Recovery Nation

Exercise Eleven.

Done privately, as BF knows I post here. (Not that I think he's bothering to come here and look around, but it's possible.)

A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

Right now I am shifting between Awareness, where I am mostly; Disorientation, which I slip into when hit with a trigger; and a bit of Separation, when I am feeling calm and well.

I no longer feel like I should obsessively check up on him. (Which I have never even had the option of--we don't live together so I have no access to his computer or phone, or anything else like that.) I have spent a great deal of time reading up on sexual compulsions, anxiety, depression and all the little related things that factor into his behavior. Therefore I pretty much feel that I am separate from his sexual proclivities. On the other hand, I can be thrown out of this calm, aware mode by some random comment of his. Then that will send me into a mild panic until I ask him about it. I ruminate and then my concerns will mostly dispel. The bottom line, though, is nothing ever gets completely dismissed. it reminds me of that old game, Don't Spill the Beans. As if his actions, and explanations, add a bit of crap to the pile slowly but surely and I am just waiting for it to tip and spill out all over the place. Once that tipping point is reached, I won't be able to take it anymore. I will have to leave. (You know, just typing out that truth makes me wonder if I should broach this with him directly. Or if it wouldn't do any good and just be an uncomfortable talk while he dances verbally around my issues.)

Sometimes I wish I had just left after the arrest. I'm not sure why leaving now seems harder without a single event spurring me on, but it is.

We rarely discuss any recovery. He is only now seeing a therapist. As in, one meeting so far. This is what I think--I think being attracted to teen girls your whole life is a problem. Attracted to teens when you're a teen? Fine. Attracted to teens when you're 22? Not quite so fine. Attracted to teens when you're 32? No. Wrong. Attracted to teens when you're 42? WTF is that all about? And why will it be any different when he's 52? Yet, he sees nothing wrong with this.

We continue to have this philosophical debate on this issue. I think BF pictures therapy helping with his anxiety, depression and personality disorders. I feel that the wandering eye and teen attraction thing is part and parcel of his issues that dealing with the other crap will ameliorate. But if he doesn't think this is a problem, where does that leave things? I don't want to be the thought police. And, in fact, I never have been in any other relationship of any kind before. But this bothers me. BF will respond to this with some asperity, snapping that he has a right to notice attractive women. Hmm.

B. Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.

I dislike going anywhere with my BF where attractive young women will be. Difficult to do when we both attend a large public university. We are both surrounded, four days a week, with literally thousands of pretty young things. Fantastic.

Lisa the Stripper sets me on edge every time I see her now. For months prior to DDay BF offered up how great she is, how much in common they both have, etc. Then under my questioning he began to add in, "But not as much as you and I have. Given a choice between you two, I would choose you." Uh huh, sure he would. (So desperate for a rolling eyes emoticon on this site. :p ) Then after DDay he began to tell me how unattractive he found her--bleached hair, breast implants, acrylic nails. Now we're in a, "I don't find her unattractive" phase. Rawrrr! This girl and my BF's attitude toward her is a constant burr under my skin.

I wonder how many men all secretly want young women, no matter how old the guy is. 99%? 90%? Prior to this I never gave a thought to it. Now I can't help but wonder if I've just been snowballed on this my whole life. Edit: The male entitlement here gets me. No matter how old the dude, he should get an 18-year-old hottie? What?! I just continue to feel angry about this privileged attitude.

I am even angrier now over photoshop, plastic surgery, etc. in the constant barrage of, "Women, you suck the way you are." As a feminist I didn't like it before, now I am frustrated beyond all belief in the pressure for women to be eternally young, eternally slim. And once you're old, please go away while we replace you with younger women.

Porn. I have never, ever felt threatened by porn. My thoughts on porn prior to all this was that is was just this typical male-centric drivel produced entirely by men for men. A minor irritant to me. My only real concern with porn before was centered on the women performers and the shortcomings in our economic system that women have to choose between doing porn or working for 18 hours a week for Subway. Right? Women don't choose between their job as a pediatric surgeon or porn. It represents a false choice and no, I don't buy that women in porn are just working their way through med school. (See? I need that rolling eyes emoticon again!)

But now my feelings toward porn have turned very personal. And yes, I feel personally threatened by it now. It has made my life directly, measurably worse.

Exercise Thirteen

I am starting this now, as I've had a craptastic day and have been feeling low for several days now. I will add to this over the next couple of days.

Take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you.

1--Lost time. I have spent too much time on this hurtful bullshit.

1--I stayed in town an extra year, rather than go to grad school on my original time table. Because I was enjoying my life with him; because he "would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship." What a big fat lie that was.

1--Devastated self esteem.

3--Worn down emotions from all my compassionate support. He takes and takes all the love I can give and I am drained.

1--I find it hard to concentrate on things I used to enjoy and be good at.

2--Self doubt. I go from feeling over paranoid to feeling like a sucker.

5--I am aware of other women when we are out together and I evaluate which ones are his types (that would be very young, slim and alternative-looking), wondering what he's thinking of them.

2--On edge about our relationship. Waiting for another revelation to be exposed.

5--More frustrated than usual with the way women are presented in the media.

3--Easily upset. One little thing can set off a round of tears. (This weekend has been especially bad, for some reason. Even after I'd done so well for a couple of months.)

5--Ruminating over the relationship. What's real? What does he really want? Given total choice, who would he be with?

Exercise Fourteen

Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.

No time at all spent managing or tracking. I do spend time somewhat assessing his mental health issues and his attempts at dealing with them. I try to listen and offer feedback on his visits with his newly acquired psychologist. If I think I see something that would be helpful for him to bring up to his counselor, I prod him to bring it up with her. When his sessions are over, I offer to listen, and will sometimes ask specific questions, but I don't demand a blow-by-blow account of his time with her. I think some privacy is helpful there.

How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?

None. Mainly because I see no way to do this. As unsatisfying as investigation obviously is to so many partners, the absolute inability to engage in it, at all, ever, feels immensely thwarting to me. Guess it's a lose-lose thing. :/

Don't know how to best manage the times when I feel doubtful. It generally passes without work on my part, however, I feel like I have no control over this beyond just being a busy person overall. It's a needless waste of time and I am frustrated by my inability to manage this.

What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?

We're in a situation of mutual calm. So I can't say he is doing anything visibly right now to damage my values. On the other hand, I have no real idea what's happening when I'm not around.

Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.

If I found out he slept with another woman, that would be the end of the relationship. I know he has also engaged in cyber sex with other women. This, too, would end the relationship this time around. I haven't taken a stand on porn with him. Whereas I once viewed it as a bizarre fascination of men, and annoyed at its objectification of women, I tolerated it. I guess I still tacitly tolerate it, as I haven't demanded he give it up. Honestly, its a discussion I've pushed off until after his case is resolved. So, this is a "will tolerate it for now" thing. The final objection here is no longer tolerating his commenting on other women, though this has been such a problem between us that he has stopped doing it. He doesn't find my reaction at this point to be at all worth it.

How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility--both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?

None. As has been my stance from the beginning. If I drive this recovery, I'll never know how dedicated he is. For that matter, since this whole thing is court-driven, I have no idea how much he wants to change anyway. At any rate, I am not running this program.

I try to be positive. A cheerleader. A buoyant force to reinforce positive change. The negative side doesn't work nearly as well. My SO is protective of his habits and is very adept at turning things around on me. For example, I'm just overly sensitive about his attraction to young women because of my own insecurities about getting older. I'm upset about his arrest? Well, it was "madness" on his part and he's not really responsible and besides I have hangups about my ex-husband. As is these things are equal. They aren't, of course, but I find myself muted at the end of these discussions.

Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs? If the latter, how much clarity do you have in determining and communicating your personal needs?

None to the first part. I do share, very openly, my needs to him. If he is motivated, they'll be met. He's actually quite good at meeting my wants and needs. He provides lots of figurative hand holding and is a very calm person when I am feeling overwhelmed and stressed.

How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen?

I suppose I keep thinking that psychotherapy on my SO's part will help sort this out. Prior to DDay he basically said he had mental health issues; I didn't really believe him. I thought he was just being typically over dramatic. (It turns out he has been diagnosed with histrionic personality disorder, among other things.) Once I see improvement in his mental capacity--less anxiety, less blame shifting, less all or nothing thinking--then I will be able to commit fully to the relationship. His arrest, and really, his behavior prior to me finding anything specific out, has kept me from fully embracing this relationship. He complained recently that I say I love him on the one hand, yet I keep him at arm's length in some ways on the other. Yes, of course. He has proven to be unreliable in a fundamental say--yes, I will keep some separation there, for my own good. On the other hand, I do love him and so I try to be supportive and am taking a wait and see approach.

What changes will I have to make in my own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? I'm not sure, as I feel somewhat like I'm flying blind. Hard to change my perspective when I am denied a vision of the real landscape. All along I've been assured that everything is ok now. No, there's nothing else to tell. And now, things seem ok, but his overall situation hasn't changed overly much. So how can he not be looking for ways to act out? Some some of disclosure would help here, so that I could have a benchmark to measure against.

I'm blind because a blindfold has been put over my eyes.

What changes would I like to see in my SO for a team spirit to happen again? Success in school, as this would mean his anxiety levels are down, and anxiety was a large part of his acting act. Self medication, you see. Less complaining about how things are just somehow arrayed against him. That would show me that he is accepting some personal responsibility for his life. It would also be helpful if every single conversation didn't have to deal, at some point, with all his issues. I can't go on with this draining aspect in perpetuity, so less drama would be a big step in the right direction.

Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication. We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals:

Well, communication is a big problem as there are some things I have learned not to bring up. What's the point of asking about anything related to his behavior and other women, sex, mb or porn? So I don't bring these things up too often.

Schooling. I am heading off to grad school; his ADD, sleep apnea, and various other ailments interfere with his capacity for higher learning. He is very smart, but sometimes it appears that his ability to concentrate, memorize, and process complex equations (he is a math major) just doesn't work well. He is either off like a rocket or will get stuck for hours on a handful of homework problems. I worry about his ability to finish school.

Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.

I feel overwhelmed by this part of the exercise. To the point that I'm skipping this for now and will revisit, hopefully, in a week.



What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?

Seeing more signs of personal accountability would help here. He often seems to bounce between being a victim of circumstances: his childhood (which seems a mystery--I know both his parents, and they seem quite devoted, yet something is wrong here. They have three sons and only one appears to be doing well [good job, nice wife, stable life]. The youngest brother is thirty and has never held a "real" job--he still lives at home [with a master's degree], with his working class parents still paying his way. I think he's quite brilliant and enjoy his company, but he's practically a hermit. His social circle extends no farther than immediate family. And me. So something is up with this family. And I like them! But, yeah. Something's up.) Anyway, less, "I'm a victim" and a little more personal responsibility would help here. As would an end to, "I've ruined my life" comments indicate a healthier mental state.

Also, definitely less dramatic "revelations" involving his health or mental state. Less drama overall.

What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?

This is tough. We don't live together so it is difficult to see imbalances or insincerity. I had a sense of something wrong before his arrest, but because I aired those concerns, he got better at covering it up. (Talking about other women, talking about much younger women, that sort of thing.) But though the talk stopped, his actions didn't. So, I can't go by his actions. Basically his good guy persona is always on now.

Edit: Had a weird incident that raised a red flag to me.

We were chatting by text Sunday night, then he disappeared after my 10:15 text when I briefly outlined my work schedule and basically said I literally couldn't see him before his plea meeting. Then by 10:30 I sent a random little text. No response. Sent another random, chatty text at 11:30. No response. Sent a good night text at 2 a.m. No response. Then the next morning he was all chatty, happy, and no mention of his disappearing act the night before. When I asked if everything was ok, he said yes, he'd just taken a Benadryl, then stayed up late reading. This is so unusual. However, it reminds me of the times before his arrest (and before I knew anything was wrong) when he did the same sort of thing from time to time. I suspected those were times he was chatting with other women online. Can't help but wonder if it was something similar this time. Especially considering this came directly after I told him I couldn't see him until after his court appearance.

So this sort of thing is something to look for.

On the other hand, what to do about it? He always denies anything improper I ask about and no about of compassion or gentleness or acceptance on my part can ever coax bad news out of him.

Porn. The court has decided he is forbidden from accessing it via computer. But apparently it's a honor thing. They have no intention of installing a program on his computer to monitor, so it's up to him to simply stay away from it. I guess the court thinks the threat of his probation being revoked is enough to keep him away from porn? I asked him about it, and he assured me that he would stay far away from it. Eh. We'll see.

What is involved in developing a support system?

For starters, a support system is not limited to people. The goal is to create a web of tools that all work together to provide you with guidance and comfort and stability. This will most often include people--as they tend to be the most effective tools in offering immediate comfort, compassion, understanding and support. But a healthy support system may also include such things as participating in online workshops (hmmm, wonder where I got that from...smile); journaling; developing a relationship with God; developing a relationship with yourself; attending support groups; participating in online discussions/chats; owning a pet; creating a support library; developing action plans for overcoming crises; pen pals; volunteering; and anything else you can think of that allows you to experience comfort and stability in your life.


Exercise Fifteen

A. Make a list all of support resources (people only) that you currently have available to you in helping you to deal with this current crisis? How many of these people have you already turned to for support? What have you found beneficial in their responses? What have you found to be disruptive?

Just one person, due to the nature of the situation. This person is my BF's sister-in-law. She and I have a lot in common and we were friendly prior to my BF's arrest. After the arrest, which she and her husband (my BF's younger brother) were told of, she has been a sympathetic ear. I try not to do too much complaining/crying to her, though. I generally don't want to be a constant downer, not do I want all sort of intimate information out in and amongst his family.

She's a good listener, so it's incredibly nice to have someone IRL who I can just vent to from time to time.

I can't say I find anything disruptive. She has a good feel for when to ask how I'm doing and when its ok to simply chat about day-to-day trivialities.

As for anyone else, I don't discuss anything. It's such a horrible tale that no one would ever look at him decently again. (His sister-in-law, the last time we spoke about this, just sort of said, "You know you're too good for him, right?" So, yeah. No one who didn't find out with the arrest won't find out from me.)

B. List all resources (not people) that you have available to you in developing a balanced, healthy support system. This list should contain at least eight items.

1. Recovery Nation.*
2. My geriatric cat, Roger.*
3. Gardening.* I find this highly relaxing and invigorating.
4. Web resources for information. This, however, is a double edged sword. Legitimate, scholarly websites are invaluable in helping to answer this question or that question for me. On the other hand, I will sometimes spend too long, in vain, searching for some specific insight into whatever my BF is doing at any particular point.
5. School. I don't use this enough. This ongoing situation has robbed me of the motivation to pursue my research project. Ugh. I enjoy it, but I continue to find new things to get distracted about with my BF's situation.
6. Building a business.* This is both constructive and exhausting. It should pay off at some point, and I enjoy the process, but it's also just one more thing that needs my attention. Every day, to some degree.
7. I have a side business that sees me at a farmers market once a week.* I find it fun to engage with patrons and hear their compliments when they taste the stuff I've made. I enjoy the whole process immensely. It's very satisfying.
8. Exercising. It makes me feel so good and energized. I was getting into the groove, but slacked off last week when I felt pressed for time. No exercise so far this week. I will doing some stretching tonight and get into the gym again tomorrow before class.

C. Discuss a time when you were a part of someone else's support system. Was it a positive or negative experience for you? What made it so? Is there anything that you would have done differently? How can you use these insights to further define your own support system?


Being a mom to two grown kids. I love being a mom and it's been very positive to me. My kids are happy, well-adjusted and successful. I couldn't be prouder of them.

I have lots of love and empathy to give, so being a supportive person is a natural fit for that personality type. I can't say I would have done anything differently. Honestly, I'm not sure how I would translate this into defining my "own support system."

A. Create a list of at least ten core values that represent the person you want to be. You should be able to rely on this list with confidence in guiding decisions, actions, prioritization, etc.

1. Confidence
2. Passion for life/action/goals
3. Goal setter
4. Creative
5. Committed -- to life goals, projects I take on
6. Strong
7. Compassionate
8. Courageous
9. Follow through -- stay with projects, follow through to completion
10. Organized

B. In your own words, how can you use these values to guide you through this current crisis (or a future crisis)?

I feel strength and courage would allow me to focus more on me and my goals and less on, "What is he doing right now?" Goal setting and personal organization will keep my personal plans on track, allowing me to advance my life plans, regardless of what my SO is doing. Ditto for follow through. Compassion is, perhaps, something I need less of. Hmm.

I need to do what's good for me and working on these things make me not only feel good, but they are good for my life. I also feel like there is no place in any of this for a philandering, teen chasing, bipolar, personality disorder SO on one year of house arrest, followed by five years of probation. Sigh. This is hard.

C. Compare this list to the vision that you created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Are they similar? They should be. In fact, they should be practically identical--with your vision serving as a narrative for the list you have here. If they are not, change whichever is inconsistent with the life that you want to lead.

It's pretty much the same. The only new thing here is a commitment to follow through. I will add this to my personal vision, as it is a very needed addition.

Addendum:

I am adding getting into better shape to my vision. I've always been more or less slim, and seemingly in good health, but my slimness is what one coach calls "skinny fat." I am tired of being skinny fat, I want a healthy heart that doesn't feel like bursting after a measly quarter mile jog. And I want muscles, not the kind of flabby upper arms I'm starting to develop. I may have grandkids in the next few years and I want to be able to jump that fence or run up the hill with them. And a zombie apocalypse? Forget it. I am nowhere near ready for that.

I will get back to my exercise regimen of Monday, Wednesday, Friday workouts--squats and bench pressing with hand weights. Then three days a week I will ride my bicycle. Not sure what days yet, specifically, though I rode my bike to a business meeting last evening. It was lovely and I feel good about it.

Sunday night.

This week I am going to do my best to not think about my SO, his issues, or what he's up to this week. I am going to concentrate on me. School, reading for an upcoming project, work on the Monday market, exercising, and developing a recipe for White Russian cupcakes.

I will try to live in the moment, enjoy my days, and plan for my future.

Well, I made it through one day--Monday. And Monday was good. I felt brilliant in my morning class, enjoyed the birds outside and the spectacular weather, and had a successful evening at the market I attend. My wares garnered rave reviews and it was a great day.

Today I am fixated on having, "the talk." I feel like at some point soon I need to address my frustration with his attachment to this other woman with, "You know, I don't want to socialize with Lisa again." And I am already envisioning push back from him about how unreasonable and irrational I'm being. Ugh. I need some techniques to get out of this circular thought process.

A) In Stage Two; Lesson One, you created proactive action plans for three values to help you begin the process of stabilizing your life. You now need to expand this to the remaining values listed in Exercise Sixteen.
B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.


1. Confidence--Hardly any fulfillment right now. I would like to get back to feeling confident. (Although to be honest, confidence has been elusive for me, most of my life.) But confidence has the potential to get me out into the world, making decisions about my life without constant hand-wringing.
2. Passion for life/action/goals--Ugh. Stuck, stuck, stuck on this one, too. I still feel derailed by my SO's actions, as well as overwhelmed by the amount of work in my life right now. I want to get back to a reasonable schedule, with time set aside for various side projects.

Ehh. Looking at my values, I feel stuck at most of them. Will address again later in the week.

Ok, let me try addressing this lesson again.

think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.


3. Goal setter--Still tending to ruminate on my SO (oh goodness, let me just call him M), and waste time with that. I am only dealing with things that have strict deadlines. Things I can put off, I put off, which is my lifelong tendency when under unrelenting stress. When I've set goals in the past I've accomplished many wonderful things. Whew. Need to work on this.

4. Creative--This is good. I have a side business as a baker and I enjoy creating new flavors, then selling them at the local farmers market. I love getting paid to do something I genuinely love. It gives me confidence to hear back from happy, satisfied customers. I need to get back to my writing. I enjoy writing. Just need to set aside a regular time to do it. The benefit here is that when I am paid to write, I make so much more money than when I bake.

5. Committed--to life goals, projects I take on--Letting things slide here. Following through on self-directed goals will pay off in so many ways--independence, financial security, happiness.

6. Strong--I don't feel strong now. I had a difficult conversation with M yesterday that left me in tears and wondering how I found myself on the defensive, when he is the one who created these issues between us. Anyway, I don't feel strong. I feel uneven and floundering. The potential for strength is the ability to stand up for myself and not be afraid to tackle difficult issues head on.

7. Compassionate--I am too understanding and compassionate. I should change this to selfishness. Ha, just kidding. Selfish is not in my nature. I could stand, however, to have fewer actions that leave me feeling drained and used.

8. Courageous--I am changing this to Honesty. I know others here have had that on their lists from the beginning and I haven't. I suppose that's because I feel that life only works if there is a certain amount of self delusion going on. That is to say, I am happiest feeling like I am smarter than I really am, better looking than I really am, that M is better than he really is, etc. Sorry, but I just don't want to hear that, hey, you really are (fill in the blunt truth here). But I've decided to list Honesty now, as I've concluded that basic truths are missing in my life and I can't take it. It's weird. I guess I've always had more or less honesty in my life--and I suppose I didn't appreciate that fact. Now that basic facts are called into question, I feel like I need to list it. Really? I need to list something as basic as General Honesty? Ugh. Ok. Listed. (sigh)

9. Follow through--stay with projects, follow through to completion--Pretty terrible at this, though I am doing well with my week to week commitments. Just need to expand my horizons. (I confess I am a busy woman from day to day in general and I still spend too much time thinking about M and what's going on with him.)

10. Organized--I have never been organized. I get going in fits and starts, but can never seem to maintain it. Being more organized would save me time, however, and make my life run more smoothly.

I like the look of some of gorgon's posts. They are so interesting with their different font sizes and colors. I am going to try that here.

I have wanted to have a conversation with M for several weeks now. I waited for a somewhat organic opportunity to come up, and when it did, I acted.

It didn't go the way I had envisioned.



Instead, M got angry. When he is usually a cheery, soft spoken man. I quickly found myself on the defensive, defending my feelings from his accusations that I am holding on too long to my hurt and suspicions. Next thing I knew, I was apologizing to him. How did that happen?

and

We chatted today via text. I'm sure he'll want to get together tomorrow. Or Thursday. Or preferably both days--of course. What guy under house arrest wouldn't want a girlfriend who makes house calls?

Instead I am going to pick two things off of my RN Values List and work on them. Which, no, I'm not going to tell him what I'm using the time for, because I see no point in trying to have an open dialogue with someone who will only get angry and turn things around on me.

We'll see how it goes.

I always get fired up when I hear the “it’s in our genes” excuse because, while it may be in our genes, we have evolved such that we are not slaves to the behaviours that promoted survival of our early, primitive ancestors. We have evolved such that these “instincts” are no longer necessary for our survival and the argument has expired. We have choice in our behaviours. Objectification is not a reflex.

Yes, it is both. Objectification is treating others as objects. This does not have to be a sexual thing. Objectifying in a sexual manner is an indicator of a sexualized mind.

Patience and understanding (and any other values) should only be practiced for the value that they provide in your life. Using them “in order to” will generally always lead to thwarted intentions and unmet expectations, which will only contribute to instability if this is where your focus is (on manipulating his actions).

This attitude is “icky” and it is indicative of where he is emotionally. It is apparent that he is very self-centered and more interested in minimizing his addiction and trying to manipulate you through “flattery” (you are the one he loves and has the most in common with).

It is sooo good that you have some values that you find such meaning in, which support other values (education supporting confidence, for example).

Good plan. This is where your vision work will help, too.

It seems that you are fully aware of what to expect from such a conversation, so instead of looking at it from what he’ll do, think of it in terms of what you will get out of it for you (who will you be in the conversation, how can the conversation support your developing values etc.) If you feel that you will be able to gain something of value from the conversation (be it self-confidence, or self-respect, or setting a boundary etc.) then go for it. If you may simply be “giving him another chance” to see if he’ll show you something different, then I wouldn’t go there. Given that he is not in recovery, there won’t be anything different, and if there is it will more than likely be hot air.

Reading this, and thinking about your question of why it is so hard to leave him without some event to trigger it (that you have plenty of reasons to leave is beside the point)... anyhow, I wonder if you maybe feel as though you can “save him” from himself. Or, maybe his being with you gives you some sense of “good enough” as in, if he is really attracted to young women and yet he chooses to be with you, this must mean something about your worth. Some food for thought. The reality is, you won’t leave until the pain of being with him outweighs the pain of not being with him. So, there is something that occurs as painful in the idea of not being with him. When you tap into that, you will be able to evaluate it through the filter of your vision and values, dispelling any myths that surround you. You will be left with who he is being and what you want for your life, without any of the stories about what leaving or staying will mean about you.

Perhaps consider values that you damage (through neglect as a result of your relationship with him, for example).

It is good that you choose to take a step back from this. Clearly, by his attitude and behaviour he has no interest in changing, or, his interest in self-preservation will not allow him to admit that there is something wrong with his behaviour. Regardless, the prognosis for intrinsic motivation is bleak.

You do have a benchmark. His non-action says more than anything he could ever tell you. Maybe he has put a blindfold over your eyes, but it is up to you to take it off.

Good for you for having the difficult conversation! There is strength in broaching things that would be much easier to avoid (at least in the immediate sense). That he turned it around and left you in tears does not mean you were not strong, only that you allowed his words and your emotions to overtake you. Use this as an opportunity for learning; consider it practice. This is how you will gain strength (in practicing).

Being compassionate is a great value. There is a balance to strike in choosing when to be compassionate when it is appropriate and holding back when being compassionate will damage or violate other values. Consider this value in terms of its healthy components and it’s unhealthy components and use this as a filter for when to be compassionate and when to reserve compassion to promote your better judgment.

Consider that taking on Honesty as a value is being courageous!

Really good work Frost.

_________________
First say to yourself what you would be; and then do what you have to do. (Epictetus)

Hi CoachMel,

Thanks for taking the time to read my posts and offer such helpful insight. I really appreciate it. Especially since I have no one IRL to discuss this with.



I do feel like leaving without an immediate trigger feels more like abandonment on my part than anything. He has told me on a few occasions that I know more about all his issues than anyone else alive and I definitely feel that is a true situation. (Of course, partly that is a result of being in the relationship at the time of the arrest. On the other hand, he had revealed his anxiety and depression prior to that, so, yes, I do know quite a bit about him.) At any rate, yes, I am the closest confidant he has. So I do feel partially on the hook here. And don't get me started on the happiness expressed by his mother, whom I like, or his daughter, whom I also like, upon learning I was staying in their lives. I find it hard to walk away from those needs and wishes.



Haha, actually no. I've spent most of my life in the conventionally attractive realm. Even now, I'm a pretty nice looking woman. The initial realization that I was with someone who wanted another archtype was quite shocking to me. In any event, this has happened at a time in my life when I am noticing that women who look like me are invisible in the media. Just invisible. It's weird. And I don't like it. So these two things (his sex crime and my overall realization of societal demands/expectations/crazy impossible ideal standards) are working together very negatively. But, no, I don't feel some odd validation here. Quite the opposite. I find it all demoralizing and painful, even as he insists I misunderstand things.



Yes! I've never thought about it so simply or clearly.



Yes, thank you, this is the heart of the situation. I will have to devote time and meditation to understanding this.

Ahh, so busy these days. I crave a vacation. Or even a couple of days away, without work piling up while I'm off.

But that is not to be. Instead, I have a session with M's therapist on Thursday. I met her, with M, two weeks ago. She suggested she could see us together, or just me separately from time to time (with M remaining her sole patient).

I believe M would like to see her as a couple, but I will ask to see her privately this time. I really want to just lay the way I perceive things on the table for her. I know these perceptions are probably pretty vastly different from M's.

I am going to lay out the things I wish to convey to her first. And try and have an outline before I see her, so I don't miss any points I want to hit.

1. Background of our relationship prior to dating. Twelve years of casual, but happy, contact.
2. The realization that sexual desire was off, in my opinion. Too much talk of younger women. I found out recently that he drove his last girlfriend off with this sort of thing. She felt he found her physically inadequate. (She isn't.) So this isn't just me.
3. My feeling that something was going on I wasn't aware of. His happiness suddenly to stop chatting with me at night. I suspected he was talking with other women. He likes online encounters.
4. The arrest. OK, here's the thing. My imagination runs away with things from time to time and the arrest is, unfortunately, the benchmark. As in, "Would he visit a strip club/hire an escort/have random anonymous sex with someone he met online/etc? Well, he did solicit a 14-year-old online and this other thing is way less scary/awful/etc, so of course it's possible!"
5. What I don't know. What else don't I know? And does it ultimately matter? What's done is done.
6. My problem with not being in his head. That is, I can only go by what he tells me and I was snookered before. So, he may be making real strides, but how to tell for sure?
7. Inability to communciate

Ok. TBC.