Recovery Nation

June 27, 2012 my world changed in an instant, again. I had breast cancer ** years ago and I thought when I heard those word's "you have cancer" it rocked my world - well the words uttered by my husband of 26 years "I've been unfaithful" rocked it again.

We have had hard times but we have 3 daughters, the youngest is in college and the oldest just moved out for the second time a few weeks before and we were new empty nesters. I was still getting used to having an empty nest, trying to find common ground, with my h who had grown so distant. We were starting to have quiet dinners together and getting to know each other again. I came home one night and he told me to sit down and with one breathe said "I've been unfaithful". He proceeded to tell me that for past 8 years he had been with having an affair with a married woman! They were both runners, they shared that interest. Over the past 8 years he would hook up with her after races that they signed up for, all locally. She lives in the next town over. He said it was not a continuous thing. 6 months would go by and he would feel guilt but then would sign up for a local race, she would be running too and they would hook up in her or his car, again. Then the guilt came but the cycle would start all over again, for 8 years.

I kicked him out of our bed and room that night and tried to process all this new information. The girls were coming home for 4th of July and I didn't want him anywhere near me or them. I told each of them and all hell broke loose, they didn't even know their father. All those crazy emotions x 3. The next few weeks I held on to my sanity by a thread, shared with a few people and our pastor. Funny that is how some of the crazy life started, we had recently switched churches and I encouraged h to got to the new church and get to know the pastor better. That is who he confessed to first and it was the pastor that told him, he had to tell me. God is funny isn't he.

I didn't want to throw 26 years of marriage away so we entered counseling and the 2nd session we were supposed to write down our goals. My goals were something like wanting to have a honest loving relationship and his were attend more football games! Those were goals of an 16 year old! I was shocked, but just this was just the beginning.

The past 10 years, he also made some terrible investments and lost over 1 million dollars, for the past 5 years with 3 girls in college we have been counting every penny. The stress has been a struggle for him. He moved back into the house so we could save money and talk and work on our marriage.

I started scrolling the internet and looking for resources and found a site for sexual addition. It said many times that when you have a confession like this it is just the tip of the iceberg. 2 weeks after the first confession, I went to him and asked him and he looked me in the eye and said there had been 2 other women that had come onto him, kissing, but that was it. By the next day, he came to me again and admitted that he has an affair with a married woman in his office, sex in the office and broke it off. But after one affair they get easier and he started the affair with the runner soon after. The third affair confession was when I knew without a doubt he was an addict. We attended his 20 year high school reunion together on a Friday night- the next night I had plans with my dad so he went alone. He went up to a hotel room with a married woman he had gone to high school with on Saturday night! And then came home and climbed in bed with me. I was married to a sex addict too!

Questions started coming out of me and I couldn't stop them. I would go a few days and ask a question a little different than the time before and would get a different answer, it was crazy. I found out that he had unprotected sex with at least 3 married women over a 10 year period. Off to the doctor we both had to go to get tested for STD's. Humiliating.

Last week the runners husband contacted me, one part of me did want to talk to him. He confirmed most of what my h had told me was true but he had found text messages, hundred's a day for months, sexting messages. Dirty pornographic ones. My h had told me they were communicating up until a few months ago but I had no idea to what extent. He was sexting more during a day than my 3 girls combined. It really set me back to square one, again. Ask a question a different way and you get another answer.

Some of the hardest part of this in the lack of emotion. He just looks at me. Detached. He has become a master at compartmentalizing. One part of his life as a husband, father, man of God, hardworker, athlete, man of integrity and another totally different one.

You search your brain for all the signs you missed. Here are a few that should have been a huge red flags but I was naive.

We dated in high school, broke up and got married after we met up again. We both drank socially but he so many times didn't know when to stop. He would drink until he was trashed, and then would be so hung over then next day he couldn't function. One night, as newlyweds, we were hanging out with another couple, he had been drinking liquor and he tried to trip me. Kicked my feet right out from under me. I told him that night that if he didn't stop drinking liquor we were done. And he hid he liquor drinking from me for years. He happen to slip one night when he mentioned that he had been at a meeting and what he had been drinking. So I knew then that I was married to an alcoholic.

When we were first married, 6 years in, I was helping him move his office, I happen to pick up a garbage bag, I looked in it to make sure it wasn't something to be packed and it was full of pornographic VHS tapes. 50 or so. I looked at him and panic was written on his face. He admitted that they were his and said he was done with that. We had 3 children under 3, I knew nothing about porn addiction and yes I felt betrayed but believed him when he said he stopped. And most men looked at porn. I felt guilty because I felt like I had been neglecting him and paying more attention to the girls. How wrong I was! Porn addict too!

All our marriage I never felt particularly close to my husband, there was always a distance. We would be fine for a while, talk, sex was good but then he would start drinking more, working more that he was home and growing farther and father away. We would talk about it and he would change for a while but then it would start again. Workaholic too!

He never liked conflict and always had a very hard time disciplining the girls or making a decision. Many times I really thought he was stupid, lazy. The more I did the less he did. When I found out I had cancer, he stepped up and finally became the man of the house. So it really was in him somewhere. That lasted less than 2 years. He started back on his cycle, working, withdrawing and drinking to much socially. Cancer changed my life, I now was focusing on me, what I wanted out of my life, the fact that I wanted to live. I knew I couldn't change the way he was but I could change me. And I have been working on my life ever since.

Now entering the empty nest phase, I thought we could work on our marriage. But after his confessions - he needs to work on him before we can work on our marriage. The hardest thing I have had to do was actually confront him with the fact that he was a sexual addict. The tears, the anger.... He has now been seeing a sex counselor for 2 months.

I realize that he never grew up beyond a 16-18 year old. We were fine when we were first married, honeymoon phase and life focused on us but as soon as children entered the relationship, he never grew again. Never took responsibility for anything and because I was strong he just did as little as he could get away with. I married an alcoholic, workaholic, porn and sex addict. Wow!

I don't know where this is going, but I do know that I cannot fix him. I can only make my self stronger and better. My immediate goals are to be there for support for my girls, get out of the financial situation that we have been placed in and live day by day.
I don't know what God has in store for me. But this forum and these workshops are a Godsend. We really don't have money for counseling and this is an answer to prayers.

I wrote this last week and have a black dot next to it and no one has replied. What am I doing wrong? Please help.

Dear Getmygrooveback -

Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am sorry for everything you are having to go through. I understand the shock of finding out that someone you have lived with most of your adult life is not the person you thought they were. This is a trauma and you have come to the right place to heal and more importantly, to learn about what you want for your own life.


I hear such strength in your words. You are right - you cannot fix him or help him to recover. His recovery is up to him and him alone. Your only concern is You.

The workshop is self-directed and what you put into it is relative to what you will get out of it. Take your time when doing the lessons - let them sink in and put as much thought as you possible can into everything you do here. This will be a life-changing experience, but the work is up to you.

Coaches and mentors will check in on your healing thread from time to time, but ultimately the journay is your own. If you have specific questions, they are best posted in the partner's forum, as the coaches and mentors are all volunteers and may miss something that you feel is important. And please, ask all the questions you can, as everyone here knows and understands your pain and we are all here to offer you love and support.

Do something special for yourself and yes, do take care of you. You are important.

Sending you lots of hugs my friend,

Coach Sue

_________________
"You are the designer of your destiny. You are the author. You write the story. The pen is in your hand, and the outcome is whatever you choose." Lisa Nichols

Lesson 2 - Values

I believe God is the guardian of my life and all things work for good, eventually.
I will trust God’s timing, turn over control of my life to God and I will study and stay connected through church and small groups with uplifting, positive people. I will serve God in any way he sees fit.
I want to make a difference in people's lives and live my life with passion.
I will work to live debt free.
I will strive to have a job that is flexible, challenging, results driven and be paid what I am worth.
I will exercise, eat healthy, take care of my body, mind and soul through counseling, chiropractor/doctor visits and spa visits.
I will take care of me.
I will stay connected to friends and strive to make new ones-through church and business with notes/texts/cards, dinners, exercise, and social situations.
I will be a source of support for my 3 grown daughters and sister through my faith, and passion for life.
I will work to stay connected to my parents in a positive way.
I want to travel and try new things, so any time the opportunity presents itself, I will pray and leap!

If God chooses, I want to be in a relationship where I am respected, loved, taken care of, a partnership of honesty and together we have a purpose for life.