Recovery Nation

Hi Mel,
Thanks for your response. Yes, we both have read each other's values and visions and totally agree that our vision need to work together. When I initiated a talk with Chrysler about our vison, I was curious about how he saw a couples vision, and I threw out the idea of spirituality as an example of our couples vision being more than shared activities or pillars in our relationship. Spirituality came to mind because it was something I had asked for when we first came back to our home town. He was very active in a fellowship before but it was much more of a way for him to socialize and be a part of a men's group. I am totally accepting of his relationship with nature - I like that, too, but do want to be part of church home as well.
Yes - I have thought of imput in terms of his values - I don't want this to be driven by me, but, except for ideas for activities, I think he would be happy if I came up with elements of our shared vision. I also want him to honor his own values. At times it feels as though he misses his own boat in applying his values to his life and our relationship. He says he reads through them and feels he is living them, but there are occasions when he doesn't and doesn't seem to be aware of it.

I will take your advice, though, and ask that we sit down, values in hand, and see where we fit, where we don't, and how to fill in the gaps. I can see the need for re-writing my values a bit, refining and adding boundaries to add as much clarity as I can. It's very hard to deal with his remarkable skill at intellectual gymnastics at times - he still falls into passive aggressive communication tactics when he gets stressed.

Thanks again, Mel.

Nellie

It's very hard to deal with his remarkable skill at intellectual gymnastics at times - he still falls into passive aggressive communication tactics when he gets stressed.

Crysler, if you are reading, when you fall into this kind of communication, or feel yourself edging there, remind yourself who you are communicating with--she is not the enemy, one you need to defend yourself from. She is your wife and she loves you immensely and is committed to living a healthy life with you. She is your partner in this. I think it will prove to be freeing for you to take some risks when you are feeling cornered: risk being vulnerable; risk being courageous; risk being fully responsible.

I know it is easy to say, especially as an outsider, but I think sometimes we project the threat onto our partner, when, in reality, it is our own ego that is the threat.

...some words for me to consider, too.

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First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Goodness! I didn't know that the Couples Workshop had been extended - that's good news.
Nellie