Recovery Nation

I’ve been diagnosed with have Borderline Personality Disorder and I’m really having problems battling anger, frustration, and feeling controlled. I can go for a couple of weeks and keep my emotions under control and then end up in conflict with my wife. In trying to rebuild my wife’s trust, which right now is about zero, we have boundaries set in place. I don’t watch TV, don’t surf around the Internet – only recovery and financial work - my wife researches anything else for me, and I have any risky advertisements removed for mail/magazines/newspapers before I read them.

I haven’t had an incident of where I’ve triggered or objectified someone/something for a few months now. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t seen someone or something in that period of time. That’s unrealistic unless I was living in a cave. But the controlling my emotions is something I'm having real diffuculty with. During that period of time I’ve probably minimized or omitted something to avoid getting into a big argument over what I’ve seen/not seen as to what my wife thinks I’ve seen/not seen.

But there are other times that I haven’t been aware of something where she thinks that I was aware and didn’t disclose, i.e. lied/omitted/deceived and that’s when I tend to lose control of my emotions and it ends up in a argument. Maybe that’s when the feeling controlled rears its ugly head even though I’m in agreement with the boundaries and adhere to them most of the time without any problems. Or maybe with my emotional immaturity I just haven’t learned to handle conflict very well. Could be a whole host of things that I’m not even aware of yet.

I was wondering if anyone else have had these same types of issues while in early recovery.

Oak

There seems to be a whole lot of focus on abstinence and no mention of health. I understand your wife is probably devastated by what you've done, but the reality of the situation is that you're going to have to develop personal accountability for there to be long term recovery. In other words, she can't censor the world for you, at some point you're going to have to get yourself to the point where you can encounter a trigger and deal with it on your own. By putting a blindfold on you she's just ensuring that when you do encounter a trigger that it's all the more powerful and more likely to cause a relapse.

Recovery nation has always been focused on health. Instead of trying to white knuckle through another day it's about developing values and improving your overall mental and physical health so that you can get to the point where you no longer need addiction to help balance your emotions.

I highly recommend you diligently work through your Recovery Workshop and keep learning as much as possible so you can start developing that trust and prove to your wife that she doesn't need to cut out ads in magazines for you. It also might be helpful if your wife participated in the Partner's Healing Workshop. There's a lot of healing that needs to be done and she might positively benefit from it and get a better understanding of your addiction.

I agree with Robert10. What I might add is that recovery is not about controlling anything, that is only phase 1 of recovery. Once you have that sobriety in place, you need to move on to the hard work. Yes, maintaining sobriety was the easy part. Why do these emotions come exploding out of you? Its not like they are coming from nowhere, they are there just waiting for a crack in the control. Some of the lessons in RN you start to learn about monitoring what you are feeling. That means you NEED to feel them but you feel them as they come, when they have not build up behind this damn of control you have built for them. You feel them, understand where they are coming from and why, and you deal with them, then let them go. There is nothing wrong with anger or any of the spectrum of emotions and feelings that we are endowed with. They serve us and are part of our awareness sensory.

There is a saying in my 12-step; anger never rides alone. What is riding in the passenger seat of the car that anger is driving? Frustration, fear, jealously. I also heard someone say a man in rage is never wrong (at least to himself). We become so self righteous in our rage, so right. You can become a rage-aholic in that rage releases all these endorphins just like ejaculation can. You get a rage "high".

Do the RN lessons and pay special attention to the emotional monitoring that lead, sometimes, weeks into acting out. And I would add rage into your definition list of acting out.

Hope this helps.

Completely agree with everything Robert10 and HoneyCat said, only have a couple things to add.



As Robert adeptly put it, the workshop is not about controlling emotions, but understanding and managing them. If you have rage issues, and you just bottle them up, all you have is a pot boiling on the stove that's covered..eventually, it must boil over. Where else will those emotions go? You're can't just shove your emotions into a corner and hope they go away.



This indicates you still have much progress to make. I'm not sure if I ever gave you ye olde triggers lecture myself, but if not, I can point you in the right direction to where I've previously posted about this.



Rather than just seeking to prevent these emotions from boiling over -- which is like treating the symptoms rather than the cause -- you would do much better getting to the root of these problems. This is tough, and requires a lot of self-honesty, understanding, emotional maturity, and time. But, by doing this, you will also find long-term, permanent change. For example, why do you feel angry? Look carefully enough, and you will see that the answers to these questions aren't as far away as you might think, though they can be tough to confront. But only by confronting them do you change for good.

As HoneyCat said, we get very self-righteous when we get angry and let our emotions get the best of us. But as I just read in a book the other day, where does anger come from? I mean, really think about it. It's easy to feel, but tough to actually explain the source. But in many cases, when you get angry, frustrated, or feel controlled, it's a separation of yourself from others, an isolation sort of. "I'm right, you're wrong!" When you feel accused, it becomes easy to get defensive or go on the attack, rather than see if there's any truth to what they're saying. Say, in the case of what your partner was saying, if there's truth to what she's saying, then you can accept responsibility; if there's not yet she insists, by maintaining compassion and understanding, you could think, "well, I understand why she might think this way...so even though I know that she may not be right, I understand her feelings and should validate them." This doesn't mean you have to fib; rather, you could tell her that in this case, you're telling her the truth, though you understand why she doesn't believe you. If she still doesn't believe you, then swallow your pride, accept it, and move forward.

Anyways, hope that helps a bit. You may be working with a therapist on the BPD but even so, you may want to look into meditation and mindfulness training, which can be very useful in helping you understand and deal with your anger. PM me if you are interested.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Hi Oak

I think we all have those issues in early recovery. Think of it like the old story of turning round the oil tanker - it takes time to slow, turn and head in a new direction. And as the others have already said, stopping is only part of recovery - starting new behaviours is the real meat.

What helped me keep an eye on negative emotions was a process of planned and constant monitoring - say, 2 minutes on the hour every hour. Stop, think - note down how you are feeling and why. Keep a close watch on this heart of mine, as Johnny Cash once advised. For him it was not altogether healthy, I suspect. I think he meant it in terms of keeping his feelings close at hand.

I means sometghing closer to CB's advocacy of mindfulness. Being as aware as you can - working out when and why you are angry. the next stage is to do something about it. For me, excercise helps - for CB and others, meditation. I have find a version of this helps. Learning to find a quiet peaceful place and calming my emotions.

I am full of envy, jealousy, anger, fear etc - like everyone else. but I am slowly learning that all of these feelings are a. futile (they do no good, and reveal a blockage in me - I envy, for eg, because of someting I have not done more often than not) and b. self centred. it is all about memmeememememememememmeme.

With your wife, learn to be brave and see discussions through. I still flinch from time to time when we raise my addiction, but I am better. I have admitted what has happened - which is not about fault but about taking responsibility. This has empowered me. If I did these things wrong, I can do other things right.

Good luck, I know how hard these issues are. But take it on now. Dont look back and protect yourself. Be brave enough to be vulnerable.

Shaw

Great point Shaw72.



And JMHO once one can realize that there is an opposite to those negative emotions can things really begin to change. I've taken some of Shaw72's descripitions and added some of the opposites.

envy - charity
jealousy - compersion
anger - love
fear - confidence

We all have emotions that we deal with but it's only when one can understand that emotions alone can't fulfill one's needs. So maybe that's where values can help perhaps?

Just a thought. Peace.

Thanks Coach Jim for the great examples - how positive values can counteract negative feelings.

I was just talking about envy with a friend this afternoon. He is quite hard-line, but I liked what he said, It is just an excuse for frailties in ourselves. He thinks the same about fear and anger - if they dont lead to a positive reaction. Fear should drive us on not hold us back. As I said, he is quite hardline and driven. But it was interesting to hear it.

Which is why I like Coach Jim's solution - find the value that dissolves our negative feeling and work out how this can push us to action!

Thanks CJ.
Shaw

Thanks to everyone who replied. There were many things said that hit the nail on the head. I appreciate your time and insights that you provided. It was very helpful to me as are a lot of the forum posts.


So true about the personal accountablity. The censorship is really there not so much that I can't keep from triggering. It's because of the lack of trust about me not always disclosing people/images that I do glance at. Even if I do immediately glance away. Even though it has been quite some time since I've actually triggered she doen't know whether I have or haven't triggered. It's clearly my way of staying comfortable by avoiding conflict.


This is the big question. I know as well as my wife and therapist know that there is a huge amount of hidden anger that needs to be addressed. I also sure my deep seeded need to be in control of everything has a lot to do with inability to keep the anger and defensiveness from coming out.


This really struck home with me. It's not about knowing rather or not there's any truth to it. I know damn well it's true and that's the hard thing to accept. This must be that part about with getting honest with yourself before you can get honest with others.


This is a big issue for me as I will get defensive and passive-aggressive instead of understanding and accepting. Not as bad as I used to but I've still got a lot of work to do with this.


I try journalling but I just can't seem to get to the point of doing it on a regular basis. Don't know if it's that I'm just so out of touch with my feelings or if itt's I'm afraid of what I'll find. Maybe a little of both.

Again thanks to everyone's replies as it shows just how much work I have ahead of me.

Oak

Well, where do you think your anger comes from? Why do you think you need to be in control? I'm convinced from my own recovery experiences that you know where the answers are, but confronting them is an entirely different and more difficult matter that nevertheless needs to happen.

For me, an aspect of the latter was a feeling of never being in control of my own life, of always being beholden to outside forces. However, continue forth with honesty looking at yourself, and you will see that much of this is just perceived external control, and that you actually have more control than you think...usually though, we have trained ourselves to be more passive, so when someone confronts us on something, we retreat like a turtle back into our shells, rather than hold strong on what we know is right.

In such a case, do you think that the anger you feel towards someone else might actually be anger towards yourself...anger at feeling as though you don't have the willpower or strength to hold to your beliefs, so you can't ever be who you want to be? I would look deeper at your control issues...as I think that your feeling of a lack of control may be both a cause, and is perpetuated by, your anger and defensiveness. You feel as though you lack control in areas of your life...this makes you angry and defensive when you feel like others are controlling you...therefore you get angry at others...which subsequently makes you feel more out of control.

However, it is this perception itself that causes you to feel controlled, not the actions of others themselves. Now, this doesn't mean others in your life have never been controlling in their actions...but hopefully the crux of my point comes through in the saying (and I'm paraphrasing here): no one can make us feel inferior about ourselves unless we allow them to. It is YOU internalizing what someone else says, based on your own perception, that ultimately causes something negative someone says to you to be either a major blow to your self-worth, something you get angry and upset about, or water off your back...not the words themselves.

Boundless

_________________
"It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell."

"Be a lamp unto yourself."

- Buddha

Hello All,

It took me a long time to notice that I was angry at things around me. It took me even longer to see that I kept myself angry. Something would happen with my SO or my stepchildren and I would not reply or address the issue. Instead I would let my anger grow inside me and keep going over the situation in my mind and play out scenarios where I could react, reply or in some way have the upper hand. I would let this anger grow inside me and it would keep me in a horrible mood for hours. Since then I realized that I do not have to stay angry. Things will still make me angry but I try to put those into the piles that I can control or the things that I cannot. Even someone who is not an addict has issues and they are not mine. I have noticed that I am a lot more calm now that I do not allow the anger to grow and fester inside my mind.