Recovery Nation

Ex B
These are the patterns I've been through or am experiencing now.
Ruminations- early on. Not so much now.
Obsessive checking. Early on.
Hyperalertness to everything about him and about us together. Ongoing.
Paranoia- a mild feeling of, "what's next?" Constant.
Crying jags-brief and infrequent
Exhaustion-continuous. Struggling to do even small things.
Sexual apathy- just during the last week. It worries me because its not like me at all.
Scattered- What? Who? Where? Yeah, I guess so.
Numb-disconnected
Hypersensitive to sex stimuli. Especially movies. I can see any of the other things (except the violent imagery and substance abuse) happening and hope to recognise them when they do.

Stage 2, Lesson 4 Identifying Consequences
Ex 13 A & B
10- His immaturity has allowed his parents to run our lives for a very long time.
10-Compulsive masturbation may have contributed to infertility which caused me many years of emotional hell.
4-It has often left me too exhausted emotionally/physically to take care of my own health.
10- Made me feel like a suspicious nutjob which made me treat myself like one and caused others to treat me like one.
7-Using porn at work has made him lose a lot of hours that he should've been working to make himself indispensible.
9-No sense of security makes me feel as if our life and our childrens lives could just crumble at any time.
5- We haven't had time for friends--as he says, "I guess this addiction has been my hobby."
6-Lately I've been worried about how to raise my kids to feel secure in their sexuality. I used to think that you should just answer their questions honestly and let it progress naturally. Now I wonder if, somehow, our kids will "catch" this sexual obsession. Its ridiculous and I know its just my confusion talking...but there it is. Fear. Fear about the healthy sexuality of my children. Fear that I never had before and never would've had if it weren't for my H's sa.
10 Always needing to know where he is has made me want to keep him in my sights at all times. This has lead him, and others to think I'm a control freak. And of course we're not telling anyone about the sa so they'll never know the difference. I'm the bad guy, perpetually and forever.
7-I can't do simple errands w/him without being distracted by how I measure up to every woman in a 10 mile radius.
10-He's often had to stay late at work to catch up (for free) on stuff he wasn't doing when he was busy using porn-leaving me to take care of everything at home.
2-Watching R movies with him is now excruciating because they all contain breasts and butts and I don't know how it effects him but it drives me to distraction.
2-I've used porn with him so that we could be together. I even convinced myself I was into it.
6-There's no one I can talk to about this so I feel even more isolated. I turn my anxiety against myself.
8-We're having to put all this time into recovery/healing instead of: sleeping, making love, putting more time into our kids/house, Fishing, hobbies, friends, etc.
I'll add more as I think of them:
If there were a 15 I'd put this at 15. 10-I lost my best friend.

Stage 3, lesson 1 ex 14 The vision to heal
Roles I intend to play in his recov:
I intend to be encouraging and to keep asking him, no more than once a week, how things are going in recovery. I'll let him share whatever he wants to about struggles, progress while expecting him to self-report slip ups. I'll wait for him to seek my support rather than trying to help.
I've let him know that he's allowed and expected to make recovery a priority. He usually does his RN work in the evenings so I told him to take the time that he needs and not let my plans interfere with his recov time. (Our household chores and childrearing chores seem to suck our best laid plans into a black hole from which they never emerge. )

I don't intend to investigate secretly. So how will I manage the doubt and mistrust? If I truly think he's doing something wrong and not telling me I will ask him pointblank. If I have feelings of mistrust/doubt that stem from past behavior -instead of current behavior then I'll try to recognize them as such and try to move on. I need to try harder not to dwell on fears that have no foundation & deal quickly with those that I feel do. I will pray and have my devotional time every weekday morning.

I won't allow him to continue to damage my values. I'm no longer keeping things to myself if I think they're wrong. He claims to want a healthy marriage with me so he can either respect my values or let our marriage fail. I've let him know that I expect him to act in a grownup, healthy way and to make decisions based on maturity. I'm hoping that expecting him to act in a mature way will make him want to live up to my expectations. I have no idea whether it will work or not, but that's my plan and I'm trying to think positively. He's never been allowed to damage my values with my consent. If I think its wrong then he knows I'll fight it-he'll still do what he wants to, but at least I've made a stand. In doing this exercise I've noticed something that I really need to work on. I need to defend my values immediately rather than letting the hurt fester into resentment.

The bottom line for me and our relationship would be extended porn use. If he decides to look at it and keep looking at it then I'll know he's chosen it over our marriage. I will put up with scanning, masturbation, even cruising as long as he's making a sincere effort to stop the behavior chain when he recognizes it. As long as he's honest about it and takes the consequences laid out in our contract. Also, if he were to expand his addiction repertoire to affairs or anything illegal then I'd be done with him.

How do I envision communicating my observations about his motivation/responsibility-both pos and neg. For pos. observations how do i make them seem genuine? For neg how will I make them seem non-punitive?
I have no problem giving him positive feedback. We find it fairly easy to say nice things to each other and to accept them. However, negative observations are difficult for both of us. We're both defensive when it comes to criticism. The products of controlling parents. I've been pointing out my observations as sincerely as I can. The problem is that I cry when making even small negative observations. I swear that I don't do it to manipulate or punish. It's something I can't seem to control. My mother used to do the same thing with my dad and I always wanted to shout, "Why don't you grow some balls!" Now I do the exact same thing, but my husband is not a hard-hearted bastard like my father so it makes him feel awful. I want to point out hurtful, (or maybe just annoying) things right away but I end up sobbing and feeling like an idiot. Like most men, he doesn't know how to react to tears. Crying adds way more weight to issues than I intend. So I let things grow until they're enormous and then I'm spitting mad. I don't like to blindside him like this. While doing this lesson I talked this problem over with my husband and he confirmed that my tears make him panic. His mind yells, "You did this, moron, now fix it. QUICK!" Not exactly an effective communication technique. I asked him if I could just write him a letter if I have an issue that's not important enough for tears. He said it sounded like a good solution-as long as we can still talk about it afterward. After struggling with this for years I think we'll both be relieved to turn off the waterworks.

How much clarity do I have in determining/communicating my personal needs? Through this workshop I'm learning how to determine my exact needs so that I can tell my H or write them out in a letter to him. My H mentioned tonight that so much of what I think I'm saying is non-verbal. I know that I tend to send my little pissed-off signals and then expect him to pick up on them. I want to break this habit. I'm going to try to be specific when communicating my needs and then expect him to meet my needs from what I've expressed. I can't ask him to meet needs that I haven't even communicated clearly to myself.

What changes do I need to see from him to make us feel like a team?
I need him to think of "us" first instead of second, third or never. I need him to do this spontaneously and consistently without prompting. I need him to leave other people-okay, let me practice being specific-his parents, out of our marriage. I need to trust that he has our best interest in mind, not just what's most fun/easiest, etc. I need to know that he wants me on his team and I need him to actively seek me out and invite me in because he WANTS to. I need us to show a united front that says, "My wife and I are a team so don't bother trying to drive a wedge in between us." I need us to be strong together. I need him to ask me for help/support when he needs it. I need to be an irreplaceable element in his life.

Other major obstacles and patterns that will eventually need worked through as a team:
His parents (sigh-I don't think this should still be an issue at our age.) We have to show them that our marriage is the most important thing to us and that we are a team and will be acting as one from now on.

Money: an everpresent struggle in our life. I'm thankful that we don't argue about it but we do need to put our budget back into action.

If I find myself struggling to manage my own life then I'll take it as a sign that I need to strengthen my relationship with God. I will spend more time in prayer and reading my Bible. During times of stress my faith and my art fall by the wayside. They're important to me so I will keep working at them.

What signs will I look for to generate a feeling of his sincerity/stability in recovery.
Continued willingness to answer my questions frankly.
Eye contact.
Him carving out time for RN work.
Strong ability to focus on conversations and tasks.
Willingness to be home with us even when things are stressful.

What signs will I look for that signal imbalance, insecurity.
Trying to stay up after I'm in bed.
Unaccounted for time "at work."
Wandering away in the middle of conversations-even ones he starts.
Appearing to be taking women apart piece by piece with his eyes.
I could go on and on. Its sad that this one's so much easier than the previous question.

Stage 3 Lesson 2 Developing a support system:
ex 15 ABC
A. Support-people only
My husband????
Maybe my aunt. I haven't had the courage to tell her about this yet, but I've come very close. I may still-for her sake as well as mine as I suspect that her H has some SA issues of his own.
B. List all resources (not human) that are available:
Put an * next to the ones I'm using now.
*Church
*Library-provides quiet time and healing in the form of books
*RN
*Gardening-work's therapeutic for me so I'm going WAY over the top with buying seeds, sprouting seedlings, making compost tea. I'm even building 16 raised beds in my enormous garden.
Some kind of women's group? Maybe a Bible study or something? I'd love book club but its on Wednesday afternoons-apparently only people who's kids are grown are allowed to go to book club.
*God
*Art- note to self: don't let the garden take up all of my time.
*Farmer's Mkt: I set up a table every year and sell my art-but its mostly about meeting people and talking to them about my stuff. I also have a following of "regulars" that I just love to gossip with. I never thought about it before but this is a very healing opportunity for me.
C.A time when I was a part of someone's support system. Oh, geesh, I've been the sole support system for so many people that I don't even care to count. I'm the pillar in my original family--they'd still like me to be but I'm abdicating this responsibility slowly but surely. The fact that my sibs and parents have always been so reliant on me is part of the reason that I have no one to turn to when I have a crisis...in fact they'd probably gasp in disbelief if I even hinted at having 'problems.'

Stage 3, Lesson 3, ex 16 ABC
A. list 10 core values that represent the person I want to be. I should be able to rely on this list w/confidence in guiding decisions, actions, priorities, etc.
My marriage
My children
Teaching my children
Independence
relationship w/God
Good judgment
occasional quiet
art
nature
basic human decency
honesty
loyalty
trust
B. My marriage. Well, that's a tough one.Although I can't get much emotional support from it right now, I can get physicfal support. I can still be close to him and enjoy the comfort of having him near.
My children. Oh, that's easy-their chubby little arms could create world peace. Remembering that they're watching keeps me in control of my emotions, at least until they go to bed.
Teaching my kids gives me a chance to do something for the greater good. I can't think of anything more worth my time than raising smart, compassionate people.
Independence-Phew, if I needed to feel "approved of" I'd be out of my element in this situation. However, being the person everyone turns to doesn't help at all when I need to be the turn to-er. Huh?
Relationship with God: THis is where the bulk of my strength stems from. Speaking of which, I haven't done my devotional time since Friday. I've been slackin'. I'm making a commitment right now to do it the rest of the week and at least once on the weekend.
Good judgement-this one's taken a beating recently. I try to run everything thru this filter when making a decision. Even routine ones. This is what keeps me from curling up with Ben and Jerry and reading myself into an alternate universe.
Occasional quiet-I need a little every day: My mind is always chewing on something and I just can't function without peace.
My art- Aaaah! How I love to get my hands dirty. Total immersion.
Nature-again with the need for quiet. This is also something that my H and I share. We love to hunt, camp, fish and explore together.
Honesty-I try to be honest in all aspects of my life. Not that I'm not tempted to lie thru my teeth sometimes. But I don't.
Loyalty. I'm part Italian-need I say more?
Trust. I've always had trust issues (parents weren't worthy of trust either.) and I would love to have just ONE relationship in my life where I can trust a person 100%

Ex 17
A. teaching my kids- I'm going to be looking for cheap building materials for our schoolroom.(garage sales,etc.)and let them work next to me in the garden. Better yet, I'll take time to work with them in their plot. They'll get a big kick out of that. :)
Independence-I'm starting to look at his more and more as personalindependence-I've only thought of it as independence for my H,kids and me. I need some independence from them as well.
God-I've started going to church. I'm not committing to a lifelong membership in this particular church, but I've done the hard part-starting. If I need to later then I'll start looking again.
Good judgement-I'm using this more in regards to my health now. I'm eating better and working out a lot more. I'm in the middle of mammos/ultrasounds and appointments for a painful lump in one of my breasts-so, I'm suspicious about this lump so I'm being proactive about it.
Occasional quiet-as soon as the weather stabilizes I'm going to put in some time raking up sticks,etc at our family cemetery-hopefully before people start visiting their plots for mothers day. The cemetery creeps some people out but not me. Its so silent there under the ancient trees (silent as the grave you might say, hee, hee) and nobody bothers me at all.
art-I'll be setting up a booth soon. I have to remember to take time for it-don't let the garden use it all up.
Nature-that's easy. Soon we'll be fishing, exploring and gardening.
Basic human decency-I need to stop looking at other people thru the lens of my H's addiction. Not everyone has a hidden agenda. Its not fair to people and its not healthy for me.
Honesty-I've had a few times lately when I've had to force myself to be honest with my H-its hard but I feel good about myself for doing it. We've taught our kids to be honest and I want to keep that up. - Its usually something stupid that I want to lie about-never the big things. What's up with that?
Loyalty-Not sure I've got a plan for this one. I'll think on it and post later.
Trust-Its very hard for me to trust. It used to be that my H was the only person I trusted. I don't know how to trust. Can it be learned? Or taught? I don't know. I will commit to Googling it tomorrow and see if I can find some advice. I'm very concerned with teaching my kids to trust.
Friendships-I could definitely have more. I need to find a women's group or something. Attending church should help also.

. This is a good place to start looking for new friends... with the other moms like you! You could start a play group, or lunch group etc. It is fine to have two principle roles in life, but without other supporting roles, it will be somewhat of a shell shock when the time comes for the kids to move on with their own lives... and what happens should your marriage not go as you planned? It is essential for your overall welbeing (lifetime) to have many areas of life from which you find
meaning, puropose and fulfillment.

No, it's not actually! You have a value of no video games for your young son... which he violated and he was setting up his environment to be "allowed" to stay up late so he could act out! Not at all silly and I'd say instead that it is intuitive, if anything!

To the best of my knowledge, masturbation does not cause infertilitiy. Sexually transmitted diseases, which can go undetected (especially in men) can.

What happens if he tells you nothing is wrong, but you still feel there is?

Your expectations might sustain his motivation in the short term, but truth be told, unless he connects to recovery for personal reasons (pleasing you is not a healthy reason), he will likely struggle with a pattern of relapse and recommitment (any time he is caught).

Excellent!

The reason you cry is not because you lack "balls" but because you are attached to his behaviour, you have it mean something about you or it poses a personal threat. When you gain strength in your sense of self, when you detach from his addiction (and from him) then you will be able to see the offenses objectively and they won't mean anything about you, personally.
For now, just accept this is the way it is and work toward getting past it (but don't make yourself wrong if you can't!). Letter writing is a good start.

Your husband is not a good support person. It's too personal ~ his addiction is the reason you need support!

Needing to be perfect or "the stable one" might be a reason that this causes so much grief for you. This is an added pressure. Just because your life isn't "perfect" doesn't mean that you can't be a good support person when you are called upon! The thing that makes the volunteer coaches and mentors here so effective is exactly because we have all had and worked through (and are working through) problems of our own! Experience is the best teacher! Second to experience is sharing the experience of others!

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

stage 3, lesson 5, ex18 ABC I may revisit these next 3 lessons sometime-I'm just not happy with my responses, though I can't explain why they were so hard.

A. My brother is bi-polar, his wife has serious learning disabilities and a past involving abusive parents/a string of abusive "stepfathers." So, obviously, they did the logical thing and brought children into the same kind of home that raised them. This is a description of an on-going value collision because my brother and his wife are so limited that they cannot function well enough to know what to do with their kids on a day to day basis. They call me almost every day (some times 5-10times a day) often in the middle of the night. They want me to take care of their kids for them. I used to be the one that took care of everyone else's kids but now that I have my own I don't want that job anymore. Its too heartbreaking to scrub a kid up, feed them good food every day only to have them come back again the next day (and the next) dirty, hungry and sad. I can't do that now and have anything left for my kids. I often just ignore their calls. I have to. I don't know what else to do . I don't want to cut ties altogether because I love those kids and I don't mind being called on in a real emergency. I can't even describe what I'm doing in this situation-its too bizarre. Suspension maybe? Resentment-yes I really resent being put in this position. I wish that I could just hug and love my niece and nephew-have a normal aunt relationship. Instead I have to stay remote or get sucked into their parents blackhole.

18B
I had trouble with this lesson. We live differently than most of our extended family so it seems like we're always having value collisions. I homeschool my kids and we've cut most of the extraneous "fat" from our lives(I can't seem to give up coffee or the internet, though I haven't tried real hard either). Our idea of fun is taking our kids on field trips. We just like to live simply. I get the feeling that people think we're cheap hippies or something. When complete strangers ask what I do and I tell them that I teach my kids they look at me like I'm committing child abuse. Of course they feel free to give advice. I had one lady (a public school teacher no less) tell me that my kids would be "weird." One of my aunts-in-law actually asked me how my kids will "get peer pressure." I assume she meant socialization. These same people tell me how smart and sweet my kids are. I feel like they think I'm condemning how they raised their kids by making different choices for my family. I don't know it doesn't make sense to me- I want my kids to be "normal" and well-liked but I'm not going to give up this value even though the troubles have just begun.
C. Well, my marriage is one thing I'm willing to compromise-If my H can't or won't end this addiction. I guess loyalty goes w/this in relation to my husband.
-good judgment- yes, I value it in myself and others, but I often compromise it. Often I just don't think before I say something or do something stupid.
-honesty-in rare circumstances and by concious choice.
-I've given up so many values over the years that I tend to be really rigid about the ones I still have. Maybe it would be easier to write which things I wouldn't compromise.

ex 19A
Parenting:
Rule #1 No one messes with my kids.
2. We're responsible for these small souls and no one is invited to 2nd guess our decisions. Confidence in our ability is the most important thing in parenting.
My marriage:
Rule #1: I promised to stay married except in the circumstances of abuse (emotional or physical) or unfaithfulness. My husband's infringed on both of these. We've now entered the territory where I'm free to leave if I choose.
#2 I won't leave unless he returns to acting out.
#3 If he goes back to porn I will consider leaving based on his behavior.
#4 He has to try. I need to see some sincere effort-a lot more than I'm seeing right now.

19B
When I was much younger I babysat for a lady (loose term) who had 3 of the most loving kids I've ever met. I continued to take care of the kids even though many times she claimed to be too broke to pay me. I just couldn't leave them because they were so sweet and their mother neglected and abused them. The last straw finally came one night when I sat for her kids and she came home stumbling to tell me that she'd spent all her money, and offered to pay me with her food stamps. I left and never went back. The real consequences for me came about a week after I left, when I heard that her baby died. They came into my place of work and the 3 yr old boy told me that "his" baby died. I felt terrible that I hadn't stuck around for the kids. When they were with me they were clean and fed-with their mother they were exposed to drunks and secondhand pot smoke. This has been a source of guilt. I loved them and let them love me and then I left.

C. My husband's an only child and I'm the eldest in my family. There's no doubt that we'll be taking care of our parents. I've already had to set strong boundaries with my parents and I keep strengthening them. The day is coming when we could be taking care of 4 seniors, (2 of which hate each other) and 2 young teenagers. I'm trying to get everyone to get along-or at least not get us in the middle of their squabbles.

If its okay I'd like to start the Workshop over again. I feel like I've missed some of the basic tenets. Some of my anger is gone now and I'll be better able to concentrate on my healing and learning. I'll try to make my thread as coherent as possible. Here goes

Stage 1 Developing Awareness:
Lesson 1, ex 1 A.
Because the discovery of your partners addiction will no doubt reflect many commonalities with others, it is at the same time uniquely devastating to you. Take sometime to share your background in relation to the discovery of your Ps compulsions/addictions.
We met in our sophomore yr of H.S. We danced together once but didn't start dating until a year later (I was in a relationship.) We didn't have sex until we'd been together for a year. I always thought he was responsible and maybe a little scared. He was/is both of those. But the real reason he took it so slowly, I now suspect, was that he was "taking care of himself." I was masturbation fodder. Until the beginning of this year (20 years later) I was just masturbation fodder. I now realize that everything in our lives was built on that. He always does what people want, and drifts any way the wind blows, but is never fully present. Many times I've tried to get to him by getting him good and mad or good and excited. I've tried to draw him out into the light. It never worked. We always thought I was "too" everything. Too emotional. Too sensitive. Turns out I'm none of those things. Turns out that he's not laid back and optimistic-he's just plain distracted. I can't pull him out because he doesn't exist.. His addiction to porn exists. His mental dissecting of women and then masturbating to their pieces exists. He knows how to please people and he knows how to deceive but he doesn't know himself. I've perpetuated this. My own grandmother tells me every time I see her, "I don't mean to put wings on that dear husband of yours, but I thank God for him every day." Sigh. The ironic part is that so do I. I'm having a hard time letting go of the man I thought he was. I appreciate the father that he is. I wouldn't have wanted to have children with anyone else. BUt its hard to be the only person in the world who knows that he isn't who everyone thinks he is. They all wonder (even him!) why I'm not exuberantly happy. If they knew that we had any problems at all they'd just think it was my fault anyway. He's so good at deception. I used to think I was desperately in love with him. I never thought to wonder where the desperation part came from. I thought it was me. I wasn't happy I was deluded.
I'm adding on to this today. I realized that I went off on a tangent and didn't describe the addiction. I'm not sure why but I feel like I can't get this lesson "right". Maybe its the children vying for snacks and attention.
After H.S. my H went straight to college while I moved to another state for a job. He didn't really seem to notice that I was gone. He was happy enough when I came to stay with him for the weekend or when we'd talk on the phone. (I didn't notice the fact that every conversation dissolved into phone sex?) One drunken weekend we almost had a threesome with a close male friend. I stopped it because I had the strange feeling that it was somehow set up by the guys-my H still says it wasn't, but I wonder. While I was away I had a few affairs that I came clean about before we got married. Looking back now I see that I was looking for validation, not sex. My PA grilled me about these affairs for years. I told him everything because I thought he needed some kind of closure. I thought I had caused this obsession. He pushed me for details long after I'd forgotten most of them. He was banking them for masturbation purposes.
We finally got married, at my prompting of course, after dating and living together for a long time. Every transition in our relationship has been at my insistance.
I didn't have a problem with his masturbation and I put up with porn as long as we were using it together. We eventually stopped watching porn together because he said the movies were boring. I caught him a few times looking at pics of women on our laptop-which I had strictly forbidden. I couldn't understand why he would look at pictures alone on the computer when he could watch porn with his sexy wife. Alone is a theme in his life and in his addiction. He prefers to do everything alone.
Our latest D-day was 2010, two days before Christmas. Important dates mean nothing to an addict. I accidentally saw the browsing history on his work laptop. I was so livid that I couldn't even speak. I went to take a shower instead (I do this in a crisis-bizarre, I know.) When I came back to our bedroom my H was writing a letter to me that started with, "I think its time I admit that I need some help." Right away it turned around to him and his needs and my heart melted.
He looked for a counselor. The nearest one is 60 miles away and doesn't take our insurance. Finally, in January I was researching the topic online and found RN, thank you God.

‎7/‎28/‎2011 Exercise Three
Because of all of the deception inherent in addiction, it is common to challenge your own 'gut feelings' relating to your ability to read your partner. You may have even concluded that these instincts failed you. Yet what is most likely is that your instincts picked up on the curious patterns--it was your heart and head that altered your conclusions. And there is nothing wrong with that. It is a good person who leads their life with values such as trust and love and partnership.
But, now that you know that you are dealing with an addiction...risk, vulnerability...these are things that you can no longer take for granted in your life. You must offer them only when accompanied by logic and reason. And so, at least until trust can be rebuilt, you will need to develop a more mechanical, objective and safe ability to monitor your partner's health. Much of this will be done throughout the workshop, but we will start by doing the following:
In your healing thread...
A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way):

When he stayed up all those nights. I knew there must be something going on because he would wait me out. Even If I tried to stay up with him (he acted like he just wanted to stay up late because he hated having a routine bedtime) he would make sure he stayed up until 2 or 3 a.m., knowing that I couldn't hold out that long. I know now that he was really trying to get alone so he could act out. When I told him he was absolutely not allowed to view porn at home, he switched to looking at pictures of women (girls) on Flickr. He tried to act like these weren't really porn and I shouldn't make a big deal of it. Technically, they're not porn but they seem like it when my H masturbates to them. Ick. For several days last week I had a feeling that the other shoe was about to drop. He said he hasn't been acting out so I just let it go. We shall see...There have been lots of times when he's been secretive and trying to get off by himself. He also, used to grill me for details of my former sex life and obsess on certain themes. He still get caught up in a certain sex act with me long after I've stopped enjoying it. I'm almost afraid to enjoy it at all because he never wants to stop.

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.


One time a few weeks ago when he seemed fixated on a piece of my clothing while we were having sex. He's done that a lot over the years and this is the 1st time I ever thought anything of it. I think of most sexual things as naturally enjoyable instead of shameful (who doesn't like soft, silky things?). My open attitude probably contributed to his addiction staying hidden for so long.
Another time in college we nearly had a threesome with a very close friend. I still think I was set up but he maintains that it was spontaneous.
I will add others as I think of them.

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.


-I'm triggered any time we go anywhere together. I notice the women he will notice. I often notice them before he does and am treated to his reaction. To be fair, he's embarrassed by this now and tries to draw my attention elsewhere. We have fun together as long as no one else is around..
-I hate running into his coworkers because I know he's had "thoughts" about them. I don't want to delve into this too deeply-there are some things that I just don't want to know.
--Add more as I think of them.

Exercise 4
His values that I think will survive the addiction:
1. He has a strong, sincere relationship with God, and believes that He can help us heal.
2. He wants to be a good person.
3. He's a very good father.
4. He loves to be a part of nature.
5. He loves sports.

--I'll add more as I think of them.
Things that will continue to pose abstacles throughout our relationship.
1. His insisting that he doesn't have time for recovery and then making it so. (Although, I hope I'm wrong abt this because when I talked to him @lunchtime he had printed out a lesson to do during lunch hour. His idea. Not mine.)
2.He'll never put healthy boundaries in place with his parents. He says I don't understand, but that because he's an only child he HAS to parent his parents. I think he WANTS to be needed by them and they're happy to use him as a tool against each other. He usually sides with his mother because she knows how to use guilt on him and he'll never have the guts to stand up to her.

--add more as I go.

Ex. 5

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?
I try to keep myself busy (but not too busy, a delicate balance) with positve things. I have used irrational behavior to escape from stress. My H's addiction has escalated in the last 5 years, and with it my stress level. Though I didn't know what was causing it I began to pull out my hair. I almost wish I could've at least chosen a fun, albeit irrational, behavior. Like what I don't know. I have kids, so I couldn't exactly take up drinking-and I left off smoking pot in my 20s.
Anyway, I'm doing much better now. Through the Workshop I'm learning to recognise/replace unhealthy behaviors with healthy ones.
B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.
This sounds crazy, even to my ears, but pulling my hair out was kind of like draining a little bit of the emotional pain.. I can't even say that it brought emotional relief-but it did offer stimulation. I often did this before bedtime and I don't think I could've wound down enough to sleep without it.
C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?
He'd still be playing video games compulsively. He wouldn't be able to ignore the problems with his FOO so he'd likely avoid being around them. Honestly, he probably would've found another addiction.