Recovery Nation

A. Because the discovery of your partner's addiction will no doubt reflect many commonalities with others, it is at the same time uniquely devastating to you. Take some time to share your background in relation to the discovery of your partner's sexual and/or romantic compulsions/addiction. Share an unadulterated version of your partner's addiction with someone you trust; or, anonymously in this forum.

Exercise one

When my husband and I were dating, he told me porn had been a problem in his first marriage. His first wife didn’t like it, said it made her feel cheap. I’m not sure what other conversations transpired between them about it, but I assumed she wanted him to stop and he ultimately did. I don’t know why I assumed this. His first wife left him for another man after ten years of marriage.

A few weeks before we were married, my husband was moving into the house we had bought to live in. I was helping him pack up his apartment and notice a telephone bill that was for $400.00. That’s a significant bill now but this was in 1992. I looked at it when he was upstairs. There were numerous 900 number calls – calls to sex chat lines. I was stunned. I could not imagine why he needed to talk with some other woman. I thought we had a great sex life. I was crushed.

I put the bill back and tried to pull myself together. I think he could tell something was wrong and seemed to guess what had happened. A little while later, he said he had something to tell me. He confessed to calling the 900 numbers. I asked him if it was a problem and he said no. I asked him to stop and he waffled. I finally asked him if he had control over it enough to stop. That seemed to jerk him out of it and he agreed to stop.

We got married as planned.

A few years later (not sure what year but probably early 2000s), I poked around on the computer and was surprised to find hundreds of porn videos downloaded. I was stunned and hurt but kept my mouth shut.

I’d struggled with my sexual desire for my husband ever since finding out about the 900 number calls over ten years earlier. Other than when I was pregnant, we did not have a good sex life at all, due to my lack of desire, and I didn’t feel like I could complain about him watching porn. Nevertheless, it made me want him even less. Every time we had sex, I felt used. It wasn’t a bonding experience. I felt like he took something from me for his own pleasure and I resented him after we had sex. He complained often about our “sexless” marriage.

Despite our sexual issues, I was generally happy. I was unable to have the close relationship with my husband that I wanted but I simply thought he wasn’t capable of a truly intimate relationship. We generally got along, I respected him, loved him, and liked him. He could always make me laugh.

On December 2, 2004, my husband told me he wanted a divorce. I begged him to stay and he agreed. I said I would have sex with him more often. We had sex that night. It was the worse sexual experience of my life. I felt forced, even though I agreed. We had not had sex in months, and every time he touched me, he would say, “I’m going to do __________ to you, can I do __________ to you?” I’d say “yes,” and felt like I was agreeing to my own rape. I felt sick afterward.

Nevertheless, we were soon having sex quite often. It was hyperbonding, and I was actually enjoying it. During this time, in January of 2005, my husband had sent me a sexy email and I had mistakenly deleted it. I went to the computer to try to find it. I did not have his email password but he left his email up but logged off. I could, somehow, see the emails that he had already read even without logging on. There were several emails to and from another woman. It was clear they had an inappropriate relationship. He had sent her Godiva chocolates. I had introduced him to Godiva’s when we were dating and they were something we shared romantically. The relationship seemed somewhat one sided, more him than her, but she did nothing to stop it. He asked her things like, “How is your soul?” Very intimate and personal things. He had never talked to me like that. Ever.

I confronted him with it and he said he would stop the relationship. He did. He volunteered that when he told her he couldn’t talk to her anymore, she supported out efforts stay together. Like I needed her permission to reconcile with my own husband after his emotional affair with her!

I was pretty sure from the emails that they had not had sex. She was an old college friend who lived 300 miles away, and they reconnected when they saw each other at a college alumni advisory board meeting. They were with another friend for the board meeting, so I don’t think they slept together then, either.

At the time, I didn’t know about emotional affairs. I viewed the incident as a near miss. My husband apologized and said it would never happen again. We totally swept it under the rug.

Nevertheless, I felt unwanted and unattractive. Our sex life fizzled again, but not nearly so bad as before. We continued to have sex, just less often. My goal was once a week. Sometimes I made it, sometimes not. Either way, it was not nearly enough for my husband.

In early 2010, things were bad. My husband was very withdrawn, didn’t ask for sex. That had never happened. I thought he was depressed due to some issues with his mother’s illness and increased responsibilities with her care.

On May 3, 2010, my husband asked for a divorce. I begged him to stay. I promised to be a better wife. He said he didn’t think I’d ever change but he’d think about it. He gave me very little hope. Finally, on July 7, 2010, he told me he was for sure leaving. He’d rented a one bedroom apartment and planned to move in on August 3-6, when I was to be at the beach with our son and some friends. We didn’t want our son to see him move out.

My husband decided the best day to tell our son about the divorce was July 25, 2010. We wanted him to have some time before school started to pull himself together. It was also our 18th wedding anniversary.

I knew our son, who had just turned 14, would fall apart. My parents had nearly divorced when I was 17 and it still hurts to remember how horrible and scary it was. I called the parents of three of his best friends to tell them what was happening. I figured he would run to one of those houses.

On July 25, 2010, my husband told our son. I watched his world collapse as my husband told him that it might come as a surprise to him because we never fought but “we” weren’t happy anymore and he was moving out. That was all my husband was able to say before our son ran out the door with only his phone. He went to one of the homes I had alerted and they contacted me to tell me he was safe. My husband told his adult daughter as well. She was very upset and came how from out of state the next day.

Two days later, my husband called me at work and asked to meet with me at our house. I did. He said he wanted to see a marriage counsel and try to make our marriage work. He couldn’t stand how hurt our son was. I tearfully agreed. I was so happy that he was giving me another chance.

Then came the bomb. He was “in love” with another woman. He’d ended it but thought I deserved to know. Unlike the first affair, he was having sex with this woman.

Along with that bomb, I found out he’d joined match.com and eharmony.com.

We started marriage counseling immediately. I was open about how much discovering the 900 number had hurt me (and the affairs, of course). My husband said he didn’t see anything wrong with watching porn but he’s stop since it hurt me.

We again had hyperbonding, which was a good thing, considering our sexual problems and the fact that he’d had sex with someone else. We had sex 2-5 times a week until December, 2011. I enjoyed it. But it was sex, not lovemaking. Probably half the time, we don’t even kiss. He has said some horrible things to me in bed that were degrading. I insisted he stop with the porn talk. It helps that he’s stopped.

I found out on December 28, 2011, he was using a web browser that hid his porn viewing. I told him to sleep in the basement until I decided whether it was time to divorce. It was at this point he decided he had a “compulsion” to watch porn but not an addiction. He joined here and so have I. He finally told his counselor that he was reading porn and hiding it from me. He posted here for a week but now hasn’t posted in over a month.

This is where we are now.

Hi notmylife,

I just wanted to stop in and welcome you to RN and let you know that you are not alone. I am so sorry for all of your pain and that you have had to join us, but this is a very healthy place full of support, wisdom and healing.

From reading your first lesson, it is so painfully clear that so much that you value has been violated and dishonored. As you work through the lessons, you will learn to discover what your values are and what you can do to strengthen and protect them. You will learn how to take care of yourself, and safeguard your emotional strength.

In the mean time, I can offer a few practical pointers.

* When you are ready to post to the next lesson, go into your healing thread and click on "Post a Reply"

* Always type your responses in a word processing document (saving often!) and then copy and paste them into your thread. Many of us have had the frustration of writing a great post and then losing it before we submitted it.

* Only coaches and mentors post on healing threads. If you want to ask questions, or need general support from other partners in healing, go to the Partners Community Support forum.

Take a few moments, daily, starting today to do something to nurture yourself. Maybe a bubble bath or a pedicure or yoga or get lost in a good book or go outside.

Welcome. You are not alone.
Minerva

Lesson Two

I. Take at least twenty minutes to be alone. If you have a family, ask them to respect this time that you are taking. Make sure that you leave your cell phone off. That the dog is fed. That there will be no distractions. Take a walk by yourself. Sit alone on the beach. Find somewhere secluded and then, think. Think about who you are, the life that you have led, and the life that you want to lead from this point forward. Think about your legacy as a wife, mom, sister, friend. Create a vision that represents the real you. The one that you will be reconnecting to on your path towards healing.

II. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better. Post this vision in your Healing Thread. There is no right or wrong to this vision...though it should be comprehensive enough for a stranger (in this case, me) to read it and have a pretty good idea as to what you value and the life that you want to live.

As these visions are reviewed, what we will be looking for is the following:

a) Is it practical or is it idealistic? Practical is what we are shooting for. Idealistic visions feel good, sound good...but they serve very little purpose. "I want to be more spiritual" is an example of something that would be included in an idealistic vision. "I see spirituality becoming a part of my every day routine. I see myself praying regularly and having a real connection to that prayer. I see myself taking some time out each week to just enjoy the essence of nature and life." is something you might see in a practical vision.

b) Is this vision capable of sustaining a healthy life? Are there enough values identified that have the potential to generate fulfillment. To counter instability. To drive decision-making. If you isolated your partner's recovery effort and considered it from both sides (he does recover; he doesn't recover), does the foundation of your vision remain intact? Is it capable of allowing you to manage your life in response to either reality?

Suggestion: Note the difference between the 'I want' and the 'I see' statements (in part a)--the first feels distant and slightly out of reach, the latter is a more empowering statement and feels attainable. Even better is the "I am" statement. It matters little whether or not you feel that 'you are' ...you are creating a vision that you will live into--so choose statements that will inspire you and keep you motivated. And obviously, what you include in your vision will also have a big impact on whether or not you will be, and continue to be, inspired and motivated--make sure you are choosing what you really see for your life, not what others want or expect of you. Your vision should be meaningful to you!


I am a Christian. I will resume going to church every Sunday that I am able. I will enroll and attend interesting small study groups when they are available.
I am a woman. I will eat better. I will exercise again. I will attend Jazzercise at least 2x per week. I will take walks when the weather permits at lunch. I will stay in touch with my friends and call them for lunch. I will make time for my friends. I will take time to read and relax each day. I will sleep 7 hours at night whenever possible.
I am a mother. I will talk with my son about his college plans, his life plans, and guide him where he still needs guidance. I will talk to him about sex, fidelity, love, honestly, and loyalty. I will teach him the things he still needs to know to go out into the world as an adult next year. I will show him how to use a can-opener and do his own laundry. I will remember to praise him for his efforts. I will talk with my step-daughter ever week.
I am a professional. I will take care of my clients. I will treat them with respect. I will return all business-related phone calls promptly.
I am a wife. I will learn to forgive. I will learn to not hold in resentment. I will learn that I cannot control what my husband does. I will learn that if/when my husband looks at porn, it is not because I am lacking. I will be kind to my husband. I will praise my husband for his efforts. I will remember to hug him. I will learn to love who he is, not who I thought he was.

And thanks for the welcome. It felt really good to have a response. Sorry I didn't respond sooner. I'm happy to find this site and feel like it's going to be helpful.

I really struggle with this assignment because I have always trusted my husband and was never suspicious. Really.

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

This one is hard for me. I never knew when he was having an affair. No gut feeling either time, whatsoever. I really trusted him.

I learned of the first by accident and he confessed the second one to me. Another time a friend suggested that he was having an affair and I laughed at her. He says he wasn’t that time, but who knows. Another time, a woman at church wrote an email to another church member suggesting that his motivation for sticking up for a woman at church (they both worked at the church and the one he stuck up for was confiding in my husband about a dispute) was suspect. I laughed at that as well. He says there was nothing going on then, either.

I never had a gut feeling he was having an affair. I have had feelings about the porn, though. Ever since I found out that my husband was calling 900 numbers in 1992, I knew there were “issues.” I thought he quit at that time. I still think he quit for awhile. I don’t known when he started again.


B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

1. I always felt that grabbing my body parts casually is disrespectful. I was made to feel like this was a problem I had, and that he had the right to touch me anytime and in any way he wanted. I allowed by head to override my gut feelings by telling myself that I was his wife and so he had the right to touch me when he wanted.

2. I always felt that talking to me in a sexually degrading manner is disrespectful. I’m not talking about talking dirty, that’s different, although I struggle with that now because his last affair partner did that for him. The things he likes to say are degrading. He says that make the sex more “exciting.” Not for me! I feel like this is part of the ‘porn sex” that he wants to have due to his addiction.

3. During his last affair, he planned to leave me. During that time, he also joined eharmony and match.com. Of course, I didn’t know that. During a conversation between us and a friend, online dating was mentioned and he said something about how much it cost to join. I wondered how he know but just chalked it up to something he must have read somewhere. I never thought he would really join dating services while we were married.


C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

Conflicts between what he says and what he does:

1. After he told me about his second affair, I felt like I was the one doing all of the work. Seemed like he was just coasting, doing the minimum to keep me from leaving. Turns out he was still using porn but had found a way to hide it.

2. After discovering he was still using porn but hiding it, he found this website and told me how great it was and how he was going to use this program. He did the first three lessons in one week and hasn’t posted again since the first week of 2012. I feel like he was only motived when I was talking about divorce. Now he’s too busy for RN.

I really can't see any reason to do this when my H hasn't posted in over two months.

Hi notmylife,

I am not sure whether you meant specifically the next lesson on "life after addiction and recovery" or if you meant the partner's workshop in general.

Either way, I understand how hurtful, maddening and frustrating it is to have your husband say he's going to do the workshop, and then just not do it. My husband started and stopped several times over the last 3 years, and I made mistake of holding back my healing, hoping that somehow he'd catch up to me. It's not until the last year, that I realized that the harder I tried to keep this gaping hole in my heart open so that he could work at his own pace to find his place there again, the more damage our relationship and my heart were suffering. Around about the time I realized I had to heal my heart myself, and start learning to close the gap, is about the time he got an inkling that he needed to start changing and growing, or we weren't gonna make it.

Either way, you have suffered a traumatic loss and you really need to give yourself the time and care to figure out how to put one foot in front of the other, until you feel strong and stable and healthy enough to make your vision a reality.

Whether or not your marriage recovers and heals, you owe it to yourself to ensure that you heal. Your wounds are very deep and very painful and very real. It is terribly sad that of all people, your husband is not currently capable of supporting you in the necessary fashion, right now. But I promise you, that if you continue with the workshop, you will gain clarity and stability ... you will become even more deeply grounded in your values, and learn to trust your gut and work towards your vision.

Go ahead and do the next lesson ... as life changes, you can always go back and update your response. But in the mean time ... just keep putting one foot in front of the other, and always keep your eye out for every opportunity to find a moment of Joy or a moment of Peace. You don't have to make any big decisions or new promises, until you are ready.

Minerva

Thanks Minerva. I really meant the next lesson. Mostly anyway. But here I am. Husband is back as well.

Lesson four:

1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

1. Competence, Skill and Achievement
2. Affection
3. Challenges
4. Intellectual status
5. Pleasure
6. Recognition and Respect
7. Romance
8. Community
9. Discovery
10. Global view
11. Perfection
12. Pleasure
13. Power
14. Rule of Law
15. Self-Reliance
16. Solving problems
17. Tolerance


2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.
For example: "He doesn't have a sensitive bone in his body and I don't expect this to change. The way he acts when he is around his friends. His laziness around the house." There is no reason to share these with your partner. They are only your best guess, as it is impossible to directly identify just how significant a transformation some people experience.

1. Self-centeredness
2. Inability to focus
3. Inability to organize
4. Inability to see beyond what he wants
5. Tendency to make decisions based on what feels good to him
6. Defensiveness
7. Poor time management
8. Tendency to shut out others

I am glad you are back, and also that your husband is back. Please take extra care that you do not hold back your healing, to preserve the connection between you and your husband, until he catches up. The obstacles you identified in the last lesson, are likely to be very real and powerful obstacles in his recovery.

Keep doing the lessons and do something kind and nurturing for yourself today!

Minerva

Exercise Five



I try very hard to avoid stress. I don’t leave things to be done at the last minute. I’m pretty organized. I say no to requests when I’m busy. As a result, I’m not often stressed. When I am stressed, I tend to avoid whatever the task is for a time but then throw myself into whatever needs to be done. Avoidance can be cleaning my house, surfing the internet, or shopping. I will also eat when I am stressed. Like many folks, I pray a lot more when things are not going well.

I’m not sure what it would take for me to act irrationally. I suppose all of the avoidance is irrational – if there’s something to be done, it makes no sense to avoid doing it and avoidance just prolongs the task and the stress. I guess finding out my husband was “in love” with another woman, and was planning to marry her had made me act in ways I never thought possible, and sometimes irrationally. I have obsessed over every thing about this woman, which is way more of my energy than she deserves. So that’s not rational.

I’m not sure what it would take now for me to be so totally overwhelmed. I know after my husband’s second affair when I found out that he was leaving me for her, I really shut down. I was unable to eat, could barely work, etc. I lost 18 pounds in about six weeks, and I was forcing down yogurt to keep from losing so much weight. I had to stop taking on new clients for several months because I just wasn’t sure I’d be able to get the work done properly, and I was unwilling to risk my professional license.

When I was much younger, I tended to have deep depressions when overwhelmed with family issues. Not so much anymore. They’re all dead or estranged.



When I learned who the woman was that my husband had fallen in love with, I compulsively researched her on the internet. It was easy as she was a popular person in her small town and she was often in the newspaper, etc. I still check all my sources on her at least every week or two.

I now believe that the extreme compulsive behavior at the beginning was to come to grips with what my husband had done- to convince myself that he had really betrayed me in such a horrific way. The anxiety I felt when he told me he wanted a divorce (before I knew he was having an affair) was extreme. I had not worked full time in ten years and did not have a job that would support me and my son. I was terrified that I would be broke. I was terrified that I’d be alone for the rest of my life. I was terrified that my son would be hurt. I felt like I had no way to protect and care for me or my son. By the time I learned of the affair, I’d been quite anxious for 3-4 months, and stressed about the decline of my marriage for a few months prior to that.

Had I not found out everything I could about the other woman, I’d have filled in the details with wild imaginings (I still do, on the things I don’t know.) I would have continued to feel like their relationship was a protected secret from me – like he was protecting her and not me by not answering my questions.

For me, anxiety is about a loss of control. My life wasn’t what I thought it was. My husband met another woman, wooed her, fell in love with her, had sex with her, talked to her 1-2 hours each day and I didn’t know she existed. My husband had been planning to divorce me for years once our son was out of the house but never bothered to tell me. I had no idea. I was making plans for retirement with a man who never planned to be around for it! My husband decided to end our marriage and became engaged to another woman without telling me. He decided to abandon my and our son and didn’t tell me.

I had no control over any of this – what was done to me or what was done to our son.

The anxiety I feel/felt over that type of loss of control is very difficult to put into words. I did not see how my life could continue and yet it had too because our son needed a stable parent, which was me, believe it or not, even in as bad a condition as I was in and not my husband at that time.



I have no idea what my husband would act like without the addiction. His life is always high stress due in large part to his ADD and depression. I understand addiction is a way to medicate that, in addition to medicating his childhood issues.

He had a porn problem years before I met him, I just didn’t know it, so I’ve never known him when that wasn’t a part of his “life management skill.” I have no idea.

Sorry, double post.