Recovery Nation

Exercise Thirteen
A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..
Given the complex nature of addiction, especially as it relates to family and relationships, this process should take several hours, rather than several minutes. It will be important for you to consider the affects to your physical, emotional, social, spiritual, economic, interpersonal, potential selves--as well as any other area that you feel is relevant. There are no right or wrong answers, only ways that you believe this behavior may have impacted your life.
B. Rate the affect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2"--what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.

A) I am distrustful of everyone and everything. I question everything. I don't even trust myself. 12
B) It has affected my ability to be a good Mom to my kids, emotionally unavailable to them, impatient with them, angered easily, and constantly questioning or disbelieving them. 1
C) I doubted my own sanity.7
D) I was so ashamed because I felt responsible for this that I isolated myself from all friends and even my family, especially my sisters. 10
E) I seem to take everything said or done personally. 8
F) I hated myself, felt very ugly, fat, unworthy or undeserving of anything in my life, very low self-esteem. 11
G) There’s nowhere I feel safe and/or secure anymore. 9
H) Devastated my self image. 5
I) It has weakened my values and morals, the very thing that made me who I once was. 13
J) It has changed me from a good, happy, helpful, nuturing, and caring person into an obsessive, miserable, untrusting, and at times, a hateful, uncompassionate, nasty person. 6
K) It has made me not be able to enjoy life and do the things that made me happy. 4
L) It made me just not care about anyone or anything. 3

Exercise Fourteen
In Stage One; Lesson Two of the Partner's Workshop, you were asked to develop a general vision for your life. This vision focused on developing an anchor to health and stability by allowing you to identify and re-attach yourself to those areas of your life that you truly value. Now, you are asked to create a second vision. This one is more of a 'mini-vision', isolated to how you will manage your life over these next few months--through your healing (and your partner's recovery--if applicable).
To assist you in developing this limited, practical vision, here are a few questions to ask/answer. Think about the questions in normal type; answer the questions that are italicized in your healing thread.
*Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.
I intend to spend no time focused or tryig to manage my H addiction/recovery. I will offer him support, I will offer him healthy communication, and my unconditional love.

*How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?
I am n ot going there anymore, haven't in several weeks. I try to just relax, focus, and count to ten. Then I usually go to the RN website to help me regain my thought balance.

*What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?
I am no longer willing to let anyone including my H do any more damage to my personal values. I am working too hard to put them back into place again. I will protect them at any cost. Even if it means not being with my H any more.

*Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.
I understand that recovery from his P/M addiction is going to take alot of time, patience, and communication on both of our parts. I guess that I would be accepting of any slips as long as they are not thought out accidents. There will still be consequences, but tolerable. I think the few things that would be intolerable to me would have to be any futher deception from him and not being motivated and persistent in his recovery on RN. If he doesn't start and maintain a level of dedication to his recovery on RN I don't think it will be able to survive this addiction..

*How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility--both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?
I don't believe that I can invest any responsibilty into changing my H, he has got to want to do it own his own and for himself. I am continuing to react to everything not with my emotions but with my head and I will continue to do this. I will continue to give H my unconditional love and support, I will listeen to him when he talks to me, and I will always be here for him.

*Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs? If the latter, how much clarity do you have in determining and communicating your personal needs?
I am learning to voice my needs to my H, not an easy thing to do. I see myself continuing on this path and getting better at sharing my needs and desires.

*How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen?
This one I am not ready to answer yet.

*Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication. We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals:
We both have forgotten have to communicate in a healthy way. We are both trying to really listen and hear what the other one is saying and trying to take the time to understand the others points whether we agree with them or not. I am learning how to be less defensive and react to things in a logical way instead of my emotions. This was probably one of the most difficult things for me to realize about myself.

*Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.
I will look inside to my heart and the core of me and know that I cannot let anyone cross those boundaries again. I will remember the person that I am because of his addiction, and know that I will not be that person again.

*What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?
The continuation of his different behaviors, his honesty with me (as much as he can at this point), and starting and continuing his recovery on RN.

*What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?
Changes in behavior and not entering and working a recovery program.


These are just some of the questions that you will want to consider and prepare yourself for. There are potentially many others. List anything additional that you feel is important in preparing yourself to face this transition in your life/relationship over the next few months.

Hi tln,

This really jumped out at me:


I too, look back and see that it was perfectly natural that as we started a family, I took on the role as a mature responsponsible adult. Call it maternal instinct or women's intuition, but we changed and knew how to change ourselves and became more and more values based and other-aware.

But this does not in any way nuetralize or interfere with a healthy partner's ability to do the same. Your growing up did NOT prevent your husband from growing up, so please do not assign yourself the blame.

Minerva

Dear Minerva,

Thank you for responding. It is nice to hear feedback from anyone who has experienced this. I have felt so alone for the last 8 years, it is just nice to know that there are others out there who have unfortunately experienced this and give help, advice and guidance. I am trying to realize that as my healing progresses. I guess what I thought was that I should have in some way forced him to "grow up". Not really sure if I could have done this or not. It is encouraging to hear someone say that I am not to blame. We are only 5 months since d-day and it has been such a roller coaster ride. There are times when I feeli like I am going to be alright and then something will happen and I start to feel like I just want to get off the ride because I just can't take anymore. When does the pain start to subside? When does the anger start to disappear? Thank uou again.

Tina

Exercise Fifteen
A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?
Cindy - best friend, very supportive, non-judgemental, listening, caring and just concerned for me
Julie - great friend, very supportive, non-judgemental, very compassionate and caring
Chris - my partner in crime, I gave her the most details of all, although not all, very supportive, listens and allows me to just vent, caring and non-judgemental
Family members - can't really get too much support because of not allowing myself to disclose any details


B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items. Put an asterisk in front of each resource that you are currently using to help you through this crisis.
Reading
Walking*
Bike riding*
Listening to music*
Spending time with friends*
RN*
Theraphy*


C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?
I try to always be there for friends or family members and always try to be non judgemental, try to offer any advice or life experience that I have.

Wow thought I was progressing along fine and that I had actually came a long way. But I had a set back yesterday which in turn I allowed it to affect my day. It was a bad, angry day yesterday and I felt like I was back at square one. Had a little more disclosed to me by my H and I thought that I just couldn't handle it. Then on top of that we are doing the couples workshop and 1st lesson is his writing a letter stating all his wrongs, actions, lies, etc.. that I was not supposed to look at. Well after the disclosure from H, I felt the need (immediate gratification) to read the letter. I immediately felt guilt and shame for allowing my emotions to cross over my boundaries and values (trust, dishonesty) so i woke up my H and told him what I had done. I understand the point of the lesson, the start the processing of trusting in each other again, but I let my emotional reaction to the disclosure rule my decision on whether or not to read the letter. And I failed at the lesson. So I am guessing that I am not really ready to continue on with the couples workshop, that I need to get a little farther in my individual workshop?? I almost think that I don't want to hear any more disclosures because I feel as if just sets me back a few steps in my healing. But at the same time I question if I would be able to move forward with the fear of wondering?? I am not sure of what I was expecting to gain from reading the letter, peace? comfort? reassurance? I felt that the only thing I did take from reading the letter was my guilt, shame, and disredarding my value on honesty. I just want to stop hurting and being angry all the time. I want to be free, happy and normal sometimes. I didn't ask to be in this situation, didn't really even have a choice in it, but it seems that I am the one that it is the most devastating maybe, I am the one whos put on this medication for her depression/anger, another to sleep, another to help with the anxiety/panic attacks, pills to just make it through the day somewhat functional. To me this seems really backwards. I understand that the addict has their own issues to work through, but why does it seem that mine is much more and so much harder? So much more unbearable for something that I didn't choose??

Exercise Sixteen
A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.
Compassionate/Caring/Empathy
Honesty/Truth/Truthfulness
Love
Loyalty
Integrity
Respectful/Self respect
Safety/Secure/Stability
Trust/Trustworthy
Openness/in listening to others with an open mind/communication with others, and accepting of others, non judgemental
Pride
Fulfillment
Generosity/Appreciation
Ability to be forgiving
Affection/Closeness/Ecstasy/Passion/Sensuality
Emotional balance/Continuation of Personal Progress/Self Actualization/Strength
Beliefs
Choice
Friendship with H/Continuing growth together
Marriage/Sincerity/Motivation/Teamwork/Transparency



B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?
I will let my beliefs guide me when making decisions or choices in my life from now on. I will not my emotions to be my reactions in situations. I will continue with personal growth and self actualization, gaining my strength in myself to help along my path. I will continue to be open minded and treat every crisis with compassion and empathy. I will be respectful to my self and to others. I will always be thruthful and honest and will no longer accept anything less from my partner. I will always trust in myself and my gut feelings. I will no longer be gullable and manipulated.

Exercise Seventeen
A) In Stage Two; Lesson One, you created proactive action plans for three values to help you begin the process of stabilizing your life. You now need to expand this to the remaining values listed in Exercise Sixteen.
B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.
C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those remaining values.
D) List the 'next two or three steps' you will take to begin strengthening each value. Note: you will not be expected to begin taking all of these steps. The goal here is to gain clarity in what steps to take and to have a plan of action ready for times when you have either lost focus or have some extra energy.
Compassionate/Caring/Empathy
Allow myself to feel campaaionate towards myself, along with empathy, and caring for my mental and emotional self, during those times when I start to feel down on myself.
Allow myself to see others pain through compassionate and empathtic eyes.
Remember to care about and for myself.
Remember to care about others.
Accountability/Responsibility
I will continue to hold myself responsible and accountable for my own actions towards my H. I hope that by seeing me displaying these values will support H in continuing to do the same for his actions
Honesty/Truth/Truthfulness /Integrity/Trust/Trustworthiness
Feel that you keep your integrity by being honest, truthful and trustworthy. I
Love/Loyalty
Respectful/Self respect
Safety/Secure/Stability
Openness/in listening to others with an open mind/communication with others, and accepting of others, non judgemental
Pride
Fulfillment
Generosity/Appreciation
Ability to be forgiving
Affection/Closeness/Passion/Sensuality
Emotional balance/Continuation of Personal Progress/Self Actualization/Strength
Beliefs
Choice
Friendship with H/Continuing growth together
Marriage/Sincerity/Motivation/Teamwork/Transparency


Still trying to work and the other parts.

Exercise Eighteen
A. Provide an example of a value collision in your own life. How did you handle it? What resulted from this collision (e.g. compromise, resentment, suspension of the issue, etc.)?
B. What current values do you hold where conflicts can be likely anticipated? (Use your history in relationships as a reference)
C. What values, if any, are you unwilling to compromise under any circumstances? Give a thoughtful response, not a prideful one.

For the last 3 years knowing that my H was lying, cheating, deceiving me, and disrespecting me goes against many values that I had. Honesty first and foremost. I just buried my head in the sand and sbhut down because there was just too much going on to handle it. But I in effect allowed it. Thats hard for me to accept.

None really.

Same as I said before, I allowed this to continue. I never put my well bein g first.

Exercise Nineteen

A. Make a list of rules that you can use to help define the boundaries of your most important values. Like goals, each rule should be specific and measurable

Value – Honesty and Integrity
Rule #1 I will always tell my H the truth.
Rule #2 An omission or partial truth is not honesty.
Rule #3 Assuming the other person knows, is not being honest.
Rule #) When I have been dishonest or untruthful even of the smallest detail, my H has the right to assume that I am being dishonest about it all.
Rule #5 If I am dishonest about something, I will accept responsibility for my actions and choices.
Rule #6 I will also expect from my H that if he is dishonest about something to take full responsibility for his actions and choices.
Rule #7 I expect to have my choices given back to me. I mean I will no longer accept my decision in which way to react taken from me. I have the decision to make any choice that I choose to make. It will be mine as will the consequences of said choices.

Value - Respect
Rule #1 I will always respect myself.
Rue #2 I will respect my instincts.
Rule #3 I will respect my values and not allow myself to be the victim anymore.
Rule #4 I expect to be respected by my H on all levels.
Rule #5 I will treat my H with respect.
Rule #6 I will be respectful of H emotions.
Rule #7 I will be respectful of H opinions even if they are different from mine.
Rule #8 I will be respectful of my opinions, even when they differ from H.
Rule #9 I expect H to respect my opinions even if they differ from his.



Value - Compassionate/Caring/Empathy
Rule #1 I will feel and show compassion and empathy for myself.
Rule #2 I will feel compassion and empathy towards my H.
Rule #3 I expect for my H to learn how to feel compassion and empathy for myself and my emotions.
Rule #4 I will treat my H with dignity.
Rule #5 I expect to be treated with dignity.

Value – Loyalty and faithfulness
Rule #1 I expect my H to be faithful.
Rule #2 I will remain faithful and loyal to my H.
Rule #3 I expect at this time for there to be no Porn allowed in our lives. I know there is a healthy place for it but the time is just not now and maybe never.
Rule #4 As for the M, again I know there is a healthy balance that is not addictive, but At this particular time in my life, it just isn’t acceptable.
Rule #5 I expect my H to not make crude comments towards me or about any other female while in my presence.

Value - Fulfillment/Joy
Rule #1 I will allow myself to sit down daily and either read a book for an hour a day or relax and listen to music for an hour a day.
Rule #2 I will walk at least a mile every day.
Rule #3 I will go for bike rides daily with H.
Rule #4 I will spend time with friends and family.
Rule #5 I will continue building a new a better relationship with each of my children.
Rule #6 I will allow time daily just for myself to do absolutely nothing if I so choose.
Rule #7 I will continue rebuilding my friendship with my H.
Rule #8 I will be open minded about anything and everything in life, I will be non-judgmental of myself and others.
Rule #9 I will take the necessary time for myself to heal and to continue growing and learning.






B. Describe a scenario from your past where not having a well-defined set of boundaries has prolonged and/or intensified the personal consequences that you have experienced.

When I continued to allow my H to lie, deceive, disrespect, and be unfaithful to me.

C. Describe a potentially realistic event in your life where having mastered the use of boundaries will assist you in managing the event in such a way as to protect your value system.

My H continuing to make his choices with a selfish attitude.

Stage Three; Lesson Eight

Exercise Twenty-One
1. List five of the most likely major boundary violations that you will face over the next year. How will you recognize them as they are occurring? How will you respond to them if they happened tomorrow?
Honesty – I believe that there is still more information than I have been given that will eventually come out as he’s ready. Try to take it all in and process it, give my H support, be non-judgmental and try to not let it set me back too far.
Balance – I believe there may be problems with his promise in regards to his recovery. We signed a contract and 1 thing in there was H dedicated approximately the same amount of time per week to his recovery as he dedicated to P/M. I can see if he is working on the exercises and going to therapy. I try not to say much, I try to let him focus and be responsible for that and not me.
Sex – H pushing me selfishly to have sex again before I am ready. That’s pretty obvious, and I will hold my ground on my sexual boundary.
Trust – I don’t think that I will ever trust H in the same way as I did before D-Day. This one is going to take a long time and a lot of work.
Patience – I think H expects me to be over it as quickly as he seems to think that he is, and move forward with our lives. Just keep doing the exercises on RN and going to therapy.
2. List five minor boundary violations that you will likely face over the next month. Write out how you will likely respond to each.
The same as above I think.

3. Over the past six months, you have no doubt violated the boundaries of others (innocently or otherwise). List a few of these and share whether or not you were aware that you were violating their boundaries at the time.
I have lied and distorted the facts and realities of my life for many years now.

Partner's Workshop: Stage Three; Lesson Eleven


Exercise Twenty-Four
To regain balance, you must regain a perception of control over your life. A difficult task indeed while mired in the addiction of another. One of the most powerful ways of regaining control is to have a clear, realistic notion of what options are available to you.
A. List three or more relationship options that remain available to you.

1) Commit to the relationship and support my H during his recovery.
2) Ask for a separation – still leaving the option for recommitting to the relationship when we are both in healthier places, and still supporting my H recovery.
3) Ask for a divorce – give up on the relationship, but continue supporting my H recovery.

B. For each option, consider all of the benefits that that option would produce. List them.


I am committed to this relationship and to my H.

C. What obstacles do you see as being the most problematic for each option listed above? Are these obstacles that can be overcome? How?

Just working on ourselves individually.

D. Select the one option from exercise A that you feel yourself leaning towards (or have already selected). Why do you think this is/might be the best option for you? What would be your second option?

I am committed to making my marriage better.



E. What options do you believe are realistically available to your partner? Which do you think he/she would choose?
The same