Recovery Nation

I am reposting my story here as I posted it in the wrong thread initially.

I discovered my husband has an internet porn/chat addiction 4 days ago. We have been married 14 years and have 2 daughters. My 10 year old has been sneaking extra computer time and when I caught her quickly clicking off the computer as I walked in the room I decided to check it out. There were some unfamiliar webpages visited that day. I called my husband to ask him if any were his and he admitted he has been viewing/chatting on porn sites for several years now. (Fortunately my daughters sites were completely innocent.) My husband even admitted to viewing it when he was home alone with my 2 year old in the room (saying he turns the screen so she can't see.) To add to the hurt, this began when we were trying to have a 2nd child. I went through a period of multiple miscarriages (5 total). My hormones were constantly up and down from the pregnancies, and the feelings of loss. My husband wanted to keep trying to have another child, but I was constantly fearful I would become pregnant and have another miscarriage. During this time I did not find sex very fulfilling, there was never much romance or foreplay when we did have sex so it was not as meaningful for me. He seemed to be understanding of this, and I thought he was dealing with the loss in his own way and that things would get better eventually. After we did have a 2nd child, I went back on birth control and sex seemed to improve a little, but his disconnection from our family seemed to be growing. He started helping a female friend of mine begin a excercise routine and they began working out regularly together. When my husband left our family vacation to drive 2 hours each way to workout with her I asked them to stop. They maintain there was never anything physical, but their friendship did become too close. My trust for him was destroyed when they did not stop. He set up secret meetings, then continued calling/chatting with her. It took 5 months of both of them telling me they didn't see anything wrong with their friendship and making me feel like I was the problem before it finally came to an end. I lost a friend over his actions. He seemed to want to improve our marriage and the past 3 months seemed to be going very well until this new revelation. I am numb to think he has been living this other life. He blames my lack of interest in sex for his initial "curiousity". I believe I am mostly to blame for that problem, but not for his choice in how he handled it. It is very hard for me not to feel responsible though. He never talked to me about his problems, or tried to find for help for us. He chose self gratification over our marriage. He does not completely accept the term "addicted", and refuses to get professional help or talk with anyone. He has appologized to me and told me how ashamed he is of it. He stated he has tried several times, but can't seem to quit. He says now that I know, it will be easier for him to stop. On a good note, he asked me to put filters on the computer so he cannot access the websites and to not give him the password. His biggest fear is that no one else find out - he refuses to let me go to our pastor for counseling. I can't talk to anyone or he will get angry. I have been furiously trying to educate myself on what to do now. I am not convinced he doesn't need outside counseling. I have ordered some books for him to read about internet pornography and recovery - he did thank me for that. (though they haven't arrived yet.) I have told him this does not change how much I love him. I am just so very hurt now and need to focus on what we do next. I admit it's hard to want to just get out of bed each day right now.

It makes me happy knowing I can give back to others. I love the pay it forward concept. I am looking for opportunites in my community where I can give back.
I want to be able to show my daughters how to be happy in life. I continue to take them to new places and give them new experiences. I have introduced them to things I enjoy - such as snow skiing, ice skating, baking, reading, puzzles, music. I am taking time to enjoy these things for myself again - I am usually on the sidelines - watching my oldest daughter, and often my husband, enjoy themselves, as I sit it out with my 2 year old - I will hire a babysitter if needed in order to be able to participate again.
I have started jogging again and plan to train for a half-marathon this year. (then perhaps a marathon in the future.) I will continue to grow stronger physically and mentally as I regain an exercise routine.
I am starting to have a family spiritual growth time. I would like to plan a special evening each week and make it fun for the family. I want my family to feel God's love in their lives in a special way.
I am cultivating my friendships - with my friends and family, (husband included) better. I will send notes/emails, make calls, and plan activities with others more often.

Situations where my heart over-rode my gut instincts:
1. Our computer appeared to have a virus - showing ads for porn on our msn home page. I was alarmed, and had to ban my daughter from using the computer for awhile as they would pop-up quite frequently. I spent hours trying to scan for some obscure virus to rid our computer of this filth and make it safe for our kids to use again. (In hind-sight, I wish I had known about family safety monitoring at that time.)
2. Though my husband claimed he wanted to have sex more frequently, he pushed me away unless he initiated it - but complained that I was never in the mood when he did (usually very late at night when I was exhausted, or in the morning - but not early enough before the kids were awake.)
3. He started deleting all the internet history on the computer we share - this became more & more frequent, so I began to wonder why he was doing this since I would then have to reset all my saved information on the computer.

My husband has just begun to read about sexual addiction because I gave him 2 books. He says he is sorry, and has stopped watching internet porn, but has not shown any initiative on his own to fix the underlying cause - still telling me it wasn't real, just fantasy to him. My gut tells me that unless he acknowledges that he has a problem he needs to fix, he will most likely continue to hide things from me.

Dear iwantmylifeback,

Welcome to RN. I am sorry that you have had to join us, but here you will find the support and information that will help you reclaim your life. You have done an excellent job on the exercises so far.

This is a very normal reaction that most partners here have experienced.

You are absolutely NOT to blame. His “curiosity” is based on emotional immaturity and an absence of the sexual and marital values he most likely led you to believe he had. You will come to understand this more fully as you work the lessons and exercises, but in the mean time, please go look in the mirror and remind yourself that YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

Yes – this is really the underlying truth here.

Most people with porn addictions are very reluctant to accept the term. They are more inclined at first to only recognize that their behavior is a problem for the relationship. That’s a good starting point, but recovery will stall if they don’t move beyond that. Although you cannot make him get help and you can’t even make him want to get help, you can let him know that his past behavior has created problems that won’t go away by themselves and that you would like him to take some initiative addressing this. It is “normal” but most unfortunate that most spouses respond to discovery by convincing themselves that if they say “sorry” and are “good” from now on, it will all go away, once you’ve had time to “get over it”. This is simply not the case.

This is extremely selfish and controlling. He is more concerned about protecting himself and the image he wants to project than he is about your fears or anger. You have the right to seek counsel and support, in the wake of trauma and betrayal.

This is a very normal reaction. As you continue on your healing journal, this feeling will come and go. Some days, its all you can do just to put one foot in front of the other. Other days you find the strength to pursue Joy in whatever activities and interactions provide that for you. And on some days, you still need to just have a big cry, go to bed and try again later. It is good to develop an arsenal of things that you can do for yourself to make you feel the way you want to feel (hugging children, indulging in a spa treatment, gardening, music, running, prayer etc.)

Great work on your vision! I like the way you incorporate very specific activities that reflect your values. It is very helpful to think of your vision as a living document, that you continue to refine, as you regain more stability and a sense of your own purpose. It is also helpful to reword these statements in the present tense, rather than in the future. For example:

I look for opportunities in my community where I can give back.
I show my daughters how to be happy in life by …
I plan activities and set aside time for family spiritual growth …

Now that you reread this, do you see that it is not fair or correct to blame yourself?


Abstinence is NOT recovery. Apologizing and quitting are only a small first step.

You will learn to trust your gut more and more as you work the exercises.

Keep working the exercises, and posting your responses in this thread. Every once in a while a coach or a mentor will post some feed back for you, but for the most part the workshop is self-directed. If you have specific questions, or want more feedback from other partners, you may want to post in the Partners Support Forum.

Minerva

Thank you for your feedback.
Though I mentally know I am not to blame, I can't help but feel like it was something I did, or did not, do that led him to this hidden life. I will take your words to heart as a re-inforcement that I cannot accept any blame for this.
I am going to speak with him about wanting him to take the initiative to get help, though I thought I would give him some time to read the books I got him first - hoping he will gain some insights that will apply to his situation and see for himself that he needs to do more then just abstinence.
I have a lot of things to work on. My kids are what get me out of bed each day and keep me smiling when my heart is hurting.
Thanks again.

1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process.

1. Good Dad.
2. Peacemaker.
3. Health & fitness oriented.
4. Loyal to friends & family. (though this is hard for me to separate right now)
5. Adventurous, fun-loving.



2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

1. Peacemaker - won't speak up when he is unhappy with something until it reaches a climax, and then it is harder to deal with. Doesn't want to be the "bad guy" with the kids and seldom disciplines kindly. (he waits too long, then reacts a bit harsh). Waits for me to enforce bedtime's with them, even when he knows it's late and they should be in bed.
2. Somewhat lazy - mostly around the house but also somewhat in his job. He is comfortable sitting back watching others do the chores. He seldom does any chores unless they benefit him directly, and then only the minimum. (ex. the trash beside his computer is overflowing, he will eventually empty it. The kitchen trash is overflowing, he might tie it closed and set it on the back porch for me to take out later, but seldom puts a new bag in the trashcan.) At work if he is unhappy with the staff, he will tell me about it and want me to talk to them about the problem.
3. His inability to put my feelings or needs before his mom/dad's or even friends. He is quick to notice if someone else gets left out in any way (a good trait), but if it's me, he won't speak up for me. examples are numerous on this one.

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

My stress management:
1. Running/excercise.
2. Keep busy with work or the kids.
3. Play the piano.
4. Soak in the tub.
5. A trip to the park, zoo, any place I can be outside.

I have been emotionally overwhelmed when I was not getting enough sleep with my newborn. This led to me directing my frustrations on my husband (mostly for not stepping up to help). I was also emotionally overwhelmed when I discovered my H's continued "friendship" with my friend. In this case I began running to escape the stress.

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

This is a hard one - I can't think of any at the moment and will have to revisit this later.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

He would very likely turn more to sports & excercise to regulate his stress. When unable to do that, he would probably turn to searching the internet for information or entertainment.

Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.
Recently he has been wanting to "know all the latest gossip" from all my friends. Needing their approval and acting differently to call attention to himself. Ex. a friend (someone he has grown too close to) hurt her foot, I told him about it after I saw her. When he saw her the following week, his jaw dropped and he emphatically asked her "what happened to your foot", when she didn't respond immediately he repeated this until he got her attention. He acted as though he knew nothing about it, lavishing her with his attention. Yes, this may sound like the typically macho male persona, but it's not the person I married nearly 15 years ago - that person would not have pretended not to know anything, would not have needed another woman's attention so deparately.


C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?
The objectified mind: "mind that disassociates the person from the action. When they view porn for instance, they are not viewing a real person, but merely a stimulus that can be used for their own personal gratification." This appears to be the most prominant area I have observed. My husband continues to state that none of this is "real", just fantasy - and does not acknowledge that the chatting/internet porn is in fact with real people.

The need for immediate gratification: My husband made the choice to leave our family vacation to meet with someone after I asked him not to - knowing I would be very upset, he chose to go anyway, causing terrible turmoil for us afterward. He has chosen not to participate in some family activities, leaving me to take the kids alone, while I later learned he was home viewing internet porn.

A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:


I. Effective communication: I am the only person my husband will talk to about this right now. I have been doing a lot of listening, trying not to be negative too much, trying to balance the negative with some positive's about him. (ex. telling him he is becoming a better dad now that he is trying more to be involved with our family.)
I continue to encourage him to talk with a counselor, pastor, or friend also. (He does not think he needs this - and it will tarnish his image.)

II. Managing your partner's recovery : I bought 2 books for him to read, and gave him info. on this website. I am trying to leave the rest up to him - even telling him that I don't want to be responsible if he fails at recovery, so I believe he needs to get professional help to take that responsibility off of me. He is still insisting he can recover himself - with my help.

III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health : I am encouraging him to pursue other interest he has been neglecting some. Training for a sprint triathlon, taking weekend trips together, planning "date-nights" to help us reconnect.

B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?
To date, the only ones that know are my husband and myself - the only resources are books and the internet. I am considering talking to someone, but not sure who yet. I don't really want to burden anyone with my problems - my 2 closest friends know my husband & I have been having problems since last summer, but only know it involved someone else - they know nothing of the pornography and sex-chats. I am a little afraid people may think "that's what all men do", or that I somehow am to blame for his wandering. He is soo good at showing others his perfect image. With me, I am much more honest and upfront with everyone, so sometimes I may say something someone doesn't want to hear.


C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?
I am going to be more vocal when I notice problems, not waiting until problems grow bigger then they might have. I will also be more vocal when I see him contributing in positive ways, giving him more praise for little things we take for granted in life. I am going to make an effort to spend more time with just the 2 of us (which is hard with 2 young children).

A. Considering only objective signs of a healthy recovery/unhealthy recovery, what path do you think your partner is on? If on an unhealthy path, do you think this is due more to lack of insight about how to change, a lack of energy/motivation to change or a lack of desire to want to change?

Unhealthy path - This is because he still insists on hiding this from everyone else and thinks that abstinance is all he needs to do in his recovery. I am hoping this is due to lack of insight about addiction in general and that he will change as he learns more about it. But that brings me to lack of motivation - he is not very self-motivated in anything unless it is something he enjoys. He is quite happy for others to to the leg-work involved for him (ex: he may want to take a week-end getaway trip, but it won't happen unless I plan it for us.) So, I am afraid this lack-of-motivation, or ambition, will incumber his recovery.

B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?

1. His apparent lack of motivation to do any recovery work past abstinance. He still thinks that's all it takes.
2. I would like to see a concerted effort to improve communication to a deeper level. He still needs to get past talking mostly about day-to-day, superficial things.
3. I would like him to be accountable to someone else in his recovery (besides me).

A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?

He apologized and requested I put controls on the computers.
He began reading a book I bought for him.
He recently acknowledged (after reading the book), that I may need to talk with someone to recover from this - though he is worried about who I will talk with.
He is trying to become more involved in family activities.

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?

He has not admitted he has an addition. He insists he can control it with my help and refuses to talk with anyone else, friend or professional.
He does not initiate communication about his own feelings or needs with me, or anyone else. Continuing to internalize things worries me.

C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?
I have told him I can see positive changes in his relationship with our daughters.
I have told him my concerns with him using me as his sole support - telling him that if he/we fail at recovery it will make me feel some of the responsibility, and that I don't want that responsibility for his recovery - or if he doesn't recover, for the failure and possible end of our marriage. He listened, but still thinks what he has done by stopping it (abstinance) is a huge step to recovery and doesn't need outside help.

1. I am starting to have a family spiritual growth time. I would like to plan a special evening each week and make it fun for the family. I want my family to feel God's love in their lives in a special way.
Currently I have not taken enough time to develop this properly. I have great one-on-one time with my youngest, but my older daughter is the challenge for me.
Since the age difference is 7 yrs - it has been difficult to engage them both together. I am researching books and ideas that are more creative and will make a list in the next 24 hours to choose from each week. Once I get it started, I hope my kids input will help guide me on things we could add to it.

2. I am cultivating my friendships - with my friends and family, (husband included) better. I will send notes/emails, make calls, and plan activities with others more often.
I am making an effort to phone my friends more frequently - just to say hello. I try to call my husband daily also. I have sent or left him notes with little I love you's or I'm thinking of you reminders. I have tried to plan activities with others, but need to work harder at this - with limited time's available it hasn't always worked out. I bought a book of ideas of things to do with my husband - I plan to use this list and pick something each day to do for him to build our relationship up.

3. I want to be able to show my daughters how to be happy in life.
I am continuing to remind them that happiness is a choice and not to dwell on the negative aspects of life. Dancing to the music when it's time to clean up helps.
Lately I feel like I have to continue to remind myself of this also though. I will strengthen this by putting time aside for myself every day and refocusing my thoughts on the positive's in my life (like my kids).

A. Write a letter to your partner, expressing all of the emotions that you have experienced as a result of their addiction. This is not intended to be a letter that he/she will read, but rather, a letter representing your most intense feelings.

Dear XXXX,
I am writing this letter to you in hopes that you will fully understand how your life decisions have impacted mine.
When we were married, we seemed perfectly suited for each other - truely partners in life together. I believed we had similar values and goals for our lives. Even when we went through some difficult times, with my miscarriages, then with a new baby and the limitations and changes in lifestyle that came with it, I never doubted that we would be there for each other in the end.
My world was shattered when I realized you had directed your energy to connect with someone else. And when I watched you choose that relationship over ours time after time, deliberately hiding it from me, intentionally leading me to believe you had stopped it - I became an emotional wreck. Never in a million years would I have dreamed you could so easily decieve me, with so little regard for my feelings, or the consequences it would have in our marriage. I would rather be punched in the stomach than to feel this kind of pain in my life - this pain doesn't seem to have an end. I took the blame for that relationship - from you both. I defended you to my friends, only to later discover I was the one being decieved. I resent the perfect image everyone sees in you - even my parents. I want to shout to them that it is all a facade, you are not the person you portray yourself to be. I value honesty, and even now, after I have discovered your secrets, you are still protecting your image. My trust in you, in us, has disappeared. I don't know when I will get that back. I want to believe that you will change, you will not just stop, but you will change from the inside. My gut tells me that you won't, that I can never believe what you tell me as long as you continue to put your image before your recovery effort. Each new revelation feels like a knife, re-opening my wounds. Every time you talk of running a 5K or triathlon with someone, even when it's not with her, it triggers an emotional response inside of my heart. Every time you stay up late, I wonder if you are emailing someone, chatting, or watching something on TV to arouse yourself again. I wake up nearly every night, thinking of what I missed, what I could have done differently, and what I should do now. I cry for no apparent reason - only that my heart is hurting and I have no one to lean on. I am so angry and it has been soo unhealthy for me. I lost over 10 pounds because eating made me nauseas. The stress level on me is nearly more then I can bear. I want to leave, but I know in my head that wouldn't solve anything long term. So, I am staying, putting on a brave face for my children, and am determined to work through this with you. I feel like a scared child myself now. I feel very second-rate in your life. I feel disgusted that your values could be so far from mine. That you could be so heavily involved in porn/sex chat and not see it as affecting anyone but yourself. I don't understand how I never saw the depth of your immaturity and selfishness. I am soo sad inside, so empty feeling that I have begun to create walls to shield me from feeling any more hurt, yet I do feel hurt, I feel it every day.




B. Upon completion of your personal letter, it will be your task to write one more. This one, a letter from your partner to you. In this letter, take some time to think about what it is you would say, "if you were them". How would you apologize? How would you offer reassurance? How would you explain the behavior?

Dear xxx,
I know these words aren't enough, but I am truely sorry for everything I have done. I let my selfish desires control my life to the point where I couldn't see right from wrong anymore. I know I neglected you and our family. I know I wasn't there for you during your pregnancy losses the way you needed me. I know I should have seen how tired you were after our 2nd child's birth, and I should have helped you more. I should have seen how much you tried to make sure I could still participate in my own activities (soccer, biking, running, etc.), even when you never had any time for yourself. I should have looked for ways to help you through this, rather than taking the easy way for myself.
I know the only way to get us back on track is for me to change. I am going to go through a recovery program and I am going to talk with a professional about this. I am going to be accountable for my actions to someone else. I am going to actively look for ways to improve our relationship. Communicating even the little things to you, so you will be a part of my life in every way again. I realize I haven't been honest with you about my life. I am going to make honesty a priority, even if I don't know how you will react, even if it's the hard way, I know it's the right thing to do. I realize that my actions have created a huge disconnect over time. I am sorry I was quick to blame you when all the time I was living this secret life. I am going to pay attention to the little things more. I want you to feel like you are special again in my life, so I will tell you and show you that you are every day. I will give you the time you gave me, to be your own person again. I will plan activities for us and for our family to do together, instead of waiting for you to do it. I will be an active participant again in our lives.
I want you to know I am sincere. I will stop pretending things are perfect, and accept that we all make mistakes. I will apologize and explain things to my family, taking full responsibility for what I have done to you, to us. I want them to see you the way I see you, I don't want you to take the blame any longer.
I see what I have lost, and I want it back. This will take time, and patience, but there is nothing more important to me.
I love you with all my heart,
XXXX

A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

I believe I am still in the disorientation stage, though some of the more extreme responses have lessened. Sometimes I am overcome by my feelings and I still question whether he is continuing to hide things from me. I still question his sincerity (mostly because he still refuses to get outside help, continues to want to do this on his own, continues to protect his image first.)


B. Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.

I expect that I will always be hypersensitive to certain situations - when my husband flirts with other women, when he stays up late after I've gone to bed, when he doesn't join us in a family outing. I will have to be mentally prepared on how to react (or not react) to these times.
Any time I notice him becoming distant, I will probably need to make an extra effort not to jump to conclusions, and to communicate better with him.

A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..

1. Lost trust.
2. Reduced self esteem.
3. Isolated from friends at times.
4. Lost friends.
5. I put my own ambitions aside, trying to make things easier for him in work, social, and physical activities.
6. Reluctance to participate in activities I know he's not interested in.
7. Strong desire to make sure my daughters never have to experience this.