Recovery Nation

In spite of my last assertion that i would be here daily until i finished the lessons, i promptly left town for two weeks without private internet - both a blessing and a curse - so i have not been on for a couple of weeks.
The reason i am posting is to ask for help and advice. After nearly 5 flawless months of what i have felt was real recovery, i am slowly slipping back to my shady, stupid ways, and i have to stop it NOW. It is the same stupid crap that has killed my so many times in the past. I dont want to be guilty of looking at porn, but i find other ways to get aroused (thinking about it, unnessary "innocent"image searches, looking at or for each newsstand i pass to see what the covers of the magazines are, etc.)
Same with masturbation. I dont want the guilt, so i have started several times, but didnt finish - so i didnt really do it, right? All complete bullcrap.
When i am healthy, i dont even want any of that crap. I am happy with life as it is, come what may. When/if i run across something scintillating, i instinctively get away as fast as i can, its easy. However, in this mode, it is the opposite. I am looking for excitement everywhere. It is not good.
So my question, and perhaps i already know the answer: HOW DO I STOP MID CYCLE?
My ritual is stupid-long. In fact, an actual binge really is so terrible that my cycle truly ends, every time, for weeks or months. In that sense, sometimes i wonder if i would be better off just binging and getting it over with rather than weeks or more sniffing around the edges.
But back to my main problem - i honestly dont know how i planted the seed this time, it could have been as insignificant as a momentary glance at someone weeks ago, but at some point, my gut rumbled and i knew that something had been planted, and it was going to come back with a vengence later, and repeatedly. I just dont know how to end this thing and get back to where i was permanently now, without completing the cycle which i am determined not to do. Its bad enough already.
Btw, i dont give a rip if this is considered a slip or a relapse, i dont even understand why all the talk about the supposed difference, but perhaps that is a discussion for another day.
thanks so much in advance for any insights...
(not-so)semperfi

First off I just want to make a distinction between someone who occasionally acts on sexual selfishness and a sex addict. Its really in the realm of a therapist to help you judge if you are either but my definition is that a sex addict tries to stop and simply cannot without psychological intervention (such as doing the lessons in RN). I am going to assume you are a sex addict for this response.


I heard someone once say "the problems with sex addicts is that they think sex is their problem". Do you see the wisdom with that statement? Sobriety, although needed in recovery, is not the end goal. Recovery is about learning to live in a different manor, changing not just the sexual rituals but trying to figure out what it is that you are running away from.

Acting out for an addict is about medicating. What are you medicating? Feelings, emotions. It can be stress, boredom, hell, it can be happiness. Your acting out is a distraction from living life, good or bad. When you go months without acting out, that is not an indication of recovery, it just means you are not acting out.

Real recovery is about learning to feel. Its about accepting that you have urges, temptations, agitations, etc. Its OK to feel those things. You need to learn to feel them, let them in, then let them go. Why do you let them go? Because there is a bunch more feelings through out that day to feel - waiting their turn. This is living in the "now".

When you do the lessons, note how they are designed around tapping into what you are feeling. And the later lessons really start that process of brain rewiring, actually physically altering the pathways between the neurons.

The above is just a part of the recovery process. Hope that little bit helps.

Soldier on! from a fellow vet.

I'm all over it! Thanks for your wise words, HoneyCat. Well spoken and apropos. I have been exploring exactly that (as is chronicled in another forum post) and I think it is very important for me personally, to figure out what inhibits me from feeling and enjoying the good stuff in life. I feel perpetually steeled against coming blows (which really don't come all that often), but hard pressed to exult as I should in all the goodness and blessings in my life. I'll keep at it though.
Much appreciated!
Semperfi