Recovery Nation

Exercise 1: orientation

JL
A: I am learning to love and forgive myself and lovingly embrace all aspects of who I am. I will confidently express myself and as I do I am a positive role modelfor everyone in my life. I feel fullfilled and joyful and enjoy being sucessful in my work, relationships and in my life. I am proactivly and consistently seeking to equip myself to help make better life choices
B: 1) Hope to experience, intimacy, healing, trust, Love, acceptence, appreciation, open communication, Compassion, Emphathy, honesty,over the next year in our partnership.
2) Hope to share freedom, compassion, appreciation, gratitude, encouragement, soul gazing, support, friendship, LOVE in the rest of our lives together till death.
C: Likely obstacles: not applying the skills and tools learned to deal with with stress and other life circumstances. Rejection, poor communation, assumptions, regret, guilt, shame, trama, doubt, dispair.
D: Goals for the remainder of my life: Make a difference for something bigger, become a store mgr, see the world, become debt free, have a son, continue the journey to freedom and self awareness, have a dynamic relationship with my wife, build my own house, have a boat, do lots of entertaining.
E: Goals I think my partner feels the need to accomplish: Daily work on relationship/ intimacy, support for future career, encouragement to strive for future goals, utlize education for the good of the cosmos, a partner, travel abroad, Bring healing to people, loved, continue to journey to self awarness, college professor, PHD, Learn Psychology, Team ministry,
F: Top ten practical value's: Respect, truth, integrity, honesty, Love, compassion, patience, trust, transparency, communication.

secretsurvivor:
a. An updated vision for the life that you are leading (this may require no effort at all if your current vision established in your individual workshop is accurate)
I am becoming a person of true wellbeing/wholeness (psychological, emotional, spiritual, physical health).
I am create a healthy, happy home life/family.
I am making a Difference (career/education).
I am building a solid support system (connections to the Divine, humanity, Earth, meaningful pursuits/hobbies).


b. An expansion of your vision in the area involving partnership (specifically focus on two areas: what you hope to experience within your partnership over the next year; and, in looking back on your life from the point of your death until now, what challenges, experiences and memories you hope to share with your partner)
I hope to experience increased intimacy and knowledge of each other, increased trust and commitment, mutual respect and compassion, quality time/meaningful bonding, better communication, better conflict resolution skills, equality in financial distribution and household responsibilities, partnership in parenting, support for each other’s pursuits/dreams over the next year.
Looking back at the end of life, I hope we can see how we were a team in building a healthy, happy home life and supporting our children in the process of growing up and becoming, sharing in meaningful life changes/events, care for each other during difficult times, support each other in achieving our life goals, see each other become better people through our relationship, protect each other and enjoy the everyday joys in life.

c. A simple list of the likely obstacles that are/will be standing between you and enacting this vision. (Think current or likely future obstacles only; such as inefficient communication rituals, alcohol, lack of forgiveness, etc.).

Lack of trust
Past haunts
Relapse
Insufficient support system
Insufficient communication of needs and wants
Lack of communication skills in general
Lack of personal growth for either partner
Financial difficulties (student loans!)
Clash in values
Difference in parenting perspectives
Lack of commitment to resolving problems
Codependency
Lack of spiritual pursuits
Busyness/lack of time to work on the relationship

d. A simple list of goals that you have for the remainder of your life. (Important goals that you feel the need to accomplish to experience a sense of fulfillment in your life. Don’t leave any out. If there is something that you feel that you must experience, list it. For instance, I know that at some point in my life, I need to spend a year or more in the mountains—surviving off the land. Even if it kills me, it’s something I need to do to feel like I lived the life that I wanted to live. What do you need to experience—if anything?)

Find a town/city to call home
Quit smoking
Finish my educational goals
Career goals
Travel oversees with my girls at coming of age
Have a happy home life
Support my kids (financially and relationally) in accomplishing their primary life goals
Get my motorcycle license and a bike
Make pottery again
Experience the fine arts/introduce my kids to the fine arts
Build a meditation/butterfly garden
Have a sincere and intimate romantic relationship
Make a small impact/dedicate a portion of time in world peace and earth saving efforts/causes
Develop close friendships
Find inner peace



e. A simple list of the goals that YOU BELIEVE your partner feels the need to accomplish in the remaining years of his/her life (Don’t ask for these, share from your current knowledge base)

Be involved with extended family
Buy a boat
Get back into hunting
Meet career goals (both in present occupation and future new one)
Have a successful romantic relationship
Move back to Minnesota
Teach
Make a difference
See kids grow up healthy and fulfilled in life
Birth a son
Experience sincere community/friendship
Travel
Become financially self-sufficient
Own an income property
Build a house, and entertain a lot
Contribute to community service
Play music again (a band? Or less formally)

f. An updated list of your top ten practical values (the areas of your life that you currently derive the most meaning and fulfillment from)
1.Love
2.Respect
3.Compassion
4.Transparency/Integrity (character)
5.Sincerity/Self Awareness
6.Family (children, spouse)
7.Healthy Spirituality
8.Support System/Meaningful Connections/Friendship
9. Lifelong Learning (education)
10. Making a Difference (career)

Hello secretsurvivors! And welcome to your couples workshop!

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Exercise 3 JL:

Possible value conflict’s: Trust, respect, awareness, openness, transparency, and honesty.

• Trust- having confidence in myself to be true to my action’s by speaking and acting true to my life vision statement.
• Respecting myself and not allowing myself to tear down the work I am doing by being accountable to my counselor, partner, and most of all myself.
• Being aware of feelings and emotions by actively utilizing time daily for self-reflection and sharing these with my partner.
• Openness to partner’s actions and being aware that they are out of trauma and openness to different possibility’s of needed sources of healing and help for recovery. Recognizing that when I am feeling “attacked” or “unsure” to continue to understand that I am in process and not to take offense to them.
• Being real in all that I do and no matter how much it might hurt and being able to accept consequences for actions out of line with my values.
• Being honest in my thoughts feelings and actions by striving to live by my values and being aware for self reflection when I do not live by them.

Behaviors that are completely unacceptable:
• Mixed messages- be true to your feelings do not reason them away, become aware of why you are feeling them then express those feelings with respect and stay true to your life vision statement.
Consequences for not staying true to your self: Move out of our room for a night for a night of self reflection and write a letter about the importance of staying true to your life vision statement.
• Disrespect- Disrespect is seen in the eye of the beholder. If at anytime I feel disrespected I will call you out on this when it is realized in a respectful manner and I expect the same in return and for you to be willing and open to the ensuing conversation to resolve said disrespect.
Consequences for being disrespectful: Move out of our room for a night per disrespectful thing said to self-reflect on the things you appreciate about me and write a letter describing in detail why I am worth respecting
• Assumptions- When assumptions are made it makes an “ass” out of “You” and “Me.” When an assumption made is realized it will be called out in a respectful manner and immediately a truth needs to be spoken in replacement of that assumption and all conversation halts until this a truth is said.
Consequences for not speaking a truth in place of a consequence: Move out of our room for a night per assumption to self-reflect on the truth and become aware on why assumptions were made and write a letter of 10 things that are true about me and why you appreciate these truths. Consequences for making an assumption: no smoking for the rest of the day.



Behaviors that would cause me to worry about my Partner’s overall balance and a detriment to their own healing:
• Not expressing thoughts and\or emotions: it is necessary to communicate these to your partner to communicate in truth and love of what it is you are going through, not worrying about how it might make me feel. So that we can have an open and honest communication so that we can continue to better understand each other.
Consequences for not expressing thoughts and emotions: Move out of our room for a night per violation to self reflect on why it was more important to you not to share then to allow me in, and write a letter on why I am worth being allowed to know these thoughts and feelings and how that it is important to our relationship healing.
• Unwarranted outbursts of emotion directed towards myself and or our children: If this occurs and it is confessed to me before finding out that it occur there will be no consequence except for knowing that I have hurt feelings that you couldn’t remaining in control of emotions.
Consequences for unwarranted outbursts of emotion: Towards partner- you will apologize, write a letter about what emotions you appreciate from your partner and plan a date to take the partner out that reflects these emotions. Towards children- you will apologize, and plan one on ones with the children that focus’ on them individually to build them up. To be discussed with partner before one on one are given.
• Excessive smoking and drinking to numb themselves: self awareness is critical to healing and excessive smoking and drinking hinder ones ability to continue a path of healing. It is necessary to be aware of the cravings that drive you to smoke and drink and to be able to communicate these to your partner.
Consequences for excessive smoking/drinking: once recognized by either your partner or yourself it needs to be communicated that this is being done to the excess. Once established you will be dry and smoke free for a week, if it is broken during the course of the week off, you will then add another week to the consequence for each offense and move out of our room for the remainder of the consequence. A self reflection letter about why you are numbing your self and why it is against your values to do this is required before you are allow to move back into our room.
• Obsessing about? - To obsess about anything is not productive to the overall balance of a life wanting healing and balance. To obsess is a type of shift blaming in the sense that you are focusing your attention away from your healing potentially blaming whatever you are obsessing about.
Consequences for obsessing: Move out of our room for a night to self-reflect and find out why you are obsessing, and write a letter about what you believe a balanced life and a healthy life could possibly look like and how obsessing hinders ones ability to have a healthy and balanced life.
• Lack of eating: Food is the life giving resource which helps us maintain a healthy and balanced life. It is necessary to eat to be able to handle all of life’s challenges and opportunities. When you don’t eat to take care or yourself it doesn’t only affect you, it affect’s the whole family.


Consequences for not eating: Once an offense has occurred you will need to communicate to your partner this and be required to daily track what your eating for a week, when you are eating it, and how much. Your partner will provide you with a spread sheet for you to be able to track you eating habits. If you continue to not eat you will be required to find a psychologist and schedule a session. Until a session is schedule with a psychologist you are to move out of our room.
• “Depression”- understandably that we are currently going though one of life’s toughest challenges, this is a concern. As your partner I am going to become better informed on this subject and if I see warning signs we need to actively discuss them and to continue to have open communication about this subject. My expectation is that you continue to take regularly your vitamin supplements’ to help with areas that you have recognized as being deficient.
Consequences for not taking care of “depression”…i.e open communication about it, lack of “remembering to take your vitamins,” and not acknowledging the possibility: 1st offense- you track daily when and what you are taking for supplements for a week. Your partner will provide you with a spread sheet to help track this. If this continues it will be indefinitely tracked. 2nd offense- Find a psychologist and plan a session to discuss “depression.” 3rd offense- schedule regular sessions with the psychologist for continued discussions about “depression.”

Healthy Behaviors I would like to see:

Healthy living, being able to cope and control emotions, continued use of tools and skills to handle stress. Open communication and trancparancy when it comes to talking about emotions, thoughts and feelings. Respect in communication when expressing thoughts and feelings. Speaking honestly when asked a question and have the confidence to share what is real. Continued growth in self awareness and continue to share these growing aspects of a healthy life.

Secretsurvivor-
Exercise Three: Developing the Contract

1.Viewing pornography or other sexually explicit material is unacceptable.
Should you intentionally view pornography, whether briefly or for an extended period of time, the consequence, I believe, should be that you register for RN and dedicate yourself to the lessons, which means completing one lesson every week, no exceptions.
Increase your counseling sessions to twice a month.
Find an accountability partner (for lack of a better term) either at RN or local AA groups that you develop a trusting, supportive relationship with.
Accept that I will be moving back in with the children for an indefinite amount of time to reflect on my vision for my life and whether or not that includes this relationship with you.
You will take responsibility for the means by which you viewed pornography. If it was on the computer, I think you should have the computer professionally cleaned out so I can use it again safely. You will no longer be allowed to use the computer without supervision. If it was another devise, we should discuss what consequences will result with the misuse of that devise.

2. Subtle forms of sexual addiction is unacceptable. This includes: scanning the room for sexual stimuli, intentionally walking through the lingerie department at work, looking at women’s cleavage, lingering over commercials on TV that are sexual in nature, sexual fantasizing, sexualizing others or objectifying women etc.
Should you find that you are increasingly engaging in these subtle sexual form of acting out, or should I suspect you are, I will expect you to increase the amount of counseling sessions to twice a month, or more if you feel the need.
You will register at RN and commit to completing the lessons, one a week.

3. Intentionally lying or omitting certain, significant truths is unacceptable. When asked a question, I expect an honest and full answer, not partial.
Should I feel you are intentionally hiding something significant from me, whether its true or not, I will trust my gut and enforce the following consequence: I will be granted a vacation away from you for one night to get some space and be with other people even if its financial irresponsible and you have to take time off work to watch the kids.
While I am away, I expect you to set up a couple’s counseling session so we can talk about this with a third party apon my return. I would like you to spend some time in self reflection and receive a letter about why you chose to withhold truth from me and the effects that might have on our relationship.
4. Every day, I expect you to take some time to work on our relationship. This could mean working through RN, spending time reading our couples’ book or meaningful conversation. Should you choose to not commit to this for more than one day without it being agreed upon by us both, you will spend the night in the spare bed to reflect on your vision for your life and for our relationship. The next day, I would like to receive a letter about the reasons why you want to devote yourself to building this relationship and some self-awareness as to why you chose not to.
5. I expect you to educate yourself in the effects of SA on partners, such as myself, while we are working through the couples’ lessons or until I am through with all my messed-up-ness from this addiction. This means, each month, I will expect to see you either be reading a book on partners of SA, logging into RN and reading the partners forum or other similar self-educating methods. Should a month go by and I haven’t observed you doing so, or you haven’t told me anything you’ve done to continue your education, or I simply feel you aren’t truly committed to learning and understanding me, then I will suspend my efforts to build intimacy with you including couples RN lessons, etc. You will spend a night in the spare bed to reflect on your vision for your life and our relationship. The next day, I would like a letter describing those things you value in me and how learning about the effects of SA on partners would benefit your ability to have empathy and compassion for me.
6. I expect you to find healthy means of relieving stress in your life, this means twice a week, at least, you should find some healthy, means of physical exercise. If a month goes by and you have neglected your physical health, the consequence will be a month of cleaning the kitchen, including sweeping and mopping the floor 
7. I expect you to take full responsibility for your physical health, including working on a healthy diet, making and keeping doctor’s appointments and even dental appointments. Should you not take full responsibility for getting healthy and become complacent in your efforts, I will become concerned that you are becoming complacent in your recovery,too, so I will expect you to start at RN, and we will talk about how to get you back on track with your physical health.
7. I expect community involvement and the building of healthy, supportive relationships/support system. I acknowledge that this is a tough one for us right now in our present situation. But, should a month go by and I have not observed you interacting with others outside of work (faith community involvement, sport teams, fishing etc) at least twice a month, the consequence is that I will start scheduling your community involvement activities for the following month for you and you are required to attend them.
8. I expect you to make quality time for our kids. If two weeks go by and I feel you haven’t done your part in parenting/bonding with the kids, I will expect you to make up for it by putting the kids to bed, cleaning their room and doing all the general care for them on your days off for the next two weeks.
9. I expect to be taken out on a date once a month. Scheduling the date, setting up the babysitter and budgeting for the date is completely your responsibility. Should a month go by and I haven’t been asked out, you will have to do something nice for me by detail cleaning the van, including a wash and wax.

Secretsurvivor-
Lesson Two:
I found this exercise to be very meaningful. At first, I was actually anxious about doing this with my partner. I haven't fully reflected on why; perhaps it was just the fact that I was allowing myself to show my vulnerability and be cared for by this person of whom I haven't felt, in the past, would care well for me, should the need arise. But, while waiting for him to prepare everything, I could tell he was really devoting himself to this exercise and was putting his heart into preparing an experience that would be meaningful to us both.
He started by warming up a nice meal for me. It was a bit awkward having him feed me...but it actually made me cry. I guess it actually felt good to have someone want to care for me, even if it was only for an evening. I could tell he was expressing his love for me through it, and it was truly an act of love...of course, making me cry.
Then, he brushed my teeth and gave me a bath. By the end of the experience, I realized just how much effort goes into taking care of my self. I gained, not only a respect for him in his willingness to do this for me, but also a strange sense of respect for myself...that being a healthy human being requires a great amount of care for ourselves. Sometimes we forget just how much effort goes into our survival and health each and every day. These were just the basic needs we have on a daily basis, and only what we need to do for ourselves in the course of a couple of hours. Take into account all the needs we have due to recovering from such a difficult experience, I've realized how much we need to have grace, patience and respect for ourselves, and anyone, overcoming the difficulties of life.
I also realized just how thankful I am to have the means to care for myself, to feed myself, bath myself...and how wonderful it is to have a friend who wants to help me through daily life. It was a good time...not something we would have thought of doing on our own. Thank you for this.

Lesson 2: JL

This exercise was interesting as I was trying to plan the evening so many thoughts of how it might go and what I will do and the different options available to me to meet my partners needs actually was a bit overwhelming , not because of how much but because I wanted to be sure I expressed my love for her through my actions and that she would be able to allow me into her space to care for her. As the evening started she gave me some time to prepare the house and get "things" ready. When she came in we sat down at the table and started to eat, it was a bit awkward at first as I think walls were crumbling as it has been a difficult journey for us to allow each other in like that... For example... 2 weeks ago this exercise I don't think this would have worked just because we were not ready, but now it felt like perfect timing because as I cared for her I started to see subtle ques on what she wanted next and allowed her to communicate to me first to give it because I wanted to make sure that the actions were wanted. eventhough i know I could have rushed the whole thing and we would have been fine but I thought it necessary to take this moment and just let it be and as I did my appreciation for the little things, things that I fell in love with long ago, aspects of her that have all but been forgotten came flying into light and reassured me that this is what I want to do, that this is who I am going to spend the rest of my life with, because in that tiny moment of care, the tears of my heart began to weep and as my heart softened, Love that I have pushed down, hid from, buried deep inside me for so long because of the hurts that we have given to each other and that I have inflicted on myself were let go and that tiny moment became a huge discovery.
The care I gave made me realize that P is special, that P has needs that i can give, that P needs me to care for her, that P has gven me the chance to care for her, that P is fragile and delicate that I need to watch and be attentive to those needs and not be to rough with her as we are growing, that caring for P is a gift and not a requirement of our "contract" of marrige. That we need to communicate the care we need.
overall a very positive experience!

Choice of words can say alot about where you are coming from. Not a bad thing, but something to consider: If you are inclined to use words like "confess", think about your relationship to taking responsibility for your actions and being accountable for yourself and being transparent with your partner. Notice how "confessing" has it be something punitive, diminishing, like you have to bow your head and avert your eyes because you are bad. Now, think about it from the perspective of taking responsibility for your behaviour, being accountable to yourself (for the sake of your own commitment to health based living) and being transparent with your partner (for the sake of nurturing trust within your marriage etc.). The latter is empowering and will motivate you to live into those values, wheras "confess" will likely feed an unhealthy perspective, and have you feel disempowered and possibly even create anxiety and avoidance.


Who is moving out of the room? The offender or the receiver? An effective consequence will be one that YOU (the receiver of the violated value) can take action and follow through on. A consequence that depends on the compliance of the offender is not a very effective one.


I am not sure how I feel about consequences for depression. Consequences for potential "acting out" behaviours associated with depression (not caring for children, lack of self-care, emotional outbursts etc.) make sense, but I am just not sure that having consequences for depression itself makes sense. Boundaries are meant to protect our values. I can see how depression can get in the way of one's values, but reading this I am met with the feeling that you are trying to regulate depression perhaps as a way of not having to deal with or face the reality of the impact of addiction on your partner. Also, "tracking" or monitoring, in health based recovery, is meant to be a personal responsibility. Healing partners are never encouraged to monitor their recovering partner beyond a level of general awareness. The same can be said in this case~there is no need for the RP to monitor the health of the HP other than to maintain a level of awarenss. Monitoring each other to the point of "tracking" removes focus from what each of you are respectively responsible for~which is your own healing and recovery. It takes two healthy individuals to create a healthy partnership and shifting focus from your own health to what the other is doing (or not doing) detracts from your individual healing and recovery. That said, you are in partnership and you are working together toward a common goal, which is why a general awareness for where your partner is is necessary and healthy, but it is not your job to be responsible for the others health monitoring.


Again, a consequence that depends on the compliance of the offender is not an effective one. What can you do to protect the values that intentionally viewing pornography violate?


This is an effective consequence. The others can be requirements for what you would like to see happen, and if they don't happen you can have consequences for that.


Absolutely! Great insight.


Beautiful.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

A revision of lesson 3 for secretsurvivor:
Exercise Three: Developing the Contract

1.Viewing pornography or other sexually explicit material is unacceptable.
Should you intentionally view pornography, whether briefly or for an extended period of time, the consequence, I believe, should be that you register for RN and dedicate yourself to the lessons, which means completing one lesson every week, no exceptions.
If you do view pornography, I would expect you to consider registering for RN and dedicate yourself to the lessons or find another means of increased recovery beyond what you have accomplished, increase your counseling sessions to twice a month, or at least find an accountability partner (for lack of a better term) either at RN or local AA groups that you develop a trusting, supportive relationship with. If I don’t see you taking immediate action for your behavior, I will have to protect my boundary of not living with someone who isn’t committed to recovery.
Accept that I will be moving back in with the children for an indefinite amount of time to reflect on my vision for my life and whether or not that includes this relationship with you, which may be divorce or at least separation.


2. Subtle forms of sexual addiction are unacceptable. This includes: scanning the room for sexual stimuli, intentionally walking through the lingerie department at work, looking at women’s cleavage, lingering over commercials on TV that are sexual in nature, sexual fantasizing, sexualizing others or objectifying women etc.
Should you find that you are increasingly engaging in these subtle sexual form of acting out, or should I suspect you are, I will expect you to increase the amount of counseling sessions to twice a month, or more if you feel the need.
If you do not take immediate action to find greater support in your recovery, I will find it necessary to protect my boundary here and move out of our room back into my “sanctuary” in the kid’s room until I see you taking responsibility for your relapse or until I decide the next course of action for my life, which may include seeking a divorce or separation,

3. Intentionally lying or omitting certain, significant truths are unacceptable. When asked a question, I expect an honest and full answer, not partial.
Should I feel you are intentionally hiding something significant from me, whether it’s true or not, I will need some space to decide my next course of action. I may choose to move back into my sanctuary for a time, or I may request a polygraph test, depending on how severe the deception seems to be.

4. Every day, I expect you to take some time to work on our relationship. This could mean working through RN, spending time reading our couples’ book or meaningful conversation or reading related material. Should time go by and you haven’t devoted yourself to building this relationship, I will clearly wonder why and we will be talking about this and discussing how that affects us, affects you and affects the health of our relationship. If I get the impression from our talk that you are not sincerely seeking to build a healthy, new relationship with me, I may decide to suspend my own efforts to work on this relationship and consider a new path for my future.

5. I expect you to educate yourself in the effects of SA on partners, such as myself, while we are working through the couples’ lessons or until I am through with all my messed-up-ness from this addiction. This means, each month, I will expect to see you either be reading a book on partners of SA, logging into RN and reading the partners forum or other similar self-educating methods. Should a month go by and I haven’t observed you doing so, or you haven’t told me anything you’ve done to continue your education, or I simply feel you aren’t truly committed to learning and understanding me, then I will suspend my efforts to build intimacy with you including couples RN lessons, etc. We will discuss this and decide what vision we have for our relationship for the next month. If I suspect you aren’t interesting in continuing your education in trauma/recovery, I may find it necessary to consider more serious action concerning our relationship. I will be examining my own vision for my life and considering what that might be concerning us for the next month.

6. I expect you to find healthy means of relieving stress in your life; this means twice a week, at least, you should find some healthy, means of physical exercise and consistent attention to your diet. If a month goes by and you have neglected your physical health, we will be discussing your vision for your health and your recovery and how well you feel you are managing work stress etc. and consider why you have neglected your own pursuit of health and how this affects your ability to transition into a healthy, whole person. As a consequence for not taking responsibility for your health, I think we should discuss some additional work around the house for you such as mowing the lawn and cleaning the kitchen to serve as a reminder to you of how you have neglected more fun ways to relieve stress and increase your physical health. This also provides a way for you to reflect on how an unhealthy body and inner self affect the overall health of our family.

7. I expect community involvement and the building of healthy, supportive relationships/support system. I acknowledge that this is a tough one for us right now in our present situation. But, should a month go by and I have not observed you interacting with others outside of work (faith community involvement, sport teams, fishing etc.) we will discuss you initial vision for your life and your path toward recovery and how well you have been managing this aspect of your own means of a healthy lifestyle and redefine your vision concerning this area for the next month.

8. I expect you to make quality time for our kids. If two weeks go by and I feel you haven’t done your part in parenting/bonding with the kids, I will expect you to make up for it by putting the kids to bed, cleaning their room and doing all the general care for them on your days off for the next two weeks.

9. I expect to be taken out on a date once a month. Scheduling the date, setting up the babysitter and budgeting for the date are completely your responsibility. Should a month go by and I haven’t been asked out, you will have to do something nice for me by detail cleaning the van, including a wash and wax. Not only is this a kind act of love, but it serves to remind you of how neglecting to pursue me, and have fun with me stifles the progress of our relationship, builds up the rubble/dust and stalls the “drive” to greater depths of intimacy and friendship.

exercise 9: JL- before we started the exercise I could see some of the similar things in this story as related to our relationship- as we started the exercise I could see that my P was struggling with wanting to talk about it because it is still painful and could still have some possible regrets for sticking it out with this business for 10 years before we got audited! That pain is very real. The thought of going though this for that long, dealing with the lies, the shift blaming...the expectation that my P would want to start a new busniess that quickly is ridiculious! The pain of having that legacy was obviously waying very heavy on my P as she shared and if the shoe were on the other foot I think I would feel very similar. That acting out of health, being vulnerable... and the mutal response back is to get burned... ouch! That pain and frustration is a hard thing to deal with anyways, let alone being in relationship with the person who caused it. I hurt for my P in this process of healing and hope that I can be a better listener and have a greater capacity to be compassionate and empthaize. I thank my P for being vunerable and willing to trust me with her sharing this dark page in her life.

Exercise 9:
Secretsurvivor
I was clearly having some trouble with this exercise. I could relate to so many different aspects of the story and found myself having a difficult time expressing my thoughts (something I usually don't have much trouble with ) Anyway, I guess this exercise sparked so many emotions for me, particularly the scene where the friend is asking for a second chance and the protegonist is left without giving an answer. (Ah! Are you kidding me? We don't find out how it turned out? What happens next?) Apparently I don't like cliffhangers, and yes, I'm deflecting. I can have absolute empathy and compassion for my partner. I can see what a struggle this has been for him. I can completely forgive him for what he has done. I am over so much of the struggle to understand this situation. However, apparently I am no where near through how devastated I feel about the damage done to this relationship and how much fruitless effort and energy I put into something that was doomed to fail. Part of me, in all honesty, thinks I'm an idiot for giving him a second chance. I wanted to tell the character in the story to make friends with his partner in business, but don't ever trust him again with finances. The very fact that I had that thought scares the sh""t out of me.

secretsurvivor:
Exercise 8
1) In your Couple's Thread, discuss ways that you can practically implement the insights offered in this lesson. For instance, how might you integrate joy into your relationship now, as a part of the healing process? How might you offer sincere support to your partner's efforts to change his life (as opposed to patronizing support, pressured support, etc.)?
Time: Having realistic expectations, giving JL the freedom to grow and mature emotionally by his own timetable, not by mine, knowing that this transition can only be dictated by his own being, not by any external pressure or demand. Granting him the gift of patience and being aware of the difficult and sometimes painful path that he is actively engaging.
Support: Paying attention to ways in which he is integrating healthy living, his own vision and values, into his present path of transition and voicing appreciation of the hard work, dedication and change I observe in him. Seeing him as a “person transitioning into health” through self-awareness and personal growth rather than merely an SA or a recoveree, relating to him a sacred being, whose various aspects far exceed the addiction itself, rather than defining him by his past addiction and how it inhibited his true self.
Joy: Remaining open to experiencing joy in my life and sharing those moments with JL. Finding joy in his progress, finding joy in his other pursuits and finding joy in the good we share in our own relationship. Experiencing joy with JL as we both get to know his true self.
Role modeling: Continued dedication each day to my own path toward healing and transition from “trauma victim” to survivor, to overcomer…as I, too, continue to find my true self. Manage my own life by my values rather than by my emotions. Manage my emotions through healthy means of self-awareness and care, manage my growth through self-awareness and see myself as a sacred being whose life is not defined by the effects of SA (integrating this experience into the greater picture of my life). Dedicating myself to changing the circumstances of my life for the pursuit of greater meaning and joy.
Understanding: Show appreciation for the path JL is on, continue to ask questions and engage in dialogue about own journey out of this, neither denying nor over-emphasizing the existence of SA in our relationship/life.
Accountability: Continue to expect JL to manage his own life through healthy means. Call him out on immature or selfish behavior, seeking short-term gratification at the price of long-term gain, question behavior that might be a relapse into SA, protect my boundaries, protect his and my own vision and values, protect his transition into health by voicing awareness of behavior that might inhibit his growth in a kind and respectful manner.
Mercy: By definition=
1. Compassionate treatment.
2. A disposition to be kind and forgiving.
3. Something for which to be thankful.
4. Alleviation of distress; relief.
In an effort to show mercy, I dedicate myself to the compassionate treatment of my partner, a disposition of kindness and forgiveness and thankfulness and to the alleviation of distress in his and my own life and the life of our family.





2) Examining your current role in your partner's recovery, what mistakes have you made? Are there any you might still be making?

Mistakes include responding to acting out with emotional outbursts and name calling, taking it personally, withdrawing emotionally, checking in or obsessing, making assumptions, not showing compassion and understanding, expecting too much too soon, lamenting, hiding my feelings, failing to see the wounded person behind the addiction, not showing respect, breaking relationship “rules/boundaries”, failing to take responsibility for my part.

Current mistakes: coming closer than withdrawing (mixed messages), procrastinating on lesson plans/relationship building, making assumptions, expecting too much too soon, hiding my feelings or simply lacking in self-awareness, allowing myself to get distracted from my own recovery by focusing on relationship issues.



3) Describe the things you ARE CURRENTLY DOING to role model healthy partnership skills.
Seeking my own healing, growth and pursuits in life.
Working on communication with my partner.
Niether denying nor over-emphasizing problems in the relationship, but committing to working through them.
Accepting his present path through recovery and trying to encourage him through it.
Making efforts toward finding meaning and joy in our life together.
Treat him with respect and hold him in high regard.
Honor his goals and pursuits in life.
Consider both our needs and wants as equally important.
Cooperation and compromising.

Exercise 10 - JL
Ask yourself the following: “If my partner did the things that I have done—exactly as I have done them—what would I need in order to rebuild my trust in him/her?” Really think about this. What would you want from them, expect from them, demand from them?

What would I want from them?
Openness
Tranceparancy
Sharing of Core Values
Support for mutual health first over our relationship/ M
Time
Effort on a consistent basis in recovery and relationship
and then seeing life style/ change in terms of values being implemented and upheld.

What would I expect from them?
expect to be hurt by them because of tramas and having them not be empathitic for my needs/ situation
expect them to have struggles
expect open communication
expect honest responses to questions asked

What would I demand from them
Demand health based recovery!