Recovery Nation

My husbands addiction has been from the age of nine to his ripe young age of 47. He checked into a treatment center in 1991 - when there was only one book out there on this subject, Out of the Shadows, which of course he denied progressing into any other levels. He made two steps and returned to his disease - totally unbeknownst to me. I didnt see any signs other than he ran red lights and missed stop signs (which I find was euphoric recall and fantasy) so yes folks, addicts drive under the influence often times and do get into car accidents often (though they dont admit it) I broke up with him when we were young because he never made sexual advances and I thought his "elevator didnt quite make the top floor." He found me later and told me he was now a Christian and was leading a great clean life. We became friends and went to ACA - all the while, he was conning me. I found him not wanting to have sex with me refreshing - as other guys attacked me on the first date. Little did I know, he was masturbating to my magazines - like Womans Day etc. (I had no porn in the home ever!) So, instead of telling the whole story here, I will just say that he lied our entire marriage. Once the internet came out, he was totally immersed and viewed all that it has to offer. I dont trust him, I dont know him, and I am not sure he is not a psychopath. The entire marriage, he was sending any and all letters I wrote to him, to his father for safe keeping. He knew that if I ever found out he was into porn, I would file for divorce and fight for full custody - well he was right there! The letters were me saying that I felt he was not working a program. He sent them to his daddy saying, "Look what this bitch is accusing me of - she is nuts." (No, you are............) So, what else did he do? He went more than out of his way to make everyone in our lives including friends and family believe that I was psycho, a depressant, - you name it, he lied to everyone. I had no idea he was sabatoging as he went to Bible Study and church weekly. He acted so helpful. Little did I know, his helpful, which I loved, was a way to leave the house to go masturbate to the magazines he would see at the store in his car, office, you name it. I was fooled. So, the Christian man, wasnt so Christian. The BDSM porn and the gay porn and the other various porn has me sick beyond words. I am taking this very seriously.

I filed for separation and he had a PPG to determine what his sexual palette was. It said that he was only into adult females but the porn he looked at, was not just that. It included bestiality, humiliation etc. Last January, he decided to stop. I have no idea what boundary he crossed, but he told me he wanted out of the marriage. A few days later, he said I need to go find myself and stop hurting you and was acting sorry and with many personalities. But I was already onto him. He was in Costco one day and literally FROZE while staring at a young woman. He did not hear me even calling him. NOR OUR DAUGHTER. He was in full blown fantasy. When we finally got his attention, he started coming back towards us, and the lustfilled fantasy could not be broken even by his own daughter and he turned back to fantasize for minutes. By this time, we were in the check out at the front of the store. He was back in his addiction, and I knew it.

It was insane the first months. I was horrified. I had been watching him and trying to get enough on him to fight this addict in court - because I knew he was a pathological liar. He would try and blame me for nothing. When confronted, he admitted to telling his therapist a bunch of lies about me. (What a waste of money and time!) The therapist just shook his head in disbelief and told me that my husband was a compulsive liar. I kicked him out right away and was a mess. I was doing everything I could to protect my kids from what I looked at as a beast. A demon in our Christian home. Our entire marriage was a con built on lies. He had been sick before me. HE went into a treatment center. He did not sleep with any prostitutes during our marriage, but he may as well should have. It hurts the same. He masturbated up to 8 hours a day (ouch) and even went to work - when he had no work. His disclosure list of people he fantasized included every friend, family members, neighbors and their daughters and the teens he fantasizes I find really eerie. I spent the last year talking to every expert in this field to find out how dangerous he is or is not around my kids. This addiction decieved me in too many ways in 23 years to put on this thread. I have shared this story innumerable times over the last year.

Because he is out of work right now, we are still living at the same home, but most of the time separately. I have tried to contemplate trying to keep our family together, but am too all over the place mentally to make any decisions. I am starting a group therapy over the phone, and am seeing a therapist. I am trying to get help any way i can for the PTSD and ruminating thoughts and visions in my mind of things I find repulsive. I will never look at him the same. I don't feel sorry for him because he is too defensive and narcissistic. He is going to meetings, in an SA group and making phone calls. HE slipped Oct 24th after his big rehab. He is still going to slippery slopes like getting his hair cut at a salon. (His disclosure put them on his dont go list) Anyways, he is a chronic luster, fantasizer and all porn goes. I have read all books on SA but still am not forgiving and I know I need help with my anger. I hear this is a brain disease, but he sure is impecable at hiding and deceiving. In my opinion, he is a mastermind and is empowered by it. He is very desensitized by the porn he has seen. He loves war movies with blood and guts from being beat up by his brothers as a child. He has only had supercharged sex before our marriage, and the more I learn, the more I feel hopeless, and angry that at 50 years old, I am starting over. His habit has ruined almost everything in my life, and I am left to find my way and rebuild with little to no help. I am grateful for this website, and may the man that put it together rest in wonderful peace for putting it together. I am all over the place mentally. Minute to minute I change. I have minutes when I want to give him a chance cause it seems easier than being a single mom, but know that is my depression talking. I dont want to have addiction in my life. I feel addicts suck life out of those around them, and I don't want to live one day at a time with a ticking time bomb. This disease SA is ruthless. I dont want to end up with HIV if he goes to prostitutes - and he - while acting out, was studying them.

He is sober almost a year from looking at porn, but he uses fantasy and euphoric recall. I think he has masturbated once in the last 11 months. Sober since OCT 24th of masturbating, but I am not so ok with what he calls sober. He checks out women, and I can see his wheels go round. He tries not to, but he is sick and it is second nature to look (or he'll die) He is trying to use his tools, but now that we worked out a supervised only parenting plan (which almost killed me getting out of him) it is time for me to get help for me. I am not sure I want to stay, I think I want out, I have to get the information I need on how that is going to affect my kids vs getting out and healing. My husband doesnt deserve me. I am a very smart, cute, fun loving active woman. He is a pervert and that does not fit into my kids nor my world. As you can see, I go back and forth. I am not going to try and make any stay or go decisions today. I just know that he is about to start working again, and I dont want mr. lustman to come home from his little girlie pals at work he wants so bad in his mind to expect a nice hot meal and dinner cooked. He made a fool of me twice. That is enough. I am very hardened towards him to protect myself, as well as seeing that his actions don't match his pathetic words. I will do right by myself. I am starting BrainState Technologies tomorrow trying to get help for the PTSD symptoms. Thank you for listening. I hate porn, lust and the internet. I hate the images all around that are poisoning our childrens mind. In time, I will join forces with those fighting this. Blessings All- The devastated, heart broken wife of a very perverted minded man.................

Welcome to Recovery Nation, sososad.

As you progress through the workshop your focus will shift from what he is and isn't doing, to what you can do for yourself given the circumstances and your own values and vision. Best wishes for your healing journey.

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First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)