Recovery Nation

I have a question/issue that I am having with communication.

My husband is working with a therapist, going to group meetings, has a sponsor and is going to 3 SA meetings a week. He is doing everything he needs to do for himself. I try to be supportive of his efforts.

Our agreement, for now is, we will support each other as we recover as individuals, him from his addiction and me from the fallout from his addiction.

My issue is, we are still together, living in the same house, not as a married couple, but more like room mates or friends. I am struggling through the betrayal, the lack of trust and the ground zero that was once my life. His immaturity and selfishness got us here and now he has to focus on his health and his recovery and the hell with everything else until he is better. So, his self-centered life continues. Out of the house 3 nights a week, which increases my anxiety and lack of trust. The secrecy continues in a world I have no place in. He was having dinner with his group members the other night at a local restaurant and I was walking by and knew I could not go in. It hit me hard that I had no place in that world, no right to go in and join my husband.

He is feeling hopeful and I am feeling hopeless. I love and care for him, but I am not "in love" with him and his "I love you"s fall to the floor, I am numb. We are in totally different places and I don't want to drag him down and then other days I feel guilty like I am wallowing in self-pity.

Any suggestions on where to focus or how to get past this would be appreciated. I am 3 months from DD and feel like I want to runaway or wake up and have my life back. I feel like I have lost myself in this process. I used to be so self confidant, strong and independant. I am trying to put myself first and heal...but I miss my marriage and having a partner.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Hi, Ease My Troubles,

Your pain is so apparent... my heart goes out to you. You did well coming here to share !



I understand exactly how you feel. I used to feel the same way three months after Dday. I sincerely believe this is still very early in the process, so the feeling "numb" (not "in love") is something that seems absolutely normal to me.

And I don't think that three months after Dday, your sadness means you're wallowing in self-pity, as you're healing from a very recent and very traumatic shock.

To be honest, I have felt numb until very recently. And I've been wallowing in self-pity all day (and I'm 8 months past Dday !).



I can relate to that as well. I have come to accept that a lot of the emotional connexion I needed, I would not get from my partner, for the time being. He is not in a place where he is able to give me that.

It is hard because you don't want to "sacrifice" too much of yourself - and of your needs - either. Have you shared the fact that you feel a little excluded, with your husband ? Have you thought about ways of reconnecting with him the other four nights a week that you have left ?

Personally, I realize that until very recently, I was too focused on the time we didn't spend together ; or on everything he was doing wrong ; or on the many times and many ways he "made me" feel excluded (all the while rejecting him).

I didn't think of the ways I could make the relationship better because I felt he owed it to me - to us - to take it upon himself to do that. I felt he owed me. I was hurting too much. I believe I even felt (in a way) that it was his responsibility to "make me feel better" about what he had done ; and I wasn't taking responsibility to heal myself (partly, but not completely). I believe I was still waiting for him to take action, hoping he would recover miraculously and thus end this nightmare ; or expecting him to heal me and support me ; or at least to make me feel included.

Now I have stepped back ; I have taken full responsibility for myself ; and have started doing some serious work on my healing ; and the unexpected consequence is that instead of feeling further apart, focusing on myself has made me grow closer to him. Now I don't reject him so much and I try to be more open.

Another thing Dday made me realize, is that I had been focusing too much on my partner during all the years we were together. He was my main emotional resource... but it was too much. I would rely on him to fill perhaps 80% of my emotional needs.

After Dday, I have found it pleasant to derive emotional pleasure from other activities, especially from connecting with other people. If my partner gets to a place where he can share again, I'll gladly welcome him. Then I will have 150% of my emotional needs met... that will be great ! But until then, I won't starve to death : I need emotional nourishment. And so I am working on letting other people in, and reaching out to other people, to reestablish balance.



This is a behaviour I find problematic as well, and struggle with a lot. Under the guise of privacy, my partner doesn't share the work he does with his therapists. I don't believe this is healthy at all and have made this clear to him. For me, a healthy recovery means knowing how to include your partner.

Have you shared these expectations with your husband ?

Take care, Ease My Troubles. You're not alone in this.

Overtherainbow...

I can not thank you enough for taking the time to answer me. When I say that DD was 3 months ago, I am shocked and amazed because it feels like yesterday and years ago all at the same time.

I am going to start exercising and taking care of myself. Since DD, I have been eating my feelings and have gained about 20 lbs. Enough! I am going to go back to Weight Watcher on the nights he is away. I deserved better from him and I deserve better treatment from myself too.

I was the same way before DD, he was my best and only friend, we did everything together and I got 90% of my emotional needs from him. I joined a book club and I joined a food and wine club that he and I can go to together. I need to meet new people and reconnect with friends.

Thanks so much for understanding and caring enough to reach out.

EMT

Dear easemytroubles –

I am sorry you are experiencing so much pain and that you have to go through this.

Overtherainbow had some excellent advice and she is right – 3 months is not long at all. How you are feeling is totally normal. I remember just wanting to run away too


How you feel is how you feel - there are no “suppose to’s” in any of this. Your healing will be a long and often bumpy road, but it is possible. There will be days that you feel strong and sure of yourself and then there will be other days that it’s tough to get out of bed. Take one day at a time, turn your attention from him and concentrate on you. What’s best for you and only you.

I remember Jon wrote somewhere that he felt that healing was harder than recovering – I think we all would agree with that one! But, just because it’s difficult, doesn’t mean it’s not doable. Give yourself time. After a trauma such as you have experienced, it’s normal to be confused and unsure of where to go, what to do and who you are. So, as you work on your lessons, take baby steps, but keep moving forward. If you don’t have anyone to talk to about this yet, post here so that you don’t feel alone. Everyone here has been through the same thing, or something very similar. We all care and want to see you heal and become that self-confident, strong and independent woman again.
And you can.


This is perfect! To supply our own emotional needs and to realize that what others give us is just “in addition” to what we already have! This will come in time easemytroubles. I would suggest, in addition to your lessons, that you might want to begin your day with positive affirmations about yourself. Write them down and carry them with you, so you can be reminded of just how unique and wonderful you are!

Again, I am so sorry for you pain. Please know you are in my thoughts tonight and I’m sending you hugs.
itfm

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

Ease My Troubles,

It’s my pleasure. Not only do these exchanges help us feel less lonely on the one hand, and exchange precious information on the other hand. They also help us reflect on our own situations, and this is very valuable as well.

Also, just to let you know : yesterday night, with my partner, we had a short communication that you suggested (the questions you practise with your husband every night before going to bed). It went well. So you can see you’ve made a difference in my life too !



Same here. It's like time has frozen on Dday. Classical trauma reaction. I believe this will subside in time. It has a little, already, as I don't feel the same rawness I did in the very early stages. Yet time is still suspended ; and I believe a huge part of healing will be to start living our lives again as a whole, not as bits and chunks of life (after Dday#1, before Dday#2, etc.).



Itstimeforme,

Thanks a lot for your encouragement. I have to admit I’m not there yet but I know it’s the way to go and hopefully I’ll get there soon !

Take care, Ease My Troubles, and don’t hesitate to post : it makes us all feel better to try and make each other feel better.

Thank you both. Sharing the burden does make it lighter.

I am so glad that you were able to use the communication tool to help get a conversation going. Some nights we have very little to say other than to check in and let each other know how our day went. Other days we talk about a lot of things that have to do with his addiction and how I am feeling. Some days I just want to roll over and go to sleep and not think about it. It all evens out in the end.

Baby steps forward has been my mantra. As long as I progress daily, no matter how small, it is still progress. On the days I am having difficulty, I read the lessons in the forum and I love the idea of the daily affirmations. I will definitely come here and post my feelings, because this has helped so much.

Today is going to be a better day.

I am catching up on the forum this weekend and just wanted to say I totally understand Ease my troubles. It took me what seemed like forever to feel like the ground under me had stopped shaking. These are traumatic events and take time and energy to heal. I think that is why it feels like time has frozen for awhile, because our system knows we need to heal what just happened to us. Slowly but surely we can come out of it stronger, wiser, and healthier than before.

I am curious about the questions that overtherainbow mentioned. Would you mind reposting them as I don't see them on this thread.

Glad you posted and shared.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.

Wonderful words of wisdom and advice and validation from Overtherainblow, and Itstimefor me and Autumnrose! The only thing I would add is more of a reminder. Re-visit the vision you wrote (lesson #2), revise and refine if necessary but plug in those nuts and bolts practical activities to make it happen. You mentioned exersizing and returning to Weight Watchers - Change the focus to taking care of YOU and following the roadmap your vision has provided.

Somewhere on RN (years ago now), I read that recovery and healing are somewhat selfish in nature. At the time, I reacted - what!? But it is true. It's OK for you to put all of your energy toward yourself and healing. I'm not saying to isolate yourself or abandon him, but this is a time and opportunity for self-empowerment. A healthy emotional connection with your partner will come later when you are both healthier. I am an advocate of finding your JOY - it's one of my key values. I highly recommend it.

Also, know that this is a journey and your healing process will be unique to you. There is no time constraint, no one-size-fits all. Three months may feel like yesterday, and in a way it is. Give yourself the gift of patience.

Hope this helps.
Nellie James

I reacted the same way. When I began this journay doing it alone was the last thing I wanted. But Nellie's words are so right on - it is not only ok, it is imparative that you put all of your energy toward yourself and your own healing. No one will heal you but you.



I understand how in the beginning, finding JOY can seem almost impossible. I know it was for me. But, again, as Nellie so wisely recommended, finding your Joy is also about taking the focus off of him and putting onto yourself. If you stop and really think about finding YOUR JOY, and center your thoughts on you, other thoughts cannot intrude. It takes practice and it takes time, but you or anyone, can make it happen.

Thank you for Nellie. You were missed

_________________
"The past has no power to stop you from being present now. Only your grievance about the past can do that. And what is a grievance? The baggage of old thought and emotion." - Eckhart Tolle A New Earth

Hi Autumnrose,



These are the questions Ease My Troubles shared with me :

Couples communication

Ask daily

Are there any questions you have for me ?
Have I listened to you today?
Have I hurt you today?
Have I been attentive, respectful, forthcoming, understanding,
loving?
Is there anything you need me to do today?

Take care.

Good list. My H and did something similar with our nightly dyads which required that we sit knee to knee, eye to eye with a 3 minute egg timer for talking an listening - no questions. At the end of our dyad exchange, which was limited to about 20 minutes, we each thanked the other for something they had done that day being very specific about what it was. Over time, we worked our way up from gentle topics to harder ones as our communication skills and level of comfort got better. We came to look forward to this nightly exchange even when the topics were hard. We saved the really tough discussions for a separate once a week discussion each Sunday with a format and rules in place for that, too. We discovered that we each had our communication obstacles. There's a great lesson on that in the Couples Workshop.

Nellie

Thank you for posting these. I appreciate it.

_________________

"What day is it,?" asked Pooh.
"It's today," squeaked Piglet.
"My favorite day," said Pooh.

I have been making progress since this post. I was in a very dark place and appreciate that this forum is here to share. Thank you all for your support and comments.

I hit a milestone this Saturday...I actually said the words, "I forgive you." to my husband. I had to let go of it. For me.

I have been struggling with saying those words, but even moreso with MEANING it.

I feel so much better and I am now clear to heal. I can actually breathe and I have some hope...not much, but some!

I finally feel like I can move forward in my personal journey. What the future holds for us as a couple, not sure as of now, but I do know and I am sure that I am going to be OK!

Hi Ease My Troubles,
This is such great news !
Congratulations on this milestone.
I'm sure you'll reach many more in your healing journey.
I know how good it feels when we feel a weight suddenly lifting off of our shoulders, usually after days and days of intense effort with no hope of relief in sight. You are finally feeling the relief you deserve so much ! And the hope !
That's a great shift !
Enjoy it as much as you can !
Take care.

Thank you so much OTR! I am going to ride this wave for as long as I can.