Recovery Nation

Exercise 1: I have no desire to read that damn letter. If I were to read it, I think I would be too hurt to continue this workshop with my husband.

Exercise 2: Because my husband has no culinary skill, we bought fast food and brought it home after the kids were in bed. The feeding portion of the meal was pretty humerus, he was really slow and missed my mouth a few times, but I appreciated the effort I could see in his eyes.
He rented a romantic comedy that I wanted to see, which is a big thing, b/c my husband usually opt's out of watching "chick flicks" with me. It was pretty late after the movie finished, but he went ahead and started a bath for me. I have to admit, I felt awkward during this part of the exercise. I felt like he had no right seeing me or touching me in the tub naked. I felt like he ruined that privilege. However, I know how important this healing process means to him, and to myself, so I relaxed and let him pamper me. After the bath he brushed my teeth which was really funny, and messy! He brushed my hair, I made him do it twice, it felt so nice, followed by a wonderful massage. Then he fell asleep. I tried waking him up to read to me, but he was too exhausted. It was pretty late. Our evening began late b/c I had to work. So I read aloud to the both of us. Overall, I enjoyed this exercise, hoping that this pampering could occur again every now and again.

Exercise 2:
I really enjoyed this exercise because it made me reflect on a couple of important key points:

1.) The importance of life-long companionship. I feel that this activity helped me appreciate the companionship I receive from my wife. The opportunity that I have to be by her side is a real privilege because she is such a special person. I absolutely adore my wife and all that she does for me on a daily basis. She really does pamper me, and this was the first time that I have ever pampered her to such an extreme degree. It helped me appreciate that much more all that she does for me on a daily basis.

2.) The need to set aside daily time to regularly connect with my wife. My schedule is so chaotic that it is easy for me to put things such as daily, meaningful conversation with my wife on the back-burner. Between work, coaching, church-related responsibilities, and being the father of three small children, there is no lack activities that keep me occupied. Unfortunately, it is my lack of attention to what matters most (i.e. personal health and companionship development) that has led me to procrastinate my personal recovery.

Basically, I am really excited that my wife is willing to put how much I have hurt her aside in order to support me and join in the recovery process. I know that we will be successful in our journey for health-based recovery and healthy living because we both value our relationship so much. I believe that going through this recovery journey will make us a much, much stronger and more mature couple.

Lesson 3 Response:


I value honesty in my relationship with my wife (no lying or half truths from either one of us). I will seek always to believe my spouse and when I think that something is being held back, I will probe openly and with respect. I expect the same from my wife.

I value fidelity in our relationship. Although, neither one of us has ever had a physical relationship outside of our marriage, I now consider the use of pornography to be infidelity. Infidelity is unacceptable by all accounts.

I also value independence (in doing some things with my brothers/friends) that do not violate any other values. I expect to be given the freedom to spend time on occasion with those I love outside of my immediate family.

I value a reasonable sharing of responsibilities within our household. I recognize that I am unable to contribute to the duties of the household at a 50/50 percentage due to my commitments outside of the home, but I recognize that this does not mean that I am "off the hook" when it comes to domestic responsibilities. Clear expectations will be determined in cooperation with my wife through open, respectful dialogue.

I value kindness. In other words, no verbal abuse. When it comes to discussion of past behaviour, I will simply remind my wife to be calm and to discuss any past issues in a calm, open and honest manner, if necessary. I will point out whenever kindness is not shown and explain feelings. I expect a willingness from my wife to discuss differences in a calm and gentle manner without strong negative emotions

I value development of spirituality. I will be true to my own beliefs, even if my personal religious beliefs change over the years. I expect support from my spouse in this going forward, as I will always respect her personal beliefs going forward. In other words, if at any point in the future I decide to make a drastic change in my religious affiliation, I do not want to hear accusations from my wife which imply that such a change will lead to a relapse (due to God's wrath, etc.) If I make a change, it will be out of a sincere desire to improve personal spiritual well-being.

The most important value is that our relationship will be based on unconditional love and acceptance with no reservations, and that my past actions are in the past and will not be held above my head.

Note: I do not expect my partner will violate any of the above values. After all I was the one who was untrue to my values. My spouse did lie to me over an extended period of time regarding her true past sexual behaviour, but I refuse to wallow in self-pity going forward and will no longer dwell on her past behaviour. I recognize that her past behaviour had nothing to do with me or our relationship. However, I do recognize that her lack of honesty was reciprocated by my lack of openness and honesty in the first five years of our marriage. Just as I expect my wife to move on leave the past in the past, I too will take myself out of the "victim" category that I have been allowing myself to use as a justification of addictive behaviour.

What behaviours would I find unacceptable from my partner?

While I understand that my addiction has damaged the intimacy / trust balance needed for a successful marriage, the one behaviour that I would find unacceptable from my partner would be any demeaning / insulting comments that are designed to belittle me as a father or a husband.

What behaviors would cause you to question the overall balance of your partner?

Drastic mood swings and a complete change in attitude towards my recovery and our relationship. Although my wife's emotional mood swings have, on occasion, been an issue during early recovery, I have accepted it as a part of her dealing with the trauma, pain and hurt that she has been experiencing as of late. I understand the difficulty that she is going through. However, I do expect that at some point in the near future, we can move past the initial anger and be able to remove negative emotions from the recovery process altogether.

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner?
I would like to see my partner regain completely her self-esteem to be completely rid of any notion that she had anything directly to do with my addictive behavior. I want to see her regaining respect for and trust in me as I move through my own recovery. When it comes to working through the couples' workshop on recoverynation, I would like to receive support and love from my wife- not belittling / demeaning comments.


Contract:
I expect my spouse to respect the commitment I have made to recovery from my former behaviors and not to dwell further on details of the acting out that I have done in the past. I understand that she has the right to question any actions on my part that might suggest that I might be lying or covering up actions that she thinks might be against my values and her's. I expect that she will be civil and not use verbal abuse towards me, relating to her hurt and pain. I will be willing to discuss openly with her this hurt and will do what I can to help her to overcome it. We will seek to develop a healthy sexual relationship along with doing things that will promote our overall friendship, respecting our individual development as well as our development as a loving couple. I expect to develop and model a healthy relationship as husband and wife for our children. I recognize the need to protect our children by keeping them safe from pornography. I refuse to allow pornography into the home going forward. If at any time either of us feels that it is no longer appropriate or healthy to maintain our relationship as a married couple, I expect that either of us will be open and honest to express this view.

I'd like to thank pvinceh for his exemplary response to this exercise. As you can probably tell, I did use his response as a template for my own. I had a hard time understanding what this exercise was asking me to do as an SA, but I believe that this response sums up my personal feelings and desires when it comes to my recovery contract.

Lesson 3

I value my family. My kids and I have the right to live in a safe home, free from pornography.
I value openness in my relationship with my husband. I expect my husband to come forth and share problems/ slip ups with me, rather than keeping it from me. We are here to work on this recovery together.
I value honestly and trust. No more lying or half truths.
I value integrity.
I value my spirituality. My religious views and practices.
I value my individual worth and overall health.
I value sexual fidelity. (This also includes having a clean mind). Intimacy is between "us" not the pornography images he has viewed.

What behaviours would I find completely unacceptable in your partner?

The use of pornography, including internet (all aspects if the internet), porn found on cable/movies, strip clubs, magazines or other pictures. Basically all/any form of pornography is unacceptable from my partner.

What behaviour would cause you to worry about your partners overall balance?

My husband has many obligations outside the home. Many people rely on him. He tries to balance everything and please everyone in the same manner. The problem with this is that our family time gets lost in the shuffle and we are no longer apart of that "balance." Sadly when this occurs it is usually an indication that he has been involved in pornography in some form. He becomes withdrawn, off in his own thoughts, general communication/family involvement suffers. From this behaviour also comes the lying, example: staying up late to "work" on something important.

What behaviour would symbolize a return to their addiction and or a detriment to their own healing?

*When trivial things become too important that he needs to stay up all night to work on it.
*When he no longer has a priority to complete this recovery. The "newly wed phase" is over, confessions and anger have subsided, time elapses and life carries on.
*When family time is no longer a priority.
*Above behaviours in previous question.

What healthy behaviour would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?

*I would like to see that he truly values what we have together.
*I want him to ignore the voice in his head that tells him he has some extra work that needs immediate attention late at night on the computer which leads to further sexual stimulation.
*He needs to think about what his actions will cost him if he gives into his impulses.
*I would like him to work on his personal spirituality. I would like to see the light that was once in his eyes and soul.
*No more unnecessary late nights. He needs to accept the outcome if his time is managed poorly.
*Complete honesty and openness. We have been through all this before, no need to lye. Lying only makes our goals further away. And yes, it will hurt me each and every time he has a "confession."
*Realise this is something he cannot do this on his own.

Consequences if contract is broken

*If pornography is found in the home/computer etc. The S.P. will be informed. He will also lose all computer access/cell phone access/tv movie rentals. This will be done by installing a series of passwords and time restrictions. He will need to resort to his brothers computer, at which time, his brother will be informed of the reasons. I know his brother does not tolerate pornography and will also intervene.
*My husband and the above mentioned brother have a business together and when staying in hotels, the brother is to be aware of what we are working on and make necessary arrangements when choosing hotels. There are to be no free pornography channels.
*If the use of pornography occurs at any time, he is to sleep in another room until I feel I can speak to him calmly and or forgive him.
*If caught lying or has put off telling me the truth he is to sleep in another room until I feel I can speak to him calmly and or forgive him.
*If he puts off this recovery, (if I always have to remind him about it), I will no longer participate in the couples recovery and he must do the individual workshop.
*If he abuses the new foundation we are trying to build in our marriage and throws all of this recovery away and goes back to his sexual addition, he can find elsewhere to live.