*ontrack's recovery thread

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

An observation: the physical symptoms that I experience when I am procrastinating are the same as when I am on a sexually compulsive chain of activity - I am cut off from my body for the most part and in a sort of mental haze - and strangely this feeling of disconnectedness also includes anxiety throughout, rising and subsiding, as well as lethargy, and an ache of sorts from deep within, like an existential ache.

So it really hammers home how important it is for myself to find a way to reconnect to my body (self) and my values and everything that's important to me. But the most important thing is to really really really really just fucking breathe and get back into the present. Because I'm racing around in the past and future, not close to the present in any way.

Feeling much better now after a good day's work so far. Much more to do but it's all good.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

022112
12:06am
Hi. Sat down here at the computer two hours ago to write this and then start some work. So much for that. Really been fighting some horrid procrastination lately. Hmmm.

At least I’m doing it now. This week will be about doing the little thing as a way to get big things done. Ease off the sports articles, the hockey media. Man, I’m really bad with that as a time waster. Really get going and going and I’m just gone gone gone.

So. Really, man. Little. Tiny. Actions. That’s what gets things done. Remember the Freedom app and also the Ambi-Science App, a brilliant one that allows you to think and just think. Clean and free.

Just fucking be.

Tell the truth. Experience it. Be it.

From your manhood.

And grace.

Have the courage to love and to not turn away, or shelter yourself, or protect yourself. Or shy away in anyway. This is this. Deal with the present moment and all that it brings.

The commandments are about courage. A Life that resonates is the same. Courage. Create.

I am here to Create and Communicate the Truth, over and over again.

Yea.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

0227
10:22am
Ok, need to keep this short. Sick, been very ill with the flu for the last three days and my deadline for my job now slip slipping away. Ugh. Back able to work today but way behind. Many nights spent not just with my sickness but the kid’s flus as well, whom I got it from in the first place. Hours during the night emptying puke bowls. It’s a war zone here and has been for over 2 weeks now. Not good. Plus my wife still deeply depressed about life overall.

I have linked her depression back in ‘99/’00 to the worsening of my addiction because of my inability to handle her emotions. I think I found it overwhelming and that along with other stresses at that point – we had just moved to a new country, risking it all on acting and the entertainment industry - there was a great deal of stress on us and for her it morphed into a deeper depression, for me into compulsive sexual behavior, something that had always been there, it just now became much more pronounced and evident (and destructive). Since then I think I have grown in dealing with both her emotions and mine, but much farther to go to reach health. I really find her emotions erratic and difficult. I really have to work to stay centered and grounded.

So. Hmmm. Just have to get back on the ground and moving. Work on health. Overall health. Mine and family’s. Thank god I feel better today than I did the last couple days. Keep breathing and doing, beat by beat. Do do do, be be be. And all that. Stay grounded.

Breathe.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

0305
12:24pm
Ok, really clear and clean right now. YEAH. Feeling good. Stay on beam. Maintain, maintain, maintain. My values deepening. Keep them as my beacon. Nothing will guide you so much right now, or ever, as your values. Thank you Jon Marsh. What a good, smart, gifted, giving man.

Thanks, Jon.

I know what to do this week, it’s clear in my mind and heart.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

031212
Good morning. More and more clarity. Thank God. I am appreciating it although some of it is hard to take, no wonder I’ve chosen to stay muddled for so many years. Stay confused and make no decisions and don’t move forward. That’s been the reality heretofore. Now, I see the road fairly clearly ahead and the only thing that can keep me from progressing is my own bravery. That will determine how far I advance. How I deal with my fear (I want to also add my “loathing” here too, the ol’ “fear and loathing”). As long as I can deal with these two things within my values I’ll be fine. It’s about rebuilding my emotional life, becoming more and more human, more in the moment, more connected to those around me. Less prone to distraction and destruction. Lately I feel like I’ve been on top of it. Need to keep that up.

The last few weeks there’s been so much sickness in the house. Over and over again, I went down for 3 days and the rest has been wife, daughter, son, over and over, my wife losing it and distraught at times with the levels of sickness, the sleepless nights, the stress of it all. Plus house water issues. Lots of house ill-health and negotiations. I have this feeling that once the house fixed some of these other issues will disappear as well. It is my hope anyway.

Last week I put my work out to some strangers, some original work, and it’s something I need to keep doing in order to get to where I want to be workwise. Put it out, put it out. Get feedback, and keep it going. That’s where the bravery comes in. To stay strong in balance and equanimity while in the face of uncertainty and possible criticism or rejection, or the opposite, approval and approaches of interest. Hmmm.

Work on this balance and staying there, a place of personal power, filled with integrity, choice, and self-determination.

All for now,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

031912
12:27pm

So. Yes. A bit of a late start on my work today. Got a virus on my computer when I started following internet stories. The twig was something to do with Tiger Woods and the new book about him revealing a porn addiction or some such thing, then that story led rather quickly to a banner ad about best bras or something, well I clicked on that in a rather sleepy, just waking up state and it showed women from the net showing off their bras for this website – cue inner alarm bells going off and just as I was closing up the site – bingo – there was my virus, instant karma punishment for slip! Fascinating. And a great warning, just because things going well stay vigilant, esp. while on the net, and esp. at this time of year – weather warming up which means much female flesh will soon be on display when I am out of the house. Time to sharpen up my values and make sure everything is nicely in place. Yes. Feeling vulnerable today after this event.

Hmm. Ok, go over my values. -------------------->>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

HUH. OK. So that was a definite veer away from values. It is now 2:10pm. Tried to log onto an old fave website of mine for intrigue. Failed and got frustrated and went to a phone chatline and got a one hour free membership and started intriguing there. Was frankly rather bored by it all. “There is nothing here for me” was the words that kept coming to me over and over. Which was good. Talked to no one on that line. Sent some messages but wasn't expecting any responses back. Stayed on mainly to burn up that free membership so that I wouldn't be tempted to return there later today and use the rest up.

So what’s going on? We have been sick in our house for well over a month, me, my wife, my kids, it just keeps cycling back and forth. Endless. It’s worn us all down and I think I am not at my peak powers as a result. OK. Now let’s get back onboard the A train. Hmm.

In a quick checkin of my body I see raised heart rate, jittery, annoyed, alert or super-alert as a result. Time to get back to basics here. This is an aberration, a total aberration. Not planned, nothing like that, just a quick diversion that snuck up on me. A few flashes of sites on the web, triggering off emotions inside me, and I was there. Ok. So how do I deal with it?

VALUES. VALUES. VALUES.

GET BACK THERE.

Going to do that.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Ok, what will bring me back to clarity.

VALUES.

What values needed right now?

Cultivating and experiencing Love
Honesty and Respect
Integrity
Accountability
Discipline

Next action - make plan for rest of day
- two pomodoros of work
- put on some music that I connect to
- breathe brother

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

032012
12:13am
Feeling much better. Back on terra firma. Blessed. And back to the simple life. That’s what I need to remind myself is the good life too. Good and simple. Yeah. So. Why? What broke it? Well, I did, thru simple actions. Cooking supper when my wife asked me to. Reading some of the work I was supposed to. Connecting with my daughter and esp. my son, there was a look he gave me in one moment, it was like he was talking to my soul and it was saying, “hey Dad, ever think about this? Isn’t this the greatest?|” I had to agree it was. And then connected, deeply, soundlessly, wordlessly, with my wife. Complimenting her and noticing the fine work that she had done, acknowledging what she had done. Empathy. And touching her. From the heart not from the groin (even though, yes, we did make love but it was like I said, we touched each other from the heart not from the groin – it was very very special and deep – it was love goddamnit). I am a very lucky man. And still on the right track, with my love and my life.

Thank you, God. Thank you Universe. Thank you, me. For hanging in, for not throwing it all away this time. For holding on and just breathing. Cause that’s all it takes. The next breath brings with it clarity and ease. The next one. And the next one. So bring it in.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Feeling good about the day ahead. Let's bring a lot of music into it. It's a reading and absorbing research day so there is room for music as long as it's instrumental and not too obstrusive. Then starting to write hopefully tomorrow.

Let's get on the clock with the pomodoros (the pomodoro technique, a time management strategy) and get going.

YES.

The day is mine to make mine.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Focus for the day:

Values:
Strengthening my role as Husband and Father
Integrity
Courage

Go to Values list and Boundaries if influenced by triggers.
Meditate.
Yoga.

Breathe.

Peace,

Ontrack

Shaw72 · **Joined:** Tue Jan 19, 2010 8:54 am **Posts:** 1239

Hi Ontrack

Just checking in to see how you are doing? It sounds like positives and negatives - when is it any different for us?!

I was reading about your recent intriguing - how about some short-term, immediate plans when your awarenes, however, dim clicks in?

I find movement is powerful - not just as a boundary (get the hell outta here), but to unite mind and body, fight that sleepy, drifty feeling that lands me in trouble.

Movement clears the mind somehow.

I was chatting to a friend. She made an interesting comment about my work habits. I work in a freelancer's office - we have desks where we write basically. She noted that I had the desire to always sit in the same place. This is fine, but she warned that it also leads to certain patterns that can lead to complacency. The brain gets used to routine and can switch off.

Sometimes changing the routine maintains our awareness which fights the demons etc etc.

Just a thought.

Shaw

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Hi Shaw,

Thanks a lot for the tip on movement. Great reminder and very important. Complacency is definitely playing a part in what's happening. And various levels of awareness and long-felt grief of sorts.

Complex but I am working through it.

Feel. But not get overly drawn into the feelings.

Be the Pilot, not the Passenger.

Hope you are well, I'll keep refreshening and keep moving!

Again, thanks, nice to hear from you,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

I think the real thing is for me about FEAR. Being discovered that I'm really incapable, stupid, inferior than everyone else, incompetent in every way. It's a fear of being FOUND OUT. EXPOSED. don't really know why this is so loaded for me but it is. From way back in childhood. A great deal of stress comes from it. Goes back to school and being picked on for being smaller and less than, not as aggressive, nasty, and everything else. I did fine in my little neighborhood growing up, but when the group got larger in later grades my confidence couldn't handle it. With girls, grades, art, everything and anything that I was good at. I feared performance in every way. So ironic that I then became an actor and now a writer where it's all about performance, over and over and over. Talent and performance. Are you special? prove and prove it and prove it again. Do it now. Hmmm.

And weeks like this, where I have to begin a project, I am so dug into resisting that beginning and pushing it along. Sigh. And that leads to stress from the past over 40 years of my life. So when I talk to myself to assuage my fears I hear it on the surface but that kid doesn't. He doesn't hear it all, he just doesn't want to be hurt again. That's all he cares about, avoiding hurt. So he doesn't want to start so that he can avoid the criticism, he doesn't want the pressure. And I turn to other ways of relieving that pressure, sports, computer, chatting, and intrigue. Stimulation, stimulation, stimulation, and that's supposed to calm my emotions. But of course it never does.

I am a little stumped in a way because I keep coming back to this. How do I talk to that little guy. That kid, who I suspect was abused, either emotionally or physically (or both). How do I calm that kid and let him know that it's ok. It's ok to reach out, it's ok to fail, it's all ok. You will be loved regardless. And it's true. I will.

I really need to think on this. Came really close to phone sex today until a huge "NOOOO." came out. Shatteringly close. And it's not what I want. I need to just be there for me when these feelings arise and just stay calm. Stay grounded. Stay stay stay. Stay in it and breathe, man. That is all.

Peace,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

032612
04:28PM

Five and a half hours wasted on Intrigue. All so I wouldn’t have to write this. I have been avoiding writing this and being honest about how I feel all day. What the fuck? Very disappointing. After 4 very solid months. Sigh. The positive, it stayed at Intrigue. The negative, I did very little, once in it, to stop it. In fact, I did nothing. I need to review my Action Plans and sharpen it all right now. Come into the present.

OK. Hitting the reset button. The rest of the day and onwards in Values. Something happens to me at the 3-4 month mark. I start to fly and soar and then feel the need to drag it all down. That’s very sad to me but true. Part of me hates success. And freedom. Hates it. It’s like I won’t grant myself it for some reason.

Anyway, what’s the Value that will carry me through today? HONESTY. Crucial.

Feeling and experiencing LOVE. Towards me first and then out. I have a week ahead of work and I’ll need all of my wares to come forward. All of ‘em. So…
In other words I’ll also need another value, COURAGE.

I have it. Just submerged it temporarily. I will draw on it. I am a good man. I am a solid man. I am a blessed man.

Yes.

Done for now,

Ontrack

ontrack · **Joined:** Thu Apr 21, 2005 4:44 pm **Posts:** 286

Progress.

I just need to eliminate compulsivity from my life. I think it really starts with my overall computer habits. Sports mostly and repeatedly, every day it's a problem. Don't get to my work, which also lives onthe computer, till I get a sports fix.

Wake up, listen to sports radio, then read sports articles, then more radio. It's really insidious. I don't know why but it is.

So I have to just gain solid ground again and just breathe and stay true in the next moment.

I will be clear. Bed now. Clarity tomorrow.

Peace,

Ontrack

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