Recovery Nation

Lesson 1: Gosh...I don't know where to start. I've been married for 3 years now and been with my husband for 5 years. He has many issues - PTSD, compulsive lying and now sex/internet addiction...as least we think it is. Let me start at the beginning...

My husband was the best guy I'd ever met. He was hard-working, a military veteran, had some financial independence in the form of a house (that he didn't live in) a classic car and many other valuable things. Not that I was looking for a sugar daddy...I was doing fine on my own and always wanted to pull my own weight. But these things told me that he was financially stable and ready to settle down. He moved in with me after our first date (he was living 3 hours away) and we were so in love! We got engaged after 3 months and couldn't wait to get married. About 6 months before our wedding the lies started coming out. He didn't own any of those things he said he did (including the house that was supposed to be sold to help us pay for the house we had bought) and the money that was supposed to go to our wedding was just a lie. I had to borrow against my 401K to pay for everything. He was apologetic and as it turns out he was very ashamed of his past. I can't divulge many details here except to say that he had gone outside of the military restrictions and had done missions "off-the-books" so to speak. He wanted a new life and felt that he'd never be good enough to me the way he was. We got into couples counseling and he was also going to counseling for his PTSD. I thought all of the bad stuff was behind us...I was wrong!

Throughout this time, I would find evidence that he was still talking to other women. Emails with a girl from his past that wanted so badly to be with him and comments from him like "maybe now's our chance to be together". Phone calls with a girl from another state and sexual emails from another account that I didn't know about. This time he said that he was getting "cold feet" and wanted to make sure that I was the right girl.

After we were married, phone calls and txt msgs to a lady he claimed to work with while telling my mother that he didn't care if I checked his phone because I'd never find anything. Different story when you check the bill! Porn sites on the computer, which he tried to clear the history so I didn't see. (I'm a software engineer...I know my way around a computer!) Another woman on FB sending him msgs about meeting up in a few weeks. They'd only been talking for a week so I know he never did meet up with her. More porn sites...charging $250 on his card in one month to watch videos. You get the picture...

Now, all of these occurred in a 4 year period and it was always the same story. I'd be checking the computer or phone account everyday, then once a week, then once every couple weeks. Once I'd finally trust him again and I'd move past the last betrayal it'd happen again. The same warning signs I'd get are the same as the rest of you : he'd start being mean to me, withdrawing, not interested in sex with me, sleeping on the couch, he wasn't going to counseling regularly, etc. The not-so-weird coincidence of it all is that it would ALWAYS occur when something was really stressing him - the purchase of a house, planning a wedding, a break-through in his PTSD leading to bad memories, the upcoming birth of twins. Every time I got the same story "I was stressed/bored, was just fooling around, I don't want to be with anyone but you, I love you, I'm sorry, I'll never do it again".

Now, throughout this time I will say that I knew this was NOT my fault. Not once did I think that, even when he would make comments that it was. In the end, every time, he'd admit that it was his fault and then he'd share somethings about his life that would make me feel sympathetic towards him. I know he had a rough childhood, mental and physical abuse and just recently I learned that there was sexual abuse too. I wanted to help him through this and I still do...crazy or not I still want to help him.

Recently, I found maybe the worst episode so far. I found a dating site that he had a profile on for the last 1.5 years, but had only be really active on since Nov. I found two secret email account with LOTS of dirty pictures! Now, there was no emails that talked about actually having physical sex but they did talk about getting together. I confronted him and at first he tried to lie (of course) until I informed him that I'd placed an internet monitor program on the computer and had proof of every website he'd gone too. He admitted everything and now we're here once again. I wnt to mention that I'm now pregnant with twin boys that are due in a few months. Wonderful timing huh?? While researching emotional affairs I stumbled across sexual addiction and I think this is the problem. I sent the information to him and he's agreed that it might be the problem. Three weeks after discovering all of this I checked the phone bill and he's continued to text on of the girls that he was emailing. He said that he had to end it "his way", but the only reason it ended was because I was in his email account and told this girl that he was married. Even though he says that he was going to end it that day I don't believe that he would have if I hadn't talked to her.

I told him to get out and even started packing up his stuff for him. He said that from now on it's only him and me and he just needs one more chance to prove it to me. I will say that I'm on the fence right now and I've told him that I don't know what I want to do. I've told him the only hope of saving this marriage and being around for his children is to get help. He says he's on board with it and has told me that he'll do whatever he has to in order to resist these urges. I don't believe him (obviously) and he knows that and knows that he has to prove it to me by his actions.

Sorry this was so long. Thanks to anyone who stuck in long enough to read the whole thing!

Lesson 2:
For the moment, my vision does not include my husband. Not because there’s no place in my future for him, but I’m not sure what role he’s going to play.

First, I see myself completely devoted to my babies. I’m expecting twin boys in May/June and my life needs to stay focused on them. Whether or not their father is still there, my boys need to have a stable family environment. I will not allow my husband’s addiction or anger be around my babies. If this means that I will be a single mom, than that’s what I’ll have to do in order to give my babies the best life I can!

Second, I see myself becoming more spiritual. Through all of this I’ve put some distance between myself and God. I’ve been feeling that He should be doing more to help me, or that I shouldn’t be in this situation. After more reflection, I know that it’s not God’s fault, it’s my husband’s. I know that God cannot change this situation, or won’t, and that it’s unfair to ask Him to. I need to change it, and I need God’s support and the support of my friends and family. I’ve only started going back to church and I’m planning on praying more for guidance and support.

Third, I see myself focusing on my recovery. I cannot control what my husband does or whether he gets help. What I can control is whether or not I get help. I will put a lot of time and energy into this program and focus less on what he’s doing. I realize that I need to heal me whether he heals or not so I can be there for my babies.

Lesson 3:

There have been many times that I just knew that something was going on, yet I would allow my heart to overrule my mind.

A. 1. Most recently, back in Dec I knew that he was doing something again. I checked the phone and there was nothing there. I checked the computer history...nothing. I had already put monitoring software on one computer and he knew about that, but I hadn't put it on the other computer yet. I knew that I should, but I guess I didn't have the strength to find out what was going on. I finally put it on in January and I was right! I still suspect that one of these talked about encounters may have resulted in a real encounter, although he adamantly denies this.
2. In October 2010, I just knew before I looked at his credit card statement that there'd be more porn charges on it again. Anytime he gets enough credit built up that's what he does.
3. Around Easter 2009 again I had the gut feeling that something was going on. I'm still not sure what the real story is here, but again I wonder if he went as far as to have sex with her.
4. November 2006, again, the feeling was there. I found phone calls and emails to a woman in NJ and emails to a former friend that had always wanted to be with him.
I'm sure there have been others...those are the ones I can recall.

B. 1. After finding out in January about H's dating profile and his secret email account my gut told me that it wasn't "over"...that there was something else to find. H convinced me that he hadn't given out his cell phone number this time and that there was nothing else to find. I ignored my gut and believed him...for awhile anyway.
2. Back around Easter time 2009 I knew there was something going on and kept checking his phone and his email. H told me that I'd never find anything and even told my mother that he knew I looked at his phone, and that was fine because there was nothing there to hide. I convinced myself, for awhile, that if he told my mother that there must not be anything.
3. Not pertaining to SA/PA, but back in 2006, before we bought our house H was supposedly trying to sell a house he owned to give us a down payment for the house we bought. I went ahead with the sale, even though I had a gut feeling that there was no house to sell. I was right, but didn't confirm this until much later!

C. 1. Any time my H is acting withdrawn and angry all of the time my gut says that there's something going on. I want so badly to believe my H when he gives me excuses of why he's being this way, but the real reason is always because he's doing something wrong.
2. When my H stops doing things around the house. This is an indication that he's spending his time doing other things, but when he tells me he's just too tired or busy doing other work that I "don't understand" I might not have an issue believing my gut.

Lesson 4:

I've had a REALLY hard time with this one! I've thought about this for the last day and am still having a hard time coming up with values. I will write down what I have come up with...

1. List of values that are a part of H:
A. Sense of humor - he jokes around a lot and can put a smile on my face most of the time.
B. Hard worker - he works hard at his job and has achieved a lot in the short time he's been there. He does work hard on our house renovation.
C. Protective of his friends and family - if anyone threatened me or our kids I know that he could protect us from harm.
D. He's always there for a friend in need
E. He's very modest, possibly to a fault.
F. He's optimistic - he's always telling me that things will be OK and that we will work through it.

2. List of qualities posing a threat:
A. Honesty - being that he's a recovering compulsive liar, this will continue to be an issue...probably for the rest of our lives.
B. Dependability - even though he'd do anything for a friend, sometimes my life and our relationship take a bad seat. He's not always as anxious to work on us as he is to work on a friend's situation.
C. Sensitive to my thoughts and feelings - if they conflict with his he's not always willing to listen to it.
D. That he might still try to exert control - he tries to tell me what to do, but I don't listen to it. I'm constantly telling him that I don't follow orders and that I'm not his subordinate.
E. Lack of emotions - he doesn't know how to express his emotions, so anytime he's feeling anything it comes out as anger.
F. Sincerity - he thinks the best way to deal with problems is to avoid them, so he's say what he thinks I want to hear, but that's not really what he wants. I.e. he'll make a deal about something, but end up going behind my back and doing whatever he wants. He didn't really want to make the deal, but did so just to avoid an argument.

Lesson 5: I'm having a hard time with this one, so bear with me!

A. I manage my stress by doing things that are relaxing to me. Like listening/singing to music, playing with my dogs, watching tv, all of this helps me calm down and relax. I don't know what it would take for me to turn to irrational behavior. Maybe something tragic like a family member passing away, or something happening to me. I cannot think of a time that I've resorted to irrational behavior.

B. My first thought was that I didn't have any compulsive behaviors, but after googling types of compulsive behaviors I guess I do have one...arranging DVDs, CDs and books alphabetically. Not only alphabetically, but the DVDs are broken into Disney, Dreamworks and everything else. Books are by author's last name, first, then book title. I do get anxious and upset when a DVD isn't put back in the right place. Sometimes I try to ignore it, since H has done it purposely to get a rise out of me, but I can't focus on anything else until it's put in the right place. Afterwards, I feel a relief that it's now in the right place and I'll be able to find it next time (at least, that's the excuse I use for needing to do this).

C. Hmmm...what would my H be like without his compulsive behaviors? Well, he's not in direct contact with his emotions at all! He doesn't understand any emotion other than anger, so I supposed without his compulsions he'd be more angry and possibly violent. I know in the past he's chosen unhealthy outlets for this anger - alcohol, smoking, fighting, just to enact these angry feelings.

Hi rmp,
Welcome to Recovery Nation. I see that you have been busy with the lessons and have taken the term "self-help" the way it's meant to be - just want you to know, though, that folks like me will check in with you from time to time to offer advice, make comments, etc. I know you never expected to be here seeking help and healing - none of us expect it let alone having to deal with the fallout of this kind of betrayal. You have taken the first step in seeking help to heal yourself. That said, you have found an amazing and unique site that addresses the emtional upheaval that the partner of the SA faces. Here you will find the support, advice, and an amazing structure on which to "hang" your experiences so you stand back to take a good look, learning as you go. Find a comfortable pace for yourself keeping in mind that each lesson builds on the previous one - it's a process unique to each of us. If you have questions, need to vent, want to share your experiences, the Community Forum is a wonderful resources and source of support.


This because you had the tools to deal with life. This is not an excuse for his behavior. Never an excuse. An explaination only.

Good insight into yourself as well as how he has used it - getting a rise out of you because he knows he can.


Another good insight. He doesn't have the tools to deal with his emotions in a healthy way. That's part of the SA's job - develop the healthy values needed and the tools to protect those values.


I can identify with this. Seeking validation and acceptance from a source outside of yourself is common among SAs. It's something that he will need to discover for himself and learn how he can be his own source. His job, not yours.

You are doing well. I suggest that you add some "nuts and bolts" to your vision that speak to you as an individual. I realize as a new mother to be, your focus is on your babies and the life you want to give them. I remember how much my babies meant to me. But don't forget the other components that complete your life. What else gives you joy? What do you do to maintain your health? What are your interests, hobbies, family connections? Include all the other parts of what you value in life. Add them as you continue to evolve knowing that this vision will be a roadmap of sorts for you to use as you continue to heal. We all need lots of pillars. Practical but so important.

Again, welcome. Please give yourself the Gift of Patience in your healing process.

Nellie James