Recovery Nation

Hi,

I have been married to my husband for just over a year and we are expecting our first child at the beginning of November. I found out that my husband was a sex and love addict in November and was made aware of the extent of his addiction last month. After we got married I found out that he had been sexting and having cybersex with different women everytime I would leave town or I was away for a night. Prior to this I did know that he had quite a flirtatious side to him when texting or online with female friends of his but I never thought that it was as vulgar or as sexual as it turned out to be. When I first noticed his flirtaciousness we went to counselling for several months and I thought we had dealt with it prior to getting married (I told him that we could not get married until this was sorted out). After we were married I found messages that lead to the discovery of his addiction and again he went to counselling. He assured me that he was sorry and that this had all started after I had gone into a depression and that it was a result of him not feeling like he could make me happy. Last month I found out that this behaviour had actually been happening since the very start of our relationship to the extent that after he told me he loved me for the first time while we were dating he went home and made a declaration of love for another women.
I love my husband and he has assured me that he has not had any episodes or inappropriate conversations since November (when we deleted all social networking connections (msn, skype), he changed his phone number and deleted all ex partners from his facebook). The only exception from this is an initiation of conversation with a women where he said "Hey Sexy!". This message was to an old friend whom he had not spoken with in years and was not responded to by the friend. The friend talked with me and said that she had not heard from him in years and that this message was completely out of the blue.
I am having this child in just over a month and am committed to doing what I can to support my husband but because of the years of half-truths and "full disclosure" it has become really hard to trust that what he is saying is accurate. I want to believe that this is now it and there cant be any more stories of infidelity because there is not one part of our relationship outside of the last 10 months that is not tainted with mistrust and lies.
My husband went to his first meeting last week and has signed up for this site so we can do the addicts part and we can do the couples recovery but I told him last night that im not going to push him because I want him to decide to do it for himself not because im pushing him to work on it. I met with an S-anon memember this week and am going to my first meeting on the 17th. I have finally gotten to the point where I realize I am only in control of me and I need to do what is the best for my child and I.

Hi Traciann,

Welcome to Recovery Nation,

First, know that you are not alone. The experience you have shared is shared by many. SA often blame their addiction on their partner "if you weren't depresesed, if you were more accessible etc." and the sad part is that partners often accept that responsibility. Know that his addiciton is in no way your fault. Even though he told you that it didn't begin until the beginning of your relationship, it more than likely goes back farther. If his "hey sexy" was really out of the blue, then it goes to show how ingrained his behaviour is. For now, you are right to remain skepticle about the accuracy of what he has told you so far, or that it is complete but at the same time, it is okay to remain cautiously optimistic. It is great that you realize that you are the only person you can control--that is where your power in life is and this is what the workshop is about, developing and working on those areas of life that you can control. Again, I welcome you to Recovery Nation.

Be well.

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First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)