Recovery Nation

Thanks, Medusa. Tomorrow is my 68th birthday and the opening of my new show at the gallery. I am pooped. We are have an artists' reception and birthday celebration from 6 to 9. I never know how many will attend.
Regardless, I plan to celebrate - maybe for the rest of the month.

Time for some sleep.

Nellie

Just wanted to tell you that my birthday and my opening were wonderful. Despite cold rainy weather, friends, family and art patrons turned out to help me celebrate - even sang Happy Birthday. Sold some art, ate some great food, and drank good wine. My H and I were both pooped yesterday and just took the day off. Today we went fishing. The sun was shining, the water and surroundings were gorgeous. Didn't catch a thing, but a had a carefree day, and did some great casting - only got my fishing line tangled once.

After we gave up, we went into town - me with dog poop on my shoes, and grasshopper juice on my fingers - and enjoyed a tall gin and tonic. Tasted so good. Then went home to continue eating my key lime cheescake - good birthday leftovers.

It's been a great celebration now for a couple of days. First time in a long time that I have had a good birthday. I am truly grateful to be at this point in my marriage and my life. Feels so good.

Nellie James

The Minerva Memoirs 10/21/2010

On The Name of My Jar
***********************


What Rattles in the Heart of Minerva

I once mentioned (metaphorically)
a Jar of Angry Thoughts
inspired by my counselor's
early employment of Physical
and Mental Containers
For Thoughts and Feelings that
I now describe as a
Rattling in My Chest
I give an Accompanying Gesture
Of my fingers tapping on
My sternum in a clockwise
Motion, perpendicular to my Ribs
On Yom Kippur I stated
This Goal for 5771: Place a Written
Token into a Jar of Thoughts That Rattle Inside
Me, Longing For Understanding That Would
Invite Forgiveness and Amends.
A month or so ago, I acquired the jar.
A big Costco jar, to be sure!
Two weeks ago, the three year mark
After discovery, I wrote down
Some thoughts and feelings that
might be best placed in the jar
instead of hurled into his consciousness
in my desperate attempts
to get him to see!
And in the last 10 days
Many of these notions have leaked out
of my mouth and into his ears
And some even into his heart,
I am sure.

Today I Made My Jar.
I covered the pretzel label
With a beautiful Image of Minerva
I found on line. In this image,
There is a Terrible Medallion
Of Medusa nestled in her breast
As I taped the New Label onto My Jar
I saw a Craft Project Vision
Of Me Decorating this Jar, when
I need to Add Beauty into My Day.
Today I put Three Written Tokens
Into the Jar entitled:
What Rattles in the Heart of Minerva.

Dear Minerva,
I am touched by your post and how poetically you describe your needs:

You went on to describe that you wrote down thoughts and feelings that you did put into your jar not wanting to hurl them into his consciousness.
First, I am assuming that you are longing for understanding from yourself. Is that right? Second, are you fearful of sharing these thoughts and notions with your H or fearful of the manner in which you would share them?

I am struck by the phrase, "What rattles in the heart of Minerva." What does rattle in your heart?

I feel, too, that old hurts along with question marks about the darker side of my husband's behavior do hang like cobwebs in the back of mind and cloud my thinking from time to time. I work hard to not let this have more power over me than is healthy. I also am disappointed by my H's attempts to make amends because, despite his sincerity, I don't get what I need from them and I am trying to figure that out. We do talk about it. He understand what I am expressing and isn't angry, maybe disapponted. He is trying and I appreciate that. For now, I see it as a learning process for him and me, but he seems to be such a slow learner to me. However, I also realize that he is quite pre-occupied with what he is learning and processing about himself. That seems to be a pattern with him, as well.

Just recently, when doing our Couples Lesson on Communication, we both recognized patterns in ourselves that become obstacles for us. It is worth reading if you haven't already.

As always, I am touched and inspired by your words. My words, in response are not poetic but are heartfelt just the same. I hope something good resonates with you.

Keep working on that Patience.

Nellie James

The Minerva Memoirs 12/30/2010

On The Life of a Tree

Yesterday morning, while resting in my Husband’s Arms, it occurred to me …

My love was a great and mighty tree. It was planted long ago and was strong and healthy, with roots deeply embedded in the soil made rich with my greatest Value … the Value I have always placed on my Values. Long ago, and throughout time, I have openly and strongly asserted What My Values Are and What They Mean to Me. That soil was made richer by the blending and sharing of these values with those that I saw in my Chosen Lover, Partner and Mate.

My Love was a Great and Mighty Tree. It started out small and inconsequential from a random seed that came my way, like so many others. But this one seed had something inside that gave it cause to take root and grow … naturally and easily … effortlessly laying claim to the landscape of my life, simply because it belonged there. As it grew from a seed to a sapling to a sturdy young tree, its beauty and strength were undeniable. It became a source of Comfort, Joy, Pleasure, Pride and Protection. Its branches and trunk were strong, its roots were deep, its shade was comfortable and protective, its leaves were lush and beautiful and its fruit was oh so nourishing and tasty. My Love was a Great and Mighty Tree. It defined my Landscape with its Majesty.

My Love was a Great and Mighty Tree. Little did I know that the soil in which it was planted was becoming eroded, in places that I couldn’t see. Little did I know that weeds and parasites were lurking out of view, stealing the nourishment from the very sustenance that was intended only for the tree. But trees are strong and resilient creatures, and are so very able to grow and thrive oblivious and seemingly impervious to unknown intrusions.


My Love was a Great and Mighty Tree. And then it was Struck by Lightening. Twice. The first strike broke its branches and seared its leaves. The second strike toppled it over, with its Mighty Roots exposed naked to the elements and its branches splintered and its delicate fruit crushed beyond recognition. But still, My Love was a Great and Mighty Tree, and even in its Fallen State, it was Alive and Knew Its Inner Strength.

For over two years, with the Combined Power of its 20+ year Reserves of Life Force along with the Nourishing Support and Wisdom of Kindred Souls in the Universe, I struggled to Replant this Fallen Tree … lifting, circling, alternating between feeling crushed beneath it and gaining strength, and courage and hope from its greatness ... insisting that it should Stand Tall Again.


But as the summer waned and the fall came and went, I began to feel the Life drain from my tree. It was too big for me to lift ... too dead for me to resurrect ... too much on My Land, in My Territory for me to leave it there and go away, too precious in my memory to leave it for dead. In mourning the loss of my Great and Mighty Tree, my heart grew bitter and cold, lifeless and incapable of joy. I stared at the ground, demanding to know what exactly happened to the Rich and Fertile Soil that was the very Foundation of All that I Planted in the Landscape of My Life.

My Love was a Great and Mighty Tree. That Love belonged to a man who in some ways never really existed and in many other ways ceased to exist long ago. And so that Great and Mighty Tree has Fallen. And in doing so, it left Great Damage and Pain in its wake. I have assessed this Pain and Damage to no end and it’s taken me until this moment yesterday morning to discover … some Acorns.

My Love is a Small and Fragile Seed. It is not a random arrival from a new and foreign source. It holds the same raw material from my Beloved Fallen Tree. It holds the Promise of New Growth. It will require deliberate care and tending, for it will not grow if it is crowded, neglected, undernourished or left to chance against the elements. The Soil of My Landscape is dry and cracked and must be continuously replenished if it is to yield any new growth of substance.

My Love is a Small and Fragile Seed. Yesterday, I entrusted this seed to My Husband. He knows that it will not grow for him unless he tends to it with great care. He knows that the Great and Mighty Tree is fallen, and that neither of us can rely on its strength. My Love is a Small and Fragile Seed … it will be a long time before we can swing carelessly from its branches, rest in its shade or feel the bounty of its fruit.

My Love was a Great and Mighty Tree. Even with the Sorrow of its Fallen State, it somehow still belongs in My Landscape. But now I can look at it, with different eyes. It holds many memories … there is plenty of truth, beauty, and substance that lived a wondrous life side by side with that which never belonged. The Joy it brought to my life was True. The Nurturing Strength it gave me as a Mother, Wife, Woman, Human, Teacher and Friend was True. In its Fallen State, here in My Landscape, it may serve as an Inspiration and a Reminder.

My Love is a Small and Fragile Seed. I am ready now to put my energies into nurturing and protecting it, and that in order to do so I need to let go of some of the old branches … especially the ones that I have cut off and fashioned into spears and clubs. But I can also gain strength by paying Honor to the Glory of My Old Tree.

My dear friend Medusa,

Your tender honest imagery carries the strength, substance and purpose that is YOU.

I am so proud of you and honored to call you my friend and sister. and I am so happy of where you now are in your life and in relationship with your husband.

Love to You and Yours,

Nellie

What a beautiful analogy. Expressed, as always, with your enchanting and poetic elegance; warm and tender.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Nellie James and Coach Mel -
Something wonderfully calming and affirming happens when I find your comments to my thread.

NJ - you of all people know that when you see a snapshot of where I am in this journey ... it is both a lasting picture AND a fleeting still-life moment captured in the ever-changing emotional scenery. I continue to gain great strength, comfort and illumination from the words you share with me and so many others.

Coach Mel - Its been a long time since I've outwardly expressed my gratitude for the invaluable support you have always given ... but especially in my earliest days here, so long ago. Every few months, I go back and read my earlier posts and all of you words that made so much sense to me then, make even more sense now.

Today I am having a day of calm and balance. Yesterday I had a most helpful conversation with my amazing counselor. Sometimes I speak of things that Rattle in my Heart. Other times I speak of what Rattles in my Head. Rattling is essentially my response to triggers. It's actually very valuable to me and has many positive benefits, but the two biggest problems is that it distracts me from doing things that must be done AND it takes a huge physical and emotional toll on me. Yesterday's exercise was to speak to My Rattle ... it could have felt silly or awkward, but I have a very close relationship with the Rattle in My Mind and it was actually cool to speak to it out loud, as if we were speaking face to face. My counselor said to talk to the rattle and tell it what you want it to know. It turns out I had a lot to say (surprise! ) Then she had me ask what does My Rattle need, in order to turn down the volume and the intensity. I knew right away ... It needs Validation and Comfort. So now when something rattles in my mind, I will take some time to validate it and comfort it so that I can Reset Myself to where I was before the trigger ... and then determine my next steps.

Today for the first time in months, I was able to Quiet the Rattle - without shutting it down or forcing it to act as if it didn't feel like rattling.

The following memoir from two days ago was shared with my husband ... and he sent a response ... and then we talked about it ... and it wasn't easy or comfortable ... but this afternoon, I was able to rest comfortably with my head on his shoulder.

**********************************
Minerva Memoirs #18 1/20/2011

On Craving Contact

Today I felt the vacuum of having created emotional space last night, without the continuum to ensure that it retained its content.

Today I longingly checked my phone and my email, wanting to find words from you …

This is as far as I got, and when you called to tell me you were on your way home … but I wanted to hear from you during the day … Just like the emptiness when there was no follow up in person after a text or an email, I felt the emptiness of having no following up by text or email after having opened our hearts last night. I was needing some kind of affirmation that this wasn’t just another conversation that we made it through and was now behind us. I wanted to feel you reach out to re-affirm what we may have accomplished last night.

I think what I was craving today was a combination of cautiously positive words, intermingled with concrete thoughts of what you took away from last night’s conversation as well as what you hope that I took away from the conversation.

Here are some of my takeaways from last night … not in any particular order …

1. We had the mutual goal of a do-over for Friday and Saturday, even though neither of us knew exactly what that might look like.

2. You came prepared, because you are becoming very conscious of the benefits of being prepared and the detriments of not being prepared. You came prepared with several Questions I might have about your viewing the bathing catalogue. I asked for 10, you said you had about 5 or 6-ish … (I do not believe I felt or communicated any issue with you not having thought reached my goal of 10 … I’m OK with that – especially because you came up with good ones.)

3. Your first questions was “Did you think about how I might feel about it, before you looked at it?” And you truthfully acknowledged that you didn’t. The conversation traveled a lot from there. I think we visited a lot territory pertaining to my need/expectation that this is one of your primary/automatic values filters and your recognition (because in my mind this is what speaks to the relative value you place on me, my feelings and our relationship). I honestly cannot recall much of the content of this conversation, and would love to have you re-enforce in my mind what you really communicated about this.

4. I am now remembering that you realized that anytime you are doing something that might be a “trigger for me”, it would be good if you were you stop and think about how I would feel about it. We went from there to a discussion about other things that you felt would be triggers for me. I said that there was a lot … but definitely anything pertaining to your enjoyment/appreciation of the bodies of beautiful young women … especially if they were nearly naked … is definitely in that category.

5. You brought up the possible trigger of women in yoga class. I think that was a very healthy and open conversation. I told you that it was a huge trigger for me in the beginning, and some of the things that bothered me about it and what I did to help myself deal with it.

6. When you noted that it was not a good idea for you to gaze upon any women in the class I shared my aversion to the concept of “Gazing” and asked you to give me 5 reasons why it was not a good idea for you to do that. You offered
a. You would be objectifying them and that would be offensive to them.
b. It could distract you from your yoga practice … you didn’t come here to look at women.
c. (And then you qualified this as #1: If you were looking at a woman and appreciating her body … it should rightly be me.\
d. I forget … at the moment
e. I forget … at the moment

But the reason that I was looking for, so I added to the list was that it would be offensive to ME. That no woman wants to see her man gazing at some one else’s beauty … and even more so for me, in light of your past.

7. This is about the time, I think, that I explained to you the mental picture I had that day … not because I wanted to do this, but because I wanted you to imagine it as such – so that you could walk in my shoes. I spoke of my urge to tell you that I answered the door in my bra, when the heater repairman came. No sex, not even flirting ... just a brief blatant exposure for a cheap thrill. I expanded the analogy, framing it in the context of this type of behavior when I was a teenager … and what if I did this secretly all throughout our life together. I had all kinds of opportunity as a stay at home mom and then with afternoons and summers off … all through the construction project when the house was crawling with men … never any contact … nothing that was real … but I got a cheap thrill from giving them a cheap thrill … and what if I had been turned on by that that I would go hide and masturbate for my own private sexual satisfaction … and then I was not needful of or interested in you, when you came home from a long day at work … wanting me, wondering why I didn’t want you when you spent much emotional energy during your day looking forward to when your work day would end so we could enjoy each other’s company. You noted that it wasn’t a very pleasant feeling. I asked you to sit with these thoughts and the feeling. To do it several times over the next few days … for a week or so. I asked you to do this in the name of empathy.

8. I recall that you spoke of understanding the difference between intending and following through … between recognizing / understanding / being conscious of and actually applying … versus actually implementing these things in your daily life.

9. We talked about what it really meant to have a do-over … that we can’t just take it from a clean slate … we need to also assess the damage that was done and address that in the short term, so that it doesn’t become “another thing on the pile of things that go unaddressed for too long. I think we came to an agreement that we did this.

10. You reminded me that it was I who first uttered the words “you’re a fucking asshole” before you started hollering “I’m a fucking asshole” at me. I shared that when you yell that at me, I feel like you are taking the branches of my dead tree that you killed and then sharpening the branches and stabbing me with them. I also told you that I do not like when you keep telling me that I have to decide whether we’re going to get through this and whether you are good enough for me. I told you that I’ve already decided that I’m not going anywhere. I think I told you that you’ve got to decide who you’re going to be and whether you’re going to truthfully share that guy with me and who ever he really turns out to be is going to determine how happy I can be in terms of the happiness I get from being his wife.

11. We talked about the fact that you were not quite ready to discuss how you will react when next there is a social porn reference. I hope I communicated that I understand this is complex and will need more time to prepare for … and asked that whatever you do, the focus is on having my back. We also briefly touched on other things we’re not prepared to discuss and the possibility of doing it with Audrey as a facilitator.

12. I remember we talked about eventually reaching closure on this issue, and you said that it will never be closed … that this is something that we will have to always think about … and then I knew and I said … it will be true closure when you are the only one who has to think about this and I don’t have to anymore. (it was more eloquent when I said it, but the exact words escape me now … but we both seemed to recognize this as a valuable truth.

So for me … a lot happened last night. And I felt very empty today, because I did not receive anything after your morning contemplations that acknowledged or validated or supported this in anyway. Getting an e-mail about football was actually harder than not getting anything at all.

Thank you for the acknowledgment~it is always appreciated!



When you are participating in an active, health based recovery, addiction is not something that is meant to shadow you for the rest of your life. Health based recovery is a transitional process that takes the addict from active addiction to recovery, and then from recovery to health. Health being the state in which the recovered person need not fear the next urge, or the next trigger. Heath is a way of being~ a way of living~ and it is possible to get there. Sadly, I do not think that either of will get there (healing) until one of you breaks the pattern which drives your interactions.

It is apparent that you seek validation (for your self-worth) in what your husband does, or doesn't do. This is why you place so much importance on him doing certain, specific things in order to make amends~to show he cares and to indicate that he thinks about you. You have it mean something about your value, or in the very least, about how much your husband values you and your life together. This is a misconception that is shared by many partners, especially after discovery and early into the healing process. But you are no longer in the early stage of healing. That said, I also recognize that no one gets to say how long we dwell in the process of healing, but ourselves. Still, it pains me to see you lingering here as you do. I do see and understand the ideology behind what you think you need. But I also see that what you think you need isn't doing very much in giving you what you really need, nor is it helping you to move forward. I daresay that it also gives your husband permission to linger somewhere between addiction and recovery himself. And so, he continues in his thoughtlessness, with the rituals of making amends being something of a rebirth for the both of you, while you continue to practice patience. This pattern is well practiced.

I want you to know that what I share comes from a place of Care and Concern~I do not judge. My heart aches for you~your hurt is apparent. I want nothing more than for you that to have the life you want~and deserve~ and to have the relationship with your husband that you so desire. And I know that your relationship with your husband is central to your commitment. You place much value on your marriage and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact~ it is quite admirable and extraordinary. I imagine how difficult it is for you to know what you want, to spell it out, to ask for it time and again, only to be disappointed and let down.

My concern is that, within this pattern that you and your husband are perpetuating, that your husband is merely doing "recovery by numbers". Rather than really doing what it will take to transcend addiction, his focus is more on neutralizing Medusa's sting. It seems that, as long as you are telling him what he has to do to make amends with you, he will continue to think that this is all he has to do. Furthermore, it appears that he is intellectualizing his recovery, rather than internalizing it (the impression I get from what you share about his actions/participation). He is the being the observer, rather than the active participant. This is a top down approach of treating the wound/ putting icing on mud pie. Even if/when there is sufficient icing to cover the entire mud pie (adequate amends to sufficiently sooth the wounds) the foundation will still be made of mud. Health based recovery is a bottom up process, healing the wounds from the inside-out/baking the pie from scratch, starting with new ingredients. When the icing is finally applied on the top of this pie, the pie will be as healthy as the ingredients put into it and as beautiful as the icing you spread on top of it.

I understand that there are certain conditions that he needs to fulfill in order for you to stay in the relationship and move beyond your hurt, however, this should not be his main focus, at least not until he has moved beyond his addiction. By the sound of it, he is still indulging himself in unhealthy sexual stimulation that is contrary to his (and your) values. This cannot be frosted over with any amount of amends. As long as he is still feeding the addiction wolf, addiction will persist. It might no longer be fed with pornography, but it is getting all the nourishment it needs~for now~to stay alive.

With Affection,

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Thank you coachMel-

I printed your comments and discussed them with my counselor, yesterday. There is much truth and wisdom in your words, as always. Although it has been 3 years since he's acted out, my gut has always strongly held that there is something missing from his recovery efforts even though he wants so much to believe that he's doing it and is truly recovering. Your recent feedback to someone else, in their couples thread rang true in my heart, when you noted that the husband was still compartmentalizing ...

So for now ... for as long as I need to, my counselor's Homework for me for the week is to: Focus on making my week emotionally easy for myself, while resisting the urge to invest my emotional energy into making it emotionally easy for my husband (that does not mean that I need to make it anymore emotionally difficult for him, than it already is). I have spent the last 24 hours doing a good job of monitoring this for myself in a healthy way. Yoga and becoming emotionally invested in the quality and creativity in my work is helping.

That sounds like a good use of your energy.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

The more I re-read coachMel's response, the more I understood that I am ready to restart the lessons in order. I learned so much by doing them when I was clueless and in shock. Just think how much I will benefit by doing them again, with additional wisdom, understanding and experience on my side.

Today I posted the Stage 1 Lesson 1 on page 1 of this thread. Just an updated intro in green, and then my original lesson copied and pasted, since it was corrupted in the last crash. I am redoing the lessons in order. Thanks Deservesmore, for the modeling the way to redo your lessons when it's time

(Edited because I just noticed the other day that I had the wrong icon . I hope everyone ... especially deservesmore assumed I mistyped and did not think I thumbs-downed the very thing I thanked )

Stage 1 Lesson 2 - my vision is updated near the bottom of the second page of my thread. I am pleased and confident that I did not wish or need to eliminate anything from my previous vision. I added just a little bit more.

(and I mean )

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

I just updated Stage 1 Lesson 3, by editing my original post on page 2 of this thread.
In the last few years, I have learned more than ever to rely on my gut (which was a very strong guide since my youth ). I have learned through my yoga readings that this the Solar Plexus Chakra ... makes so much sense. I take many opportunities to discuss with my daughters the notion of conflicts between your head, heart and gut. They nod in agreement when I tell them that if there is a conflict, to go with your gut AND when all three are in alignment it is a wonderful, powerful thing.

As always ... thanks coachMel, for the thumbs up ... even though I know better than to rely on External Validation, for my sense of joy and validation ... that does not mean that it is unhealthy for me to totally ENJOY and feel VALIDATED by some external validation ... especially when it comes from people that I admire and respect and care for!