Recovery Nation

I am 39, and SweetlyGiddy is 37. We are committed to working on our relationship and to putting our full effort into recovery.

Last night we worked on the caregiver exercise, and had a great experience with it. I really enjoying thinking about what I would do for her that night, and planned out a dinner I thought she would enjoy. It took me about 90 minutes to do the cooking, and she was able to relax during that time. I had hoped to get our house cleaned up a bit better before the night started, but ran out of time.

Our dinner was fun, she was very complimentary of my cooking. She had to show me how to feed her in a way that she could actually eat, and I learned the value of someone who needs care sharing their needs, and the caregiver being willing to listen to those needs. While we ate dinner, we talked about what would happen if one of us actually become unable to care for ourselves. There is no doubt in my mind that SG would care for me under those circumstances, but she expressed some doubt whether I would stay with her if she needed that kind of 24 hour care. This doubt caused me to reflect on the damage I've done to her. I love her, and would never leave her because she needed constant care, but my acting out in addiction has caused her to doubt that love. And why wouldn't it?

After dinner we watched a favorite move of hers, Ferris Buellers Day Off, and had a good time quoting that movie together. The most difficult/uncomfortable/hilarious part of the night was brushing her teeth. I couldn't stop laughing, and my efforts were tickling her mouth so she was laughing too. It was a funny moment, yet it made me realize just how much care people need at times. And it also caused me to contemplate how while SG is not physically unable to care for herself, my dishonesty and acting out have caused her nearly as much damage emotionally. She needs a tremendous amount of care and love right now in order to heal. Just as much care as someone who needs their teeth brushed. I need to be willing to give her that care.

It was a good night, I enjoy planning things for SG, and I had fun getting this night ready. It was nice to spend a night together just enjoying each others company, but it also caused me to contemplate just how much care her soul and emotions need right now. I need to be there to provide that care.

Exercise 2

I will have to admit, I really wasn't looking forward to a night of being cared for to such an extent. I am a very independent person and enjoy caring for myself. It was slightly humiliating to bed fed dinner. I really wanted to just reach for the fork and get the items on my plate that I wanted. I had to just let it happen and express my thoughts a few times so I could get what I wanted. SH made the most incredible dinner for me. Home made Chicken Parmesan, which was incredible. I should never take SH for granted because he usually does cook great meals. I did appreciate the fact that he went out of his way to try a new recipe just for me because he knew it was a favorite of mine. It was fantastic. I enjoyed our conversation back and forth and expressed my thoughts more freely. SH doesn't like to be corrected... not ever. He was feeding me with the fork turned sideways, which was causing the feeding to be difficult for me. I spoke as nicely as possible to ask him to changed the direction of the fork so the food was coming straight on, not sideways. SH listened to my needs and adjusted the way he fed me.

We watched one of my favorite movies and then he attempted to brush my teeth. This again was very awkward to me..... but we did it. The tooth brush tickled on my gums and made me laugh.... and he just laughed and laughed.

He tucked me into bed and then read to me. That was very nice.

While there are many things I do like that SH does/did for me, I still prefer to do things myself. I was a care giver as my job several years ago at a retirement center. I really enjoyed caring for others.... it bonded me to the old people and I felt a tender love for those elderly people. I believe for myself that I enjoy taking care of myself while I can, and do not look forward to the day when someone will have to do those things for me. For me, this exercise was good to let go of some of the control and learn to communicate to my care giver on the things I need and want. For me, it is difficult to ask SH to change or do things different. For one, it isn't well received from SH when I do ask of those things, and second.... I believe SH has to want to make those changes himself or the re-action is just for me and not for him.

Exercise 3, Couples Contract

My Values:
- Trust and honesty in our relationship
- Respect for each other and our healing and the recovery process
- Openness and vulnerability
- Appreciation
- Fidelity to our marriage vows (I do value this, despite so many of my actions for 7 years)
- Spiritual connection
- True connection with each other
- Unselfishness and loving support
- Forgiveness


Potential Values Conflicts (Boundaries)
Consequences are very difficult for me to place on SG. So my work on them may need some improvement.

-No Conversations or relationships with other men that SG would not want me to see or overhear
Consequence: I would want to talk about what happened and who it was with. I would also want to talk about a plan to not have it happen anymore.

-No physical attacking during conversations
Consequence: We will end the conversation and pick it up again at a time when emotions have cooled.

-No reading or looking through my recovery writing without being invited
Consequence:

-No Masturbation except as part of our intimate relationship
Consequence:

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