Recovery Nation

Well yesterday my husband sent me an email (he is still too ashamed to talk to me face to face about it)and in it he told me of past incidents that I was unable to explain at the time and hadn't actually realized even now that I know. So that was interesting to say the least. He was pretty brief and I think he may still be holding back some things but that's okay for now. I'm just relieved he finally told me in the past the only way I have ever known what was going on was when I would find something. And then after I was aware of this addiction I gained like a sixth sense for it. I could tell if he was hitting those sites just by talking to him over the phone while I was at work and if I came home I could just feel him pulling away from me. Has anyone else ever experienced this? I find it to be uncanny I'm right like 100% of the time. It's strange how his addiction has changed me for the most part I hate how it has changed me. To have to share in his shame and guilt it's nothing I've ever known before I hate it. I know he is making a sincere effort right now but I am still filled with such sadness and loss. Loss for the life we should've had together. We are not able to have kids my husband is sterile and I just can't help but feel robbed. I could've been with someone who would've (well maybe) been honest with me and had children and a normal life. Not a lie. I love him sooo much we have been married for 13 years, were together as kids(like 13 or 14 years old)then apart as very good friends and then found each other again after H.S. But we were each others first kiss we were meant to be together. Why did he have to grow up viewing porn his whole life? He told me the first time he viewed it he was only 8. I can't even imagine. His parents weren't the best and so that's how he vented. I don't know what point I am trying to get at just rambling, I guess. If anyone's out there listening please let me know I'm not crazy! Thanks, me77

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Inner peace begins the moment you choose not to allow another person or event to control your emotions.
People will hate you, rate you, shake you, and break you. But how strong you stand is what makes you – Unknown.

Hi Me,

I can confirm you are not crazy

If it was me I'm not sure how I'd react to getting an email, but its a start I guess. In the future, he's going to have to be able to speak to you about these things. Part of his journey will be to break down those walls and be open and honest with you face to face.

Feeling "robbed"; I think this is pretty common. I felt robbed of my youth, and to be completely honest, I still feel that a little despite being 2 yrs past d-day and having completed the workshop.

I hope you are treating yourself to something today? Being given details is stressful and can bring a lot of emotions into play, so you have to make sure you look after yourself.

Take care
Starry

Yes, and I believe that I am fortunate to be able to trust my intuition. This could only happen once I got that I really could trust my intuition.This could only happen when I stopped doubting myself and stopped putting more value in his words over what I saw happening in reality, evidenced by his actions, and evidenced by the dissonance this created in me. Ultimately, I was acting against my values, taking him at his word when deep down, I knew better--I just wasn’t ready to face it then. I guess what I am saying is that you are not crazy, and it is a gift that you are so in tune to the subtleties of behaviour and demeanour; that you know that you can trust your intuition.
Be well.

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First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Hi Me77,

You and I have a very similar story. I do have two kids though which makes this even harder for me.

I first saw my husband when I was 14 and we started dating when I was 17. We have also been married for 13 years and I just found out about his porm and masturbation addiction two months ago, he didn't tell me I found it on the computer after looking for answers to why our marriage was so screwed up and had been for so long.

I also feel robbed and it is a terrible feeling. All the doubt and what ifs, makes me crazy.

I think I was the first girl my husband really kissed and am the first girl he slept with and I too thought we were made for each other and meant to be together. We like the same things, I thought we had the same values (he pretended obviously) and goals in life.

If you need someone to chat to I will be here:)

Hugs,

Lost