Recovery Nation

I started this program back in February, but I don't think I was ready yet. So I'm starting over.

Exercise 1:
A. Because the discovery of your partner's addiction will no doubt reflect many commonalities with others, it is at the same time uniquely devastating to you. Take some time to share your background in relation to the discovery of your partner's sexual and/or romantic compulsions/addiction. Share an unadulterated version of your partner's addiction with someone you trust; or, anonymously in this forum.

I do have 3 people close to me that know the whole story. 2 best friends and my older brother.

Discovery took place on Superbowl Sunday, 2010. He had previously admitted that he had same sex fantasies that "haunted" him. I found that day that he had been posting for a meeting on the internet. This led to the downward spiral of discovering just how deeply he was buried in this addiction. His addiction is primarily internet porn and same sex fantasies, which he has fed with internet porn, video store meetups with other men, and possibly internet hookups, though this I do not know for sure. As is common, he is more active in the addiction during periods of extreme stress.


I know this isn't as long and detailed as it might have been, but honestly, it's been 2 years and I've discussed it deeply with 3 people and a therapist. It's no longer my main focus, I need to be focused on me and where I'm going, the details of what he's done and/or is doing are just time wasted to rattle through them all. He betrayed me, and has yet to get on a true path to recovery.

I just want to see where I can go. Since DDay, I've lost 60lbs, started running, and accepted a job offer that will be far more challenging and rewarding than where I am now. I am glad with my progress, and looking forward to see how much more I can make. With or without my husband, that's his decision.

Exercise Two
I. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy as a wife, mom, sister, friend. Create a vision that represents the real you. The one that you will be reconnecting to on your path towards healing.

II. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Healing Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (in this case, me) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.




My vision: just in list form, which I will continue to build on.

*Call mom more. She’s having a tough time, and she needs me.

*I will continue to build on my running. It has changed my life.

*I will continue to monitor my diet. I enjoy my new health.

*I will have and maintain a handle on the finances.

*I will take time for me. Shut the blinds and watch a movie on weekend afternoons, if that is what rejuvenates me.

*I will keep the house clean and organized - especially paperwork. It will be my safe clean haven.

*I will cultivate my relationship with new and old friends. I will spend less time alone.

*I will dress how I WANT to feel, even if I don’t feel that way yet.

*I will grab the ball at the new office, getting them organized and making sure jobs get completed fully. EARN that bonus!

*I will make time to do the fun things, even if alone or with new friends. I will not rely on husband to get out and do them.

*I can handle managing the house with or without any assistance.

*I will love myself, and recognize that I am beautiful and lovable.

*I will reclaim my sexuality. No one else will take that away from me again.

*I will be grateful for what is good. And aim more of my focus on that. In many ways, I truly am blessed.

*I will relax more, and vacation without anxiety. I can trust my petsitter implicitly.

*I will spend more time examining my spirituality. Narrow down my true beliefs and celebrate them more.

*I will release more of my stress and worries to a higher power, and trust in the universe to take me where I need to go.

Exercise 3

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

He has recently been less and less attentive and interested in me. Then I caught him red handed watching videos, which he proceeded to lie about (until I full on called him out, cause I heard them), and minimizing the situation. Has admitted since that he’s been acting out for about 2 months.

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

This most recent is the only one I can clearly identify. And it was more that I suspected, but had no proof, so said nothing. I intend to going forward though.


C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

My husband claims to be in recovery, but continues to justify looking at pics and videos as “middling” behavior. I believe he thinks he can “control” this addiction, and still be able to look sometimes. This is how he addresses his alcoholism, he still drinks every night, but maintains a drink limit. I have told him “control” is not enough, the images must go, or I must.

I will be monitoring his openness, attendance to meetings and support groups online, and his general attentiveness at home for signs of improvement.

Exercise Four
1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

Values I can still see in him, and believe will remain:
*Accomplishment. * Competitiveness. *Cooperative, easygoing. *Creative. *Fair. *Spiritual. *Competent. *Family oriented. *Works hard. *Stability. *Punctuality. *Tolerance.

These are values I HAVE seen in him, but seem buried by the addiction:
*Commitment. *Loyalty. *Search for inner peace. *Generosity. *Progress. *Growth. *Empathy. *Compassion.


2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

*Tidiness. *Organization. *Focused to the point of ignoring other responsibilities. *Unable to multitask. *Forgetful. *Not able to manage finances. *Poor communication, inability to express himself.

Exercise Five
Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behavior. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational.

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

I have developed self soothing abilities. I’ll read, run, cry. Distract myself for a short time sometimes with a movie. Mostly I focus on getting everything I can clean and organized. I tend to control the things I can, so the things I can’t are less of a problem.

I have, in the past, had a few drinks to avoid issues for a while, but not routinely. And I am still a smoker.

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

Closest I can get I suppose is cleaning, though compulsive might be too strong. It was in regard to finding out about my mothers cancer. Since there was nothing useful I could do for her, I at least cleaned and organized, so I felt I’d done SOMETHING useful. It didn’t actually remove the anxiety, but did make me tired enough that I could rest. Sometimes you just have to accept that there is nothing you can do. Things do happen that you cannot change.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

In his case, without the sexual addiction, he probably would have used alcohol or hard drugs to cope. He uses alcohol anyway, and has mentioned that he was tempted by drugs at one point.

Exercise Six
Understanding the sexualized mind will go a long way in allowing you to better relate to what you are currently experiencing. The more objective insights and awareness that you develop, the stronger will be your ability to maintain confidence and control in your life. And, the faster it will be achieved.

A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.

B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

The obvious ones are his interest in the “porn” activities, things he’d like to try. Things that are demeaning to the woman, and in some cases himself. So many things that “looked” fun or powerful. So much energy invested in being like a person seen on a video, instead of just enjoying being with a loving spouse.

“All men do this”. The typical gaslighting and justifying that we all seem to face. Believing he just cannot have his sexual appetite appeased. That he is in some way “different” from other people, and needs all these outlets.

C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?

ALL of them. Though he hides “the sexualized mind” part quite well, I now know it’s there and can see it easier. BIG on the immediate gratification and all or nothing thinking.

Exercise Seven
A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:

I. Effective communication

This was UGLY at first. One or the other of us always trying to get a rise out of the other. Most of the time now we can address things calmer. Earlier this week he was still working for a reaction. Clearly we are still learning, and both need to work on remaining calm and not attacking.

II. Managing your partner's recovery

Oh yeah, I used to be far too involved. Then I backed WAY off. Of course, he fell back in. But he’s trying again, and I’m leaving it up to him. I’m well enough now to go if I have to, and strong enough to handle things with or without him.

III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health

In the very beginning I compromised everything I was to try to save us. But that certainly didn’t work. For anyone. This time, I did tell him I don’t believe him strong enough to beat this. I’m undecided on if that will hurt his growth or not, but it was true when I said it, and I have to tell the truth. Otherwise, I’m not currently involved in his recovery, so I don’t believe I am effecting it in either direction. At least not directly.


B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?

He’s definitely got more resources available than I do, but I also feel like he NEEDS more resources than I do. I talked to a therapist, joined a group for awhile, and have a few really good friends that offer plenty of support. I’ve made my healing a priority, regardless of what he does. He has in the past stated that he wants me to heal, but he’s still far too early in recovery to be of any support to me.

C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?

We definitely need to develop better communication and honesty with each other on both sides. There is very little open and honest communication going on at this time, I wouldn’t even actually call us “friends” right now.

Exercise Eight
While this workshop is about rebuilding your life, you are nonetheless impacted by the ongoing behavior of your partner (unless you have completely broken away from the relationship). For those who continue to be impacted by their partner's behavior:

A. Considering only objective signs of a healthy recovery/unhealthy recovery, what path do you think your partner is on? If on an unhealthy path, do you think this is due more to lack of insight about how to change, a lack of energy/motivation to change or a lack of desire to want to change?

He is either in the “will continue to fight with relapse”, or the very first stages of a healthy recovery. I think it is too early to tell. And this is a new attempt, or possibly just a continuation of the unhealthy path he’s been on for the last 2 years.

I feel like he’s still on an unhealthy path, but that’s primarily because he does not share with me, and to be honest, I’m not making it easy for him to talk to me. I’m currently at the point of being ready to end this relationship, and not particularly concerned with what he does. So that has to make it tough to talk to me. But, regarding his most recent relapse, I believe he just lacks motivation and energy to stick with it.

Further evidence that he’s not on a healthy path is that I had to catch him using, and he has not shown any remorse whatsoever. Knowing that he willingly deceived me makes me believe he’s just playing the part of recovery. And I’m not convinced he “wants” to change so much as he doesn’t want to lose what he has because of me.

Please note the wording there, it’s not ME he’s afraid to lose, but the things I provide that he fears losing.

B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?

1.) He doesn’t really communicate about his recovery with me at all.
2.) His go to reaction is anger. Making it very difficult for us to communicate openly and honestly.
3.) His tendency to bury himself in other “things” as an alternative to the addiction. While they are healthier activities, he isn’t really learning to address the causes, just filling the void with something else.


I can see that other members are reading this... please feel free to jump in with any input.

Exercise Nine
A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

I don’t believe he is. Not at this time. We recently had yet another DDay.

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

He is still (as of 1 week ago) actively watching porn and hiding it. He continues to lie to me and does not offer any honesty and transparency.

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?

I caught him red handed. I have not recently communicated any healthy observations. I don’t believe he will enter healthy recovery, but have not quite reached the point where it is feasible to just end the relationship.

He has promised, yet again, to address his addiction. It is too soon to tell if he is truly sincere this time around, but I am not particularly hopeful.

Exercise Ten
Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.
For example:
1. My role as a healthy mom to my children
2. Deepening my spirituality
3. Having a supportive mom
B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.

C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.

D) List the steps you will take in the next 24 hours to begin strengthening each value.

1.) I will love myself, and recognize that I am beautiful and lovable.
2.) I will release more of my stress and worries to a higher power, and trust in the universe to take me where I need to go.
3.) I will make time to do the fun things, even if alone or with new friends. I will not rely on husband to get out and do them.

I will pick out a few affirmations, and put them into use.
I will continue to verbally pass my concerns onto the universe to handle. And release them from myself.
I have a run scheduled this evening, which I will go and do by myself. I will continue to accept the random offers to do things with friends, such as the walk with a girlfriend last night. Finances limit the ability to DO too much with friends.

Hi Timetomoveon,
Your story is tooo familiar. (I'll never forget the shock when I found the hard-core gay porn on his computer!!! I mean, where does that leave me???? )
I've been involved here at RN for a year now & my husband about 10 months. Please, Feel free to read my posts. And know you are not alone!! U R so right, what they choose to do is up to them, not us. And no amount of checking up, questioning, etc. will change that. What's important is that you get healthy. What your partner does is always up to them. RN is a great place to pick up the pieces, get to know yourself much better, grow, find peace & friends who have been there. Some marriages last, some don't. But if you sincerely do the work, you will get healthy and make better, calmer decisions & find the peace and better self esteem all of us so desire.
So, welcome. And know you are not alone!
Hugs, Awake1

Thanks Awake. I currently feel like healing will take me further and further away from my husband. But I'm already less miserable, so there is no other option.

Exercise Eleven
As a partner of someone with an addiction, you are forced to deal with consequences from actions that are beyond your control. Behaviors that are beyond your comprehension--incompatible with the values that you have come to base your life on. The behaviors associated with this addiction have certainly caused a significant disruption in the way that you live your life. And whether you stay in the relationship or not, issues have developed that must be addressed by you in order to regain control of your life.

A. Write a letter to your partner, expressing all of the emotions that you have experienced as a result of their addiction. This is not intended to be a letter that he/she will read, but rather, a letter representing your most intense feelings.

Dear Husband,

I’m suppose to write a letter with everything I want, but can’t, say to you. But we’ve been through it all. You wouldn’t hear me anyway.
You knowingly and willingly acted out and lied to me for months. I don’t see how I can ever trust you again. Not after this.
I’ve read that some couples make it. But your attitude towards me would have to change SO MUCH. It just doesn’t seem likely. And what’s the point anyway? What do you bring to this marriage besides your paycheck? The big things I loved about you, honesty, fidelity, they weren’t real anyway. WHY should I stay?
I’m not hurt anymore. I’ve moved past that. I have sorrow. And I pity you. You are losing so much. All I’m losing is lies.

B. Upon completion of your personal letter, it will be your task to write one more. This one, a letter from your partner to you. In this letter, take some time to think about what it is you would say, "if you were them". How would you apologize? How would you offer reassurance? How would you explain the behavior?

Dear Beth,
I’m so sorry for all the pain I’ve brought you. None of this was your fault. You were an amazing wife, I was just incapable of appreciating it.
I screwed up everything. And I know it was my fault.
I am so sorry.

Exercise Twelve
A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

I am very much disengaged with him and the relationship in general. The only remaining symptoms are a desire to check his personal email/see if he’s still journaling. And a desire to meet with an ex lover, which comes from a desire to be touched by a man who WANTS to touch me. I have no interest in discovering any more porn evidence, but still have a lingering curiosity if he is working/journaling.

I have no interest in engaging with my husband in any ways but the purely superficial. I regard him as any addict in my life, untrustworthy, and protect the things endangered by that (in this case, my emotions. when around the drug addicts I know, I protect my wallet, around him, my whole soul).

B. Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.

I expect to have significant trust issues in all future relationships, as I had a few even prior to this. I actually find that I still on occasion have a difficult time seeing husband as the one who did this, it just was so not what I expected. But the other side of that is, he has lied so many times, that other times I look at him and only see LIAR.

I expect to have some difficulties accepting that any man is truly “with” me during sexual activities in the future. I will be far more sensitive to the possibility that he’s acting out, using me.

I expect that deciding to actually let a man into my life again will be difficult. And currently find it unlikely that I will remarry, if we divorce. Sometimes I think I’d like the divorce now, so that I can protect any future assets. This would make it easier to give him time to work on recovery, without me worrying about growing assets that he’ll have a claim on.

I expect to face fears of being forever alone. Although I was content being single prior to meeting my husband, and am well aware that I do not need a man to complete me.

Primarily I expect to have major issues trusting any man, and seeing porn addicts EVERYWHERE just based on my own expectations.

Exercise Thirteen

A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..

Given the complex nature of addiction, especially as it relates to family and relationships, this process should take several hours, rather than several minutes. It will be important for you to consider the affects to your physical, emotional, social, spiritual, economic, interpersonal, potential selves--as well as any other area that you feel is relevant. There are no right or wrong answers, only ways that you believe this behavior may have impacted your life.

B. Rate the affect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2"--what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.

*Loss of sexual self esteem 1
*Tendency to view everyone as having signs of addiction 8
*Increased desire to establish relations with men outside of my marriage 3
*Feeling of being entirely responsible for the day to day upkeep at home 3
*Feeling more lonely married, than I ever did single. 1
*Completely changed my body/weight in reaction. 1
*Have more understanding of others, what secret battles they may have. 5
*Major issues with trust now 6
*Unwillingness to tie myself to anyone again 6
*Feel unable to rely on anyone but myself 4
*Learning to say no, less tolerant of abuse from anyone, not just husband 3
*Re establishment of my independence 7
*This originally destroyed my self esteem, but changes I have made have addressed that, and now I feel I deserve so much better. 1
*Learning to trust my gut 2
*Really getting that “life is not fair”, and accepting that. 2
*Entertainment - adjustments to what I’ll watch, Tv, Movies, all viewed through a porn addict screen now 3
*Insecurity about my financial future 2
*Humiliation for allowing anyone to make me feel so unwanted for so long 5
*Shame for accepting this life, I knew I wanted more intimacy, but didn’t have the self esteem I needed to make the right choice. 5
*Desire for freedom, feeling tied to this situation that I have no control over. 4