Recovery Nation

Timeline:

Honestly we were both too immature for marriage at the age of twenty and it showed in the first couple of years. Growing up, H and I were both raised in a sheltered environment and were taught strict religious views. He was taught that masturbation was a sin against God and I was taught nothing about sex by my parents. We were both virgins when we married and it showed by the way he treated me the first time we had sex, exploring every inch of me as if he could finally touch what he seen in magazines or movies. It was a very creepy experience to say the least even for someone who had no sexual experience at all.

We were married about 5 years when H first acted out physically. The company that he worked for moved into a building with other offices and that is where he had his first emotional affair to a married woman. I had no clue until the day he came home and told me he was leaving me for this woman. I, of course, got very upset and started breaking our new furnishings and he begged me to stop and promised to receive counseling through his church to resolve our problems. I did call this other woman’s husband to let him in on their plan to run away together. That ended that relationship with this married woman.

From the beginning, H had problems P &M and always lied about it. At first I tried watching Porn with him and it wasn’t for me. It didn’t’ matter if I didn’t feel comfortable with it because he would say that I didn’t have a sex drive and it was my fault. I always believed him because I had never been with anyone else and thought his words were true. For our 10th wedding anniversary, I got him a stripper hoping to please him. He seemed embarrassed but nothing changed. At this point, I went to my closest family members asking for advice and they told me to put up with it. So I did really not knowing what to do.

It wasn’t until I got pregnant with my 1st child that I wanted him to stop permanently. He said he would and I caught him watching a movie at his office when I was only 3 months along. I was devastated but stayed because I was pregnant. This game of “I’ll stop” went on for years and through another pregnancy and an adoption. He always looked so ashamed when caught and would apologize. But how stupid was I to bring all of these children into this world with someone who was a proven liar? At the time I thought I didn’t know any better but I know now that I wasn’t seeking my truth and placing appropriate boundaries. I do blame myself for not being proactive in putting an end to this craziness. I do not want be a victim.

Three years ago we moved across the country with a hope of a new start. We lived here for about a year when H demanded that we go to marriage counseling and in the first session he told the counselor, with whom we have never met, MY whole life story. That I wasn’t a good wife, a good mother, a good person, a good sex partner and I was unappreciative of everything he has ever done in our marriage. Also, he said that my negativity had pushed everyone away and had done damage to our kids. I WAS dumbfounded of the things he was saying to this counselor because he had never once brought any of this to my attention. I left there feeling numb, sad and angry. Then a few days later, he asked me to add texting to our cell phone plan and that is when I saw the texts, the called numbers, the texted photos He was sexting three women and with one he was having an emotional affair. So yeah, that’s great. The information hurled at me at the marriage counselors office and now this. Three women, huh? Wow.
The third counseling session was even more colorful as I found out that H has been talking to my mother and sister behind my back about my faults for the last ten years. He didn’t want to hurt my feelings as he says so he complained to them. MY family listened and commiserated because they didn’t want hurt my feelings either but they should of told him to man up and talk to your wife. I found this bit of information out while H and I were having a fight about his acting out and he threw this tidbit of information out as a revenge tactic. I quickly called my mother and sister to confirm this information as I could not believe this to be true. They both confirmed that this was the truth. I asked WHY would you do that to me?? They responded that it was easier to listen to him than tell me the truth. The truth of what, I asked? Only then they didn’t have anything to say to me. They don’t want to get involved they say. Well, I say, “Too late”. {This is still painful to me but I have learned a lot about boundaries from this situation and how relationships should work.}
H still is sticking to his story that all he did was send texts to these married women and had no physical sex with any of them. He says he has a boundary in his head when it comes to physical sex and he can stop himself when it got to that point… um, yeah, sure.
I still don’t know the truth about that one. The counselor said that I had no right to see the text(s) as she didn’t see the point. When all of this was unfolding, I was too numb to argue but now wish I was stronger in demanding to see the context of these messages. This would later play a role as three months later I found a work email he had sent to one of the married women that he was sexting. The email stated “I can’t stop thinking about you” and this was supposedly after he said that everything was over between them. I was devastated again. No sex, huh? He still vehemently says there was no physical sex but that he did engage in fantasy with this woman as they were going to run away together and that was all there was to it. I asked why he didn’t run away with her and he replied that he knew that wasn’t the answer to his problems. NONE of this makes sense as we have kids, this married woman has kids, and how they were going to run away is beyond me.
Throughout this mess, I did reach out for support from my family (this was before knowing about how H was going to them and taking about me) and they told me to “suck” it up and stop making a fuss over this. It wasn’t good for the kids, they said. I just love supportive families!

H and I went another counselor who told us to watch Porn and relax. No thanks, next!

H and I were still fighting constantly and at this point it was affecting my children so I put a stop to it immediately by engaging in his addiction to quiet the household. I now know this was a “control” issue on my part and I thought that I would show him what a good sex partner I can be after years of telling me that it was my fault that we didn’t have a good sex life. We had sex every day and sometimes twice a day. I tried new things and stuffed my feelings down because for once I was keeping his attention and he was a nicer guy to be around. I stopped acting out with him after repeated UTI’s and realized what I was doing was wrong and this is not how I want to live my life. After stopping the sex craziness I offered him a normal sex life. He was not satisfied with this and I quickly became uninterested in sex at all knowing that our lives were out of control. This is when I found RN. I told H about RN and how it has helped me to understand his actions and asked him to read the introduction page. He spent about an hour looking at the site and now he was no interest at all. He still blames me for the not having a healthy sex life and does not communicate with me. He tells me one moment that he loves me and then the next how he lives in a loveless marriage. He is a black and white thinker when it comes to our marriage. He actually believes in fairytale endings and thinks that he is a very giving guy and truly doesn’t understand why things have turned out like they have. I have offered to do the once-a-week meeting to see where we are both at and it always ends in blame. I think I represent every emotion on the planet at the moment….

I did it, I posted about the good, the bad and the ugly. The shame and the relief of it all is out for the world to see. The above is my life and I see sadness, wastefulness and goodness. I have to claim it and make my own world now. I can do this. I am brave. I am worthy.

Courage is happiness....

Hi BraveGirl,

Welcome to RN, I'm glad you found us. The partners workshop is a great way to regain your balance and navigate your way through the circumstances you find yourself in. The workshop lessons are self-paced, but a mentor will try to check in occasionally.



I believe that opening up about it is one of the hardest things to do. Once its out there, you might as well tackle it right?

Take care
Starry

Hi Bravegirl,
Welcome. It sucks that any of us have/need to be here. But, after each of our D-day(s), this is a great place to start to make some sense of the trauma, begin to pick up the pieces & grow toward health. Do the lessons, they will help. And welcome to our community. We are survivors & friends.
It's hard to have to realize & accept this betrayal & trauma, but you are not alone. It's so important that you take care of you!! And we are here for you. Welcome.

Thank you for the welcome, Starry and Awake1. I appreciate it-

Values Inventory with my Vision

Living wholeheartedly + doer + love life with active values in place = LIVIN’ LIFE!
**wholeheartedly= courage to live truthfully, being connected, choosing vulnerability**

[*]I am aware of my Health and how nutrition affects my body. I have always been an anxious person so this is key to bringing calmness to my nervous system. This will ensure clear-mindedness so I can stay connected.

[*]I see myself working on being a Spiritual person. I need to find some answers. I have been attached to one religious faith since I was little and then a couple of years ago, I stopped attending this church. This left me spiritually bankrupt. This value is a must because I can't live up to my other values if this one isn't straightened out. Also, I want to hold Faithfulness as a core value because this ensures that I am on track and accountable.

[*]I see myself being loving. I see this value as something I have neglected in the past. I am my own worst critic along with the harshness of what has happened within my marriage. I will be mindful to apply this value to myself and to those around me.

[*]I see myself as being loved. I do not want to lose my sexuality or intimacy. This is still a work in progress as trust has to be renewed. I do understand that vulnerability is essential for this to happen.

[*]I am a nurturer- which is close to giving love, but I want to extend this value to not only people but to things around me.

[*]I am Grateful for all of the beautiful things that has happened to me. This includes things that have forced me to grow and step up. I read a blog that calls life "Bruitful.
She says, “Life is brutal. But it’s also beautiful. Brutiful, I call it. Life’s brutal and beautiful are woven together so tightly that they can’t be separated. Reject the brutal, reject the beauty. So now I embrace both, and I live well and hard and real.” This makes sense to me because life isn't easy, but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t beauty to be found in some form or another. Gratitude is the ground foundation for my other values.

[*]I KNOW that I am brave. I have been through hell and back and I am still standing. This value will need to be a constant in the near future as I have to step up and carve out a separate life for myself. I will be a doer instead of freezing in fear. In doing so, I will feel secure and know that I will have Credibility. I want to feel proud at the end of my life and know that I have done my best.

[*]I am a MOM and I am going to be a great role model. I am accountable to my children. This means doing the right thing with regards with their father without resentment. And, yes, I had to work on this because my instinct with this mess was to end the relationship. But in reality, I will always have a relationship with H because of our kids so I have to make it positive.

[*]Tradition: I would like to start building positive memories with my children. Something to call my own and have good memories!

[*]Resolution is much needed in my life. I want to have the capability to do so without screaming for help first. I am learning to be adaptable. I am learning to be capable. I am learning to Resourceful.

[*]I am a truth-seeker. I never want to fool myself into thinking that things are healthy when they are not. This is scary because it forces you to make a change when needed, but it also keeps you honest.

[*]I see myself as being Decision-maker. I am going to trust my gut and know that I am doing the right thing. I have always felt confusion when making decisions whether they are big or small. Tranquility is what I want to feel when evaluating the situation and making the final decision.

[*]Balance is the key to making sure everything is flowing and to stay consistent.

[*]I am generous with my time and money. I see myself having everything I need and freely giving to those in need. I want to make a contribution to the world by raising well-rounded children that will respect who they are and what they stand for by their own values and vision. Altruism; helper; Compassion; Empathy; these values come easily to me, but during these dark days I stuffed them down so far that I didn’t feel them any longer. I see myself living with generosity and full of heart.

[*]Laughter will inspire my Creativity which increases my enjoyment and contentment. I see myself incorporating silliness in my routine and letting my hair down. Don’t they say that “laughter is the best medicine?”

If I ingrain these values into my life, then I will achieve Personal Growth and a sense of Purpose. That is my vision.

Double Post

Hi Bravegirl,

A great job with your vision
It is powerful, concrete and personally unique.

I very much recommend that you print this out and carry it with you. This vision will guide you throughout your healing journey when you are facing difficult choices and will ground you with strength and light, when you are feeling overwhelmed by darker emotions.

Minerva

Thank you Minerva. That is a great idea and I will do that.

Stage One; Lesson Three

A) Brainstorm the times when your 'gut feelings' have been right about your partner's sexual and/or romantic behavior. Include times when you feel strongly that you were right (though it may never have been proven either way).

I have always known when he was lying about his use of P & M and it got to the point where I stopped asking him if he was still doing it. As far as his affairs goes, I'm still not sure if he had any physical contact with them as he says it was an emotional affairs, but I highly suspect that there was more to it than what he says. I even knew something was wrong when he started sexting because suddenly he was attached to his phone and taking it to the bathroom a lot. Even today, he has a lock on his phone and will not give the password to anyone.

B) Identify as many major situations as you can where you allowed your head/heart to override your 'gut feelings' in relation to your partner's behavior.

My whole entire marriage I have thrown that "gut" feeling aside to do the right thing according to my religious views (no divorce) and what I was taught from my parents. Even up to the point where I hired "stripper" for our 10th wedding anniversary! I was still stuck in the thought of "I was doing something wrong" and even my closest family members supported that even though I complained about his behavior. I don't think anyone knew better or what to

C) Relying on the experience you have gained, make a list of likely behaviors, situations and/or feelings that may trigger a conflict between your gut instinct, your value system and/or reality

Anything to do with his workplace because where he was acting out with three women:

• when I call his work number and no one can find him anywhere at his work place

• or he tells me of conversations that he had with female coworkers that involves personal issues either with their lives or his life/marriage

• when he gets on the computer at all

• any social media website that gives him a chance for secrecy ( NEW-as of this week after we discussed it and we both knew it was a bad idea but he let his teenage son sign him up with an account)

• takes his phone to the bathroom or to bed

• gets aggressive with me or the kids

Stage One; Lesson Four

Exercise Four
1) Make a list of those values in your partner's life that--in your gut--you believe is a part of him. Set aside the addiction and the behaviors that were a part of that addiction. Focus on what values you believe will survive the recovery process. Post these in your Healing Thread. If there is a time when you are feeling close to your partner, share these thoughts with him--so that he knows that you are beginning to separate the addiction from his core identity.

-Good person
-Good Father
-Thoughtful
-Decent* Morals
-Smart
-Creative

2) Make a list of those qualities in your partner that you believe will continue to pose as obstacles throughout your relationship.
Black and white thinking

-He lives in his boxes and shuts down emotionally
-Expectations that he doesn’t share and wonders why they aren’t happening
-Holds his feelings in and then has resentment towards me
-Has to be the good guy all the time
-He isn’t open to choices/options
-Poor decision maker
-Some of his parenting skills
-Stubborn
-Passive Aggressive
-Selfish


It saddens me that I have more dislikes than likes and I am not sure what that means...

Stage One; Lesson Five
Addiction is a rational way to manage life using irrational behavior. Meaning, there is a very logical purpose for the existence of addiction in a person's life. Though to all, the actions/choices associated with that addiction are often completely irrational.

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress?

I have an anxiety disorder that started when I was a child and worsened when I was a teenager. My parents did not know how to help me other than telling to stop feeling the anxiety and get over it. As an adult, I have gone to therapy and tried different things to understand this disorder and seek treatment.
My SAH says that my anxiety is one of the reasons he choose to act out and for years I believed him. The other day we got into an argument and he compared his affair to my anxiety saying “they are the same.” I was instantly angry when he said that but after calming down, I thought about his theory. My anxiety IS similar to his addiction in the sense that it is ingrained into my personality, changes my way of thinking and also results from not being able to balance my emotions. This started when I was young so this makes sense. But the difference is that I have never hidden nor lied about my anxiety to him or anyone else. I have sought treatment and lived a full life despite having the “fear of fear.” After our argument, I put up a boundary stating that he cannot speak about my anxiety in a cruel way. I obviously recognize that it has affected our marriage and therefore he may discuss it in a healthy way.

Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

In 2009, we lost our business and moved to find a better future for our family. It did not get better financially and I started to zone out of my life because losing everything was very hard to deal with. It was an awful time.


B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

Other than my anxiety, I don’t have a specific behavior that will helps me deal with life. I indulge in an occasional treat or watch a TV show, but that’s about it.

C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

-Eat
-Watch TV
-Work

Stage One; Lesson Six
Understanding the sexualized mind will go a long way in allowing you to better relate to what you are currently experiencing. The more objective insights and awareness that you develop; the stronger will be your ability to maintain confidence and control in your life. And, the faster it will be achieved.

A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.
Done- VERY disturbing

B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.

-He has always told me that he has a high sex drive as if it was a warning
-His way of flirting was to come up behind me and act like we were having sex or bending over he would come up behind me to simulate having sex
-He is definitely a butt smacker and would jokingly hold me down and say sexual things to me
-Scanning: I never caught him doing that, but when I glance at him to see if he is looking, he avoids my eyes every time.

C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?

-Objectification: Yes to an extent

-Immediate Gratification: Yes, because when he has the big affair, he chose his emotional needs over our family. He was feeling lonely so instead of coming to me and talking it out, he chose to seek someone else out to tell him how great he is. I still see this trait today.

-All or Nothing: I am not sure about this one. He lives in his boxes and everything has to be compartmentalized for him to cope.

I am having a hard time talking about him at all. His actions and words were so hurtful to me and I let his lies seep inside my head. I am not just talking about his SA, but the things he said to me right before his affairs at work. Also, things that led up to up to me putting my foot down about his SA. I know it was total blameshifting, but in retrospect, some of his complaints were true of my flaws and I took them to heart and changed them. My problem is HOW he choose to tell me. It was spiteful and humilating especially in front of someone I have never met before (a counselor on the first visit) and when I didn't know he felt that way at all. I felt exposed and unable to defend myself and this left me wanting to curl up in a ball and never wanting to see the light of day again. I also can't get passed the fact that this spiteful talk went behind my back with my closest family members and because of what he did, my relationship with these two people has changed forever. I have tried to reconnect with them and have placed boundries on our new relationship, but it isn't easy. I resent the fact that H did that. I resent the fact that he couldn't speak to me first although he claims that he tried. I loved him and trusted him even when he was watching P & M'ing. I ignored the warning bells inside my head because I thought that is what sacfrices is all about in a marriage. But now everything has changed for me. I do not trust him with my feelings at all. I am all for being vulnerable and transparent, but his past actions has shown me that he is not to be trusted. I am trying to rebuild myself up and be the person of my vision.

We are more distant than ever. He has totally back tracked on everything that has happened leaving me to feel stupid. I know the truth, but the fact that we can't even discuss addiction at all is sad to me. In fact, we can't discuss anything at all because I feel afraid that he blame me. In the past, I would go to him and felt like I could talk about anything, but now I don't feel that way. He has never come to me to discuss anything except things that went on at work and how great he is. But nothing that would include our relationship except that I suck as a sexual partner.

We don't parent the same. He is the softie and is friends with our kids and I am trying to add structure and am the bad guy. I worry about the kids through out this ordeal. I dont know what is best for them as far as us staying together or not. We can't afford to live apart financially so I stay and shut my mouth. But things are so tense in the house and I struggle everyday with sadness. I am far away from my home where I grew up, and of course, H loves it here so that is another negative he places on me.

I want these lies to go away. I don't even recognize him anymore. I want some peace and resolution.

Stage One; Lesson Seven

A.Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:

I.Effective communication

Our communication has been horrible. He was getting pushy with me so I told him that I needed time to recover and to discover myself. He granted me that time. BUT since then, he has distanced himself from me too. When he does this, I can tell what direction he’s heading (duh!) and I keep my mouth shut in fear that he will blame shift and start telling me what a bad person I am. If he was to read this, he would deny all of it. He would tell me that he doesn’t do that and I blow everything up out of proportion.
This past week, I have been feeling stuck with my feelings about our relationship and decided to be brave and ask him for a check-in. He has not responded with any kind of words, just grunts and nods his head. Last night, I specifically asked him to go for a ride to talk (because our kids were home) and he said, “I don’t feel like it”. Okay, then…

II.Managing your partner's recovery

I haven’t played any role in his recovery because he isn’t in recovery. He does not believe that he has an addiction . If I bring up P &M, he gets angry and so it doesn’t make sense to go there.

III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health

B.Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?

I am the only one responsible for my recovery. There isn’t a soul on this planet that understands what has happened to me over the years of my marriage. I talk kind words to myself to get through the day. I have no choice but to recover as this is my only option of being a whole person, a loving person, and a good mother. This is a must.

C.(optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?

I am waiting for now. There are financial reasons that I must consider for myself and my children.