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PostPosted: Sun Sep 09, 2012 3:17 am 

Joined: Tue Sep 06, 2011 2:14 pm
Posts: 207
Sunshine found a thread in the Partner's forum here which was about working on intimacy. One post contained an exercise that a couple had gone through, that I think might be useful to us even as I'm thinking about the trust issue. The thread puts forward the view that trust forms out of intimacy, rather than intimacy being based on trust, or maybe I've read it wrong. It seems likely to me that the two develop together, one building on the other [Edit: Yup, Coach C agrees here ].

Here's the exercise:
We began by looking at the messages we carried from our childhoods. We each took time to think about the frameworks we were given as children. Then we talked to each other about our findings.

Here is a list of the sort of things we looked at:
  • As a child, when did I feel loved?
  • As a child, how did my family celebrate special occasions eg. birthdays and Christmas?
  • As a child, did I always feel safe and secure?
  • As a child, how did I see that my parents sorted out their disagreements?
  • Did I see them arguing and making up too?
  • How did my mother talk about my father when he was not around? And vice versa?
  • How much time did my parents spend together and what did they do with that time?
Sharing the answers to these questions gave us an opportunity to talk about our feelings, without any contention or potential for arguments. It helped to create a greater awareness of the different messages we had each brought with us to our marriage.

Also this suggestion here:
We try to do nightly diad talks which is topic based (3 topics on a piece of paper).We draw the paper randomly and take turns talking/listening for a 3 minute period per topic. There is no question and answer time - just listening and talking. We each do each topic. And we sit knee to knee in dining room chairs looking directing each others eyes. In fact, we do a 2 minutes stare without talking before we even begin.

There was a game mentioned in the thread (that I was able to also find via which I think does much the same thing - gives you the cards to draw from, so I've ordered that.

Then Coach C summarises the suggestions in this post.

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