Recovery Nation

Wow, that is remarkable! Nellie James is a super-star! Remember that this is a partnership and while she may be completely justified in having her anger and expressing it, there are definitely healthy and unhealthy ways for her to express it. I am not saying she is expressing anything in an unhealthy way ~just raising a point in reaction to your claim which sort fo sounds like you are willing to accept any reaction from a position of "you deserve it" and therefor you must accept it (or suck it up) and reading ahead it seems as though she shares this concern as indicated in her responses for "behaviours that cause concern". There is a partial reality in this belief, though and it is more a matter of being 100% responsible for your past, present and future and allowing Nellie to be 100% responsible for hers. That is to say, while she may be justified in her anger, should she ever express it in a way which is demeaning or otherwise unhealthy and potentially violating values of your partnership, you are allowed to call her on it and to have boundaries to protect your shared values. This is what this part of the workshop is about. You have equal say in the matter and it is about striking a balance between your individual values and shared values. And by equal I mean it is 100% your responsibility and 100% hers, not 50%-50% as "shared" would suggest. Funny, as I type this I realize I am also talking to myself, reminding myself and reinforcing what I have still to remember and practice with intention.




This is insightful to where Chrysler is at this time. I now understand that he is still just trying to be okay and "good" in the eyes of his partner and this is why he is in the mindset of "my partner can do no wrong". He hasn't developed the courage to stand on his own. This is not bad or wrong, just how it is for him right now. I encourage him to find small ways to practice honesty and transparency. The fact that he shares that he doesn't know if he could be transparent is a baby step~it shows he is willing to be honest and vulnerable (by his honesty on the matter and for actually sharing his reality). Remember Chrysler, the only thing you have to fear is fear itself. Don't allow fear to stop you. The more you practice these little acts of courage, the easier they will become and eventually the larger acts of courage won't feel so unimaginable! You clearly have a compassionate and committed partner in Nellie James. Hers is an act in courage and vulnerability each and every day that she remains open to you and your relationship together. It is not easy to be with a partner when we really do not know what the outcome will be. Generally, we want guarentees in life, even if we logically know that there are none. It takes courage to stand in the presense of that reality.



This is so true.



Absolutely. This is where Chrysler needs to practice Vulnerability.

I wish to acknowledge you both for taking on healing as partners. As I said earlier, it isn't easy and it takes courage and vulnerability on both of your parts and that you are sticking to it is remarkable. I cannot honestly say that I am there in terms of willingness to completely give up "being the healthy one" just yet and although I make a conscious effort to be open and to allow my husband to be a contribution in my life (on a personal level as I never have a problem allowing him to contribute in practical matters of making dinner or sharing in household tasks ) Kudos to you both!

Be well.

Hi Coach Mel,
Thanks for insight once again. I feel that Chrysler and I have turned a big corner in our lives and actually are happy - feel genuinely happy to be together and continue our marrige.

We went through our couples lessons just a few days ago and discussed points of concern. There is no doubt that my anger/rage was out of control at times - a part of me that I don't even recognize, but I realized it was my job to manage for my own emotional health, and I have. Once I got into private counseling, I was able to acknowledge my anger/fear and what was at the heart of it which was basically about feeling unheard and invisible. So I have learned to make myself heard in healthy ways. I have apologized to my husband for my behavior. Through his counseling, he is learning to face his fears head on, and let them go. We have both come a long way.

In fact, I am at a point where some of his behaviors that used to bother me, passive agressive behaviors, for example, are no longer a threat. I suppose I have learned to pick my battles and we no longer do battle, as such, but, we because we are now able, we talk openingly and honestly about everything.

Nellie wrote:


We specifically addressed this a few nights ago while we read our lessons out loud to each other. He explained that he was being honest with me about how he would feel toward himself if he acted out. He doesn't want to be "that person" again, and he can't image his ever acting out again - so if he did, he feels that he might fall apart because he let himself down, not me. I suppose that is what you are saying below. I told him that I still needed him to be transparent - trust me with the truth.

Coach Mel wrote:


Anyway, our recent talk was good. We continue to open up to each other.
We discussed trust, transparency, taking the risk to be honest with me -
it was all good. We plan to do more of this. I am not sure if he actually believes that I can do no wrong. I feel that he still feels guilty about emotionally abusing me for so many years prior to his acting out so he he has to make up for it - maybe with this attitude or need for my approval. He has worked hard on the concept of approval and intellectually undertand that approval has to come from him, not someone outside. Perhaps, he and I should talk about this a bit.

We are reading through the contract. I would like to add a few things, but overall we think it's a great working document - very complete. We are having such a good time in life right now that we are taking this slowly - not pressuring ourselves to get this over with.

Thanks again, Coach Mel.

Nellie James

On September 15, we each printed out copies of the contracts, the SA version and the P version. We both initialed each line as we read through and discussed them.

For the SA contract:
We both felt uncomfortable with the lines that say: "To make the transition to a healthy life a top priority--above even saving my marriage/relationship." So we drew a line through "--above even saving my marriage/relationship" and then initialled it. And in the part that said: "An understanding that there are no quarentees inherent with recovering as a couple. That the decision to continue the relationship has not yet been made. That a healthy decision can't be made until two health individuals merge from the recovery or it becomes apparant that such health will not be achieved." we both felt uncomfortable with it. I felt that it did not describe our situation. We were both aware that recovery should not be fear based, fear of losing the relationship. We both feel that the marriage IS a very important part. I initialed it with a ? and she did not initial it.

She had said the day before that she felt that there should be something in the SA contract about making amends, so I added a paragraph which was taken from the book, How Can I Forgive You by Janis Abrahms Spring. The paragraph was:
Seek forgiveness, not easy superficial forgiveness, but honest, earned forgiveness by:
1. Look at my mistaken assumptions about forgiveness and see how they block my effort to earn forgiveness.
2. Bear witness to the pain I have caused.
3. Look for opportunites to apologize genuinely, non-defensively, responsibly.
4. Seek to understand my behavior and reveal the inglorieous truth bout myself to my wife.
5. Work to earn back trust.
6. Forgive myself for injuring my wife.

Also to the paragraph which says "To encourage my patner in her healing efforts. Not to hijack or manage those efforts, but to support her management of them." she wrote in "and realize the importance of making amends as a healing tool".

I added a line that says, "Work to let go of past/childhood issues, including issues with my mother, father, step-father, and brothers. Do not think of my wife as my mother."

To the existing line that says, "To construct a value system that consists of no less than eight active areas of my life that are capable of generating meaning and purpose (eg marriage, career, kids, hiking, music, etc.)" we clarified that this means "pillars".

To the line that says 'To mechanically monitor my life as laid out by the Revocery Workshop for at least six months. This will involve one month of (less than five minutes) daily monitoring and five months of (less tahn fifteen minutes) weekly minitoring" we added "and regular reading of the contract". I thought that these instructions and frequency of monitoring were meant for those starting the Recovery Lessons and that my monitoring should be as described in the later lessons. I thought that regular reading of the contract would be a good thing.

In the line that says, "That I will immediately share with my partner, support system, and/or recovery coach any ritual that I do not manage successfully", we scratched out "or" because any unsuccessful management of any ritual would need to be shared with my wife.

Similarly, in the next line "To communicate to my partner and/or support system those times when I recognize complacency, confusion or conflict settling in to my recovery" we llined out "and/or support system" because these situations need to be discussed with my wife.

For the Partner's contract:
We read through the version as it was listed in the lesson and initialled each paragraph. Except the very last line "To provide my partner with a safe environment from which he can learn about his addiction, pursue recovery and transition into a health person." We questioned whether is was the partner's responsibility to provide that environment, so neither of us initialled that line.

We put copies of the initialled contracts in a ring binder so that we can each read through them regularly.

Tonight we sat outside and read through the Communications lesson out loud (we had each read it before hand)taking turns and sipping wine in our balmy Indian Summer weather. We noted the kinds of ineffective communication devices we had used as we read about them. Then we did the exercise practicing non-effective and effective techinques for the differing scenarios. I had a good time with it. Got into it. I have come a long way and it makes me happy to realize that. My husband told me that I didn't do a very good job at being non-effective.

I think it's interesting that my husbands idea of non-effective communication is no communication on his part. He forgot about his passive aggressive capabilities. I pointed this out to him later.

All in all it was a very revealing lesson and very thorough is exposing all the stuff that doesn't work.

Nellie James

We read through the lesson on communication together, taking turns reading, then went through the exercises. The exercises went well. I told my wife that she did well on her effective communication but did not do well on her hypothetical ineffective communication. I stated on a couple of the exercises that my ineffective communication would have been no communication at all, because non-communication has been an issue for me to overcome. She stated that passive agreessive communication would have been one of my ineffective communication styles and she is correct. I said that perhaps my staying away from it was because I have been monitoring it so much and working to keep away from it that I did not go there, but perhaps it would have done me some good to do it purposefully and look at myself from the outside. On the last exercise we did not communicate about a hypothetical incident, but took a real incident from my past SA activities. The bad news is that I did get defensive. The good news is that I got defensive later in the conversation rather then starting that way (as I used to do) and that I noticed that I had gotten defensive and pointed it out myself.

I think that this is a very good lesson and I have been watching my communication styles since we went throught it. We have a few times, since completing the lesson, made jokes about ineffective communication. The humor really helps.

We are having fun finding our "love notes." It is a good exercise following the obstacles lesson - heavy duty stuff. It tests, not only our creativity but what we want to say to each other. We haven't found all 10 yet - it may be like an Easter Egg hunt when you continue to find colored eggs into July.

Nellie

While it isn't her job to provide a safe environment, as your partner it is in her best interest to provide this environment. What I took this statement as meaning is that she is ultimately giving you responsibility over your healing in that she will not badger you, hound you or in any other way be at you about what you are or are not doing. It is about creating space. This would also imply that she will manage her own emotions in regard of anything you tell her (ie. pertaining your recovery which could include a relapse or anything previously undisclosed etc.) and that you know that you have to tell her, as this is your responsibility. Anyhow, you need to know that when you do have something to share that it will be met with an open heart and a willingness to listen and accept. This does not mean she has to be nice or cheerful about it and she absolutely should follow through with any consequence she has for this kind of scenario, but that she will not blast you with emotionally charged comments or questions. I know that where you are both at that you are clear on what your respective responsibilities are but you might want to include some sort of safety clause either way, since you are approching this seriously and thoroughly.

Overall, I think the amendments you made, especially the either/or ones show your maturity and responsibility in that you remove the exit claus that would otherwise give you leaway to not share with your wife. It isn't for everyone and it exemplifies your commitment.

On the last exercise we did not communicate about a hypothetical incident, but took a real incident from my past SA activities. The bad news is that I did get defensive. The good news is that I got defensive later in the conversation rather then starting that way (as I used to do) and that I noticed that I had gotten defensive and pointed it out myself.

Thanks for the comments, Coach Mel. Neither of us quite understood the safe environment clause and needed your clarification.

Can you give me an example of a safety clause?

Nellie

Well, Chrysler indicated that you omitted the "to provide my partner with a safe environment" part from the contract. My comment about including some sort of safety clause was in reference to omitting this particular one. Perhaps you could reword it so it better fits your situation but as I suggested because although he is technically responsible for his own life, and you yours, you are none the less working through this as a couple and even if it doesn't necessarily apply (like, you already do provide him a non-threatening space to work through his lessons and to share openly) so it's about balance, not having the process be shared equally, 100% his responsibility and 100% your responsibility... I don't know if this makes any more sense of what I mean...

Just to share from my personal experience, my husband and I decided to stop working in the couple's workshop because neither of us was entirely ready for it. Personally, I wasn't ready to give up "being the healthy one" and to force it was inauthentic for me. But I understand that this is how the couple's workshop is designed~to be equal partners~that the only responsible thing for me to do is say I wasn't ready. He had his own reasons for being uncomfortable with the workshop too and so we stopped. I am not saying you should stop, I am not saying either of you are not ready but what I am saying is that certain clauses like the one omitted are part of the contract for a reason and the reason is because it is assumed that if you are serious about the couple's workshop that you temporarily set aside the "right and wrong" and "good and bad" roles. Chrysler omitting the clause because he feels he rightly should be responsible and that it isn't your job to provide a safe environment, while on one hand is truth and on the other hand it promotes those roles. Providing a safe environment is important and it is equally important that Chrysler manages his perception of the environment as well. I don't really know how else I would word it, though.

We'll talk it over tonight. I think I get what you're saying....I feel at this point we each realize our responsibilities to ourselves as individuals and our responsiblities to each other and our relationship in terms of a "safe environment." My interpretation of that term was a bit different than his take on it. Basically, I just didn't understand what it meant. I didn't attach anymore to it - just wanted clarification. Since neither of us really got it - we decided to delete it. I think we're both past badgering, pointing fingers, or emotional reactive behavior. The lesson on obstacles was a good review of where we've been and what we still have to work on. We are enjoying our gentleness with one another. Life is much more tender, open, and fun.

I think the example I needed was more in re-structuring the original version so I can understand what it better.

Nellie James

P.S. We just purchased a vintage Shasta travel trailer, circa 1956, 6 1/2' by 10' with entire birch plywood interior. Cute. Since we have taken up fishing this summer, we wanted a small trailer to pull behind us to stay the night for week-end trips. We fell in love with old "canned hams," and found one in a nearby town. Restoring it will be our winter project so we are ready to roll come spring. Life is good.

Nellie

This is what came out of our discusssion about responsibility for a safe environment:

Each of us has 100% of the responsibility to follow our values and boundaries on a day to day basis; and each of us is 100% responsible for honoring the other person's values/boundaries.

This means that we do not each have a shared 50/50% responsibility, in that each is not doing it because the other one is doing theirs. But each of us is doing it because each is completely commited to following our own values/boundaries regardless of what the other does.

When I first read through this lesson, I was struck one again by the fact that my H doesn't fit the usual description of sexual addiction beginning in childhood with common behaviors. This has always bothered me - there was no manifestation of SA until late in life (age 52) and he says this is the truth. I do realize that many childhood situations were present to pre-dispose him for an addiction, however. He was raised by a cold and distant German single parent along with two brothers. He was small, shy, picked on by bullies, and grew up lacking in usual social skills, especially regarding girls/women. He has since discovered his extreme anger with his mother and other women in his life. So that does set the stage for SA.

When I had this talk with my H about the scope of his addictiion, I explained that it still throws me off a bit because he doesn't seem to fit the SA pattern where SA behaviors usually started early in life. He understood. I talked about his childhood and then did a somewhat comprehensive accounting of when his SA first showed up and where it took him. I stayed very matter of fact explaining what I knew about and what I didn't know about. No graphic details or emotion. He listened very quietly. I asked him if he felt upset in any way, and he said no, that he thought I did a good job. We talked a bit more, but I didn't want to overload his circuits in any way. Enough is enough. I have learned that.

Since I was already aware of so much of his past over the past two years of ours/his counseling and have been there with him as he has worked through issues like visiting his mother's, father's and brothers' graves this year, the first time in many years, I felt that, in some ways, I was already past this lesson in awareness and understanding and communicatiion. A good reminder, though, nonetheless of where he has been and how far he has come. I have to add, it's a good reminder of how far I've come as well. To be able to offer a straight forward and comprehensive overview of his SA is HUGE for me.

Nellie James

1) I feel that I do help integrate JOY into our relationship because I need it as much as my husband does - in fact, it has become our priority in a way. We started learning how to fish this summer and were happy to get a nibble (never caught anything that was big enough to keep), and I was happy just catching grasshoppers to use for bait. In the process of traveling to creeks, we discovered new out of the way places to eat with homegrown beef. Most recently, we became interesting in very small vintage travel trailers and found and bought one. It's to be our Winter project. He is already into finding original hubcaps and taking off the skin to fix leaks. We have named in our "Playhouse." It's that small and meant for our having fun together. I have encouraged his making pillars in his life by re-connecting with friends who like to motorcycle the backroads and back country in our area and he is doing that. I expect to see him finding more healthy pillars. Good for both of us.

2) I made many mistakes early on, I'm sure, but I don't beat myself up over those. I was hurt, angry, and became depressed. He suffered the fall out which resulted in self-imposed shame and fear for him, but also led to valuable counseling sessions that helped him understand himself and develop self-awareness. But I had to learn patience for myself and with his process in figuring himself out. I also had to learn how much my ruminating affected our relationship in a negative way. I don't think I'm making many mistakes these days - self awareness pays off.

Whether it was a mistake or not, I was the one behind finding a couples counselor, finding RN, and telling him to get a counselor for himself. Now I leave all that up to him. I wait for him to tell me about his counseling sessions which he does voluntarily for the most part. Anyway, I don't think about it like I used to. I finally learned that he is responsible for himself, and I have to let him take that on. In fact, he is currently considering quitting his counseling. His choice to make.

3) As far as role-modeling healthy partnership skills, I feel that I demonstrate being a good listener,; I show love and affection on a regular basis; I don't avoid conflict but make myself heard if I disagree with him; I show my appreciation for his helping me around the house or at my gallery and value his expertise (I tell him so); I continue to hone my communicatiion skills and let him know what I am learning about myself; I work hard at my gallery and honor myself and my interests by doing so; and I encourage our having fun together and playing like kids at times. Should have seen me slide on my bottom down a steep incline just to get to fish-able water - then wade through that cold stream in my shoes. I told him ahead of time, that I would get lost in my adventure and I like that.

So - actually, I think I'm doing pretty good.

Nellie James

and !



It certainly sounds like you are both doing very well! It must feel very satisfying to have come such a long way and to share the journey with one another. Any sort of encouraging or congratulatory words I have seem to undermine the sentiment that your experience deserves so I will leave you with my customary Be well.