Recovery Nation

MrDon
Hi, this is the first entry of MrDon's and Lia's couples recovery thread.
The 2nd exercize is quite difficult for us due to being long distance. We only have communication through IM and Skype, which sadly made the 3 first requirements of the exercise physically impossible.. But, we still tried, doing our best.
The plan began with a bit of a hickup as I had decided to buy her the favorite takeout for her, but due to cash-shortage it turned into a "Free-takeout" token to be redeemed at any time instead.
As there was no possibility of doing that, the mood was a bit down, as I played her one of her favorite movies, Sound of Music, watching it together with her. It was a really quite nice experience, even though we weren't together physically. We just watched, and talked about some of the favorite scenes. In a few scenes I felt very touched, very close to her, even imagining ourselves in a marriage-scene. It felt a lot more touching than if I had watched it alone, incredibly so.
The mood just got better as the movie went on, and it was very good at the end of it, where I read her a few poems I'd written during the day. Usually, I feel a bit awkward reading them to her, but after the movie they seemed to suit in perfectly for the moment.
The second thing we did was that I read a book to her over Skype, "Charlie and the Chocolate factory", a book we'd been talking about at some times before. It was a little bit awkward in the beginning, but when I got into it, I really enjoyed it. Just the simple fact I was doing something for her that she's completely able to do herself, taking care of her in that way, made me so aware of how truly grateful I am for such an incredible woman to be my girlfriend. I wasn't planning to read a lot of it, but we just went on and on for longer than I had planned to. After we finished.. I felt incredibly light-hearted, like I was up on top of a cloud, just from truly showing my love with care for her, in the best way I could, trying to focus on how fragile this relationship, and her health is. One sentence could break her heart all over again, like the many previous times.

Lia
movie:
sceptical at first, woried he didnt like the movie
really enjoyed and felt happy
made me feel loved n romantic
made me feel certain about relationship
during movie imagined nice things as us in movie


book:
sceptical at first and felt awkward
immiedietly relaxed into it
felt calm, happy, taken care of
did not feel like he was being condasending

Lesson 3

Lia
boundaries:
lies are unacceptable in any circumstance
Cheating and manipulation is unacceptable
backstabbing behaviour
Stealing
Controlling behaviour


I value:
Being told the truth no matter how painfull
Being made to feel special and loved
Knowing the truth about everything
People doing the small things for me that really count
That warm feeling inside when i make someone feel happy
People like Alex and David for doing what they do for the world
My friends
The comfort my pets bring
My imagination and creativity

---------------------------
question 2:

a) lying, cheating, disrespect, being late, not showing love, taking me for granted
b) All the above
c) All the above +asking for more freedom online and media. (eg torrents, movies)
d) telling the truth, no more porn, respecting me and showing it every day, showing me
love every day, showing me i have value, not making everything sexual

--------------------------------

question 3:

Any of the above i will try and talk to him about why the things have happened calmly
and without insulting and yelling to try and understand. However if he responds with more
of the above, and repeating same things to me (same methods, same buying time, same
bullshit, same lies, same promises) I will end the relationship. If porn is in any format the
relationship will be ended without discussion.


If he treats me in the positive ways mentioned above I will show gratitude and show a
MINIMAL amount of praise that he is doing well and treating me the way i should be
treated.



MrDon
Values:
Absolutely honest
Normal
Being in touch with my inner self
Decent
Humble
Strength
Loving
Spiritual
Respectfull
Willfull

Boundaries:
Never watching porn again.
Never MB'ing in excess.
Never being a sheeple.

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?
Cheating.
Talk about what had happened, eventually forgive and move forward.
Lying.
Talk calmly about why she lied, what need there was for it, and move forward.
Faking love.
Talk calmly about why and understand if I have been the cause of it, or if the cause of it can be fixed somehow.

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?
Overly worrying about my recovery.
Selflessly question those worries, without getting overly defensive. Respond calmly with honest views, but without pushing them onto her.
Opening up old wounds.
Show empathy for the hurt I have caused her, and put extra effort into making her feel more loved and special again.

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?
Asking specific details about why I engaged in my porn addiction.
Answer them truthfully, but also just ask if it truly does help her to ask questions such as those. Never lie, but show care for her.

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?
Slowly rebuilding trust.
Earning that trust with honesty, selflessness and gratefulness.
Leaving the past where it is, behind us.
Leaving it there aswell, not returning to worry and wallow in shame/misery.
Looking at the now and the future, but without worrying.
To do the same, to focus on what I can do right now to make the day as good as possible, rather than worrying about next week.