3Betrayed's Healing Thread

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:09 pm

Exercise Four

1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

Determined to be better person
Integrity
Kindhearted
Affectionate
Thoughtful
Generous
Sensitive
Spiritual-Godly
Patient
Funny/Witty
Brave/Courageous
Strong work ethic
Strong willed

Honest?
Loving?
Compassionate?
Devoted?

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

Ostrich Effect (stick head in sand; not verbalize his anger/frustration/hurt)
Need to build ego/esteem
Lack of proper boundaries
Lying/Not forthcoming with complete info
Disconnect from his kids/parenting
Selfishness with HIS fun/toys/desires

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:10 pm

Lesson 3

In your healing thread...
A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

- With my son's female friends- the teenage girls. Shortly after we married, after I'd gone to bed for the night, my son, his pal and their two girlfriends came home. D "partied" with them, allowing them to drink alcohol AND drank with them. I learned of it at 3:00 AM when one of the mothers called me screaming about my husband's behavior with her daughter. D wasn't in bed with me, so I went looking for him. My sons were in bed sound asleep and D was passed out on the sofa. The mother filed a report with the police, who showed me a picture one of the girls had taken of the other girl sitting on my drunk, stupid husband's lap, laughing like a dumb teenager! My gut felt betrayed and enraged at his immaturity and irresponsibility as an adult. My sons swore D had never been alone with the girls, that they'd only sat outside drinking and talking and laughing. The police didn't charge him with anything- not even for allowing the kids to drink, so it all just went away. I was furious, but I rationalized it as his effort to “bond” with my sons. Yeah, I know, STUPID me.
- With the new girl at his office. My gut felt alarmed at his chattering about her and their lunch dates. But, when I expressed my concerns, he very convincingly concurred with how he would feel if I were carrying on like that with a male coworker, apologized and assured me he would no longer have lunch with her. I felt reassured, and never again doubted their relationship. Now I know that he actually TOLD her that he was cheating on me with others after she became involved in an extramarital affair with another man. He told me he wanted show her he could "relate" to her...!
- With younger girls, like my daughter and her friends. I was extremely uncomfortable with his behavior around them- like a smitten teenager who was trying to look cool.
- With A, my grandson's mother. My gut felt uneasy with him rubbing her pregnant belly knowing he felt pregnant women are “sexy”. I didn’t like that they had frequent conversations after I’d go to bed, but I ignored the uneasiness because I couldn’t fathom he'd be anything less than parental with my son's girlfriend who was carrying their child! He seemed to be more tolerant of her babbling, where I was impatient with her, so I considered it a blessing. I should have taken the responsibility of being her confidant.
- Once in a while, I'd wake to him trying to anally penetrate me when he thought I was asleep. I was extremely baffled by this behavior, expecially because he never, ever initiated sex in the middle of the night- only this anal thing when he thought I was sound asleep. He'd never asked about having anal sex, so I was perplexed. However, I never confront him about it. I’d just act like I was starting to wake up and he’d stop. I didn’t know where this behavior was coming from; but I now know he was sexually abused/prostituted to gay men as a teenager. I should have confronted it, but in hindsight, I'm sure he'd have told me something benign like he was just curious, or that he thought I'd like it, or whatever. I'm sure I'd not have gotten to the root of the problem.

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

- D greeted one of my girlfriends with “Hi Sexy”, which is behavior I’d not have questioned before. Now I see that as him stepping over boundaries, to feed his esteem and to play the flirt game.
- D has quit drinking alcohol and insists he'd never have betrayed me had he not always been drinking. I know that if he ever drinks again, the behaviors won't be far behind.
- D continues to tell me he loves me and “always has”, but over half of our marriage was a sham in which he admits he’d have had sex with anyone who would have let him, and he did. He’d left our marriage, but he kept me around. Why? Though he’s done everything the books say he should be doing if he is sincere in saving our marriage, I feel he’s saving me as his mother, not his wife. He is unable to be sexually/romantically intimate because he has erectile dysfunction and/or doesn’t “feel” aroused. He doesn’t get it. So basically, since he can’t have intercourse, there is no sexual/romantic intimacy. He thinks making my coffee, giving me hugs and kisses (pecks), holding my hand, and being nice to me is being intimate. There is a complete disconnect there that makes me feel he wants me as his mother, the homemaker, his companion. He has no concept of me as an adult lover, his other half, a sexual/romantic being that doesn't need intercourse to feel loved. I've told him hundreds of times that to me a deep, long kiss is more intimate than sex. He either doesn't get it, or simply doesn't have the desire to deal with the most important part of my body: my face. I'm not sure if this disconnect, immaturity will be overcome, but my gut tells me that I'm not "loved" as a mature, healthy, devoted wife should be loved. And I know I won't be able to live the rest of my life like this.

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:12 pm

Lesson 2

My Vision-

I have never struggled with something so much as I've struggled with My Vision. That fact startles me because it's sad to know so little about your own self. I worked through CoachMel's Values Help, which I'd post a link to if I knew how to do that. The Values Help was invaluable to me.

Here it is...it's probably lacking, so I appreciate input and suggestions for making it more well-rounded; more of a "game plan"....

The qualities and characteristics that appeal to me include personal integrity and responsibility, honesty, loyalty, justice and kindness, generosity with self and material possessions, cheerfulness and a thankful, joyful spirit, a commitment to service of God.

More than anything else in this world, I want to have made a good difference in my personal and professional life. I want to live simply and be of service to others. I want to succeed in my marriage by truly being ONE. I want my husband to love me like he’s never loved another, and prove that love by his loyalty and faithfulness. I want to love my husband by being his soulmate and life partner; I want to be a helper to him, and do all I can to give him his dream life.

My values concept included a truck load of values from CoachMel's list, but I selected four values under which I listed the "truck load" of values important to me. The four values that I felt encompassed all of the values I hold dear are: Integrity, Holiness, Wisdom and Intimacy.

Domains that I have control over include: Spirituality, Integrity, Wisdom, Life’s Work/Direction.

SUMMARY:
If I had nothing in the way and had unlimited resources that would be sufficient to carry me through old age, I would spend my days helping my family: Dad, kids and grandkids, and extended family. I’d babysit, care for my Dad and would make myself available to my extended family for their needs, too. I would balance that service to my family by extending service to others in doing some kind of work in ministry. I’d love to minister at hospitals, nursing homes, shelters and orphanages. I’d make myself available to serve in more active roles in those areas, if needed. I like most to talk about justice, be it political or social justice. I like to discuss the rights of the unborn, of the elderly, of the handicapped, and mankind’s responsibility to protecting and nurturing those underdogs. I could spend an entire day doing something that would raise awareness, and benefit underdogs. I think the WHY I’d be drawn to this is because I believe my life isn’t about ME, but is about what I do for others; the difference I make in my wee section of the world. My service to others is what I will take with me when I die; nothing else really matters in the big picture. I am blessed that I would feel inspired, energized, content and proud of that kind of life instead of feeling drained and defeated at the thought of a life in service to others. What would make me feel drained and defeated would be to have to work to support myself in a job in which I was just another monkey, making no greater contribution than any other able-bodied person could make.

I don't know if my marriage will survive. Whether it does or doesn't, I will be okay. On top of my personal life going to hell in a handbasket, I lost my job...the last thing that provided stability, security, a daily purpose, and the source of my self-esteem and personal growth. I think I'm mourning the loss of my job maybe even more than the loss of the marriage I thought I had. I think if I can secure a job, I will become stronger, less terrified and will have the resources available to make a new life- with or without my marriage.

DID I DO THIS LESSON PROPERLY???

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:16 pm

After posting my Lesson 1 work over a year ago I left RN because I couldn’t see that my husband (D) fit the diagnosis of sexual addiction. So, to make a year-long story short, I am back because he most certainly is a sex-love addict. :e:

I spent this last year pulling info from him. Three different counselors told him it was critical that he be 100% honest with me. Three times he declared, “I don’t know of anything that she doesn’t already know.”…and the cock crowed…

I’d dig out of him what I could about his adultery with my grandson’s mother (A) and the prostitutes and would go off to hunt down and research the next “REASON” for why he might have done the unfathomable. I researched alcoholism, male depression, sexual dysfunction in men, male mid-life crisis, and on and on. I even research demonic possession! But nothing felt completely “it”.

I guess because I was engulfed in the aftermath of destruction wrought by a grown man, I didn’t attach the proper importance of something A told me when I confronted her about their affair. In an attempt to deflect my attention from her, she told me that D had told her he’d prostituted himself when he was a homeless teen at age 16-17. I was astounded. He’d told me of his physically and emotionally abusive father and his passive, neglectful mother. I knew he left home at 16, and that his parents actually emancipated him so they wouldn’t be legally responsible for him…(at the time he was the youngest child to be emancipated in the state in which he was raised).

Out on his own at 16, he told me he survived by sleeping in his car and staying with friends until their parents would want him to leave. He said he worked odd jobs until, at the age of 18, his cousin, who was 10-years older than him, took him into his home, which is in the state in which we now live.

His cousin got him a job, he worked, met a girl, married her, had three children with her, they divorced, he remarried (a stripper) whom he divorced years later, then six years after that, he and I met and married. He never mentioned prostituting himself.

Because I was dealing with horrors my adult husband created, I viewed the prostitution as yet more proof of the perversion he was capable of. I tucked away the revelation and went about finding the “REASON” for the marital infidelity.

Two months ago, I was researching the latest possible “REASON” for why he might have done the unfathomable, which was a book on child abuse. The book contained a chapter on childhood sexual abuse, so I asked him if he’d ever been sexually abused as a child. He replied that he had not. We got to talking about his childhood and when we got to his 16th year, I asked him to explain what he meant by telling A that he’d “prostituted himself”. And he told me.

He’d met a gay man who owned a gay bar & grill, which was beneath a pay-as-you-go hotel used by transient workers in the area. The gay man gave my husband a hotel room to stay in and he worked in the man’s bar & grill as payment of his rent. If he needed cash, he had to ask for it as he didn’t get a paycheck- just a room and meals off the grill. My husband, at the age of 16, spent all of his time, on and off the clock, in the bar where men would buy him drinks and talk with him like he was an adult- one of them.

One night at closing time, the two men he’d been drinking with suggested they continue their party in my husband’s room, so up they went. Before long, they began touching this drunk 16-year old homeless, penniless boy. They laid down a huge amount of cash and told my husband he could have it if only he would let them do certain things. Soon thereafter, the owner began "introducing" D to other gay pedophiles. D understood what was expected of him. He said it got easier each time.

And it struck me: He doesn’t know he was sexually abused as a child because he is still thinking like a 16-year old, who “knows it all” and doesn’t see themself as still a child. He felt he was in “control” of the situation and let it happen. He didn't see that he didn't "prostitute himself"; he was prostituted! He said not a day has gone by that he hasn’t thought of what he did, and that he’s been so ashamed by it that he never told a soul, not even me. He told my grandson’s mother in response to her telling him of her own sexual child abuse by her grandfather. He said he told her so she wouldn’t feel all alone and ashamed.

So, we began learning all we could about sexual child abuse in males, and discovered that many survivors go on to have the same problems as my husband: skillful liars, deep-seated shame, low self-esteem, lack of boundaries, selfishness, failure to commit to a healthy relationship, and addictions like sexual acting out/sexual addiction. We began working on this issue and found a counselor who specializes in male sexual abuse for D. D has seen her twice so far. I have no one, though the plan is/was for me to join in sessions after the counselor got some time with D.

In the midst of this, I pulled another part of the adultery story from him, which I can't believe I will be able to overcome. The truth is that his infidelity began within a year of our 2001 marriage, and took on life after A gave birth to my grandson. She and my son were living with us at that time. After they moved into their own place in 2006, the contact between my husband and her intensified as he would visit her (unbeknownst to me) to “console” her about her troubled relationship with my son. Around this time, she and my son broke up and went their separate ways. It was 2008, when she had nowhere to go, that we allowed her to move back in with us. My husband has maintained that the affair started then in 2008, NOT before.

That is a critical part of the story, because it means that D not only sinned against me and our marriage, but against my son and grandson. I can cope with someone hurting me, but to hurt my child? That is an entirely different thing.

This is too much to bear. I’ve spent all this time trying to find a REASON to believe. I’ve only wanted to be a hero in this, to be true to my marital vows in sickness and in health, in good times and bad. After having two failed marriages under my belt, I’ve so badly wanted to be a good example of marital commitment to my grown children. I have beaten myself up for allowing A to move back in with us in 2008. I’ve mourned the thought that had I not been so stupid as to put two sick, twisted people under the same roof this would never have happened. I have hated myself for being so naïve, so blind.

And now, I know that his behavior goes back much farther than 2008. Our marriage has never been a marriage. There can be no hope if he still, after all of this time, can’t tell me the truth, but he doesn’t appear to be capable of it. He’s told me how badly he feels, how he hates himself for what he did to me/us, that he will never lie to me ever again, that I can trust him to be devoted, loyal and honest. Yet, that whole time, he was keeping from me the fact that his betrayals began long before 2008. And he let me go on and on like that until last month when I tricked him into thinking I knew more than I did to get the truth, which I got: That my entire marriage has been a revolting farce.

So. I’m back.

With this addition, my Lesson 1 work is complete with as much of the full story as I know. I have read and re-read Lesson 1 and I get it. Completely. I am ready to work on myself. I have nothing left to hang onto. I have no hope other than my hope in my own miserable, stupid self.

I have been brutally attacked and have been covered with blood since August 2, 2010. I spent all of my time trying to find what caused the wounds instead of finding the wounds in order to stop the bleeding. I have to learn to stop looking for the source of the wounding because in doing that I have allowed myself to nearly bleed to death. I am here for help.

Thank you for helping me clean off this blood, find the wounds, stop the bleeding, and go about healing them so I will someday be healthy and strong enough to make my life.

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:17 pm

Hello 3Betrayed,

First I would like to welcome you to Recovery Nation. I am sorry for the circumstances that have you here but just know that here is a very good place to be! Lesson 1 is about sharing your story and you accomplished that, so no worries. As far as draining your emotional energy~it gets better... and it gets worse. The best thing you can do for yourself is to focus on you in increments that you feel capable of. The lessons are invaluable as almost everyone in the community can attest. The workshop is self-directed but a coach/mentor may pop in from time to time to post comments to your work. If you ever feel stuck, you can put a question out to the community (in the support forum) or you can pm a coach/mentor for assistance. One thing you will notice is that I edited out the full names in your shared account of what happened. We highly recommend that you refrain from using personally identifying information in your posts. This is a public forum which is visible to anyone who chooses to browse this site. Since I doubt, at this point, that you are concerned for your husband's privacy or for the privacy of this wayward girl, consider this for the privacy of your grandchild, for your son and for you. Be well.

CoachMel

_________________
"...our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeing deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort that we are likely to step out of our ruts...." ~M. Scott Peck

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Tue Jan 10, 2012 7:18 pm

On August 2 my life shattered when I learned my husband, D, had been having an affair with my grandson's mother- a girl I'd taken in, supported and loved as my own daughter.

Having come from an extremely disfunctional family, A and my son moved in with us when she became pregnant. Though she and my son split up, she continued to live with D and me off and on over the past seven years. Our main motive in taking care of her was not only because we felt sorry for her (extremely screwed up in her sexual orientation, a very below average IQ, etc.), but especially because we were so concerned about our grandson in her care. We felt we could keep a watchful eye on him when he was with her and not my son, AND could guide her toward becoming a self-sufficient adult.

Her last move back in with us was September of 2008. This move in came on the heels of D's cancer scare, which resulted in him having most of his rectum and colon removed, which increased his ED. D was just 7 months outside of that surgery, and had taken to sleeping in the downstairs recliner (I have to get up and down all night to go to the bathroom and don't want to wake you...I snore too loud and don't want to bother you...I sleep better in the recliner; our bed is too hard for me...etc.).

As it turns out D had begun hiding vodka and was getting bombed each and every night. Because I only saw him drink a few beers each night, I had no clue his withdrawal from me and his declining health was due to being drunk; I just thought he was still so weak from the surgery.

Because I knew the ED bothered him, I didn't pressure him, but instead just let him have his space confident that eventually he would finish healing and we'd be okay. Because D didnt "get" my pleas for simple intimacy: just hold me; let's just kiss, etc., and my reassurances that what his penis could or could not do wasn't truly a factor for me, that there were other things we could do, I just began to withdraw.

Sometimes, D and I would have sex, but halfway through, he'd say, "I can't stay hard", and would abruptly get up and LEAVE me in bed. I'd cry myself to sleep and continued to withdraw.

At this same time my Mom was dx'd with Lou Gehrigs/ALS. I joined my sisters in stepping up care and attention of her and my elderly Dad, which meant many nights I spent the night at the hospital with Mom or at their home to help care for her and my Dad.

By November 2008, A and D were having sex. This went on for two years, under my own roof, mostly while I laid sleeping in our own bed- other times while I was spending the night at the bedside of my dying mother. While A lived with us it happened right in my own home-almost every night. When she wasn't with us it happened in hotels and in his car.

Soon after learning about this on August 2nd, after I found text msgs from D to A wanting to "hook up" and that he missed her (she'd moved out months prior), I discovered thousands of dollars had inexpliably been taken from our household fund through ATM withdrawals. Hotel rooms and other unexplainable purchases were put on credit cards I didn't know existed. This money was spent on prosititutes and to buy A things like the $1,200.00 transmission he bought her just this last July.

D said that he and A had ended their sexual relationship prior to her moving out in September 2009, and that in May 2010, he began hiring prostitutes and restarted his sexual relationship with A, who obliged because he was good for money, which she needed.

D blamed everything on vodka, and said he would have never done all of this had he not been drunk all of the time. But there are things from his past, before we married in 2001 that cause me pause: his obvious infactuation with younger women: my birth daughter, my nieces, my sons' girlfriends, etc., learning that he'd prostituted himself with gay men at 16 for food/rent money (he'd been emancipated from his abusive parents at age 16 and was on his own), etc.

I have been trying to deal with this devistation while being supportive of his half-hearted attemts to embrace AA, counseling and antidepressants. I never wanted anything but to grow old with D. I never suspected a thing this whole time and had stuffed my lonliness, frustration and depression back into the dark recesses of my mind thinking that he was just having a terrible time adjusting to the affects of his cancer scare and surgery, which occured in October 2007. Being consumed by my mother's impending death kept me very busy and my mind preoccupied. It was the perfect storm and D took fantastic advantage of it. Because I loved A as my own daughter, I could never have fathomed she could do this to me. I was a real babe in the woods.

Bit by bit things have come to light due to my constant chipping away to get the truth. As if being betrayed by my husband and my "daughter" after having cared and sacrificed for him through his surgery, and while I was taking care of my disabled, terminally ill Mom weren't enough of a blow, one finding rocked me to my core.

When I found one hotel bill for November 17, 2008-the very night D took our dog (terminally ill) hunting with him with the intent to put him down, I asked about it. His story was that he couldn't bear shooting Toby, so he fed him a bunch of Benedryl, and took him to a hotel to hopefully fall asleep and pass away on his own. Of course, that didn't explain that night's shopping spree at two different department stores in the same area as the hotel, which just happened to be in a town where A was working a job. With that questioning, he said he couldn't sit in the room and watch Toby die, so he went shopping. Natural reaction for someone who doesn't like to shop, right?

The truth finally came out. He got that hotel room and left poor dying Toby in the car to hook up with A. He took her shopping and she repaid him by going back to the hotel room to have sex with him. He had sex with someone I saw as my daughter while our dog was left alone suffering in his car. I guess A didn't want to spend anymore time with D than she absolutely had to, so she took her loot and left and went back to her bevy of lesbian lovers (her homosexual bent is why she and my son broke up). That is when D brought Toby back home to me at 2:00 AM with a story that he just couldn't bring himself to pull the trigger. The next morning, I had to take a very sick Toby to the vet to have him put down, never suspecting anything other than my "sweet, sensitive" husband was so loving that he couldn't put Toby down on his own.

I'm not sure this is what I'm supposed to type about, but it is a start. There's much more, but honestly, I don't have the emotional energy to continue. :t:

CoachMel · **Joined:** Fri Sep 14, 2007 3:07 pm **Posts:** 4688

Hi 3Betrayed,

Yes, you did your vision lesson very well. :g:

This is the foundation upon which you will continue to build as you continue through the workshop; you will continue to evolve this vision, into a functional “road map” for your life. Some of the qualities and values that you identified will be the core of your vision--your absolute values.

re: "Yeah, I know, STUPID me."

No, not stupid you. Perhaps naive (at most) but trusting and willing to give him the benefit of the doubt is more accurate. It only occurs as stupid in hindsight, now that you know all that you know. Don’t beat yourself up for not having seen it for what it was then.

re: "I should have taken the responsibility of being her confidant. "

Do you feel this way in light of your husband’s addiction, or do you feel this way because it is in alignment with your values and vision for your life? If it is the former, it leans toward being what some would describe as codependent behaviour. Something to think about. When we live by our values, there is no “in order to” attached; we simply act because it is what we value, not to manipulate a situation, not to gain favor, not to keep our husbands out of trouble.

re: "Though he’s done everything the books say he should be doing if he is sincere in saving our marriage, I feel he’s saving me as his mother, not his wife. He is unable to be sexually/romantically intimate because he has erectile dysfunction and/or doesn’t “feel” aroused. He doesn’t get it.

So basically, since he can’t have intercourse, there is no sexual/romantic intimacy. He thinks making my coffee, giving me hugs and kisses (pecks), holding my hand, and being nice to me is being intimate."

Well, these are things that can, and do, build and nurture emotional intimacy. But what I hear you say is that you want sexual intimacy. Doing all the books say he needs to to save his marriage, (which, doing things to build emotional intimacy is often prescribed in marital counseling) does not mean that he is doing all he needs to recover. And, in order for those acts of emotional intimacy to lend themselves into creating a healthy sexual intimacy, he will need to also work toward developing his emotional maturity and healing his addiction. The disconnect is because he is simply doing, he is not ingraining or developing his skills--it’s more of a “save my marriage by numbers” (and not even recovery by numbers because saving your marriage is not the foundation of recovery, but a foundation of recovery will naturally lend itself to rebuilding your marriage, through the process of rebuilding his life). This kind of top down approach is not very effective and will not likely do anything make its way to the foundation--instead, he is putting icing on mud pie. Were he to take the same approach to his sexuality, it would be more of the same--icing on mud pie, or building the outer casing of a house without first building the foundation and framework--it may look good for a while but it is sure to collapse. A health based recovery process works form the bottom up and that is where he needs to be putting his efforts.
There is a complete disconnect there that makes me feel he wants me as his mother, the homemaker, his companion. He has no concept of me as an adult lover, his other half, a sexual/romantic being that doesn't need intercourse to feel loved. I've told him hundreds of times that to me a deep, long kiss is more intimate than sex. He either doesn't get it, or simply doesn't have the desire to deal with the most important part of my body: my face. I'm not sure if this disconnect, immaturity will be overcome, but my gut tells me that I'm not "loved" as a mature, healthy, devoted wife should be loved. And I know I won't be able to live the rest of my life like this.

It is possible that this is all he aspires to (being taken care of). It is also possible that he still holds the belief that true, life transforming recovery isn’t possible, or that he hasn’t connected for any significant amount of time, to the possibility of recovery for himself, for it’s own sake. For certain, with his current level of emotional maturity, he is likely afraid to tell you that he doesn’t know how to relate in this way. It is possible that he knows that he is faking it and hopes that you don’t notice. This is not necessarily because he doesn’t want the same things as you, just that he doesn’t believe in himself, or in the possibility for himself. Were he to simply begin to practice the kind of sexual intimacy you want, for a while it may seem like he is getting it, but at some point his faulty foundation will undermine him yet again. And then you will be feel like you are further behind from where you started, because you invested yet another year, or years, only to find yourself feeling duped and manipulated, taken for granted. So, in this regard it is somewhat better that he avoid sexual intimacy, than fake it, but that doesn’t do much in terms of getting you closer to where you want to be, but at least it doesn’t set you back years either. I am throwing a lot of “it is possibles” at you, but this is how it is and he is the only one who really knows the state of things as they are for himself. And, it is possible that he continues to delude himself, it is possible that he really doesn’t know and it is possible that he is simply too sacred to be honest (due to his lack of emotional maturity, not because of you although his level of emotional maturity is probably more than willing to assign blame to you even if he does know better). You likely want to know “what can I do about this”? The answer is, continue to do your work, continue to define what you want for yourself and your life, and communicate that to him. Continue to develop your awareness for what is healthy and not healthy in terms of his development, what the indicators are that he is actively pursuing and incorporating health based recovery into his life, and what the indicators are that he is not. These are all part of the healing process that you will be guided through as you navigate your way through the workshop lessons. One hint: the qualities that you identified in exercise four are qualities that you can look for to see if he is actively pursuing health or not--part 2 being behaviours that indicate emotional immaturity, and should therefor be worked out as he develops his emotional maturity, that is, as long as they are not part of his values and vision for his life- i.e. maybe he wants to keep his toys and fun, or maybe he will choose to avoid conflict.. again, these are for him to develop, and he should be communicating that with you, so at least you will be clear on where he stands. Then, you get to determine if your values are compatible, and how you will protect your values and what actions you take from there.

Be well.

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Thu Jan 12, 2012 1:42 am

Exercise Five
Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behavior. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational.

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

- I tend to clean when I am stressed. Cleaning and organizing gives me a feeling of control in that I am achieving a “take charge” attitude. However, when there’s nothing left to clean, or the cleaning isn’t helping me maintain that feeling of control, I bomb. I don’t have good management techniques for handling stress; therefore, I have acted irrationally. Stress and depression go hand-in-hand for me, so I have attempted to relieve both by resorting to “finding true love”. I was unfaithful in two marriages with men who were absolutely, positively NOT where I’d have found “true love”, so it was completely irrational. :e:

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.
- I’d have been anxious in thinking I was wasting time in a situation that was not going to be resolved in any other way other than finding that “true love”, which would make me happy and make my life “good”. I’d have been lost not conceiving of any other alternative.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?
- Had he not had the affairs to pursue he’d have increased his drinking, which would have only increased his need to seek relief from stress by finding something to build his ego/esteem. In the absence of a female to flirt with, he’d have spent money on toys or an expensive fishing trip.

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Sat Jan 14, 2012 12:42 am

Exercise Six
Understanding the sexualized mind will go a long way in allowing you to better relate to what you are currently experiencing. The more objective insights and awareness that you develop, the stronger will be your ability to maintain confidence and control in your life. And, the faster it will be achieved.

A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.
-Done. Holy Shit! Wow. God bless Jon Marsh! Wow. :t:

Reading Jon's account was uncomfortable and terrifying as I could draw quite a few connections to the thought processes behind his actions to what my H has tried to articulate. In reading He Danced Alone, I felt true compassion and love for Jon, and now can actually feel the same for my H. I will work to cultivate my compassion and love for my H until it grows taller and stronger than my hurt and anger. Again, God bless Jon Marsh. He achieved his dream to help others. He's sure helped me! :g:

B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

- The flirting with women, with the sexual innuendo masterfully hidden so he appeared merely charming, sweet, adorable, non-threatening, innocent, flattering and friendly.
- Touching women, i.e. rubbing the shoulders or scratching the backs of female co-workers.
- Believing all women who are nice or friendly toward him are lusting after him; believing he has a type of gift in which he was convinced they wanted him and that he could get them in bed, if he wanted to.
- No boundaries with women who are vulnerable in some way, i.e. B’s crush on him, M’s work as a stripper, S’s loneliness in her marriage, J’s poverty, A’s childhood sexual abuse & relationship troubles with my son, giving the prostitutes big tips because they were “trying to support their kids”. Damsels in Distress get his antennae up, and he has believed his actions were to “help them”, when in reality, he manipulated situations to get companionship, love, an ego boost, excitement and/or sex.

C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?

The Sexualized Mind: “An individual with a sexual addiction will subconsciously sexualize their environment. Every person, every relationship, every situation, every object will be filtered through their sexual mind as a part of their natural perceptual process. “

-I had no idea he viewed every female sexually. I was always impressed that he was the one man I’d ever known who didn’t ogle and leer at other women; he was just excellent at hiding it. He says he’s always thought of sexual acts with every woman he’s seen. He says with A, the minute he learned enough about her to know she would be easy prey, he set his sights on her sexually. This in spite of the fact that NO female needed proof of the existence of good, honest, moral men more than she did. D’s sexualized mind couldn’t even perceive of females whom he should have regarded as off limits: his cousin’s wife, his daughter’s friend, his step-son’s girlfriend /mother of his child.

The Objectified Mind: “How can a man who is in love with his partner, have a promiscuous sexual affair just hours before making love to that partner? More so, how could they do such a thing and feel completely justified that their actions had 'nothing to do with' how they felt about their partner?”

-D maintains that he always loved me, never considered leaving me and didn’t see a future without me. Our entire marriage was an illusion of him being affectionate and sweet, doing considerate things for me and presenting himself as a 100% committed spouse while he lusted in his heart and conducted flirtations in which he would have been sexual had the female given the green light. These behaviors exploded with the golden opportunity provided by A’s presence in our home. He admits to working her and using her- at one point, he even suggested she work as a prostitute to supplement her income- this he suggested to my grandson’s mother!!!

He objectified the prostitutes, to whom he gave big tips to “help them”, never even thinking that a greater help would have been to just give them the money and not take sex in return. He objectified me in ignoring my needs and disrespecting my entire value system while keeping me as his “wife”. As he recovers, this objectification is still ongoing as he can’t see A as a human being as damaged and out-of-control as he was, but only views her as a manipulative “user”. Also, his hatred of gay men as being “disgusting sexual predators” objectifies all gay men unreasonably.

The Need for Immediate Gratification: “Because when she looks ahead to the long-term commitment that she must make, she doesn't "feel" the long-term benefits that come with the successful completion of that goal. All she "feels" is the stress that such a pursuit would bring to her immediate life. Naturally then, she bases her decisions on what will provide her with the immediate relief (in this case, the relief of not adding more stress to her life).”

-During his acting out with A and prostitutes he was drinking heavily from vodka that was hidden around our home. He knew everything he was doing was wrong, and even prayed that God would help him stop, but he did not stop. His decision to stay away on his fishing trip instead of coming home for a family funeral caused a huge long distance melt down between us, during which I told him to just stay out of town; to not bother coming home. He responded to this by organizing a trip that evening with his fishing buddies to a strip club where he treated himself to a lap dance. Immediate gratification has always won out over doing the less fun, but right thing. He has purchased vehicles without my input and if an idea for a new toy, i.e. lake condo, boat, ATV, motorcycle, etc., gets in his head, he will price shop, research the subject, and more often than not, will purchase the item, which will be rarely used, but will be paid for over many, many years. Immediate gratification. Yup.

The All or Nothing Perception: “In extreme cases, they might even have developed a "learned helplessness" approach to life and have simply resigned themselves to the fact that their life is not going to get any better, no matter what they do. So why try?”

-When I asked why, if he felt such remorse that he’d pray for God to help him stop his drinking, and why, when I would tell him he was such a good husband, he’d feel such guilt, wouldn’t he have just STOPPED instead of continuing the behavior for YEARS, he said he felt that he was already doomed to burn in Hell for all he’d done, and felt so defeated that he saw no point in stopping. Because the recovery process has brought to light his being prostituted as a 16-year-old, he’s admitted that not a single day of life has gone by in which he’s not thought of “what he did”. I think these are just two examples of All-or-Nothing thinking. The gray areas would have been for him to realize he had made bad mistakes in marital fidelity, but that he could stop, re-commit and become an even better husband; that God welcomes back the repentant sinner and has wiped away our guilt by His Son’s blood (that is his professed faith, yet he couldn’t apply it to his own self). Regarding the sexual abuse, the gray area could have been for him to look at the situation from another perspective, which would have allowed him to see that he was a KID, a victim of sexual predators, and as a child, he was not legally or emotionally able to consent to such activity. That realization might have freed him from the guilt and shame that stunted his emotional maturity and kept him a prisoner of his adolescent mind well into middle-age.

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Mon Aug 27, 2012 9:24 pm

In light of recent developments in my marriage, or lack thereof, I would like to revise my Lesson 2-"My Vision" to be more specific and less inclusive of my husband's presence in my future. I prefer to realize my vision with my husband, but if our marriage doesn't survive, I will still be able to strive to accomplish these hopes and dreams.

Lesson 2- My Vision- Revised 8/27/2012

1. To loosen my load. Downsize house and expenses to free up money for savings and for travel and be able to retire debt free.
2. Get away from so many responsibilities: dogs, chickens, kids, grandkids, etc.
3. Pull the family together with more family times. A big vacation for all would be wonderful. A lake condo for everyone’s use would be awesome.
4. Travel and make some memories. I’d like to go on a cruise to the Bahamas. I’d like to see Italy, Rome, Spain and the US coastal towns: Cape Cod, Carolinas, Seattle, California, etc.
5. Become invested in some type of service.
6. Expand my social outlets and circles. Learn to have fun like others have. See things that are right here in my own home town.
7. To live my days doing something I am proud of, energized by and successful at. I would like to have my efforts appreciated not by others’ words, but by their loyalty to me.

3Betrayed · **Posted:** Mon Aug 27, 2012 10:10 pm

Exercise Seven- My Role in Recovery/Healing

A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:

I. Effective communication - I feel I have been communicating for a long time about my needs, while allowing him space and time to put forth those efforts. I have continued communicating my needs during this “recovery time”, while again…allowing him space and time to put forth those efforts. He always “understands me”, but nothing changes. I have been shutting down in communicating. How long can you say the same things over and over before you “get it” that the person doesn’t care or isn’t capable of providing what you are asking for?

II. Managing your partner's recovery – Since D-Day I’ve been a research scientist, reading and researching every single possibility for his infidelities. When I came upon childhood sexual abuse, I brought it to him. Long story short, he began looking into a support site for male survivors, but he rarely posts anything. I provided the list of counselors qualified to counsel male survivors and encouraged him to make an appointment. Since then, so much more has come to light regarding the length, depth and breadth of his acting out, which convinced me he has a sex/love addiction. I have been urging him to look into sexual addiction, but he's not done so. His counselor tells him she doesn't thinks he's a sex addict, and since that's exactly what he wants to hear, he doesn't take my concern seriously. I am sure if I were not pulling the strings, he’d not be doing anything at all, and for sure he’d not have gotten the knowledge and help he’s gotten so far.

III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health – I think I’ve empowered him to pursuit health. I have expressed my happiness that he has quit drinking, and I’ve shown sincere appreciation with his patience with my trauma as well as his willingness to talk. But, abstinence isn't recovery, and abstinence is all he's done- regarding alcohol and having actual sex with others, that is. However, my discovery of the porn-like stuff on his computer made it quite clear that he is most certainly still acting out. Can a prostitute be far behind???

B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?
- Absolutely not. I have not had good experiences with counselors, nor within the forum of his male survivors board which is for family members. I went to my first COSA meeting the week before finding the porn-like pictures on his computer, but I did not go again this week; partly because I see no point in me being the only one to go to a support group, and partly because I don’t know what I am. Am I his wife, or am I his former wife. I don’t yet know.

C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?
- I need to find a balance between “supporting” his recovery and “directing” his recovery. My fear is that he won’t do the hard work, which means I have to move on. I know I’m only delaying the inevitable by pulling all of the strings to make recovery happen. I need to just focus on me, yet be inclusive of ways to improve our marriage, which is in limbo right now. I don’t know if I’m coming or going, so I don’t know what to do, really. I am here at RN with renewed vigor to work on ME. In the last few months, I have discovered some of my own issues that need tending to. NOT that my issues caused his horrific betrayal, but somehow, I'm here, and that can't be his fault, but my own. I need to discover that dynamic.

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