Recovery Nation

Stage One: Beginning Couples' Recovery/Healing
Couple's Self-Help Workshop: Orientation

Exercise One by skrelon
Relationship with my wife
I have neglected and lied to my wife and family and hereby commit to spend more individual time with my wife and not on the computer involved with inappropriate activities nor excessive time playing video games. By limiting my time on the computer and eliminating all my porn time I will have more time to interact positively with her and on our relationship. I have also squandered the majority of my sexual energy and activity involving only myself. I further commit to use my energy, sexual and otherwise, to love and please my wife. I want to live a life of integrity. This is perhaps the most difficult for me since I have always lived a dual life of hiding my sexuality and holding it mostly for myself. I will become transparent to her and have no need to cover up any of my activities.

Physical Health
I have become lazy and neglected my physical well-being and strength. I have been straining my back and other muscles for lack of muscle tone and strength. I'm committing myself to improve my physical health by daily exercising, stretching and then one form of physical activity upon awakening in the morning. I want to eat better and loss weight. I'm committing to include more daily raw vegetables and high quality foods and less fast processed foods. Eating better and exercise should help with my weight issues.

Volunteerism
In my search for ways to be of service I have struggled with how to implement this goal/value. I will use my creative energy to search out friendships, community and opportunities to volunteer. In addition, I will actively look for ways to be of service in the current community, such as asking my neighbors and keeping a look out for opportunities to be of help. I believe that opportunities will present themselves if I focus on looking for them and making myself available to others.

Hobbies
I will learn a healthy, new recipe and prepare it at least once a week. I do all the cooking in our home anyway but I want to research and learn a new recipe each week to provide variety and enjoyment of cooking. Inviting friends and neighbors over to dinner at least once per week. I have neglected dining with others and want to expand my enjoyment of cooking by sharing it with others. I enjoy playing games and cards with others and will look for opportunities to join card clubs and invite others to our home to ensure more involvement with others in my neighborhood. I will start my music lessons, (guitar/piano) and practice as time allows.
Regarding partnership with my wife, several areas are lacking and need to progress for us to become more then roommates;
- Effort towards communication; we have always communicated on different levels and often misunderstand each other
- Developing a partnership again; we're often at odds with each other and uncomfortable
- Enabling some form of trust between us; there is none now
- Enabling some form of physical contact; there is none now
- Finally enabling intimacy and openness at some point; there is none now
Regarding challenges, experiences and memories;
To overcome addictive behaviors not by intellectual understanding, mechanical control and abstinence, (today) but by transitioning to a higher level of understanding of myself where I understand emotionally and functionally how I arrived at this stage in my life with so few adult life skills. To enhance my life skills to become more open and sharing with what is going on behind my emotional fog. I'd like to be there for my kids maturing into their middle ages and grand kids growing up and being able to help and relate to their own growing up issues and pains. I'd like to become skilled and useful in making things of beauty and purpose from wood or other materials. I'd like to find a community, have friends and share experiences with others in volunteering or other helpful projects. To visit, enjoy and remember new parts of the world as time and resources allow.
I believe the obstacles lie in the failure to make progress in each of the areas listed in b. above. It seems that my obstacles are related to understanding and then overcoming my emotional immaturity, lack of emotional expression and the desire to push emotional issues underground; to hide my emotions.
As part of my emotional fog, I don't often consider what else I need to accomplish. I've been blessed with a good intellectual mind, health, financial success, traveled extensively so in the material world, I'm relatively satisfied, (there's always new places to visit but not a burning desire.) So it boils down to a desire to explore and expand a relatively unknown realm, my emotions. Where as I can imagine traveling to a new destination, living a different lifestyle, becoming more wealthy, etc., I have little experience or imagination about what it will take to understand my emotions or what I'm capable of in this area. Having suppressed my emotions for a lifetime, I find it difficult to imagine what this aspect of myself will entail.
To be comfortable in life and her relationships
To experience closeness and intimacy
To use her creativity and imagination to improve the world
To use her creativity and imagination to produce art and dance
To experience more of the world and have adventures
1 Vision to guide my life and obtain sustainable improvement
2 Improve relationships, especially with my spouse, opening up, staying in touch and helping to improve their lives
3 Friendship to find contentment with life and improve my self image
4 Ability to be of service
5 Frankness and being open with others instead of always suppressing my internal self
6 Esteem for improving my internal self worth
7 Feeling(s) in order to expand and explore the suppressed parts of myself
8 Self-care to maintain physical as well emotional well-being
9 Flow to experience depth
10 Recreation to balance life

Awake1 First Couple's Lesson
a. Updated vison:
My Core Values:
Truth & honesty, personal & spiritual growth, beauty, family, service, health & fitness, friends, independence
I will focus on the RN Couple's program/lessons & commit to working on this relationship. I will not attempt to judge the outcome from the beginning. I will make this a priority, knowing that some of these other values may have to take a back-seat for awhile.
I am going to make my personal growth my focus again. I want to end the isolation & nurture relationships with people of like-mind.
I will stop full-time traveling for awhile to end the isolation that lifestyle creates. I will find & participate in groups & organizations that believe as I do.
I will research local spiritual study groups, choirs, artist's groups, etc. that I can participate in.
I will research UB University and local study groups and people.
I will exercise regularly to build muscle, increase my stamina & help my well-being. Some activities I may choose are walks & hikes with friends & family, skiing, & bicycling.
I will walk 30-45 mins. per day &/or do an exercise video/class/hike daily which gets my heart rate up and builds muscle.
I am going to return to my meditation routine & spiritual focus by attending local groups, as well as renewing & pursuing my own spiritual focus (by study, meditation & service).
I am going to continue to practice my music and return to painting & artistic pursuits (with groups I will find and by myself).
I have been neglecting my music practice.
I will spend at least an hour a day doing something creative (painting, playing music, singing, etc.).
I will research this geographic area (since I've never lived here before) to find what is available.
And I will research returning to work at least part-time and complete activities to keep my professional license current.
Explore & become involved in local service opportunities.

b. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership (specifically focus on two areas: what you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)
I will focus on the RN Couple's program/lessons & commit to working on this relationship. I will not attempt to judge the outcome from the beginning. I will make this a priority, knowing that some of these other values may have to take a back-seat for awhile.
Within the next year: Complete the RN Couple's Program & renew/rebuild this relationship
Renew & nurture our friendship
Comfort & respect for each & both of us.

c. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision. (Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.).
Very inefficient communication
Lots of unresolved issues of hurt, neglect, non-communication, disrespect of the relationship & each other

d. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life. (Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. Don’t leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it’s something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?)
Self-actualization
Continued spiritual growth & understanding (ever increasing insight)
More adventures, including world travel.
Continued personal growth and service.
Continued artistic growth (music, painting, crocheting, writing, etc.)

e. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life (Don’t ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)
Continue developing his hobbies & gaining skill through practice.
Comfortable, nurturing relationships with his children, siblings, mother, relatives, & me
Continued increase in self-awareness & personal growth (gained maturity) & personal comfort & peace

f. An updated list of your top ten practical values (the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfillment from)
Truth & honesty, personal & spiritual growth, beauty, family, service, health & fitness, friends, independence

Lesson Two; Couple's Recovery Workshop: Introduction
Response by skrelon
We worked on this lesson some time ago but I'm just now writing up my thoughts and feelings about the experience. I started by cooking her a meal; steaks, salad and sauteed mushrooms. I'm normally the cook at home so cooking wasn't out of the ordinary, although I spent extra time and effort in choosing a meal she would enjoy and adding the mushrooms. After the preparation, I feed her by cutting up the various courses of the meal and feeding them to her bite-by-bite. We watched some TV until it was time for bed and I ran her a bath, bathed her including her long hair, dried her and brushed her hair and teeth. All of these were new experiences for me as I've not had the role of caretaker before so I was a bit hesitant and awkward at times. Previously, I would have avoided being a caretaker if possible but after this experience, I'm a bit more comfortable with taking on such a role.

We haven't been intimate for some time and this caused more awkwardness in me but it was a good exercise in the beginning of touching and caring for her. She never seems to be awkward or uneasy with intimacy and touching while I've become anxious and uneasy in initiating any intimacy. On the other hand, I've sometimes wondered whether we'd be together into our old age and if so, how would I be as a caretaker if that need should ever arise, or how would I be as someone who needed care? Growing old alone is not something I look forward to so I will keep applying myself to become more mature and having a relationship with my wife that is more fulfilling to both of us. This lesson gave me a taste of taking care of another person and perhaps brought us a little closer.

Exercise 2
Being cared for was a new experience. Since I worked in the caring/medical field I was used to caring for others, but not being on the receiving end (tho we did some role play in therapy school). I could tell this was hard for him & me. He felt awkward, I think. & I felt weird, I've always been the care-giver (& a little scary, since there is dementia/alzheimers in my family...). The hardest part was explaining what I wanted & needed (like how to wash my hair so it doesn't end up a mass of tangles... or to please brush all my teeth (since I don't have the easy gag-reflex that he does (nor any cavities & want to keep it that way:) )

The Couple's Workshop: Healing Contracts;
Exercise Three
Here's a list of my values, of which only a few have caused value conflicts with my spouse and none of them recently;

1 Vision to guide my life and obtain a sustainable improvement
2 Concentrating on Family in order to improve relationships, opening up, staying in touch and helping to improve their lives
3 Friendship to find contentment with life and improve my self image
4 Finding a Community for interaction as opportunities for service and friendship
5 Empathy in order to connect with others and maintain relationships
6 Frankness and being open with others instead of always suppressing my internal self
* In the past, she has questioned my use of our funds on compulsive behaviors. I have never used our funds for such activities and have denied doing so on numerous occasions. Periodically she brings this issue up and I continue to convey all the information I have about looking at our finances by her independently so she doesn't have to rely on me for such confirmation.
Consequences; I will again convey the required information and then withdraw from the conversation.
7 Esteem for improving my internal self worth
8 Feeling(s) in order to expand and explore the suppressed parts of myself
9 Self-care to maintain physical as well emotional well-being
10 Vitality to energize my plans
11 Flow to experience depth
* We have been in conflicts involving my new hobbies, whether I spent too much on them and thus avoid working on our relationship. I try not to overdue my hobbies and devote time to working on us but know I'm prone to avoiding so I'm trying to stay open to her input on this issue.
Consequences; If I feel her input is bordering on selfishness, I'll continue my work on hobbies and distance myself from her until we see clearer what is the real issue.
12 Ability to be of service
13 Volunteerism as a way to be of service and provide focus to maintain a healthier lifestyle
14 Recreation to balance life
15 Perseverance to stay true to my plan
16 Mastery of myself
17 Wisdom to know when I'm on the right path versus fooling myself or blaming others
18 Ingenuity in trying to solve my emotional issues

Exercise 3 posted by Awake1
Relationships are important to me. I want to nurture my relationships with my kids & grandkids, my siblings, all my family & extended family, & my husband (if that is also what he wants).
I value feeling desired, valued, respected (mutual respect & not being discounted), fun, spontaneity, intimacy.

I value open, honest, transparent, caring communication. And I value the behaviors/experiences in life that foster such.

I value my creativity & methods to express this (painting, writing, music, dance, etc.)

I value spiritual & personal growth & maturity. And I desire relationships that help foster this.

I value my health and ways of maintaining such (eating right, keeping my weight down, regular exercise that builds muscle, stamina, coordination & balance, good quality sleep, decreased stress by concentrating on improving/maintaining my quality of life by focusing on my values).

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?

I would find a return to his compulsive behaviors very undesireable. If he began to be compulsive in any area of his life (hours of retreating into video games, computer use, busy-ness, etc.), I would be concerned about his balance, as it seems difficult for him to “feel” the difference between healthy recreation and obsessive activity (to avoid other behaviors/people/etc., to relief boredom, ?).
If I found he had returned to porn-viewing & compulsive masturbation and to the secrecy/justifying/minimizing/rationalyzing required to hide such behaviors, my values and boundaries would be violated.
I need to feel honor for our marriage commitment, for our friendship, for my & his values & boundaries thru his actions & communication.
I want to continue to feel him trying to grow up and honoring this new path we've chosen. To value and continue to show me that he values our relationship. Nurturing transparency & communication are the keys for me.

Exercise 3 amended by Awake1
Relationships are important to me. I want to nurture my relationships with my kids & grandkids, my siblings, all my family & extended family, & my husband (if that is also what he wants).
I value feeling desired, valued, respected (mutual respect & not being discounted),

I value open, honest, transparent, caring communication. And I value the behaviors/experiences in life that foster such.

I value my creativity & methods to express this (painting, writing, music, dance, etc.)

I value spiritual & personal growth & maturity. And I desire relationships that help foster this.

I value my health and ways of maintaining such (eating right, keeping my weight down, regular exercise that builds muscle, stamina, coordination & balance, good quality sleep, decreased stress by focusing on quality of life by focusing on my values).

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
I would find a return to his compulsive behaviors very undesireable & a signal to me that this relationship is not valued by him. If he began to be compulsive in any area of his life (hours of retreating into video games, computer use, busy-ness, etc.), I would be concerned about his balance, as it seems difficult for him to “feel” the difference between healthy recreation and obsessive activity (to avoid other behaviors/people/communication, etc.). But, his decisions/behaviors are not up to me & I accept that. We are both individuals with our own dreams, choices & futures and whether those choices/futures continue on together as a committed couple depends upon our choices from here on.
If I found he had returned to porn-viewing & compulsive masturbation and to the secrecy/justifying/minimizing/rationalyzing required to hide such behaviors, my values and boundaries would be violated.
I need to feel honor for our marriage commitment, for our friendship, for my & his values & boundaries.
I want to continue to feel him trying to grow up and honoring this new path we've chosen. Keeping this a priority to spend time & energy on. To value and continue to show me that he values our relationship & I will do the same. Most importantly this will require continued effort & focus, with transparency & communication as the keys.
Perceived value conflicts would be when this relationship, growth & increased awareness & more open communication are not a priority. This could be signalled by activities/excuses to stall/put-off discomfort/required effort/safely keeping focus elsewhere (like waiting for a book to arrive, till we have more time to focus sufficiently, until “it” becomes more comfortable, when we're less busy, etc.????), &, of course a return to secrecy, evasion/closing-off & prior behaviors.

Lesson 4 Partner's Contract
We each printed & signed.

Also completed Lesson 5, (Couple's Workshop: Developing Meaningful Communication) without issues or conflicts to report.

exercise 6
My most creative was on his motorcycle. I hid 10 or 12, but don't remember if he found them all, yet. --awake1

Exercise 6; Couple's Recovery: Common Obstacles posted by skrelon
Exercise Six; Intimacy Activity: Hidden MeaningsI hide ~8 notes of endearment in and around our house and she found them all. I think the most creative spot was in our RV as we were preparing to travel.

Exercise 8 --awake1
1) In your Couple's Thread, discuss ways that you can practically implement the insights offered in this lesson. For instance, how might you integrate joy into your relationship now, as a part of the healing process? How might you offer sincere support to your partner's efforts to change his life (as opposed to patronizing support, pressured support, etc.)?
Enjoy some fun times together, like our dinner out the other night & the county fair
I don't know quite how to be encouraging since he never really shares if he's having any issues (doubts, relapses, emotional hard times, etc.)

2) Examining your current role in your partner's recovery, what mistakes have you made? Are there any you might still be making? None that either of us is aware of.

3) Describe the things you ARE CURRENTLY DOING to role model healthy partnership skills.
Encouraging communication/sharing, providing support like a neck rub on long bike trip home yesterday, accompanying him to evaluate & buy materials for his new hobby, regularly participating in my own healthy hobbies, encouraging & taking long walks together & getting some exercise, sharing & discussing books we've both read lately, participating in staying in touch with his mom & our kids, etc.

Exercise 10 -- Awake1
The following quotes from this lesson pretty well sum up my feelings:
I want to: "Move forward with no more lies…no more secrets…no more incongruence. Learn to feel the confidence that comes from sharing your true self the world around you."
 
"The pain comes from mourning the loss of what you never actually had all of those years and how you can never regain the loss of time together."
 
"...to give your marriage the best chance of success. You can, and that starts with ending your addiction; and ends with learning to fully relate to your partner as a separate and worthy human being. Someone who matters."

Someone who matters. I guess that really sums it up. I grew up in an environment where children's & women's feelings/opinions/individuality/creativity/cares/plans/etc. never mattered, nor were they ever asked for or even considered. And if you dared to speak up, you were discounted. So, now I realize I came from that environment right into the same environment in my marriage. Though I didn't realize it, even tho I should have---it should have felt so "familiar". And that sucks!! Can this kind of addict ever really "Move forward with no more lies…no more secrets…no more incongruence. Learn to feel the confidence that comes from sharing your true self the world around you."
I guess we'll find out. But I will never return to the obviously, stupid level of innocence I had before...

Lesson 10: Couple's Recovery: Understanding Your Partner's NeedsThis question is hard for me, since I've known my wife for most of my life, I'd can't imagine myself being in her place. She has always been so steady and trustworthy I can't imagine her doing the same things I've done, it's not in her nature. I understand that is why she has been in such shock and attempting to understand how I could have had such a trustworthy outside and hiding sexually addictive behaviors at the same time. I don't know that I would have struck by her had the roles been reversed, I'm too immature and would probably have disappeared. If I try to put myself into her place, I would need to start over. First my partner would have to admit they have addictive behaviors and then start working to understand themselves, what they have done, why they have done the things they've done. Next they would have to commit to making changes in their life; using resources to better themselves, make themselves more whole, grow their understanding of their emotions and how they effect their decision making and actions, not just in regards to the addictive behavior but in all aspects of their life. Then time and steady effort would be needed to ensure that changes were being incorporated into their life.

Lesson 11 completed & discussed

We have completed the Individual Recovery Path & the Individual Healing Path for partners & planned our Couple's Ceremony Cruise.