Recovery Nation

Hi. I have been in private coaching for some time now, and I feel it is time to start giving somethign back.
I have benefited greatly from being able to read other people's posts on this forum, and I will be resposting my private recovery thread here in the hope that soemone might benefit from reading it, if only by avoiding some of my mistakes.

I will be preserving posts and timelines as much as possible and if a post does contain any material that might be identifiable (names, places etc) I will attempt to modify it in a way thbat preserves the basic thrust of the original post.

The dates that I include in the headings are the dates that a reply was posted in my original thread, I have sometimes done a few lessons off line and posted them together, this date is the date of posting and not the date that I originally did the lesson.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

A. Three keys to establishing a successful foundation for permanent change in early recovery are:

1. Actively committing yourself to change
I have been following a passive recovery in SLAA and counseling. This has failed.
It failed because of my lack of commitment to WORK at recovery. Committing to change means committing to me. It means putting recovery first. It means actively pursuing recovery rather than just going through the motions.
Passive recovery has failed. Only by fully embracing active recovery can I hope to achieve my objective of a normal healthy addiction free life. I must commit to being honest with myself. Brutally honest. It means leaving nothing out and not allowing desires or preconceptions to influence my choices. Most of all it means devoting my time to reading, meetings and lessons. Recovery by deed, not words, is the top priority.

2. Not allowing guilt/shame to sabotage your commitment to change
Guilt and shame should be motivators. I long for a life free of guilt and shame.
Guilt & shame they have held me back.
Guilt and shame have prevented me from being honest about my addiction.
Guilt & shame feed my fear.
Guilt and shame have prevented me from honestly and fearlessly working toward recovery.
Guilt and shame, and the fear that they feed, have repeatedly prevented me from being honest with myself, my wife, my counselor, and my recovery group.

To prevent guilt or shame from sabotaging my recovery, I must not allow them to influence my thinking. I must not give in to the fear. I must approach each recovery task openly, without regard for what I or others might think of me. I must be honest including all elements of my addiction and all past behaviors.

I will feel guilt.
I will feel shame.

I will not allow those feelings prevent me from going about my recovery honestly and without fearing what others might think. My aim is to live a future free from guilt and shame, not to dwell on the guilt and shame of the past.

I must commit to expressing myself openly and honestly without fear of guilt or shame.

3. Allowing yourself time to change.
I will allow myself as much time as is NEEDED or make permanent change.
I must be extremely vigilant though in how I use time.
All time right now is recovery time.
While I cannot achieve permanent change overnight, I cannot either wait for change to happen.
I must actively seek out change.
Whether it is recovery nation lessons, SLAA meetings, counseling, relevant reading, contemplation and meditation, or self evaluation, I must tackle each task without undue delay, and while each task must be given the time that it requires for completion, I must not use the difficulty or length of a task as an excuse for prolonging it.

I procrastinate. I cannot afford to do so with recovery.
To stay in active recovery I must be constantly in motion.
Even a "gentleness break" between tasks should be constructive and timed appropriately.
I need to be especially aware of other "important things". Nothing is more important NOW than recovery. Anything that needlessly takes away time from recovery is delaying recovery.

I will give myself all the time I need to effect permanent change, but no more time than is genuinely needed.


B. Beyond an active commitment to change, another important factor in determining your ultimate success is your motivation. Look deep inside and list ten to fifteen reasons why you seek to permanently change your life.

1. Health - My physical health has suffered due to my addiction. Even while only in passive recovery for a few months, my long term blood pressure medication has been reduced. Imagine the impact full health can bring.
2. Sanity - My acting out reached a point where even in active addiction I was questioning my sanity. I fear for my sanity if I do not change.
3. Sexuality - The self abusive nature of my acting out caused confusion in my sexual orientation and preferences. I need to be whole and confident in my sexuality.
4. Family - If I am to have any future with my wife, who I love so much, I must change.
5. Family - I wan to be able to look my lovely wife and beautiful daughter in the eye and say "this is ALL of me".
6. Family - I cannot cause my wife and daughter any more pain. I can't stand being the cause of so much pain.
7. Family - I want to be CAPABLE of loving and caring for my loving wife as she deserves, and as I vowed so many years ago.
8. Time - I have deprived my family and friends of my time, and in doing so deprived myself of time with them. I want to enjoy time with those I care about.
9. Music - Playing my guitars was my passion which I have neglected for so long.
10. The World - Clouds, Flowers, Birds, there's a big world out there that I have not truly experienced for a long time. I want to reconnect with the beauty and wonder of the world.
11. Identity - I don’t; know who I am anymore. I need to find and know me.
12. Dignity - I have none and I treat others with none. I want to be able to hold my head up proudly and say this is me and to treat others as I will then expect to be treated.
13. Trust - I want to be able to trust myself. I want to be able to trust others (my addictive mind makes me view others motives in the same way that I view my own motives). I want others to be able to trust me.
14. Career - My addiction as impacted on my work. I want to be proud of my work and be the best that I can be.


C. Find a picture of yourself when you were a small child…

I don't have any childhood pictures readily available but I can see one clearly. MY father used to have a slide projector, and he would show all of the old family photographs at birthdays and other family occasions. As kids and teenagers we squirmed at our own, and laughed at the others. For some reason, I always hated one particular picture(in truth, I never liked any pictures of myself). but this particular picture stands out clearly in my mind.

I was 4 or maybe 5 when it was taken. Is was a summer photo taken on a beach where we used to holiday every year. I'm sitting in the sand, wearing orange and black "leopard print" swimming briefs. I'm smiling (unusual for me in a photo, even when I was a child). I can see that child me clearly. I can feel the sense of pure joy and wonder that he feels. As a child I loved exploring that beach. The wildlife in the rock pools, scrambling over rocks. The rocks all had names. Every rock had a distinct character. The rock pools were full of crabs, small shrimp all sorts of shell fish, star fish, anemones.
I recall that child. I remember the sheer joy he felt, netting rock shrimp, picking up a crab while avoiding it's pincers, or building a sand castle. He was a timid child, but could have a reckless streak around others. This was mostly bravado. He loved to observe "things", he would gaze at each new sight, spellbound watching a spider in a web, or the swaying path of cherry blossoms falling in the breeze in late spring.
That same child could play for hours with a handful of marbles. A few bits of colored glass became wandering knights, crusading through every room in the house.
Imagination. Wonder. Joy. Brought together in total innocence.

I first did this mental exercise a few days ago. I wept then, uncontrollably, for the child I had lost. As I started thinking of him, I thought of that active, wonderfully creative, imagination, often sparked through being alone. Being alone that became frequent loneliness and isolation. Loneliness in a crowd of parent, relations and siblings with little time for the child. Loving, but strict and highly religious parents, who were also very conscious of their social status.
I remembered then the parable of the I Am" elf, lost to duty and responsibility in a human world. I too lost my sense of wonder, of joy in the world. I took that innocent imagination, that wonderful gift, and turned it to selfish unhealthy pursuits.

That child did not "become lost".

I LOST HIM!

He is somewhere, lonely and scared, waiting for me to bring him home.

Reading back over that last sentence, I weep again. And again.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

C. Write out your vision. Use any format you would like. As a general rule, the more personal, the better.

In examining the values and goals that form my vision, I find them affecting 3 broad areas of my life.
- My relationship with my self
- My relationships with others
- My activities and pursuits

My Relationship With My Self:

I want to (re)connect with my Self in a way that is healthy.
My ultimate goal in doing so is to achieve a sense of wholeness, of being at one with my Self: serenity and balance in all areas of my being. This will require the development of a number of skills.

I will develop patience: an understanding and appreciation of achievement and fulfilment in its own time. I will be willing to defer gratification.

I will learn how to stand back and savour precious moments, to experience life at its own pace: to enjoy each sip from the cup of life, rather than trying to swallow the entire contents in one gulp.

I will develop my sense of wonder and joy in the world. To do so I need to take time out in my life. I will learn to slow down and truly experience the world.

I see the sun set every day. My goal is to see the sunset every day.

I will seek out and release the child that I once was who saw wonder and magic in the most ordinary things. I will rediscover and develop my sense of innocence that this child I once was possessed in abundance. I cannot turn back time and become innocent; however I can learn to partake in innocent activities.

I will have fun: simple fun. Innocent fun: a jigsaw puzzle, a board game, a walk in the park, making a snow angel. I will develop an appreciation for simplicity. Innocence is simple and uncomplicated. So too can I be.

Love is the single greatest value that I can hope to hold and grow: to truly love myself and others in a deep and meaningful way. If I can accomplish this, and no more, in my “forever”, then I will be content. Paradoxically, to achieve this, I will have to achieve and develop all of my other goals and values. In order to learn to love myself, I need to develop true honesty with myself. I will work to deal honestly with myself in all things.

In learning to love myself I must also learn to care for myself: learn to truly value and appreciate my health. Simple, yet sometimes so difficult, practical things: better diet, exercise, better habits (e.g. I must stop smoking).

My Relationship With Others:

I will become a better husband. To do so I will learn to develop and understand genuine intimacy.
I will learn to be open and honest in all areas of my relationship with my wife. I will not fear consequence or spare her or me pain at the cost of honesty.

I will be present in mind as well as physically. I will be truly available to her, and our needs.

I will develop my communication skills, to enable me to see, hear and feel her needs and desires, and to communicate my needs and desires effectively.

I will be proactive in how I care for her, and in how I care for our relationship. I will strive to grow and enhance the bond that brought us together.

Materially I will provide for her needs. I will provide a safe home in which we can continue to grow together in intimacy. I will care in what ways I can for her physical well being.

As the father of a daughter just entering adulthood, I will develop my changing role in her life.

I will be available and loving, and tolerant and supportive in her life choices. I will advise (when asked) not criticize.

I will treat others in my life with respect and dignity. I will learn to appreciate them for who they are.

I will be open, honest and caring to those for whom I profess to hold affection and friendship.

A key skill that I must develop is the ability to express myself: to express my true feelings and emotions. I will communicate, not simply talk.

I will learn to trust those that I know are, or believe may be trustworthy. I will overcome the fear that trusting brings to me. I will learn to share without burdening, and to accept help freely offered.

My Activities and Pursuits:

To live a full life I will participate in activities that are healthy and nourish my relationship with myself and others.

I will develop my musical skills. I will reconnect with the emotional expression that playing music brings, both my emotional connection with myself, and the connection with an audience (one or many it makes no difference). Music is a powerful tool for communicating and experiencing emotion, and I have the technical skills to do so, once I rebuild the emotional connection with the music.

I will establish a better connection and appreciation for the world around me. I will stop to observe and appreciate the many “everyday” wonders of this world.

I will develop my cooking skills. I enjoy cooking but find little time to do so. I will find the time to experiment in the kitchen, and develop my culinary ability.

In my career, I will strive to be honest and diligent and to work with integrity at all times. I will try to find purpose in how I earn a living.

Summary:

In defining my vision, I ultimately seek to become a better person, a good, useful human being. I want to live a full and meaningful life, and to know companionship and love throughout it.

My epitaph will be simply: “He lived well”.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

B. On your computer, extract the values from the vision you have created and list them.

My Value List
1. Personal Serenity – To be at peace with myself
2. Personal Balance – To feel centered and able to deal with life
3. Patience
4. Self Understanding
5. Self Appreciation
6. Develop my self esteem
7. Develop a greater appreciation of life in its totality
8. Experience Wonder & Joy in life
9. Experience Innocence through play
10. Learn to have fun
11. Enjoy simplicity
12. Love myself for who I am
13. Self Honesty
14. Self Care
15. Diet
16. Exercise
17. Habits
18. Love my wife
19. Be a good Husband
20. Be open with my wife
21. Be honest with my wife
22. Be Present in my wife’s life
23. Be available to my wife
24. Improve communication with my wife
25. Understand my wife’s needs
26. Communicate my needs to my wife
27. Be proactive in my care for my wife
28. Provide for my wife’s emotional needs
29. Be a good material provider
30. Love my daughter
31. Be a good father
32. Be available to my daughter
33. Be loving towards my daughter
34. Be tolerant toward my daughter’s life choices and actions
35. Be supportive of my daughter’s life choices
36. Be a good advisor to my daughter, when asked for it
37. Respect my family
38. Earn my family’s respect
39. Treat family members with dignity
40. Respect my friends
41. Earn my friends’ respect
42. Treat friends with dignity
43. Be honest with others
44. Be more caring towards others
45. Express myself considerately
46. Express my feelings better
47. Develop better trust in others
48. Improve my emotional expression
49. Experience my emotions honestly
50. Develop my musical skills
51. Develop my musical appreciation
52. Improve my connection with the world
53. Observe the world around me
54. Be conscious of my immediate environment
55. Be accountable for my actions
56. Generosity
57. Empathy for others
58. Morality (as defined by my other values)

Consider the 'dark side' of your decision-making. The compulsive behavior. The sexual behavior. Take some time to extract the values that went into those behaviors, and list themas well.

The Dark Side

1. Selfishness
2. Dishonesty
3. Self Indulgence
4. Defective Thinking
5. Lack of values
6. Impulsiveness
7. Immediate Gratification
8. Self Loathing
9. Lack of self dignity
10. Lack of self respect
11. Abusiveness (towards myself)
12. Lack of Accountability
13. Self Destruction
14. Amorality

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

A. In the previous exercise, you identified a list of the majority of your practical and universal values. Now, prioritize this list.

1. Self Honesty
2. Patience
3. Love myself for who I am
4. Self Care
5. Be honest with my wife
6. Improve my emotional expression
7. Improve communication with my wife
8. Develop a greater appreciation of life in its totality
9. Personal Serenity – To be at peace with myself
10. Experience my emotions honestly
11. Be accountable for my actions
12. Be loving towards my daughter
13. Be Present in my wife’s life
14. Be supportive of my daughter’s life choices
15. Be proactive in my care for my wife
16. Be conscious of my immediate environment
17. Communicate my needs to my wife
18. Be honest with others
19. Develop my self esteem
20. Be open with my wife
21. Develop my musical appreciation
22. Self Understanding
23. Self Appreciation
24. Personal Balance – To feel centered and able to deal with life
25. Treat friends with dignity
26. Improve my connection with the world
27. Experience Wonder & Joy in life
28. Experience Innocence through play
29. Express my feelings better
30. Enjoy simplicity
31. Treat family members with dignity
32. Respect my family
33. Earn my family’s respect
34. Respect my friends
35. Earn my friends’ respect
36. Love my wife
37. Be a good Husband
38. Love my daughter
39. Be a good father
40. Be available to my wife
41. Understand my wife’s needs
42. Provide for my wife’s emotional needs
43. Generosity
44. Learn to have fun
45. Empathy for others
46. Be a good material provider
47. Be available to my daughter
48. Be tolerant toward my daughter’s life choices and actions
49. Be a good advisor to my daughter, when asked for it
50. Habits
51. Be more caring towards others
52. Express myself considerately
53. Develop better trust in others
54. Develop my musical skills
55. Observe the world around me
56. Morality (as defined by my other values)
57. Diet
58. Exercise

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Completing Lesson 4 I experienced pangs of guilt. I felt that my priorities were almost selfish in the way they worked out. On thinking about it, I see that by prioritizing in favour of priorities that are “selfish” (i.e. are directed inward towards me) I will give myself the ability to achieve values that are directed outward (i.e. towards others). For example, “Improve my emotional expression” must take priority over improving communication with my wife, for without the ability to express myself and express my emotions, how can I hope to effectively communicate them to her? That’s not to say that I must “master” one value or aspiration before moving on to the next one, merely that I can see how many of the “lower” values flow from the higher level ones.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

D. Take the top fifteen values that you have currently listed and post them in your Recovery Thread.

My Top 15 Prioritised Values

1. Be Honest with Myself
2. Learn Patience with myself and others
3. Self Care, take better physical care of myself
4. Improve my emotional expression
5. Improve communication with my wife
6. Be open with my wife
7. Personal Serenity – To be at peace with myself
8. Experience my emotions honestly
9. Be honest with others
10. Develop my musical skills
11. Be accountable for my actions
12. Be loving towards my daughter
13. Be Present in my wife’s life
14. Experience Innocence through play
15. Be supportive of my daughter’s life choices

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

A. Of the top fifteen values on your Prioritized Values List, develop Proactive Action Plans for two or three of the more simple ones.

1. Develop my musical skills
• Practice for 30 minutes daily, more on weekends
• Learn 2 new songs per week
• Write 1 new arrangement/interpretation per week
• Learn 1 new technique per week (not master, just begin the process and add it to the practice routines)
• Buy a cheap mandolin and relearn the basics
• Learn to play the harmonica to improve musical arrangements
• Start writing again
• Set up basic recording facilities
• Video practice to help analyze technique

2. Experience innocence through play
• Do a jigsaw with S___ regularly.
• Play board games regularly
• Build that model spitfire and then get more
• Join S___ in coloring and sometimes initiate it rather than always waiting for her to ask
• Be childish once in a while

3. Self Care, take better physical care of myself
• Go to the gym 2-3 times per week
• Walk to and from the office every day (weather permitting)
• Go to bed by 11 on “school nights”
• Eat better
--- Take a proper lunch in to work every day rather than buying processed stuff
--- Have fruit for breakfast instead of stodgy breads or fried foods
--- Eat a healthy dinner
--- Enjoy occasional exceptions & treats
• Keep caffeine consumption down, normal limit 1 spoon regular instant coffee per day, drink decaf if I want any more coffee
• Quit smoking (this is the big one)

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Take the next week (start today) to develop initial action plans for the remaining 'top priority' values.

1. Be Honest with Myself

--- Reflect daily on my thoughts and actions and assess them rigorously. Where I have fallen down in behavior that I aspire to, admit it to myself.
--- Listen to my instincts, and evaluate them. Where the instinct appears flawed or otherwise not in keeping with my values, accept and be aware of this.
--- Accept compliments or praise when I know they are deserved.
--- Accept honest criticism and where appropraite, act on it.
--- Accept responsibility for my actions, where I am at fault promptly admit it to myself.
--- Open myself to my emotions. Not necessarily to act on them, simply honestly feel them.

2. Learn Patience with myself and others

Myself:
--- Take the time to enjoy the journey, whether it is the 10 minute walk to work, recovery, or the rest of my life.
--- Alternate my reading. Every second or third book should be a classic that requires slower reading and more attention to detail than my usual genres.
--- Reduce my multi tasking. Take one thing at a time (when possible) and focus on the task at hand rather than the next three.
--- Learn something new. Don’t dive in, whatever it is, take it step by step.
--- Stop to appreciate the world around me.
--- Take the time to do tasks well rather than quickly

Others:
--- Learn to listen, without interrupting
--- Consider my responses and their potential effect on others
--- Accept that others do not think like I do
--- Accept that others may not connect with academic reasoning, be ready to explain things on their terms.
--- Accept that I do not hold a monopoly on wisdom, someone else just might be right
--- Avoid irrelevant arguments, they’re just not worth it
--- Accept that others are not perfect, someone being 5 minutes late is not a deliberate slight on me.

3. Improve my emotional expression

--- Feel! Just feel! Until I can sit with my emotions I can’t hope to express them
--- Write. Record my feelings, to get used to forming them into words.
--- Talk. Speak to others about my feeling and emotions. Talk to S___, our counselor, my group, my friends and family.
--- Express. Laugh, Cry, Smile. Give up the mask that I have worn for so long.
--- Allow myself to experience my surroundings and the emotions that might raise.
--- Moderate my sense of humour. I have often used jokes as a way of avoiding feelings.

4 & 5. Improve communication with my wife/Be open with my wife

--- Ask her how she is feeling, how she is coping and LISTEN to her responses.
--- Tell her how I am feeling; share my hopes and fears with her
--- Volunteer information. Do not wait to be asked about something before speaking.
--- Use the lessons I have learnt on communication skills to be attentive and really hear what she says.
--- Learn to express my thoughts, I have difficulty sometimes converting thoughts and emotions to words; she needs the words to understand where I am at
--- Tell S__ how much she means to me often. Use recent examples (I really enjoyed our day out etc) to affirm this.

6. Personal Serenity – To be at peace with myself

--- Find a way to forgive myself. I cannot be at peace until I can let the past go.
--- Meditation. Take a small amount of time each for reflection, to let go of the world and look inward.
--- Take time to appreciate nature, to stop and look at the sunset, a flower, a cloud, a tree, a swan. Whatever it is, stop and take it in.
--- Live in the now. I do not have to spend every waking moment anticipating future events.
--- Take time every day, assuming he's willing, to stroke our cat. Apart from it being good for him to affirm the bond, it is very relaxing.

7. Experience my emotions honestly

--- This requires the same actions as 3. I may have to consider if these should be combined.

8. Be honest with others

--- Don’t lie. OK her bum will never look big in anything but I know what I mean.
--- Be honest in my work. Give my full attention to the job I am paid to do and approach each task honestly.
--- Say No! If I don’t want to do something, or I am uncomfortable with doing something, say No.
--- It’s ok not to know everything. Admitting a lack of knowledge about something is no shame, passing up the opportunity to learn something new is.

9. Be accountable for my actions

--- Accept that I will not do everything right first time and be prepared to accept responsibility.
--- When I do wrong, admit it at the first opportunity and try to make amends. Do not wait for someone else to poit out my mistakes.
--- Think before I act, it’s easier to be accountable before the deed than after.


10. Be loving towards my daughter

My daughter, age 19, lives 4,000 miles away, so contact is limited but even so:
--- Listen to her on the phone, she prattles on sometimes but it is important for her that I show an interest in her life (important for me too).
--- Send her an email at least once a week, it doesn’t have to be long, just a way for her to know that I think about her.
--- Be supportive to her. Yes she will make what I consider to be poor choices, but I was young once and I survived.
--- Try to give good advice (when asked). Advice that will be good for her, not what I think I should say as a parent.

11. Be Present in my wife’s life

--- Communicate. Talk to S__ about the little things as well as the big ones.
--- Listen and let her know that I am listening.
--- Share my thoughts and feelings, don’t wait to be asked
--- Take her hand when we’re walking, touch her arm as we pass each other in the doorway.
--- Be emotionally present when we are being intimate. Do not let my mind wander, stay with her in the moment.
--- Play her a song. I practice playing regularly but don’t share it often.
--- Give her small gifts, a beanie, small chocolate treats
--- Take the lead some times when we go out, rather than prevaricating and forcing her to make the decisions.
--- Be demonstrative. What I know is not enough, it’s what she sees that counts.
--- Brush her hair regularly (S__ likes this). Same goes for neck rubs.
--- Keep the flowers on the living room table fresh.

12. Be supportive of my daughter’s life choices

This links in with 10.
--- Listen to her
--- Be happy for her I may not approve of her choices but as long as she is safe and happy that’s enough.
--- Money & career is not everything, let her be happy.
--- Let her make her own mistakes, offer to help but do not interfere.
--- Let her be the person she will be, and love her for it
--- Let her know that I will love her no matter what
--- Let her know that I will always be there for her if she needs me

This was tough. I think I could spend the next 6 months working on this but I am posting what I have for now. I will revise as new actions come to mind.

27 Feb: EDIT a few additional actions added.

_________________
"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

I. Consider those lies that are still being perpetuated in your life

I have given up on lying, it always ends up causing more pain. Yes there are many people who do not know the whole truth about me, and never will. I choose not to answer certain questions. from those people rather than lying. I know. W__ knows. (See edit on II below). My counsellor (current and previous knows). Some members of my group know. A good friend knows some but not all.

Actually, when the final truths came out (under duress) I realised, with help, that my recovery up to that point had been predicated on a lie. I attended a group meeting every day for a week, and opened each share by apologising to the group for deceiving them and not being trully present and honest. That was extremely painful to do, but worthwhile as I think it provided me with a fresh starting point.

If you are involved in a partnership, choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving them in certain areas.

No. I took that road originally in my recovery and it led to even more pain and was a major setback in our attempts to build a new relationship. I thank whatever power there is in the universe every day that it was not a fatal blow. I try to be more than honest, I am trying to be open with W__, volunteer information about my thoughts and feelings, which is something I never did in the past. I still find it difficult at times to show vulnerability but I know this is essential for my own healing, for her healing, and for our efforts to build intimacy. Even more that with my group, the pain of that final truth and the extended damage it has caused live with me daily.

EDIT: I may have though that W__ knows all, however she does not believe that to be the case and that is my fault. I need to give her a full disclosure, not as I did before, where the full truth only came out after it was clear that she knew I was hiding things, and had to draw things out by questioning me. I also tried to present it in a way that was minimising, and making excuses. This I know is not good enough, I need to provide her with the unadorned facts.

If you are involved in professional coaching (or outside counseling), choose now whether or not you intend to continue deceiving those whom you are working with.

No. As with W__, I orignally concealed information from my counsellor and it cost me both financially in terms of having to attend anouther term of sessions, and obviously cost me in terms of my recovery.

IV. Make a list of all the places where you have items stashed for sexually compulsive behavior.

None. I have no unsupervised access to a computer or the Internet. I have no clothing or items associated with acting out stashed or otherwise in my possession.

V. Make a list of all the people that you use as compulsive sexual and/or romantic object. Post this in your thread.

Strangers in Internet Chat Rooms
Models from Pornography Photos & Videos
A Prostitute
Waitress on hoiday
Fantasy contructs, people that I invented in my own mind.

VI. Make a list of all the places where you go to act out your sexually/romantically compulsive behavior.

Home - Masturbation, Cross Dressing, Phone
Internet - Chat Rooms, IM, Porn, Masturbation
Hotel rooms when I was away on business - Masturbation
Red Light District - A Prostitute - On one single occasion; this was a major escalation and happened shortly before I started into recovery.
Commuter Train
On the street up the road from our home, kissed someone once

EDIT: Added in thoughts on I-III
EDIT 2: Additional info in II
EDIT 3: Additional info in VI

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Thanks Coach Cheryl.

I have assumed that I will be revisiting and revising the action plans on a regular basis. I think I see what you mean by actions versus thoughts, I will bear it in mind when revisiting these.

On adding the reponses to Lesson 10 I-III.
I was sitting here typing "I. No II. No III. No." and thinking what more is there to say?
Then I guess the slow realisation dawned that if it is helpful for the coaches to know where I am coming from, then knowing the truth behind the "Nos" might help. I dunno if it helps the coaches, but it helps me to have it written down, it's one less thing festering inside. One of the things I struggle a lot with is having "more to say" and it issomethign I am trying to improve on and learn to express myself more fully.

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

Sorry CoachCheryl I haven't been online in the last few days.

Yes we finally had this converstation yesterday evening.

It was hard to prepare for, as I have a lot of difficulty in isolating events and timelines, a lot of my active addiction over the past number of years blurs into one long nightmare. Having said that, I also did not give the preparation the full focus and priority that W__ deserved, which resulted in me delaying and her eventually having to ask again when and if I was willing to do this, which led to a difficult and painful conversation in itself, and I have to accept full blame for prolonging her trepidation and fear of what she might hear, and the pain that that caused.

The conversation itself was extremely difficult and painful for both of us, I spoke for a couple of hours, allowing W__ to ask questions along the way and make comments where she thought appropriate. I detailled each aspect of my behaviour, from its beginnings in my teens up to the present day. Where I could isolate events, I gave them, for the most part I was only able to provide a rough timeline and estimates of frequency and number of occurances of different events. I tried to avoid minimising or rationalising, although I did need to explain some things in relation to my mindset for various behaviors and how/why they escalated in particular ways. I had to break a couple of times, it was so hard to present myself in this way, even though she was already aware of most of what I was saying at some level. I also know it was incredibly painful and challenging for her to hear it. I felt competely drained and exhausted last night, and I think W__ felt the same way, but hopefully the pain of last night will recede for both of us, but the benefits that will come from it will linger.

I believe W__ is satisfied with what I presented, in the sense that it can hopefully provide a completeness and starting point for moving forward for herself and for us. Today (D-Day+1)was a nice relaxing Sunday at home, and I feel a newer sense of closeness and ease (no dramatic changes just how our space feels to me) that was missing up to now that I hope we can build on over time.

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd

I have failed. Utterly.

I allowed fear, fear of guilt, shame and consequences to prevent me from making a full disclosure. I witheld information, critical information, that came to light last Friday. I deferred the pain by a week, 1 lousy week, and made the eventual pain for W__ worse, and also hurt our relationship far more than a clean disclosure would have done.

Fear has been a driver for so long and I'm having real difficulty in breaking it down. I know the theory, I understand the reasons, but I freeze. Not just disclosure, but in every area of my life, home, work family, associates. I need to tackle this legacy of fear that is still ruining our lives. Our counsellor was helpful this week, but I have a lot more work to do to break free of this.

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"..And be a simple kind of man, Be something you can love and understand" - Lynyrd Skynyrd