Recovery Nation

Hmmmmm. We are at relapse number xxx and I realize now that each time this happens it is sort of like waking up to find the furniture moved to completely new positions. You stumble over it. After you fall, you stand up and try to move the furniture back to where it was....except you find that there is this hole in the floor or the wall that the couch covered up. So now, you leave the couch in the new place. The next time, you trip over that chair that moved...and sure enough, now there is a new hole, just as big as the last one. The room gets messier, the holes get bigger and eventually you wake up tired of trying to figure out what is different this time and if you can fix it. You decide that whoever is moving the furniture to cover things up has to deal with their own poltergeist. You want a new room in a new house with your own @#$!! furniture!!

This is my metaphor for living with a person whom I believe has a porn, masturbation and possibly sex addiction.

I spent a great deal of time healing from incest and physical violence that happened to me as a child. I feel good. Strong. New in so many ways. I had married a fellow who seemed gentle, concerned for others, non-violent and seemingly stable. When our second child was born with disability, this guy started to come unraveled at the seams. Angrier, more distant and not very affectionate. I asked what was wrong. I asked for change. I asked for a partner to help me share the load. No change. No connection. Just more anger.

One day, I discovered rape software and some other stalking type porn games on the PC. I ran across music with very anti-woman explicit lyrics in the iTunes library. I freaked. A week later, after he promised he would never view such things while our children were in the house, I found my 2 year old's coloring books on the floor next to the computer chair and the browsing history indicating an afternoon spent surfing porn. I went through the roof. After all the work I had done to reclaim myself, who the heck was I living with? Were my kids in danger? Me? Someone else? I asked if it
was an addiction....my spouse, of course, said no. I had no clue what I was dealing with....just that I had to deal with it differently than my family of origin.

I requested an appointment with a couple's counselor that we had worked with earlier....I explained my concerns. I confronted my spouse. I explained that I was done with the weird sex stuff, the lying, the anger....I would support him in stopping, but my bottom line was that it was no longer welcome in my life. If he wanted to continue to do those things, we needed to go our own ways. That was about 3 years ago. He stopped for a bit...not sure how long. He started again. He's been in counseling with some improvement in self-esteem, but something is still lurking. Many years prior to that, we had had discussions about the pornographic magazines he kept after we first married. He knew I felt uncomfortable about them. Now, somedays I wish I had run hard and fast in the opposite direction, leaving that guy with his pictures years ago.

I always wondered how my aunt reconciled remaining with a child molester and denying his activities...how her sister (my mother) decided that covering up what happened to me was better than standing up for me. They were victims too. Victims who couldn't break free.....will I be the same?

Last week, I asked my spouse about his recent increase in anger and his inability to look me in the eye. Turns out he was caught having viewed porn images on a shared computer at work a few weeks earlier and couldn't tell me. Turns out he brought new porn into the house. Now he was fearful I would leave. Fearful of the work-related consequences. Sick inside.

WOW. Here we are again...but I am not the same. The grasping for answers is gone, the details are truly not important at this time. I completely understand the message in the first partner's lesson. It's time for me to take action to reclaim and rebuild my life, independent of whether
I think we should stay together for reasons associated with the children...independent of the dual income....independent of the thought that it would somehow be easier to remain married to this guy. I understand now that if he does not make a choice to lay down his addiction, it will not be easier and it could become dangerous. I am in awe at what a long arm my own past has, to reach so deeply into my life and being. Glad to be awake, aware and moving forward....whatever that may hold.

The best part for me.....though my trust in my partner is cautious at best, I know deeply that there are people who can be trusted. I know how to ask for help and I know that I can deeply trust my own intuition. It is remarkable to feel that security.

Now....can I help this guy? I can be supportive one more time. I hope that these workshops can heal our marriage. I once told someone it felt like there were 2 different T's....the caring, good with the kids T and this bizarre dark T that I did not recognize. I don't want to throw away the good T if this addiction can be beat. But now I understand that if I wake up to find the furniture moved again, I will know it is time to leave.

LESSON 2 VALUES & VISION

I have always valued honesty. As a child, I had long talks with myself about truth and honesty. I later learned that truth was sometimes a very slippery concept, depending upon who was telling the story. However, my inner truth was not so slippery and it has become stronger with healing and years of reflection. I will hold honesty in my life by working to express my experience and thoughts openly, yet respectfully to others….my children, my spouse, my friends, my co-workers, my clients. When I feel a resistance to expressing my needs or wishes, I will hold it with awareness until I understand what lies behind the resistance. Honest communication of my boundaries, needs and desires is important to my life.

I value joy and I finally understand what it means to have it bubble up within me for no apparent reason. I love that feeling! I will express joy with smiles, kindness, patience and laughter as I move through the activities of each day. I will strive to be authentic in my joy…no pretending if it is not present.

I value commitment and I will continue to do my best to model commitment and integrity surrounding responsibilities that I have to my children, my partner (whomever that may be), my colleagues and my clients. It is my sense of commitment to myself, my marriage and my family that draws me to invest as much of me as possible in these workshop exercises. It is my sense of commitment that draws me again and again to something as simple as helping my children prepare for bed each time the same night.

I will remain committed to my spiritual path by setting aside 20 minutes each day for my meditative practices. My palpable connection to spirit has become invaluable in arriving at clear boundaries between me and my spouse’s addictive behaviors. Honoring that connection through prayer, meditation and retreat is important to me.

Openness and calmness are indispensable to raising children and relationships. I will honor openness by allowing my children and my spouse to speak their views without interruption. I will offer them kind eyes and a warm smile. I will practice calmness by working to embody the stillpoint I know from spiritual practice when things are most difficult. This is not such an easy thing to do in the midst of the daily hustle, but this is exactly where I want to practice it the most. People who encounter me will know my ease and stillness. I hope it offers them some comfort.

I will support my own health by exercising 3 times per week and doing my best each day to choose natural, unprocessed foods whenever possible.

My financial and professional life are OK at this time. I will start planning for the possibility of financial separation from my partner, but I truly hope that it is a plan I will not have to put into action.

I feel good after thinking about this lesson and writing things down. I understand that my vision will continue to evolve and grow. This is exciting for me.

Hi Phoenixlady,
And welcome to Recovery Nation. I am so sorry that you find yourself here - none of us ever expected to be deaing with the betrayal that SA brings. As you probably know this is a self-led healing workshop so the more you invest, the more you gain. You are a strong intelligent woman who expresses herself well so I think you will make the very best of the lessons here and that in itself is empowering.

You ask, "How can I help this guy?" Well, you can't fix him - that's his job. This is a healing forum for you. By setting down your vision and values and learning to set boundaries to protect those values, you will become a healthy role model of sorts. You hit the nail on the head when you said there were 2 T's. That's the nature of addiction - dualtiy. A secret life and the life he presents to you and others.

I enjoyed reading your vision - you have identified what is important to you. Think of it as a tool, a kind of roadmap for you to follow and refer to see how you are doing. One suggestion is that you keep a positive focus relative to today in both content and language. For example: I value honesty. I express my experience and thoughts honestly, openly and respectfully with everyone. I am aware of possible resistance and work to understand it. I communicate honestly regarding my boundaries, needs, and desires to everyone. This is a long example, but I think you see what I mean by staying in the present.

Also, the Community Forum is a great place to ask questions, vent, and share. The women are very generous with their time and sharing their wisdom and experiences.

After about four lessons, a mentor or coach will check in with you again.
Find a comfortable pace for doing the lessons - it's not a race but a steady momentum helps. It's a building process with each lesson building on the previous one.

You have made a great start. Remember to use the reply button as you submit each new lesson.

Nellie James

PostPosted: Sat Nov 06, 2010 7:35 am Post subject: Phoenix Lady's Thread

Lesson 3
A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

Wow. Those times are like being hit with a bag of bricks. It was a pretty bag...flowers, embossed, tidied up. Let's start with last week.....

My spouse had been angry and irritable towards me and the kiddos again. Couldn't look me in the eyes. In my very first thread entry, I mentioned how he had relapsed. About 2 weeks after he was caught viewing porn on a shared work computer, he finally mustered up the courage to let me know about the incident. At the time he told me that he accidently clicked on a single picture of a nude woman, thought "oh shit!" to himself and closed it immediately....only he minimized it instead of closing it. At the time, I was sensing that it just didn't seem quite right...something in the story or the details was not fitting.

This evening, it was "I looked at several pictures of nude women." Whew!
Even though I have experienced this kind of deception before, it is always sobering when I uncover it again. It just plain hurts...no matter how much I try to tell myself it isn't personal....no matter how much I know in my core that it isn't personal, it still trips some of my triggers from so long ago, albeit not as intensely these days. And it is disrespectful!!!!!

One other major incident was after he promised not to view porn in the house when he was home alone with our children. He came up with a great
story about what he had done with our 2 1/2 year old that day....yet the browsing history showed a very different story. I wouldn't have checked the browser, except that I found my kiddo's coloring book and crayons on the floor next to the computer chair....not where he usually hangs out.

There are more, but I am so tired now of stories and details and everything else. My reality is that my spouse lies and deceives me regarding anything remotely related to his addiction. That is today's life situation...

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

The past 9-12months have been the attempt at abstinence. I had alot of hope. I really wanted to believe that it was not addiction as I believed at the very beginning. I talked myself into seeing more connection in ways, some improving sense of self-esteem, less anger toward the kiddos....I thought maybe he was right. Nah, it really isn't an addiction.

When he was getting angry again within the last month, I thought perhaps I had offended him in some way. I couldn't come up with any specific run-ins that seemed like we were at odds. I kept looking inside for what I had done wrong....this is one of my patterns. I suppose it's the co-dependent part of me, maybe trying to take responsibility for the conflict between us.

There have been many times that he has become angrier and angrier with myself and the kids with no particularly good reason that I can see. I see now that my first response has been to figure out what I've done wrong or to try to protect the kid that he is going after on a particular day. Maybe I just need to ask him if he's OK. Maybe I should be asking if he's using again instead.

How about my favorite excuse...."Well, don't all guys use porn?" Not at
4am in the morning when they should be preparing for their work shift and eating breakfast. Instead, he was late for work, consistently for quite a while. I thought maybe he was just tired and late because he was falling back asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom and he knocked over the chair in the computer room trying to tidy things up so I didn't walk in on him masturbating, I got a clue.

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

He hides in favorite room in the house. Moving quickly to come out if he
hears me coming.

A general anxiousness and irritability that he gets when he feels ashamed.

Staying late at work without explanation.

Doing lots of chores. He helps with the house chores when he feels guilty.

Badgering and criticizing our kids on a daily basis. This usually happens when he is angry with himself.

When he can't look me in the eye

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Hello Phoenix Lady,

When you want to post a new lesson response to your healing thread, first you click open your healing thread and then you choose the "post reply" button. ("new reply" creates a whole new thread). It is an easy mistake to make at first, but you'll get the hang of it!

Welcome to RN.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

LESSON 4
1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process.

This was more difficult than I expected it would be. I did something similar all on my own 2-3 years ago when I was responding to my initial discoveries. When I saw this lesson I thought I would just go back to that list of his character traits and values that I had made before. As I read through it, however, I realized that I had deceived myself....it has taken a few days to consider what I really sense will survive the recovery process.

Our daily conflict resolution skills and ability to talk with one another about things that come up in a family situation are pretty darn good. A fair amount of active listening goes on. No yelling, no name-calling, no diminishing the other.

And as before, there are many wonderful things here that the addiction pushes underground or twists up into something less recognizable.
I put a * by these traits & values that disappear during intense addictive behavior periods.


So here goes....new list.

He values caring & is in a caring profession
*He values closeness, touch
*He values commitment
He approaches most things with a spirit of cooperation
*He is cordial and thoughtful towards people
He values curiousity & imagination
He understands how to play (with kids, with me)
He has a sense of fairness
*He values his family
He values flexibility
He values helpfulness
*He values some sense of honor
*He values openness to new ideas, place of understanding
*He values responsibility....but is this out of fear???
He appreciates sensuality

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

My partner (and my child) struggles with ADD type features. This is important, as I believe it flows underneath the addictive behaviors. I cannot imagine that it will not just go away with the addiction.

He does not value order or consistency in our daily life. I can't tell if this is due to the addiction and lack of sleep, or if it is just part of who he is. This gets out of hand and is difficult to live with.

He is easily distractable.

Does not help provide the sense of vision for the family or assist in shoring up the details that need attention surrounding kid care.

He does not seem to value a sense of completion.....the responsibility to follow through with what he says he will do has been spotty. Can I really rely on this person as my life partner? I have to say that this has improved some as he has been in counseling, but spotty is still the word.

He is often in his mind somewhere and does not pay attention to what is being said or conveyed. While it is absolutely hilarious sometimes to hear him respond incorrectly to our children's questions, it is difficult when the subject matter is sensitive or important to our children and he completely misses the jist. I also feel a void when I am really needing or wanting support around something.

Affection most often goes with a desire for sex. Not sure if he would become more genuinely affectionate if the addiction is gone....but I'm also not so sure that he wouldn't.

LESSON 5

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

I manage my stress by:

Listening to music
Exercise
Meditation
Talking with trusted friends
Time with pets
Time outdoors
Crying/shouting/moving
Spending some time examining the situation
Spending some time deciding if I can take action to eliminate the stressor

I look inward for strength. When I was a child, even when things were horribly wrong, I had some sense that things would always be OK. I still have this sense.

Death of a child or my partner would be totally emotionally overwhelming. I suspect that I would turn to food for comfort when faced with being alone (probably chocolate or ice cream). I'm crazy about chocolate and have occasionally eaten so much at one time that I felt sick afterwards. Don't do that very often....may have done it after my last delivery.

The last time that emotions were overwhelming for a while was after my child was born with disability. Immediately after birth and for about 3 months following, questions about how I could love that child would pop into my head uninvited. I used practices that I had learned in meditation and the concept of titration to get through them. When they arose, I watched them a little bit at a time. If they persisted, i tried to find someone to help me. Over time they subsided and arose less frequently. I cried if I felt overwhelmed or sad. I hit the heavy bag when I was mad. Emotions still well-up about this from time to time, however, they are usually future associated worries. I consider them and then remind myself that there is nothing I can do about these worries in my present day.

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

The very first counselor I worked with after uncovering memories of childhood sexual abuse was a self-disclosed rookie, but I liked her alot
and I hadn't really trusted anyone before that. She did some re-parenting for me and I had what I would call a mothering craving at the time. I had never had alot of mothering in my life and it was a relief to experience that kindness. I worked with this person for over 1 year. She came in one day in late May and announced she was leaving her practice to return to grad school. We would finish up in July.

I was sad and confused. A week later she announced to me that since I was doing so well, we could probably finish in one more session. She told me that she wished to stay in touch. This was cool, but I had soooo much grief inside of me. She was a body-centered therapist and also a licensed massage therapist, so she had given me touch-based work. This made it worse. I kept thinking that if only she had never touched me or comforted me, I would have been fine. I suppose it felt like losing your mother. I have years of hindsight and much better coping skills these days, however, I was a grand mess at the time.

I kept coming up with reasons to email her. I secretly wanted to visit her again someday. I really wanted that mothering relationship and I did not yet have the skills to seek comfort and company from girlfriends. My spouse was not really available in an emotionally supportive way. I had her address and sent her a gift....most likely unwanted. I was obsessive for quite some time....5-6 months. Had I not channeled the energy in this way, it felt as though I would break into pieces. The grief was overwhelming.

I understood that my behaviors were over the top, but I could not stop the feelings of loss and hopelessness. I could never have a continued, meaningful relationship with the person (object) of my longing. I finally sought help from another counselor and cleared things within me using EMDR techniques and meditation.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

Without the addiction, I believe that my partner would seek other means of instant gratification. e.g. buying lots of stuff, buying toys, participating in online video games excessively.

From this lesson, I understand (1) we all have behaviors that have the potential to get out of hand, (2) once we recognize the behavior, we can address it and seek help, (3) If there is no plan and no alternative for dissipating the stress or coping with emotional pain, there will be a void and most likely a return to the most familiar coping patterns available.....an addiction or compulsion.

A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.

I have read most of Jon's book. I can see the progression from innocence to compulsion and then escalation of behaviors. There is a sort of sense to how it unfolded, however, I am still left wondering why some people spiral down this path and others are able to self-reflect early and avoid addictive behaviors. I suppose the why doesn't matter so much in my present situation, but it seems that insight into how or why my partner moved in the direction(s) he did would help me be more supportive......as long as I am on the outside, with very little personal disclosure about this, it feels difficult.

Sort of like having someone show up late and tell you that they were in a car accident versus showing up late and saying, "Well, I was busy watching TV and didn't feel like coming over when at the originally agreed upon time." I would have instant empathy for the accident and aggravation for the TV excuse.

B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.


"Sex within the relationship is practically non-existent...as a moral conflict has developed between his/her secret life and the life that is shared with you. And where there is moral conflict, there is condemnation and sabotage to ensure that such sexual behavior does not occur."

There have been some quiet references over the years that I now recognize as sexualized mind....for example, my partner has verbally stated a long-time, common reference to having a dirty mind. There used to be references to "corrupting me." I've noticed some facial expressions and lip licking that was always a bit off. Some touch, though I suppose it was intended as affection, felt much more like my body was being played with.
Hobbies usually had magazines with lots of cleavage and idealized babe bodies. These were uncomfortable, but because of my history of molestation, I always thought I was over-sensitized. Maybe I should just cut some slack....

Over time, I came to realize that I was simply drawn to the familiar and unconsciously sought it in my partner. At some point, I also realized that he had sought me for reasons completely hidden to him as a young adult.

Of everything in the sexualized mind section, however, the moral conflict piece has the most resonance with my present relationship. After some substantial personal work regarding my own past and my childhood abusers, I felt I had finally arrived at a place and time of wanting and being able to have sex and intimacy without fear, discomfort, anxiousness, etc. I was absolutely floored to find that when I truly became available with all of me in this way, my partner was not interested.....despite having talked about wanting more sex for most of our relationship. Couldn't even wake him up one night, yet he was up extra early before work to masturbate with porn. WOW.

As things moved forward, he would tell me that he didn't want to use my body in that way and has a very hard time asking for sex. He has always had a hard time asking for sex....there are a zillion and one reasons...but now I understand that it is some sort of moral conflict within him. He chooses the addiction and then morally condemns himself and sabotages our relationship. As the behaviors escalated, it seemed to me that he somehow wanted out of the relationship but could not bring himself to stand up and say it. Now I'm not so sure....I believe that it is more self-sabotage
that is drifting into all aspects of his life.

C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?

Objectification
I remember one rather poignant conversation when I had discovered porn and images of women that looked pretty darn young, although the site said they were all 18 years or older. I looked at my husband and said, "that's someone's daughter!" "How would you feel if it was our daughter? Do you really think that all these young women are here because they completely understand what they are doing and why?" I have always been saddened by the exploitation of women and young girls in this way. They are people to me. He looked at me and said....I'd never really thought of it that way before....

I suppose that objectification is how he was not repulsed by the very idea of rape-based fantasy games on the PC, when he was married to a person who had been raped as a child. That hurt.....alot. Scared the $%it out of me too.

Immediate Gratification

I have witnessed this to some degree with regard to the porn use and masturbation, however, it is such a secret activity, that it is difficult for me to describe in any detail with respect to his emotions. Other than anger, I don't see alot of the other emotions that could complement someone's life.

I would say that I have noted a need for immediate gratification with regard to owning things and buying new stuff....some of which is never really used.
This is a pattern that has been evident throughout our 15+ years together.
I do believe it relieves an emotional edge in some way.


All or Nothing Perception

I believe that my H often applies all or nothing judgements to himself. He will always screw up, it's his pattern, there is no way to change it. This makes me sad...I know that life is not this way. I do not see him or his actions in this way. I do have a limit to what I can live with as a wife.

I see this reflected in how my H corrects the kids sometimes. There is no compromise...no discussion....no gray place for them to work it out. Since the most recent events, he has taken a softer tone with our kids.....has he taken it with himself? Hope so.

Dear Phoenixlady,
I commend you on your diligent and intelligent work. You are moving right along and processing your lessons well. Way to go!


Good observation.


Trusting your gut is key - you sensed the details were not fitting. Listen to what he does not what he says.


This is a normal reaction because it does hurt that someone we care about can be so deceitful. Lying goes hand-in-hand with his addiction - it's a form of self-protection. It is good to see that even though it trips your triggers, it is not as intense as it once was. You VALUE respect and he isn't giving it to you because he may not know how at this point.

Yes, it is your reality, and you are wise in knowing that.


Abstinence is not recovery - you know that now. There is always hope, though. If he recognizes his addiction and takes the steps to get the help he needs and commits to healthy recovery - it can happen. However, it is up to him. He's the only one who should take on that responsibility.


GOOD INSIGHT. Whether it's co-dependence or not - give yourself some time on that label - many of us try to understand the conflict when we feel so rejected.

.

Anger can be an emotional sign for you that something is wrong. It is OK to ask him. It is better to communicate when you feel something is off even if you don't get an honest answer, you make your concern known.


We've all heard that one.

You've done a great job indentifying his behaviors: favorite room, irratability, staying late at work (avoidance maybe), keeping busy helping with chores, his anger, not looking you in the eye. All pretty classic.


Being aware of this is good, but don't beat yourself up feelilng that you deceived yourself. We all did the best we could with the situation we had.


Awareness like this is a great tool for you. You are recognizing his patterns which will help you protect yourself and your values. Awareness and trusting your gut are key tools for you.

ADD is hard by itself. In some ways it may contribute to his SA especially on an emotional level. There are others on RN who have had to deal with this, too. I have an adult son who struggles with ADDH so I see this first hand. His sleep patterns are affected and he is also easily distracted, and has the wandering mind you have described.


You demonstrate a healthy attitude and ways of dealing with your stress.

Your "mothering" experience with your first counselor is very touching to read - you understand yourself and the craving you had and have delt with it effectively in a healthy way. You did that for yourself understanding that you had to deal with your "grand mess."

.
Do you have the skills to seek comfort from girlfriends now? Most SAs have a difficult time in being emotional supportive. Mine did.


It must have been a very lonely time for you. I am sorry.


Yes.


It is difficult to make sense out of something that doesn't make sense at all. Dealing with the why's can be mind-boggeling. There is a later lesson that deal with this because his behaviors are linked to his past in some way - often childhood issues.


We have empathy for what we can understand. When we don't share the same VALUES it is hard. You may be able to find empathy as you learn more about his emotional motivations.


The addictive patterns make no sense to us because we have rational minds and they don't. Once the compulsion takes hold it it in control until the addict learns to manage his emotions in a healthy way but that begins with his facing himself and doing the work to change his values and behaviors.

You have done a great job. Give yourself a big hug, and remember your job is to heal you.

Nellie James

Exercise 7

You know, I really don’t know what I want yet. I feel that I can still be supportive. I recognize a lot of positive qualities in my partner and it is hard to disregard them because I am hurt right now. I’d like to give myself time to see how things proceed. I’d like to spend some time really evaluating things against the background of my values. I’ve not
approached our partnership in that way before.

A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:

I. Effective communication

When my partner first came to me with the most recent crisis of being caught with pornography on a shared work computer, I maintained an open and non-threatening position. That was the first night. As it settled in over the next 2 days, I did not do so well. I was feeling sick inside, betrayed and angry. I watched him shut down in front of me. By the end of that first week that I knew, I had come to a calmer place and also understood that accusations and anger were not going to help me, him or our relationship move forward. My partner has been more open with me, though I have some trouble discerning sincerity at this time due to continued lies.

My partner is working with a counselor and also a healer. He knows that he needs some man-friends or some face-to-face SA support, but I note that he is slow in seeking this step. He has chosen a coaching option at RN and picked his own level of support. I have not pushed any of this. Because I suspect that some of his wounds lie with his relations to family, I did suggest that he carefully consider which of his family members he confided in and when.

I understand that my partner is not capable of providing emotional support for me at this time. It is hard, but I also see that I have never really had intimate emotional support from him. It is a next big step for me to seek out a CODA or COSA group to assist me. I have sought some emotional support from women in my life, but it’s a lot to lay on someone who has no notion of SA. It would be nice if I could find a health-based group of this type….not a 12 step….but I am still looking. I find it pretty cool that I am no longer resistant or afraid to seek out help from other women. When I was a child, I went to my mother after I was molested. Because of her own unacknowledged history, she freaked, made it my fault and beat the #@$% out of me. She was violent and a heckuva betrayer in other ways over the years. So much for trusting women as a young person. I am grateful for the women’s support in the RN forum and hoping that I will find some great face-to-face galpals on my journey as well.

I believe that have done fairly well in not focusing on the negatives. I have a security in myself that I can’t quite put words to. I don’t really want to spend all of my time focused on his problem. I have compassion and supportive feelings, but I don’t want our relationship to continue thriving based on a “he screws up and I clean upâ€Â

LESSON 7 communicating needs section

I realized today that I need to become clear about three different kinds of needs and then communicate them to my partner, not necessarily presenting them all at the same time.

1) What are my needs surrounding behaviors that I cannot live with and what I will do if they happen again.....

2) What are my needs surrounding our relationship while I am in the "undecided" phase. I believe that if I can be clear about my needs during this time and my partner can voice what he needs from me, we will have a much better chance of rebuilding a healthy partnership....and hopefully my undecided position will shift to full commitment again.

3) What are my long-term healthy partnership needs.


Since they are most relevant to today's situation, I'll start with the "undecided phase" needs. I will leave the others for a different entry.

I need my partner to demonstrate sincerity in working on healing, recovery and establishing health. This means action, not just talk. I can fully support action. Persistent action.

I need my partner to really check in with me once a week and talk with me regarding how he is feeling about recovery, new insights, etc. If he needs to speak more about it, that's OK too. Once a week is the minimum.

Our lives are busy. We have children. I need my partner to be a parent and assist with the goals and flow of the household. I will work to free up time for him to work on recovery.

I need my partner to be honest and open. I need him to tell me about problems immediately, not weeks or months after problem behaviors have occurred or have been continuing.

I need him to remain in the guest room until I figure out my own feelings about being sexually intimate with him again.

I need my partner to seek out some sort of face-to-face support surrounding his healing. Mankind project? Local SA group? This needs
to be addressed by mid-January 2011.

I don't want this list to be too long. Too daunting. I believe that these are
the basics surrounding my needs as related to his recovery. I recognize that I have needs surrounding my personal support, feelings and own sense of overwhelm at times...I'm OK with a hiatus on expectations that he meet "normal" partner needs at this time. I'd like to revisit it in one month.

LESSON 7 --communicating needs, long-term needs
I have been considering the long-term needs that I would like to have in partnership....with this partner. If it be another, then at least I have some idea of what I am looking for.

Some of them are the same as those in the "undecided phase" list in my last post. Some are new.

I need my partner to really check in with me once a week and talk with me regarding how he is feeling in general and what is happening in his life and his mind.

In thinking about sex & intimacy, I have understood that my way too early sexual experiences as a child led me to associate sex with pain, fear, anger, violence, absence and punishment. My long term sexuality needs with my partner need to build on sex & intimacy associated with fun, loving behaviors, joy, affection, safety and deepening connection.

Our lives are busy. We have children. I need my partner to be a parent and assist with the goals and flow of the household. When there are parenting questions, I need an interested and invested person to share those conversations with.

I need my partner to value honesty and demonstrate it by being honest and open.

I need my partner to value a stable financial situation and work hard to share that responsibility with me for the family.

Hmmmm. I attended my first COSA meeting on Sunday evening (12/12). There was so much emphasis on how good or bad the last week had been. So much emphasis on the hurt.
I don’t want a “pain-focused, I am sacrificing myself for someone” life anymore. I had it for so many years in regard to my world view adopted because of sexual abuse and violence in my childhood. I’m done. There was a woman who was attending due to SA of her boyfriend. She attends 3 of these meetings per week. Her boyfriend slept with a bunch of other women while telling her he wanted a monogamous relationship….she’s a great young woman….I wanted to tell her “run…run hard and fast in a different direction, work on yourself so that you can be happy and comfortable with someone who will not hurt you in this way!” That would have been an inappropriate judgement on my part….so I stuck to my I statements and offered a prayer for clarity for all of us. But inside….I wondered how
she could not have dropped a boyfriend for flagrant cheating?? I feel fortunate that my spouse’s situation does not run so deep. I suppose I would not have stayed married for 18 years.

Exercise Eight

While this workshop is about rebuilding your life, you are nonetheless impacted by the ongoing behavior of your partner (unless you have completely broken away from the relationship). For those who continue to be impacted by their partner's behavior:



A. Considering only objective signs of a healthy recovery/unhealthy recovery, what path do you think your partner is on? If on an unhealthy path, do you think this is due more to lack of insight about how to change, a lack of energy/motivation to change or a lack of desire to want to change?

At present, I would say that my partner has most of his eggs in the “Those Who Will Make the Transition to a Healthy Lifestyle.” However, I watched several of the behaviors listed in the “Those Who Will Occasionally Struggle with Relapse” arise between DDay 1 (Aug 2008) and DDay 2 (Oct 2010). At this point, I’m an optimistic realist…..

This time around I see that my partner is slowly taking necessary action to deal with the employment issues that he has created for himself. These may deeply impact our financial stability as a family. I have noted that it is the most self-reflective that I have ever seen him in our 18 years together. Not self-reflection through rose-colored glasses, but reconciling reality with self-perception and understanding that the two haven’t been matching up for a while. This is NEVER an easy place to be. I understand that too.

While there seems to be resolve and forward motion, there are also periods marked by a sense of powerlessness and immediate, extreme depression that does not lift easily. I have asked him what the depression and sadness are telling him. What is their message? Perhaps if he can understand the message, the feelings will move through and resolve.

I guess I would say that it feels as though he is somewhere in the After the First Transition: "Actual Recovery" descriptors. Two months after being discovered at work, he is still working on his values and vision. He seems to value being present to the moment and demonstrates understanding for the trouble that his behaviors have now created. He has apologized to me. The planning skills still seem weak and I hope that he is able to find support to learn these skills so that he can become a full, functioning partner in our relationship. After everything, if I have to continue to shoulder most of the household responsibilities, I might as well be alone with the kids. Continuing with the status quo from October '10 will just make me angry that there is someone living in the house who is not truly with us.

He is pursuing a soul retrieval. These can be such powerful ceremonies and experiences. I hope that this strengthens his spiritual connection to life. There are such great goodies when this happens!

Finally, he is not so angry and quick to criticize the kids. This is huge . It was such a bummer to be living with these behaviors.


B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?

(1) He seems to lack planning and follow-through skills. I am concerned that if he does not address this part of his skillset, he will abandon the recovery process. I would like to see him actively work on his planning and action skills associated with goal-setting and goal achievement.
(2) I have not yet seen a verbal or absolute commitment to honesty as a value and demonstrated way of living yet. This is very hard. Could eventually be a deal breaker for me if I am consistently lied to about aspects of his life. I am waiting to see if he arises at a self-commitment to honesty without prodding from me. I don’t want the “I’ll say anything to keep my marriage response.” I want the real deal!
(3) He seems to still have a preoccupation with internet usage and is turning to gaming to some degree to replace the SA behaviors in the early mornings. I have found that he rises early and typically spends nearly an hour of his before work time playing games. He is rarely getting more than about 4 hours of sleep each night. Makes no sense to me. I would like him to declare time limits and self-regulate this recreational internet time. I’d like to see him pursue recovery efforts with the same dedication that he plays computer games with on a daily basis. (Is this just another addiction brewing?) I believe he might be best served by only using the computer to work on his job search and recovery activities.

Exercise Nine

A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

My partner has recognized the presence of some fundamental flaws (don’t we all have those, yeah baby) evidenced in a conversation that we had about how he perceived himself
handling life, things and everything versus the reality of how he was dealing with things.
When he reflected upon them, he realized that the two images did not match up.

I have witnessed him working at adult life management skills over the past 4 months, albeit slower than I would have it be. But change is an individual process. I recognize this and have lived my own change. Each person has their own pace and tolerance for change.

I have witnessed him working at alternative responses to our children when they or he are stressed. This tells me that he understands his reactive responses to them were not and are not the most effective ways to communicate and parent. Big kudos to him.

Though it is hard for him, I have watched him take a more proactive role in getting the assistance he needs to proceed in his job search, interview successfully and make a new position happen.

He has sought out a local SLAA group and stuck with it for 3 meetings thus far. It seems to be a helpful piece that provides understanding and support specific to the self-esteem challenges that he faced as a child and still faces as an adult. I sense that the support is the gift of understanding that only someone who has experienced his situation can truly provide.

In general, I would say that the above examples suggest that my partner is trying to generalize change across many areas of his life. I have also seen more vulnerability and transparency surrounding emotions that arise, particularly sadness. This is new.


B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

I believe that my partner is engaged in a healthy recovery, however, there are a couple of things that I am wary of.

(1) I have not heard much about how he deals with the sexual urges to act out or pursue the addictive activities. This makes me wonder if he is still engaging without being caught at times and unable to come forth with that information.
(2) I have not heard much about self-awareness of subtle sexualization in his daily life. On occasion, I see him very clearly visually drawn into an ad on TV which demonstrates buxom women or some other sexualized objectification of women. He seems completely unaware. When I ask about how he deals with these things….he says they don’t get to him at all. How do I know?
(3) I note that he is more attracted to Ebay and computer games. I’m still not sure how this fits into the big picture, but it seems that these visually stimulating, solitary activities could be gotchas if my partner does not approach them with self-awareness.

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

We sat and talked about both healthy and unhealthy observations. I began with the healthy observations and a sense of change, but I would say there was a distance in my partner and lack of enthusiasm for his own positive changes. I told him that all of my observations in section A gave me much more hope and that I recognized things to be different than 2 years ago. He is no longer trying to manage addiction and secrecy in the same ways.
Yeah! We moved on to the things that concern me regarding his recovery and he was more readily drawn into deflation. This seems like a poor self-esteem habit. Attracted more by negative feedback in order to support a negative self-image. While I believe that I’m on the mark in my recognition of this, it is still extremely difficult for me to understand how and why it perpetuates itself.

As we spoke more about his past and his response to our discussion, he explained that he was still having a hard time taking in the kudos and positive feedback. “I know I’m doing these things, but is it me? It somehow doesn’t fit.”

This helps me to continue to be understanding while setting boundaries and asking my partner to step up and take more responsibility in our relationship and household.

Dear Phoenix,
You have been doing good work that is taking you forward in your healing process. I am jumping in with a few comments here and there covering your lessons to date. Some reflect your thoughts from an earlier date that have since grown or changed -


Good Awareness at this early point in your healing process.

This is to be expected. We can't always gauge sincerity by their lying or not lying. I know this sounds illogical, but it takes time for the SA to feel safe enough to be that vulnerable. There is a certain amount of fear in facing themselves and you. As he progresses this should diminish. In the meantime, you have to deal with this kind of uncertainty but still not accept lying - he needs to learn that. Hope that makes some sense. It's a bit of a tightrope walk of sorts.

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Your suspicions may be correct. Many SAs have a family history that contributes to his self image or colors his perceptions of life. It is his job to sort that out for himself, but good for you to have an awareness of what has formed him. SA doesn't happen out of the blue - the groundwork is laid early on and your understanding of that is helpflul to your own healing.

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Another good insight especially at this time when he is learning who he is himself. My H always had a difficult time being emotionally supportive of me because he just didn't know how - never learned it or saw it happening when he was young. Emotionally connections were not allowed so he learned alternative ways of coping like using his intellect instead. But it didn't work even though he thought it did.

Good for you. It demostrates your own maturity and ability to face life.


Great attitude. You are your only responsibility in this situation. He has to learn to take responsibility for himself.

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Walking the talk is key. Persistent action may have interruptions, a few glitches here and there as he learns to face himself, be aware of his patterns, and engrain new behaviors. It can be a bit bumpy even it though it is sincere.


Honesty and immediate honesty is something we all want. This might be a learning process of sorts for him. It's good that you are going to revisit this to see how things are going for both of you which may be now since this is an older lesson. Most of us partners have had to deal with this and don't always have the patience we need in our Hs getting there - to not be afraid of the truth. It doesn't mean that we can't make it clear to them that we value honesty and open communication. Quite the contrary.


Good insight into yourself. Your own history is very important to your healing as is how you value and define a sexually intimate relationship. Have you shared this with your H?


Nor do you want this to be your focus in healing. I personally believe in a positive approach. Focus on your healing and living a life based the vision and values you have for yourself. Are you still attending this group?


Nice. Skewed perceptions are part of the SA mindset and his realizing the difference between this and reality is a good awareness on his part as well as your recognizing this in him.

He may not be able to verbalize this in terms of a message yet. Acknowledging feelings is a first step but it can be a hard one. My H's counselor asked him to keep a sad, mad, glad, fear notebook in his pocket to practice recognizing those feelings as they occured each day for several weeks. Mad at the guy who made a bad turn in the car ahead, glad that the weather was sunny, etc. Just the little things and of course big ones if they occured. He was amazed how much this helped him release feelings outwardly.
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These are good first steps. Apologies and acknowledging consequences can be hard for the SA but important for the partners to hear.
I found that as my H progressed he became increasingly aware of how destructive his behavior was and his apologies became even more specific and heartfelt. It was a process for him that evolved as his healing did.

. You're correct. This is huge - especially for your children.


When you reach the lesson on boundaries to protect your values, you may want to consider including honesty. It's not necessarily prodding, but communicates your values/boundaries openly to him. When I made my list, I put a copy on the refrigerator door and gave my H a copy, too.

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Have you communicated this to your H?

Yes. Good awareness. You also have an understanding of the value of the support he gets from someone who has experienced his situation and recognize his being more vulnerable and transparent regarding emotions.


Talk to him about it. My H didn't talk much either so I asked him. It's better than wondering. When you see him drawn into a TV ad, do you talk to him at that point? Several RN partners have discussed this with their Hs pointing out that they (the partners) object and would like the TV to be turned off at this point. If he is so unaware of his physical reaction to the TV ad, he may need an action plan to help him which comes later in the RN recovery lessons.


Feeling guilty and ashamed are common reactions in early recovery. And some SAs get stuck in a shame-based mode. My H did and worked through it with a personal counselor. This takes time, awareness, and action plans of a sort so the SA can practice new behavior patterns. This won't happen over night because it most likely harkens back to childhood survival patterns which are deeply engrained. His RN lessons will help him with this too - later lessons.


At this stage, your H may feel that he doesn't know who he is, and this is not unusual eitherl. He is sorting things out as are you. I recall a period when my H seemed almost childlike. Our counselor told me that I couldn't expect any security from him because he didn't know who he was. I was shocked and dismayed -I felt victimized all over again. But the fact of the matter is that he was doing about all he could handle at the time. In hindsight, I realize that she was right but that I needed more from her myself in order to cope with him at that point in time. I needed her to offer me some comfort, encouragement, and "nuts and bolts" tools so I could help myself. I didn't know about RN then and had no vision to focus on - and I think that is the key for us partners along with doing our lessons. Learn to focus on what we want our life to be, what gives us joy, and honor our values.

It's also more than OK to vent on the Community Forum when you need to be heard and supported. Excuse me for rambling a bit...
Again, good work. Give yourself the Gift of Patience in your own process.

Nellie James

Exercise 10.

Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.
I read through those values again. They are ALL important to me, but here are three that rate high on my enthusiasm scale right now
1. I engage in honest communication about my boundaries, needs and desires
2. I honor my spiritual path with daily meditation and practicing openness & calmness with my children and others
3. I support my own health by exercising 3 times per week and doing my best each day to choose natural, unprocessed foods whenever possible.

B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.
With regard to engaging in honest communication about my boundaries, needs and desires…..I believe that I have been successful in understanding what I have to do and experienced a sense of fulfillment when I have honored my own internal sense of what is happening around me. I have no trouble being honest about events, actions and things that I might need to take responsibility for in my daily life. I have more trouble acknowledging some of the dissonance that I feel with my partner and letting him know that this is happening. So then….I wonder if sometimes I am not completely honest with myself about what is going on inside of me regarding relationship with my partner and my feelings about having to deal with all of the things that go with living with someone in the recovery process.
My spouse has been prefacing responses late with, “Well, I’ll admit…..to this or that…”
This leaves me wondering what all the things that he won’t admit to might be. Wouldn’t it be nice to live with someone who connected with me and noticed when I was feeling not quite right? Now, in the last week, I have discovered that he has relapsed. I feel a number of things: frustrated, worried, anxious that we cannot support our household if he loses another job due to his addictive behaviors and just plain angry that this guy can’t get it together to actively work his recovery and as such, has relapsed.
About 1 month ago, he talked about retaking our marriage vows for our 20th wedding anniversary (since past). My stomach jumped and I thought, “Oh no.” I told him how I was feeling really hesitant about that sort of a ceremony at this time. I wasn’t sure exactly what it was about, but my heart and gut didn’t feel right. It would have been more fulfilling to be in a situation where I could have honestly responded with no hesitation, “yes, I’d take my vows over with you.”

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.

1) Reflect honestly on one aspect of my relationship with my partner each day. Asking questions about how I feel about that aspect. Does it make me feel happy? Secure? Does it
worry or scare me? After a week of reflection, pick one aspect to share my feelings about with my partner.

2) I am involved with a Buhddist meditation group and have started practicing meditation as regularly as possible with other life demands. It isn’t daily, but it is 2-3 times/week.

3) Although I would like to exercise daily, I have adjusted my goals here so that taking a walk with the dog counts as exercise. I would like to exercise more vigorously every other day.

D) List the steps you will take in the next 24 hours to begin strengthening each value.

1) Value 1-honesty. I will prepare for my spouse’s return to the house after relapse by writing down how I am feeling and what has been going on for me during his forced absence.
2) Hold my meditation practice, even if only for 30 minutes tomorrow.
3) Write notes to myself in places that I will find them, telling myself that I can eat healthy today!