Recovery Nation

Exercise 1A
I am so grateful to have found this workshop so that I can begin healing. *Enormous sigh of relief!* I don't have anyone to talk to about this (my husband used to be my confidante) so this thread may contain some heavy reading. My husband and I started dating in our jr year of highschool so we've been together 20 years as of yesterday. We've been married 11 years this summer. When we were first dating our relationship was platonic, maybe celibate is a better word. We had no close physical contact for around 8 months and even then we didn't have sex for over a year. I did not make this choice, he did. It seems strange now, knowing what I know, but I thought he was just excessively gentleman-like. After school he went straight to college and I went into party mode. We stayed together but I had a few affairs and he developed his penchant for strip clubs, porn and massage parlors. When we became engaged several years later we both owned up to these mistakes, all was forgiven and I never looked at another man sexually again. He stopped going to strip clubs and getting 'massages' but his porn use only got worse and more sneaky. He says he has stopped several times only to start up again. He is not allowed to view it at home so he was wasting time on it at work. He would plan his week around when he could be alone in the office. He was also staying up REALLY late on our computer at home, getting around our no porn rule by using flikr to drool over pictures of real women. He acted like I must be insane to be be angry about pictures of *mostly* clothed women. He convinced me that I was either crazy, depressed, post-pardem or all 3 for overreacting about pictures. I actually went on Zoloft to curb my reactions to his being home late or up late,etc. Now I realize that my reactions were appropriate to the offense and am extremely hurt that I let him make me believe that I'm the one with the problem. I even used to watch porn with him because I thought that he wouldn't want it alone if he was having sex with me afterward. Fast forward to Dec 23,10 (thanks for the lovely Christmas present, hon). He and I were watching a (PG) movie together when I accidentally (really) hit the browser history. Of course there was something on there about "barely legal, quadruple DDDD, sexy girls, blahblahblah". I asked where it came from and he said he'd been looking at it at work. I left the room as he was asking if I wanted to talk about it now. I couldn't say anything coherent at that point so I took a shower to calm down. At this point I was still worried about making sure I didn't say anything hurtful to him. When I came back he was writing a letter to me that began with, 'I think its time I admit that I need help.' I quizzed him down as to the extent of the problem. We immediately started ordering and reading books about porn addiction. After a few days of reading we realized that he is a compulsive masturbator. We didn't even realize there was such a thing. I never discouraged it because I've always believed that a person has a right to masturbate and that its no one else's business. I didn't realize that it was a compulsion and I didn't know how much it took from me and our relationship. He has always enjoyed sex with me but it is simply more work than masturbation. :( He is now working thru "The Sex Addiction Workbook" and it seems to be helping him understand the magnitude and far-reaching consequences of his actions. However, it doesn't help me at all. I think over all we would both like to avoid my complicated and inconvenient emotions surrounding the issue, but I am pushing on anyway. He will be starting the recov program on here once he's thru the workbook. and we'll be doing the couples program together.

Past: The life I have led has been marked mostly by responsibility. I'm the person that everyone used to go to for everything. When we decided to start a family I began consciously trying to wean my extended family from their dependence on me. Years later I am still struggling with this somewhat. In certain situations I know that they've seen me as hard-hearted but I'm committed to the tough love route for my benefit and theirs. I now pour all of my energy into my husband and children. I still want to be available and nurturing to my children but I'm not sure where my husband fits into this equation. I know that I want our marriage to continue and heal but I'm afraid to put my trust out there again. In the last few weeks I've been trying to "help" my husband (hey, helping is what I do, remember?) in his recovery efforts. Since getting into the Workshop I've learned that this is not a good idea so I've backed off and started working on my own healing instead. I haven't told him yet and I think he's feeling a bit abandoned, but he's plugging away at his workbook anyway. Future: I see my husband and I in a relationship where he is able to handle my concerns without making me feel damaged or hysterical. I see myself free from the urge to "bait" him into an argument in order to bring him out where I can see him. I will know who he is without the addiction and most importantly, I will know myself without the constant worry, suspicion and anxiety. I like myself better already.

Ex 3a
Where to begin? We've had three major d-days and many more small ones. The one that looms largest in my mind right now is of course the most recent because my husband's finally willing to admit that he needs help and to pursue recovery. The 2nd time I was post-pardem and nursing my baby when I found porn on our laptop. Of course our d-days tend to follow or precede big events in our life. Before we got married, after we had kids, before Christmas, etc. I was taught by my mother that a woman should ALWAYS believe her instincts, that 'still, small voice' that tells you when something's not right. It rarely fails me. I was suspicious of his behavior and immediately checked out our laptop. Of course there was porn on there even tho he knew it was not acceptable. Even tho he claimed to be so swamped at work that he couldn't get home on time, he was still insisting that he needed some alone time and was staying up really late on the internet. His getting home late and not helping with the dinner circus is an on going theme in our relationship. I was livid and so hurt at the time. I was in that post-baby-hate-your-body/not-getting-any-sleep phase and he was looking at porn again. Nothin' like kicking me when I'm down! All of these things are hurtful but it got much worse when I confronted him about it. He, as usual, acted like I was crazy and he was saddled to a neurotic wife.
ExB
The above situation is one time in which I overrode my instincts. I went to the doctor following this scene because I was concerned about my anxiety and inability to accept my husband's "right" to stay up late, get home late and look at porn. I couldn't sleep even when I had a chance and I hated myself. I also developed a compulsion to pull out my hair. I went on Zoloft but his behavior didn't change. I just continued to second-guess my reactions to the pain.

Ex 3c
Things I think may continue to trigger conflict:
-Trying to get around porn boundaries by looking at "just pictures"
-He scans but has never been one to rub my face in it. However, even thought he's trying to abstain, I'm still scanning every woman in every situation and wondering if she's what he's looking for and comparing myself to her.
-His folks, especially his mother. We've had BIG problems in the past with him telling her everything we do and giving her opportunities to blatantly disapprove of me and our life in general. I've pretty much sworn off of contact with her, but he sees or talks to them every day. He is constantly trying to win her approval. Of course, he is allowed a bit of approval as I'm the truly repulsive one. There is absolutely no privacy from them...except when it comes to this addiction issue. Neither one of us is chomping at the bit to share this...
-His computer use online at work. My gut tells me that he doesn't want to look at porn. But when I suggested that he stay off the internet at work except for work related things he defended it strenuously. I think some part of him is protecting this habit so that he still has a trigger to fall back on so that he doesn't actually have to quit. Its weird how he treated me in this situation. When it comes to porn he acts like I'm his mother (just trying to ruin all his fun) and he's a rebellious teenager. yuck. It creeps me out when he does this. Its like he's grooming us into his parents. I don't want to be his mother. I want to be his wife.
-Putting me in the bad-guy, crazy bitch role.
One positive thing, I think we've finally solved the getting home late issue.

Ex 4

1.It feels good to do this exercise, as I know that the man I'm in love with is in there, under that addiction fog.
-He believes in God and is working on strengthening his beliefs. He reads the Word in the morning now and it helps him control the urges.
-Excellent father. I couldn't ask for better...other than I wish he wouldn't get the kids riled up right before bed. ;) They look up to him and he takes this responsibility seriously. Part of the reason he's focusing on recovery is because he doesn't want them to "notice" on some level and skew their perception.
-Takes his job and other responsibilities seriously.
-He doesn't shirk his household duties off onto me. If things aren't done around our house its because we've made the choice to slack off together.
-Enjoys his time with me especially on the rare occasion that we get a date.
-Wildy generous and caring lover.
-Has worked with me in the last 2 years to help us become (fairly) financially independent.

ex 5A
Ideally I manage stress by praying or calling my aunt and cleaning whiloe we talk for 4 hours. Well, mine is not an ideal world. Sometimes I do these things but more often I engage in my own compulsion of pulling out my hair. As I told my husband, I understand his compulsive masturbation because I understand what its like to be compelled to do something you don't really want to do. I'm trying to recover from my compulsion in the interest of taking better care of myself.
5B
Because of my mostly-absent-anyway father abandoning us (me) I know that I have some abandonment *issues.* My husband's addiction plays on these issues. I don't know how I would deal with this stuff if I didn't pull my hair out. But due to my compulsion stopping workshop I'm starting to find out. (So far I've crocheted and torn out a hat and a string bag and made 2 balls for my kids out of chenille sticks and eaten half a pan of brownies.) My fine, straight as a stick/unfashionably long and frizzy/curly by turns hair has always been the embodyment of everything that's not good enough about me. Therefore, I take my frustrations out on my hair. Its also always been a source of conflict between my father and me. So, abandonment anxiety =feelings of helplessness=pulling my hair out=abandonment anxiety=....and on and on and on ad nauseum. I'm trying to learn to be nice to my hair, its really not such bad hair after all. Its soft, a shiny brown with a few (well deserved) silver strands. ;)
exC
If my h didn't have these addictions how would he handle anxiety,emotions,stress,and how would he stimulate himself emotionally? I'm not sure, as I've never known him without it. I think maybe he would do what he's doing now and read the Word/pray. Maybe he would talk to me instead of shutting me out and then spilling his guts to his parents. He used to spend hours and hours playing video games in a trance, so he'd probably be doing that too. Like me, he tends to stress eat so he'd do that to the detriment of his diabetes. Ideally we'd spend time together, fishing, hunting,crafts or any of the other things we enjoy together instead of wasting all this energy pulling out our hair and masturbating.

I've been writing my responses down in a notebook and am just getting around to typing them in.
Stage 1, lesson 6
B.
-No sense of time or no sense of how much time it takes to do things.
-Sees himself as/wants to be a spontaneous person but in reality he's just distracted/irresponsible.
-Brings me little "gifts" of sweets, etc, when he feels guilty abt. being home late.
-Constant wanting to get alone.
-Age-inappropriate dependence on his parents because of being "stuck" @ an immature emotional level.
I'll add more as I think of them.
C. Sexualized mind-yes
Objectified mind-yup
Immediate gratification-yes
All or nothing Perception- oh, yeah.

Stage 1, ex 7
A. I think I'm/we're communicationg pretty well. I'm trying not to bombard him w/my feelings. I'm slooooowly letting him know how I feel and I'm trying to encourage him to talk and trying to be supportive of his efforts. Phew, that's a lot of "trying", but, well, I'm trying... He's still at the point where his self-view and world-view are skewed but I see he's making a real effort so I'm not correcting all of his misperceptions-only if its very important.
II. I led him to this site and I've ordered a couple books for him, including the workbook he finished a while ago. We're doing the couples workshop. I listen to his workbook responses but I'm surprising myself with my ability to be detached. I want to let him take responsibility, I know he needs to.
III. I'm trying to be gentle with him. I'm tryin not to force his knowledge of the extent of my pain. I want him to be healthy. I know he can do it and I won't allow either of us to harbor feelings of failure. I'm monitoring both of us for saboteurs.

B. I have no resources other than this workshop. He has me for support but, obviously, I can't depend on or lean on him for much support. I don't know what to do about this. I don't have friends or family that I want to share this with. I'm thinking of suggesting that we start going to church. We've tried before but never felt like we fitted in, but I would like us to gain some positive friendships.
C. I guess I have to find some support for myself but I honestly don't know how.
I need to allow him to swim on his own so that he's not "cushioned" by me. This will help him to be vulnerable to the lessons he needs to learn.
Putting consequences into place has helped me to worry a lot less about his acting out. It's his responsibility to refrain and to self-report if he doesn't.

Stage 1, Lesson 8
A. My H hasn't started the recov workshop yet. I believe he's sincere in pursuing recov-but doesn't have insight into how to change. These are the healthy/unhealthy signs I see, so far. Healthy: He wants to change. He's starting to notice the far-reaching effects-he's trying not to look at women for sexual purposes, he's ashamed at having done this to people in the past and now feels like its gotten to a "skeevy", "dirty-old man level" and is disgusted by it. He's going thru the Couples wkshp w/me and taking it seriously. Wants me to trust that he's told me everything, but understands why I still have doubts. He's no longer fighting for his "right" to engage in negative behavior.-Reading his Bible most mornings (i.e. starting to replace bad things w/values-based, healthy coping skills.)
B. Unhealthy indicator: Focusing on stopping the behavior. Focusing on recovery for the sake of the kids and me, although I think this is starting to shift toward recovering because he wants to.
-A few nights ago he took a ride past one of his old cruising haunts to prove that he could do it and says he kept his eyes on the radio the whole time. Sigh. So, driving past cruising grounds with his eyes OFF the road is supposed to be a GOOD thing!? But, he did fess up and knew that he shouldn't have tested himself in the first place. So, c'est la vie. Whatever...
C. We're talking about it in a calm, measured way several times a week. He's very forthcoming about it and we're pretty comfortable talking about addiction related issues. I think we're communicating fairly well.
C. 3 issues I'd like to see changed: 1. I want him to be able to pursue recovery because its healthy, not because I want him to.
2. I'd like him to start the Recov Wkshop, its almost like he's scared of it.
3. I'd like him to stop trying to "test" himself and realize that this is just another way that the addiction protects itself.

Stage 2, Lesson 1, exercise 11
Letter to my husband. This was a really tough one. There's so much sorrow hiding in me.

My dear, sweet boy. Do you remember him? So young. So, so young. Thick black hair, innocent face. Studious glasses (I've always had a weakness for smart boys. ;) For over a year I hardly knew how soft your hands were. I thought you were just shy, and I liked a boy who didn't paw and grope like the others. I wish I could go back and rescue that poor, lost boy. I wish I could tell my little girl self how to help you. It never occurred to me until recently that you didn't need me. At all. I needed you so much. You had everything you needed in your magazines and in yourself. I had no idea that a boy could turn down sex with a girl to choose to go home and masturbate. All this time, for 20 years, I thought that you decided to make love to me that first time because you were finally ready. I respected you for that. That sense of responsibility helped me to fall in love with you. But that wasn't the truth was it? You just knew that you had to give it up some time in order to keep me. What a sad, sad start for two kids so young. I saw and felt the strangeness of the situation. A 17 yr old girl has no way of reconciling what she knows about boys with her love for a boy who loves himself. If that boy had only reached out to me, trusted me and decided to truly be with me... It hurts so much to look back at the cherished memories of a kind, gentle boy and girl who had the whole world ahead of them. I thought I knew them both so well. Did I know anything about you? Anything at all?
Do you remember prom? We were beautiful and so in love. I think.
Do you remember the years of infertility and miscarriages? All the babies that just wouldn't be. All of our little ones waiting for us now in God's arms? Were you even there for that" Reallythere?
Do you remember when our son was born? I know you do because you became, quite suddenly, a thousand times more mature, and a million times more frightened than you'd ever been. I can see you, the real you. When you play with our kids, when you take care of them right along with me. They trust you, they see you too. I see the real you and the real me in them. And when you're with them i see the man you want to be all the time. Soon that man will be your real self. I can't wait to meet you again. I love you. I have never loved anyone but you.

Welcome to Recovery Nation sameoldsameold,

I am really sorry that you do not have anyone else to talk to but I am really glad you found us, the community is an invaluable system of support.

It is understandable that he might feel abandoned given your role over the years (as helper). If you communicate to him in a clear manner that you are backing off and that you are not abandoning him. He might not take it that way but you will be having integrity with what you are doing.

Your vision seems mostly geared around your husband and your children. A balanced vision has many domains of "pillars". A balanced vision will provide focus should any of the areas of your life become damaged or compromised ie. in the event your marriage fails, relying solely on your children for support, either directly or indirectly, is not a balanced way to manage the breakdown. Do you have anything else in your life that you enjoy? Friendships? Extended family? Hobbies? Career? Leisure activities? Another helpful way to approach vision is from the values or attributes that you possess that are transferrable across all domains of your life, that you can identify with and take on as part of who you are as a person. As you progress through, you will want to look at expanding your vision (don't worry~there are future lessons where you get to work on this).

Your mother obviously posessed wisdom! And likewise, given that you are so in tune with your instincts, so do you! It's an invaluable talent!

In many ways, at least in terms of the addiction, they are still children or adolescents (emotionally) and when confronted they revert to child-like tactics, as you have learned. Health based recovery is about learning emotional maturity and the foundational skills that are underdeveloped.

Your perspective is rare and refreshing at this stage of the journey and this sort of attitude is beneficial for your own well-being.

and
and
Ah~these are some things you can add to your vision!

lol I relate! I have a wrinkle right down the center of my brow and I LOVE it! It's my battle scar and I also feel I have earned it!



Excellent; Exactly!

Testing is not uncommon nor is it an entirely bad thing, as it possibly serves as a measure of where they are but this is only true for those who really are enduringly sincere and intentional and in continually proactive toward recovery. It is a bad thing when they are not really that far into recovery (like your husband) as they are likely using it as an excuse to act out (indirectly, getting a sort of thrill for walking so close to the line) or when they use it as a way to try to prove they can do it and therefor assert that they are recovered~in other words, when it is a manipulation/deception.

He may be. It coud be that he really does not want to let go of the addiction, and a proven effective means to transcend addiction is a threat. It could also be that he is afraid that he can't do it.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Coach Mel,
Thanks so much for your insight. Its helpful to know where I'm on track and where I need to focus my efforts in my own healing. We've had a rough week in relation to healing/recovery and its good to know that there are people here who care and understand.
I am working on making some new friends. In our rural town the social life revolves around churches and bars...so we're looking for a positive church environment, ideally one with separate ladies/mens groups, for support.

Stage 2, Lesson 1, ex 11/b
Letter from him to me:
To my precious wife,
I loveyou. I'm sorry for all I've done through the years to make you feel unloved and unnecessary. I'm sorry for all the times I chose to look at other women instead of at my amazing wife. I'm sorry for all of the time I spent making love to myself and to my fantazies instead of you. I'm sorry for holding parts of myself back from you and defending it as if it were right. I'm sorry for closing down instead of opening up. I will no longer allow myself to do these destructive things. I promise. If something, someone or my behavior is thre atening to you then that's a good enough reason for me to distance myself from it. I trust your intuition. Lord knows your instincts are better than mine. I have caused you enormous stress and anxiety. I've left you completely alone while sitting right next to you. I've walked with you and, worse, I've walked with our innocent children, with my mind's eye down every woman's pants. I'm so sorry for the emotional and physical abandonment. I've sworn countless times never to leave you like your father did. A hundred times I've said, "Hey, I'm not going anywhere." What I've done is no less insidious than what he did. I've never forgotten what he did toyour family. I've never forgotten that sad, hurt girl. Am I any different?...
The only difference between him and me is that I want to change. I don't want to be an old man living for the next piece of instant gratification in a skirt. I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that I was never "really there" even while I was sitting right next to them. I haven't put nearly the effort into us as I've put into my addiction. But I want to set goals with you, I want to plan with you instead of living from one stressor to another and never addressing the underlying problems.
Please, let me spend the rest of my life trying to get to know you. Give me your love as we get to know me. I never wanted to be so cloistered inside myself. I never wanted to be this alone. Forgive me.

Stage 2, Lesson 1, ex 10 Preparing yourself for change. Somehow these all got messed up in my notebook so the exercises are out of order.
ex10
1. My marriage is and always has been, the most important thing in my life. I'm still gaining fulfillment from it (most of the time, though the last week's been a real challenge.)
2.Parenting. When summer's finally here for good I'll be even more fulfilled because the children and I'll have so much more to do together.
3. Friends. I've never felt the need to find other women to talk to before. When I worked I had all the friends I needed-they just sort of came with the work environment. They were good friends then and I'd still enjoy their company but their party lifestyle doesn't fit with my post-kid lifestyle. And, of course, my husband used to be my best friend. But now, damnit, I need some friends and have no idea where to find them. All the moms like me are wrapped up in their kids too.
C. My plan for each important area:
Marriage: I won't lose sight of the fact that I want him to heal because he's a lovely soul. I won't lose sight of the gact that we won't have a good marriage unless I'm allowed to heal, too.
I will continue to enjoy him, even when its so difficult. I will remind myself how much I love his jokes, his handsome smile. I will continue to enjoy making love with him in my uninhibited way-I won't let the doubt and fear creep in and ruin it.

Stage 2 Lesson 3
Ex. 12A & B
A. Right this minute I'm numb. Until last weekend I thought we were doing well. I should know by now that when things are good it means that my pa's about to do something assinine. This story is going to seem pretty innocuous compared to what we've been through. But I can see it for what it is...my H pulling away from me and casting me as the bad guy again. I almost feel too numb to recount it but I'll try.--I was sick. Running a low-grade fever for 3 weeks and a mysterious, painful lump in my left breast. When my fever finally subsided after an antibiotic/steroid shot my H did something that he NEVER does. He actually planned a date with me! Of course I was delighted. I thought he was actually wanting to spend time with me (my bad!) Its as if he's worked out a system that entails: do something "for" my wife, and then I owe it to him to to allow him to engage in immature behavior. He wanted to stay up late and play the video games he had rented, ostensibly for our son. Never mind the fact that our son's 5!! and we supposedly don't believe in letting a small child play video games. Again, I know that this is a really silly thing to be upset about. Apparently him staying up late without me is a huge trigger. It highlights the massive difference in our maturity level and values. Here I'm thinking, "Cancer. Tons of tests." and "I may not even get to see my kids grow up." I just wanted to curl up with my husband and have him reassure me. Yet he was thinking, "Sweet! I'm gonna slug some energy drinks and stay up all night playing video games!" Seriously? We're pushing 40 and this is where we are? The worst part is that when he asked me if he could carry out this clever plan, I knew it was coming because he's so freaking predictable, and I told him to do what he wanted but that I wasn't getting back into that cycle. He said, "Fine! I'll come right to bed" in his petulent, "mommy won't let me have any fun" voice.
I guess I'm not as numb as I thought. I just can't seem to conjure up the energy to care much, either. I don't know how many more times he can hurt me before I just shut down. Its almost like he's trying to find out where my limit is. Is he trying to push me away permanently so he can go back to the addiction? I have no idea. I guess that puts me back in the disorientation stage.???