Recovery Nation

Last week, one of DH's co-workers committed suicide. He was also one of DH's only friends. DH has been understandably upset by this. Due to the rotating schedule, the funeral was delayed and is set for tomorrow evening. Their employer is letting the entire crew out early so that they can attend. DH is attending. I asked him if he would like me to go with him for the support. He immediately said no - no hesitation, no explanation or excuse, just no

The more I think about this, the more I am beginning to wonder.... For weeks, I have been hearing from him that I do not support him enough. When I offered to go with him, it was a free will offering of compassion. Now, I am wondering WHY doesn't he want me to go?

I think there are several "seemingly unrelated" things that are contributing to my suspicions:
1. For the last 11 years, DH has always left an hour or more before his shift starts. I assumed it took about 40 minutes to get to work which would leave about 15 minutes or so to put his stuff in his locker, get a cup of coffee etc.. Always seemed reasonable to me.... Except, 2weeks ago, one of the twins got a summer job at DH's work and they are working opposite shifts. Which means I have had to drive our son there and or pick him up several times now... No matter the time of day or night, the one way trip has taken about 25 minutes, 30 minutes max... My son only needs 15 minutes max before his shift starts... Why does DH need 30+ minutes before his shift?

2. On a monday afternoon at the beginning of May, I received a call on my cell phone from a strange woman asking for DH. I said he wasn't available, could I take a message. She said to have him call Jamie and he knew her number... I confronted him when he got home...with an amused grin on his face, he said, "Jamie...Jamie, Jamie, Jamie... I don't know any Jamie that I can recall".

I was immediately suspicious for 4 reasons: a) the previous Friday night, DH had out of the blue thanked me for getting him help before his SA escalated and it had been on the verge of escalating...we had not previously discussed escalation...b) our cell phone numbers are identical except for the very last digit. c) he was not supposed to work that day. His supervisor had called over the weekend to ask if he'd like some overtime. d). The amused grin!! He did not get upset that night for me questioning him or for not trusting him. But, he has taken every opportunity since to dramatize how much it hurts him that I do not trust him...

3. About the same time as the call from Jamie, his cell phone data downloads skyrocketed. I'm talking prior months had a maximum of 10 instances of data download. In the month of may, he had just under 300 instances of data download. And this from the man who says he is afraid of the Internet and doesn't know how to use email ,doesn't play games on his phone, etc... His data usage for May was higher than mine for the first time ever, not as high as the kids, but still... I have looked on his phone but can't find anything at all that would explain his data download...

I am considering going to the funeral anyway... And in my gut, I am afraid of what I am going to find. But at least he won't be able to say I do not support him...

Any thoughts, or advice?

Aphi,
I know I would feel hurt if my husband had said that to me. And would likely get my suspicions up. I have the same situation with our cell phones with my number being 1 digit off of his and I got a similar call years ago. To this day he still swears it was a wrong number asking for him by name. But that seems very unlikely really. I say if it something seems unlikely, it probably is unlikely. I say go with what makes sense, no matter how he tries to explain it.

I say go with your gut instinct on what to do. One thing I know for me, is I am starting to really do things that are in my best interest. It feels foreign really to me to act that way because I am the kind of person that wants to help those I love. But I think the best thing for me to do is take care of myself especially in relation to my husband. Which for me often means removing myself from situations where he can hurt me again.

As for going to the funeral, I think I would ask myself what is important about going. I think I would try to avoid going just to prove you are supportive or to find something out. But that said, I also understand wanting to know the truth. I will say though, that one thing I am learning I have to do is trust myself and my impressions of what is going on. I know how crazy making it feels though.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.

The suicide of a close friend is devastating. I understand your wanting to show support. Yet, if your H doesn't want you there, I don't think you should spin your wheels trying to figure it out. Examine your true motivation here - I agree with Autumn Rose, attend for the right reason which is to show support, if you chose to attend.

Your detective work, although you want the truth, will impact your own healing - robs you of focus and energy, from my perspective.

Nellie.

Well Autumn Rose and Nellie,

You have both confirmed what I was beginning to think myself: if I went to the funeral tonight, it would not be for the free will offering of compassion as when I originally made the offer. It would be more of an investigative effort and or a you cannot say I don't support you gesture. I am not going to go. I texted him at work and asked him again if he was sure he didn't want me to go. He texted back thanks for the concern but he will be fine without me there. Well, that is that.

It does not stop me from wondering why he doesn't want me there though... Of all times, I myself would want the support at a funeral for a friend who died unexpectedly, suicide or not... He repeatedly throws it in my face that he thinks I don't support him enough, but when I offer, he rejects, then denies that he rejects. I am so tired of the contradictions. And when the accusations, etc start, I just freeze up and can't respond, can't defend myself immediately in the heat of the moment. I guess that was part of the motivation in considering going, to show him unequivocally that I do try to support him, kind of a defense mechanism.

Thank you Autumn Rose and Nellie. Your support and words of caution and wisdom mean a lot!
May you both have a wonderful weekend

Hmmm. Change of perspective....by honoring his choice/decision that you not attend, you are supporting his request which is also supporting him. Perhaps, this is not a contradiction...don't lose sleep over it.
Don't try to defend yourself. There's nothing you can say or do that will make sense to him. He's projecting his own emotions onto you and by doing so, he's showing you his own insecurities. How do you feel when the accusations start? You say you freeze up. Focus on that instead of what he is doing or saying. Use a feeling statement....I feel __________________when you __________________. It's not an argument to win. It's about being heard in terms of how you feel.

Hope this helps.\
Nellie