Recovery Nation

Today I posted a reply on the community support forum, but I thought I should post it in my healing thread as a reminder to myself. The question was: What is a healthy way to deal with anger?

For me the most important thing I can do with my anger is to respect it. Anger is both very basic and very complicated, which means there are many aspects that must be considered, when giving anger its due respect. These are my opinions only – to quote so many wise women here “take what is helpful and lose the restâ€Â

What thoughtful attention you have given your anger! Your insights are profoundly impacting and I hope that others will benefit from your having shared (I know I have!)

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Hi CoachMel - thanks for validating my thoughts on anger. I am finding that the more respect I give to my anger, the more I am able to find the proper place for it and the more I am able to look what is beneath it.

Over the last several days, I have been highly aware of the difference between new anger (healthy, when respected) and old anger. During recent bouts of continually struggling to maintain or achieve emotional stability I have had a strong awareness of the ease with which my old anger is readily available to be stirred up. But finally, I have actively and deliberately chosen not to. Here is what I found: Even after all this time and through all of my healing, there is still a profound emptiness and true loss. It has created a void in me that physically manifests itself as the sensation of my chest caving in. I can now see how conjuring my anger generated the internal energy that I could physically feel as a counterforce that would push outward from my heart and resist the caving sensation.

So if I don’t want to stir up old anger, and I don’t want my chest to cave in, what do I do now? I came up with these answers:
1. Pay respect to the sadness, but don’t do it alone. I cried in my husband’s arms and verbalized my current feelings of sadness and loss. I did my best to ensure that he knew it was not to attack or punish or berate him, but that I just need to release the sadness, and I wanted to do it in the safety and comfort of his arms.
2. Do what I tell everybody else to do, when I respond to support forum posts – do your lessons! I have been stuck on this one, since before I started posting my Minerva Memoirs. I still feel that both my husband and I have a tremendous amount of personal and interpersonal work left to do before I am ready to begin feeling genuine forgiveness (yes – I very much embrace Janis Abrams Springs’s book on forgiveness). But I have been stuck on this lesson too long. So here is part A.

A. Consider the consequences of your partner's behavior over the course of your lifetime. How might they affect future decisions that you make? What positive roles might these consequences play in your life?

The ultimate consequence of my husband’s behavior is that it has definitively altered my view of the path I was on, where I thought I had been and what I thought the journey ahead would look like. I always have and will continue to determine, create and follow my path according to my vision and values. What has changed is my perception of what I see and a deeper awareness of my response. Examples:

* As my daughters progress from their high school years, through college and into adulthood, I will take care to provide guidance in areas I never imagined. I will search to find away to teach them to look beyond the life of guaranteed emotionally security and unconditional trust that I believe they aspire to because this is what they saw me believe I had, and they saw the peace and happiness it gave me. This guidance will take the form of continued discussions about values, emotions, behaviors, needs, wants, expectations and especially perceptions.

* I will be more actively aware of my boundaries, and the fact that no matter how clearly I communicate them or how obviously self-evident I think they are, does not imply that they will be universally recognized or honored. There will be times when people deliberately and shamelessly defy my boundaries, times when people attempt to circumvent or sneak around my boundaries and times when people inadvertently bump or crash into them. In the past I have handled boundary violations by losing my temper, distancing myself from the offender, rationalizing the offense or condemning the offense. In the future I will need to continuously check in with my values and my vision to determine the most appropriate and effective consequences for boundary violations. As boundary violations occur, I will need to actively decide how I wish to respond, rather than going on autopilot with my emotions fueled by self-righteousness.

* I will take a more active role lead in reducing the intrusion of the cheap sexuality into my life. This includes turning off, leaving the presence of, and/or verbally stating my objection to TV shows and movies that glorify or normalize cheap sexuality. This also includes removing myself from or verbally challenging this intrusion in social situations.

* I will continue, more so now than ever, to pay the utmost respect for my own sexual values, and will not discount or sacrifice them for the sake of anyone else’s pleasure or sexual needs. I will continue to desire and act on the desire to give my husband great sexual pleasure and satisfaction, but never at the expense of my sexual values.

* I will continue to post my thoughts and feelings, here on RN, as long as I feel that my contributions provide comfort, insight or guidance for those who so desperately need it. One day, when I may truly feel that we have healed and recovered to the point that I no longer require the support here on RN, I may choose to stay on and offer my support.

* I will share the full range of my emotional state, my needs, my wants and my expectations more openly with my husband, for the sake of sharing and establishing honesty. I will not dilute or dissipate, focus or laser-beam them to protect or punish him.

* I will vary the decisions I make in my life to achieve a balance between ensuring that I am my own master of my level of emotional fulfillment and allowing myself to enjoy the freedom and security derived from trusting that I can count on my husband for emotional fulfillment, as well.

* In less than two years, both of my daughters will be away at college, far enough away that there will likely only be phone or online contact, except for semester breaks. This will open a large window (I almost said “leave a largeâ€Â

The Minerva Memoirs -4/6/2010

On Making a Road Map of My Life

My usual appointment with my amazing counselor goes like this … I show up for my appointment, she greets me kindly and asks “how was your week?â€Â

Continuation of yesterdays post...

My Road Map is an Amazing Document. When I drew it, I had no idea how it was going to turn out in terms of form, content and focus. I started on the right hand side of the page, in the direction of the future calling it “The Land of Where I Want to Be … Where I Always Thought I Was … All that Makes Sense to Meâ€Â

The Minerva Memoirs 05/02/10

On Being Grateful (a letter to my husband)

Today I am grateful for many things and with love, I share my gratitude here.

1. I am grateful for a second choice to enjoy a sunny warm Saturday, after having squandered last week’s sunshine in a deluge of my own sadness and depression. I am grateful to myself for seizing the day and paying full honor to this second chance.

2. I am grateful for my healthy and powerful sexual appetite and my healthy and powerful sexual values … and I am grateful for the peace and delight I feel when these are honored and enjoyed. I am grateful for my womanhood.

3. I am grateful that you had the courage and the honor and the values, to bring up the conversation where you were not sure if you had crossed any boundaries here … and I wasn’t really sure either … and we gave ourselves the benefit of the doubt.

4. I am grateful that in last few days, I looked in your eyes and saw the reflection of my love. I am grateful for my own understanding that this doesn’t replace my needs and expectations regarding what I’ve asked you to do so that you may truly earn my forgiveness.

5. I am grateful for the gift of music – the artists and masters that I love so much, and for my own voice – and for the friends that are fun to play music with, too.

6. I am grateful that you made me a tasty and nutritious breakfast this morning.

7. I am grateful for your tenderness.

8. I am grateful that on Tuesday, you met with a new counselor, recommended by your previous counselor and that you did this by your own choice ... and that she is female and that I asked how if you were OK with that and you answered in a positive and affirmative manner … and that she is also trained in hypnotherapy and that you told her what your objectives were.

9. I am grateful that you share with me that your homework from your first session was to daily note 3 things for which you are grateful … and I am grateful that you shared your gratitude with me.

10. I am grateful that on Thursday our couples meeting went from difficult to healing … I am grateful that I told you that while I loved looking at the photos from our dating and honeymoon days, I don’t want to look at any pictures from the 15 years during which you were compartmentalizing your mind, until after you have located, inspected and revealed to me the contents of your compartments in that era …

11. I am grateful for the way you listened when I described my thoughts of what our cleansing and closure Ritual and Gesture By Which You Symbolically Undo each mistake you made … and I am grateful that you knew in your heart that it would involve fire and that your very saying so told me you felt ownership in this process … and I am grateful that we agreed to develop this when we were ready, and then we moved on from there.

12. I am grateful that I didn’t feeling like stirring up any unresolved anger and deep sadness left over from previous couples meetings, and that we agreed that if I felt the need to revisit these old feelings it would be good if I wrote them up and printed them for you – so you could know my feelings without me hurling them at you.

13. I’m grateful that we moved the venue and focus of the couples meeting to the hot tub, where we shared our thoughts about gratitude … and I am grateful that I gave myself permission to express gratitude in the same sentence in which I honor anger, sadness and grief – and that I could honor these first, but then state something for which I am honestly grateful

14. And I am grateful that ever since that moment, I have been able to think of many things for which I am grateful… and I have enjoyed sharing them out loud with you.

15. I am grateful to you for going to work every day and providing security, comfort and some very nice things for our family. And I am grateful that you have really put this into balance and have learned to come home and enjoy home as much as you can.

05/03/10

Today I begin the leg of my healing journey where I teach my Resentment and my Gratitude to live side by side. Why must I Honor my Resentment? Because it still exists inside of me, and interferes with the rest of my life when it tries to get out, and screams even louder if it feels trapped inside. Because when I Honor my Resentment, it will know that I have done all I can for it and in return it will stand down and allow me to Honor my Gratitude.

Today I resented the very novel I was reading, waiting for my husband to come to bed on the last D-Day so long ago… an otherwise wonderful novel. I have often thought of burning it – for I remember what was happening behind my back, while I turned it’s very pages. Of all the nights my husband continues to keep compartmentalized and unrevealed – he has never discussed who HE was on that day. He understands that I expect that one day he will, and there will be a Ritual and Gesture to Symbolically Undo his mistake on that day. Part of that ritual will involve burning that book. (I’ll know I’m truly healed when I go out and buy myself a new copy and reread it and enjoy it!!)

So today, I am teaching my Resentment and Gratitude to live side by side. I spent a few moments resenting the loss of enjoyment I should have had for that book. Then I spent twice that amount of time, reading with Gratitude the novel that I am currently enjoying. I am Grateful for talented authors of fiction and I am Grateful that today I was up to a Really Great Part in a Really Great Book. And I am Grateful that I took those few moments to Honor my Resentment, so that I didn’t even question whether my Gratitude was fakeface or patronizing or denial or forced or resigned.

The Minerva Memoirs 07/07/2010

On Being Ahead

Last week with my counselor, I was bemoaning the slow pace of my husband’s emotional growth and level of self-awareness … that I keep hoping that his counselor will help him see who he was and why he did what he did … to help him open up the compartments in his mind, dump and inspect the contents, and understand so he can totally control the whole compartmentalization process. My counselor and I have often discussed that I am ahead of him intellectually and emotionally … that I have been the one finding and connecting the dots.

So for homework, she told me to do some journaling:
a) What was he supposed to be “ahead of meâ€Â

Is it intentional? I see you have written 3X as much about men and their contribution and imprint on your being than you did about women... and it is interesting that you had a poignant moment when you realized that you were not going to grow up to be a great man like your father and should pay more attention to women...

As always, I enjoy reading your reflections and introspections. I like the idea of a road map... it's like combining your vision with your autobiography, in one concise, chronological and omniscient view of the Totality of One's Life! How Enlightening and Empowering! I love it!!!

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

My Dear CoachMel,

How wonderful it is for me to find your pearls in my thread. From my lesson on Values, you know how much I enjoy External Validation!

Part of the reason it was mostly about men, is because I was focusing on where my expections of what a Man is and what a Husband is. But true - I was always a "one of the guys" type of girl, until I began acting on that realization at age 19, and began cultivating female friendships. However, it wasn't until I was coming up on my 40s that I really began to specifically seek out women as a social group ... I usually had one or two girl friends for sharing deep thoughts and feelings but a bunch of guys to hang around and have laughs and fun with. Now that I am looking at 50, I am pleased to say that I have an AMAZING group of "girls my age in my neighborhood that I play with" we have fun and laughs AND share deep thoughts and feelings.

As for the road map ... why not get yourself a big piece of paper and draw one of your own ... you will amaze yourself!

I will be away on vacation for 2 weeks with my family ... I continue my healing and look to my Vision Values and Boundaries every moment of every day of my life. Although a slow, arduous and sometimes painful journey, I am healing ... I have great moments where there is much love in my heart and I am able to share it ...

I look forward to posting and becoming a bit more active in the forum again, when I return

Sometime ago, perhaps in the last fall or early winter I coined this phrase "a Gesture and Ritual by Which You Sumbolically Undo the Mistakes that Cannot Be Undone". It has been many months since I shared with my husband that this is what I require, so that I can open my heart up and learn forgiveness.

He has done his best to try to understand my request, but he has not as of yet been able to take that first leap. Last week, I went with him to his therapist ... we were supposed to bring an item that we needed to negotiate, so that she could see first hand how we interact. The meeting took it's own course, so at the close of our session, I gave her a printout of the following, which is what I had hoped to discuss and wish with all my heart she will use all of her professional and intuitive powers to help him with. I also gave a copy to my husband, later that evening:

[color=blue]The Minerva Memoirs 07/26/2010

On Making Amends

I keep a Kosher kitchen – we have shared with openness from both sides – a respect for the ritual of bringing G-d into one’s daily life. It is done for the sake of doing it, and being mindful. Mistakes and oversights happen … a dairy knife used to prep a meat meal … leftover takeout food eaten with a kosher fork … whatever … There is a ritual to “purifyâ€Â

The Minerva Memoirs 08/09/2010

On The Exchange of an Amend and a Forgiveness

As promised, last Monday night my husband came to me ready to offer a Single Amend by which with a Ritual and Gesture He Would Symbolically Undo one specific day that should never have happened the way it did.

He recalled a specific Sunday from the Spring of 2006 … at first he didn’t understand that it was OK with me that he didn’t know exactly what day it was. What was important to me was that he knew the general timeframe within our lives AND that he was remembering actual events, not just making up what probably might have happened. He held a paper in his hand, but he did not read from it. He told me that as he reread what he wrote, he realized that it was at first all about him, and where he was at the time, and he understood that that wasn’t exactly what I wanted.

So he told me about the morning and what I was doing … I woke up early, I was getting myself and the children ready for Hebrew School … he remembered being aware that I was there and was doing something good and healthy for the family, but he remembered not really taking the time to notice me … not taking a moment to appreciate. He recalled knowing, before I left, that he would probably go to the study to do work and masturbate to porn. I could tell he didn’t want to talk much about what he actually had done, but I hold strong to the voice that links my Head, Heart and Gut that tells me that the Ritual Undoing is only as Effective as One’s Awareness of what is Being Symbolically Undone. So I asked him questions … not with pounding insistence, but with a soft tone and a true desire to Know and Understand. So as he told me what he had done … I asked what he wished he had done instead. I asked him what he typed into his computer. I asked what it was like to be him … what was he looking for … how did he decide … I asked if, as he was telling me, he could actually see himself … as if he was looking over his own shoulder. And I asked him to tell me the various moments that he could have stopped and diverted himself from the path he was on. And he told me what he could have done and what he now wishes he had done. I then asked him to picture himself interacting with me when I came home … he remembers small talk, and staying absorbed in his work, which made it easier to push it from his mind. I asked if he remembered turning a blind eye to any Sunday Afternoon Delights I might have invited or suggested, but where unnoticed or undesired because he had tended to his own needs. He could not particularly remember, but he could see that it may have very likely happened.

As the Ritual and Gesture, he burned the paper. I spoke of how with this Ritual and Gesture, that which Cannot Be Undone In Actuality was Undone Symbolically. I understand that it happened, and all of our wishing it hadn’t cannot make it so. But I declared that with this Ritual and Gesture, this one Mistake was Honored and Laid To Rest. I asked that its ashes be placed in a container … a pitcher high up above the kitchen cabinets … where it would not be in my face, but I could see it. It would serve as a reminder that if this One Single Day, ever came back to haunt me with anger, sadness or disdain … I would have this tangible reminder that it was Honored and Laid to Rest. And then I would be able to Let it Rest.

I then found, in my lovely seashell collection, a very tiny, nearly perfect spiral of a shell. I gave it to him and declared it to be a Token of My First Act of Forgiveness … that in my heart I found a Small Piece of Forgiveness for that One Single Mistake, that was just Symbolically Undone. I Understood in my Mind and in my Heart that on that one Sunday in the Spring of 2006, he was already deep into his addiction and that he did not have the inner strength to not do what he wishes he hadn’t and instead to have done what he wishes he did. I felt some understanding, a fair amount of empathy, but mostly a deep love ... and so I was able to find in my Heart with Honesty and Tenderness a small bit of forgiveness. I asked him to find a suitable container for this token, where we could see it. I told him that it would serve to me as a reminder that I have forgiven him for this one single day from our past.

Forgiveness is a new experience for me … It would be a dishonor to give it away cheaply. I like Janis Abrams Spring’s notion that it is something that must be earned. I feel most comfortable with the notion that an Amend and a Forgiveness is a transaction, by which the offended party has given the offender a chance to settle his debt … and I am now honor-bound to remember that my husband has done all that he can do, to undo this one day and I must now lay it down to rest.

I experienced the most amazing peace for the next day or two. Our bond was strengthened. My heart was lightened. I knew I would never experience that by simply announcing that forgiveness was simply granted as a gift from my heart. I told him what I needed in order for me to feel that it was truly earned. And he did it, to the very best of his ability. It meant the world to me.

Over the next few days, I was saddened to find that he never once mentioned it out loud … he didn’t say how much it released his burden, or how much my little forgiveness meant. He didn’t take the care to communicate to me, how he could see and feel the lightness in my heart. I was devastated that the moment of Amends and Forgiveness we shared, was apparently no more than a moment and did not seem to merit a mention from him. I was so disappointed that for all the times we had passed through the kitchen, I never once saw him look up and take pause to notice the pitcher of ashes and the shot glass with the tiny sea shell, as if our exchange of amends and forgiveness was no more meaningful than any other thing experienced in the moment.

But this journey continues …

The Minerva Memoirs 09/09/2010

On Learning to Forgive

I had great visions of what would unfold, once we began the Ritual and Gesture to Symbolically Undo those Mistakes that Cannot Be Undone in Actuality. We are not there yet, but we continually struggle alone and together to define what this means to each of us and as a couple.

Vision: that once the process started, it would open the door and quickly move from a trickle to a flow to a flood of Remembrance, Understanding, Truth, Honesty, Transparency, Compassion, Empathy, Repairs, and Forgiveness.
My Perception of Reality: It is still a trickle … remembrance is still terribly difficult and painful and slow in coming … when it does come, the understanding is not as deep or complete as I am seeking … the peace I achieve through forgiveness seems to fade and get buried under the rubble of new hurts on top of the old ones still unaddressed …

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The second time my husband came to me ready to share the Ritual and Gesture by which We Exchanged Amends and Forgiveness was on 8/19/2010. The Mistake Symbolically Undone, was his earliest remembrance of indulging in pornography once we were married, in the winter of 92/93. He was able to recall feeling a loving connection to me while we spoke on the phone immediately followed by a disconnect that came with the intention to do that which he thought to be a harmless pleasure, and then actually doing it, followed by the guilt and shame, followed by the failure to reflect on the guilt and shame, followed by the first lie of omission.

His Amend was to tell the Truth, Answer My Questions, Feel the Regret, Name the Loss, See the Damage Caused by that First Wrong Step, Verbalize (with my prompting) How He Would Have Thought and Behaved in Those Moments If He Could Turn Back The Clock And Redo It The Right Way.

My Forgiveness was … Limited … I Could Not Offer a Complete Forgiveness of the Entire Transgression, simply it did not feel Genuine for me to do so … but in my deepest, truest heart of hearts, I Understood that it was naiveté and not maliciousness that allowed him think that this one act would do no harm ... it was naiveté and not maliciousness that also prevented him from reflecting on his guilt and shame, after the fact. I did not forgive the act … I Forgave the Naiveté.

He burned the paper … I gave a shell – a miniature lightening whelk, chosen for it’s fragility and strength, symbolic of the Grace with which I came prepared to forgive something not yet known to me … we put the ashes in the pitcher and the shell in the shot glass, and returned them to their special place in our home … visible but not obtrusive.

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In the days that followed, I still felt the disconnect of having engaged in the Ritual and Gesture, without Revisiting and Honoring its Healing Value. My Vision is that the Moment of the Ritual is More than a Passing Moment … that we will Visibly and Verbally Confirm and Reconfirm its Value and Meaning, to Ourselves and to Each Other. This is not something he seems to understand or even need … I have not yet found a meaningful way to do so … this is where my vision of who I wish he was becoming is not aligned with who I see him becoming … I would like so very much for him to have an Inner Need to Show Me In A Way That Is Meaningful To Me, Exactly What and How Much this Ritual and Gesture Means to Him.

I have learned this about myself … I do not trust that Moments that are Valued in the Moment have any Lasting Value at all … and this in itself Diminishes My Perception of the Momentary Value I Initially Experienced.

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Last night, we began but were unable to complete our Third sharing of a Ritual and Gesture by which We Exchange Amends and Forgiveness. The Mistake that my husband wished to make amends for, was a day in the Summer of 2004 …

He remembered doing his banking and errands and then having breakfast with me and the girls … 11 years old at the time … he remembered helping me pack up stuff in the car … beach chairs, coolers, toys, whatever … and telling me he would catch up after doing more work … knowing the opportunity was on the horizon … he remembered doing work and then choosing to masturbate to porn … he remembered coming to the lake, kissing me on the cheek and then spending the day talking to and paying attention to every one but me …

As he spoke, he apologized and tears rolled down his cheeks … he expressed true regret and heartfelt sorrow … he acknowledged he was wrong and that his actions on that day deepened the gap between us, that was replacing the intimacy we believe we once shared …

But there was something missing last night … I am not quite sure what it was, but I did not feel the transition from confession/sorrow/regret/apology to Amends … I prompted him to Verbalize a Symbolic Undoing, by Verbally Recreating That Day … the way it Should Have Been … but his response still did not meet my needs … it sounded like what the day would have been like if he had never gone down this path … I tried to explain what I was needing in that moment … tell me what that day would have been if just This One Day in 2004 could be Redone … what if just that one day, you decided to come with us, instead of packing us up and sending us off without you … what if just that one day, you stayed home and finished your work but then Chose Not to Click There … he tried again
… But we could not find the Balance Between Me Telling him What I Need vs Me Feeding Him the Words to Say vs Him Speaking His Heart vs Him Truly Feeling Like He Was Undoing Or Repairing Anything … We just could not find the balance …

I cried and told him that I was Not Yet Capable of Forgiving Him for this day in the Summer of 2004 … that the best I could do is Accept That It Happened … and thank him for Opening Up and Offering Me more Truth About Our Past …

I wanted to Forgive, but it just was not Genuinely There … I Will Not Fake Forgiveness … no matter how god it may feel (for me or for him) in the moment.
Last night, he did not burn a paper and I did not offer a shell … I did not feel even that Momentary Feeling of Peace and Relief of having a Burden Lifted …

On the other hand, I did feel that there was More Truth Revealed … to Me and to Himself … and that is something that I firmly believe is Healthy, even though it Hurts.

I was hoping that maybe I could at least Lay That Mistake To Rest, through Acceptance In Lieu Of Forgiveness … but Truth Be Told … I Realized I could not. That one day sounded like too many of the days of the Summer of 2004, and neither of us were able to recall much that was Good and Real Between Us during that time. He had already Lost His Way by then, and I was feeling something amiss but I had no idea that there was anything to it, beyond the normal stress and strain of daily adult life … so back then I just focused more on the Other Areas of Value In My Life … my children, my job, my community, my friends, my introspections and spirituality … all the while believing that my marriage was fundamentally healthy but just a little tired, if only I could find a way to turn it around a little … give him the space he seemed to need … accept that his job was wearing him out ... all the while fighting the urge to feel guilty about my small, innocent and healthy indulgences of having fun and relaxing while he was working so hard. I was simply not capable of knowing, seeing or imagining that the most vulnerable and trusting aspects of my life had already been invaded by something so insidious and undetectable. So last night … I could do no more than Accept the Fact that This Is How It Was in the Summer of 2004, because That Is How It Was for a number of years before that.

And so the Ritual was Incomplete.
***************
I have learned something about myself … I can only Genuinely Forgive that which I can Genuinely Understand …

Today, I have found Small But Genuine Forgiveness to Offer in Exchange for Last Night’s Amends …
I Forgive The Kiss that Masked The Lie Of Omission on that Summer Day in 2004 … I look forward to Completing the Ritual and Gesture that will allow me to Lay To Rest the Emptiness that I felt for the remainder of that day … and many days like it, in the Summer of 2004 … the Emptiness has Not Been Repaired or Refilled … but at least it is Understood.

Dear Medusa,
I just read your post about Learning to Forgive and the ritual you and your H have created for your "exchange." Your vision is so lovely, I can understand your hopeful expectations. But the reality is different as you stated.


Forgivness is a whole new process for my H and I. In repsonse to his making amends for a specific act, I, too, am trying to find a bit of forgiveness. Ours is a not a ritual, but is about his paying attention and being aware of a possible memory triggers that would affect me. He spontneously uses that opportunity to show empathy by recalling a specific situation and describing how his behavior/attitude must have made me feel. He offers a genuine heartfelt apology. I usually ask questions that need anwers, and if I feel forgivenss, I forgive him for that one time (in a series of offenses). More than anything, I am grateful that he is developing an awareness of my pain and a sensitivity to it to the point of sharing my pain with me - at least that's how it feels to me.

I don't think my H can do more than this and that's OK for now. I also feel that I have to be strong enough to re-visit my old hurts as well as new ones connected to the process. Nothing about this is easy. We are also doing the couples workshop now - gently and slowly - making sure to find new JOY with each other in building a new relationship. That's all I can handle, frankly.


I think this says it all. "He had already Lost His Way by then..." This is why neither my H or I can remember anything wonderful between us in the years 2006 - 2008. It is a lost time. He will never be able to understand what he lost because he wasn't present in my life. I have spent hours talking to him and wondering how he could treat me so badly and not be aware. Was he unconscious? Yes, he was. He may recall a date, a season, the motorcycle he bought, but he was oblivious to the hurt and havoc he was causing in our life and our marriage.

So - maybe this is the piece of the puzzle that offers explainination only -
You and I have both wanted to hang on to our "glass sliipper," but I know now that glass breaks.

I wish I had something wonderful to say. All I can offer is my on-going appreciation for your being true to yourself and sharing your insights and new awareness with us. You always give me a wonderful moment of fresh understanding. Thanks.

Nellie James

Dearest NJ,

Thank you, as always, for the time, thought and care that you give. I especially love the last paragraph your wrote … YOUR WISH CAME TRUE in the very next sentences! That was the most wonderful thing to say!

These words touch me deeply … I am struggling to give myself the Gift Myself the Gift of Patience:


My husband is not there yet, which has been a current difficulty and frustration for both of us. Sometimes he recognizes the triggers after the fact, and then apologizes. Other times, he recognizes the potential trigger, but does not act on it in a way that is helpful to me and then reacts to my reaction to the trigger and admits that he saw it coming.


My husband is not there yet … he is still struggling with empathy … he often uses the phrases “I understandâ€Â