I am not convinced.

And now I am so afraid that he won't do what he has to do. Not in time. And I will walk away if I have to. I think I was just hoping I wouldn't have to.

I know, I have total faith, that he CAN do it. I don't have any faith that he will bother to do it.

I can see that he is still in some denial. I don't think the work he has done was merely appeasement work, but I know he has been too afraid to give it his all. I see him still lying to me, and I tell him that I don't think he is being honest. If it's a hidden emotion thing, I tell him how I would feel if it were me, or how he seemed to feel at the time... but still all he will say is that he is/was fine. And I KNOW it is not true. I fucking know it. And I am trying so hard to be supportive, to gently assure him that he can talk to me. But he won't.

I just want to scream at him, shake him, until he snaps out of it. He seems to understand now that the lying hurts everything, and that I deserve better. But he still lies. I think he is afraid. And I can't take much more of this. Knowing he is lying, trying to be gentle and make him feel safe, and still knowing that he is looking me in the eye and lying. I know that he can't recover unless he is honest, at least with himself. And I don't think that I am the only one he's lying to. So I am feeling desperate, but I can't communicate that to him because that will make him feel unsafe, make him even more afraid to speak the truth.

Gods, I'm going to lose him because he won't open up. He won't just trust me to love him and accept him for what he is. He will lose me because of the way that he is behaving in a misguided attempt to keep me. He'll lose the only person who is ready and willing to hold him close and keep him safe while he fights his demons, because he thinks somehow that he doesn't need to face them. I want to hold his hand and help him be strong, but I can't do that if he won't even admit that there is any need for strength.

It's been almost four months since this d-day. He is still ostensibly trying to recover, but there is no forward momentum. Yes, things have been busy. He had shingles, and that was rough. We had to rush through a basement remodel to get it done in time to take on a much needed tenant. But how much longer do I have to wait to see something that will help me feel hope again?

And, yes, I know I should detach, and I have in a lot of ways, but sometimes I feel like this addict is slowly murdering someone I really really love. And it's so hard to stand back and watch that happen.

I am somewhat working on my next lesson (though my concentration has been spotty), but my roller coaster has been so low lately that sometimes I just have to get it out in order to feel a little less toxic.

I think I've been watching J slipping back into his addiction. His attitude is getting worse and worse, more apathetic, and more eager to assign blame to me. He's getting colder, doing more blameshifting, etc. Basically, all of the progress I have seen over the last 4 months seems to be going away. I don't have any evidence of acting out, but I also don't need it. Maybe he is, maybe he isn't. But if he is abstaining that appears to be all he is doing right now. And, as I learned quite painfully before, abstinence is not recovery.

Basically, my gut is telling me that this is all wrong. And when I try to talk to him about it, he tells me I'm wrong/overreacting/paranoid/not willing to face my own faults. He turns it all back around in a way that, in the past, would have made me doubt myself and condemn myself. And I think that is exactly why he did it. He is using his old defense mechanisms again. So, consequently, every time he tries to invalidate me, it actually reinforces my suspicions that the addiction (or at least the state of emotional sickness that nurtured, and was nurtured by, the addiction) is regaining it's hold on J.

And it hurts immensely. Not blaming myself helps me to stay on good terms with me, but I am feeling increasingly desperate as I watch him slip away. The progress he did make (while not being enough to show me that he was so healthy he could stop moving forward, as he seems to think it should have been) helped me remember who I fell in love with. Looking into his eyes and not seeing that guarded, empty, cold look... No. I can't go there right now without crying (and I am at work and so shouldn't cry). The coldness is back.

And not only did I have a chance to remember the hopes that I once had for us, but I have also gained enough strength, and seen enough of a chance for a better life, that I am not capable anymore of putting up with his shit. I can't lay back and take it anymore. He throws the anger and judgement at me, and I toss it right back to him. He tries to convince me that I am not perfect (duh!) and all I can think is that, no, I'm not. But that's okay. And that I never deserved lied to and cheated on. He tries to pin my damage on my parents, and while I know that they did their share, that is no longer any justification for the further damage he has done to me. Nor is enough to deflect my faith in my own gut. Sure, my parents did fuck me up, and that is still a part of who I am. But I am not "overreacting" to my "suspicions" because of them. I am feeling a wrongness in my gut because of his attitude, and I am not okay with it or relaxed about it because of the devastating choices he has consistently made in the past.

Just because I was already a little cracked and patched and glued back together going in to this relationship, does not mean that any further breakage is irrelevant.

So, in a way we are further apart than ever. And this just on the heels of my trying to reconnect with him because I thought that my distance might be hurting him. That sleeping on the couch (or floor) every single day might not be the best way to feel the warmth that I really do have for the man I love (the one I believe is being suffocated by the addict). Because I thought that maybe enjoying each other might be nice. And because, for my sake, I didn't like the isolated distant creature I felt I was becoming. I felt that I was pushing him away just as he had pushed me away for years (for healthier reasons, but still). So, I tried. I tried to take steps in a positive direction. I tried to give some of myself, to be loving. I tried to open the door. At first he walked through gratefully. But within 24 hours he was using me as his personal latrine again. And just like old times, it's just enough to hurt, but not enough that I can prove anything. Never enough that he can't try to convince me that it's all in my head. But this time I can't let that work.

So the distance grows. I plead with him, and he ignores me. It is so hard to let go of this. To not be like an overprotective mother at her kid's first swimming lesson. To let him fall on his face, if that is what he chooses to do. But I have to remember that if I am standing there holding him up, he's not really standing. If I have him so thoroughly cocooned in water wings and inner tubes and other floaties, he will never learn to swim. But it is so hard to stand here and watch him drown. And to watch him drown our relationship.

Though that is not entirely fair. He is not singlehandedly killing the relationship. I am making many of the choices that may lead to its death. If I were willing to let things go back to normal, to let him lie without questioning it, to let him use P and use me to protect himself from reality, if I were willing to stay in a relationship with an active addict, we could stay together indefinitely. Hell, maybe I could even find some consolation in there somewhere, in the predictability of our dysfunction, distance, falseness, coldness. It might not be the worst fate in the world. It would keep me from losing all contact with the kids. I'd still have a ride to the grocery store. And, truth be told, he's not a bad lover at all once I get past my disgust at what he has chosen over the promises he made me. Hell, he couldn't even really blame me (but I'm sure he would) if I went out and sowed my wild oats a bit, got my groove back that way. Yeah. I'm pretty sure that if I decided to let things be, to not push for something better, he and I could be "together" for the long haul.

But I will not do that. I'd honestly rather spend the rest of my life alone and unloved (not that I think that is for sure what would happen) than settle for the pragmatically advantageous, but empty, life I could have with J. I can't be party to this anymore. I can't help him destroy himself, or me.

I'm taking deep breaths. Regaining composure. Trying to detach.

I hate this. This is so fucking hard.

More things to be thankful for:

Colors (and my ability to see and enjoy them)
The tulips blooming in my garden right now
Squirrels (which I'm pretty sure I said before, but every time I see one I smile a little, so it bears repeating)
Rediscovering old albums I've always loved
Finally learning to love albums I've never really enjoyed
Screaming along to a song at a concert (Shame by Stabbing Westward) and realizing that while I still love the song, I no longer relate to it
The pleasant exhaustion after a good workout
Cheez-its
The Blizzard of the month for March (coffee toffee cookie or something similarly astonishingly delicious)
The cool dream I had yesterday about goats and the trained weasels who shepherded them

Also, I should be going out dancing with my best friend this Sunday, so I'm looking forward to burning off some stress that way, and maybe getting in the zone where I don't hate the way my body feels for a minute.



Edit: the DQ Blizzard of the month turned out to be false advertising (that particular DQ had just reused their poster from last March). Jerks. (I kid. I have forgiven this dire mistake on their part.)

But, on my way home from DQ with my consolation Blizzard, I did see a squirrel chasing birds off of my lawn. I love my birds, too, but it was funny.

Edit: In my original writing of this I neglected to directly address a very important and very often threatened value of mine. I realize that I am a big threat to it as well, because I am still unable to consistently not engage. Today I am suffering as a result of not managing this better. This may be the most essential boundary to my self-preservation, because I feel like every time it gets broken (every time I let it get broken) I slide backwards.

Value: Emotional Stability
Rules:
1. If I need time and/or space to get emotionally grounded, I will be responsible for asking for this. This includes when I need to be emotionally distant/self-contained even while hanging out with J.
2. I expect my partner to respect this need by not making passive-aggressive comments, manipulating me (as by saying "but I need you" when that is not the case in that moment, or pointing out non-essential tasks I could do but would interfere with getting distance), asking for justification of my needs, drawing me into a long conversation about what he should do while I have my "me time", or repeatedly interrupting my "me time".
3. That said I will try to be clear and firm, yet gentle when asking for what I need. I will also try to give J an idea of what to expect. I.E. "I need some time to myself right now. It is not because I am mad at you. I'll be in the bedroom for 30 minutes. I'll let you know then what I would like." It will then be up to him to make the right choices for himself while I take care of me.
4. I have to prioritize myself here. In past years, I needed J and he was not willing/able/available to step up to the task as a mature and honest partner. Now, I have to remember that if I need my love and my strength, I have every right to take care of myself. I cannot count on J, and I should not sacrifice my own hard-won and fragile stability to take care of him.
4. I will hold myself responsible for paying attention to my own emotional state. Monitoring myself and trying to stay in touch with my needs. I will actively pursue stability by making use of things that I know can soothe me. I will not neglect my emotional state.


Exercise Nineteen

A. Make a list of rules that you can use to help define the boundaries of your most important values. Like goals, each rule should be specific and measurable.

In General (the main rules under which the other rules exist):
1. As the partner of a person with sexual addiction issues, I have the right and responsibility to point out boundary violations when I believe they have occurred. If it comes down to my instincts against his word, my instincts take precedence.
2. Recognizing that denial and avoidance of reality are common traits in SA, the non-SA partner will be given deference when there is confusion as to what is actually happening, what is motivating it, and/or what effect it is having. The SA partner does not have to agree, but they should give it serious thought. I will honor my own instincts.
3. If the SA partner believes they are being treated unfairly, I will think about it, take their opinion in to consideration, and examine it as logically as possible. I will not dismiss their concerns automatically, unless they are presented in a hostile way or are obviously the product of faulty thinking or an attempt to manipulate me.

Value: Respectful Communication
Rules:
1. Unless quite severe, all transgressions of the listed communication boundaries will be met initially with a reminder of what rule the person has broken. If it continues, or if the perpetrator does not step back, acknowledge the transgression, apologize, and attempt to rectify the behavior, the conversation will end. It may be resumed at a later point when both parties are calmer and less apt to break the following rules. If the rule breaking has been severe enough to render further talk especially challenging, the conversation will end. Again, it might be resumed later.
2. Interrupting will not be tolerated, by either of us.
3. Shouting will not generally be tolerated (the exception being when the shouter has expressed a need to vent and is not being threatening or terribly volatile).
4. Blameshifting, invalidation, table-turning, gas-lighting, and other "tricks of the trade" will not be allowed. As the partner of a sexually addicted person (remembering that SA's are skilled in manipulating and hiding from reality) I reserve the right to determine when these tactics are being used.
5. I will not play along with passive aggression. If I believe that this is what is occurring, I will actively confront it, drag it into the light, and thereby strip it of its passive power. If it is not possible to actively and directly discuss the issue, I will not give in to the passive push.
6. Lying, minimizing, twisting, and otherwise obscuring the truth is not acceptable. It prevents a fair exchange of information and blocks true communication.

Value: Financial Responsibility and Stability
Rules:
1. ALL purchases MUST be disclosed to each other as soon as possible after they occur (not as soon as convenient or as soon as one remembers to). These disclosures must also include every item purchased (i.e. "Stopped and got gas, and a pack of cigarettes, and a cup cake," not, "Stopped at the gas station," or, "Got gas.") A text will be sufficient.
2. Whenever possible, purchases will be discussed before they occur, in order to make sure both parties approve.
3. Any purchase over $20 (with the exception of gas or medical emergencies) will be discussed prior.
4. Paying bills is one exception to these rules. Running up new bills, however, is not.
5. Another exception is in the giving of gifts to each other. I do not need to ask permission to buy a specific present, nor does he. However, once the gift has been given all money should be accounted for. Gifts to others should be treated the same as any other non-gift purchase.
6. Violation of these rules, if severe, intentional, or repetitive, will lead to confiscation of the violator's debit and credit card(s).
7. Either party has the right to access the other's bank account history in order to make sure these rules are being respected.

Value: Honesty (taken largely from the example in the lesson)
Rules:
1. Both partners will be honest with each other at all times about all things. This includes all major events and emotions as well as smaller things (i.e. video games played, the timing and content and participants of Facebook chats, TV shows/movies watched, etc.). Omitting or changing a small event is still a lie.
2. An omission of the truth is the same as a lie.
3. Minimization is not honesty.
4. Spinning or selectively presenting the facts to disguise the truth is not honesty.
5. "White lies" or lies told to protect my feelings or to maintain a situation are still lies.
6. Lying about, or omitting mention of, one's emotions is still a lie. Concrete facts are not the only things we need to be honest about.
7. However, stating that one is not ready to talk about it right then is acceptable. The "not ready" partner should then offer a time to discuss it, such as, "I'm not ready to talk about this right now. I'll try to get more clarity and I'll talk to you about it in the morning."
8. Giving confessions or emotional revelations in letters is completely acceptable if that helps one feel more free to express the whole issue without interruption or with less fear.
9. Either partner has the right to request further information and/or evidence to back up what they are being told. This may include photos, computer records, clarification of contradictions or confusion, asking to hear it again, etc.
10. When either partner is found to have lied about the smaller details of an event, the other partner has that right to assume that they are lying about the main details as well.
11. When either partner has been untruthful, they will accept responsibility and be held accountable.
12. As the partner of one who has lied regularly, I have the right to take into account all of the circumstantial evidence to come to my own conclusions towards an event. I do not need absolute proof.
13. In a conflict, the most logical explanation will be the one that is accepted, with bizarre or unlikely excuses accepted only when they can be proven.
14. The burden of proof lies on the partner who has shown by past behavior that they cannot be trusted in word alone. The recovering SA will not automatically receive the benefit of the doubt, at least not until recovery and the rebuilding of trust have progressed considerably.

Value: Emotional Intimacy
Rules:
1. We will be as transparent, open, and available to each other as we can be.
2. We will be honest about our emotions.
3. All exceptions to these rules must be addressed and not swept under the rug. While it is acceptable to say, "I am having a hard time with my feelings right now and need some time to sort through them," it is not okay to say, "I'm fine," if that is not the case. That would constitute a lie.
4. We will work to perfect these skills of intimacy. We will work to knock down our walls, while still maintaining our own stability and cohesion as individuals.
5. I will encourage my partner to be open, transparent, and available to me.
6. I will do everything I can to be a safe, understanding, and loving audience for my partner. I expect the same in return.
7. We will both strive to show compassion.
8. We will both strive to empathize.
9. We will both do our very best to validate each other.
10. We will both do our very best to comfort each other
11. We will try to encourage shared positive emotional experiences (i.e. laughing together, cuddling when comfortable, experiencing new or pleasant things together).
12. The rules for respectful communication apply here.
13. I reserve the right to distance myself if I believe that I am not safe to be intimate.

Value: Self-Esteem
Rules:
1. Many of the above rules are in place to protect the self esteem, dignity, and confidence of both parties.
2. If either party senses themselves becoming downtrodden, feeling new self-loathing, doubting their goodness, or otherwise becoming ungrounded, unstable, or sustaining unnecessary damage, that party is expected to pause the conversation and evaluate the situation with as clear a head as possible.
3. We will both try to encourage the other to try new things.
4. We will praise each other's successes.
5. We will recognize our own successes and share them.

Value: Emotional Safety
Rules:
1. Many of the above rules are in place to protect the emotional safety and stability of both parties.
2. If either party senses themselves becoming "unmoored" from reality, doubting their sanity, or otherwise becoming ungrounded, unstable, or sustaining unnecessary damage, that party is expected to pause the conversation and evaluate the situation.



B. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.
This has been rather pervasive throughout my healing thread, especially in regards to boundaries in respectful communication. I'd rather not go on and on about it again here. In summary, throughout the course of our relationship J has used many subtle (and sometimes not subtle) means to invalidate, confuse, neutralize, and hurt me. This led eventually to my sense of reality and sense of self (as well as self-esteem) becoming so deteriorated that I automatically blamed myself for many things that were not my fault. I believed that I was paranoid, when in fact he was lying. I believed that I was a hysterical banshee, when in fact I had often been manipulated into a place of extreme instability. I believed that I was too materialistic, when all I wanted was enough caution in spending to ensure that I do not lose my home or health, and modest but thoughtful birthday/Christmas/anniversary gifts. This made me much more likely to continue to tolerate increasingly bad treatment from him, and to not be a challenge to his addiction.

Primarily, this deterioration itself was its own pain. It worsened the other pains, that's true. But losing so much of myself to his bad behavior was the worst part.

C. Describe a potentially realistic event in your life where having mastered the use of boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.
This has already been helping me a lot. The biggest area where I have been applying it is communication. Often, when I try to communicate negative feelings or doubts to J, he reacts by getting defensive and resorting to his old SA tricks. He turns the tables, but that doesn't work anymore (I now respond with, "well, maybe I do do the same thing to you, but that is not what we're talking about right now"). Then he might try to invalidate by saying that I'm overreacting, but I know that however I am feeling it is valid, so I don't cave to that criticism. He often interrupts almost every time I try to express a difficult concept, often to tell me that whatever I was trying to explain makes no sense, but now I can answer that of course it doesn't make sense, I barely started explaining it. I can also just point out that he interrupted me, and if it happens enough I stop wasting effort trying to get through to him.

Having finally decided that no one has the right to treat me in a way I don't like (within reason, obviously), I am finally free to stand up for myself, even when the other party may not accept my expectations. It used to be that if I got interrupted, said that I was interrupted, and then was told that I wasn't interrupted, or that it didn't matter anyway, I would just accept that. Now, I may not be able to stop others from interrupting, but I am much better at giving myself permission to not waste time listening to them if they won't listen to me.

I gave him a deadline this morning. Having become so tired of wishing to see progress and not having anything measurable, I thought on it for a long time, and set a deadline. (Well, actually I first asked him several times to set his own deadlines, but he refused.) Having looked over his thread once again, and once again been struck by how shallow, brief, and bare-minimum it is, I told him I want him to rewrite some of his lessons (the four that pretty much reek of the sort of BS I used to use to get A's on essay questions in high school). I also told him I'd like to know where the lessons he hasn't posted are, what sort of insights he gained from them. He says that all of the missing exercises are ones that the lessons said to not post, but I think that if he did them he should have something to tell me about them. And I told him that I'd like to see these lessons by next Monday, or at least get a reasonable explanation from him of why he hasn't been able to complete them.

I wrote this all down, and I gave him a copy. Very clear.

And, he reacted exactly as I hoped he wouldn't. With defensiveness, and deflection. Telling me that I keep thinking that I'm the only one affected by this, that maybe he isn't meeting my expectations not because he isn't trying, but because I have set them too high. By stating that by putting a deadline on him I would only be forcing him to do "appeasement work." But I think after 4 months of waiting for him to get his own ass in gear, four months of him doing RN but giving 3 sentence answers to very complex questions and still only being on lesson 21 (with at least 5 missing exercises), after having seen very little forward movement since the first weeks of January, I have a right to set out some boundaries. Besides, I know he is a procrastinator, and he has been busy, and this is difficult, but it is also important.

I felt very fearful setting the deadline, because I do not want to manage his recovery. But at this point it is kind of a last-ditch effort. Because it seemed very clear that without a deadline the procrastination would stretch on indefinitely, like it does. And, as I still having every intention of ousting him if I've not seen measurable progress by May 2nd, I guess I wanted to give him a stepping stone in the middle. Something to get him moving, before it was too late.

It is interesting that he seems to have lost his forward momentum when the lessons came about that asked him to examine his addiction and the rituals. Like he was excited to come up with new ways to manage his life, to discover values and ways to get closer to living by them, but not so keen on deconstructing the P and MB (which, by the way, he still claims were not done in conjunction). I find myself wondering, if abstinence is not recovery, what can one say of recovery without abstinence. I find myself thinking that he may be attacking the secondary behaviors (aside from the dishonesty), but still protecting the acting out.

It's funny, because he did just move to a new post last week, meaning that he no longer works in the dorm. And I think that could have made a world of difference in how I view him, but his attitude is still not quite there. My gut is still giving me grief. And now he's hiding behind the new post. I think he thinks that exempts him from needing to do anything else.

Alas, I have to get going. I took the time I needed to clear my mind on here, and now it's time to take on the day.

I wanted to post this as an edit to the last post, but that proved too difficult on my phone. so...

edit: after a couple of hours to process my deadline ultimatum, I actually suggested to j that we reevaluate the deadline together (as I had remembered other things that we needed to do between now and then, which would make it busier). he refused this suggestion, because he doesn't "want any excuses not to get this done." seems like a pretty mature reaction on his part.

I've been largely absent here for a couple of weeks. Not because of complacency, but because I was purposely trying to let myself rest. (Rest is a really big idea for me right now.) Now I'm filtering through my drafts folder. Gauging progress, considering the things I've been purposely not thinking about lately, getting back into work mode. At least somewhat (rest still feels pretty important).


Drafted April 11th:
I'm struggling to figure out how to cope with some obvious problems in my healing. I am finding it impossible to step back. I know there are a lot of reasons for this, good reasons. But I also know that it needs done. I guess this is just a ramble to try to get my thoughts in order.

So, what's holding me back?

Anger/Resentment. He is still amazingly skilled at pressing my buttons, for one thing. But there's also a lot of residual anger for what he did, and what I've been through thanks to him. I mean, when I step back, I have to do it subtly (in order to keep him from noticing and thus working to keep me engaged), so I am still there. I see him smiling and laughing and hanging out with his buddy and enjoying life. And that pisses me off. I am struggling to find something to make me feel happy and carefree, and I haven't found it yet. So I spend most of my time feeling grumpy or sad or angry. And seeing him feel the way I wish I could feel... feeling like the last thing he needs or deserves is to just be carefree, to forget...

I know this is probably not the most emotionally intelligent way to feel. I'm sure that to some extent every moment he spends enjoying life bolsters him a little bit more against falling into his addiction. And why is it even hurting me for him to have fun? It isn't, I guess. I am just hurting. I know I am having a really hard time finding ways to really let go and have fun. Maybe I just want him to feel miserable, too. Because misery loves company, and because so much of me still feels like this is is his fault. Because I resent him. Because part of me hates part of him.

So, I step back, painfully. I resign myself to not getting ideal relief from whatever it is I am feeling in the moment. I mean, I can go cry. I can try to distract myself (which only works until I hear, or see, or think of him or anything triggering). But I can't get whatever resolution I am so deeply craving. I can't get validation. I can't get a salve for my wounds. I end up focused on wishing that I could just feel happy, while he plays on Facebook or fixes the lawnmower or otherwise doesn't have to care. And even if he's nowhere near me, if I ask him to leave me alone for a morning, then I wonder obsessively where he is and what he's doing. Then I just imagine all the smiling and laughing and good times (or worse, the AO).

I resent him too much to step back. And I don't know how to get over this. And it's not something new since D-Day. This has been the state of things in my downtrodden head and heart for years. I don't feel loved. I don't feel happy. I feel like he can easily forget me. And somewhere in this mess I get angry whenever he has fun that has nothing to do with me. And my general unhappiness feels that much more acute next to him.

Control. I want control. Control over my life, which somewhere in my head still means 100% knowledge of what is going on in his. I think this has also always been a factor. But it has gotten much worse since our first d-day. I want to finally have the right to choose, for myself, what kind of a partner I will have. No, want is too weak a word. I feel as if I MUST HAVE IT. It doesn't feel like control when it first comes up. At first it feels like inquiries and just wanting to know. But as he wriggles around the words, I clamp down. Before I know it my metaphorical hands are bloody from where my fingernails have cut into them in my desperation to get a strangle hold.

And, yes, I admit, I want control over him, too. I don't know where this need comes from, probably some normal fear of abandonment thing gone awry. But it is there. And, like the resentment, I don't know what to do about it.

I don't think I want control over his recovery. But I do want absolute surety that he will recover... and that can't happen unless I am in control of the situation... which of course I can't be... not unless I wanna guarantee failure. Doesn't make it much easier.

Edit: I have since tried to give myself permission to step away, to let go of the control. It doesn't always work, but sometimes it helps. Recognizing that I have been carrying this relationship, what feels like singlehandedly, for years... and that I am tired... and it is heavy. Thinking of it as giving myself permission to rest.

Space. I can't step back mentally/emotionally without stepping away physically. I guess I'm just not strong enough in my boundaries yet to be able to maintain them when I am sitting in the same room as him. And when I distance myself he does whatever he can to pull me back (the eternal tug-of-war. He gets distant, I try to pull him back. I get distant, he pulls on me. Except that he almost always feels distant to me). But there's not many other good options. I can't drive, so leaving the house requires a clear destination and also enough composure to ride the bus. Making him leave means wondering what he is doing as he runs around, aimless, angry, unsupervised (and besides, I don't feel it's fair, unless he has done something really seriously wrong). And our house is small and not super nice. If I go in the other room, my options are the bedroom and the bathroom. The bedroom is tiny and messy and smelly (and I just don't have the ambition to tackle it lately). It needs rearranged and carpet shampooed and a coat of paint. It doesn't have any three-pronged outlets for a computer. No tv (not that I watch much, but I've considered taking it up in moderation in the interest of healthy escapism). So the only things I can do in there are lay/sit on the bed (no space for other furniture) and read. I can't work out, which often helps soothe me. I can't crank up the music (the whole outlet issue). Basically, the bedroom needs some major work before it becomes a sanctuary. That will happen eventually, but for now...

Time. We are so busy, and the only way to tackle everything that needs done often necessitates teamwork or at least togetherness. Our lives are so intertwined. Quality time with the kids, for instance. I mean, I guess we could just always spend time with them separately, but due to transportation issues that's not practical. And, besides, I really don't want to explain to them why Daddy and his "girlfriend" (as they call me) are never together around them. Or why maybe we are both there but not interacting with genuine warmth. And coparenting is hard to do without some level of cooperation, which feels to me like bonding, and I start to get pulled in.

Or grocery shopping... we go together because shopping from the bus, while possible, is difficult and time consuming (and I don't have a friend who would drive me). And we eat together.

Basically, a lot of our non-work time is spent interacting. Since I never developed skills in keeping people at arm's length, this leads to closeness of sorts.



I wrote this out a couple of weeks ago and saved it to my drafts folder. At the moment, I am doing better with the stepping back, but I know that tends to slip after a bit. So, while these issues aren't pressing at the moment, I think that they will probably start to reemerge.

A few things have happened since I last posted.

I gave him a deadline a couple of weeks ago. I told him that I wanted him to reevaluate/redo some of his lessons, post or at least explain his missing lessons, and come up with an action plan to let me know what he expects of himself insofar as recovery is concerned. This had, predictably, mixed results.

Leading up to the deadline he did seem to be putting some time and effort into getting things done. He wasn't communicating his progress with me, but he was telling me when he was working on stuff and the monitoring on his computer (as well as what I could see for myself) were in line with that. His attitude shifted back and forth between resentment at "having" to do this, and actually showing some ambition to do it.

On the day of the deadline, we went all day without him mentioning it. I had asked for these things to be done so that we could discuss them that morning, and had hoped he would step up and start the conversation. He didn't. Finally, that evening, I broached the topic. However, we were both VERY tired and we agreed to postpone the majority of the talking until the next morning. The next morning rolled around and I had a nice stomach flu thing going on, so I spent the day asleep.

Approx one week later (after focusing on me quite a lot), I broached the topic again. He reacted with defensiveness, but agreed to talk. The talk started with him showing me a couple of lessons that he'd added a bit to. Then he showed me the lessons that he didn't see any reason to alter, and demanded specifics as to why I felt that they should be worked on more (I had asked him to reevaluate them and to decide for himself if they were really his best efforts and as personally useful as they could be). I shied away from offering specific criticism, but he persisted.

One example was an exercise that asks how what he's learned over the past "two weeks" has been helpful to him. His answer was a very textbook one, I thought. Stating essentially that he has learned that addiction is not a healthy way to manage his emotions and that there are other ways and that knowing this has enabled him to feel confident that he can deal with things in healthy ways. Nothing personalized. Nothing not completely optimistic. Very much the sort of answer that I would have given on a high school essay question for a class I cared nothing about. So, after he asked over and over what precisely "wasn't good enough" about his answer I explained to him how impersonal and shallow and B.S.ish it seemed to me, and why. He then reacted with a lot of anger that I was criticizing his efforts. But I managed to not engage in this, knowing that he was the one who demanded the specific criticism that I was trying to avoid giving for exactly the reasons that he was then angry at me for giving it. (It is also worth my remembering that I tried very hard to phrase things in gentle and non-judgmental ways, but he demanded "less fucking vague" answers until I wound up being more direct, and then he got mad about my bluntness. Much the same way as if I say something like, "I fear you're not being totally honest with me, and I know it is scary, but I really want to have the chance to know you for you" he will ask things like, "What do you mean, not being totally honest?" and finally fly off the handle because I am "namecalling" and calling him a liar, when I never even said the word "lie" let alone "liar.")

Anyway, long story less-long, I was not satisfied with the efforts he made to strengthen the work he had already done. But, I don't feel too crappy about that. I mean, I guess I am somewhat detached from it. I feel satisfied that I communicated my expectations clearly. That I made my concerns known and that he did hear them (he may try to plead ignorance, but I know better). This seems to have helped me step back and let him do his thing (or not). I can't say that I don't care, but I can say that I have put the ball in his court.

He did write out a wonderful action plan, a sort of mini-vision, though. In it he demonstrated his own awareness of how long he was taking and how he has slipped into complacency more often than not. He communicated his own desire to get through the workshop, so that he could gain a basic understanding of all the new tools and reinforce his efforts to abstain and grow, and then go back and do it again to deepen that understanding (like skimming a chapter in a textbook before reading it in depth). But, as seems to so often be the case, he has since seemingly been flirting with complacency.

For instance, he set goals to get three lessons done a week (which did seem overly ambitious to me), and has since completed perhaps 2 lessons in two weeks. He said he would log on to RN and at least look at the forums on three (or four? I forget) set days every week (i.e. every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday), but has not done so as far as I know. He stated that he would get back on track with his daily monitoring, but I haven't seen any evidence of that either. (Given, I have been Resting and detaching, and have not done much by way of monitoring, so he might be doing these things and just not reporting them to me.) But I know that there are things in my mini-vision that I have not stuck to as rigorously as I had hoped to, and I know that I am absolutely sincere in my desire to heal, but that sometimes it takes baby steps, so I am hoping this is the case with him. And he does seem to be doing more than he was a month ago. Two lessons in two weeks is more progress than he was making. Improvement.

As for things that might indicate AO, well, there are a few. I'm not convinced he is, but am also not convinced he is not. However, while this is definitely not a happy thought, I find that the idea of him doing this is somewhat bearable. Or at least that I haven gotten better at not obsessing over it. Additionally, his sexual fidelity doesn't seem nearly as important when there is distance. When we have attempted to be physically intimate since this d-day, the possibility that he had been recently AO has basically crippled me. When we sleep in the same bed (and cuddle) it sometimes weighs on me in the sense of worrying about the ways that my body is not like their bodies. And when he is in the same room as me, and I'm not sufficiently distracted, I often feel hideous or I feel incredibly angry at him for what he did, and the possibility that he is lying to me still. But when I am alone, I generally am able to not worry about it.

I have also gotten to a point where the idea of him lying to me bothers me significantly more than the idea of him looking at p. (I am, however, relatively sure that were I to discover that he's been AO I would feel quite a lot of pain. Even if he were to come to me honestly about it.)

Anyway, the "signs" of AO are pretty much just unaccounted for time. He's not working at the dorm anymore, but now his job is even more isolated, with even more time to get into trouble. He claims he does round after round after round to try to keep busy, but I haven't noticed any reduction in the potbelly that he put on in his time of working at the dorm. My logic is just that if he has gone from an almost totally sedentary job to one where he is walking for the vast majority of his 8 to 12 hour shift, shouldn't he be showing some physical signs of the increased activity...? Meh.

I'm not certain of anything just now, but I am feeling more okay with that uncertainty.

The things that are really bothering me are what I am coming to see as "boundary violations" and things that are not congruent with what I want for my life. Many of the traits that have bothered me about him for the span of our relationship had started to fade, or to at least become sporadic rather than constant, in the months since this d-day. Some/most of them seem to be coming back now, though. They are not as intense as they once were, but they are starting to reemerge as nearly constant personality aspects. Passive-aggression. Temper. General attitude of disdainful indifference. His "neutral" facial expression being one of grumpiness or anger. Manipulations when talking with me (he is now learning to use my own lessons-based language against me, by accusing me of "blameshifting," "all-or-nothing thinking," "gas-lighting," not respecting his unspoken boundaries, etc.). Generally not talking to me.

These things leave me feeling unhopeful for us. But, I am now pretty clear in my resolve that even if he is done with all of the AO forever, I still don't want to be with someone who treats me the way he used to. Faithful or not, I deserve better. I hope that recovery will lead to these things diminishing, but I just don't know.

...which lends itself to a segway based on things I started thinking about when reading the recently bumped thread about separating the addiction from the person. Several partners mentioned that their late-recovery SOs were not what they had hoped for, not the men they had been pretending to be when in active addiction. But, in my case, I have been convinced all along that J was not the man he tried to convince everyone he was. He has always tried to project this image of a badass who can't be touched, as insensitive and uncaring. A nice guy on the surface, but not a sweetheart or anything. Never a victim, never hurt. He's been proud of being an "asshole", a "dick." But I've always felt that there was more beneath that facade. I've always believed that there was an intensely sensitive man, a man who hurts and loves and cares and is vulnerable, inside him. I believed that man was smothered by the jerk act (and apparently by the addiction). I have seen that man many times, but only in moments where his mask fell off. Now I wonder if that is the real J, or if it was just a mask under the mask... I wonder how many layers this onion has.

I'm also trying to figure out a good sleeping arrangement. Sleeping next to him hurts. But so does not sleeping next to him. For the past two days he's been back on the couch. I miss him, but it does seem much easier to detach.

Anyway, most of this was posted to sort out my thoughts and to air them, with some hope of potential feedback or insight from coaches/mentors. But it is a little too focused on J to truly reflect my mental state of late. Much more of my thoughts lately go in to trying to find my path, my healing, my joy, my Rest. I'm not sure how much progress I'm making. But I think I am at a place of stability (albeit delicate stability) for now. And hopefully I'll have time to finish my draft of the next lesson within the next day or two.

I'm not sure why I find it harder to type about me, about what I'm doing, and how, and why. Probably some of it is just because I've spent so long learning the lesson that I shouldn't talk about me, that talking about me is self-centered... and it's funny because J has told me quite often that I turn everything about me... but then again he presents such a blank slate that what else am I able to talk about with him... theorize as to his feelings (I do this and he gets angry)?... guess what he's up to (ditto)?

But rambling aside (at least temporarily), I think a lot of it is because it is less interesting to me. I know what I'm doing. I know what I'm feeling. I know the truth of me (okay, perhaps I am now learning the truth of me, but still).

But what am I doing? What values-based decisions have I made lately?

I bought myself a meditation and yoga video game (it's not here yet, but I hope it rocks)

I've been reading Thich Nhat Hanh to try to get better at being mindful. He cheers me up usually, but mindfulness is still generally elusive.

I'm about to start the brand new Dark Tower book. For fun.

I think I may "hibernate" today. J has been acting needy lately, but unless he can step up and work with me, I think it is more productive for me to stand back.

I recently bought myself some cute clothes that are much more in line with the weird way I used to dress when I was much happier with myself. Not J's style, but they are mine.

I've been learning more about the Feminism-based anti-porn movement. wishing I lived in a city with a chapter/had the ovaries and time and resources to start one.

I'm currently debating the wisdom of working out (again). On one hand, yes, I want to make my glutes bigger and rounder and tone up my arms and belly, because I think that looks hot... so, yes, it is about my appearance in that sense. But I am not trying to become what J might prefer despite my own qualms (because while I'm sure he wouldn't mind my body getting perkier/more toned, buff girls are not his P type). So I keep questioning whether choosing to work on my appearance, in the hopes of increasing my confidence, is the healthiest thing... or if I should just eschew all that shallow crap and accept my not-so-toned belly and gods-given ass shape. I debate this a couple of times a week, and thus I work out about half as much as I'd like to when that side of the logic prevails.

I've been working in my garden. I have learned that removing weeds is amazingly soothing to me. Picking out all the imperfections one by one until I am left with just the plants I want. I've always done crap like this... spending time picking the individual hairs off a fleece shirt, or the individual thorns out of the bottoms of my shoes. I'm sure that says something about me, but I figure as long as it doesn't move from an activity I rather enjoy to a compulsion, I should be okay.

I'm trying to come up with meal plan ideas, so that I can spend more time eating the food I actually want to eat, and not just whatever was convenient.

I'm trying to smile more.

I've been printing out and laminating paintings and such of goddesses and other feminine forms that inspire something good in me. Quan Yin. The Morrigan. Inanna. Persephone. Lilith. Hecate. Faeries. Gypsies. Unicorns. Gorgons.

...which has led to me rediscovering my enjoyment of art. I'm not good at making it, but I do like it.

And right now, J is at work and has definitely not been reaching out to me or initiating communication, let alone closeness. So, I am gonna eat and try to get in bed before he gets home. No point tormenting myself by seeing him and wanting to engage (happily) if he is not gonna step up. As I said, the ball is in his court. He just doesn't seem to comprehend that, despite my explaining it to him very clearly.

I am also taking extra good care of my pets, because they are important to me.

And, still, trying to Rest.

Exercise Twenty-One

1. List five of the most likely major boundary violations that you will face over the next year. How will you recognize them as they are occurring? How will you respond to them if they happened tomorrow?

I really don't like to think that I am likely to face 5 MAJOR boundary violations in the next year... but I'll try to think positively as I write this. But realistically, too. I am also unsure what constitutes a major boundary versus a minor one for the purposes of this workshop (I did re-skim the last few lessons, but didn't find a definition). So, I will define them as follows:

A MAJOR boundary violation is one that would, if unaddressed, almost certainly lead to substantial and lasting negative effects on my values and well-being. In many, but not all, cases a major boundary violation would also involve a conscious disregard for my values and boundaries by the perpetrator.

A MINOR boundary violation would probably not have as severe or as lasting of an effect on my values. It may make me angry, it may mess up my day, but even if unaddressed (which it won't be if I am aware of it) I would probably bounce back pretty quickly.

Major Boundary Violations that I will probably face in the next year:

1. Dishonesty.

This is a hard one to recognize as it is occurring, as it is, by its nature, cloaked. Because of this I must trust my gut. This will probably not lead to me sussing out every instance of dishonesty, but it is better than nothing. The dilemna here is that addressing suspected dishonesty directly only leads to more dishonesty. If I cannot prove that I have been lied to, the predictable result is that my SO will just perpetuate the lies and even reinforce them. This has negative effects on my own sense of reality, and I fear that it may also lead to him lying to himself more effectively. Thus, it seems that directly confronting dishonesty can often lead to strenghtening that dishonesty.

So far I have adopted the policy of addressing suspected lies as they occur, but that has proven ineffectual. It has not helped me. J may or may not still be lying to me, but I am not feeling any more trusting or safe in interacting with him. I still feel the twisted knot in my gut, the futility of wanting and deserving honesty that I feel I am not getting, the confusion, and the anger.

For that reason, I have recently been adopting an attitude of wait and see, and in the meantime, maintain my distance as best I can. I have told him very clearly that dishonesty is unnacceptable to me, explained why I do not trust him, and told him that it is now up to him. If my gut says that I can trust him, I allow myself to (at least as much as I can) for that moment.

If my gut says I cannot, I try to just stand back. This means that internally I am processing the relationship as a farce. I remain civil and non-confrontational in these matters, but I do not trust. I do not allow him inside my walls. I am living with someone I strongly suspect of being too selfish to give a fuck about my well-being, but I do not (yet?) have enough certainty that this will always be the case to expel the betrayer from my life.

This is extraordinarily painful for me. Even typing it is making me cry. However, it is the only way I have yet thought of to minimize the damage being done to me by continuing to be in a "relationship" with someone I believe is not (yet?) my ally. It is a very unpleasant feeling to feel almost certain that you are being lied to, but to not be able to figure out what the lie is. At some point I need to stop feeling this way. If I continue to feel as if I am being lied to, I will eventually end the relationship.

2. Violating the boundaries I have put in place to protect my sanity.

Honesty is a large component of this, but that has already been addressed.

Other violations occur mainly when communicating. Manipulations within conversations such as gas-lighting, table-turning, blameshifting, passive-aggression, using my fear of making him angry to control me, interruption, refusal to listen, twisting my words into things that they were not, villifying me, and many more. These have been a huge part of his addiction tool kit for years. He used these tactics (albeit probably unconsciously) to keep me weak and confused so that I would not be a threat to his addiction and the mindset his addiction preserved/perpetuated.

These are much easier violations to respond to. I can see them when they are happening and address them directly. I say things like, "You are blameshifting" and if he stops I allow the conversation to continue (albeit with a renewed sense of the danger involved, a renewed vigilance against other manipulative tools). If he does not stop, I tell him why I am leaving the conversation and I do so.

This has led to a sort of "arms race" which has made it essential that my definitions and responses of and to violations remain fluid and constantly evolving. As I learn to stand up for my values, J has learned new ways to threaten them or to dismiss my responses. For example, he is now becoming adept at using the language I have adopted. If I state that I feel he is being passive-aggressive, he may respond that I am blameshifting. If a conversation is not going his way, he may state that I am engaged in all-or-nothing thinking. Name-calling has, in itself, become a point of contention because my definition of it is basically saying out loud and directly "you are a ____ (liar, cheater, asshole, bitch, etc)", but his definition seems include it if I even imply anything that could be extrapolated into name-calling such as, "I fear that you aren't being honest" leads to "You are a liar." Therefore, he feels justified in stating that I have violated his boundary against name-calling if I express my doubt as to his honesty. I believe that these evolving tactics from him are just more of the same manipulations, and I try to react to them as such as soon as I recognize them.

While these violations are certainly not beneficial for our relationship, I find that they are not terribly harmful to me so long as I address them and don't allow them to continue. Yes, they make me angry and hurt my feelings, but standing up to them and protecting my values actually has the effect of boosting my confidence.

However, I am classing them as Major because if they are unaddressed they have, in the past, unraveled my sense of sanity and self to such an extent as to render me almost completely impotent in this relationship. They have contributed to the destruction of my confidence and sense of worth. In short, J used these tactics to the end result of me becoming so unsure of myself that all of the problems in our relationship were automatically blamed on me, by both of us. I felt I was a terrible person, perhaps insane, and completely weak and dysfunctional. I know now that was not the case, and am working to rebuild.

3. Violating the boundaries I have put in place to protect my sense of emotional validity.

The boundary violations, responses to them, and the effects of not addressing them here are pretty much identical to those in the previous paragraphs, as are my reactions to them and their effects. However, I am classifying them separately because I view my own sense of sanity (my certainty that I am able to perceive the world around me with some accuracy, that my reality is not totally disconnected from factual reality) and my sense of emotional validity as separate values. I also believe that even if I were completely insane, my emotions would remain valid and important. Perhaps not grounded in reality, but no less potent and important to my well-being for that.

4. Infidelity.

This includes the use of pornography or semi-pornography used for sexual stimulation (i.e. swimsuit magazines, lingerie catalogs), attending a strip joint or even a Hooters-type place, looking at Facebook photos of women I have reason to believe he has used for sexual stimulation (such as the girl at the dorm he had clothed photos of on his P discs), and fantasizing sexually about others (even if said fantasy includes me). It also would include rituals that I don't think he has engaged in such as sexy internet chatting, sexting, looking at dating websites, secretly flirting with other women (a slightly flirtatious, but potentially innocent, conversation engaged in in my presence does not count, because J and I both tend to engage in these things out of humor/friendliness including him "flirting" with my male best friend or my brother), and any sexual contact with others (including kissing, groping, etc. not just intercourse).

I would recognize this violation if he were to confess it to me. Also if I were to find P or proof of other misbehavior in our home or on his computer history. Or obviously if I witnessed a sexual act.

My response to this would depend greatly on how I find out about it. If he were to confess it to me, I would make my most valiant attempt to not completely fly off the handle. I would certainly need some time to digest it, calm myself, and decide what to do, but I do not plan on kicking him out if he comes to me and confesses a slip. However, I will not deny to myself that this would still hurt me immensely.

However, if I discover that he has been engaging in infidelity, I will ask him to leave our home immediately for a minimum of three days. In those three days, I will carefully consider what I should do, from a values based perspective. (I may need more than three days to get to the point where I can respond to the violation rationally rather than react emotionally, and I will allow myself that.)

My decision would likely be based on a number of factors including severity of the violation (i.e. did he just flip through a Victoria's Secret catalog that he found somewhere, or has he created a profile on adultfriendfinder?), intent (did he go to a store and purchase a magazine, or did he "slip" and click one link he shouldn't have and stop shortly thereafter?), duration (did he recently slip back into looking at P, or has he been doing it for weeks?), and how it makes me feel (do I feel like I can't ever get past it?). But probably the most important factor would be his attitude in response. If he were hostile and defensive, minimizing and lying, I would have no reason whatsoever to keep trying. However, if he were contrite and transparent, I would probably give him a chance to prove, through actions, that this was just a setback and his desire to recover is sincere.



I really wanted to finish this assignment today, but somewhere along the lines I stumbled upon a crying jag. I think I am just feeling sorry for myself because I have one day a week off without J, and it feels like the only 9 hours all week that I have for myself... No work pressure. No pain of looking at J and feeling like he doesn't care. The only time where I can listen to my music without anyone giving me dirty looks or making fun of me or turning it down. Where I can watch a movie that might have nudity or sex or attractive young women in it and not feel terrible because J is watching too. Where I can really break down and cry and not clam up because I have an audience. And where I can get all my chores done with music or joy or at least not feeling like at any second J is gonna step in and criticize something. Where I can work out and not have to be in huge hurry because I only have 15 minutes before he gets home. Or do personal hygiene stuff without rushing. I have 9 hours a week to find my joy, the only 9 hours that are entirely private and mine, and the rest of the time I feel like I spend just trying to keep the mask in place. And 9 hours a week is not enough time, and I have spent so much of them working on this... but I know it needs done, and this is the only time I can really devote to them. And he will be home in half an hour, and then my weekend is over. And I know that is not entirely true. I do have a few minutes here and there, and I could just ask J to not come home one day, but this feels like the only untainted span of time right now. And I'm overwhelmed. And I'm injured. And I'm venting.

Sorry, for the brain vomit... anyway, I'll post what I have and try to enjoy my half hour, or to at least use it well.

Exercise Twenty-One

1. List five of the most likely major boundary violations that you will face over the next year. How will you recognize them as they are occurring? How will you respond to them if they happened tomorrow?

See previous post for 1-4

5. Degrading my self-esteem/confidence/self-worth/etc.

I do believe that in the past J has done this, and I definitely do not think it is entirely over or that it is acceptable... However, I think I am the greatest threat to this.

I know that I often engage in negative self-talk. I insult myself directly ("you are so ugly") and indirectly ("I'm so clumsy," "should I change clothes so I don't embarrass you in public?" apologizing CONSTANTLY for EVERYTHING), and I'm sure there are other, subtler ways I knock myself down as well. I tend to recognize this when it happens, and as soon as the words pass my lips I become aware of them and that I am sabotaging myself by saying them.

This does not make me stop, though. Ideally I would respond to these things by stopping, acknowledging what I just did, and saying something to myself to counter it. Lately I have gotten better at this in some ways. I have caught myself apologizing for things I had nothing to do with or am not sorry for and quickly taken the apology back ("I'm sorry that I feel angry... No, wait, I am not sorry. That is how I feel. I wish I didn't, but I do" or "I'm sorry that your cat scratched you. Wait. That wasn't my fault. It's unfortunate that you got scratched."). I have sometimes stopped the apology before it even crosses my lips.

But stopping the negative self-talk altogether has proven to be immensely challenging. I think this is largely because it is what I have always done, and I have internalized that this is only right. I had my sense of humility literally beaten into me as a child, and, probably more harmfully, verbally reinforced over and over. I find myself "getting caught" looking in the mirror, as if looking in the mirror is a wrong and embarrassing thing to do. I feel as if it is wrong to express pride for what I am (as opposed to being proud of what I've done).

But it is all tangled and complicated now. I don't feel this shame at expressing pride when I talk with my parents (ironically) or my friends. I only feel it when speaking to, or around, J. And, I don't generally have these thoughts. I mean, if I say it I have to be thinking it, but it's not as if I wander around thinking all the time that I am ugly or clumsy or bad... Wow. I am thinking this through as I write it, and thinking of a lot of things. Not entirely related to the lesson, but probably still needing expressed where I won't forget them.

I think that I use my negative self-talk and self-abuse as a weapon. But why? I guess that my deep feeling that it is wrong or embarrassing to express otherwise to J might indicate that I am using this good offense as a defense. A shield. Maybe I think that if I keep myself down he can't push me there...? Maybe I think that if I tell him I am ugly he won't feel the need to tell me...? Or maybe I just want him to see, really truly see and know and feel, how very badly I am hurting.

But in doing that I am hurting myself. I am violating my own boundary. And that is the point of the exercise. So, back on track... How will I respond to this?

I definitely need to keep my feet on solid(ish) ground. When I feel invalidated and hurt and tired from the struggle to uphold the previous boundaries is when I am most apt to plummet back into all this crap. So, trying to avoid that mindset seems wise. Thus, enforcing boundaries.

But, once I have violated this boundary, I have to step up. I have to make myself stop. I have to take it back. I have to try to repair whatever I just damaged. If I just said that I am ugly, I need to say, out loud, that No. I AM BEAUTIFUL. and not care who hears. Why should I feel like it it's okay to speak the words, "You are so ugly" in front of J, but be ashamed to speak their opposite? I don't know. I know that I am ashamed of it, but I know that I need to get over that. Perhaps with practice. So, I am setting forth the goal of stopping the negative self-talk, acknowledging that I did it, apologizing to myself, and countering it. Out Loud. Without being held back by my shame. (large font for when I reread.)



Also in the course of typing this, I am coming to realize one big huge overarching threat to my values that has become so constant that I am not even generally consciously aware of it, though I definitely still feel its effects. This is a threat to many of my most core values, and violates many of my most essential boundaries. I will try to sum it up as succinctly as possible. (And this train of thought has been slowly brewing since I read a number of recent threads on the support board.)



The lack of catharsis and drastic change in my life since D-Day is hurting me in many ways. This is a boundary violation in the form of inaction. And, yes, this has been perpetrated (or neglected or stagnated or whatever) by J. In the following ways:

There has still not been real disclosure. I do feel that (to paraphrase a post of Nellie-James) his continued lack of transparency as to the past shows that he is still loyal to the addiction. I feel he is judging me unworthy or handling the full truth and undeserving of it. I feel as if I am completely incapable of making an informed decision, of making the choice that it is my right to make, so long as I am not given all of the information.

There has been no big moment of choosing me.

He has expressed regret, and I think it was sincere. But it was quiet and calm.

He has hardly cried, certainly not wept.

He has not begged (or even really asked) for my forgiveness.

He has not shown gratitude for having yet another chance with any sort of passion. He has just sort of accepted that I'm still here and he's lucky for that but it's not a big deal.



While, yes, he does seem to be working toward recovery, none of this has occurred in the climactic life changing way that I want. I mean, I still remember the moment when the bottom fell out from under me, when the entire world changed in one stupid instant, with seeing that first picture... and EVERYTHING CHANGED. Right then. And since then I have been struggling, yes, but everything has been different. I had my climax. My earth shattering, old-consciousness vaporizing, mind blowing catharsis. And nothing, NOTHING, will ever be just the same, because I will never be the same. That moment knocked me off of my current path. I could have chosen an unhealthy approach after that, or I could have chosen to start working on helping me, but either way, in that moment it became impossible to not make a choice.

I wanted there to be a moment, a day, an hour, whatever, where he quite obviously fell apart the way that I did, and then after that moment for things to be different. I wanted a clear delineation in my timeline, where I could look and say "on this day he was walking North, and suddenly he turned around and started walking in the opposite direction. Stumbling and swerving and tripping and getting a little lost sometimes, but still headed South." I want a detectable and dramatic U-turn. Maybe not in an instant. But, had I asked myself back in December if I thought that we would make it into May without disclosure, without him weeping, without a massive emotional climax, I would have been extremely fearful at the thought. And, yet, it has happened. Here I am, 5 months later, and I have not been given that gift.

All my signs are subtle, and even though I know that having such a catharsis would guarantee nothing, I can't help but feel like not having it does guarantee that we cannot progress into a healthy loving intimate relationship. I feel like I cannot get over the betrayal and begin to heal the trust without this. Maybe it is symbolic. Maybe ceremonial. But I suspect that I need to see him lose everything, all his defenses and walls, like Inanna or Ishtar shedding layer after layer of clothing, skin, self, in their decent into the underworld. That I need to see the change happen.

I mean, I guess what I want has more to do with how he feels about me than about he feels about his addiction. Maybe he is kicking its ass. Maybe he is abandoning it. But what about me? What do I get from him in this?

This lack of a total and complete change in allegiance insults, offends, and hurts me, and it does feel like a continual assault on my values.

I remember at one point not terribly long after D-Day J and I were talking about what he would do if I walked away from him. Previously he had maintained that he'd be sad, but he'd do nothing. That if I wanted to walk away, or if I did something to anger him into walking away and did not apologize, he'd just let it go, let us go. But on this day he said he would fight for me, because I am worth fighting for. I don't think he's fighting for me now. But now I know that I am worth it, and I want to be with someone who also thinks I am worth it, and if there was ever a time to fight for me it is now...

And while I have expressed this to him (though certainly not so eloquently) he does not get it. Clearly.

In response I suppose I will try to be patient, because I am not yet ready to give up. But at least now I understand one of the things that is eroding me (or at least eroding my ability to be kind and loving or trusting or warm). I am addressing this boundary violation and deciding to respond to it by accepting how it makes me feel and not taking action as yet.

2. List five minor boundary violations that you will likely face over the next month. Write out how you will likely respond to each.

1. Violating my need for alone time.

This one is perpetrated by many people, not just J. Coworkers, kids, friends, family, people on the bus... pretty much everyone. I don't have a one-size-fits-all response. Sometimes it is just not appropriate to respond outwardly, in which case I take a deep breath and deal with it. Or I just ignore the person (only applicable to strangers, such as on the bus) until they stop staring or trying to talk to me (headphones work wonders). Sometimes I ask to be left alone. Sometimes I compromise by giving some of my time and then asking for space once the crisis (or whatever) has been resolved. It stresses me out, but it usually isn't terrible.

2. Violating my need for sleep.

Again, work, kids, family, and J all do this. Again, there's no universal response. I do try to be careful to respond and not react (such as by biting someone head off in my anger at being awoken). And I try to get as much sleep as I can.

3. Disrespect (from the general public).

I work in customer service, so part of my job is taking crap. It sucks, but there it is. Sure, I'd love it if everyone felt the need to say "please" and "thank you" and no one ever treated me like their personal servant or yelled at me, but that's not the reality of my field. There will also always be those people who give you dirty looks because you are not like them, or who go through the express lane at Walmart with 30 items. I have decided that this value is, in most cases, not as important as my value of being a kind polite person (or at least a laid-back-ish person) or my value of trying to keep my stress level low-ish (and confrontation is not something I am comfortable with). So I allow myself to recognize the disrespect, and I usually remind myself that it must suck to be so grumpy or that I'm sure glad I'm raising my kids better than that. Sometimes I go into the back office to let the anxiety/anger shakes (from being yelled at) subside or to vent under my breath, or I vent to friends/coworkers, or I make jokes about it. And then I go about my day.

I have noticed, though, that the more work I do on myself here, the less general bad treatment I seem to be getting and the easier it is to be assertive or to at least not back down. I think strengthening my confidence and my boundaries in general has given me less of a potential-victim attitude.

4. Theft.

Minor stuff like stealing my lunch from the work fridge or even a cigarette out of my pack if I leave it sitting out. It makes me angry and is clearly not right, but it also isn't going to destroy me. Honestly, at this point, I don't respond to it well. I pretty much just try to shrug it off and be more careful in the future, so I don't really assert my boundaries. That said, I never have proof of who is doing the stealing, but I don't think I'd be more assertive about it even if I did, unless they were totally blatant about it.

But, if J stole from me (say cash) or my kids, I definitely would let them know that it is unacceptable. In the case of the kids, I'm sure it would involve a long talk about morality and probably grounding.

5. Messing with my ability to have fun.

This is probably the worst of the minors I'm listing here, and it has happened in the past and may happen again. Usually J goes about this passive-aggressively, so I try to deal with it by asking him what is going on and if he gives me the "nothing. everything's fine" treatment just not playing along. I'm getting better at this with practice. But fun is still a challenge for me, so it's quite detrimental when something makes it even more challenging.


3. Over the past six months, you have no doubt violated the boundaries of others (innocently or otherwise). List a few of these and share whether or not you were aware that you were violating their boundaries at the time.

Privacy. I definitely did not respect J's privacy when I searched his backpack. I was aware of this. I do not regret it, though, because I probably would not have discovered his porn use without any snooping (he got better and better at hiding it over the years). I also consciously made the choice to prioritize my desire to know what was going on, and later to be reassured (because for a loooong time I would search and find nothing, and each time that happened I felt a little better, more safe, more trusting) over his desire for privacy. Given the circumstances I don't know that I'll ever decide to respect his privacy. (However, I am moving away from searching and monitoring, so much, for my own sake, as obviously the obsession is destructive to me.)

Respect/civility. Many times since d-day I have felt so much rage and pain and hatred and disrespect for J that I have been very hostile and mean. I was aware of it as I did it, but at the time I didn't care enough to stop. I regret this in many ways, but I also recognize that many of these nasty hurtful thoughts did need to be given voice so that they didn't fester and poison me. I have tried to learn better ways to deal with it, but sometimes I still feel the need to get these things out to his face. I try now to warn him in advance and ask him to please listen and not argue. The storm passes quicker that way. I also try to be as civil as I can, when I can.

Minding my own damn business. About a year ago I staged a one-woman intervention with my mom and her alcoholism. She was not at all happy with this invasion and felt I had no right to "judge". I overstepped her boundaries, knowingly. But, after a few hours of emotional talking and offering love and acceptance, she did calm down and accept what I had to say. She even agreed to take the vitamins I bought for her and to at least drink a couple of Ensures every day. Now, I believe that she is sober most of the time (losing her father in December was a big setback) and she seems much happier. I have no qualms about this boundary violation and would do it again. However, I did try to handle it as delicately as possible because I knew that I was assaulting her current lifestyle and challenging her choices.

A boundary violation that I can't justify is when I have used manipulative tactics in conversation with J. The ways that I have tried to catch him in lies, or when I have been feeling something negative but denied it. Passive-aggression on my part. Getting so caught up in my pain that I invalidated his. These are behaviors I am working on weeding out of my repertoire, and I think I have been pretty damn successful so far. It's a work in progress. Learning to recognize when he does these things has helped me to see that they are not good ways to communicate with your loved ones and thus to start seeing it when I do them as well. I've gotten really good at catching myself and stopping, except when the conversation has already degenerated too far, and then I definitely react in unhealthy ways.

I'm not actually going to do this exercise right now, because when I closed my eyes and just allowed myself to feel, I felt pretty numb. I will do it later, matter of fact I couldn't help but think of answers to the questions when I read them, but I suspect it will be more productive if I am having stronger feelings when I sit.

But I did want to address something that caught my attention in a big way:
Emotional Patterns--Chaos

The other area to be aware of in terms of emotions in recovery, is the common pattern that some couples (most often the partners of those in recovery) find themselves in: that of perpetuating emotional chaos within the relationship. This can most often be seen in situations where there has been an emotional void within the relationship (or lack of intimacy) prior to the discovery of the compulsive behavior. Such a discovery (or ongoing suspicion of such behavior), opened up a window of communication that, while it may be unhealthy, is never-the-less better than the emotional void that was previously experienced within the relationship.

Wow, this paragraph is definitely dead-on with my situation. A lot of people here have expressed the feeling that they thought everything was okay, that they thought their SOs were wonderful loving people... until they found out about the addictive behaviors. I did not have that experience, or at least I haven't had that for so long that I can't remember it. True, the shock of finding his stash (again) was immense, and it did shatter everything that I had hoped was true about us, but I wasn't happy before that either. As has been expressed throughout this thread, I have dealt with an almost systemic degradation of myself for years. It was slow and painful, and I fought it fiercely. I hated it and I knew I was hurting, and I knew I felt like J was causing a lot of it. There was most certainly a "void within the relationship."

After the shock of discovery, I have found a lot of relief in simply having a name for what I'd been struggling against for so long. More the associated behaviors than anything, because while the acting out is an immense betrayal and definitely matters, I think it was the lying and the manipulation and the invalidation that did the most damage to me. I finally had a reason to believe that I am not crazy, unable to function, or a complete emotional wreck. And that realization was HUGE. I finally had a voice, but it was already so used to saying bad things, and after being ignored for long, it is eager to get it all out. Over and over. Discovery/diagnosis did open a door to me being able to communicate without believing that I was just a needy, suspicious, triflin', psycho... and oh boy, did I I ever have a flood of things to say. To myself, to J, to my gentle readers.

But it did come after a long long while of fighting and struggling and hurting, of attacking and defending, of total emotional chaos. The knowledge that I needed to combat the unhealthy habits, came well after the bad patterns and habits and assumptions had been established. I now know that this chaos was not all my fault and that it was real, but I don't know what to do with that knowledge in terms of emotional stability within the relationship now.

When this pattern of emotionally extreme communication (e.g. yelling, confronting, accusing, challenging, controlling, obsessing, threatening, etc.) continues over several months or more...it becomes more of an expectation within the relationship, rather than a reaction to the initial crisis. So much so that, when such extreme emotions are not being experienced...the relationship (and the recovery/healing processes) feels as if it has stalled (again, usually by the partner). It is the emotional extremes that have become the standard way for partners to measure the progress of their relationships. When they are emotional, they are progressing. When they are calm, they are stalled. This pattern can also be seen in individuals over the course of their lives, and the "need for emotional chaos" pattern is used in much the same way as others use addiction. But for today's lesson, we will focus only on the pattern in relation to the discovery/suspicion of the compulsive behavior. (bolds are mine)

Um. Yeah. I think this is a very real possibility for what is happening in my life right now. I know I have always had emotional chaos, and it has become a pattern. And, I believe the same is true for J in a different way (that he has always been surrounded by it), which I'm sure would exacerbate the situation.

I know that I absolutely have to explore the possibility that this is what is going on, that perhaps his recovery is not stalling out and slipping back and of doubtful sincerity.

But I know I also need to make sure that I don't fool myself back into the same trap or believing things that cannot be believed. That I don't use this relatively small part of my education here to blind myself.

And I know that I need to break this pattern. For J, for the relationship, but also for me. I am not happy in this chaos.

But, the next lesson, that on "Establishing Balance and Stability" is missing/under construction. I really think that lesson may have been a boon to me right now. I think I'll ask advice on the support forum.

Life continues to be crazy-making, but I can feel things slowly stabilizing, at least inside of me. I have been working really hard on boundaries and on living based on my values. Really hard. But it is not easy... doesn't even seem to be getting easier... but I've been told that it will.

Again, this is one of those rambles I post here to try to organize my thoughts and also to put them out into the Universe.

J has been fighting me on boundaries. This is pretty much what I expected, but not at all what I'd hoped for. I am unsure if I should take his fighting me on this as a sign of insincerity in making changes, or simply as part of the process. It is a paradigm shift for us, and it makes sense that it would take time for him to adjust. Still, that would be so much easier to believe if he weren't so stubborn about it in the moment. I mean, during the good times he is open to me asserting my boundaries, but those are also the times when he isn't overstepping them. But in the bad moments, he crosses one of my lines (generally by being passive aggressive or hostile or trying to shut down my communication), and I tell him that I don't like being treated that way (or that I feel ___ when he ___) and he just denies have done it. Then he gets mad at me for "accusing" him. It would almost be funny in its predictability if it weren't so infuriating/hurtful.

And him fighting me on these things is actually working against him, but I don't think he understands that, despite my having tried to talk to him about it. I mean, for one thing, the healthier I get, the more tempted I am to just say, "Okay. Forget it," ("it" being the relationship) when he does things that seem to be evidence of an unhealthy (or insincere) recovery. I'm just so tired of all of it, and especially tired of taking his shit. I am at the point where I really believe that my healing would be a lot easier if I told him to get lost.

Easier, yes. But it's not what I would prefer to have happen. Obviously. I would prefer if he and I could have a healthy relationship with each other. If he would either commit himself to recovery or find a way to show me that he has committed (because, of course, he maintains that he has), and then things could improve. So, I'm still at that point where part of me would rather end the chaos and the fighting and just get down to the business of healing with no distractions or pointless obstacles. But part of me still isn't entirely convinced that it's a lost cause.

And, yes, I really did want happily ever after with him. Still do. Only I have to give myself some credit in that at least now it's a matter of I really hope that he can grow up enough to be a part of my happily ever after. The desire for this is still very strong.

But so is the desire for peace. For sanity. And he just doesn't "get" that the balance of these desires is shifting.

And right now the idea of being single doesn't scare me at all. When I think of J and I parting ways the first drawbacks that come to mind are A) then I would have to mow the lawn, and we live on a busy street, and I feel very self-conscious doing anything outside, let alone something physical and loud, B) getting groceries and cat supplies would be a bitch on the bus, and C) I know that he would do everything in his power to make my life hell after that (like driving by the house repeatedly just so I can see how happy he is, or making sure he says as many cruel things as possible on his way out the door, because gods know we could never part even remotely amicably). I don't think first that I love him and don't want to lose him (maybe that is the case, but I don't pretend to have my head together enough to know). And then I think about how I've come so damn far and I don't want to give up now, when maybe now we're finally getting close to a better place, like this relationship is just some marathon that I want to finish. Because I have given it so much, and I don't want to walk away from the possibility of it finally paying off. Like a slot machine. And while I wish I had more faith in it than I would in said slot machine, I just don't anymore.

The other stupid way he undermines himself with all of the continued crap, is that he is constantly complaining of loneliness, yet he is the one who does things to make me want/need to keep my distance.

And I am lonely, too. I am loneliest when he is around me. And every day, as we say our "goodnights" and retire to our separate sleeping spaces, it hurts. It fucking really hurts. I miss him. I miss cuddling. I miss watching him sleep (he used to have such an innocent little-boy vibe when he slept, but that was years ago). And I miss kissing and touching and sex.

But I also cannot abide being that close to him. I have waited 5 months now for something resembling disclosure, to see a consistent and sustained effort at recovery, to see him snap out of his fucking head long enough to care how tired I am. To care enough about honesty to give me that. To start taking steps in the right direction and then keep taking them. Instead, it's fits and starts. Currently it's maybe a couple hours a week spent on RN, and the rest of the time getting mad at me if I still doubt his sincerity. Yelling at me that nothing is ever good enough for me and I've always been that way, until I finally reply that: No. Being lied to is not good enough for me. Being manipulated is not good enough for me. Being cheated on is not good enough for me. And, sure, maybe I didn't know what was going on, but he has no right to bitch about me being discontent when he was behaving in a way that would make anyone miserable.

But after 5 months of "recovery" my impatience only grows. If he's really so sincere about this, then why is it still a battle between us? Why is he still so willing to keep me in this terrible limbo by withholding information? And being a jerk sometimes? And not just getting off his ass and working really really hard to get healthy? Why does it make seemingly no difference to him that I am hurting so bad, and struggling so much? Why the fuck won't he step up and give me something to feel hopeful about?

And not just me (of course). I really cannot wrap my head around why, if he is sincere and committed, he is not gung-ho, all in, giving it his all? Because what does he really have, as long as he's mired in addictive thought patterns and maladaptive coping mechanisms? Isn't his life way more messed up by this than mine? How can he not feel desperate to get better?

Most of the time, anymore, I just want him gone. I have such a hard time getting and maintaining my detachment when I have to see him all the time. It is so hard to eat dinner every day with someone you are so deeply furious with. It's like part of me can't bear to hate him and still be around him, so I dull it. I smooth the corners. I make small talk, and try to tell him how I'm feeling. And after that I still feel so lonely. But without the privilege of actually getting to be alone.

And I feel more and more emptiness when I think of him. I feel rage, and hate, and disdain. I feel betrayed. I feel like he is nothing more than a lying, cheating, selfish, shallow, child. It used to be that sometimes I could still feel the love that I had for him, still feel like he is a victim, too. Like there's a good person struggling to get out. But with every day that goes by with me struggling on my own to make my emotional ends meet, with every callous gesture he makes, every time he doesn't cry, or soften, or fucking prove that he cares, I see that goodness in him a little less.

On February 9th, Coach Mel said to me:

And maybe this is exactly what's happened. Even though I tried not to help... but I don't know how not to.

I don't think that I know how. Maybe it's all or nothing thinking on my part, but I either want to see him moving forward, to have some surety that he is moving forward, or I just want him gone.

And I have stepped back. I have told him that if he wants to be my partner, he has to earn it. He has to win me back, convince me. That I am no longer willing to compromise what I want from my life, and that a healthy partner (or no partner at all) who loves the shit out of me and makes me smile, is something I expect for myself. And when I tell him this, he just says that he is working on recovery... that he is being honest... that he is trying to give me a reason to believe in him...

Gods. Maybe we are back to "normal". Only now "normal" doesn't involve me hating myself and thinking that I am crazy.

There are so many boundaries and desires and such that I am striving to honor, and all he can ever say is that he is doing good enough. I say he's being passive aggressive, he says he's not. I say he's being hostile, he says he's not. I say he is working on his recovery half-assed (okay, I word it better than that, but that is what I mean), he says he's not. My needs are not being met, and all he can say is that he is doing everything he can to meet them, and then whine at me when I detach.

Like it's any easier for me...? Seeing him in my home all the time Smelling him. Wanting alternately to save him and to just be rid of him. Like I relish crying all the damn time, and I'm having so much fun forcing myself to step away from the person I used to be so sure was the love of my life. Knowing that I cannot drop my guard or he will hurt me... Him. The guy I wanted to marry.

It's funny, because a couple of months ago he started really putting in effort to help me feel better. He started doing romantic things (which he has not done since the first months of us dating), he talked to me like he finally saw how amazing I am, he made plans to save up a little money to actually get me a x-mas present (3 months late, but still) and came up with some really thoughtful ideas of what, in short, he was finally treating me like I deserve to be treated. But now here we are. The x-mas present has not happened. There have been no love notes on my Facebook wall or in cards for months. The conversations wherein he acts like he is aware of how lucky he is to have me have all but ceased. But he swears nothing has changed.

This is how he drove me to believe I was a head case before. Telling me over and over that my perceptions of the relationship were wrong. Emotional gaslighting.

And I try to maintain my strength in the face of this. Because even though I know I am not perfect, I have to believe that I am the more mentally healthy one here. But it does feel wrong to me. It goes against how I was raised, and who I've striven to become, to just dismiss out of hand any opinion that differs from mine. But if I give him credence, he will use it to twist everything up again. Isn't part of the point of recovery realizing that you've got a whole set of maladaptive behaviors and perceptions built up around you? So is it indicative of insincere recovery that he often holds to these beliefs as strongly now as he did before?

AAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!!! (that was my interwebs scream.)

I guess the only conclusion I can come to is to keep my distance and maintain my boundaries. But I am so tired. I don't get days off from this battle. I can't punch out and go home.

Maybe what I need is a vacation from it. Permission (from myself) to just stop. To rest from this, too.

So, I guess that is what I need to think through. To figure out an action plan for my Vacation from Addiction Land. How to get rest from J's shit and from my own stress and anger and pain.

In my emotional-rollercoaster meets trial-and-error efforts at healing and protecting myself I have obviously been struggling. So, I think and I journal and I vent and I get through. But it is trial-and-error (with a lot of help provided by the guidance on here). And now I am trying a new thing. A new way of thinking. A mental shift. Behaviorally, I don't even know for sure how this will translate.

Anyway, I am giving myself permission to take a vacation. I don't mean that I will allow all my healing work to go away, or that I will even necessarily stop making forward strides there. But I am going to allow myself to let go.

I have tried everything I can think of to make sure I am not managing J's recovery (with the exceptions of setting a couple of boundaries as to how long I will wait to see measurable progress), but it seems to keep slipping back in. I guess because my definition of managing is different from what it means in this context, and playing outside of that strict definition has not been productive. I mean, I've asked him questions as to how he's doing (in general as well as with his recovery work), I've reminded him (more often than I mean to, but far less often than I wanted to) that the spare time he is struggling to fill here and there could be spent on RN, and I have tried to guide him sometimes to things that I have been learning about this whole thing (everything from how useful and helpful the forums here are, to different ways of conceptualizing the addiction, mostly as being separate from his "self"). And, now, I am giving myself permission to take off the training wheels. (And "training wheels" really helps me feel better about this, because while my help may have been needed to get him going somewhat, and my advice as to how to ride a bike may have been advantageous, I can face it that it is just time to let him try riding on his own. I have given him all the help I can... so my efforts weren't a waste, but it is time for him to take this into his own hands entirely.)

This feels very different in my head, even if it seems like the same thing I've been told over and over. I guess forbidding myself to do something makes it feel like a thing I have to resist. Whereas giving myself permission not to do it feels more... acceptable? It feels like a positive something rather than a negative.

Note: I know that terming this a "vacation" definitely implies that this is temporary. But I don't think this part of it will be (though I am giving myself permission to try other stuff if this trial turns out to be an error). I chose to take a vacation because I am so stressed and tired and burnt out on this. I kept thinking that this sucks even worse because I can't clock out and go home at the end of the day, or look forward to Friday... but then I realized that if this were work or school or any number of other things, this level of burnout would necessitate a break. And it just feels really good to say that I Am Taking A Vacation. I don't know when (or if) I'll come back from this expedition into not-trying-to-maintain-control-over-everything-whether-or-not-I-even-want-to-control-it-just-because-I-am-too-afraid-of-what-will-happen-if-I-don't-land.

Obviously, I won't be jetting off to Tahiti and totally escaping my life, or this part of it, but I am letting go. I am relaxing. "Let go and let God" doesn't fit with my spiritual beliefs, but I can adapt it to the less catchy, "Let go and let The Universe."

I've actually cried more since I decided to take this break, I think because I am no longer feeling like I need to hold anything in for the sake of my partner. So, I get sad, I cry, I embrace it, and then I let it flow away (ideally).

I feel good, though.

:)