Recovery Nation

orientation.

a-updated vision-i will lead a healthy and honest life with my partner and share thoughts and experiences with her. i will take the time to enjoy our relationship and be a more caring partner. i will show her more affection.

b-i hope to better understand intimacy and share it with my partner. i will be a better listener and we will make decisions together. i will share her joy and i hope she will share mine.

c-looking back from death to now, intimacy will be a challange since i never had it or saw it in my family. communication is getting better, but still needs improvement. i do have alcohol addiction but trying to work on that, and also im still smoking been doing that since age 9.

d-i dont have any real goals set for myself, i am retired. i do want to be a good partner to my wife, and want to get our home in shape so it wont burden her should something happen. we already moved to the country which we both love and that was a goal.

e-partners goals- further her education-complete the blue ridge parkway, and photograph it.-learn intimacy.

f-values-show more love to my wife-be more independant-stay active-learn what intimacy is-make rational decisions based on values-show love to others, both friends and family-have respect for others-be happy, not stressed and deal with emotions-be open and honest-spend time on hobbie but not obsessively.

Great job with lesson 1 bobbiefs

There is a lesson that will help you identify, isolate the unhealthy patterns and give you opportunity to create new ones!

Indeed. Even if he was sweet as pie when drinking, it is still an addiction. When my husband quit smoking cold turkey, and with such commitment, I wondered why he couldn't do the same with his SA. What I didn't know then is that the reason giving up smoking was easy (relatively speaking) was because he had his other addiction to take it's place. Until he has replaced his crutch with a foundation of health, and learned to live life from that foundation, he will continue to struggle with addiction in one form or another.

This is your vision for partnership, correct? (I understand your work was lost in the transition to the new platform). Who will you be in relation to this vision, in order to see it to fruition. How will you live into this vision? How far in your life do you see this vision taking you? Will this vision carry you to the end of your life? Is it enough to sustain a healthy partnership for that time?

I am glad to hear you are working on your other addictions too.

Think back to your vision (what you had created as your vision when you did the recovery workshop) and see if you can extract any goals from there. If you don't remember, it would be a good time to write a new one. Your life is fluid, so your vision will be too so it is a good idea to review it periodically, anyway. There is a Japanese proverb (I think) that goes "vision without action is a daydream, action without vision is a nightmare". I share this because without any tangible goals for you to live toward, you are leaving yourself open to unheatlhy behaviours. Your vision is your road map for your life. Without vision and tangible goals (mini visions) you risk living a haphazard life without commitment or meaning.

Be well.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

I have updated a few things on lesson 1 and they are highlighted in blue.

We wanted to have counseling in our fourm but just cannot find the money to do so. So instead of waiting, we decided to go ahead and strart workshop again.

I put away all expectations for this exercise. I was nervous about it due to history of partner's anger first time, coping out on whole workshop second time, and putting off this exercise third time. Also the fact that I am giving marriage one more chance before deciding if I want to move on without partner in my life.

We did this exercise last night. It was nice to be fed and sitting next to partner at table. Most times we don't eat together because I am ready to eat when I get off work and/or partner is still drinking beer up to 8 or 9 at night. I finally felt like I came before his beer! He made us grilled pork chops, greens, and mashed potatos which I love. Also had our favorite muscadine wine. Partner cooking dinner is nothing unusual as he does most of the cooking since he has retired. He was a little concerned about stabbing me with fork and was very gentle in feeding me.

We had to wait a few to get shower due to thunderstorms but they finally passed. Partner helped me wash my hair and got me pretty clean. I was concerned that in my mind this would not feel nonsexual to me as it has been awhile since we were sexually initmate. I will say that the thought of sex or any kind of sexual excitement never crossed my mind. He brushed my wet hair and brushed my teeth. He is much more gentle doing these things for me than I am with myself. I then got my feet tickled (stroked) which I love and I wish it had lasted longer.

There were akward moments as partner is not much on initating and I can be the oppostite. So I was waiting for him to take the lead and not try to control any of the night. We then went to be and cuddled into slumber.

It could be me but I didn't feel any more love than normal between us. It felt akward at times and somewhat mechanical to me but it was an enjoyable evening.

As for my self awareness, I don't seem to initate the intimacy that I could. I think because we were so far apart for 20 some years and that I have still have a lingering fear that I could let myself get hurt again. Perhaps I have intimacy issues also!!!

Visions, updated.
1-I am going to build a garage to work on my hobby.
2-i am going to put my old roadster together.
3-i am going to be a loving, honest and understanding partner to my wife.
4-i am going to spend time with friends and family.
5-i am going to go get my grandsons truck from up north and spend time with him to put it together.
6-i am going to continue to work on this old house to put it in shape for the future.
7-i am taking the time daily to assess my life and continue to monitor my emotions.
8-i am going to quit smoking and cut my drinking down to few days a week.


Values updated.
a-learn what intimacy is.
1-be open, honest and understanding when asked a question.
2-share my thoughts openly and honestly with vulnerability.
3-listen with compassion to what partner says.
4-i will put aside my sexual hang up about performance.
5-i will spend quality time with partner.
b-live a true life not a fake one.
1-i will not try to be joe cool.
2-i will be more humble and try to live within our means.
3-i will not have sexual relations outside this marriage.
c- I will be a better partner.
1-i will be more considerate of my partners feelings.
2-i will talk more about daily events.
3-i will share my thoughts openly with partner.
4-we will make decisions together.
5-i will give my partner a soft shoulder to lean on.

in sickness and in health.

i planned dinner while partner at work. we had a very nice dinner and glass of wine. i sat next to partner and fed her realizing that i eat one thing at a time and she mixes it up so that is how i fed her. while feeding partner i was affraid of stabbing her mouth with the fork so i tried to be gentle so i would not hurt her. i was busy feeding her so i finnished after her. i felt a little awkward but not uncomfortable doing this, but i felt as though she enjoyed it, and i did too. after dinner we got a thunder shower and decieded not to take shower during that, so we looked thru a book on birds that we enjoy. thunder shower ended and i gave partner a shower, realizing how beautiful she is. we have not showered together for some time and i had a hard time keeping my sexual thoughts under control but managed to do it very well. after we showered,i cleaned her teeth and tried to be gentle doing it so as not to hurt her. then we we sat on the couch and i massaged her feet which is something she loves and it has been some time since i have done that for her. i do realize how fragile life is more than i have in the past. i also realize that we dont spend this kind of quality time together, just enjoying each other. i also let go of worrying about things going perfectly during this exercise. this went alot better than the last time we tried this exercise!

I. The first step in developing a healing contract is to clearly document your existing values and boundaries. Again, these are your values--not your partner's and not your relationship's. If you aren't clear what these are, simply list five to ten areas of your life that you value (your values) and ways that you will protect those values (your boundaries).

My Values

HONESTY
HEALTH
FAMILY
CREATIVITY
FAITHFULNESS
RESPECT
PATIENCE
COMMUNICATION
COMPASSION
LOVE/INTIMACY
GENEROSITY
UNDERSTANDING
FRIENDS
FINANCIAL SECURITY
KNOWLEDGE/EDUCATION
ORGANIZATION
TRUST
MARRIAGE

RULES FOR BOUNDARIES

Faithfulness

I will not live with an unfaithful partner.

I believe in being faithful to partner.

I expect partner to not engage in any sexual activity outside of marriage. This includes any type of sexual activity with men and/or women, cybersex, phone sex, strip clubs, voyeurism, adult bookstores, online sex sites (which include pornography and sex ads), masturbation, scanning when I am present, and/or anything related to unfaithfulness in our marriage.

My partner making phone calls, texts, or any contact with past sexual encounters or any steps related to acting out by partner will be considered unfaithfulness even if partner doesn’t follow through.

I expect my partner to have a sincere commitment to recover as without this I do not feel safe or secure in marriage. Procrastination and avoidance is the same as insincerity.

Financial Security

I have the right to continue to work as this insures me financial security.

I have the right to continue splitting half the household expenses with partner.

I have the right to put money away for rainy days and security.

I expect all major purchases to be discussed ahead of time and I have the right to say no if I feel I don’t need or want the item.

Respect/Communication

I will listen and be respectful at all times and I expect the same in return.

I will not ridicule others if their opinions differ from mine and I expect the same in return.

I will listen to others without changing conversation or shutting them out and I also expect this from others.

I expect open and honest communication about everything in partner’s life. I need to hear about the little things and the big things in his life. I need total transparency from partner and I will do the same.

I will put my partner second priority in my life and I expect the same from him.

When I am upset or something bothering me, I have the right to discuss this in a rational manner and I expect the same from partner.

I expect partner not to scan when I am with him or without me. I feel this is disrespectful to me and the person being scanned. I expect partner to communicate any scanning issues with me.

I have the right to not go out in public with partner if he were to scan in front of me.

I expect partner not to be defensive, manipulative and blame shift and I will do the same.

Honesty

I will be honest to my partner and others at all times and I expect honesty from him and others.

An omission is the same as a lie.

Not disclosing something to me from partner as to not hurt my feelings is the same as a lie.

I will only believe what makes sense to me. I don’t need absolute proof to draw a conclusion.

I will not believe or accept things that do not make sense to me. I will listen to my gut instincts and my intelligence and draw my own conclusion surrounding the facts.

If I have not been honest, I will take responsibility and tell partner within 24 hours and I expect the same.

If I have been lied to, I expect partner to tell me the truth within 24 hours.

When I ask a question, I expect an honest answer even if hard for the other person or they think they are sparing my feelings.

My actions will match my words and I expect others actions to match their words. If they don’t, this is considered dishonesty.

Love/Intimacy

I will initiate love and affection with partner and I expect partner to initiate love and affection towards me.

I will be open, honest, vulnerable, and transparent with partner and I expect partner to be open, honest, vulnerable, and transparent with me.

I will take time to cuddle, hold partner’s hand and express more physical intimacy toward partner and I expect the same from partner.

I will work on couple’s workshop and intimacy assuming my partner is also willing to do so.

Friends

I will keep in contact with old friends.

I have the right to seek out and find old friends.

I will continue to build new friendships.

Family

I am and will continue to keep in touch with family. I have been in contact with family that I have not seen or talked to in over 30 years and I have also found a lot of family on my Mother’s side that I never knew existed.

I will show my family respect and love and I expect the same in return.

Health

I will conquer smoking cigarettes.

I will continue to lose weight

Walking will become part of my weekly routine.

Yoga will become part of my routine, along with body stretches for my body pain.

I will continue to revisit my lessons when needed and keep learning self-awareness.

I will become a healthy vibrant person again.

Alcohol Addiction

I have the right not to engage in conversation with partner when he is under the influence of alcohol.

I have a right to state how I feel when my boundaries or values are crossed when partner is under the influence of alcohol.

I have the right to end our marriage if I feel that partner’s alcohol addiction interferes with an intimate loving relationship between us.

Sexual Intimacy

I want and need healthy sexual intimacy.

I want and need a partner that will put our sexual intimacy before alcohol.

I have the right to expect sexual intercourse as a part of healthy sexual intimacy.

I have the right to say no to any sexual acts that make me uncomfortable.

I have the right to say no to sex if it doesn’t feel right for me.

I expect partner to share in initiating sexual intimacy.

I have the right to stop sexual activity if I feel that it is not intimate sex.

I expect partner to talk about sexual intimacy, especially when he gets frustrated or tries to over please.

I expect my partner to work on his sexual hang ups so we can have honest to goodness sexual intimacy.

Marriage

I have no deadline to leave marriage as long as I continue to see growth and sincerity in partner.

Partner must be in sincere committed recovery for me to continue to stay in marriage.

I have the right to end marriage if I feel that there is no growth and that this will not work out for me.

BOUNDARIES

UNFAITHFULLNESS – I will not tolerate any unfaithfulness in my marriage. This includes, but not limited to, any type of sexual activity with men or women, cybersex, phone sex, strip clubs, voyeurism, adult bookstores, online sex sites (which include pornography and placing, answering, or looking at any personal or sex ads), masturbation (as it cannot be done without fantasying. Also includes partner contacting by phone, email, text, or any form of contact with past sexual encounters or any steps related to acting out by partner. CONSEQUENCE – Marriage will be ended and I will file for divorce. Partner will be asked to leave house.

I expect my partner to continue his recovery and work towards leading a health based life without procrastination and avoidance. CONSEQUENCE – I will state how I feel unsafe and not secure. If he continues down a slippery slope, I will emotionally detach with possible physical separation.

RESPECT/COMMUNICATION – I expect partner to listen to me, not ridicule my thoughts or feelings, not shut me out, and not change conversation and I will do the same. I expect partner to share the little and the big things in his life with me with total honesty, openness, and transparency and I will do the same. CONSEQUENCE – I will state how I feel when this happens. If partner continues on or creates drama, I will emotionally detach until I feel safe again.

I will not tolerate defensiveness, blame shifting, or manipulation from partner. CONSEQUENCE – If this happens, I will state how I feel and why I feel this way. I will emotionally detach and not let myself get drawn into his behavior by me being reactive. If it continues, I will emotionally and physically detach until I feel safe again.

HONESTY – I expect honesty from my partner and others and I will also be honest. CONSEQUENCE – If I know I have been lied to or not being told the truth, I will state how I feel and emotionally detach. If the lying continues, I will physically detach and possible separation.

LOVE/INTIMACY – I expect partner to gain knowledge about intimacy and apply it to our marriage. This includes emotional, physical, and sexual intimacy. CONSEQUENCE – I will have rational discussion with partner stating how I feel and why. If no effort is made to him learning and applying intimacy in our relationship, I will emotionally detach and may also abstain from sexual intimacy. I want emotional intimacy to lead to sexual intimacy.

ALCOHOL ADDICTION – I expect partner’s actions to follow his words on this. He has been quitting/cutting down for a half year now. I expect partner to continue working on this addiction. I am not comfortable communicating or spending time with him when he is drunk as our communication is one sided and doesn’t make sense. CONSQUENCE – I will emotionally and physically detach while partner is heavily under the influence of alcohol.

HEALTH – I will continue to work on my health visions as it is a struggle for me. I will start my monitoring again to keep more emotionally balanced in life. CONSEQUENCE – Review my values, visions and go into depth with myself to see why I am not on track

What behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner?

Being unfaithfull with either females or males. Contacting for sexual relations or a sexual high.

Dishonesty, especially if he withholds information from me.

What behaviors would cause you to worry about your partner's overall balance?

Defensiveness

Blameshifting

Manipulation

Depression

Continuting to state that he feels unloved (this needs to come from within himself first) - very red flag for me as he feels part of the reason he acted out in past

Anger and agressiveness

His feeling that his visions aren't as equally important as his values

Stateing that he is in early recovery as an excuse

Stateing that he is 66 years and how many visions can one have at that age or that he is 66 and been addicted his whole life. (most of his visions involve spending large amount of money and not fluent right now).

Dishonesty

** Partner has/is doing all the above and states that he know he is off balance but doesn't do anything to correct this. He claims he doesn't have money to do things on his vision. He doesn't monitor himself or revisit lessons when he is off balance. I feel partner is capable of spiriling down into his addiciton right now.

What behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing

Most of the above behaviors if they are ongoing.

Being controlling and judgemental

Not dealing with his depression or anger

Being secretative or dishonest

Not living his visions

Ongoing arguing and fighting instead of healthy communication

** He is definately struggling with addictive behaviors right now.

What healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?

I would like partner to share his thoughts and feelings with me openly and honestly and trust me enough to share everything about his life.

To expand his vision to include things that don't cost him large amounts of money.

To learn to dig deep inside himself and learn to love who he is so he can fully give love to others.

To learn how to communicate effectively and learn how to express his needs and feelings properly.

To be my soft place to go when I am upset. To put aside his guilt and shame when I still suffer from pain or have something that triggers me. He will listen to me but doesn't say anything or offer much in comfort.

To not use his age as excuse for relapse in behavior or his struggles in life. And also not use age as him transitioning to a health based life.

For him to learn how to keep his thoughts in the present moment when we are spending time together or talking. Partner had ADHD as child and may still have adult ADHD. He becomes obsessive with a thought and he just continue obsessing about it no matter what else is going on around him. This makes me feel like he is not present with me.

To finish listening to what I am saying without jumping in with defensiveness on his part. He seems to think I am referring to him (guilt or shame?) when I am actually talking about myself.

To have his actions follow his words.

To have more sincerity and motovation in his recovery e.g. monitoring on a consistent basis, applying his skills he learned to real life situations, using the RN forum when off balance for support and to gain knowledge.

I would like to see him make friends. All his friends were left when we moved states away (most his friends have addictive personalitys also). I feel he is isolated from the world.

I would like him to initate more deep conversations, more affection that just a hug and a kiss when he needs it. I would like him to initiate healthy sex without me stateing that I want sex. Also would like him to inititate our weekly talks. If I don't schedule the day, it never happens. The only time he scheduled one was when I asked him to please put day on calander.

Visions, updated.
1-I am going to get a garage built to work on my hobby.
2-i am going to put my old roadster together.
3-i am going to be a loving, honest and understanding partner to my wife.
4-i am going to spend time with friends and family.
5-i am going to go get my grandsons truck from up north and spend time with him to put it together.
6-i am going to continue to work on this old house to put it in shape for the future.
7-i am takeing the time daily to assess my life and continue to monitor my emotions.
8-i am going to quit smoking and stop drinking


Values updated.
a-learn what intimacy is.
1-be open, honest and understanding when asked a question.
2-share my thoughts openly and honestly with vulnerability.
3-listen with compassion to what partner says.
4-i will put aside my sexual hang up about performance.
5-i will spend quality time with partner.
b-live a true life not a fake one.
1-i will not try to be joe cool.
2-i will be more humble and try to live within our means.
3-i will not have sexual relations outside this marriage.
c- I will be a better partner.
1-i will be more considerate of my partners feelings.
2-i will talk more about daily events.
3-i will share my thoughts openly with partner.
4-we will make decisions together.
5-i will give my partner a soft shoulder to lean on.

boundaries
a-i will not do anything that i cant openly tell my partner about.
b-i will tell my partner the truth when asked a question.
c-i will not raise my voice when partner and i are in dissagreement, i will talk softly andif it gets too heavy i will ask for a recess for a while.
d-i will treat my partner with respect and i expect the same.

what behaviors would you find completely unacceptable in your partner.

1-constant obsessive snooping.
2-lack of personal hygiene.
3-physical abuse, or mental abuse
4-deliberate sabatage of our relationship because of fear.
5-infidelity.

what behaviors would cause you to worry about your partners overall balance?

1-overeating.
2-hideing in bed.
3-detatching form relationship.
4-crying excessivly.
5-not letting go of her and my past.

what behaviors would symbolize a return to their addiction and/or a detriment to their own healing?

1-obsessive snooping.
2-fear of getting too close.
3-paying obsessive attention to my recovery

what healthy behaviors would you like to see from your partner in response to what has been identified above?

1-drop her fear of getting too close.
2-wear makeup and jewlery more often to help her self asteem.
3- drop the fear of getting too close.
4- try to let go of the past and move forward.

fear of getting too close.-have a sit down talk about her fear.
self asteem- tell her how beautiful she is. and ask her why she doesnt wear makeup as often as she used to.
fear of getting too close-reasure her that i will not step out of marriage again.

value conflicts-

1- the only value conflict that i may have is probably with my hobbie of old cars. i used to be obsessive with them.

The Partner's Contract

We went over Partner's Contract today, made some changes, intitaled and signed contract.

In the part that reads - That I have shared everything about my addiction to the best of my recollection. Husband crossed off the rest that read /willingness. And that anything I continue to hold on to, I am doing so because I am not ready to share it openely.

He said that he has shared everything and felt this was a loophole to keep things secret.

We both crossed off the word or in the sections that state That I will immediately share my partner and/or and to communicate to partner and/or. We felt that was a loophole to not share with me and that I should be told about everything.


I added to the partner contract - "To mechanically monitor my life starting with weekly for six weeks, and continuing on with monthly's for an indefinate period of time or until I am comfortable not doing them. If I feel I am unbalanced, I will start monitoring again."

I have not been monitoring and have become complacent in health and other areas of my life.

Just a quick distinction~coaching is not the same as counseling. Coaches don't really "counsel" per say. Our job is to simply point things out and guide the process and, in the self-directed path you will get some guidance from time to time and if you feel absolutely stuck, or have a question, you can either post to the community support forum, or pm a coach directly.

Good for you both to give exercise 2 another try! And, it sounds like it went well!

robert45, you have some practical goals for your vision. Understanding that vision is one of the most difficult concepts of the process, I would say you did a fair job! When I look at your vision I see that you have focus, you are creative and a problem solver(in that you rebuild cars). You are committed to quality time with family and have a commitment to your health (both emotional and physical). What you have listed are some goals in relation to your vision. I would encourage you to write your vision from "I am" perspective, incorporating all of the values that you choose as a part of your vision. It is sometimes easier to take those goals we have, and think of them in terms of the qualities a person who would have such goals posess. ie. What kind of person enjoys building trucks, and fixing up their house? (some ideas: hard-working, takes pride in his home, problem-solver, creative, focused etc.). What kind of person likes to spend time with friends and family? (ideas: family-oriented, social, committed, loving etc.) The qualities that call to you are the qualities that you are! (even if you don't see it right now, the more you focus on nurturing those qualities, the more palpable your vision will become). I would do the same with your updated values. For instance, what kind of person would not have sexual hangups about performance? (ideas: a healthy person, a confident person, a person with self-esteem, a person who likes themselves, a person who is selfless, a person who cherishes the union of sexual intimacy with their partner, a person who loves their partner, a person who communicates that love to their partner when they are sexually intimate etc.)



I would amend this to say "I will not". I cannot gives something outside of you the power to make the choice. I will not is claiming that choice for yourself.



I think that scanning without you is also important to include, recognizing that you cannot manage this, or even know if he does so, but you can also include that he needs to be forthcoming should this occur.

Great job with your boundary work, bobbiefs

And good job with your contract, amending it so that it works for you!

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Thanks CoachMel,

I thank you for making the distinction between counseling and coaching. I in my mind knew the difference but didn't come across with the proper terms. Still working on my communication skills, lol.

I have made the changes you sugggested and I see how they work for the better.

My partner has gotten your suggestions also, the rest is up to him.

We read our Communication lesson this morning and will be working on it.

Finished our communication lesson and didn't really have disagreements with it. I feel we did a very job on this lesson.

Hey Hon,

Just a little note to let you know how much I appreicate what you do for us and me. The great dinners, the cleaning, the wash and most importantly the cups of coffee you make me every morning (I treasure this)!

I love you so much!

R found nine messages - the one on our CW thread he hasn't found! I found all ten he hid for me. Without help and looking around I would have never the found the note on the ceiling over my spot about bed. I also enjoyed the one on my ice tea that stated I was sweeter than this tea. Give me a really nice laugh.