Recovery Nation

Lesson 1
I became involved with a longtime friend (of 40 years) who sought my friendship, insight, energy, intelligence, stability, philosophical outlook, and companionship. Our connection runs deep. He lives in another city, we'd speak on the phone about a wide variety of subjects while he was breaking up with his girlfriend of 6 years. He became involved in an affair with this woman while still married, he eventually separated from his wife, and then moved in with the girlfriend and her two children. It took him over five years to get divorced from his wife of 30 years. When I realized that he was not breaking up with his girlfriend, I respected his efforts to work it out and we stopped talking. Several months later his wife and I renewed our longstanding friendship; after six years, she continues to be stuck, obsessing about him, still loving him but hating him for "ruining her life".

I told my friend (my high school sweetheart 40 years ago) that I would not consider being involved with him until he divorced his wife, broke up with his girlfriend and moved out of her home. Eventually he divorced and broke up with his girlfriend. We have always connected on many levels and ultimately we become involved.

For many reasons, mostly because it was new, undefined, and we were "seeing where things would go", I did not choose to share this with his ex-wife. Within days of reconnecting, she found out from his ex-girlfriend that we had seen each other and she understandably felt betrayed by me and cut off her friendship with me. Clearly, I was not ready to share this with her nor invite her energy into this new situation. I don't feel that I was hiding anything, I simply was not ready to share it with her. I sought therapy to discuss my feelings, and my therapist concluded: The ex-wife is stuck in her attachment; my partner is divorced from her and he broke up with his girlfriend; my partner and I have connected on many levels; and, until my partner and I decided that the time was appropriate would we share things with her. My therapist also correctly advised me that I would run the risk of the ex-wife feeling that I had betrayed our friendship by not sharing this information with her.

We flew out to see each other three times, every two weeks. After the last time we saw each other, which was fabulous on all levels, I learned that he was sleeping with his yoga partner. He didn't want to hide it, but he reported that his relationship with me was "too good to be true", he was testing himself, and since he had been in two monogamous relationships since college, he felt a need to "sow his oats". A few weeks after that, I learned from his ex-girlfriend that he was also sleeping with her; she knew that we had started seeing each other but she really blew up when she learned that he was also sleeping with his yoga partner. I was sick, shocked, angry, confused, and depressed. He still claims his love for me, has sought professional help, and has decided not to see anyone for one month.

On the one hand I'm delighted that he is seeking help to work through his adjustments to being single and disengaging from his ex-girlfriend, and that he is aware that he has not been behaving considerately nor rationally. On the other hand I am confused and I ask myself several questions:
- Does this behavior constitute sex and love addiction? Though he has just started therapy, he reports that his therapist does not think so, that this behavior is not uncommon in his situation.
- I am working on dealing with my feelings but how can I build a position of being less vulnerable? My gut tells me that he will be back after a month; he declares that I am the one he loves. I want to do my own internal work during this period to gain a healthy perspective on what happened and when and how to find a place for compassion, forgiveness and trust.
- I look forward to participating in the rest of the workshops for partners.


Lesson 2:

I see myself writing down my goals:
1- As a mother. Launching my daughter off to college with confidence, enthusiasm for her future, adjustments to being away from home and gaining her independence. Finding scholarship funds, financial aid, and organizing my finances so that she and I can lessen financial burdens. Continuing to provide a welcoming home to her high school friends, and celebrating her graduation.

2- Finding stable work that nourishes my mission in life: To make a difference in this world through my work, forming powerful teams that are high performing, through my experience in international nutrition and leadership.

3- Gaining firmer control over my assets, my home, my finances, and how to structure them in order to maximize my financial potential now and as I grow old.

4- Nourishing my long-time friendships and making new friends who share commonalities that add health and happiness to my life.

5- Take care of myself. Continue my exercise, continue to eat well, keep my current weight, dress nice and feel nice starting from the first thing in the morning.

I see myself creating a mind-map of these goals, writing down my daily tasks so that each and everyday I move towards them.

I see myself continuing with this lecture series to anchor me, to aid in deflecting unhealthy thoughts and concerns of whether or not my partner takes his recovery seriously. I see serenity in leaving his recovery up to him and the powers of the universe; it is not up to me and I see that it is not in my control. I see making my life plans and goals independent of him. I see keeping my eyes wide open, aware of the signs of whether or not his recovery is authentic and when and if it might be healthy for me. I see myself feeling assured by the fact that if our visions and our authenticity of those visions are shared, we will reconnect. If not, I see how much better I am without him in my life. I see myself not fearing loosing him, especially if that entails sacrificing my health, happiness, daily stability, and my future.

I see myself living a rich, healthy, and happy life.


Lesson 3:
A) There are three other women involved who he complains about: The crazy lady, the non-monogamous crap lady, and the control lady, and there is me… who he calls the sane lady (yet I strive for and struggle with leading a healthy life for myself). My gut says that my partner is stuck in his relationship with all four of us and he is confused about who he is, what kind of life he wishes for himself, and where he wishes to be in life. My gut knew that letting go of all of us, and “draining the swamp”, would be more consistent with a path to recovery and health.

B) My head/heart knew that there is something very compelling for him to string all of us along, and I allowed my head/heart to override my gut by allowing him to string me along as well. I allowed my head/heart to override my gut when he moved out of crazy lady’s house, as a deceptive guise to “breaking up with her”, only to find a comfortable place more conducive to keeping us all on the hook and leading four separate lives. I allowed my head/heart to override my gut when he claimed that doing yoga in his bedroom with his new yoga partner was non-sexual. I allowed my head/heart to override my gut when he said that his relationship with his ex-wife was over.

C) My partner says that he had made a decision to not be involved with anyone for one month, and I believed him. He joined SLAA, is in therapy, but he sends me emails about all the reasons he needs and wants me, calls me on the phone, yet he continues his visits with his ex-girlfriend, crazy lady, (stating, how can he leave her innocent children, who he claims to love and care for so much, abandoned?), he is planning a visit with his ex-wife, control lady, and I believe that he continues his yoga routine with his new yoga partner, non-monogamous crap lady. My gut says that his motions of “recovery” are no more than a disguise to continue to keep all four of us on a string.

Hi Mirette,
Welcome to Recovery Nation. None of us ever expects to be here - that said the RN independent healing workshop provides a framework of sorts for you to hang your experiences on, step back and look at what you have been dealing with , educate yourself about the SA mindset and behaviors, and then determine the values, boundaries/consequences needed to make your vision a reality. It's very hard work and sometimes painful but well worth the empowerment, validation, and support you will receive here. I suggest that you find a healthy pace for doing the lessons, taking time to digest what you are discovering/learning to connect the dots - think of this as a continuum rather than isolated topics. Cherry picking really doesn't work.
. Yes. This kind of betrayal is traumatic. That he has sought professional help is a good first step but there's a long road ahead. One month of abstinence is a drop in the bucket. At this point, believe what he does, not what he says in terms of making a commitment to long term recovery or about anything else. Lying goes hand-in-hand with this kind of addiction and is an ingrained behavior that goes way back.
Great. This is the place to begin healing yourself and gaining insight into the SA mindset. However, regardless of the label given by the counselor/therapist or him, your healing path will be the same. Compassion is always a plus. Forgiveness came incrementally for me as I continued to see my H committed to a health based recovery and learning to how to show compassion for me. Trust has to be earned. For now learn to trust your gut.
You have made a good start on your vision. Think of it as an ever evolving roadmap for you to use as you go forward. Check in with it very so often to see how you are doing and if you need to refine it. I also recommend that you begin to calendar in activities in support of the different elements that you have set down in your vision. Your vision is a powerful tool to use each day, one day at a time. Use it well.

Regardless of how this is rationalized in his mind or seems to you, his behavior is not healthy. He will do or say whatever it takes to protect his addiction which is often made up a series of rituals. Don't try to make sense out of it. His skewed way of thinking, will validate his perceptions and choices until he develops anawareness and insights into himself and learns to manage his behavior in healthy ways.

In hindsight, would you have chosen to take this path if it was only you making the decision? I'm not sure what your relatlionship was/is with the wife, but I do know that sometimes our own values become skewed due to our indulging or accepting our SA's rationale as valid. Just throwing that out there as something to consider. Insights into ourselves is part of our healing journey.

Remember to use this thread to continue posting your lessons so they all stay in one place. Use the submit button below. If you have questions, need validation, want to share - the Community Forum is a wonderful resource. We all care, understand what you are going through, and are great listeners.

Give yourself the Gift of Patience as you go forward. Your process will be unique to you.

Nellie James