Recovery Nation

My old healing thread is random and disorderly so I have decided to keep my new workshop work organized in one coherent thread.

copied and pasted from my old healing thread: The first time I went to his apartment I saw that he had p mags stacked under his coffee table (not hiding, the table top was made of glass). From the beginning I was clear that this was not acceptable to me, however I continued to date him. I would catch and dismiss little remarks about him (from his friends) and his interest in p. I was in denial then, and didn't even know it (or acknowlege it). End of story. That is where I was out of integrity with myself and lacked responsability. I did not make choices congruant with my commitment.
A while into our relationship, after he had moved in with my son and myself, I decided to look in his backpack while he was out. I wondered why he had it with him all the time. Well, there it was. As plain as day-there was no denying it. I freaked out. Literally. I threw the biggest tantrum ever. It was the tantrum to end all tantrums. We fought. He left. I was a wreck.
How then, did we end up where we are now? I ask myself the same question.
His mom and I kept in touch. Friends of ours invited both of us to their wedding and we got back together. We talked about the p. I was clear that it was NEVER to be brought into my house again-that if he wanted to be with me that he had to give THAT up. He swore up and down that he'd always wanted to quit, but never before had a reason. He told me how he had been molested as a child, by as stranger at the library, and the perp introduced him to porn. That it occurred around the time his dad left him and his mom. That he used to be an A student and then his dad left, he was molested, introduced to p and was home alone most of the time because his mom worked 3 jobs. One of which was at a video store and she apparently came home with a box of p one day because the regulations had changed and it was no longer allowed to be rented at regular corner video stores so the store had to purge itself of it and she brought it to their house! Oh- and one of her other jobs was as a waitress at a strip club and she took him there with her sometimes too. Where was my mind? Or more importantly-where was HER mind? Anyhow. I knew her as a more mature adult. She was very nice and very giving. So it was easy to overlook the past. He is also very nice. Intelligent. Generous. Attractive. These are my excuses for why the red flags didn't go up and the alarms didn't go off.
Anyhow, he said he wanted to quit. He said he would. He agreed it was wrong. (He had argued his side of it and eventually saw it my way and he told me he wouldn't do it again). We decided to move out of my tiny basement apt. and move into a brand new, 2 bedroom, main floor with walk out to a patio and garden, at the corner of the big city park in our hometown (transparent dangling carrot). This seemed like commitment. It seemed like a fresh start. Well, was my bubble about to be burst.
I don't know how many times the pattern occurred. It was definately a pattern. I'd ask and question him, hed deny. I'd expose or discover something, he'd confess. We'd have a blowout fight and he'd end up apologizing, saying he was wrong and that he'll never do it again. Each time there was a little more of a commitment, or so it would seem. I can't really distinguish between what he told me or when. All I know is that it seemed to be a sort of progression. It seemed like progress was being made. It was just enough to keep going and so I did-eyes wide shut.
I always made allowances. First it was when we moved in together. Then it was because I didn't want to upset my son's seemingly happy, more stable life. Then it was the engagement. Then it was the wedding. Then we were expecting. Then she was born. Then we bought our townhouse. Then his mom was sick. Then she passed away. Then we moved into our detached house. Then my mom was sick. Then she passed away. Last January I finally resigned myself to "this is my life and I really am not leaving, even if I threaten that I will, because I have not left so what has changed and what will ever change?". My thoughts started to shift. I would wonder "what if". I googled an old bf to see... I found him and then contacted him. He returned my message and we went out for dinner. We kissed. I had feelings for him flood in like they had never ended and like they had always been there. Not long after, I told him I couldn't pursue anything and I told my husband what happened. We fought (naturally) and played the blame game and then we went on as usual only it wasn't long after that that I re-initiated the relationship with the old bf. and I decided that I was leaving my h anyway and I reinitiated the relationship. All I had to do was get a plan in place. I wasn't going to upset my kids lives and make them move away from the home and neighbourhood they love so I was going to get a higher paying job, maybe two and move out on my own but let him stay in the house.
Obviously I was on another planet and my h suspected something was up so he sent me an email and asked what was up. I told him I was leaving him. Well, we didn't sleep at all that night. It was all out war in my house (the kids were sleeping, but I am certain they must have heard or knew). Anyhow, I went to a friends house who he respects their opinion and talked to her. She tried to get me to see that I would be no more happy leaving. She asked if I had an affair. So I confessed to her and so when I went home I confessed to him. All out war. I still try to wrap my head around it sometimes. Anyhow, the next morning (after 2hours sleep) I had a realization that I never really was IN the relationship from the beginning. I was always ready to run. I had one foot out the door. I had a stand against p, but never a stand for us. So I recommited myself to the relationship. He recommitted himself and it was all good. We set goals. We designed what we want our marriage to look like. It was all systems go (except for the guy I had the affair with, he was hurt and angry and I take complete responsability for that and I sared all of that with him as well as my realization and I wished him well and I was, and still am, truly sorry)
That was the update to a couple of months ago. It was about 2-3 weeks ago now that I found out that he had been lying still. After all this. After what I did. After all we had been through. After him telling me that he chooses me. I had installed software on the computer and didn't tell him. It takes pics of the screen so I could see what was going on when I wasn't home. He had RENTED movies and watched them on the computer. I was once again devastated. I decided that I would give him an ultimatum. So here we are. He has started this program (recovery) as well as "pure online" and a hypnosis cd for dealing with it.

the general pattern: I have a sense that something is off. I mention my concern and he diminishes, minimizes, deflects, smoke screens, makes excuses and is generally completely irresponsible. We usually end up fighting. He then is evasive and avoids me for a period of time. I would ruminate and obsess and finally I would compulsively search until I came up with evidence. With evidence in hand I would give him the opportunity to come clean which he'd only ever do if he was caught with undeniable proof. He'd usually deny my accusation and then I'd show him my evidence and he'd be apologetic, sorry, shameful, guilty and he'd say he doesn't know what is wrong with him, he loves me, will never do it again... yada yada yada. A variation to this pattern would be that he'd get angry. He'd tell me that if I was a space of understanding, compassion and acceptance that he would be able to be open and honest with me. But I am so rigid and controlling and an absolute no that he can't be open or honest...
The pattern we are in the middle of right now has yet to be played out. I resisted the urge to search for evidence. Typing out the pattern for this lesson has squeezed out the last drop of desire to actually go and check. The absurdity of it is all to obvious. I am in a good space mentally. I think I will be able to go to work and with little care or concern as to what he is up to. The care I do have is more for my daughter... the thought of her being exposed in any way is upsetting.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

When I am defining my vision for my life I first think of who I be in life. I am strong. I am independent. I am a contribution to others. I am honest and responsible. I live my life as an example. I am free thinking and open to others and respect their freedoms as well. I am straight in my communication. I know that I make mistakes. I forgive my mistakes and I learn from them. I am committed to growth. I know that I am not my past and that my future is not given from my past as each moment is an opening for transformation, for something new. I am introspective. I am intuitive. I know that I am not my circumstance. I explore my spirituality through meditation and reading. I am committed to reality at all costs. I am down to earth. I like people who are real (as opposed to imaginary... ) I have a sense of humor. I take life seriously. I am not perfect and I don't expect anyone else to be... only to be responsible.

I am a positive role model for my children. I know I am not perfect and don't expect to be but I will be the best that I can be and responsible when I am not. I raise them to be healthy, stable, upstanding, contributing members of society~whatever that looks like to them. I raise them to be free-thinking. I set them up to be empowered in life.
They know they are loveable and loved. They know they can achieve all they set their hearts and minds to. They deserve to have lives they love and they embrace that right with humility rather than entitlement.

I am a contribution to others through my experiences~successes and failures. I am a good friend. I am straight in my communication~ a stand for others when it warrants and I let them know if they are crossing their boundaries (or mine). I don't have to share the same values as my friends but there will be understanding and respect around each others values. My friendships are based on mutual respect and openness. I bring fun, freedom, contribution, understanding, respect and integrity to my friendships and friendly relationships.

I want a partner~someone to share my life with; someone to share life's joys and challenges with. I want that partner to be healthy~to have balance and stability in their own lives; someone I can rely on. I want that partner to share some of my interests and to want to share some of my interests as I want to share some of theirs.
I want a partner who wants to be with me for me (not for some role I play or some ideology I represent). I want a partnership that is based on mutual respect as well as openness, honesty and trust. I want a partner who shares similar values and life goals, or whose goals are compatible with my goals. I want a partner who is committed to developing and growing in depth and maturity along with me.

I want to be financially independant. I do not want to feel dependent on another for what I need in life that can only be provided for financially (shelter, food and clothing).

I want a modest home~not too big but big enough. One that is filled with love rather than stuff. One that is simple to maintain in cleanliness and care. One that affords me time and space to spend with family and friends. This brings me to my next values: the environment and having a peaceful, minimalist but still warm space (no clutter in every possible storage area of the house).

As an employee I am someone who is diligent, loyal, hardworking, dependable, a contribution to the workplace, respectful, independent, team oriented. I strive for continuous growth/evolution. I want a career that provides financial security and stability/consistency. My employer operates inside of integrity. I know what to expect from my employer and I know what my employer expects of me.

Communication and Action are the mediums I use as a mode of expressing my values. My communication and my actions need to be in alignment if my values are going to be of substance in my life.

Values Extracted from my vision:
Being a role model
Contribution
Free thinking
Empowerment
Openness
Honesty
Communication
Understanding
Respect
Partnership
Emotional Health/Stability
Compatability
Independance
Responsibility
Integrity
Safety
Balance and Moderation
Environment
Growth and Progress
Living with Integrity
Strengthening my role as a parent
Being an Inspiration to others
Enhancing my spiritual awareness
Providing quality in my work
Being dependable
Working as a part of a team
Humbleness
Being considerate of myself and others
Taking care of myself
Developing emotional maturity
Establishing financial freedom/security
Developing a partnership
Overcoming personal struggles
Feeling appreciated
Feeling empowered
Passionate about life
Developing sustained friendships
Being respected
Being judged trustworthy
Indulging in creative inspiration, development
Developing patience
Living a humble life
Nurturing children'ts creativity/maturation
Wisdom
Connected to my own feelings
Appreciating natural beauty/nature
Integrity
Connecting to purpose, meaning of life
Instilling healthy values in my kids
Adaptability
Financial stability
Personal independence
Being a leader
Fidelity
Intellectual growth, debate, communication
Communicating feelings
Feeling happy and content
Accepting responsibility for living my life
Be known as truthful and honest
Sense of accomplishment
Friendship
Realistic
Personal growth/development
Respecting Mother Earth
Open-minded to beliefs and values of others, tolerance
Self-discipline
Raising a healthy child
Guiding, teaching, role modeling for my children
Self-Respect: Taking pride in who you are, the decisions that you make and the life that you are living
Meaning: Pursuing a reason for your existence--spirituality, progeny, self-awareness, etc.
Security: Securing the resources (e.g. food, shelter, transportation) needed to maintain specific values (e.g. good role model, peer acceptance, travel)
Intimacy: Sharing a special trust and vulnerability with another human beingI
Integrity: Being proud of who you are in the eyes of others
Autonomy: Being in control over the direction of your life

A) The first time something compelled me to check my husband's bookbag. I don't know what told me to look... but something did and I found two videos therein.

Another time was when it occurred to me that my husband would always clean my apartment (pre marriage) when I was at work on Saturdays... it made me wonder... And another time he was insistent that I go visit my friend who was in from out of town. He was preparing his environment for acting out and "cleaning it up" by making it seem like his time alone was put to good use. He was such a "good boyfriend"...

There was a time when I went to his car and looked in the door beside the seat. I had a feeling and followed my gut to more porn.

Another time I decided to check under the seat of the car (the backseat that folds out to make room to but the backs down).

Many times I have had a "feeling" on my way home from work... to find out the feeling was warranted.

Times I had a feeling due to recognizing subtleties of his addiciton. Although he denied anything was wrong it was usually only a matter of time before I would actually catch him acting out.

I have an underlying feeling that he has not disclosed everything. Sometimes when we are having open conversations, when he feels safe, or a need to try to appease my belief, he shares just a little bit more information. Just yesterday afternoon he told me more about his behaviors and revealed another lie/cover-up story but I still do not believe this is all there is, even though he says so. He has said so in the past and yet there is more he has shared. I have a thought that there may be some things that he thinks that he will take to his grave...

B) Times when I allowed my heart/head to override my suspicions... well, every time I had taken him at his word, even though I had huge doubts and suspicions, I still gave him the benefit of the doubt. But pretty much every time there was eventually something that came to light to show me that I really could trust my instincts. This head/heart over gut feelings started from the get-go. When I saw his collection of magazines I normalized it as he was a single guy and I intellectualized that when he was in a relationship that the porn would go. Every time I made a discovery and he told me that he wanted to give it up and that he would, that I was more important.. I wanted to believe him and I think I even wanted him to prove it... and I wanted to stick around to see if he really did mean it~if I was worth giving it up... I used to believe we were a unique couple. We had something that no one else (or very few) had and so I thought it was worth waiting it out. In respect of that one would almost believe that I was addicted to the fairy tale... and in a way, I guess I was.
The most recent glaring example was when I was at the passport office and I called him for some info. We had been at the bank together and I asked him what he was doing for the rest of the day. He said he didn't know, probably just going home. The first glimmer of instinct was when I had the notion to ask what he was doing that day... I had a feeling. Later, when I called him from the passport office it didn't feel right that he wasn't home yet. I had the thought pop in my head "he wouldn't stop at the porn shop with the kids in the car, would he?". I rationalized that he would not stoop so low... but when I did get hold of him I was compelled to ask him. He said absolutely not. So, I took him at his word.... and it turned out that he did in fact stop with the kids in tow... and I recently learned that he stopped many times with the kids in the car.

C) the examples ring true for me... he says he is trying hard and some signs are there... but there is still soooooo far to go... this will absolutely be one of the situations where my instinct, values and reality will collide.

Another situation is that my husband has befriended a female patient at the treatment centre. He says that she has just been a "good friend" and sharing is what you do at the hospital... and when he is emotionally exhausted he doesn't feel up to sharing with me. This is a conflict of my values and intuitively I think there is more to the relationship... I think it provides unhealthy emotional stimulation for him and maybe he doesn't get it... or he does but is minimizing it...

Update: I since learned that she felt more for him than friends and even kissed him (he says he pulled away). I do not know what to believe and regardless, if I accept his behaviors and poor judgement and lack of boundaries as a part of his addiction, does it really make a difference if he is working toward recovery? (rhetoric)

I think my husband is at risk of sliding into complacency. I think he is still in denial of some aspects of his addiciton. This lesson has been valuable. I am aware of the risks and am processing where my values lie amidst the unknown and in respect of the bigger picture of my life.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

1) Values that I believe are a part of my partner, addiction aside:
gentleman, shows respect of others
good friend
culture (taste in food, music, movies, art, likes to read)
desires to be a good father, loves his children
desires to be a good husband, loves me
desires to live a good life, in integrity
desires to have a healthy marriage
desires to live an honest/truthful life
he has a genuine interest in others which is overshadowed sometimes by his tendency to compare himself (vacillating between not good enough to superiority)


2) Qualities that will continue to pose obstacles throughout our relationship:
how he uses his time
he compares himself to others and is always checking the grass on the other side of the fence... things just aren't good enough and he is not satisfied with what he has... or at least this is how it seems by his conversations... and he is not willing to be responsible in his actions to have his grass be as green as the neighbors... having green grass is not important to me... it's his comparing that is the issue and the fact that it feels like a complaint but he doesn't do anything about it! (and now I hear him protest... I work hard! I do this and that! Don't I deserve time for me? I feel like I have no right!...)
his inaction
his selfish tendencies
I say potato, he says potato... he likes things tidy, I like them clean...
Being responsible.
Giving up the child role.
Defining his vision in a practical sense.
Committing to choice (he struggles with the finite condition of being human)
His spirituality (or lack thereof, again related to the finite)
His stories; his strong sense of uniqueness (like, "you don't know what it's like to be me")
His lying; he lies a lot more than I actually believed (but at least now he admits it openly)
His stubbornness
His identity is meshed in his addiction (he has not separated himself from his addiction)

I am finding this exercise difficult as I don't really know for certain what qualities he puts on for show (as a subconscious smoke screen) and what is truely important to him and what he is really committed to... I know what he says he is committed to... I need to see consistent action before I will take him at his word. I worry that behaviors attached to the addiction will also continue to pose obstacles as I worry that he will continue to struggle with recovery/complacency only to be spurred back into recovery for the sake of crisis management... I question his sincerity. Time will tell where his commitment lies. I know that I really want to believe he is committed and I want to believe in him...
{sigh}

What continues to be an obstacle is his apparent lack of self-motivation. Much of his motivation continues to be spurred by my moods. If "all is well" complacency creeps in. When things are "off", he is more attentive to his way of being and to his actions. But it feels somewhat like "recovery by numbers". I realize that I so want for this to work out that I lose focus. In the span of a couple of hours I have gone from standing my ground, to taking on compassion, to realizing that this is what I do....

I manage stress by reading, doing rn work, having a cup of tea, listening to music, doing housework, sewing, breathing, calling a friend to vent, talking it out, getting out of the house, shut down emotionally and become apathetic (extreme)

What it would take for me to become so overwhelmed could be an intense feeling of being trapped. The emotions build up and I begin to feel panicky and then I lash out by screaming or throwing something. Anther situation in which I would become so overwhelmed is when my husband and I are in the middle of a "situation". A disagreement that becomes emotionally propelled. Usually a combination of him displaying emotional immaturity and lack of responsibility and then I get the "here we go again" feeling and my auto-pilot response kicks in to try to make him be aware and take responsibility for himself and I get frustrated, angry and I start to self-doubt. I find myself in a conflict of values ~knowing my vision and wanting him to be a part of that but also knowing I can't make him do anything.

I have had a few experiences of extreme acting out due to inability to effectively manage my stress. One such time was when I smashed the glass of our coffee table by whacking my heel on it out of anger. Another time I slammed the phone down and it smashed to pieces. Once I also banged my head against my railing (duh). My most irrational behavior was when I talked myself into having an affair. I became apathetic in my marriage and justified coffee which turned into dinner which became several meetings over coffee which eventually led to a planning a rendezvous at his house which then became several occurrances at my house after the kids went to bed and my h was at work... totally irrational ~no consideration of if the kids awoke or if the neighbors became witness or if I was seen out in public with him... my marriage was already justified as non-existing~a technicality that would be eventually resolved with divorce... all of these excuses and lack of consideration violating my values and undermining my sense of self, of who I am as an honorable person, a person of integrity, someone who is responsible and honest, a role model... ugh.

Compulsive checking is the most obvious behavior to break down and I will describe the most extreme version as I have experienced it:
I am at work and I get a suspicion that something is up. If there were "clues" I mentally try to rationalize my thoughts, to talk myself down. I start to feel anxious and my stress levels begin to rise. The more I try to repress my thoughts and emotional responses, the more they persist and the more my mood is altered. I become grouchy, irritable, hypersensitive. As my mood darkens, everything becomes a cause for complaint, everyone becomes subject to scrutiny. I am pretty certain that noone understands or relates so I can't call anyone to talk.. besides, it's the same old song and dance... now I know that I have to find evidence for my suspicion. I can't wait to get home. I am so worked up (mentally) that I cannot concentrate at work. How effective as an employee am I if I cannot concentrate? I am better, and they are better off if I go home. I talk myself into being "sick" and the effects are physical... I pale and my stomach churns. I take the rest of the day off. I know he is home and I am certain he is acting out so my thoughts of catching him cause my adrenaline to surge. I become shaky. I can't get home fast enough but I do not speed excessively...no need to get pulled over and missing my opportunity to catch him in the act.
When I get home he is pleasant and happy to see me (right) but I still have this suspicion. My body pulses as I walk calmly up the stairs... now. this is where I have often found out that I was in fact correct... either by finding a disc in the player or by actually seeing the movie still playing... but, for the sake of this exercise, let's consider when I do not find him up to anything but my suspicion persists... this is when I wait for him to go to work. I go lay down (I am sick, afterall) and attempt sleep for the rest of the afternoon (I am actually just lying there brooding) until he leaves for work. Once he is gone I feel relief. I do what needs to be done~to a minimum. I feel minor guilt as I I make some crappy dinner like K.D. or pick up a five dollar pizza. I don't eat. My guilt increases as I make sure the kids have their proper distractions, like homework and then playtime with a friend... then, I set to my business. I interact with my kids minimally as I work my way through the house, snooping and searching. My heart is pumping and I am focused. Every time that I think I have found something, my heart races and excitement builds. If I have not really turned up anything, the intensity drops but begins to build again as I continue my search. I am so intent on finding something... anything... that I spend hours on end. I am negligent of my kids needs. Time passes very quickly with little awareness on my part. I see how late it is and I get angry with myself and I snap at my son. You can tell time! You need to be responsible and get your pj's on when you see it's pj time! Now I am really upset with myself becuase I just made my son feel like it's his fault in the first place! Oh~ what a horrible mother I am! I am still edgy as I prepare my kids snack. I am impatient with their indecision so I tell them they don't get a choice. I rush them to finish up and go brush their teeth... it is waayyyy past bedtime (slight exaggeration~and again, they are feeling reponsible and I feel guilty which turns to anger). I tell my daughter to pick out One Short Book... and I tell my son that if he doesn't start reading immediately that he won't have very long to read. I lay in bed with my daughter. I am agitated. I can't focus. I tell her to look at the pictures and "read" the story to herself becuase I am too tired. She protests so I read the story quickly and without expression. Then I hand her the book and tell her she can look at the pictures while I go tuck in her brother. I come back to her and tuck her in. I lay with her until she falls asleep. My blood pulses through my veins like a freight train. I try to calm myself as I am certain that she will not settle properly as she can feel my psychic energy. She finally falls to sleep and I am soooo drained but I have not yet found the evidence. I go downstairs to the computer and I start looking through the file folders. Not really knowing what to look for and not knowing where to look. I randomly open folders. Some are encrypted so I open them in other applications (and I blame my husband's porn for the problems with the computer...) I am tired, the little energy I do have comes in spurts when I think I am on to something. I feel drained. My eyes are sore and my head is pounding. I feel like utter crap. I look at the time, it's 2:30 am. How did it get to be so late? My husband will be home from work soon so I drag my butt up to bed. I am disappointed if I come up empty. If I do turn up with anything my husband just denies or diminishes it anyway (that was from the last time, I haven't done anything since, blah, blah, blah). I crash from sheer exhaustion.

Is this a trick question? Any act that he would engage in to manage his stress or regulate his emotions would likely be a compulsive act, wether it be (specifically for my husband) watching sports on television, watching non-pornographic movies, listening to music, making cds, playing basketball. He also enjoys cooking and eating good food. He enjoys a glass or two of wine. Even though these activities in and of themselves are not unhealthy, I think that he would take them to the level of compulsivity which would then be unhealthy. Another unhealthy way he would regulate his emotions would be through emotional outbursts. He would yell and scream. He would become an expert drywall repairman but hopefully not resort to physical violence toward any living being but who really knows, it could escalate to that. He could also become addicted to the emotional volatility, creating problems to be able to have the emotional release of the outburst.

“Last January I finally resigned myself to "this is my life and I really am not leaving, even if I threaten that I will, because I have not left so what has changed and what will ever change?". My thoughts started to shift. I would wonder "what if". I googled an old bf to see...â€Â

Thanks Coach Rain! I like receiving feedback... no matter what I "should" already know and your feedback is appreciated!

Much of what I wrote here is old work (lesson one directly copied and pasted) but I am including it for the sake of doing the new workshop lessons with integrity... fill in any blanks for myself etc. I don't want to wear the pretense of already knowing it all as I absolutely do not know it all and I am always open to expanding my understanding of not only this addiction but mostly of myself and how I fit into the equation.

re: Why do you say that? (about being on another planet) Is it because you decided to come up with a plan for your life? Is it because you felt you were jumping from one relationship into another? (You know me – always curious, smile.)

The reason is because I was out of integrity with myself. I don't feel it is in alignment with my values to begin another relationship while still tied to another. The truth was, even though I "planned" on leaving my husband, I didn't really have a plan... so there was a lack of integrity there as well. It was all pie in the sky and it was an emotional escape, even if at the time I would never admit it. Add to the fact that the relationship with the old bf was never healthy in the past... what would have me think it would be healthy now? It was really more of the same... and in retrospect, after doing all this work, I see that he is also very much like my husband in terms emotional instability... and I would assert that he is a love addict. There is a reason I kept choosing unhealthy partners and it wasn't until I completed the work on me (well, that is relative as I believe in spiritual evolution and continuous growth) and arrived at a place of living a healthy based life myself~one derived from my values and vision~I would have continued to choose unhealthy partners.

re:Your husband may never be able to disclose everything. Depending on how well-constructed his secret life was

...hmmmm.... something to consider... but absolutely not for him to use as an excuse

Oh! and as far as the mantra thing... great idea! I already use one for stress and anxiety... didn't think of using one for those lingering urges. I usually recognize them and choose not to engage... but as my husband is returning home from the treatment centre (rather than going back to staying with friends) I just may need to have a backup plan to my awareness and urge control.

Copied and pasted from my old thread with some additions:

The sexualized mind: growing up and being bambarded with overt sexuality. Porn was the norm in the home, it was lying around and "ok". I know he is constantly aware of his sexualized mind as he will change the channel whenever a love scene comes on and he will NOT look at other women, so it is something that is in the forefront of his consciousness. In regard to his p use, he has always adamantly denied it being "wrong" and he would insinuate that it was me who had the problem ("none of the other wives have a problem with it...").

He still does this. Just last night we were sitting aroung the fire at my dad's and my step brother decided to show my h a video. A spoof on a commercial but I could hear the sounds of pornographic content. My husband said "no, you dont need to show me, I don't want to see that" and looked away, but with the screen was still beside him, I saw him look again. I didn't say anything to him about it. He hasn't said anything either.

My own sexualized mind: Hy dad always bought my mom lingerie for Christmas. It was "normal". When I was older he would ask my opinion of the selections and have me to call in the order for him. She always opened her gift in front of us (my sister and I).
I seemed that my mind was in the gutter. I could crack some seriously inappropriate jokes that shocked my friends and peers. I would "get" dirty jokes that could go over the heads of others.


The objectified mind: He did not see how his actions could really impact our relationship. He objectified the people in the p he viewed seeing them as "not real/those people". He has minimized my feelings about p, not recognizing that I am a person with a past, present and future. He has disregarded the impact his behaviors and actions could have on myself and the children. He has used me in playing out his fantasies and would grow angry if he ever felt that I was suggesting that it was for his pleasure and not mine or if he felt that I felt pressured into doing any of it.

He still objectifies, and doesn't register that these are people, real people with issues that cause them to exploit themselves and others. He still tries to tell himself it's okay. In doing this, in continuing to engage in watching porn, he also objectifies me.

My own objectified mind:
I used to look down on people in the sexual trade/entertainment industry as "those people". I failed to recognize their humanity.
I did not know how to related to boys. I understood little of intimacy and related using sexuality.

The need for Immediate Gratification: (In the past he consistantly chose) immediate sexual release/escape over long term goals paying no mind to future consequences. Other areas of immediate gratification include doing things that give him immediate pleasure~wether it is buying a cd or reading a book or watching a movie~no real consideration to values or long term goals or plans. There are some things that he would avoid doing if it didn't offer immediate gratification (like completing longer term projects).

Still an issue. That is all I will say. It is easier to watch porn and escape than to do the work. It is easier to flake out in front of the tv, to read mindless books, than to do any work. It is easier to avoid the issue than deal with it. It is easier to lie. {sigh}

My own Immediate Gratification:
I would over-react emotionally to silly things such as the coffee shop getting my coffee wrong so I'd call into work sick. I was not a saver, and the only money I saved was money my dad told me I had to put in the bank. I slip into denial from time to time~easier than fighting and living inside of perpetual state of values conflicts.

All or Nothing Perception: In terms of our relationship he seems to think that it is the "best thing that has ever happened" and that "I am the only one for him" and that "there could never be anyone else". He also sees himself as a failure but then he'll do a 180 and demand respect and act like he does no wrong. He thinks that by admitting addiction that people will look at him like he's some kind of monster. Recently, his counsellor has remarked that he is an intense person. I sometimes wonder if this intensity is not the addiction, tied in with all or nothing thinking and the need for immediate gratification. He even takes relaxation on with an "intense" or "all or nothing" perspective!

My own "All or Nothing"~ I think the coffee example was also all or nothing (if my coffee isn't right, I can't go to work). My perception of my husband's recovery process sometimes teeters on all or nothing~but I have awareness around this so it never gets out of hand (any more )
Sometimes when I have negative thoughts they can snowball until they feel overwhelming.
I sometimes use generalized statements when making a point, which my husband tells me I am all or nothing, but it is more in my expression as I know that it's not black and white. I think it is also the fact that he takes my statements as either-or that has him perceive them as all or nothing.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

A.
When I finally put my foot down about my husbands porn addiction and called it for what it was, I presented him with all of the research I had done and just wouldn't accept it as an irreconcileable difference any longer. I wouldn't stand for his lies and deception any longer either. I was a stone wall. I basically said "fix it or get out". I was not at all supportive. When he committed himself to recovery it was entirely because of the threat of loss. I was already engaged in compulsive searching behaviors and trust was non-existent. In hindsight (20/20) I can say decisively that the reason I stayed was co-dependency. I wanted to believe that I was "good enough" for him to give up his porn. Even though I knew it had nothing to do with me, it was still about me. I was also about being right. His argument was that it was me who had the issue, that all guys do this and that I was the only girlfriend in our circle of friends who had a problem with it. Even though I fought him on this, somewhere inside of myself I had something to prove. I also did not want to have another failed relationship, which would prove that maybe there was a problem with me... I was caught up in what others thought~but outwardly I projected a strong front that I didn't care, that I was an independent person who thought for herself and who didn't need anyone's approval...

Fast forward to the "recovery". I installed spy software. I was still playing detective and would get a "rush" when I thought I was on to something. I was usually right but that wasn't enough... although I had enough evidence to bury him and I would be rightly justified in leaving... codependency was rearing it's ugly head. I would constantly send him "reminders" about his recovery work and I would monitor what he did or didn't do and I always made comments or criticisms. I worked the workshop while struggling with indecisiveness on wether or not I wanted to wait it out. I made progress in my healing. I became aware of my own co-dependency which was a humbling revelation. I regained my sense of self. In the summer when he had a relapse I was done. I asked him to leave and he went to stay with friends. In the time we were apart I was able to really focus on my healing. I have created a vision for my life with my values at the foundation of that vision. My husband has since made some great improvement in his accountability and willingness to take responsibility for his life. We are now living together again and I have noticed that my old tendencies are creeping up. I will never go back to searching. When I am hit with the urge to check I might still peek in one spot, but then I redirect myself to my vision and values. I recognize the futility and waste of energy it is and I remind myself of my intuitive abilities.

Another area I am improving is that I am getting much better at keeping the man and the addiction as two distinct entities. We have open communication and I am careful to not come across as accusatory or suspicious (although not always successful). I am being responsible in my communication. I have completey given up any participation in his recovery. which he was resentful for initially but has now come to understand the purpose. I do talk about RN and recovery but I do not ask him what he is doing about it or forcing accountability. He has become more forthcoming about talking about what he is dealing with, even though the topics are still "safe". I still need to work on managing my insecurities and skepticism. I believe in open and honest communication but am aware that this continued form of sharing may hinder his willingness to be open and honest with me and although we both acknowledge that we are each responsible for ourselves, I am also fully aware the impact my sharing of insecurities, beliefs and theories may have. I am successfully using my live vision as my roadmap and my values as my compass. I am in a much more empowered and fulfilled place. I am able to powerfully choose to remain in the relationship as long as it continues on its path toward health, recovery and continued growth and interpersonally, I am in a place of stability~ if he ends up choosing addiction over recovery I know that I will be ok and I will be none the less thankful for having endured and risen above this life experience.

B.
I have always felt that I had plenty of support in this online community and I have continually tried to pull the workshop toward myself. I can't say the same for my real life community. I knew that my friends and family were there for me but that they also didn't really understand. I did see a counsellor and although she was helpful with communication and relating she was not very aware of sexual addiction. It was good, none the less, to talk with a professional. When we separated my husband went to stay with our friends, I began to feel less suppported by them. It began to seem to me that they had more compassion and empathy for him and less for me. When he entered treatement (during our separation) I began to feel resentful with the amount of direct support he was receiving. Part of the resentment arose from the circumstances that led up to his entering treatment and his attitude about my continued struggles despite the fact that he was working on things. All of this has since been resolved. I am my greatest support. I have always had the impetus to seek support for myself as needed.

C. The changes that that I feel with increase our relationships chance of success, that I am attempting or at least considering:
I am no longer playing any management role in my husband's recovery but felt it worthy to add here as I know it is an area that I will have to monitor myself in.
I need to curb my urges to continuously question his actions, thoughts, behaviors.
I need to learn to be less suspicious of my husbands behavior.
I have to completely give up my need to know everything and to control the outcome.
I need to give up my occasionally pervasive thoughts that everything he says comes from a place of manipulation or deception.
I need to remember Acceptance. I made a choice and I need to let events unfold as they will and accept the outcome.

new thoughts on this: I do not manage my husbands recovery. I do not feel that holding back on asking questions is necessarily what is healthy. If it was incessant or compulsive, then yes~that is unhealthy and even destructive but where he is and where I am I think that open communication is non-threatening and should be something that can occur. I think that although I may have to accept that I will not necessarily ever know everything (re my husband's addiction) I still feel that in order for our relationship to grow true and authentic that it will be necessary for him to "let go" and take a chance on vulnerability and complete and absolute honesty otherwise there will always be something in the way of real intimacy and the possibility of trust.

A.
I am completely unsure of which path my husband is on. I would like to believe that he has now taken a healthy path. I know that when we first came to RN his motivation was to "do" recovery while maintaining his addiction. He has gone to "rehab" and is addressing underlying issues that have contributed to his becoming an addict. He is now doing another program at the treatment centre to further his healing but my concern is the reason he went to treatment in the first place~I believe it was in hopes of saving his marriage. I think he does sincerely wish to transcend his addiction but I do not know where he is in terms of believing in the possibility. He keeps saying that he has a lot of work to do and it won't be easy. I am glad he is being realistic but I sometimes feel he is setting up an "out" for himself should he choose to engage in his addiction in the future (ie. I said it would be work....). By now he should have gotten the porn out of his system (broke the "habit" as he has been clean for a little over two and a half months ...as far as I know) so I think that should he end up relapsing it will be due to a lack of desire to maintain the work/commitment to recovery.

I think he is on the fence. He doesn't want addiction long term (doesn't want to be a "dirty old man") but he isn't willing to do the work and isn't ready to give it up yet.

B. Issues:
I worry when he becomes unbalanced, even if he is able to acknowledge it.
He still sometimes will deflect and minimize when I share my thoughts/concerns/observations.
He seems to be a little bit wanting to please, say and do the right thing etc.
He has not yet created a practical vision (that I know of) for his life~I worry that he is just winging it.

A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

He is more communicative.
He is being as honest, I think, as he is able to be at this point.
He has become more proactive in areas of his life.
He is becoming more aware of the subtle aspects of his addiction.
He is being more transparent than before.
He has begun to share what is so for him, not what he thinks I want to hear.
I feel a deeper connection from him at times.
I think he has recognized that there are structural defects in the foundation of his life.
I think that he is, in treatment, tackling the core issues of his addiction.
 
B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

His focus seems to be more on managing the symptoms of the addiction (acting out).
He is tentative about tackling the core issues of his identity and addiction.
He doesn't have a self-driven lust for recovery and appears to be taking the recovery-by-numbers approach.
He seems to have less urges than I would suspect, either that or he isn't sharing which would cause me to worry that he is still protecting his addiction. I have asked about his urges and he responds that he has shared which is also cause for concern (defensive/minimizing)
 
C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

I admit that I share more concerns than I share validations. In the past this would be cause for fight but he has been more accepting and responsible of late. We both recognize that we are each responsible for our own actions and our own reactions and that they are independent of each others influences/reactions. We try to take a 100%/100% approach. This helps to maintain Balance and Integrity in our relationship.

I feel that, for the most part, my life has stablized but when I do become unbalanced it is primarily due to the fact that I have lost sight of some of my values. The values that I rely on to continue to maintain stability are:

Developing and Expanding my Spirituality
Maintaining Self-Awareness
Autonomy: Being in control over the direction of your life; Accepting responsibility for living my life
Communication: sharing myself openly and honestly with others

I recognize that when I am feeling out of balance it is because I am not maximizing on the potential meaning and fulfillment that I can derrive from these values. I have usually lost sight or focus of my responsibility in my healing process and my attention has shifted to what my partner is or is not doing. This invariably leads to instabilitly. When I act from my values I am empowered; I feel proud and epowered in being responsible in my life and for my life; I feel good about myself when I am my word; when I act in Integrity with myself; I feel pride for being an example for my children as well as to others who are a part of my life. When I reap all of the rewards of living according to my values I get an added bonus of having clarity. When I act within my values all other concerns and considerations (ie. am I making the right choice? what will others think?) fall away. When I act within my values I always know that I am making the right choices for me~and that is all that matters.

Specific Plan that will allow me to maximize the potential in my values:

!. Review my values/intentions each morning as I sit in peace with my cup of coffee.

2. Meditate briefly on the day ahead; specifically how I will bring my values with me into the day.

3. Maintain my focus in all activities and interactions. When I notice I am no longer present I will simply bring my attention back to whatever I am doing.

4. If I come up against something (internal or external conflict) I will filter the situation through my values and take appropriate action to resolve the conflict (my be letting something go, may be communicating, may be validating of self, may be admitting I am wrong etc.)

5. At the end of the day I will review my values again. I will reflect upon the day and acknowledge myself for keeping to my values, I will re-commit myself where I did not and look to see if there needs to be any adjustments to my values, boundaries or action plan.

D.

This morning I am completing this exercise. I will follow through on my action plan (although not with my coffee )

I read each day, from books that are introspective or spiritually enhancing.

I look at how I am at cause in the matter of my life, at any given moment. I reflect upon who I am being in my daily interactions.
I remind myself that where I am is where I choose to be.

I will make choices based on my values.

I will always have responsible communications. If I mess up, I own it. Just last night I cleaned up a mess with my son where I was getting upset with him for not being organized. I recognize that he comes by this naturally but then I tried to blame the teachers for not teaching these skills in class. At bedtime we had a conversation about the value of being organized. I took responsibility for my upset and blaming the teachers when I was really upset with myself (his disorganization is a reflection of my own lacking) and I committed to working on this with him.

I have posted these two quotes from the lesson as reminders to myself. My husband is still in "early recovery"... not necessarily from my point of view in terms of how long he's been in recovery... only in terms of the stage of recovery that he is in. As long as I choose to remain in this relationship, I need to remind myself of this, from time to time.

I do not feel that posting my letters is prudent... I do not wish to include a detailed outline of how my husband should behave or what actions he should take in order to... He has to do recovery for himself and not for me. If he comes here to get inside my head then he is doing recovery for the wrong reasons. I also must accept that his recovery isn't necessarily going to look how I think it should look. That said, I am also very aware of my choice in the matter... this does not mean that I choose to stay in a relationship with a partner who is in perpetual recovery mode... but I am giving it space and time to unfold.

Where I am right now in terms of my response to my husband's addiction is tentative but hopeful~hopeful and tentative. I have a clear vision for my life and I the man that I envision in the partner role is him (minus the addiction, of course) but I know I have no control over that. For now I am relenquishing my attempt at control/forcing an outcome and I am trying on Patience. I have set a flexible time frame for how long I will remain in the relationship under current conditions. I expect growth and transformation. I expect commitment. ...Going back to Patience... I do still struggle with my opinions and thoughts on what recovery should look like and in comparing him to my Perceptions and Opinions. I also do dip into moods where I feel overwhelmed by "There is no end in sight". My moods also shift upward where the hopeful is a little more dominant than the tentative. I work at keeping balance. I am conscious of my unhealthy tendencies and I refocus myself on what I can do to stay healthy. It is my Daily Living "meditation". It is a continuous and conscious effort to keep balance and peace. The intensity of my emotions has subsided almost entirely and I am rarely overcome with extreme moods. I am no longer in a state of perpetual anger and I can almost feel forgiveness. When I contemplate love, forgiveness or compassion for too long of a time I recognize my automatic resistance and "IT"S NOT FAIR!!!" and I am able to give way to my values to drive my emotions and reactions. I am finding that I am more open to exploring sexual intimacy but it has to be a conscious,sober and willing act of vulnerability on my part.