Recovery Nation

wow. this feels weird. but i suppose the only way to do this is just to do it.

about me:
i'm a woman, 28 years old. i have a couple of college degrees and am currently pursuing a third. i am very much a feminist. not in the commonly misconceived "man-hating" way, though, so please don't misunderstand that aspect of me. (i may hate men at the moment, but not as general rule.) i am, if you'll pardon the cliche, not religious, but i am spiritual. i am very nurturing by nature. i am very much an individual, and i have been blessed with a clear, though sometimes flexible, sense of who i am.



about the relationship:
my partner is a man, age 30. we've been together for 3 years, but we were also high school sweethearts. he has three children from another relationship. their bio-mom doesn't bother with them much, so we are the custodial parents. and i love the kids immensely. if it weren't for them i probably would have left this relationship long ago because of all the issues with emotional intimacy (or lackthereof) and generally feeling disrespected.



about my partner (i'll call him j):
my partner is intelligent and unconventionally masculine. on the surface he respects women, but speaking from experience i often feel like he takes charge without even thinking that i may have a different idea. he also interrupts me when i speak and sometimes overrides me in an annoyingly authoritative way.

i believe he has a capacity for deep and strong emotions. but he is really really repressed in this aspect. he allows himself some degree of anger (but he is cautious of his temper), and occasionally shows how loving he is, but generally seems mostly to be sulking.

he is good with the kids, though. that's a plus.



about what brings me here:
j recently admitted to me that he is addicted to pornography.

i've known some of this for at least 2 1/2 years, but i didn't know the extent until last week. over the years i have found numerous items of porn. the pattern was what i am now learning is pretty typical. i'd find it (accidentally the first time), confront him (tearfully and angrily), he'd say he'd stop, i'd still be suspicious and often ask him if he was still porn-free, he'd say yes, and eventually my hyper-vigilant snooping would find something else.

predictably, once he understood how much it upset me (he was used to girls who didn't mind, and who even bought it for him), he became secretive about it and would come up with the stupidest most outlandish lies when caught with anything. he said that it must have been my (male) best friend who was looking at stuff on the computer until i showed him that the timing meant he was the only one home, and then it must have been the computer randomly popping up stuff while he unknowingly went about his innocent business. or the guys at work must have thought it would be funny to plant that video in his backpack. his brother must have locked those pictures up in our personal filing safe. etc.

then, when forced to admit to having looked at the porn, there was always some innocentish reason. he was looking because he was curious. his friends don't have internet access and wanted to know which club has the best looking strippers (yeah. seriously. he thought this would be an okay excuse). he just feels drawn to value the beauty of women. it's not sexual. so on and so forth.

one thing he was absolutely clear on: he did not masturbate to it. it might turn him on. he might have a hard time resisting it. but he never fantasized about what he saw and never mentally fucked any of the women. (pardon my language, but in a forum like this, i'm sure that word is the least of all our worries.)

years of sex-policing and many discoveries later he finally caved.

last tuesday he admitted that for pretty much the duration of our relationship he has been masturbating to orgasm using pornography once every week or two.

this devastated me.

as much as it hurt that he even looked, i could always calm myself by telling myself that at least i was the only one he actually wanted. the only one he had sex with. maybe it's not technically, actually, really sex... but it hurts so much that it is hard to think that technical, actual, real sex would be much worse.



where are we now:
in his admission he said that he feels terrible. that he has been trying for three years to be the man i need and deserve, and he's been failing over and over. that he doesn't know why he does it, but he does know that if it hurts me he wants to get better. he wants to fix it.

that's when i started looking up things about porn addiction, and suggesting that he look into it. since then he has said that, yes, that is the problem, and he wants to recover.

at this point i must admit to some skepticism. i fear that he is just using the addiction model as a way to attempt to excuse his behavior. that maybe this is just another way to distract me so that he can go about his business.

but he does seem sincere, and i guess only time will tell.

i have set the rule that if he slips or something he needs to talk to me about it, and at that point we can attempt to work through it. but if i catch him in any more deception we will separate. he said he understands and agrees.

as for sex now, i haven't felt the desire yet. i think i am still too hurt to not feel dirty. he wants to, but he also respects that i'm not ready. i do want advice though. is it advisable to have sex with him once i do want to? or is it better for his addiction if he has to be abstinent for a while? if so, how long?

as for me, i am greatly looking forward to the deepened intimacy that this recovery may bring to us. if he finally learns to deal with his emotions... gods. that could be wonderful for both of us.

obviously this is quite long. there's still a lot to say, but it is late and i have to work in the morning.

i haven't been able to log on to the check-list and healing manager. it just keeps telling me it's the wrong password. i just joined, so it shouldn't be changes that the site underwent. any ideas?

thanks!

Hi gorgon,

I am not tech savvy so I will bring your glitch to Coach Cheryl's attention.

the pattern was what i am now learning is pretty typical. i'd find it (accidentally the first time), confront him (tearfully and angrily), he'd say he'd stop, i'd still be suspicious and often ask him if he was still porn-free, he'd say yes, and eventually my hyper-vigilant snooping would find something else.

yes, the pattern is typical!

as much as it hurt that he even looked, i could always calm myself by telling myself that at least i was the only one he actually wanted. the only one he had sex with. maybe it's not technically, actually, really sex... but it hurts so much that it is hard to think that technical, actual, real sex would be much worse.

Although it may be a difficult concept to understand at this moment, his addiction is not about you. It is not because he "wants" any of the persons in the pornography he uses~note the word "uses"~the people are of little consequence as they are objects to him~a means to an end. As you continue through the workshop, you will learn more about this.

i fear that he is just using the addiction model as a way to attempt to excuse his behavior. that maybe this is just another way to distract me so that he can go about his business.

You will also learn how to discern his level of sincerity.

i have set the rule that if he slips or something he needs to talk to me about it, and at that point we can attempt to work through it. but if i catch him in any more deception we will separate. he said he understands and agrees.

It is quite possible that he is agreeing for the sake of immediate gratification~getting past this hurdle. If he truly has an addiction, this rule will likely land you separated as deception is a part of addiction and until he is able to completely separate himself from his addiction, he will continue to use deception (among other strategies) in an attempt to avoid the consequences of his actions and behaviors. This is just what is so when we are talking of a person with addiction.

is it advisable to have sex with him once i do want to? or is it better for his addiction if he has to be abstinent for a while?

your job is to focus on what you need for your healing and his job is to focus on his recovery. abstinence is important in terms of resetting the sexual template~but that means he would have to abstain from all forms of sexuality. There was a conversation in the community forum that addressed abstinence in recovery: http://recoverynation.com/partnersbb/vi ... abstinence

Welcome to Recovery Nation. I am certain that you will find the workshop to be of great value.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

i'm not sure what happened, but suddenly i am able to log on to the checklist and healing manager.

I fixed it for you and sent you a pm :)

there's so much to write here, that it's hard to know where to start. again. so my main goal right now is to create something that i can look back at... something that can remind me what i'm trying to do for myself.

i know that i need to work harder on putting me first. right now that's easy. i'm so cautious and self-protective that it's instinctive. but what about when i start to trust again? when the anger and pain fades and isn't constantly reminding me of how much i need to feel better? that's what i've got to watch out for. but i still do want the bad feelings to fade, and i want to trust again.

thus, my first goal/vision. if j and i recover, i want to find a way to trust and love and enjoy my partnership again, but i want to do it in such a way that i am still taking care of me. i want to be a loving partner to j, but also to myself.

i will fall back in love with myself, and i will not let me down.

how will i do this? well, i will take time for me. i will go to the zoo alone (which i love) once a month or so. i will take more time for my homework so that i can finally finish my degree and move forward into a job i might actually like. i will do the things that soothe me, like growing plants and beading. i hope that i will find the energy and motivation to work out again, but i won't do it so that i can look better to j; i'll do it so that i can feel my muscles growing and moving under my skin. i'll go out dancing with my friends more often than i have been.

the problem with this writing is that these are all things i've been aware of needing to do anyway. maybe now i'll be better about doing them.

things i wasn't so aware of: i will stop being a porn patrolman. if i feel like i need to see what's going on, fine, i'll check. but i'll check for my own sake. and i'll stop being so compulsive about it. (already i've been better about this. i used to spend half an hour or so almost every day sifting through the computer, but in the last week and a half i've only looked twice, and both of those times were probably less than 5 minutes.)

i think i need to get back in touch with my spirituality. my witchy side, as it were. i need to burn sage and invite sacred dreams and sit quietly in front of my altar. i want to thank the birds for singing and the flowers for opening.

and even though i know i need to put myself first in many ways, i also need to be a good mother. to our kids and our pets and to myself. i'm not sure how to improve my parenting at this point. i feel i am already pretty supportive and nurturing. but i need to make sure i don't lose touch with that, and i need to make sure i remember to enjoy it.

i want to find ways to laugh more.

i will carry myself with as much confidence and grace as i can manage, because i have learned over the years that sometimes putting on a brave face is the best way to find your bravery. and that holding my head high and my back strong, and letting myself strut just a little feels really good.

i feel like i'm forgetting some basic aspect of this answer. but again it is late and i am tired.



"I love everything about me.
I love my uncanny beauty and my bewildering pain.
I love my hungry soul and my wounded longing.
I love my flaws, my fears, and my scary frontiers.

I will never forsake, betray, or deceive myself.
I will always adore, forgive, and believe in myself.
I will never refuse, abandon, or scorn myself.
I will always amuse, delight, and redeem myself."
-Rob Brezsny

It is more helpful if you think of your vision as something that you will develop whether your partner recovers or not.

Your vision is quite tentative at the moment - almost as if you feel too anxious to contemplate it - perhaps if you give it time to settle into your mind you will find that it is something that can give you great strength for the rest of your life.

Perhaps just do one thing a day that validates your vision - it can be something small or large - so that you can feel yourself working it.

thanks for the feedback, Zandie.

i basically agree with what you've said. i guess the problem for me is that i'm coming to this workshop after years of therapy, the reading and application of self-help books, and having earned my b.a. in psychology. thus i've already spent tons of time in self-contemplation and figuring out how best to help myself thrive. this is not to say that i have it all figured out (if i did i wouldn't be doing this workshop), just that it's hard for me to come up with anything new for me to try or to have any real novel ideas.

so i guess my vision of what i need to do for me is simply to apply what i already know. to make sure that i'm actually doing what it is i know i should be doing.

maybe in time this vision excercise will make more sense to me than it does right now.



and i completely agree with this. but knowing myself, i know that the biggest challenges will come if he and i do stay together. if we split up i most likely will fall into my own pattern of taking care of me (after a rough mourning period). i've spent a lot of time single. i'm good at single.

i just wanted to clarify that i was just highlighting something that i know will be particularly challenging for me. but i am not at all certain how he and i will work out. i do recognize that this workshop is about me and my healing, and i'm not trying to skirt that issue.


i love this idea! thanks!

oy. a few hours ago i sat and typed and typed and typed my story out, but then my computer glitched or the site timed out or something, and i lost the whole thing. quite frustrating. nonetheless i'm gonna try to retype it here as best i can. i felt like i had some good epiphanies, and i'd like to have them written down for those times i forget.

so, obviously, i'm back. after a long time. my partner recently relapsed, and that brought my "foundation of sand" tumbling down. i flaked on my recovery last time, and i'm hoping that will give me an advantage this time. for one thing, i've seen how doing what i did doesn't work. i've also been dealing with a lot of pain in the interim (more on that later), and i am hopeful that i can now start moving toward a place of less pain.

but i need to think about why i flaked last time. for one thing, my partner quickly stopped doing his recovery work, and convinced me that he was all better. all the pretty lies and convenient shortcuts seemed so much more pleasant and so much easier, so i took them. thanks to what i went through after that, i think i may be less susceptible to that. for one, i now know from experience that i have my own healing to do. even if j is fully recovered, that does not negate the damage that's already been done.

after the last time, i went through hell. at first it was just really intense pain and jealousy. i could hardly function. in the first couple of weeks after the disclosure, i cried several times a day. i even drank myself into oblivion a couple of times (and i NEVER ever do that. not even accidentally. i don't even like feeling a little drunk, let alone that drunk) because i just wanted a break from the pain and rage.

months after that, i developed insomnia that prevented me from sleeping more than a few hours a day, almost every day, for at least 7 months. otc meds didn't help. ambien only helped for a few weeks. i finally had to start using seroquel (which is major stuff) to sleep.

my sex drive gradually dried up to nothing. like, pre-pubescent nothing. when j would touch me that way i almost always felt dirty and ashamed, like i was being molested or something. on the few occasions when i became sexually aroused it literally hurt. physically. it wasn't a lot of pain, but it definitely wasn't normal. attempts to make love often ended in tears on my part.

and there were (and still are) the body image and confidence issues to deal with, the resentment and repulsion i feel for j, the mental images that pop into my head unbidden, the constant little things that remind me of what happened and spin me back into a funk. i have essentially been a wreck for the last 2 and a half years.

j watched all of this. and then he did it again!

my point here is that last time he told me he needed my support, my love, my understanding, etc. he opened up about a lot of things, and because i loved him i felt his pain and i wanted to help him. i prioritized his recovery over my own needs. misguided, i know.

and yet, even after seeing how his behavior devastated me, he still did it again. i know (or i try to believe, anyway) that his addiction is not about me. but he has shown me that even knowing the harm it does, he is still not willing/able to make the right choices. his callous disregard for my well-being has kind of exempted me from feeling so obligated to care about his well-being. maybe that's the wrong way to look at it, but there it is. he certainly didn't take care of me, so it's okay for me to not take care of him. it's rather liberating.

i also keep thinking back to the last couple of years. we constantly fought over my "inability to forgive," "unwillingness to let go," "incapacity for trust," etc. even i mostly believed that i was just a nutcase unable to let the past be the past. i fought my lack of libido pretty much daily (though i rarely won and usually i just ended up feeling guilty for not meeting my partner's needs). now i see how unfair it was of us to treat my feelings that way.

for one thing, j's problem was obviously not resolved, so, really, was it so wrong of me to still feel so much doubt about his recovery?

and for another, i never prioritized fixing myself. how could i expect myself to get better when j was the only one taking the metaphorical medicine (though he didn't exactly take his full course either)?

over and over i read that the addiction is not about me. that he doesn't look at porn because i'm not attractive enough, or even because i don't "put out" enough, etc. part of that message being that my getting better (i.e. skinnier, more confident, more libidinous) will not help him get better. but i still felt like him getting better (i.e. not acting out, being less distant, showing his emotions) would help me get better. and then we both blamed me when it didn't work.

anyway, i hope that the wisdom i gained from the interim suffering will help me to find and maintain myself.


last night i had a revealing experience as well. i found my old myspace page. i all but stopped bothering with it after j and i got serious and started having issues (this being waaaay before i knew about the porn) because i was so caught up in my own little world... and also because i was feeling very depressed and i didn't want anyone else to see it. but finding it again made me realize how much damage the last almost 6 years has done to my psyche. i read blog entries about things i was excited about, and fun i was having. i don't get excited much anymore, and i'm pretty sure that i genuinely laugh out loud less than once a month now. i saw pictures on there where i looked genuinely happy and confident, and i kept thinking how much prettier i was then.

and it occurred to me that a) maybe i am still pretty and have just lost the ability to see that about myself and b) I AM NOT JUST A MISERABLE WRETCH WHO IS INCAPABLE OF HAPPINESS! that maybe 6 years of having myself eroded by someone who clearly isn't able to handle their own issues in a healthy way has taken a major toll.

and then i read somewhere on RN (though i can't find it now) how being committed to someone who deceives themselves and you, and who deals with issues with such immaturity, can do exactly that. it can slowly erode the partner. suddenly i realized that i had to look back a lot a further, and examine issues a lot less obvious. i can't assume that his acting out and lying about that are the only things that damaged me. it's even deeper than that (which is terrifying, because "that" runs deep).

all of that said, i am aware that not all of my issues come from j. matter-of-fact, i'm pretty sure that none of them truly do. he hurt me, to be sure, but all of the buttons he smashed were already there for the pressing. porn has always been an issue for me in relationships. (although my first relationship was actually with j, who was already addicted then, and that probably didn't help... but we did break up for almost a decade, during which i had a number of other wonderful, and not so wonderful, relationships. i was never comfortable with porn.) and thanks to my parent's issues and expectations, confidence has always been a difficult thing for me to maintain. to top it off, i am, and always have been, very intensely emotional, and i tend toward depression and anxiety.

but somehow i did manage to function and to even be happy to be alive more often than not. and i lost that. j didn't take it from me, at least not without my help. i failed myself, and i allowed all of the little manipulations, deceptions, and humiliations (and really, when a man is that immersed in the less up-with-women variety of porn, is it surprising if they start to unconsciously see and treat women with just a little less respect?) to wear me down. which i guess leads into assignment 2 if i recall correctly... figuring out my vision for myself.

and to actually do what assignment 1 asks and tell the story of what brought me here, i'll actually cut and paste what i wrote on another forum the day after i found out about j's return to porn use:

Hi all.

I feel a little weird airing my dirty laundry to a bunch of strangers, but I am so hurt and angry right now, and I have no one in my life that I feel I can talk to. I'm sure many of you can relate.

I also feel like this is nothing compared to what others here are facing. My partner's not an alcoholic. He's not on drugs. As far as I know, he's not even sleeping around (though I'm currently not so certain of that). I feel like a whiner.

So, my (hetero) partner of almost 6 years has a pornography addiction. It came up when we first got together, but at that point I had no idea of the extent or that he was addicted. I said I couldn't handle not being the only one, he said okay, he'd get rid of it. For the next few years I would occasionally find stuff here and there, we'd fight, and again he'd say he would get rid of it. Then about 2 and a half years ago, I found a bunch of files on his computer. At that point he confessed that he had an addiction, and we both started doing stuff to recover (online forum boards, online self-help programs, etc. We're kinda poor and couldn't afford therapy/groups). He stopped with the self-help stuff pretty quick and said that just admitting his problem and facing it had empowered him enough to quit. He let me put trackers and keyloggers and stuff on his computer, and for over two years I found nothing that could be conclusively linked to him.

I was wrecked by what he had done, and I'll admit that I was having a VERY hard time letting go of the resentment, and was only slowly coming to trust him. My sex drive and body image were destroyed, and I'd been seeing an endocrinologist (because my insurance will cover that, but not mental health) to try to get my libido back. We even took pictures of ourselves a bunch of times in the hopes that that would give him something to look at, and help me feel more like I am what he wants. It was far from perfect, but I was finally starting to feel better, more optimistic, less hateful of him.

Until yesterday. Yesterday I found almost 18 gigabytes of porn (mostly photos) on several thumbdrives he carried in his backpack. Files dated throughout the last year (on my birthday he was downloading porn. Thanksgiving. Our anniversary. Valentine's day. And a whole bunch of other insignificant dates between). He's been looking at it at work and claims that he downloads stuff and then never looks at it again.

He cried (for about 30 seconds) and begged me to help him get better. Claimed that he looks at the pictures of other women and thinks of me. I won't get into specifics, but it wasn't the worst stuff. He likes young looking women, but not kids. No extreme bondage s&m stuff, just picture after picture of perfect girls doing explicit things and being thoroughly objectified. As a feminist and a strong, smart woman, this crap disgusts me. Always has. And as his partner... it hurts. So bad. On so many levels.

I am just lost now. I feel so much hate and rage. I hate him. And I hate me. I blame him. And I blame myself.

Now he's acting fairly apathetic and he keeps getting frustrated with me for not being "supportive", and keeps demanding that if I don't start acting like I want us to work, there's no point in him trying. I keep trying to explain that it is normal for someone in my position to feel the way I do.

And he keeps getting frustrated that I am demanding answers, but then not believing them when he tells me. Why should I believe him? He's been lying to me almost daily. Constantly assuring me that his addiction is behind us, that he doesn't want anyone else.

So much of what he says makes no sense at all, but maybe that's just me. I've never been okay with porn in my relationships, I've always been threatened by it, and most of the time that wasn't a problem. He keeps saying how he looks at other women in those pictures and thinks of me. So, if what he really wants is me (a 31 year old brunette, 5ft8 160lbs) then why is he looking at an 18 year old skinny blonde? Things like this just don't make sense in my head. And in many cases he already has pictures of me doing the exact same thing that these porn stars are doing.

Right now I'm just so full of negative emotions, and I have nowhere to put them. I just want them to go away, but I know that's not realistic. So I'm venting here, in the hopes that someone can understand and offer insight, and that maybe that will help me feel better. Help me move forward. And that maybe someone will tell me that I'm not a bad person for feeling so devastated by something as minor as porn.

Another question I have, is if anyone knows of any good resources for secular help for these sorts of things? It seems like the overwhelming majority of books and such about coping with a partner's sexual addiction are written for Christians, which I am not. I'm starting to get the message that only Christians have a hard time with this, and that other people, of other (or no) faith don't see an issue when their partner "has impure thoughts" about people other than their SO. Is this something wrong with me? I don't want him to be chaste because the Bible says that's the right way to be. I want him to be mentally and physically faithful because I am the only one he wants.

since then i've calmed down considerably. i'm feeling less venomous and hateful, but still not feeling very loving or generous. he's still sleeping on the floor (which i think will continue until i am more sure of what i want, and he is making progress with recovery and deciding what he wants). i feel less compelled to have answers, but i suspect that is largely because the intro assured me that honest answers would come eventually, once he is further in his learning/healing/recovering.

i know that right now i am at a high point in my rollercoaster, and i know that it will go down again. probably further down than i can imagine, and certainly sooner than i want it to.

thanks for reading my brain vomit. i'm mostly writing it so that i can revisit it later, but i appreciate anyone who takes the time to "listen".

lesson 2: reclaiming my life

this is where i got hung up last time... i've been thinking about this for almost a week and it's not becoming much clearer. so, what i will do is attempt to describe those things about me that made me feel good in the past, before j. i miss me. what follows is stuff i envision reconnecting to. i don't really go into the specific hows here, but i'm assuming that is for a later lesson.


i am a proudly unique individual. i may dress "goth" and attract the attention of strangers (but not TO attract the attention of strangers), but i take pride in challenging their shallow world view. i may have stopped shaving my legs and armpits 12 years ago, but that won't stop me from wearing shorts and tank tops. i do not play myself up to perturb other people, nor do i play myself down to blend in. i recognize that holding my head high and being entirely myself is the best way to master my natural tendency to anxiety. being unapologetically me is the best armor against the opinions of others (so shoot your arrows. it won't hurt me). i cherish my strangeness.

i enjoy being alone. i like to take walks by myself, to shop by myself, to go dancing by myself.

i will find space for me in my home. i will not fail to hang up my pictures of apes and monkeys. i will find a place for my altar. i will find a quiet place to read.

i like spoiling myself for its own sake. i enjoy cooking myself a fancy meal for no particular reason. perhaps i will even share these meals with others.

i am intelligent. i enjoy intellectual discussions, and in many subjects i can carry my own weight. i am educated and i cultivate my own passions and knowledge base. i will learn about things that don't relate directly to my life, and i will enjoy moments of epiphany and fascination.

i am sometimes almost absurdly enthusiastic. i am silly. and wacky. i have fun.

i am kind and compassionate.

i love music. i love dancing to it. i love really absorbing myself in listening to it. i love having it to energize me when i do chores. i will have music in my home.

my body is strong and unique. i love the way it looks and feels. i nourish it without caloric restriction, and exercise it to keep my muscles feeling strong. i think that my face is just fine without makeup. i haven't worn makeup since high school, and i will stop feeling bad about that.



this is by no means complete, but it's a start. feedback is greatly appreciated. i want this to be a solid and effective vision to orient myself to. i don't want to get lost again.

rereading that, i realize that it sounds as if i have no values. this is not the case. i have very strong, if unconventional, morals and values. i just don't feel that i lost most of those. i primarily lost valuing myself and treating myself in the ways that i morally try to treat others. and i have lost touch with feeling compassion for my partner.

I feel a little guilty for being so verbose. I hope that it isn't wearing down anyone's patience. I'm naturally this way, and writing helps me to both externalize my feelings and to process them. Thanks for reading and feedback.

Lesson 3:

This one is tricky, too, because I have SO OFTEN felt "in my gut" that something was wrong. My partner and I have discussed it, and while I believe that my general feeling was accurate (as proven by what I later discovered), he has pointed out a few instances where I found what I thought was evidence and he truly did prove that it was not. I tend to get suspicious of anything having to do with him that I either don't understand, or that I had to find (through my policing behaviors) and he did not volunteer. That said, there are, of course, things that I found that were every bit as bad as my gut told me they were at first.

One example is that about 7 months ago I found a list of porn sites on the notepad app of his phone (okay, this probably doesn't even count as a "gut" thing, because it's pretty concrete). I confronted him and he very quickly and smoothly told me that he had let one of the people at his job use his phone, and this guy was known as a trouble maker (he even showed me incident reports proving that), and he must've thought it would be funny to put that stuff there. There were a number of reasons this didn't make sense, but the incident reports combined with actual security camera footage of this guy getting something (theoretically the phone) from J, and bringing it back to him a few minutes later were pretty darn convincing.

The story is particularly memorable to me because when I first found it, the ground dropped out from under me, everything shattered, and all I could feel was that it was happening again. But when J "proved" to me that it wasn't what it so convincingly looked like, I felt so relieved and happy, and that was when I really set about trying to trust him again. I now know that he was lying, but at the time, I just felt like it affirmed that I was paranoid and he was really trustworthy. There were a number of happy "I can trust him!" journal entries after that.


Another example has to do with his job. His taste in porn runs toward the barely 18 type, and after about 16 months in recovery, he was finally able to find a steady job in this economy. The problem: it was as a graveyard shift security guard for a co-ed college dorm. It terrified me. But we needed the money and he convinced me that he didn't have those urges or desires anymore, so it would be okay. The only noticeable behavior change he exhibited after starting the job was that he seemed to be trying to be "cool" and striving to fit in with the college kids he quickly befriended. I now know that after just one month of employment there he was looking at and downloading porn while at work. From what I can tell, almost all of his porn acquisition has taken place there. So, now I know that he was(?) spending 2 to 4 hours a night, 3 or so nights a week acting out.

The tricky part here is that he still works there, and he refuses to leave, saying that the dorm has nothing to do with his problem. I am skeptical and I am almost crippled with worry some nights. My gut says that as an addict it is not helpful for him to be bored throughout his shift in a building full of women I fear are his "type" (he denies this) with untraceable (by me) internet access. But I also know that we can't afford for him to be unemployed (and by that I mean that we would probably lose our car, possibly our house, and all of our groceries would have to go on my credit cards. Even with both of our incomes we can barely make ends meet). To top it off, I feel almost insulted that despite the pain that his behavior has caused me, he is unwilling to even discuss leaving a situation that I feel really contributed to it.

With the experiences I've gained, I think that right now I am apt to feel suspicious of everything. However, I know that the dorm remains a major issue for me. I want to trust him, but I feel the dorm has already proven to be hazardous.


I have a hard time accepting explanations from him that don't make sense to me. One example is that I used to ask him what he did at work the night before, and he would often say "nothing" or "I just sat there." I know him pretty well (in some ways anyway) and I know that he never does nothing. He is compelled to constantly do something. He even has a hard time not doing other stuff while we are having serious conversations. So every time he said he did "nothing" I got all twisted up inside because my gut said that didn't fit. Now I know what "nothing" meant.

There are also some things that I found on one of his porn discs that nag at me constantly because they don't make sense. These discs were entirely filled with porn and a few internet photos of women that were almost pornographic. With maybe two dozen exceptions. Most of these were those funny motivational posters (of which he has hundreds on there, but all but a few were motivational posters containing sexy women). But there were 3 files that were image files with just fancy formatted writing. One said "Lick it before you stick it." One said "Keep Calm and Touch Yourself." And the really worrisome one said "Yeah. I kinda want to fuck you." He swears that he saved those just because he "found them amusing," but I have never known him to have such a juvenile sense of humor.

The other, and most scary, file was a photo he took with his phone of the student ID of one of the RAs in the dorm. It's not at all pornographic. But he took this picture for some reason. Deleted it from his phone for some reason. And saved it onto one of his porn discs for some reason. Since I found this file, I also saw that he has visited her Facebook profile on at least a few occasions. I will also add that she is gorgeous. And similar to the sort of women he has porn of. He keeps saying that he doesn't know why he took, saved, or hid this photo. He swears he is not even attracted to her. (But he also swears that he's not attracted to any of the women he had naked pictures of. Even the individuals whom he had literally thousands of photos of.)


I am also having a hard time believing that he is working on recovery. From my perspective, if he had that much time to act out, he should now have that much time to work on recovery. He says he is working on it for several hours almost every night, but I don't see any results. I mean, he is generally being more compassionate toward me, and seems to be exhibiting a greater sense of empathy and concern, but he could be faking it. And he has yet to post one lesson. He says it's just really difficult, but I am doubtful.


C) predictable conflicts between my gut and my value system and reality:

Right now my gut sounds the alarm whenever things don't make sense. If J gives me an explanation, and things still don't make sense to me, my gut keeps on freaking out, even if I want to believe him. I also feel that I won't confidently believe much of anything he tells me until I have some reason to. Proof, if iron-clad, would probably do the trick (no guarantees, though, as he is a gifted liar). I am also going to need to see some concrete evidence of his recovery efforts before I will trust that they are real. Basically, my gut doesn't trust him. Nor does my mind/heart. This may conflict with reality, as perhaps he is sometimes telling the truth.

This doesn't conflict with my values right now, as my focus is on me. If I don't feel safe from this trauma, that is a problem. If he cannot actually earn my trust back, then I am not upset with myself for not handing it to him. My values say to help him to become a better person, but they don't dictate that I allow him to deceive me again. I don't think I will trust him until he gets to the disclosure stage, and trusting him after that will depend on what other changes I'm seeing in his life and attitude (if his recovery looks genuine and strong).

Lesson 4:

1) I believe my partner will retain a number of values. (Some of these I believe he has lost touch with, but I think they are a part of him nonetheless.)
-Strength (in many ways he is my rock)
-Compassion
-Passion (for life, for love, for kittens. Not *just* sexual passion.)
-Kindness
-He does seem to really love me.
-He loves his kids.
-Loyalty to friends & family
-Sense of priorities that means he will gladly spend a lot of money to take care of a sick pet.
-Open-mindedness
-Intelligence
-Generosity
-He does volunteer activities
-Protectiveness

I think he really wants to be emotionally intimate with me, and that he wants to make me feel happy and desired and loved. I think he wants to communicate with me and be understood, to be able to understand me. I think he really wants to be my perfect partner. But he lacks the skills and the emotional awareness to do so. He'll never be perfect, of course, but I think if he learns to BE the person he pretends to be (when we're alone anyway) he will be pretty damn close to my perfect partner.

I think/hope that the lying, passive aggression, indifference to everything, lack of emotions other than anger, disrespectfulness, grumpiness, distance, cockiness, etc, will eventually fall away. I think the ugly mask he puts on is his armor against everything he doesn't know how to deal with. I really beleive (on good days) that the man I thought I was falling in love with is hiding and hurting under all this stupid armor.

2) I suspect that the following traits are also truly part of who he is, and probably won't change.
-Laziness
-Temper (though I suspect that this one will improve, I don't think it will go away entirely.)
-Tendency to "zone out" for long periods on TV and video games
-Lack of romance (I think that he might finally understand the need to try, though. And that's what counts.)
-Childlike finance management

Lesson 5

A. How do you manage your stress? What would it take for you to become so emotionally overwhelmed that you would turn to irrational behavior to produce enough intensity to escape from that stress? Can you think of a time in your life that you have turned to such a measure?

My healthy ways of managing stress include listening to music and dancing (when I can, which is rare). I sometimes find exercise to be helpful after a stressful night at work. I also tend to gripe to J and my coworkers, and to write down my complaints (been using this board for that lately). But, I am not great at managing stress. I'm not sure what I usually do. I think I tend to bottle it up and wait for it to naturally dissipate over time.

Irrational behavior I use to escape stress? I'm not sure if this is an escape so much as a venting, but I think that when I have too much stress and no time/means to get it out, I tend to blow up easier about other stuff. For instance, if I have a crappy night at work, and then J comes home grumpy, we're almost guaranteed to fight.

This very afternoon I managed my stress quite badly. J and I were intimate the night before for only the second time since d-day. And it was VERY intimate. Very slow and loving and vulnerable and emotionally intense. Then we slept, and I had a few nightmares related to his P usage. I woke up around noon and he was already awake. I was hungry, so I attempted to go to the kitchen for a snack, thinking I would take it back to the bedroom, eat, and then fall back asleep. But, as I passed through the living room, he turned from his video game and started asking me questions. Just stuff like if I wanted to go back to sleep or what he should do. Totally acceptable questions. I freaked out. I threw my snack away and started yelling because I was half-awake and I didn't know how to answers his questions. It took a few more hours of arguing, but when the dust settled, I realized that I was feeling vulnerable because I let my walls down with him the night before, and I don't yet feel safe in the relationship due to his SA, and so I was basically a powder keg waiting for anything to set off the panic I was barely holding just under the surface. I was scared and irrational, and I also really felt compelled to put my walls back up.

As for behaviors that help me escape stress, I can't think of anything. I have a very hard time letting go of stressors. Much as I wish this were not the case, it is incredibly rare that anything distracts me from what is bothering me. I think my own psyche resists any attempt to momentarily forget.

I think that fear, which is a prominent influence in my life anyway, is one source of stress that can easily drive me to irrationality. If there was something that I had found that would make it go away, even temporarily, I would probably use it.

B. Consider a compulsive behavior that you have engaged in. Break it down thoroughly. Get a sense for the anxiety that you experienced prior to engaging in the act. Imagine the continued anxiety that you would have experienced had you not engaged in the act. Describe that anxiety in your own words.

I know I have compulsive behaviors, but they seem so minor to me right now. I guess one big one I can break down and look at is washing my hands. I don't wash them 20 times a day or anything, but I do hate it when they feel dirty. If I've been sweating, I feel like there is a film on my hands. They just bother me until I can wash them, and when I do I will make sure to get all the lotiony soap feel off of them and rinse them in cold cold water for a while. Somehow this makes the rest of my body feel cooler, at least until my hands get sweaty again. If I were to not wash my hands, I would continue to feel grimy and hot. I would not want to touch my face or hair.

I also have weird feelings about numbers. These feeling tend to manifest in terms of time. For instance, I like the numbers 3, 6, 9, and 12. So I will often stop the microwave when there are 3, 6, 9, or 12 seconds left on the timer. Or at work I run a lot of reports. I quite often try to print them at times like 3:12 or 3:33 or 4:56 so that that number will print out on them. Leading up to this, I check the time frequently to make sure I am printing at the right moment, but many nights I forget to do even that. When I don't/can't do these things, it doesn't really bother me. I notice, and may mentally say something along the lines of “damn”, but I don't dwell on it.
 
C. In contemplating the role that addiction has played in your partner's life, imagine what his/her life would be like without this life management skill in place. To be clear, the task here is not to imagine his life without the consequences of the addiction, but to imagine how he would manage his emotions without having the compulsive act to engage in. How would he stimulate himself emotionally? What would he use to regulate his stress? Not how should he, mind you, but how would he?

I think J would probably just focus more on his other compulsive behaviors. He would play Warcraft and Starwars online even more. He would be more obsessed with collecting action figures (yes, we are nerds. I collect, too.) I think he would find other ways to pass large amounts of time without dealing with RL (gamer speak for Real Life).

If he was not able to do that, I think he would be an angry wreck. He has a bad temper and a tendency to pout. I think he would explode often enough to drive away most of the people who love him, and be continuously sullen. Maybe he would drink too much (this is not at all his habit now, but I know that in the past he has often gotten wasted when upset) or start doing drugs. He would possibly surround himself with shallow friends who would push him to do nothing but enjoy himself with no deeper considerations.

It's good that you have learned what works/doesn't work for you. Always remember that what you get out of the workshop is relative to what you put in. Welcome back.

Good. Also, the workshop is full of insight and guides you through a process of life buiding which actually facilitates healing (instead of it being the other way around) so, even if you ended your relationship today, the workshop is still completely relevant and invaluable.

No, it isn't about you. There is, however, a difference between addiction and "callous disregard". Also, no one is ever obligated to look after another. Our choices and actions should always come from our values, not because we feel we "should". More on this later in the workshop.

Absolutely. Additionally, it is a sign that he has not taken responsibility for his actions, that he was more focused on immediate gratificaiton (a get over it already attitiude) and selfishness (looking after his own emotional discomfort).

It takes two healthy people to have a healthy relationship. He is 100% responsible for his own recovery and you are 100% responsible for your healing. That said, in a healhty relationship it takes two people, each 100% responsible, to achieve balanced health. You are completely correct that it doesn't work when only one of you takes responsibility.

This insight and self-awareness is advantageous for your healing.

Do not diminish your experience. There is no "worse addiction", or "worse experience", only different experiences of very similar situations. What is worse is merely a matter of personal values and opinions and we do not judge each other based on either. (well, maybe some privately do, but that is between them and their personal values, and not about anyone else)

The reality is that, in the context of addiction, none of these days are significant. That is not to say that your birthday is not important, or any other day that you value, only that addiciton is indiscriminant and is an equal opportunity condition. It's the same thing as "it's not about you"--it's not about your birthday, it's not about Valentines day etc. And, work, home, in the car, at the mall, in the next room while you sleep... these details are irrelevant (unless they in some way play a role in the manipulation of his emotions/the intensity of his emotions, in which case they are significant in the context of addiction).

It is very dangerous to play those games with yourself, the shifting line in the sand. This is how our values become skewed, because instead of looking at what our boundaries are, we allow their excuses and justifcaitons to sound rational, to seem logical, and we make exceptions. But, because of something in psychology called the "adaptation level phenomenon", that which we settle for becomes our new normal, from which we compare any new instances. And, because of the same phenonmenon, addiction escalates, and so, as the addiction escalates, we become accustomed to things that are further from our original boundaries. The result is that our boundaries and values gradually become skewed over time, incrementally, adaptively, and so years later what we would once have been a deal breaker, we now finding is "not so bad" compared to what we most recently settled for. We are so far off our mark. This is why focusing on our vision, and fortifying our values is much of the work of this workshop. You health begins and ends with your vision and your values and how well you protect them.

This is the duality of addiction. You represent his socially accepted "normal" life, and the women he looks at are part of his secret addict life. Given his attitude (as you expressed preivously) it should be apparent to you that he objectifies you as much as he objectifies the women in the porn. Again, this is why shifting the focus off of what he is or isn't doing, and onto what you can do for yourself is what will bring you balance and will strengthen you as an idividual. He will either follow suit, or he won't. Either way, you will be equipped to live a life that you find meaning and purpose in.


For starters, the workshop here is non denominational. There are many partners/recoverers who are Christian, but the resource itself does not discriminate. Also, just because a resource promotes faith in God, does not mean that you cannot take what does apply, and leave the rest.

This is a good place to start. For more ideas on how to approach your vision: http://www.recoverynation.com/partnersb ... 22&t=18712 And, what you have is very good for starters, sufficient for this exercise and yes, there is more development futher in the workshop.

These also need to be included in your vision. Your vision is your comprehensive roadmap for life; it's about how you live your life, not simply for fixing what is wrong.

Just because you did not find evidence for a particular gut feeling, or that he was able to "prove" otherwise, does not mean that your gut was steering you wrong. Often, you gut will point you in the right direction, or simply indicate that something is wrong, or needs your attention, but doens't necessarily point to exactly what is wrong. Getting caught up in this kind of proof seeking will be more detrimental to you trusting your intuition in the long run. All you need to know now is that your gut is a better indicator of what is going on than what he says, or what "evidence" he brings to the table.

Thinking about what was going on before this, what led up to you checking, what feelings were you experiencing, what your inner voice was telling you, will help you hone in on what is real intuition and what is compulsive snooping. If you were in sheer panic, compulsively obsessed then your finding this was less driven by intuition than habitual snooping. If, however, you had a handle on these emotions, and you were simply struck with a thought to check and acted on it then this may be more of an intuitive thing.


I'd say he is in denial, and what is worse is that in this enviroment he has a very obvious opportunitiy should his addiction escalate. That said, the concern here is that your focus seems to be on managing the risks.

It's more likly that he sought this job because of the prospects/an environment rich with opportunity.

Yes, this is serious. It is a stalking kind of behaviour. It sounds like his addiction includes romantic delusions and perhaps stalking. This is serious. That all of this is going on indicates that he is not working on his recovery at all. Instead, he is likely taking his addiction deeper into the shadows, getting better at hiding and lying. It's "really difficult" because it is not within the scope of immediate gratification and it does not offer the kind of emotional stimulation he is looking for. He is not in recovery. He is lying to you. Normally I wouldn't be so blunt, and I generally tend to give the person in recovery the benefit of the doubt, especially when it is early in the process. But, this is neither early in the process, nor is there any doubt in my mind.

Also, you can't help him become a better person. He has to want to do that for himself. Were he committed then you could at best stand by him while he navigates his own recovery, but you cannot "help" him. But, it is obvious that he is not committed. The changes you have seen are more likely because he is learning how to operate within the boundaries of what is expected/accepted by you, not because he is actively engaged in his own recovery.

These could have more to do with/be symptomatic of his love/romantic addiction and part of his ritual could be getting you to buy into it. For more info on love addiction: http://www.recoverynation.com/main/la.htm

The good news is that, if he does commit and actively participate in a health based recovery, these traits should technically be transformed in the process, as they are part of the addiction. That said, there is much work for him to do, and he would have to choose and then actively seek to transform these parts of himself, according to his vision and his values.


Consider that exploding/freaking out is one such way of releasing the stress that you have not effectively dealt with, which is an escape of sorts, in that it offers an immediate sense of relief. And, likely you may experience guilt afterwards, which creates additional stress that, when not dealt with in a healthy manner will contribute to futher eventual explosions. It's a pattern that is similar to the pattern of acting out.

Your hand washing and number watching seem like obsessive behaviours. Not severely escalated ones, but ones that have the potential to escalate if left unchecked. You may wish to talk to a doctor about it, get some counselling. It is good that you do not dwell on it, after you miss an "opportunity". Don't make a big deal out of it (as that could potentially drive an escalation). What I would do is acknowledge yourself for the times you don't engage, instead of saying "damn", say "good".

I know this is a lot to take in and you have a difficult road ahead of you. We do not recommend making life changing choices until you have some solid stability and healing under your belt. I would keep your boundary of him sleeping on the floor and I would immediately start reaching out for some RL support, setting up your support system, perhpas including a professional in this system. You can always contact one of the coaches here through pm or email (ie. coachname@recoverynation.com) however outside of professional coaching (which we do offer on RN) the time we give is on a volunteer basis.

I wish you well this time around. You are a strong person and you have much potential. Take care of you.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)