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 Post subject: Retaliation/Acting Out
PostPosted: Tue Dec 17, 2019 5:56 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:10 pm
Posts: 4
This is uncomfortable for me to ask but I need to find out if my behavior is abnormal for a partner. After the first "d" day 3 years ago I began obsessing over what my partner had been doing, was still doing. His main addiction involves online sex through Tinder, Craigslist Personals, Adult Friend Finder, Whisper, KIK, etc. I was logging into his accounts and creating my own accounts to keep tabs on him but also to try and answer the questions he refused to be honest about. In my need to understand why he did these things and what he was experiencing, I found myself doing the very things I was so disgusted by. I was forming online relationships with men that were inappropriate and based on sexual conversations, picture sharing, etc. It made my SA crazy and gave me a feeling of empowerment at a time when I felt a total loss of control over my life. As time went by I was not only engaging online but also began participating in swinger groups and web camming with my SA and other men and couples. I even did these things by myself when we were broken up/separated.

I don't feel good about this, and it definately conflicts with my values and my vision for my life and my relationship. I am confused about whether this is another consequence/common reaction to being in a relationship with an SA or is this a sign that I may have my own issues that would have come up at some point with or without the SA relationship? Has anyone else had a similar experience? Thank you for your feedback.


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2019 9:51 am 
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Partner's Mentor

Joined: Sun Sep 14, 2014 1:34 pm
Posts: 665
HoneyCat - I recommend continuing the lessons. Jon talks about the risk to partners to engage in coping behaviors that can be destructive. Many of us can re-ignite our own addictive or destructive behaviors as we grapple with discovery. I started drinking again to excess. I knew better but I was an emotional mess. It was critical for me to stop and I did, but it took time and a real focus on me and what was best for me.

I understand the desire to "get even." Oh, gosh, I totally understand this. I flirted with doing things that were also against my values, and, in the short term, it felt great. I felt empowered, wanted, valued. It was an illusion, but I was desperate.

I found I had to stop but not beat myself up. It's just a reminder at how traumatizing discovery is for us. What helped me was to focus on me and my well being. Recognizing our values and knowing what values really make us feel better about ourselves helps. In my case, I needed individual therapy with a trauma specialist. I've been working at my healing for about five years and I am past doing risky things.

Be gentle with yourself. Focus on you and what is best for you. Finish the lessons if you have not since they gave me comfort.

dnell


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PostPosted: Wed Dec 18, 2019 6:11 pm 
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Joined: Wed Nov 27, 2019 8:10 pm
Posts: 4
Thank you for responding, I appreciate your words of encouragement. I am on Lesson 3 and feeling calmer in myself already. I will continue to work my way through them. I wish I knew how to find a trauma therapist in my area. I am having trouble.


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