Recovery Nation

I think I've had a different kind of experience from the one many others have had on this forum. When I met my SO, he was already aware of his addiction to pornography and masturbation. He had been caught doing it in public, was arrested, and required to go to a therapist. I did not know this at first, but he did inform me of it about a month after we started dating. I was impressed with his courage in telling me, so I decided to stick with him, at least for the time being. After we had been dating for about nine mostly happy months, however, his addiction became worse. I knew he had been masturbating to pornography a couple of times a week, but because I was somewhat naive (this is my first long-term relationship), and because I had already seen my father overcome an alcohol addiction simply by force of will, I foolishly figured he would just "get over it," eventually. He was always a great partner in every other way, so I figured the "good" outweighed the "bad." But, as I said, it got worse. He started masturbating for hours every day, even though we were having regular satisfying sex. He wrecked his car because he fell asleep at the wheel, having exhausted himself the night before. He stopped being able to perform physically when we had sex. I started to feel less and less desirable, and deeply resentful that he preferred the women in his porn to his smart, educated, caring, supportive, attractive girlfriend who he claimed to be in love with. I couldn't understand, if he knew all that time that he had an addiction, why he didn't just DO something about it. I confronted him and he confessed that he had been masturbating as much as I suspected (he had tried to hide it from me, but come on). Right away he started seeing a sex therapist and he joined this site. He seems sincere about his intentions to recover, and I very much want to support him. In a way, his quick action after our confrontation makes me feel as if I have no right to be angry with him, especially since he was upfront about his problem at the beginning of our relationship. I feel that I should be supportive and selfless in that support. But the fact is that I'm very, very angry, very hurt, resentful, and disgusted. I do still care about him, and, for the time being, I want to work to heal our relationship as well as myself, but that doesn't change the fact that his selfish actions injured my self-esteem, my confidence, and my trust in him. I'm not sure, at this moment, if a person with such an addiction can really know how to love someone. I'm not sure if I'm foolish to try to stay with him, or if he really is the lovely person he seems to be. I worry about the warped values he could give our children if we have any in the future.

Again, it seems wrong to me that I feel and think these things when I went into it knowing that he had this addiction. My only explanation is that I didn't actually understand the ramifications of such a thing. I was raised to have great strength of will, a sense of duty to my loved ones and to the world, and faith in the basic strength, courage, and goodness of all humanity. I could not, at the beginning of our relationship, comprehend the realities of such an addiction. I feel betrayed by my own values, broken and alone. He, of course, is still caring, supportive, and seemingly determined to heal himself, but why now? Just to keep from losing me? Should I really trust that a man who would know about an addiction and do nothing to heal it for several years is capable of turning around and recovering?

I am sincerely asking. I don't know anything, and I'm scared.

_________________
Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are

-T.S. Eliot, "Ash Wednesday"

Hi Cucumbermoon,
Welcome to Recovery Nation. Yes, your experience is somewhat different in that you had knowledge of your SO's addiction, but, like most of us here, you didn't really know anything about SA. Until we educate ourselves, we have no idea of what we've been living with or how to deal with it - don't beat yourself up over this. Part of the RN workshop is to educate you about the mindset and nature of this addiction which may give you some insight about why he didn't pursue recovery until now.
You have a great set of values - you honored them and that is a good thing. I'm sorry you feel betrayed by them - please don't. We all feel blind-sided, confused, and angered by the nature of this addiction. As you gain a better understanding of SA, you can determine the boundaries/consequences you need to protect your values and the vision you have for your life. You are not responsible for his choices - I'm sure you know that. It's OK to be supportive and compassionate for him, but here, on RN, your only responsiblity is to heal yourself. That's what this workshop and the lessons are about - YOU.
His taking steps to heal himself and showing support for you are good signs. Whether he is doing it to keep from losing you? Maybe. For now, though, focus on you and your healing. The answers to your questions will reveal themselves in time as you gain emotional balance and a better understanding of SA - it's a process unique to you so give yourself the gift of patience.
Work to heal yourself. However, if you are emotionally tied to the outcome of the relationship, it will rob you of the energy to heal yourself. He's the only one who can do the work to recover - he will either do the work or he won't. There's nothing you can or should do about that. Focus on you and your healing.

I understand your fear - been there myself. Know that you have found the right place to figure this all out. I suggest that you find a comfortable pace for doing the lessons in the order they are given - cherry picking doesn't work. A steady momentum does help - but take time to digest each lesson and connect the dots. The workshop is a continuum of learning with each lesson building on the previous ones. It is hard work and sometimes paniful - what you put in will determime what you get out but it is so worth it.

Stay on this thread using the submit button to post each lesson so all the communication stays in one place. A mentor or coach will check in with you from time to time. If you have any questions, the Community Forum is a great resource for advice and sharing. We listen, we care, we are non-judgemental.

Welcome to Recovery Nation.
Nellie James

Thank you for the support!

Lesson Two: Personal Vision


I see myself reconnecting with my spiritual roots by attending the local Friends Meeting at least once a month. Quaker values have always been important in my life and I have let them lapse in recent years, looking outward to worldly pursuits. I will look inward again, to find the strength and the light that exists in my soul, rather than by defining my happiness and well-being through mundane achievements. I will travel again, to the places I want to see, rather than the places my friends want to see. I will go alone if necessary. I have done it before, after all! I will go back to school in one month - that is already definite. But I will think of it now as a stepping stone to my own personal pursuit of meaningful, beneficial work, as well as the ability to completely support myself financially so that I will not be dependent on others for my existence. I will write more, be alone more, read more. I will meditate again - like I used to, and do yoga for twenty minutes three times a week. In my recent depression, all of those activities I used to value have been replaced by TV. That will end. I will remember that my time is precious, that my life is fleeting, that my needs are valid, regardless of whether the people around me understand them or not. I will learn to love myself again, as much as I love the people I have given so much of myself to.

_________________
Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are

-T.S. Eliot, "Ash Wednesday"

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

Several times he has complained about being "very tired" even though he didn't have to work late the night before. Or he complained about messing up at work a lot. Both of these are pretty clear indicators that he has spent much of the night masturbating. Since we don't live together, that's the only real tell I have. One time he wrecked his car because he fell asleep driving home. I had my suspicions, but I didn't want to confront him when he'd just had a traumatic experience. Sure enough, he confessed a few days later that he fell asleep because he'd been "up" all night before. More recently, we were having sex and no matter what we did he just couldn't finish. It was pretty obvious to me that he had been masturbating just before I got to his house, and later that day he told me I was right.

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

Once again, after his car accident I suspected the reason for his exhaustion but told myself not to be so distrustful, especially after he'd been in a wreck. I didn't say anything to him about it and even convinced myself I was probably wrong, until he confessed a few days later. It hasn't happened often because he has been aware of his addiction since before we started dating, and he'll usually confess before I have a chance to suspect anything.

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality.

His biggest "tell" that he has been engaging in his addiction is that he will be irritable and depressed the next day. He'll complain about messing up at work or being really tired. It's a noticeable break from his usual personality, so it's easy to pick out.

_________________
Because I know that time is always time
And place is always and only place
And what is actual is actual only for one time
And only for one place
I rejoice that things are as they are

-T.S. Eliot, "Ash Wednesday"

1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

•He is respectful.
•He is generous.
•He is kind.
•He values nature and loves to hike.
•He is good with children.
•He is a good listener.
•He's a hard worker.
•He's smart.
•He loves music and theater. He's a good singer.
•He values family and is a loyal friend.
•He cleans up after himself.
•He doesn't say mean things about anyone.
•He is interested in people.
•He likes to travel.
•He is very supportive of my endeavors, and accepting of our differences. For example, he is not even remotely spiritual, but he encourages me to go to Meeting when I want to and to develop my spiritual side because he knows it's important to me.
•He sincerely values me and he is not-so-subtly proud of me.
•He is very affectionate.
•He makes me feel loved and wanted.


2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.

•He is not good with money.
•He sometimes has depressive tendencies.
•He hasn't realized his work potential. That may improve with his recovery, however, as I feel his insecurities about work are strongly tied in with his sense of inadequacy as a person. If not, it will be a serious issue in the future because I want to have a family and I want to be with a man who can help me support children.
•He doesn't always pay attention to the road when he is driving.

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?


I manage my stress through exercise (walking or yoga), reading, watching comedy TV shows, meditation, and writing. There have been several times in my life when I have turned to irrational behavior to manage my stress. My behavior of choice was self-injury. I have cut myself in the past when I felt out of control of my life. It was brought about most often by being unhappy at school and at home when my parents were separated. It also happened when several loved ones died in a relatively short span of time. Most recently it happened after a difficult breakup, when my ex refused to accept that our relationship was over and started stalking me at work. That was two years ago now, and since then I seem to have found better ways of managing my stress. I haven't injured myself since July 2010.


B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

Again, self-injury. It took several forms and started when I was very young. I had a loving, supportive family with one major flaw: my father would not permit me to be angry at any time for any reason. I believe that my self-injury stems from that. When I was angry about something, even as a small child, rather than throw a tantrum like most children would, I would hide in my room and stab myself with the screws that stuck out of my bed frame. The pain diffused the anger, made it manageable, and made me feel as if I had some control. It grew from an anger management technique to a general go-to action whenever I felt upset or stressed about anything. It got to the point in my teens when I would hurt myself a little every day. By then it had developed into a sort of self-loathing, where I honestly believed I was such a bad person that I deserved to be hurt as a punishment for my transgressions. I couldn't comfortably get through a day without hurting myself. If I did, I would become distracted and fearful, out of balance. My life was like a tidal wave of unmanageable emotion and uncontrollable events. It surged about me in a constant violent rage and it was all I could do to keep my head above the water line. I remember distinctly feeling as though I was drowning. Hurting myself gave me control, and it also, to some extent, wiped away the guilt I felt for having negative emotions, which I wasn't supposed to ever have. I felt it was excusable that I would get upset about the circumstances of my life so long as I punished myself thoroughly for it.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

He would listen to music and watch TV. He would take his clothes off (unless his nudism is related to his sexual addiction; we're not sure about that one yet). He might exercise as well, but mostly I feel it would be music, nudity, and TV. I would say that he might cook, because he enjoys that, but I think that cooking also adds stress to his life because he feels like he's slow.

Cucumbermoon, thank your for your very honest post. You have been through the fire. You have been able to come out the other side and that is remarkable.
I know it's difficult to see SA as a kind of emotional management technique, but it is. When a person doesn't have effective tools, they use what works. Even though your H had several other outlets, it seems that they may not have worked. This is where values come into play. Learning to make value based decisions rather than emotionally reactive ones.

Good job on this lesson.
Nellie