Recovery Nation

Exercise Six
Understanding the sexualized mind will go a long way in allowing you to better relate to what you are currently experiencing. The more objective insights and awareness that you develop, the stronger will be your ability to maintain confidence and control in your life. And, the faster it will be achieved.
A. If you have not already done so, consider reading the first half of He Danced Alone.
I started reading this but had to stop when it got to the part about the abuse Jon ( as an innocent small boy) endured at the hands of his father. I can't stand the thought of a child being hurt and the images have stayed with me.
B. Quite often, many sexual behaviors occur with such subtlety, such consistency and/or are so well disguised (through humor, anger, guilt, etc.) that it is not until you filter these behaviors through a net of sexual addiction when you realize that they are indeed woven from the same cloth. But the reality is, the majority of sexual addicts have positioned themselves within a cocoon of sexuality that is not related to their personality, but rather, their addiction. With this in mind, think of your partner's behavior over the course of your relationship. Describe the patterns that you suspect can be attributed to a sexualized mind.
When we were in h.s. most of his (ours) friends were girls. We all loved him because we thought he was "sensitive." He's always insisted that he got along better with girls and that it was innocent.
We wrote many very sexual notes back and forth in school but it took him a year to get around to sex with me.
He always longed to be alone.
I'll add more-there are so many...
C. Of the four areas discussed in this lesson, which have you observed in your partner?
Sexualized mind. I'm just now starting to realize how sexualized his mind, and his very existence, is.
Objectified mind. Ditto.
Immediate gratification.
All or nothing thinking. Definitely. In fact, this is a common theme with the men in his family.

Exercise Seven
A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:
I. Effective communication :
I've been sharing my concerns with him. Sometimes effectively, once in a while I break down and sob like a baby. Lately its been taking long, serious discussions in order for me to get to the core of any given problem.
II. Managing your partner's recovery
I'm guilty of this. I told him that I expected him to take recovery seriously and to work on his lessons at LEAST once a week. When I confronted him on the fact that he wasn't doing his lessons he insisted that he didn't have time. So, I told him to pick 2 evenings a week to do them. He did and having this little bit of organization has seemed to help him commit to doing his RN work. So, it turned out well in the long run but I probably shouldn't have done that for him. Often he can't seem to see the forest for the trees and a task as simple as setting aside a few hours seems debilitating for him. I really don't want to enable him, but I want to help him over the small obstacles when I can. Did I do the right thing? or did I shoot us in the foot?
III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health
I believe I'm empowering his/ our pursuit of health...in every area of our lives. No, I haven't always done this, but I'm doing it now. I told him last night (I was trying to be encouraging) that I'm proud of us for trying to get healthy in our physical, emotional, financial and even spiritual lives. It seems like biting off too much at once, but its easier to get all areas healthy at the same time than to focus solely on the addiction .
B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery?
I wasn't "offered" anything-I had to find it all. I made my health my priority and just did what I needed to. Our church didn't have many things to do so I found a new one. I didn't have any friends so I started attending the womens Bible study and, lo and behold, an old friend leads it and she's as excited to see me again as I am to see her. Hallelujah! Anyway, I will have to continue to make my own opportunities.
C. (optional) For those who have made the decision to either stay in the relationship or "wait and see", considering the roles discussed in this lesson (or additional roles that you have thought of), what changes might you consider making to your relationship that would increase its chances for success?
I'm focusing on myself more-not just my H and my kids. Its hard but I'm doing it.
Im no longer spending time with his (or my) toxic family members. If he won't stand up for me with his mother then I will walk out and let them deal with the embarrassment.
Add more.

Exercise 8
While this workshop is about rebuilding your life, you are nonetheless impacted by the ongoing behavior of your partner (unless you have completely broken away from the relationship). For those who continue to be impacted by their partner's behExercise Eight
avior:
A. Considering only objective signs of a healthy recovery/unhealthy recovery, what path do you think your partner is on? If on an unhealthy path, do you think this is due more to lack of insight about how to change, a lack of energy/motivation to change or a lack of desire to want to change?
At this point I think he is on a healthy path to recovery. I feel cautiously optimistic.
B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?
1.I'm realizing that he's immature in a lot of ways. He's sloooowly maturing in several aspects of his/our life: spiritually, financially-everything that was dormant in him before seems to be waking up.
2. I wish he would focus on me for a while. Make me feel loved and respected. I know this is too much to ask at this point.
3. I would really like him to make some amends. Again, I know I have to be patient and trust the process .

Exercise Nine
A. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is engaged in a healthy recovery?
-He recognizes that he doesn't deal with things in a mature way and that he needs to learn how.
-He's learning to manage his time so that important things (chiefly RN work) get done first.
-For a couple weeks now he has actively trying to find time to do RN lessons. He seems eager and he's doing it without reminders from me.
-He seems to be open and honest. No shifty-eyes.
-He's starting to have feelings that he thinks are abnormally strong. I told him they're normal but he's never allowed himself to feel a full range of emotion before.
-We have a boundary that he's not to use the internet @ work for anything but work. A while ago he wasted a bunch of time on it-he told me about it immediately and even looked up the consequence on his own. i.e. the next day he had to eat lunch some place that was no fun instead of going to his usual lunch spot. Unbeknownst to me, he took some lessons with him and did them while he ate a sandwich. So he not only accepted the consequence but he used it as a learning opportunity WITHOUT BEING ASKED!

B. What are the key signs that you have observed in your partner that lead you to believe that he/she is NOT engaged in a healthy recovery?
-He used to (as in just a couple wks ago) insist that he doesn't have time to do RN work.
-He was doing the bare minimum of recovery work.
C. How have you communicated your observations to your partner? Have you communicated the healthy observations as well as the unhealthy? How has your partner responded?
I point it out when I see that he's not managing his time well. I also sincerely praise him for the positive changes I see in him. I can tell he's working hard at changing every aspect of his life.

stage 2, lesson 1, ex10
A.
1. Being a consistently stable and healthy mom.
2. Consistent relationship with God.
3. Physical health.
I see from my answers above that I'm feeling VERY inconsistent right now in every part of my life. My emotions are up and down-though far better than they were at first-and my physical energy flags quickly due to the emotional fatigue. I would have a lot more to give my kids if I didn't have to deal with this stuff.

C.
1. Give my kids all that I have left over after dealing with this fiasco. -This is not cool and it pisses me off! I'm committed to doing what I reasonably can. My kids deserve the top 75% of my time and energy, not the dregs...yet that's what they'll be getting until Daddy and I get our shit together. SOOO sad.

2. Read the Bible every day even if Bible study's not in session. Pray every day. All day. Keep up a running dialogue with God. Do it even if my concentration isn't that great-remember that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made in spite of my faults. And so is my H.

3. Back to MyFitnessPal. Only one day off per week. Exercise, exercise, exercise. Pretend I'm doing it because I LOVE it-pretend its "ME" time.

D.
1. Snuggle. As long as they want-even if their bony little elbows and knees poke holes in me.

2. Get up in a.m. and have devotions immediately. Before anything else gets in the way.
Practice talking to God constantly. Post little reminders.

3. Tonight-WII Step and tomorrow too.

I have a much better handle on my values and what to do about them than I did the 1st time around. I feel like I'm getting myself back.

Exercise 11
I'm not re-writing the letters. Once was enough.

Ex 12
A.
Its hard to define what I'm feeling right now. I guess "lack of definition" IS what I'm feeling. Everything in my life is in flux and it feels like it. I'm energetic and productive one day and i feel tired and worthless the next day, or maybe even the next hour. I can even go for a week or two without a crisis and then get triggered and have a stretch of 2 or 3 bad days. I just try to accept myself the way I am right now and remember that this is not an indicator of who I really am as a person. I talk to my H about his addiction about once a week and I make an effort to treat him with compassion even if I'm not feeling especially compassionate. I've made it a priority to do things that I find fulfilling and I'm working on enjoying them without guilt.

B.
Patterns:

-his need to still be taken care of by his parents and their need to be taken care of by him. To an inappropriate level that damages all of us.
-His problems w/time management and time in general. Not sure what to do abt this. I'll think about creating a plan for it.
-His/our problems with money management. I need to make sure we write out a budget. Every time. When we budget we usually stick to it but if we don't write it down its like it doesn't exist. Apparently we're idiots.
-His minimizing. Plan: Encourage him to be 100% honest with both of us. Key word ENCOURAGE.
-Him becoming complacent when he's out of the frying pan. In regards to his job, our marriage, money, home projects, etc. Not sure what to do about this-maybe just work on recognising it and pointing it out.
-A pattern that is fairly new ( I think I've cycled through it once and am in the middle of it again) is fear, discomfort, disconnection during sex. We're doing it only a few times a month and I'm only doing it for the physical release. This is the consequence of his addiction that I resent the most. We've always had a fulfilling and dynamic love life (from my point of view) and I've always been connected to him in mind and body during sex. Now I analyze it too much and nothing comes naturally anymore. I'm scared (not a feeling conducive to love making) that I'll lose the ability to enjoy it altogether. I hate the fact that i have to rely on him for sex at all. That's rough for me because we've been together so long that my brain and my body have intense and automatic responses to him. I used to revel in that and now I despise it because everything seems filthy.
-guilt. I have to do the workshop and I have to have space to heal but I continue to feel guilty about not giving this time and energy to my kids instead. I feel like I'm doing everything halfway or maybe not even halfway.
-Yet another pattern: he screws up (not AO but small things that trigger me, like being home late because he lost track of time playing minesweeper at work) I get suspicious, he fesses up and I forgive and he promises it won't happen again. It won't, but something similar will. It helps to write these patterns out. I will continue to put boundaries and consequences on these small incidents because I just realized that they could lead up to AO as they have in the past. Sort of like "grooming" me and him to "let" acting out happen. I need to make sure I recognise these immediately and label them as grooming and point it out to him, too. Then I'll calmly enforce the consequence. This actually just happened the night before last. What a timely lesson!

Stage 2; Lesson 4, Ex 13 A/B

A. I tend to think I'm stupid and that I can't express myself well because he doesn't "hear" me. i try to say everything as concisely and quickly as possible before his attention span expires. It makes me feel like a blathering fool. A conversation takes time and he just hasn't had the time for a relationship AND an addiction. I assign this a 2.

- By always being the light-hearted, carefree, (i.e. irresponsible) funny one he's pushed me into the worrying, responsible stick-in-the-mud. Not fair, really, because I like to have fun and be funny too but not all of us get to live in Neverland. Thus, I feel and look old while he's just a large kid. 3

-Made me feel and appear crazy, histrionic, suspicious, negative. 1

-He put his job at risk. Thankfully I found out that he was using P @ work before anyone else did. 5

-Sense of insecurity ALL of the time. 1

-Fear of what effect this will have on our kids. 1

-I look @ other women and compare myself to them. This is new since D-day. I've always felt pretty good about myself until now. Of course, I never realized why I didn't like to hang around other women...could have something to do with it. 6

-I've used P w/him though I never needed it. I think I was trying to normalize his behavior. 10

-So much of my time, energy and youth has been wasted on this. 3

-I thought I had everything I needed in him. Now I'm nearing mid-life and I feel like I've just married a complete stranger that I don't really trust. 1

-I try to do everything perfectly, in fact, I try to be perfect in order to compensate. 6

-I analyse sex to death. Literally. I wonder which parts of sex are truly "mine" and which are only there due to the addiction. 1 That's pretty important to me.

-I'm having nightmares about being abandoned and about sexual predators. Seriously disturbing dreams. 3


-

stage 3; Lesson 1, Ex 14

(Healthy) Roles I intend to play in his recovery over the next month:

- I will try to be encouraging. Affirm his progress without engendering complacency.
-I will call bullshit when I see him trying to convince either of us of something that's not based on insight and values.
-I will encourage his desire to think positively and try to do so myself.
-I will pray for him/us.
-I will give him opportunities to earn my forgiveness.

-I will not spend time secretly investigating him. I will continue to ask him if something doesn't seem right and gauge the truth by his actions and by my instincts.

None. No one can damage my values without my help. I will fight fantasy with reality. I'll fight minimizing and dishonesty with truth. I will enforce my boundaries.

Porn viewing is the bottom line. I will separate from him. Everything else will be considered a violation of our contract and he will accept the consequences. I will not allow escalation, either. Meeting or chatting with one woman would never have been acceptable.

We are pretty good about giving/accepting praise from each other-its something we've practiced through our relationship.When he fesses up to a slip I'm able to give observations calmly. When When I have to approach him I'm not as calm. I cry.

The workshop has helped me clarify my needs. I let him know what I need and give him the chance to meet them. It makes me feel nurtured and makes him feel competent. I give him subtle little hints about what would please me so that he can come up with the idea "on his own."

I need us to have time to REALLY listen and respond to each other. I need him to be quiet, still, thoughtful and awake enough to participate.

Communication (see above) Money issues- that can be solved my budgeting if we'd just do it!

If I'm losing control of my own life then I'll know that I need to realign myself w/ God. I will increase prayer and devotion time. I will know that I need to reconnect w/my values-now I know what they are.

I think he's sincere in his recovery efforts. He's taking responsibility for actions, apologizing and recognizing when he's violating his own values. As for stability-he tends to be inconsistent so only time will tell.

Signs of imbalance/insincerity:
Loss of time. Unaccounted for time. Shifty-eyes. Defensiveness. Half-truths. Striving to get alone. Not working RN.

I need to remember to pray. Its the single most helpful thing yet I often forget.

Stage 3; Lesson 2, Ex 15 A,B,C

A.
-We recently started a new church that has fellowship/volunteering possibilities. i can't express how much this has already opened up my world. A very short time ago I felt irredeemably isolated. Now I feel hopeful for new friendships. I've even started attending a weekly women's Bible study.

-RN

-I've confided this issue to my aunt.

B.
-Books *
-Devotions*
-Prayer*
-Physical activity*
-gardening*
-Bible study class*
-art*
-attending community functions*
-volunteering @ church (once I get acquainted)
Wow! I have so many now! I never realized how isolating this addiction was. I thought "we" just didn't need other people. Now that I don't have to keep an eye on my H I have more to give other relationships. Go figure.

C.
I've always been a main pillar in my mother's support system,. I recognize that its not a healthy relationship. Its all one-sided, and not mine. She still expects me to support her and seems shocked that I've adopted a "not my problem" attitude. I see this pattern and will not perpetuate it with my kids.

Ex 16A 10 Core Values:
1. Raising my kids to be good, God-fearing, productive people.
2. Enjoying nature.
3.Relationship w/God.
4.Physical fitness./health.
6.Independence for myself and my kids.
7.Self sufficiency.
8.Trust
9.My marriage is one of my most important values. I've served it well-but it hasn't served me well.
10.Honesty

B. I can run every action I take in a crisis through the filter of these values.

Ex 17. A, B, C

A. Parenting. I believe I'm fulfilled as a parent. No, I'm not a perfect parent, but I'm the best parent for my kids. I'm committed to growing, learning and developing as they do.

Nature: I can spend more time in my garden now that cooler temps are approaching. My next step could be to spend tons of time outdoors even in winter. *gasp*

Relationship with God. I'm proud of the work I've done in this area recently. Just a couple months ago I thought I was too isolated to get out into the world again. Now that I've started a new church I'm in a Bible study once a week, plus I go to church once and attend classes 2X a week. I have lots of friends now. I just needed to put myself out there. I thank God that RN encourages us partners to seek out people.

Fitness/Health: I need to continue exercising/being concious of what I eat and when. I need to go down to just one day off of my diet a week instead of all weekend.

Emotional health: I'm working on this.
Independence: I'm doing better than the first time around. Now I'm working on getting closer to people while still holding onto my independence.

Selfsufficiency: I'm doing well on this one. Just recently I made corn and flour tortillas, granola, yogurt, salsa and hummus. Through the winter I want to learn more homesteading type skills.

Trust: I don't feel I can trust anyone right now. I think It will develop after I feel confident and safe again.
My marriage. Yeah, it hasn't served me well but I'll continue to work on it and do my part.

Honesty: I can keep being honest and hope/expect that others will too.

B. I can run every action I take during a crisis thru the filter of these values.

Ex. 18 A,B,C

A. Many yrs ago I had an affair w/a married man.The result: We ended the affair but it croke up his family. I'm left w/guilt I will take to my grave and I'm sure there are enduring repercussions for his wife and children. I can think of a million reasons and excuses but the fact is that it was a choice I made and it was VERY wrong.

B.I've chosen to remove myself from my brother's support system. My mother doesn't understand and I can feel that its a barrier between us, but its the best thing for my own family. Of course they're constantly trying to draw me back in so they can use me but I'm not going there.

C.The well-being of my children. I've compromised every other value in my life numerous times-but not this one.

Ex. 19 A
Rules: Parenting: 1. no one hurts my kids.
2.I don't allow them to hurt anyone else.
3. I take care of my own children but I will accept help graciously when offered.
4. I will do myself and the world a favor by teaching my children to be loving and thankful.

Nature:
1.I will teach my kids to appreciate, enjoy and care for nature.

Relationship to God:
1. I will continue to read the Word most days and complete all of my church classwork.
2. I will attend church as long as it fulfills my life.
3. I will pray more and more everyday.
4. God is loving and kind. Ask Him for help first.

Fitness/health:
1. If it goes in my moth then it goes on MyFitnessPal.com
2. Exercise most days.
3.Plan meals far in advance.
4. One day off of dieting a week. 2 days off of exercising.

Emotional health:
1.Do RN
2. Pray
3. Open up to others and try to trust them.

Independence:
1. Keep going to Bible study and joining classes as I find ones I like.

Self-sufficiency:
1. BUDGET!
2. Learn/research more skills. Perfect my tortillas.

Art:
1. Take time out to do it 2X a week at least.

Trust/honesty:
1. Be honest but unfailingly kind.
2. Expect the same from H and this honesty will eventually=trust.

Marriage:
1. He must actively work on being healthy in order to be with me.

EX B and C are the same as in my 1st thread.

stage 3, lesson 9, exercise 21:
1.a. My H will act out and view porn. I will recognize the subtle shifts in his personality and I will separate from him. Hopefully it will be a small infraction and I will only have to separate for a week or 2.
b. Now that football's here my H will go back to being ruled by his folks and I will have to firm up the boundaries there.
I'll add more as I think of them.
2. a. My brother will show up at my door and I'll have to ask him to stay away.
b. My H is still in the cycle of "far too busy to work on RN" so I'll need a very firm consequence for that.
c. I'll see that one of my kids was left alone in the Sunday School room again and I'll have to take the issue to the pastor.
d. My mom will say things about my dad (true things no doubt) I will recognize this as an unhealthy pattern in HER that I don't have to respond to. I don't have to make her problems my problems.
3. I realized that I often don't treat my Mom w/the respect she deserves. I'm trying daily to serve her while still protecting my own values.

Excercise 22
I did this one my first time through the lessons so I'm not going to do it again.

Exercise 24
A. 1
Stay and remain stuck in the "I'll do it, really/Idon't have time to do it/I thought everything was fine between us so I didn't have to do my Rn work" cycle.
Option 2. Stay and hold him to his promise of fully embracing recovery.
3. Stay until he's definitively convinced me that he's not going to commit to recovery and then leave.
4. Tell him to leave now and not have to screw with it anymore.
B. 1.
No benefits for me. The benefits for him are that he can keep stringing me along without putting effort into our relationship/health.
2. Benefits= maybe he actually recovers.
3. Stay until I've (finally) accepted that I can't count on him and then leave.
4. Benefits= only for me. I wouldn't be constantly lied to and let down by him. I could take a breather. In the long run I'd be devastated because I'm very much in love with my husband. I really wouldn't do this to my children unless he leaves me no choice.

C. 1. Obstacles: No obstacles other than stagnation and resentment.
2. This is what I'm doing as of right now. He's not accountable because of his own unwillingness-but there's nothing I can do about that. This is exhausting for me and bad for my health.
3. I will have wasted even more time on a relationship that he doesn't want enough to fix.
4. We would all be devastated. I won't do this but, man, every time he breaks another committment I consider it.

D. I've already chosen #2. No obstacles for anyone but me. I get the stress, exhaustion and health problems. He gets the marriage charade and the kids get to keep their dad.
E. 1. He can stay and recovery voluntarily and fully and put work into our relationship.
2. He can wait till I kick him out due to his chosing not to recover.
3. He can leave and not have to bother with recovery.
I think he will choose to stay and keep playing the "I don't have time for recovery" game until he's completely used me up. He's stuck to this pattern for 9 mos already so there's no reason to think he'll change it now. Sad.

Ex. 25
2. We would talk about it-sort of. Well, I would talk about it and he would smile and nod as if he agreed.
3. My blood pressure. We didn't really put much thought into it. We would just keep dealing with it in stupid ways like movie and snack binges.
4. I thought I knew when this was happening but now I see that I just tried to "fix" the problems with diet, time together, housework, whatever, but it never made any permanent difference. Mostly because he wasn't really participating in our life. Now I see things much more clearly and I'm changing what I can.

Stage 5 lesson 1
Ex. 29
A. Checking, albeit mild.
2. Pulling my hair out.
3. Stress to the point of sending my blood pressure sky-high.
A few times I compulsively checked up on him. I consciously made the decision to do so.
1. Suspicious, anxiety, fear.
2. It was strangely comforting because it was something I could DO.
I still felt suspicious afterward, but at least I had exhausted the "need" to check.