Recovery Nation

I decided to return to these lessons. I stopped because I was frustrated with the focus on him and his problem when what I wanted to do was deal with my pain and profound feelings of betrayal. At this point I will trust that working throughout these lessons could help. Just about a month ago I discontinued all contact with the SA in my life. We had been divorced but I attempted to remain friends with him. It did not work. I did not see any improvement in his addiction and in fact began to see how he was possibly using his addiction and so-called attempt at recovery as another tool in his "use" of me. I want to be able to move beyond the negative aspects of intimacy that I learned from this man in order to remain open to genuine intimacy if it should come into my life.

Lesson 7
A. Consider the role that you have played in your partner's recovery to date. In the field below, describe these roles as they relate to:
I. Effective communication
II. Managing your partner's recovery
III. Empowering/disempowering a pursuit of health
B. Consider the focus and attention that has been offered to your partner in recovery; are you gaining equal resource to heal your own wounds? If not, what can you do to ensure that your healing is considered every bit as important as your partner's recovery

effective communication:

This was extremely difficult as the SA also displayed characteristics of a personality disorder (PD) I learned techniques to improve communication based on the PD but I began to lose hope that anything I could do would be of any value in part because I regularly felt the need to defend myself from the emotional attacks and manipulations. I was not able to absorb the symptoms of his illness so in the end the only "communication" that was an option was to stop all communication in order to find my own path to healing.

managing partner's recovery:

I believe I did a good job of leaving it to him to recover or not. In one of the last conversations we had I mentioned that he had not continued his recovery program. His response was something to the effect that he had what he needed from it. I don"t think I had said much about it over the past year. What I had to realize was that he was not committed to his recovery. One thing that did become quite clear was that he was willing to use the idea and the vocabulary of recovery in order to pressure me into having sex with him. One email used particular jargon and admitted to succumbing to his addiction and then begged me for a "loving session". The unspoken undercurrent of this was that if I would have sex with him he would not use porn. While I did not say this the answer in my mind was "Not my problem!"

empowering/disempowering pursuit of health:

I did what I could to encourage and empower but I don't believe anything I did was going to do any good in this case. Over and over again I witnessed the way he used his "recovery" or his new found "spiritual path" as a way to obscure truth and manipulate his partner rather than empower himself. I remained quiet about my perceptions of this because, I believe, I did not want to risk discouraging him in his recovery if I was wrong. At this point in time I do not believe I was wrong. I believe his "pursuit of health" came to an apparent end when he began to see that he could not use the idea of recovery and spiritual belief as a way to manipulate me. I did not and do not believe it is "empowering" in any positive way for a woman to be intimate with a man just so he will not turn to an addictive behavior.

focus and attention:

As I mentioned above I discontinued this program because I felt it was making the SA the center around which my healing was to focus. As I also said above I am willing to give it another try as a way to release the pain I have felt so intensely over the past several months of trying to separate my life from his. Perhaps by looking at the issues that were his I can also winnow out what was mine in order to deal with them as well.

I am no longer a part of his "recovery". I do not believe his "recovery" exists and might not have ever existed for him except as a way to obscure his behavior and manipulate me. If he truly wanted recovery he would have continued on his program and he would not have used "recovery" jargon as a way to try to get me to have sex with him.

I am all about my healing now. I am in therapy. I am doing a lot of "homework". I am writing letters I will not send and journaling and now back on this program. I also wrote a song while in darkest part of my pain and managed to find a very healing way to express the horribly dark feelings I was suffering. In the end it was a positive, and almost triumphant bit of poetry and a beautiful piece of music (I am embarrassed to be praising myself so much) I am doing therapeutic art as well as going back to work on the painting I do otherwise. I have also been taking to time to be with other people and participate in the other activities I love.

I wanted to address this concerning my begging the SA to stay with me as a compulsive act:
me

Coach Mel

I believe the times I begged him to stay I did not feel as though I was entirely in control of my actions. There was an overwhelming amount of pain associated with these incidents. At other times when he would leave I remember thinking to myself that it was over and I would not take him back and then when he would ask to come back and say all the right things I would throw out all my intentions and give him yet another piece of my heart. If I could get him to stay disaster was, as least temporarily, averted.

But did I have control of my thoughts? Yes. I could consider different options and outcomes. But I was desperate to remain in the relationship because I believed it was possible. So perhaps not "compulsion" as much as fear and desperation and a belief that I was tough enough to survive his illness.

I just thought of something else: I don't remember this so much early in the relationship as much as later on - he would thank me for "begging" him to stay. I would guess that my "begging" was something that he valued and wanted to increase. For me it might have been a learned behavior. I would beg, he would stay and I would be doubly rewarded for begging.

Lesson 8

A. Considering only objective signs of a healthy recovery/unhealthy recovery, what path do you think your partner is on? If on an unhealthy path, do you think this is due more to lack of insight about how to change, a lack of energy/motivation to change or a lack of desire to want to change?
 
B. If you were to identify three issues relating to your partner's recovery that you would like to see changed, what would they be?

Example: 1) He communicates only positive aspects of his recovery; that type of selective disclosure worries me. 2) His emotional immaturity when I bring up my pain. He gets angry or completely shuts down emotionally. 3) His apparent lack of motivation in working on himself and his recovery. It's like I have to push him every step of the way.

My relationship is over but I decided to do this lesson anyway.

I did not believe my partner was committed to genuine recovery. I believe there were times he did want to recover but he was terribly inconsistent in just about everything he did. I do not believe he was able to handle his emotions due to what might very well be a personality disorder. Denial was and apparently still is the king. Blame was another tool. Projection was one of the most harmful and frustrating aspect of his disorder.

I recently saw his profile on a dating website and he is claiming to be a "recovered porn addict" thanks to RN. But he discontinued the program. I considered that he just might not be writing his answers on this board but I asked him about it in one of the last conversations we had. I asked why he had stopped. He said he did not need it. He believed himself to be "recovered" because relapses were to be expected but it became clear to me that he still did not have the emotional stuff under control. He was still striking out at me emotionally when he believed his "needs" were not being "met". It was my job to "fix" his emotions by sacrificing mine. I was not allowed to have a bad day and I certainly was expected to have sex with him regardless of how I felt. One of the last times we were together on a camping trip, as friends, he suggested that if I would agree to have sex with him at least once a month he would be okay. I guess it mattered not one bit that I would not feel very good about myself in this kind of relationship.

For me the most telling aspect of his form of "recovery" was that he used the jargon and concepts he learned here as a way to try and pressure me to have sex with him. I remember one email when he was begging me for "a loving session". He referred to the positive/negative balance, including a link to the particular lesson here on RN and divulged that he was quite "sick" again and that he could really use my "sexual caring" for him. The underlying theme was that he knew I was repulsed by his addiction and he believed I would spread my legs for him just so he would not indulge. The sub-theme was that my denying him the opportunity to use me in this way was a "negative" in his life that he had to remove himself from. In other words if I did not "put out" he was out of here.

So goodbye, good riddance. There is nothing I could do that would not be a violation of my values. This was not love and it certainly was not "recovery" by any stretch of the imagination.

When I was still with him there were several aspects of his so-called "recovery" that were very, very troubling to me. He spent a lot of time telling me stories of his past acting out. Many of these stories were sickening to me. Some of them were activities that would have landed him in jail if he had been caught. Having to hear these stories put a huge burden on me and will sadden me for the rest of my life. I do not know for certain if he believed this to be necessary for his recovery or if the motivation was based more in a unacknowledged desire to sabotage the relationship and/or do me emotional harm.

In the end he made a point of calling to tell me that he had met and had sex with some random woman he met. He told me that she was beautiful but I was more beautiful than her. He told me that it was the "closest thing to real lovemaking that he had ever experienced". His story was that he thought this would allow us to continue to be friends as he would no longer pressure me for sex. He told me he had done this to a previous lover and she was "happy" for him and she "put up" with this behavior. I had the opportunity to speak with this woman. She told me that he did indeed keep her informed of the details of his sexual encounters after they were no longer intimate and that she did not think he was aware of how "hurtful" it was for her.

I cannot understand why she tolerated that kind of cruelty. Is he aware of how hurtful he is or is it his ability to disconnect and his expectation that everyone else does the same? I believe he knew. I believe this was a deliberate act - a final shot, a way to hurt someone, a way to make himself out to be the "winner", to feel as though he was in control or it might have been a way to force someone who cared about him to cut off contact so he could say "she broke up with me - poor me". This woman, this previous lover of his, had a different story of their break-up. He claimed she broke it off with him because she wanted to stay near her daughters. She said that he broke it off with her because she would not quit her job immediately to come live with him. She was very near retirement and wanted to wait. He said now or never. I am inclined to believe her.

As I stated above he regularly used his relapses as a way to try and coerce me into having sex. It did not matter to him if I was not really interested - he expected me to have sex as a way to service his "needs" because otherwise he would turn to porn. My needs did not matter. My emotions were of no interest for him. He said wanted to keep me as a friend because he supposedly valued me for that but he was expecting me to put aside the feelings I had for him in order to remain friends while he had sex with and told me of having sex with other women. I was not interested in subjecting myself to that kind of abuse.

For a lot longer than I wish I had I believed that his recovery was possible. I believed that he could seek the help he needed to overcome his other psychological issues. I believed he would want to "get better". I loved him. But denial was easy. Porn was easy. Going back on the dating sites must be an easier route than working on the relationship with me. He can recreate himself and call himself "recovered" and it might be at least a little while before his next victim figures out what he really is.

But I still feel a lot of the love I had for him and that is difficult. It may be a while before those feelings and those beliefs in our life together fades. It is very difficult for me to consider that he might be capable of healing his "wounds" but it is doubtful that he will. I believe the porn and sex addiction is only a symptom of another, bigger problem instead of the porn being the cause of the rest of it.

It becomes clear that he is capable of turning his emotions on and off or is somehow disconnecting sex from everything else about a person. It is still so damn confusing and it still hurts me to the core to think of how I gave this man my love and my body and he used and abused my emotions. And then walked away claiming to be "recovered". May god help his next prospect. May she be stronger and smarter than I was.

Lesson 9
signs of healthy recovery:
He was telling me of relapses which on the surface could appear to be healthy but then he would use this as a way to pressure me into having sex so he would not relapse. Not healthy.
not engaged:
see above
So, one of the first signs to look for in a sincere recovery is whether or not your partner has recognized that there are structural defects in the foundation of his/her life. That they are emotionally immature and lack efficient adult life management skills.

It was very clear that he was unwilling to acknowledge all of the "defects" and was actually willing to use some of the "defects" as a way to justify his behavior and manipulate others.

The most powerful indicator of a sincere recovery is that they begin to apply what they are learning to their day-to-day life. That they don't compartmentalize and isolate what they learn in recovery to compulsive behavior alone.

His ability to deal with his emotions was not there. His moods were capricious and I was the scapegoat.

Recovery involves so much more than mere abstinence and so, a part of recovery is learning to effectively communicate one's true self to the world around them. Nowhere is this more necessary than in the communication shared with one's life partner. There are several reasons why one would want to recover in secrecy--and none of them are healthy.

I did not see any evidence that he was capable of communicating his "true self". I don't believe there was any "true self", that he would change sometimes from moment to moment depending on what he believed his needs to be. This, I believe, is a part of the personality disorder. It was also clear that if he was in any stage of what he termed "recovery" he was doing it in secret (not posting his lessons here on RN, not sharing progress with me except to tell of his relapses) but as I found out he had discontinued his program in the belief that he could do it on his own or that, as he posted on a dating website, he was already "recovered". Although what I witnessed is that he discovered a way to use his so-called recovery and his continuing relapses as a tool to try and manipulate me. He was addicted for 30 - 40 years, went through the motions of a program for a couple of months and he is "recovered". Yeah - right. I also saw a pig fly by yesterday.

Proactive versus Reactive

It was clear both to me and to the coaches here that he was simply going throughout the motions with his lessons and I know one coach said something to him. It became clear that his method of dealing with weaknesses in his personality was to use the language of "acceptance" - that I needed to "accept" him as he was and if I was trying to "change" him I was the bad person. Interesting as I did not pressure him to change - I just backed off from the relationship and told him he was free to do what he wished but I was also free to walk away. He described this as me trying to "control" him. For instance he insisted that I was controlling him with sex, I have an email where he claims that I admitted this but in fact it is not something I did and he could not tell me when, where or how I made this admission. He claimed I was controlling him with sex because I would not have sex when we were having a conflict. For me it is a DUH! It also is a clear indication that for him sex was separate from the rest of the relationship. This, for me, was a red flag. He said once that he believed sex was necessary for a good relationship. I believe a good relationship is necessary for sex. On the surface this might appear to be a simple difference of opinion but taken with all the rest of the tactics he used to act out the idea of having sex to fulfill his "need" rather than being an expression of love was disturbing to me.

Slips, Relapse

His relapses were often binges, were frequent and were often whenever we were having difficulty. Or at least these were the ones he would tell me about. I believe he would tell me of these incidents as a way to pressure me into providing for his sexual "needs" because I objected to the porn use. But the most glaring sign that he was not in a successful recovery was the continuing objectification of me. He did not think it would be odd for us to have sex when we were otherwise not getting along. He sent me several emails spelling out how I could "prove"that I was not trying to control him with sex. He thought I should have sex with him at least 50% of the times I did not want to have sex just to give him a equal "say" in when we had sex. Yes. He believed it was a perfectly reasonable thing to do. He though I should have spread my legs for him just to satisfy his need to feel that he had a "say". Just the bookkeeping for this bit of insanity would have been impossible.

If that response is defensiveness, denial, aggression, etc., well...you know. On the other hand, if their response is to seek awareness, objective assessment, etc., then these are good signs.
 
It was abundantly clear that he was incapable of recognizing the way he was trying to get me to go along with his objectification and participate in his addictive rituals. Any time I objected the defensiveness and anger and blame and projection and denial would come out. He could not tolerate anything that he might remotely feel was criticism. It was an impossible situation for me.

Lesson 10
Return to your vision created in Stage One; Lesson Two. Select the three most important values that you need right now to help you stabilize your life.
For example:
1. My role as a healthy mom to my children
2. Deepening my spirituality
3. Having a supportive mom
B) For each, think about the meaning and fulfillment you are getting compared to the potential meaning and fulfillment available.
 
C) Develop a specific plan that will allow you to maximize the potential in each of those three values.
 
D) List the steps you will take in the next 24 hours to begin strengthening each value.


1) Health
plan:
daily yoga
eat plenty of vegetables
continue attention to mental health
exercise
daily meditation
increase awareness and appreciation of the beauty of the natural world
get massages
minimize use of alcohol to an occasional beer with a friend
24 hours:
yoga
meditation
journaling (mental health)
therapy appt. today
take dog for walk
make a good meal

2) Creative Expression
plan:
paint a little every day, may just be exploration, may be working on a project
play the guitar some every day, like to do at least an hour
find outlets to encourage creativity, i.e. - places to show/sell paintings, find a way to print greeting cards from paintings, places to perform my music, learn to record
find people to paint or play music with
24hours:
work on my painting in progress
begin another project - abstract sketch and/or landscape
put new strings on the guitar (inspiration when it sounds so fresh and clear!)
play guitar for at least an hour

3) Outdoor Activities
plan:
take a longer walk/hike or a day of skiing at least three days a week
backpack for 15 -20 days in the summer (may be several trips)
camp out at least once a month in the warmer seasons, maybe even in winter at times
take pride and pleasure in yard and garden "chores"
take time to truly experience the sensations of being outside in the natural world
24 hours:
take the dog for a walk
think of longer hikes for other days this week, write down ideas
plan New Years camping trip, make a list
bring in firewood, kindling, do a little yard clean-up
enjoy being outside

lesson 11

working on letters a little at a time

lesson 12
A. Describe where you are now in terms of your response to the discovery of your partner's addiction. Not where you were last month, or where you hope to be next month. Where are you right now?

I am a little different place than just the "discovery" of my partner's addiction. I am currently facing that his claim that he is "recovered" might not be accurate and has likely shut the door on the chance of any further progress being made on the emotional basis for the addiction.

I feel hopeless and frustrated and more than just a little foolish. I believed he had a handle on his issues. There were instances when I could see the difference in his response but the basic problems are still there. He does not appear to be capable of listening to anything that could even remotely be interpreted as criticism and his response becomes antagonistic and abusive. He threatens to find another mate. He projects his problems on me and blames me for "making" him feel a certain way. He finds a narrative to match his feelings. If the real story does not work he will alter it or even create a story to meet his need to blame me for his feeing. For an example: his narrative is that he met another woman and had sex with her because I had told him to stop contacting me. The fact is that I did not tell him to stop contacting me until after he told me about this woman.

I feel stuck. I feel like I want to try one more time in spite of the failure so far. I feel like it is important for me to try because dealing with him is easier than the devastation I felt at having him walk away from me and "fall in love" with another woman in a matter of days.

 
 
B. Because you have experienced a traumatic event in your life--and the discovery that the foundation of your life has been jeopardized is severely traumatic--there are common patterns that you should expect and even prepare for in the months and years to come. Discuss what these patterns might be and how you will deal with them. There are no right or wrong answers here. The goal is to begin looking ahead with a realistic and constructive eye. To realize that with even the best healing process in place, the trauma that you have experienced will have a lasting--albeit not permanently destructive--effect on your life.

I am not sure how to answer this. What I want to contemplate are the risks and how I might mitigate them.

Considering how my partner is willing and able to create a story to justify his actions I have to realize that he might do the same thing he has already done:

-agree to break up with me before being intimate with another but "forget" that he made such an agreement
-find a new partner and become intimate to meet the need of instant gratification
-tell me about it after the fact OR don't tell me at all
-create a story where I broke up with him in order to justify his behavior

I see a great risk where he might keep an incident of unprotected sex a secret and put my health at risk. I could continue to insist on protection or I could end this relationship considering that the level of trust is so low. He has agreed to break up before he looks elsewhere but, well, we did that already once and he broke the agreement and claims that he did not remember that he had to break up BEFORE. He has also said that I have "nothing to worry about" as long as the relationship is going well. Somehow I do not find that last statement to be comforting in the slightest considering his history of attempting to re-write history.....

I also see the emotional risk I am taking on. As it stands right now it is required that I keep the relationship intact by refraining from anything that might upset him OR I give up and walk away. I have suggested working on the couples workshop here on RN as a way to improve communication but I have little hope overall that anything will change the egocentricity and immaturity that rules his interaction with me. What this comes down to is how it effects my life and where is the line between go/no go on continuing this relationship.

dealbreakers:
I will not be intimate at all until he has his first STD test
I will not have unprotected sex until/unless his 6 month HIV test is negative
I will not have unprotected sex and will likely end the relationship if he has not earned my trust
(I need to come up with a definition of how I can trust him - or not)

As I work on my values and boundaries I will not allow him to interfere with the things that make my life worth living even if this means the end of the relationship
 
 
 

A. One of the first steps on the road to healing is to take inventory of all the ways that your partner's compulsive behavior has affected you. Begin listing these consequences and post them in your Healing Thread..
 
Given the complex nature of addiction, especially as it relates to family and relationships, this process should take several hours, rather than several minutes. It will be important for you to consider the affects to your physical, emotional, social, spiritual, economic, interpersonal, potential selves--as well as any other area that you feel is relevant. There are no right or wrong answers, only ways that you believe this behavior may have impacted your life.

herpes - 8
loss of trust in love - 8
feeling of withdrawal from my friends - 8
feeling labeled by his friends - 10
feeling that I will need to move from the area to escape the fall - out - 10 +
-I love this area
- I own my home and could not get much money for it right now, if I could sell at all
feeling stuck in this relationship because of where we live (isolation, little chance for any kind of relationship, most of the friends were his and they do not think much of me) - 10+
lost time to spend doing the things I love - 9
- creative energy
- feeling worthless and hopeless
- his sabotage of travel and other plans
feeling emotionally isolated because I cannot speak of him to anyone anymore - 6
feeling like no one will ever love me in part because he has told me that and in part because I don't feel lovable - I have given this man all the love and forgiveness I can muster and he still does not love me enough to treat me with decency - therefore I am far too damaged to be loved - 8
feeling sensitive to sexual and gender issues, prone to speaking out and invoking put-downs from others for my "prudishness" - 9
unable to trust my own emotions - 8
physical health problems from the stress - 8
C-PTSD - 8
cost of therapy and other physical health issues - 6
loss of faith in the goodness of other people, compounded by the way others have responded in support of him - 9
loss of days and days that I might have been enjoying my life instead of lying on the floor crying - 10
cost of some home improvements that I would not have done but did and paid for in order to avoid conflict - 6
cost of the divorce - 6
cost and time involved in changing my name and accounts etc back and back again - 5


 
B. Rate the affect of each consequence from a 1-10. "1" will represent the most significant consequence that your partner's addiction has had on your life. Do not worry bout which consequence might be a "6" and which might be a "7"; or which is "1" and which is "2"--what is important is to gain a general idea of the impact (or potential impact) they have had on your life.

There are a number of these listed consequences that are from a combination of factors. My loss of faith in other people is also due to a lot of other people. The PTSD goes back to childhood abuse as does the feeling of being unloveable. The most profound issue for me is the isolation, the lack of any friends and the feeling that the only way I could continue to live here is if he moved. I don't know if this is anything that anyone would understand unless they live in a rural area. There are too few people, too little separation, too little "buffer". I would inevitably run into him and the thought of seeing him with another woman would be enough to keep me away from certain activities that I could otherwise enjoy.

will revisit this and see if there is more to add later

Hi seethesky,
I'm going to jump in here with a few comments:
It's good to idendify that you feel stuck. This usually means that you have a value conflict. When you re-read this quote, what do you see as your conflict? Do you really feel that dealing with his SA mindset is the easier of the two choices? You can use this to further determine what you need to do for you to become empowered.
Yes. Old patterns are hard to break. The SA mindset will find ways to protect the addiction. At this point, you can't expect any security from him. Learn to trust in yourself, whatt you are learning about the nature of this kind of addiction, and trust in your gut. You seem to have good insights into his behavior patterns. Trust in that.
Manipulation on his part. Believe what he does, not what he says. And you know the history....what he has done. He has a long way to go before you will feel safe with him. And it's job to show you by his choices and actions that he is doing the work it will take to achieve a health based recovery. There is no healthy relationship until you are both healthy, which in your case means focusing on healing.
This will change as you grow healthier. This also serves as a goal for you, part of the roadmap in your life vision. There is not good reason for you to give this up - your home is a key value for you. The lessons will help teach you how to protect your values. Hard work, yes, but the empowerment is tremendous.
A very valuable insight. Can you be specific about the emotions that are involved and work on action plans to help you re-gain trust? I came to realize that my emotional healthy was a key value of mine. I put boundaries in place to protect me from me. We have no control over our Hs, but we do have control over our emotional reactions. The first step is AWARENESS.
Yes. I do understand. I grew up in a very small town where everyone knew everyone else's business. This might be a good topic for you to put on the Community Forum. Others here have had to figure out how to deal with isolation. Identifying it as an issue for you is a first step. Good for you.

You are doing very thorough work with insights that you can use to help you heal. Keep up the good work.

Nellie James

Exercise Fourteen
In Stage One; Lesson Two of the Partner's Workshop, you were asked to develop a general vision for your life. This vision focused on developing an anchor to health and stability by allowing you to identify and re-attach yourself to those areas of your life that you truly value. Now, you are asked to create a second vision. This one is more of a 'mini-vision', isolated to how you will manage your life over these next few months--through your healing (and your partner's recovery--if applicable).
 
To assist you in developing this limited, practical vision, here are a few questions to ask/answer. Think about the questions in normal type; answer the questions that are italicized in your healing thread.
 
*Over the next month, how much time do you intend to spend focused on managing, tracking and/or assessing your partner's addiction/recovery? List the role(s) you intend to play in his recovery. If none, say so. If some (and there are potential healthy roles for you to play), list them.
I will do what is necessary to protect myself i.e. - he has to be tested for STDs if he wants to be intimate with me
I will watch his behavior when it comes to the way he defends his actions by blaming and projecting and re-creating reality and point it out when he does it, if he cannot tolerate this the relationship is likely to end
 
*How much time do you intend to spend secretly investigating his actions? If none, how will you manage those times of mistrust and/or doubt?
I do not intend to 'secretly" investigate his actions - I will ask if I have doubts and if the doubts are great and he has not regained my trust the relationship will likely be over
 
*What personal values are you willing to allow your partner to continue damaging over the next month? If none, how will you protect these values?
I will give allowance for his continuing blame shifting and projecting and will point out the behavior as it happens. If the behavior continues and/or my pointing it out continues to create conflict it is likely that the relationship will not last. I will not allow him to interfere with the values of health, creative energy and outdoor activities. If my health is suffering I will suspend contact until/unless I see evidence of emotional maturity. If I suspect that he is taking sexual risks I will not be intimate with him. My creative time and my outdoor activates will be a priority. I will plan to do things that include him but will have back up plans as I have done before. I will not allow conflict to drain my creative energy. If I see that happening I will suspend contact until there is some change.
 
*Over the next two months, what mistakes are you prepared to tolerate from your partner and why? What mistakes (if any) are intolerable and will serve as the catalyst to end the relationship? Note: think with your head here, not your heart. You are no longer ignorant as to what to expect in recovery and so, define those true 'bottom lines' for you and your relationship.

I will tolerate a struggle with his ability to deal with his own emotions. I may have to walk away at times but this struggle in and of itself is not a "deal breaker" except as it might pertain to a defense of risky sex and violation of agreements that he made with me. If he chooses to disregard the agreement we made concerning other partners, that one would break up before becoming intimate with another, I will not give him any more "chances". Bottom line. Deal breaker. I believe there could come a time when I have had enough of the emotional immaturity and if there is not some progress it is likely to end the relationship.
 
*How much responsibility do you intend to invest in changing your partner? Versus placing the responsibility for change on them? How do you envision communicating your observations about their motivation/responsibility--both positive and/or negative? For those positive observations, how will you make them seem genuine? For those negative observations, how will you make them seem non-punitive?
I need to pay more attention to the positive change I might see and communicate that to him. But I will continue to point out the less positive using "when you______I feel______" to express myself as well as a way to model a form he could use to own his own emotions. To make my observations seem non-puntative I will try to "suggest" rather than "insist" that it would be helpful for me as a way to understand his needs to have him state his feelings clearly and own them.
 
*Do you intend to motivate change in your partner by threats and/or rewards? Or by simply sharing your needs and allowing your partner to find the motivation to meet those needs? If the latter, how much clarity do you have in determining and communicating your personal needs?
I believe the best way for me to motivate change is by expressing my needs. But I can see a place for rewarding as well as spelling out consequences. I believe I do well at expressing my needs but unfortunately it does not seem that he does well listening to them. As he speaks of feeling "scolded" I suspect there is a great deal of guilt and shame that he has not learned to deal with. He likes the "rewards". And I have seen positive response to consequences as much as I dislike giving them, i.e. - this needs to stop or I will leave the room or this needs to stop or I will leave the relationship.I need to clarify my boundaries and be prepared to stick to the consequences. This needs some work……
 
*How do you envision moving beyond two individuals in recovery/healing to becoming a team in overcoming those areas of your relationship that have been damaged? What changes will YOU need to make in your own perspective to regain a sense of teamwork? What changes do you need to see from your partner for this to happen?
I need to be prepared to lose the relationship in order to open up my own vulnerability. I have been keeping an "escape route" and will maintain that but there needs to be a balance between staying and leaving and being okay either way in order for me to feel I am in a partnership with him. I need to see him taking responsibility for his behavior instead of blaming me and/or justifying what he says and does based on his sometimes altered version of an incident. I don't feel too optimistic about this and I do not know how to encourage honesty in his interpretation when it may very well be the only way he knows to defend himself from himself.
 
*Apart from your partner's addiction, identify the current major obstacles that your relationship faces. For each obstacle, seek out any patterns that will eventually need to be worked through as a team. For instance, communication. We have fallen into a pattern of dysfunctional communication that must change. Here is what I can envision doing to bring about change to these dysfunctional communication rituals:
Communication is a huge problem and I believe some of the communication issues are from the same base as the addiction. Some of the communication issues are mine. I allow my buttons to be pushed until my anger becomes uncontainable and I will express it in ways that does nothing to de-escalate the situation. But it becomes a quandary in that the other options do not lead to a resolution: I can walk away from the conversation and it may not ever be resolved or I can hold my anger and he may not ever know that he has violated my boundary. I need to be able to express my feelings calmly and walk away and not allow him to draw me back into conflict once I have decided to leave the room.

He needs to learn to own his feelings and express them in a manner that shows he owns them, "when you_________, I feel___________" or something like that. His propensity to blame his feelings and his actions on someone else's behavior (mine) is one of the reasons I distrust his "recovery". His practice of altering or even creating "facts" to justify his behavior is extremely troubling. What I can do: model expression of feelings when I am communicating, ask that he use that form to express his feelings. I also can remind him when he makes a vague accusation but has no specific description of what I said or did that upset him that he made an agreement to refrain from this type of "blaming".


 *Should you find yourself struggling to manage your own life (intense emotions, undefended boundaries, deteriorating values, neglected values, etc.) how do you envision getting yourself refocused and back in balance? List this general plan.
One of the ways I might get my own life back is to limit my contact with him in order reinvigorate my values and boundaries. I need to be able to communicate these needs for "space" in a way that is non-adversarial BUT I have no control over the way he might interpret the action of putting myself first. I have to be aware and accept that looking to my values and protecting them with my boundaries may be the end of the relationship.

*What signs will you look for in your partner to generate confidence in the sincerity and stability of his/her recovery?
I need to see him taking responsibility for his behavior instead of justifying it, especially when he justifies the behavior by making some unsubstantiated accusation of what I did to "make" him do what he did. I need to see him owning his feelings by using "when you____, I feel________" or something similar instead of creating circumstances to match the feeling. I need to see some acknowledgement of his "instant gratification" behaviors and would hope to see more consideration of consequences. I would like to see him go back and finish the program here on RN instead of just claiming "recovery" because he is not using porn.
 
*What unique signs will you look for in your partner over the next few months to generate warning of imbalance and/or insincerity?
If he continues to threaten to "break up" with me whenever there is a discussion that might create some discomfort I have doubts that the emotional basis of his addiction has changed at all. If I see the other types of emotional coercion, the anger and vague accusations, I will also have serious doubts.
 
These are just some of the questions that you will want to consider and prepare yourself for. There are potentially many others. List anything additional that you feel is important in preparing yourself to face this transition in your life/relationship over the next few months.

One of my struggles is the feeling that I need to defend myself from the altered versions of incidents and the vague accusations he throws at me. I suspect this behavior is a form of defense and an attempt to control me but my response needs to change. Unfortunately we could argue until eternity over something that may or may have not actually happened even just a few minutes prior and lacking any real "proof" it is a waste of time and energy.

At times we have recorded conversation, supposedly to listen to and suggest what we could do to repair the problem but he recently decided to use it in a different manner. He refused to respond to anything I was saying - was silent - and he wanted to count the amount of time I spoke in comparison to him as a way to "prove" that I talked "too much". I saw this as a very clear manipulation of data and I will not agree to any more recording as a result. He refuses therapy but has, in the past, wanted to go as a couple. We went once and the therapist wanted to see us individually. I have gone back but he has not. I am not convinced that arguing with him at $160.00 a visit is going to accomplish anything but drain our bank accounts. We need to come up with methods and time to "practice" discussions of the difficult issues. He has agreed to a certain amount of time each week but we have yet to do it.

It is very difficult at times for me to feel commitment towards this relationship in part because of what has happened in the past and how the same basic behavior is evident even now. Many of the issues are subtle, some have always been, but I value companionship and it is in very short supply here in these very rural and isolated  communities. Once again I come back to the image of a scale with the balance constantly shifting from one side to the other. At this point in time I am still willing to put some of my energy into this relationship but I can already see the alteration in my feelings just in these past two months since our reconciliation. I believed he was more "recovered" than he is and some of those threads of connection that I gave to him two months ago are already broken.
 

my responses to Nellie:
(me)I feel stuck. I feel like I want to try one more time in spite of the failure so far. I feel like it is important for me to try because dealing with him is easier than the devastation I felt at having him walk away from me and "fall in love" with another woman in a matter of days.
(Nellie) It's good to idendify that you feel stuck. This usually means that you have a value conflict. When you re-read this quote, what do you see as your conflict? Do you really feel that dealing with his SA mindset is the easier of the two choices? You can use this to further determine what you need to do for you to become empowered.

This is huge and I know it is mine. I hate dealing with his issues but I hate the alternative even more. I don't want to be so alone and I don't believe I could have any other relationship unless I left this rural community which is where I believe the value conflict is. I am willing to hang on to what kind of relationship I can have with him in order to avoid feeling like a sack of garbage that he has left behind. Am I "settling"? Probably. Am I going to be hurt? Probably. At this time I still believe I am making the best choice based on my values but I am keeping in mind that my healing may mean something different to him and to what I currently see as the "best choice" for me.



(me)unable to trust my own emotions - 8

(Nellie)A very valuable insight. Can you be specific about the emotions that are involved and work on action plans to help you re-gain trust? I came to realize that my emotional healthy was a key value of mine. I put boundaries in place to protect me from me. We have no control over our Hs, but we do have control over our emotional reactions. The first step is AWARENESS.


When I am away from him I feel different about the relationship. I feel like I can walk away and survive. But then I hear his voice or, as happened when we were separated, he sends me a note, and I have such strong feelings of wanting to be with him. I don't know why I can have such different emotions about this man. I feel unable to take any kind of action, like I still need more information before I can make a decision. When he found a new "girlfriend" I told him to stop contacting me but he found ways around the email and other "blocks" that I used. There were too many opportunities for us to encounter one another and I believe the only reason we did not is because I was expending a lot of energy to avoid it. This meant shutting off parts of my life and would mean more of the same as time went on. I could not take that kind of pain. In an effort to eliminate his issues from my life my emotions were killing everything else I valued.

So how do I protect me from me?

Jumping in here with a few comments:
Great insight. SAs will be defensive, blameshift, manipulate, attempt to control. Part of the whole package of addiction. Yes, you could argue 'til the cows come home. It takes you backward instead of forward. Trying to have a rational conversation at this point, is pointless. I suggest that you don't take the bait to be drawn in. Your use of a feeling statement in a very simple direct way is a good way to be heard. Then walk away. Don't expect him to respond ratonally. Don't be drawn into an argument. He wjon't let you win.
Communication obstacles do get in the way. Weekly discussions need to follow a structure you both agree upon. I suggest using a timer and allowing one person to talk while the other just listens. Take turns. Set the timer for 2 or 3 minutes max. No interruptions. If emotions run high, take a time out and go for a walk before continuing the discussion. Limit the total time to 30 minutes working up to longer discussions over time. It's a process. My H and I also practiced nightly dyads which again was based on taking turns listening or talking for 3 minutes. First, we sat knee to knee, eye to eye and just looked into each other's eyes for 2 minutes. Then one of us drew a small piece of paper with 3 related topics from a flower pot (we each contributed open ended topics for discussion beginning with easy material). We each took our turn addressing the topic for 3 minutes while the other just listened. No questions. After each of the 3 topics was addressed and listened to by each of us, we praised the other for something poistive that person had done that day. The we stood and hugged. This became our nightlly routine. We progress from easy open-ended topics to harder ones. Over time, this little activity helped our communication over all. We saved the harder stuff, disclosure, progress updates, issues for our Sunday morning discussions. Just passing this on to you as a possibility if he is open to trying a new approach.
. Yes, I understand. This lesson is about helping you prepare "yourself to face this transition in your life/relationship over the next few months." You are not sure about staying in the relationship. As you continue with the lessons, you may gain more clarity about this. Future lessons deal with values, boundaries, consequences which are key tools for you to learn to use. It's very difficult when you are with someone who is not committed to recovery. I encourage you to focus on yourself which is what this healing workshop is all about. You have no control over him or his choices. You are your only responsibility. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's the only way healing works. Put your energy into yourself. Healing is a long and hard process. Give yourself the Gift of Patinence in your own process.

Nellie James

P.S. First is your awareness of your values conflict which you have indentified. It causes you emotional pain and indecision. As I worked through the lessons, I began to identify how my emotional reactions were wearing me down and those reactions were not the me I wanted to be. I valued my emotional health. Whenever I felt myself beginning to react, actually felt my breathing change, tightness in my chest and throat, I knew what was coming next. I learned to buy time by singing songs, counting backwards until I could do an activity like walking, doing art, dancing to music, etc. - whatever it took to change my focus. As I worked through the lessons, I became more aware of behavior obstacles that I needed to address in myself, and I began to make action plans to help me develop new behavior patterns to replace the negative ones. I also found that what I thought about mattered. Words have power over us, not only what we say to others, but also what we say to ourselves. Your situation of living in a small town, needing companionship, being fearful of running into the other woman - is there a way that you can give this situation less power over you and your other values by changing what you say to yourself about these issues? Find a new perspective and plug in positive words. Think about it. Perhaps, as you work on your lessons and build on what you are learning, you will gain more clarity to help with this. None of this happens quickly. It's very hard work, but it does pay off. I suggest again, that you present your situation as a topic in the Community Forum and get feedback, advice, or suggestions. Or just to vent. We are great empathetic listeners!

me: One of my struggles is the feeling that I need to defend myself from the altered versions of incidents and the vague accusations he throws at me.

Nellie: Great insight. SAs will be defensive, blameshift, manipulate, attempt to control. Part of the whole package of addiction. Yes, you could argue 'til the cows come home. It takes you backward instead of forward. Trying to have a rational conversation at this point, is pointless. I suggest that you don't take the bait to be drawn in. Your use of a feeling statement in a very simple direct way is a good way to be heard. Then walk away. Don't expect him to respond ratonally. Don't be drawn into an argument. He wjon't let you win.

I need to work on this. If I could avoid my part of the conflict it could save me a big chunk of emotional energy.

me:We need to come up with methods and time to "practice" discussions of the difficult issues. He has agreed to a certain amount of time each week but we have yet to do it.

Nellie: Communication obstacles do get in the way. Weekly discussions need to follow a structure you both agree upon. I suggest using a timer and allowing one person to talk while the other just listens. Take turns. Set the timer for 2 or 3 minutes max. No interruptions. If emotions run high, take a time out and go for a walk before continuing the discussion. Limit the total time to 30 minutes working up to longer discussions over time. It's a process. My H and I also practiced nightly dyads which again was based on taking turns listening or talking for 3 minutes. First, we sat knee to knee, eye to eye and just looked into each other's eyes for 2 minutes. Then one of us drew a small piece of paper with 3 related topics from a flower pot (we each contributed open ended topics for discussion beginning with easy material). We each took our turn addressing the topic for 3 minutes while the other just listened. No questions. After each of the 3 topics was addressed and listened to by each of us, we praised the other for something poistive that person had done that day. The we stood and hugged. This became our nightlly routine. We progress from easy open-ended topics to harder ones. Over time, this little activity helped our communication over all. We saved the harder stuff, disclosure, progress updates, issues for our Sunday morning discussions. Just passing this on to you as a possibility if he is open to trying a new approach.

Thank you for these ideas. The timer is one I had already suggested but he has not yet accepted. One of his frequent accusations is that I talk more than he does and I do not "let" him talk. The timer could eliminate this issue. Maybe that is why he is resistant.




Words have power over us, not only what we say to others, but also what we say to ourselves. Your situation of living in a small town, needing companionship, being fearful of running into the other woman - is there a way that you can give this situation less power over you and your other values by changing what you say to yourself about these issues? Find a new perspective and plug in positive words. Think about it.

I was emotionally and physically abused by my mother and I still struggle with self-esteem. For me the idea that he could move right into another relationship was "proof" that there was nothing wrong with him - that I was the one with the "problem". I struggle with this in part because I have so little in the way of a support system. The friends we had chose him. I could sit here and mutter personal affirmations all day long but that is not going to change what is right there in front of my face. So I just deny all the evidence that points at him being okay because others support him and reject me? Hell yes, I think I have a pretty good handle on what is going on and had gone on but I don't have anyone who is willing to stand with me and take a stand against him. That is what doubt is made of. But it is also what has to change in order for me to survive. I have to believe in my own perceptions.

(I added this on a previous post but decided to move it)

I wanted to speak of the positives of the relationship. He can be an incredible loving and caring partner. ( I suspect this is at the times that he is not feeling "threatened" but if our needs are not in sync the defense/attack begins) When we are having "fun" together it is some of the most freeing and joyous times I have had as an adult. I can certainly understand why he would not want to address any difficult issues but for me sweeping the stuff under the rug ends up darkening the "fun". A relationship that is only "fun" and does not handle conflict without a "doomsday" threat is lacking commitment. This is why I divorced him. I suppose that if I am willing to live on the edge I could continue this kind of non-commitment indefinitely but he has said that he wants to live together again and he wants to be together most of the time. If I am in a non-commited relationship I am inclined to take more time for myself than he seems to want to allow me to have. It seems he wants to have it both ways and it will benefit him at a cost to me. Okay. Maybe this was not as positive as it started......

I value companionship, partnership. Having someone care about me validates positive feelings about myself. It becomes very difficult to believe in myself when it seems that others do not believe in me, care about me, except in a very superficial manner.

I have had a few people tell me I should stay away from my ex. So very easy for them to say when they do not consider the void that is left behind. An email. A phone call. An invitation for dinner or an outing. These things could make a tremendous difference. It is like they tell me to cut the rope that is keeping me from drowning and then they turn around and let me drown.

I have had it suggested that I reach out for other companions. I have tried. I have invited others out for a hike or for a meal. I get the "yeah, we should do that some time" and then nothing. It stings. It is discouraging. It hurts. I give up and I withdraw.