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 Post subject: Shaw Workshop Thread
PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 6:53 am 
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OK. I have decided to re-do the Recovery Workshop. In part, because I lost my first one. In, part because I realise that for the last 6 months I have fallen into compulsive patterns once again - using masturbation to self-sooth - occasionally and in binges; I have twice bought pornography, and crossed my own lines of health.

More to the point. I have realised that I have not completely understood the lessons here. I have not engrained them into my head and heart. I see the value - the lessons and plans have changed my life. I have more control, more awareness. But I have not made the transition from addictive patterns to a healthy foundation.

At the moment, I am confused, panicking, overwhelmed by the guilt of relapsing, and overwhelmed too by the emotions flooding over me - from within and without. Coach Mel's recent post only highlighted my sense of confusion about recovery. About the difference between intrinsic and extrinsic values. About the way I have separated recovery from my own life.

In a way, I finally feel ready to commit to the lessons - to apply them to each moment of each day of my life. To learn how I can handle my life, my thoughts and feelings more effectively, to attach my actions to a value, and use that foundation to make healthy decisions, and build a healthy character from the rubble of years of escapism through sex and fantasy.

Have made a confused, and occasionally half-hearted attempt, I am ready to make a full blown commitment to this process - and to my life. My marriage, my family, my ambitions, my friends - all starting with myself. I see the possibility for change - but more to the point I want to learn how that change can be made by me - in my life.

There are, I confess, external motivations for change. But the basic impulse comes from within. Having returned time and time and time again to my compulsive and addictive patterns, I feel as though I am living at about 12% of my capability - for happiness, for control, for feeling joy and pain, for living my life actively and directly, for achieving my ambitions, for feeling love, for dealing with the darkest sides of life.

I am frightened that the longer I wait - the longer I learn how to behave like a recoverer - not be one - the harder it will become to change.

Let me put that in positive language. If I begin the process of change now, the sooner I will live the life I want, be the person I want and can be. I am Weary of boom and bust. I want a structure for my life that will guide me right now and into the years ahead. I am so tired about the obstacles I have placed in my head - that stop me being open, honest, reaching my potential, choosing the most destructive, ineffective, embarrassing and pointless routes to any problem. I am ashamed that I have not figured this out - and I consider myself relatively smart. I feel stupid much of the time - and I have had enough of that. I have made myself stupid - I have wallowed in immaturity.

I want to grow up. I want to live a mature, peaceful life, making the most of whatever time I have left, doing things I love and showing love to those around me. I want to engage with the world directly - now barriers in the way.

I trust and know RN is the way forward. but I have to apply the lessons to my life, as I live it. No half-measures. I commit to change right now - at 12.51 on Tuesday August 2nd.

I have talked this over with my wife, and I feel it is the right thing to do. To get in amongst these lessons. To use them to paddle in a new direction. To take the time to engrain each part - and be open about myself. Lay myself on the line.

I want to finish by October 29th. Enough time to assess and apply, buyt also to move on.

I will use Coach Mel's vision plan to create my vision. I have worked on my values but will return to those in the lesson.

S


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 7:53 am 
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B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life. Don't stop at three or four obvious ones, really examine your life and what is important to you. List these in your recovery thread.


1. I want to engage directly and actively with the world around me
2. I want to make the most of the time I have on this planet
3 I want to feel my emotions, good and bad, directly - not escape from them
4 I want to be the person I think I am and want to be, not the person my compulsion has made me
5 I want my best values to inform my public self - as a husband, a son, a friend, even a father one day
6 I want to live in the open - not resort to secret, dishonest ways of living#
7 I want to learn how to be proactive and reactive - to be flexible in my outlook
8 I want to learn awareness, focus and active self-consciousness - I want to fight my tendency to complacency
9 I want to do what I say - I want to finish what I start
10 I want to become an independent, not a dependent, person - making my own decisions, not trying to please others
11 I want to learn the true value of humility
12. I want to grow up
13 I want to cause joy not pain
14 I want to achieve my goals - and not talk about them all the time #
15 I dont want to end up like my parents, my worst nightmares
16 I want to come to terms with what I have done - and move on.
17 I want life to stop being so fucking hard all the time - because I make it so.

Photograph

I am looking at the same photograph as I did last time - of me and my little brother in our shorts, waving flags. One thing I notice - I am looking straight in the camera. We look oddly like little old men. My little brother is laughing and tugging up his shorts. I have an American flag, for some reason. I see how much I look like my grandfather oddly. Slightly uncertain - there isnt the same outright joy as my brother. But there is a curiosity too, I think. None of the odd self-consciousness I now display in the camera - oddy worries about how I look. sDo I look fat in this? The disappointment of seeing the pic as compared to how I think I look. Outcome Shaw - not process. People like taking pictures.

there is a simplicity I guess, then, that I lack now. I am waving a flag and having my picture taken. A directness - an innocence to it all. There is nothing else going on but that - I am with my brother who I am all but estranged from. Passive now. Together then. It is sunny. I am not wearing my shirt, and I dont care who knows it. Sandles and socks, and again I dont care who knows it.

I feel the gap and the sense of time passing in an instant. So much has happened, and so little. I feel my immaturity - my unwillingness to grab hold of life, throwi it about it, get on top of it. If that isnt mixing a metaphor or 3. I feel so heavy now in comparison to that. Weighed down by my shit. My unwillingness to be in the moment - to wave a flag, stand with my briother and have my photo taken.

I wonder who took the photo? I wonder what we did the second afterwards.

Quote:
Acknowledge that this child is you at a point in your life. Feel how vulnerable you were. How trusting. Recognize the lack of addiction in your life...and the desire for little more than love, compassion, teaching and support. Think of the trauma you faced throughout your life. Think of the times when you felt alone. Confused. If you feel like it, cry for this child. Allow yourself to feel love for this child. Do whatever you must to emotionally connect with this child because it is for this child that you are now reclaiming your life. It is this child who lost their way and you are the one now showing the courage to guide this child, who is you, back to health.


Coach Jon is so right. What happened to me? What did I do to go from there to here? To be so fightened and untrusting and untrustworthy? I want that directness again. I know I was a shy kid - but time to feel the fear not run from it.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 10:42 am 
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A huge part of the work of healing and recovery has to do with creating and connecting to a vision for our lives. The more I experience life, either through my role here as a coach, or in my personal life, the more strongly I feel that vision work is cornerstone to living an empowered, health based life--regardless of whether or not one's life has been impacted by sexual addiction. Creating a vision for our life, extracting and deepening the meaning we derive from our values, is not something that is taught in schools and sadly, it is not something that we are often intentionally taught by our families, either. Not surprisingly, it is the part of the workshop with which many people struggle and get stuck on and is what motivated me to I write this "how to" for creating your vision. This is an incomplete work in progress, and I am not certain how it will unfold exactly but as it does, I will post the updates here, in this thread. I hope that you will find these exercises useful and practical, inspiring and motivating you in creating your life's vision!

A well thought out vision, one that considers the totality of your life, will serve you well--especially when you are met with conflict or major life decisions!

So, how does one go about creating a vision for their life? Good question! Most of us have never done this kind of work before, so being given the task, especially so early on in the process of healing and recovery, can seem daunting. This is why I decided to write this little "how to" on creating an effective vision. Let's begin. First, read through each exercise. Do them all, or choose the ones that most appeal to you. I suggest at least 3, including number 5. The more you do the better, as each one will contribute something to the others, but it really is up to you! Just like the workshop--and life--what you get out is relative to what you put in!

1. Start at the Very End. This one is a little confronting for people who may not deal well with the idea of their own mortality, but let's face it~we are all going to die, sooner or later! But, as the quote goes, "are we truly going to live"? Yes, you are and your vision is going to show you the way! Imagine that you are able to be at your own funeral. Who is there? What are they saying about you? Think in terms of what you would want them to say, as this is an exercise in creating a vision for the person you are committed to being, not an exercise in beating yourself up for falling short of your, or anyone else's, expectations! Another approach to this exercise is to imagine that you are able to do a review of your life after you have taken your last breath. What was your life like? Was it everything you wanted it to be? What did you like about it? What would you change if you had the opportunity? Again, think about the roles you filled, the people you surrounded yourself with, how you spent your time etc. ...and don't forget the values you lived by!

2. Start at the Very Beginning. Think back to when you were a child. What did you like to do? What kinds of activities did you do and what kinds of games did you play (dress-up, building with lego or blocks, drawing, reading, sports etc.)? What did you imagine yourself doing when you grew up? What were your favorite school subjects? Did you play sports? What were your hobbies? Where were your favorite places to go? What sense do you have of yourself as a child (free spirit, introspective, strong-willed, loving, helpful, outgoing, shy)? Also think about the things that you didn't like to do? Why didn't you like to do them? What things did you always wish you could do, that you felt you couldn't?

3. Your Ideal Self. What energizes and inspires you? What are your natural talents (those things you do that seem effortless, that you may even take for granted)? What would you like more of in your life? What would you like less of? Who would you most like to be like? Why? What personal qualities and characteristics (in yourself and in others) appeal to you?

4. Your Dream Life. What do you want more than anything else in this world? If you had no obligations, constraints, or obstacles and your resources were unlimited, what would you do? Where would you be? Who would you be with? What do your surroundings look like? What pursuits would you devote your time to? What do you most like to talk about? What motivates you? What could you spend an entire day doing and not grow tired, bored, drained from or frustrated with? Think beyond your response and answer the question of why in regard of your responses. Think about what it is about that person that you would like to spend time with them; what is it about that location that you are ever-inspired, peaceful, energized, etc.

5. Your Values Inventory. Using the list provided, highlight the attributes, qualities and values that appeal most to you. Cross out the ones you don't like. Add any that you don't see listed that appeal to you. Use a dictionary or use your own interpretation to define what these words (values) mean to you. Group similar value words together to form a value concept. Use one or two defined values to represent your value concept. To help you with your definitions and to develop your values concepts, it will help to think about what behaviours, actions and ways of being that a person with (insert value here) will be. For example, I value Integrity. The dictionary definition of integrity is “the state of being whole and undivided; the condition of being unified, unimpaired, or sound in construction; the quality of being honest and having strong moral principles; uprightness. My personal definition of a person with integrity is a person who honors themselves as their word, they do what they say by when they said they would do it, they practice absolute honesty, they are the change they wish to see in the world, they think about the impact they have on others and the world around them and they take responsibility for their actions. Integrity is the foundation for all of my other values; in other words, without integrity, my other values risk being compromised.

Alphabetical List of Values:

Ability, Abundance, Academics, Accessibility, Accommodating, Accomplishment, Achievement, Acknowledgment, Activeness, Acquiring, Adaptability, Admiration, Adoration, Adroitness, Advancement, Adventure, Advice, Affection, Affluence, Aggressiveness, Agility, Alertness, Allegiance, Altruism, Amazement, Amusement, Ambition, Amnesty, Anticipation, Appreciation, Approachability, Approval, Articulacy, Artistry, Assertiveness, Atonement, Attentiveness, Attraction, Attractiveness, Audacity, Austerity, Authenticity, Authority, Autonomy, Availability, Awareness, Awe

Balance, Beauty, Being, Being the/your best, Belonging, Beliefs, Benevolence, Bliss, Boldness, Bonding, Bravery, Brilliance, Building, Buoyancy

Calmness, Camaraderie, Candor, Capability, Career (mindedness), Carefulness, Caring, Celebration, Celebrity, Certainty, Challenge, Change, Character, Charity, Charm, Chastity, Cheerfulness, Choice, Civility, Clarity, Classiness, Cleanliness, Clear-mindedness, Cleverness, Closeness, Closure, Coaching, Cognizance, Collaboration, Comfort, Commitment, Communication, Communion, Community, Companionship, Compassion, Compatibility, Competence, Competition, Completion, Composure, Comprehensiveness, Compromise, Concentration, Confidence, Conformity, Congruity, Connection, Conscience, Conscientiousness, Conservation, Conservatism, Consciousness, Consideration, Consistency, Contentment, Continuity, Continuous growth, Contribution, Control, Conversation, Conviction, Conviviality, Coolness, Cooperation, Cordiality, Correctness, Courage, Courteousness, Craftiness, Creativity, Credibility, Cunning, Curiosity

Daring, Decency, Decisiveness, Decorum, Dedication, Deference, Delight, Democracy, Dependability, Depth, Designing, Desire, Destiny, Detachment, Determination, Devotion, Dexterity, Dignity, Diligence, Diplomacy, Direction, Directness, Discernment, Discipline, Discipleship, Discovery, Discretion, Distinction, Diversity, Dominance, Dreaming, Drive, Dutifulness, Dynamism

Eagerness, Earnestness, Economy, Ecstasy, Education, Effectiveness, Efficiency, Elation, Elegance, Emotional maturity, Empathy, Empowerment, Encouragement, Endeavor Endurance, Energy, Enjoyment, Enterprising, Entertainment, Equinamity, Esteem, Evolution, Excellence, Exceptionality, Excitement, Exhilaration, Expansion, Expectancy, Expediency, Experience, Experimenting, Expertise, Expressiveness, Extraordinariness, Extravagance, Extroversion, Exuberance

Fairness, Faith, Faithfulness, Fame, Family, Fascination, Fashion, Fearlessness, Feeling(s), Ferocity, Fidelity, Fierceness, Finances, Firmness, Fitness, Flexibility, Flow, Fluency, Focus, Fortitude, Frankness, Freedom, Friendliness, Friendship, Frugality, Fun

Gallantry, Generosity, Gentility, Giving, Grace, Gratitude, Gregariousness, Growth, Guidance

Happiness, Harmony, Health, Healthfulness, Heart, Helpfulness, Heroism, Holiness, Holism, Honesty, Honor, Hope, Hopefulness, Hospitality, Humanitarianism, Humor, Hygiene

Imagination, Impact, Impartiality, Importance, Independence, Individuality, Indulgence, Industriousness, Ingenuity, Initiative, Innovation, Inquisitiveness, Insightfulness, Inspiration, Integrity, Intelligence, Intensity, Intimacy, Intrepidness, Introversion, Intuitiveness, Inventiveness, Invulnerability

Joyfulness, Judiciousness, Justice

Kaizen, Keenness, Kindness, Kindheartedness, Knowledge

Leadership, Learning, Legacy, Liberation, Liberty, Likability, Liveliness, Logic, Longevity, Love, Loyalty

Magnanimity, Majesty, Making a Difference, Marriage, Mastery, Maturity, Maximization, Meekness, Mellowness, Mercy, Meritoriousness, Methodology, Meticulousness, Mindfulness, Moderation, Modesty, Motivation, Mysteriousness

Neatness, Nerve, Normality, Nostalgia, Notoriety, Nutrition

Obedience, Open-Mindedness, Openness, Optimism, Order, Organization, Originality, Outlandishness, Outrageousness

Participation, Partnership, Passion, Patriotism, Peace, Perceptiveness, Perseverance, Personal Growth, Perfectionism, Perkiness, Persistence, Persuasiveness, Philanthropy, Piety, Playfulness, Pleasantness, Pleasing Others, Pleasure, Poise, Polish, Popularity, Potency, Power, Practicality, Pragmatism, Precision, Preparedness, Presence, Privacy, Proactivity, Problem-Solving, Professionalism, Progress, Prosperity, Protection, Prudence, Punctuality, Puritanism, Purity, Purpose

Quality, Qualifying, Qualification, Quietism, Quietude, Quirkiness

Realism, Reason, Reasonableness, Recognition, Recreation, Refinement, Reflection, Regard, Regulation, Relationship, Relaxation, Reliability, Religion, Religiousness, Resilience, Resolution, Resolve, Resourcefulness, Respect, Rest, Restfulness, Restraint, Results, Reverence, Richness, Rigor

Sacrifice, Sagacity, Saintliness, Sanctitude, Sanguineness, Satisfaction, Security, Self-actualization, Self-care, Self-control, Self-esteem, Selflessness, Self-reliance, Self-respect, Sensitivity, Sensuality, Serenity, Service, Servitude, Sexuality, Sharing,
Shrewdness, Significance, Silence, Silliness, Simplicity, Sincerity, Skillfulness, Solidarity, Solitude, Solvency, Soundness, Specialness, Speediness, Spirit, Spirituality, Spontaneity, Spunk, Stability, Status, Stealth, Stillness, Strength, Structure, Success, Support, Supremacy, Surprise, Survival, Sympathy, Synergy, Systemization

Teamwork, Temperance, Tenacity, Thankfulness, Thoroughness, Thoughtfulness, Thrift, Tidiness, Timeliness, Tolerance, Tradition, Tranquility, Transcendence, Transformation, Trust, Trustworthiness, Truth, Truthfulness

Understanding, Unflappability, Uniqueness, Unity, Usefulness, Utilitarianism

Valor, Variety, Verve, Victory, Vigor, Virtue, Vision, Visionariness, Vitality, Vivacity

Wackiness, Warmth, Watchfulness, Wealth, Willingness, Willpower, Winning, Wisdom, Wittiness, Wonder, Worldliness, Worthiness

Yearning, Youthfulness

Zaniness, Zeal, Zest


6. Identify your Domains. A domain, by definition, is an area of territory owned or controlled by a ruler or government. Therefor, your domains are the areas of your life that are controlled by you! What are those domains? Some ideas to get you rolling are Family, Friend, Career, Spirituality, etc. Some of these may be broken down into sub-domains, or you can separate them out as individual domains~your choice. For instance, Family can be divided into subdomains of Partner, Parent, Son/Daughter, Sister/Brother, etc. The more areas you identify, the more areas you will have to support you.

7. Vision Abstract Collage. They say that a picture is worth a thousand words! Using old magazines, tear out pictures that represent what you envision or want for your life. You can include personal photographs as well, creating your collage using the traditional cut and paste method, or create a digital collage, or perhaps a scrapbook or even a photo collage using a collage frame (with multiple openings). You can draw, write original work or include quotes that inspire you~anything that conjures up a rich mental image of the vision you have for your life. Think about the story told by each image you incorporate into your collage. Use each element of your collage to draw out your values.

When considering your vision, you also want to consider the values that you have inherited (from your family of origin, from your faith or spiritual based affiliations, from your peers, from your culture, etc.). Some of these values will "make the cut" but some might not. That is the thing about your vision~it is your vision!

Finally, As you are developing your vision, you want to keep in mind that, just as life is a process, so to is creating your vision: As you evolve, so will your vision. There is no "right" or "wrong" vision to have, only one that is right or wrong for you! Be honest with yourself, be true to yourself. If you are including something because you feel you should, or if it doesn't feel right~it likely isn't.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 02, 2011 10:43 am 
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1. Start at the Very End. This one is a little confronting for people who may not deal well with the idea of their own mortality, but let's face it~we are all going to die, sooner or later! But, as the quote goes, "are we truly going to live"? Yes, you are and your vision is going to show you the way! Imagine that you are able to be at your own funeral. Who is there? What are they saying about you? Think in terms of what you would want them to say, as this is an exercise in creating a vision for the person you are committed to being, not an exercise in beating yourself up for falling short of your, or anyone else's, expectations! Another approach to this exercise is to imagine that you are able to do a review of your life after you have taken your last breath. What was your life like? Was it everything you wanted it to be? What did you like about it? What would you change if you had the opportunity? Again, think about the roles you filled, the people you surrounded yourself with, how you spent your time etc. ...and don't forget the values you lived by!


I like that - are we truly going to live? I have done anything but this - I have placed obstacles in between me and my life, and refused to move other ones. I talked to my friend L about viewing life from behind a wall of ice. But Mel is making me realise - it doesnt have to be there. I have placed that ice myself - skewed my perceptions. But it is just a perception.

I still feel the blocks now. I was just thinking about this. When I try to discuss the porn use, even with myself, I feel myself holding back. I guess to minimise my embarrassment. But the knock on is that I am looking at the problem slightly out of the corner of my eye. To learn honesty, I need to be able to face what I have done as clearly as what I will do.

Blocks - out of habit, embarrassment, self-protection, image creation, ignorance and laziness (not thinking), stupidity (not making connections),fear, not taking the time, connection to the addiction, desire to prolong the addiction.

Funeral Game

First, I would like to be missed. That my character and contribution was strong enough and positive enough to be felt by other people. That those people felt the way I acted was no different to how I was. That they would be glad to see me, and slightly sad when I left. That I made a positive difference in their lives. Not to be well thought of - but because I wanted to be a good person. I was seen as clever and funny, kind and generous.

I would like to be thought of as a good and loving husband (I write this with all sense of how unlikely this is). That I loved my wife wholeheartedly, made her feel that love. that we were a team, soul mates, friends and lovers. that we supported each other through hard times - didnt give up - and enhanced the good times. We created a life and a home for ourselves. Home was wherever we were. If we were apart, we felt the loss, but were secure in finding each other again.

I valued family and friends. I was the sort of person other people enjoyed being with. They could trust me and confide in me. we could have a laugh together, be silly or serious. I helped out in bad times too - made time (in my desperately busy schedule) to see them. Family and friends kept me grounded, and vice versa. People liked me, even when I was being a twat.

I was respected for my work - I made a contribution as a writer, eventually spreading my wings and (here's the dream part) becoming a successful writer, who wrote things people liked. Even though I was successful, it didnt change me - or not for very long. I balanced work and my own life. I also made a social contribution with voluntary work - helping others in pain who felt alone and isolated.

I was a good person, enjoyable to be with, helpful, kind - liked and respected. I had my flaws and my limitations, but worked to overcome them. I made the most of my time on this earth. I lived a full and vigorous life. I gave and received. I lived every day as if it was my last, and used every day to learn something new, or teach someone else. I will be sadly missed, but remembered fondly. Now and again...


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 12:49 pm 
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I see myself living a life defined by authenticity - where I do what I will say I will do, where I live as I say I will live, where what you see is what you get. Because I have united my actions with my values, because I have nothing to hide, because I deal with difficulty and simplicity, joy and pain, love and hatred in the same, honest and open fashion.

Generally, I see a life where I connect directly with the people and the world around me. I have thrown off the destructive traits of my addiction - got rid of the way it complicated my perception of life - but I have not forgotten them. This memory does not hold me back, it reminds me to make positive choices - and whispers about the consequences of negative ones.

At the heart of everything is my relationship with my wife - she is my home, the centre of my world. The woman I return to each day to centre myself. At the same time, I reciprocate in kind - I listen carefully to her troubles and triumphs, give advice or just listen carefully. We make time together to build our relationship - to face boring admin or tough decisions - we support each other through bad times - and we have fun. we like to travel - to new places and familiar ones. we find odd restaurants and bond over strange food. We build in culture, but that is not our way to relax. She puts up with my desire to find odd record shops. I watch as she she shps and try to be honest about her choices.

I have in my mind images of great couples - Newman and Woodward, Waits and Brennan - I imagine Coach Jon's too. People who found their soulmate - someone to collaborate with on their life. their work and hobbies are shared passions, even when there is an inbalance in the enjoyment!!!! but they have been through the mill and come out the other side. this is life in all its glory and pain.

We are aware of practical problems - money, time. but are not overwhelmed by them. We talk about solutions to our issues without dodging the issues. I hope there are children in that future. I want to sort myself out now so I can be the sort of person that would be a good father. To learn from a child as well as guide and teach them. But if we dont have children, we have a great relationship which fills my vision and my heart. I make time for her and for us.

I am a supportive and active son. My family are not close, but I realise that family is a strong value and I do what I can, actively staying in touch with my parents, helping out when they need it. being active to build a relationship with my brother. I visit him from time to time - get to know his partner, and also himself. We were close as kids - and we recover some of that intimacy as adults. I help my parents as they get older. I realise that often what I find annoying is their way of expressing love. It is not mine - but then we are not the same people.

I am a good friend. I tend to prefer close friendships to a huge base. I enjoy myself in a variety of ways with a variety of friends - some need an activity, like sport, others we can meet, chat or share what is going on in our lives. Again, I am supportive when it is needed - I offer help not wait to be asked, and follow through when I am most needed. I am always open to new people, but my foundation is my old and trusted friends.

I work as hard as I play. I want to progress both in terms of my ability to do my job, but also in financial terms. I earn a good living and provide security for our life together – important in keeping stress to a minimum (not that it will ever be!) but allowing us to live as we choose. If my wife wants to write, she can. I take the same care with my writing as I do elsewhere everything feeds everything else – happiness at the work desk helps breed happiness elsewhere. I am good at organizing my time to allow for other creative pursuits – I spend at least a day a week writing my own stuff, and improving as a creative writer. I take this seriously but have fun with it.

I develop this creativity for its own worth,. I play my guitar with slightly more proficiency, but for my self. I read all the books I want to and enjoy the movies. Occasionly I even make a play or an art gallery,. I take care of my physical well-being – in part to look good, but mainly to feel good. I want to live my life as fully as I can, and being fit will facilitate this. I will develop my spiritual interests, and see where this takes me.

I see a life where I know real joy – where pleasure is a part of my life, not an escape from it. I know when to be serious, and how to be serious. I live a life of peace – I take time out everyday to keep an eye on myself, to make sure I am heading in the right direction. But this is really my way of savouring all the time I have. I accept the challenges and ugliness of life every bit as much as the pleasant parts. I am part of a larger team – with a wife, family, friends. I am independent. I know where I begin and where I end. I communicate this knowledge all the time.


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 1:09 pm 
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B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them. Your goal for this lesson is to create a single, comprehensive list that involves all of the primary ways that you derive stimulation from your life. Or, those areas that you want to derive stimulation from. Most lists will contain between 50-100 items. When you are done, post this list in your recovery thread.


Universal Values

Honesty
Integrity
Love
Self-respect
Time
Intimacy
Health
Communication
Listening

Practical Values


1, Authenticity
2 Integrity
3 Living with difficulty
4 Facing the dark side
5 Transparency
6 Honesty
7 Direct communication with the world
8 Simplicity of outlook
9 Clear decision making
10 Developing my relationship with my wife
11 Listening carefully
12 Developing intimacy with my wife
13 Empathy
14 Being supportive - and asking for support
15 Having fun
16 Going out for meals - sharing food and good times
17 Having new experiences
18 Being a great couple
19 Sharing the world with someone else
20 Achieveing financial stability
21 Using every second of my time profitably
22 Being a good father
23 Developing my role as a son
24 Developing my role as a brother
25 Physical health
26 Developing my spiritual life
27 Understanding what family means
28 Developing a strong sense of who I am
29 Being able to communicate openly and directly
30 Enjoying being part of a team
31 Being proactive
32 Helping other people
33 Being trustworthy
34 Saying what I mean
35 Becoming better at my job
36 Developing my skills as a creative writer
37 Developing my love of music - playing and listening
38 Reading
39 Learning
40 Enjoying the cultural of my life city
41 Leanring how to enjoy myself healthily
42 Peace and mediation
43 Enjoying a challenge
44 Accepting the dark side of the force as well as the light
45 Sense of humour - for enjoyment and also to deal with life.
46 Living my life actively - enjoying every second and learning from it

C. When you have extracted every possible value that you can think of from your vision, do the following:

1) Review the example values list for any additional values that you may want to add to your own list. List them.

Other values:


47 Helping others
48 Being playful
49 Being reliable
50 Humility
51 Sense of responsibility
52 Putting other people's needs before my own
53 Living an adventurous life
54 Developing emotional maturity
55 Sexual intimacy
56 Sexual happiness
57 Developing patience
58 Sharing my true self with the world around me
59 Wisdom
60 Feeling connected to my own feelings
61 Survival
62 Connecting to a purpose in life
63 Organisation
64 Adaptability
65 Curiosity
66 Fidelity
67 Taking care of others in need
68 Feeling challenged
69 Open-minded to the beliefs of others

2) Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list themas well.

1 Time wasting
2 Self-indulgence
3 Claustrophobia
4 Instant gratification
5 Escapism
6 Avoidance
7 Blindness
8 Disconnection
9 Impulsiveness
10 Sexual immaturity
12 Lowest common denominator
13 Self-delusion
14 Masochism
15 Resentment
16 Danger
17 Self-reward
18 Self-regard
19 Fantasy
20 Power
21 Control
22 Delay
23 Self-satisfaction
24 Ease
25 Simplicity
26 Rebellion
27 Anger
28 Transgression
29 Sadism
30 Desperation
31 Fighting fear
32 Self-soothing
33 Excitement
34 Attractiveness
35 Voyeurism
36 Aggression


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PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:01 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
Universal Values

Honesty
Integrity
Love
Self-respect
Time
Intimacy
Health
Communication
Listening

Practical Values

1 Authenticity/Integrity - saying what I mean, meaning what I say; uniting personal and public self
2 Honesty and Transparency - telling the truth, but also being open about difficulty - not pretending to be better than I am
3 Direct communication with the world - engage with the world, express myself clearly, live actively (eg enjoy experiences, friends)
4 Clear decision making - no distractions, recognising the right and the wrong thing to do, acting on the healthy choice
5 Developing my relationship with my wife - listening carefully, being honest, developing intimacy, living life actively together
6 Empathy - learning to think about life from other people's points of view; learn new approaches
7 Family - developing my role as a son and borther
8 Helping others and asking for help - not cutting myself off from others, but engaging f
9 Having fun - learning how to have healthy pleasure
10 Friendship - enjoying my old friends, deepening our relationship, and being open to new people
11 Creativity - writing novel, playing guitar
12 Challenges - experiencing new things - culturally, sexually, socially, philosophically - to develop sense of self
13 Using time profitably - getting the most out of each second
14 Learning - using my life and reading to learn about myself and the world around me - practically as well as abstractly
15 Sense of humour - as survival tool - and way to see the world - also to have fun
16 Activity and proactiveness - vital to taking control of my life. Passivity is the enemy. Awareness and recognition the weapons


Last edited by Shaw72 on Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:22 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Health Monitoring
PostPosted: Sun Aug 07, 2011 2:21 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
Health Monitoring

1 Did I organise and use my time productively?
[*]Make lists.
[*]Plan ahead.
[*]Organise for tomorrow and next week.
[*]Get ahead of myself - especially in work.

Some wobbles. Work spilled over into our plans, and the wife not happy. Mainly my fauly - but a big job and we collaborated to rearrange our day out. However, a valuable lesson to learn here. I could have finished the big work and left space for us. I need to balance this better- be honest about my deadlines, with myslef and others, and work hard to get work finished to have a life of my own.

But otherwise not too bad. Arranged day out which was good and was flexible enough to have day off with the wife on Saturday. I need to plan ahead for this week. I have some social things, and bits of work to do.

2 Did I ACTIVELY develop my relationship with my partner?
[*]Listen
[*]Talk.
[*]Develop physical and emotional intimacy.

Some progress here. Date night and a day out together. A lot of talking. I am reading a book about listening, also about forgiveness. I feel my ignorance here, but I know I have to overcome it. Excuses are not enough. So I need to try - by that i mean try things out, make the effort. If I mess up, then I must learn from it. I will be happier, she will be happier, we will be happier. Thatg is life -you dont always get it right, but you will always get it wrong if you do nothing and exist in passivity.


3 Did I use today to ACTIVELY engrain a lesson from RN into my life? What was it?
Did I use my everyday experience to connect to my values and action plans?
To grow and learn who I am and who I can be?

Several things occur. Time for one - see above. Honesty - in talkiing about the role of masturbation in my life. something that I have never really faced up to even in RN so far. This was a breakthrough. I realise how much work I have to do to activate the knowledge in my recovery. I have to get beyond myself and engage with the world. I tried this on our away day. Being present- listening, offering plans and also being reactive. I had a compulsive event around the bag. But I calmed - recognised and moved on. WE had a small row, but moved past it. I need to put my own ego in context. I mustnt chase my own desires. I must collaborate with my partner and with the world. Creativity a little today with my guitar. Enormous pleasure. As long as you dont have to hear me, that is.

4 Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
Did I learn why and develop a plan to combat the feeling?

Not too bad. There was the compulsive need to buy the bag onthe away day.I think this was about transisiton - being in a new place, needing to order it to my needs. also the desire to have food or drink - rather than see what the town offered. Interesting need to escape the vividness of experience. Some compulsive stuff last week with work. Some strong sexual urges in the morning especially. I am also aware of moments of scanning and sexual fantasy. But i feel aware of them and able to recognise and get past. I am learnign to live without masturbation. I accept the urge but realise it is a PEREPTION OF NEED NOT A NEED.

5 Was I ACTIVELY truthful in everything I shared with my wife today?
Did I commit a sin of omission?
Would I be happy if she saw everything I did today?
Did I make amends and use it as a chance to learn?

Pretty good here. I am trying to get more open. Share my negative thoughts, my true sexulaity. It isnt easy. I need to work on answering what my block is. But I am startign to trust to this. I have nthing to lose - or rather everything to lose. Anything else is games playing. I need to see this and share this side of me clearly. But some progress.

6 Did I take time to do something creative for the sake of being creative today?
Write or learn the guitar?

A little on the guitar. some opportunities for writing this week.

7 Did I take some time to sit quietly and peacefully, away from distractions, noise, and consider my life?

A little. I am learning to take little breaks in the day to calm my emotions. I sometimes do this in conversatinos - take a second to think, and listen attentively. I am realising I have strong issues around ADD and have ordered some books on this. I will work hard on this as it is the path to being present - on my own and with others. Vital as a path to health.

8 How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?

Better. I feel the distance i need go, but at least I see it. I am not sure I can do it, but I want to. I accept the challenge. I want the challenge. It is the only way I can live any sort of fruitful happy life. I am an addict. I truly accept that. I need to retrain myself. I am ready to do this.

9 Did I bullshit myself today?

A little. I zone in and out - but at least the bullshit detector is on.

10 Looking ahead to tomorrow, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?
Develop awareness?

Some work stuff to do. Some social stuff later in the week. Balance these with my wife, my recovery and my own creative stuff. I will use the journal to organise my day and prepare myself for what I need to do.

11 Peer pressure?
Did I learn to see my friends and colleagues in a positive and real light?
This is a signal of my emotional instability - note it.

OK here.

12. Did you displace your sexual compulsions anywhere else this week?

Some. IN arundel, there was the compulsive shopping. Also the work procrastination last week. But ok on the whole. Back to work and strucutre tomorrow.

13 HAVE I BEEN PASSIVE?

From time to time, but I feel this is at the centre of everything I need to do. Or rather being active is. Fighting passivity is key to laying a healthy foundation.


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PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 12:05 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
Quote:
Universal Values

Honesty
Integrity
Love
Self-respect
Time
Intimacy
Health
Communication
Listening
Creativity
Enthusiasm
Good humour
Practical Values

1 Honesty and Transparency/Authenticity and Integrity - not just telling the truth about lapses, but being honest with myself about the dark side of my self - not pretending that everything is ok. A problem acknowledged is a problem ready to be solved. Clarity - seeing life in all its complexity

2 Direct communication with the world - engage with the world, express myself clearly, live actively (eg enjoy experiences, friends, no hiding), unite personal and public worlds

3 Attention - learning how to focus my attention; to evade distraction and commit myself to one thing at a time; to advance my awareness and powers of recognitino

4 Developing my relationship with my wife - listening carefully, being honest, developing intimacy, living life actively together, developing sexual intimacy

5 Empathy and listening - learning to think about life from other people's points of view; learn new approaches; practising listening to facilitate engagement with the world

6 Family - developing my role as a son and brother - making those relationships as intimate as they can be, without imposing myself on them

7 Helping others and asking for help - not cutting myself off from others; not assuming I know the right answers; trusting others

8 Having fun - learning how to have healthy pleasure - organising my time to enjoy myself, take pressure off.

9 Friendship - enjoying my old friends, deepening our relationship, and being open to new people

10 Creativity - writing novel, playing guitar

11 Experiencing new things - culturally, sexually, socially, philosophically - to develop sense of self, keep life fresh and stimulating. To avoid getting stuck in a rut.

12 Using time profitably - getting the most out of each second; organising time to maximise achievement and minimise stress; part of empathy; puncuality as sign of respect for others, and self respect too

13 Learning - using my life and reading to learn about myself and the world around me - practically as well as abstractly - to keep myself fresh and stimulated

14 Sense of humour - as survival tool - and way to see the world - also to have fun

15 Activity and proactiveness - vital to taking control of my life. Passivity is the enemy. Awareness and recognition the weapons

16 Health - physical fitness - to feel and also to look good; to help facilitate my life. Also to promote a positve link between mind and body


What I see as linking these values together is the desire for active living. These are values that encourage constant engagement with others and with my self - a way to connect clearly to reality, and to commit to that reality. To extract the most from each day - to fight complacency and that foggy self-delusion I have used to self-sooth and to escape the complexities of my life. NB they are always there whether I choose to see them or not.

I recognise fully that this process of living and active engagement is on-going. At the moment, my vigilence must be total. I might eb able to relax later- but then I must have strucutres in place to maintain an awareness of that relation. For now, strucutre and recognition of what is happening is paramount to laying the correct foundation to enact a permanent change.

No half-measures. I want to move forward. But do not forget - as ontrack says - that I am only a few steps away from relapse. To put this positively. Each healthy step I take - each healthy decision - makes the next one that little bit easier.

Keep doing this. Keep using all areas of your life to extract meaning, to learn and to practive those positve values. Lay that foundation.
Quote:
Life is to be managed. Addiction is a mere boil on the butt of life (apologies to my wife for bringing her medical condition into this). Your goal in recovery is not to learn to manage addiction, it is to learn to manage your life. Yes, learning about addiction is an important step in removing the boil, but it is not the solution. You don't learn your way out of this. Insights will come. Skills will be developed. But unless you are ultimately able to apply these insights and skills within the context of a healthy life, they will serve as little more than a temporary escape from your addiction.


I was thinking about this earlier. I think my values are also about making the most of my time. I constantly ask how people stay motivated and fresh. I realise I must do that - open myself up to new situations and experiences. Not to rest on my laurels. Accept new challenges, and do so with enthusiasm - an important word and values I think. I am a happy kind of guy at heart, but I think I depress myself when I feel overwhelmed. I want to embrace those feelings and channel them positively.


Last edited by Shaw72 on Mon Aug 15, 2011 11:49 am, edited 2 times in total.

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PostPosted: Mon Aug 08, 2011 12:16 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
Quote:
Lesson 6 Exercise:

A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones. For instance, "Strengthening your relationship with your wife" is complex. "Developing a closer bond with 'Chewie', your dog" (probably) isn't. For now, choose 'Chewie'. Post these plans into your recovery thread.

Note that your goal here is not to map out perfection. You only need to map out the next few steps in the developmental process of strengthening and/or maintaining this value (if it is already at full strength).


9 Friendship - (I think this also works for Family)

[*]I will keep lists of friends I want to see to help me organise to see them without bingeing
[*]I will call close friends at least once a month - texting is a way not to communicate
[*]I will keep in touch with old friends as well as new and immediate ones - this takes more effort, but be sceptical of ease
[*]I will be realistic about when I can see people - don't promise too much just to please in the abstract
[*]I will make sure to be careful about peer pressure - maintain awareness of the boundary between you and others
[*]I will organise social events- trips to the theatre, poetry club, concerts etc - I will be proactive in this - it requires organistion
[*]I will also spring-clean my friends - don't waste energy on pointless relationships

10 Creativity

[*]I will organise my time each day for some form of creative endeavour
[*]I will play my guitar at least five times a week
[*]I will organise each day to do some creative writing - I want to instill this as part of my day - this may only be 15 mins, but the importance is momentum and consistency, not bingeing. IN this is tallies with recovery.
[*]I will not write on the computer (unless I am transcribing) - but will use my pad
[*]I will carry a notebook with me to make notes when they occur - keep the momentum going
[*]I will read as part of each day for fun as well as work
[*]I will go to concerts, galleries, plays - also new experiences to stimulate my creativity
[*]I will set some deadlines for myself - or goals to be reached
[*]I will choose a project and stick to it

16 Health

[*]I will go running at least twice a week - but aim for 3 or 4
[*]I will only drink at home at the weekend
[*]I will be careful about my alcohol intake when out
[*]I will watch my food carefully - eat healthy and not too much, will maintain awareness around comfort eating
[*]Education - I will learn about positive and useful exercises
[*]I will play tennis - sport and social life
[*]I will combine physical exercise and healthy thinking - perhaps some yoga and meditation stuff
[*]I will watch my posture
[*]I will try to walk into work
[*]If I work from home, I will make sure to go outside for at least a few minutes
[*]I will take regular breaks during the day from my computer
[*]I will try not to hit the keyboard so hard when I type
[*]I will make sure to drink lots of water


Last edited by Shaw72 on Sat Aug 20, 2011 9:35 am, edited 2 times in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Shaw Workshop Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 11:44 am 
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Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
Health Monitoring

1 Did I organise and use my time productively?
[*]Make lists.
[*]Plan ahead.
[*]Organise for tomorrow and next week.
[*]Get ahead of myself - especially in work.

OK. Some compulsive procrastination - and some chaotic planning. But just about muddled through ok. The riots here didnt help overly much. That threw me for a loop, and I didnt cope as well as I would like. There was that feeling of wishing my life away - get through the next day in one piece - rather than accepting the situation and creating plans to navigate a stable emotional path through it.


2 Did I ACTIVELY develop my relationship with my partner?
[*]Listen
[*]Talk.
[*]Develop physical and emotional intimacy.

On the plus side, some communication. I told her about some unhealthy internet scanning, moments of triggering, and a compulsive feeling on the bus that I moved to avoid and to create space to calm down. But these behaviours are not helping - to put it mildly. I must regain my focus and help rather than be the passive one requiring help all the time. I am trying to be supportive, but I guess that is my problem right now. Everything feels like an effort. I am aware of my compulsive fugs - and feel occasinoaly overwhelmed by them. I need to move, to exercise, to limit my time at the computer, and get some clarity of purpose and self-consicousness.

3 Did I use recent days to ACTIVELY engrain a lesson from RN into my life? What was it?
Did I use my everyday experience to connect to my values and action plans?
To grow and learn who I am and who I can be?

I have. The riots provided a lesson in trying to maintain focus, to be in the present, to live with a negative emotion, to place it in context and make healthy choices. I kept this awareness - brought myself back from distraction and retreat. Kept things simple and physical in the present. But I too often let myself drift into unhealthy areas. I did not act out - but I have been tempted to look at unhealthy images on the internet. this is an unstable time - both in London and my life. I need to be clear each day, and in each part of the day what my purpose is, and where my boundaries lie. I was at least open about my slip - I dont think it was a full relapse. And my action plan kicked in before I acted out. My stone helped me come into the present, I got up moved off and got real. Finished my work and calmed down. I have reviewed and realise I need to be more PROACIVE right now.

4 Did I engage in any compulsive behavior today?
If yes, did I maintain an awareness of the elements involved?
Did I create a break as soon as I became aware of that ritual?
Did I learn why and develop a plan to combat the feeling?

See above. I struggled with honesty. I could feel myself debating whether it was important enough to reveal. But I have to reveal this stuff. I have to see myself, my present my choices in all their gritty reality. If I dont I will be temped to varnish my character as I have done in the past - to cut off the ugly parts to fool myself about my actual situation. Honesty means reality - and vice versa.

But my desire to divulge and be open helped ruin my wife's day - she is busy with her own stuff and needs to concentrate. this has to be a motivation over the next few days. To make sure she is ok. I need to be sensitive - most obviously by giving her nothing to worry about. But I must learn not to constantly place my needs before hers.

5 Was I ACTIVELY truthful in everything I shared with my wife today?
Did I commit a sin of omission?
Would I be happy if she saw everything I did today?
Did I make amends and use it as a chance to learn?

I was. I told her about the compulsive ritual ysterday, and also about some triggering stuff. I have been ok but shaky of late. I need to ground myself right now. Attain clear focus - engrain those values and express them with my every decisino. Remember too - that addiction is just perception. There is no need here. Just the unhealthy and incorrect perception of need.

6 Did I take time to do something creative for the sake of being creative today?
Write or learn the guitar?

A little guitar. A little writing.

7 Did I take some time to sit quietly and peacefully, away from distractions, noise, and consider my life?

Little snaps during the day. Better at leaving off the walkman. Peace is one of the central points of my life. That brings together awareness, focus, reality and clarity.

8 How would I describe my overall emotional balance and stability at the moment?

Bad week. Some out of my control, but most of it in my control. I have to being to understand that life is in my control, even when events are beyond me. I set out the rules for a healthy life. I can follow them.

9 Did I bullshit myself today?

A little. The debate over honesty. I procrastinated a little at work, but time to get back. The journal helps.

10 Peer pressure?
Did I learn to see my friends and colleagues in a positive and real light?
This is a signal of my emotional instability - note it.

Ok here. A little procrastination with chatting in the library.

11 Did you displace your sexual compulsions anywhere else this week?

Yes. Proacrastination and surfing on the internet.

12. HAVE I BEEN PASSIVE?

Yes,. I didnt take rapid enough action yesterday- Sunday. I need to be more planned right now.

13 Looking ahead to tomorrow, are there any significant events that I need to prepare for, so that I am not caught off guard?
Develop awareness?

Work - pitching means stress also some extra time. I need to be clear how to male the best of my time right now.

I will work on action plans around:

Time
Attention
Awareness
The computer
Working at home
Being alone

Some of these are values, but some are situations that need to be addressed right now.


Last edited by Shaw72 on Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:31 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: VALUES
PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:05 pm 
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Recovery Mentor

Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
Universal Values

Honesty
Integrity
Love
Self-respect
Time
Intimacy
Health
Communication
Listening
Creativity
Enthusiasm
Good humour

Practical Values

1 Honesty and Transparency/Authenticity and Integrity - not just telling the truth about lapses, but being honest with myself about the dark side of my self - not pretending that everything is ok. A problem acknowledged is a problem ready to be solved. Clarity - seeing life in all its complexity

2 Direct communication with the world - engage with the world, express myself clearly, live actively (eg enjoy experiences, friends, no hiding), unite personal and public worlds

3 Attention - learning how to focus my attention; to evade distraction and commit myself to one thing at a time; to advance my awareness and powers of recognitino

4 Developing my relationship with my wife - listening carefully, being honest, developing intimacy, living life actively together, developing sexual intimacy

5 Empathy and listening - learning to think about life from other people's points of view; learn new approaches; practising listening to facilitate engagement with the world

6 Family - developing my role as a son and brother - making those relationships as intimate as they can be, without imposing myself on them

7 Helping others and asking for help - not cutting myself off from others; not assuming I know the right answers; trusting others

8 Having fun - learning how to have healthy pleasure - organising my time to enjoy myself, take pressure off.

9 Friendship - enjoying my old friends, deepening our relationship, and being open to new people

10 Creativity - writing novel, playing guitar

11 Learning - using my life and reading to learn about myself and the world around me - practically as well as abstractly - to keep myself fresh and stimulated. Experiencing new things - culturally, sexually, socially, philosophically - to develop sense of self, keep life fresh and stimulating. To avoid getting stuck in a rut.

12 Using time profitably - getting the most out of each second; organising time to maximise achievement and minimise stress; part of empathy; puncuality as sign of respect for others, and self respect too. Activity and proactiveness - vital to taking control of my life. Passivity is the enemy. Awareness and recognition the weapons

13 Sense of humour - as survival tool - and way to see the world - also to have fun

14 Health - physical fitness - to feel and also to look good; to help facilitate my life. Also to promote a positve link between mind and body

15 Enthusiasm - I am at my best when I am enthused. I love life, I love my wife, my books, my writing etc etc. I want a life where I actively pursue these values and this desire to pursue them.


Last edited by Shaw72 on Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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 Post subject: Re: Shaw Workshop Thread
PostPosted: Mon Aug 15, 2011 12:49 pm 
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Joined: Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am
Posts: 1377
Can I just say, here and now, for my own benefit, that I am utterly tired of all this shit? I mean that weariness almost literally. I just feel too often like I am battling my way through parts of the day, that I drift off, and come to, sometimes not always sure what in god's name has been going through my mind.

I want to own my life, for a change. I know I can do this, and I know at the moment my head is not in the right place often enough. But I crave that clarity of purpose and self-knowledge, that recollection of when I have been invested, heart and soul, in a situation. I dont want this stuff that flies about my head sometimes. I just wanted to say that. I just want to remember that...

I dont want to hurt my wife, or anyone else. i want to be a good person, and lead as simple a life as I can. I dont want die thinking, I wish i had made more of all the chances I was given. i know I will probably think that anyway. But i definitely dont want my wife thinking that - about herself I mean. she is a bit special and needs a lift right now. You cna help with this. dont screw it up.


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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:49 am 
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Posts: 1377
Building my role as husband

[*]Learn about active forgiveness - apply lessons of the book - actively earn forgiveness
[*]Honesty - make your life transparent, both the good and the bad - don't pretend to be recovered
[*]Work actively to develop listening and empathy - get outside of your recovery to OUR recovery
[*]Make D a priority for time planning - eg get work finished to spend quality time, date night, days out
[*]Weekly talk - use this to raise concerns from the previous week and into the following week
[*]Support her visibly in her own projects
[*]Help around the house - be a bit tidier - don't dominate the space
[*]Give her space - sexually. But make plans around intimacy, sexual and romantic

Building my role as a son and brother

[*]Stay in touch with parents and brother more regularly - phone and visit
[*]Prepare an action plan for visits - especially around triggers like computer, rows, boredom and booze
[*]Don;t get into arguments in the belief that you will change their minds
[*]If you feel rising anger, make sure to take a break - don't be driven by rising emotion attached to feelings of inadequacy, neglect, abandonment, old grievances. Attach them to positive ones - honesty, yes, but also compassion, listening, empathy
[*]Keep an eye on the booze
[*]Make the most of each visit - realise that your parents are getting older and are not going to be around forever
[*]Maintain good humour - always a good path to take - spread enthusiasm


Last edited by Shaw72 on Sat Aug 20, 2011 9:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

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PostPosted: Tue Aug 16, 2011 6:52 am 
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Posts: 1377
Wrote this on the bus by the IMax

Stop waiting for your life to begin. It is up and running. Live it now, actively. Make the most of it, now. Realise that you might have four decades - or four months. What are you doing today? Right now? I don't want to hear you say: I was just getting started and it is all being taken away from me. I have so much to give etc etc. Give it now.


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